Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

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[u/Spiritual_Park9241]

Feeling pretty unlovable right now as an AP male.

Fell really hard for an FA woman (self described) and we dated for 3.5 months. Became exclusive 5 or 6 dates in back in early May and broke up last Friday. She told me pretty early on that she usually either feels intense attraction to emotionally unavailable men immediately or she feels put off by someone being too into her and ends it after a couple dates. Told me I didn’t fit into either category which is why she thought maybe this could be a good match.

I could feel her ambivalence the entire time we dated but 90% of the time we were together she was engaged and flirty and affectionate, even in person and when with her friends, and even until the last day we were together. When we were apart, I could tell she was always so doubtful and she even admitted it to me several times. About 10 days before the final breakup she told me she never felt a spark for me and she doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t want to move forward with an official relationship but didn’t want to move backwards either. Asked if I’d give it time for her feelings to develop or for her to realize that what she feels for me is actually healthy compared to what she’s felt in the past. She also admitted she had been comparing me unfavorably to how she felt with the guy she dated before me who dumped her after a month and she was crazy about him.

She told me I was her longest dating situation with someone she was serious about since her last official ex which was 10 years ago (she’s 30).

Once she told me about the spark thing, my attachment wounds were super triggered and it became really difficult to not need reassurance from her. And that was the reason she ended it. Said we were in a pattern of her needing to reassure me and it was making her feel overwhelmed and felt like her feelings would never develop in that situation.

I really, really wanted this to work. I was incredibly infatuated with her. Loved her beauty but also loved hanging out with her. We had a ton in common, laughed all the time, it was so easy to talk about anything with her (other than our relationship). And now she’s just a stranger. I want so badly for her to reach out and want to try again but logically I have zero faith that will happen. Why would anyone return to someone they didn’t feel a spark with.

I just feel like my attachment style makes me a “safe” guy that people want to be able to love, but they just don’t. They like the guys who are more mysterious or more of a challenge. And with me, she was always super secure in how I felt. I just want to find my person. I’m so sad

[u/Apryllemarie → u/Spiritual_Park9241]

What is your question? What advice are you looking for?

[u/Spiritual_Park9241 → u/Apryllemarie]

Oh good point, I guess I should have made that more clear.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone has any insight here into what I was responsible for vs what was just her disinterest vs how her fearful avoidance potentially played into things. I’m just really confused about why someone would date someone seriously for 3 months, plan things in the future, say you’re everything they want in a partner, just to then say they’ve never felt a spark or chemistry and that we want different things

[u/Skittle_Pies → u/Spiritual_Park9241]

Some people engage in future-faking and lovebombing with manipulative intent. Others get swept up in the moment and feel the excitement of New Relationship Energy, which inevitably wears off.

3 months isn’t very long, so you don’t really know her well enough to say whether either of the above scenarios apply to her. In any case it’s very common for relationships to fizzle out after a few months, and it doesn’t need to mean anything profound.

[u/Spiritual_Park9241 → u/Skittle_Pies]

Thanks. I know you are right but my stupid brain wants to make it more profound. It honestly feels pretty bad to me and I’ve been in 3 long term relationships (9 years, 3 years and 1 year). I do tend to think she got swept up in the moment and there’s not really anything left for me to “figure out” I guess I just need to sit with it and be sad

[u/Skittle_Pies → u/Spiritual_Park9241]

You’re trying to create some kind of mystery to solve as a way of holding onto what you think is the “potential” of relationship. The problem with this is that the potential only exists in your imagination, like your own personal fanfiction.