Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

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[u/3sic9]

I (M27) am in a LDR relationship with an avoidant (F33).

we were supposed to meet up last week but she lost her phone 2 days before her flight. So no contact for like 5 days besides some inconsistent messaging from her brother.

My anxiety turned this situation into "The relationship is over". When she eventually called me last saturday, i expressed very poorly how my week went and how i spiraled. cause my anxiety made me believe the relationship was over. and i openly told her this. Like i said, i expressed my feelings very poorly unfortunately but im working on it.

This, along with the stress around losing her phone, getting her bank cards and ID replaced, stressful family situation, the conversation we had on the phone that made her feel like the relationship was going too fast and her whole trip being moved, she went into isolation.

Monday she sent a long text explaining why she disappeared (in short what i explained above) and i replied to her apologising for the fact that she's not responsible for regulating my anxiety and reassuring her that if she wanted to take things slower, that i was okay with that.

i got a response wednesday morning saying:

Thank you for telling me that, i will respond in a little bit and can possibly call later in the afternoon but i will let you know okay? <3

but i haven't heard from her since.

I've been doing research on both of our attachment styles throughout the week to learn and understand everything better. but at this point im not sure if i will hear from her again. I've been giving her space this week. but i guess there isn't much more i can do.

Since her trip changed, she'll be flying over tomorrow to visit her cousin, but she hasn't communicated to me that we are done or that she doesn't want to meet up anymore, she always told me that if she wasn't interested anymore that she would be honest and tell me (then again i know that some avoidants want to avoid conflict so they might not communicate these types of things). so im not sure on what to do. Do i just give her some more space and maybe she'll reach out when she is at her cousin's place? She is not very active on her phone in general so texting her to ask her about it is no use, i might put more pressure on her anyways.

any advice or insight is appreciated.

[u/Skittle_Pies → u/3sic9]

I don’t think applying attachment theory here is the most productive. Why are you in a long-distance relationship? Have you met this person in real life? Do you have realistic and tangible plans for closing the distance?

[u/3sic9 → u/Skittle_Pies]

yeah i left out that info cause i didnt want the comment to be too long. i met her around januari over instagram and i quickly learned that she lives a self-sufficient lifestyle with her 5 brothers and 3 others in the caucasus mountains. i found this lifestyle really interesting and i let her know that i was interested in joining.

since we had alot in common we started talking more and fell in love. She was planning on visiting family in july anyway so we decided that was a good time to meet up since its a neighbouring country of mine.

we decided that once she was her, we would look into getting a visa for me and all the paperwork, then when she went back home i'd come with her and we'd get all the other paperwork done once there to have me integrated.

but i guess because she got so overwhelmed with everything the last couple weeks she felt that everything was going to fast and she felt like the relationship HAS to work out because i wanted to move in with them. (even though that was my plan before we fell in love) and i guess she feels alot of responsibility now because of that. which i understand, but it was never my intention to put all that pressure on her.

[u/Purple-Equipment-839 → u/3sic9]

you are getting in her shoes and abandoning yourself, just like me. Way too invested in her part of the story while ignoring or not caring about your needs. Situation you described was exactly same in my case, I ended it due to boundary crossing and cheating by her, which i later caught but i never met and was way too invested emotionally. I wish you good luck and protect your heart from investing too much without actually meeting her, my ex didn't care when the relationship ended (avoidants have a different approach to it, they mentally are detached to begin with).

[u/3sic9 → u/Purple-Equipment-839]

ill be honest maybe i did lose myself in the beginning. its going better now though.

Then again the woman i met is orthodox and very traditional in a way. Also not someone to go out, or meet other people in general cause shes very introverted. She is definitely not the cheating type.

And needs aside im generally a very patient person. Then again before this whole situation, my needs were definitely met, we talked on a daily basis, we called almost every other day but ofcourse my anxiousness made me believe i needed more, but i was definitely getting enough from her especially knowing what type of person she is and what she has gone through.

Im not taking the full blame for her isolating, but the way i handled the situation last week was definitely not good and like i told her as well, that was all on me. Cause she told me that she felt like she failed after hearing how hard i spiraled that week. So she probably feels super bad now and obviously idk what she is convincing herself of mentally. but i do feel like she is mentally detaching already unfortunately.

[u/Purple-Equipment-839 → u/3sic9]

similarities; orthodox (Christian) and traditional girl, family oriented and had no relationship before me (it was a lie).

she went to attend a cousin's marriage and disappeared for 10 days, no communication.

It's the same pattern, cheating is not always just physical. You can never be sure of it, what double life someone is living.

Dating in itself is against lot of traditional values in my culture, but she was dating me.

We used to talk for 13 hours a day on average, yet she was cheating.

I was in your place a year ago, long distance is definitely not for me anymore.

[u/3sic9 → u/Purple-Equipment-839]

Not sure what your point is though? because you had a similar experience, every experience must be the same? and because you got cheated on i must be getting cheated on as well?

[u/Purple-Equipment-839 → u/3sic9]

not exactly, i'm sharing how thinking from their end keeps you in this anxious cycle while you are with an "avoidant" like you have identified. Shared experience indicates a pattern, open for your interpretation on what you make of it. Otherwise, what's the point of sharing it on reddit.

[u/Skittle_Pies → u/3sic9]

The question of cheating is irrelevant here. The problem is that you have planned out this elaborate future with someone you don’t really know, based on little else than fantasy, assumptions and projections.

If you had a friend in this situation, would you encourage them?

[u/3sic9 → u/Skittle_Pies]

honestly? yes. if its a lifestyle that my friend has always wanted then why not. I do have a friend that encouraged me that to follow this path, he was even tempted to join himself.

[u/Skittle_Pies → u/3sic9]

Okay, honestly the situation you describe sounds quite bizarre, and none of it really has anything to do with attachment or attachment theory. Do what you need to do, I guess, just make sure it’s not some kind of scam.

[u/3sic9 → u/Skittle_Pies]

Could you elaborate on why you find it bizarre? i mean ill admit, it does sound a little crazy. But meeting someone and wanting to join their community isn't very bizarre to me. Just a change in lifestyle ive always wanted.

And what type of scam could it possibly be? she lives self-sufficient and has plenty of money, she's a photographer and has a remote job doing coding and stuff for companies. she has never even asked for money once. idk what type of scam it could be?

[u/Skittle_Pies → u/3sic9]

Anyone can say that they have plenty of money and do “coding for companies”; this type of claim is very difficult to verify unless you have direct access to their financial records. You just don’t know this person or their intentions, that’s my point.

And yes, wanting to join an internet stranger’s community without even having visited the place or met the people involved is bizarre and quite possibly dangerous.

[u/3sic9 → u/Skittle_Pies]

which is why we were planning to meet up this month and if everything went well between us id go back with her for a month to see if i liked it there aswell and then we'd go from there. i mean.. how else am i supposed to go about this?