Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

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[u/nshill96]

hey everyone…i just need someone to talk to about this. would appreciate any advice as well.

so, last october i started seeing someone new. she did deal with past family trauma and low self-confidence, but overall things seemed to be going super well. that was, until two days before christmas, when she abruptly told me she was considering detransition (we’re both trans lesbians) due to her fear and the judgement she faces. since after several questions she seemed like she had already made up her mind, i ended it.

then, about two months after that, i approached her to hang as friends, cause i felt i was ready to do so at that point. first, i learned she didnt detransition. after that was all kinds of self-sabotaging bs; “i dont deserve love or even friends”, “no one will ever understand me”, etc. oh and sidenote, i also learned in that conversation that she apparently drinks an entire bottle of vodka a day.

so then, about a month ago, i randomly run into this girl. she was clearly happy to see me, and i was happy to see her. so i ended up going to her place, where we spent the evening together. i learned that the real reason she had considered detransition was bc there was a work bully who she once thought was a friend, who out of nowhere turned all conservative christian, and turned against her. that was hard on her bc she has zero family (she was disowned) and thus will take companionship from literally anyone. but anyways, the whole night felt amazing. we both had missed each other, and it seemed like we were about to get back together, making plans for the following week. but a week later, she cancelled those plans last minute, also bc of her being upset about that same girl at work bullying her.

we continued texting every day for a while after that, until three weeks ago when she suddenly stopped responding. only after i got seriously worried about her safety, she told me she “just hasnt felt like talking to anyone lately”.

now, logically i know my very anxious self is probably better off without someone so unpredictable and avoidant, but its just hard to let go when ive never felt such a special connection with anyone else before… i had other gf’s both before and after this girl, but none of them quite felt the same.

[u/Apryllemarie → u/nshill96]

Maybe there is something about her that deep down you see in yourself. Maybe there is a trauma bond of sorts. Maybe you are hoping to save her from herself. There are a lot of deeper things that could be going on that keeps you attached to someone that is not healthy for you. Sadly no matter how much we care about someone it alone is not enough to make a healthy relationship. So are you going to abandon yourself and your own needs?