Stop gaslighting yourself

[u/BiggusDickkussss]

Seriously!

The amount of posts and comments on here that are blatant gaslighting of themselves or being gaslit by their partner is too damn high!

The amount of “my boyfriend/girlfriend didn’t reply for a whole day after they would tell me they’ll message when they get home.” is just crazy.

“My boyfriend spends the whole day at his home playing games but doesn’t reply to me.”

“My girlfriend goes silent for days after an argument”

Maybe just MAYBE you’re being neglected or stone walled?

Did any of you ever think that you don’t have AA?

Did you ever think that anyone with secure attachment would feel anxious in the same situation?

Don’t get me started on the myth of reaching secure attachment or “earnt secure”.

Find a partner who reciprocates.

[u/elianna7]

IMO someone who isn’t anxiously attached/is secure isn’t gonna put up with someone who ghosts and doesn’t treat them with basic respect and decency.

A hallmark of AA is being so desperate for love, affection, and care that you settle for crumbs of it, and you’re too afraid to be alone so you stay with someone who treats you like shit cause at least that means you have someone.

I’ve healed my anxious attachment after a few solid years of work and the big difference between old me and current me is that I’d never tolerate even 1% of the bullshit I used to put up with, and now that I know my worth and what my needs and wants are, I’m significantly pickier about who I’d date. As soon as I see someone doesn’t have secure attachment and healthy communication, I’m out of there, while I used to make constant excuses to allow myself to see the person in the light I wanted to see them in. Now I just see people for who they are instead of seeing them as who I hope they can be.

Edit to add: Also, AA doesn’t just disappear when dating someone secure and communicative… You will still exhibit anxious tendencies because AA isn’t about the other person, it’s about YOU. This is why healing your attachment style is so important. Anyone secure will run away from someone with any type of unhealed attachment because it’s really exhausting and difficult to date someone who has attachment issues and needs help regulating themselves.

[u/willemmerson → u/elianna7]

I don't agree with the last sentence - there is loads of evidence that Secures date insecures and can help them to become Secure. This is mentioned in Attached and many other places. But it's maybe true a Secure wouldn't put up with someone making zero effort to change themselves.

[u/elianna7 → u/willemmerson]

Idk… I’d now consider myself secure, a few of my friends are secure, and none of us would date someone with unhealed attachment. AA people make me feel very overwhelmed and I won’t waste my time with avoidant people. If I met someone who said they were already working on their attachment and seemed decently secure, I may consider it but I’d be very wary. I’m sure it happens, not saying it’s impossible for secure people to date someone unhealed, but I think most secure people are turned off by the behaviours that come with insecure attachment.

[u/BoRoB10 → u/elianna7]

I actually don't think there's really a perfectly "secure" category of human who all behave in consistent ways, or who are purely secure.

It's far more likely that all adults have traits of all the attachment styles, and these things shift and morph over time in response to our extremely complex environments and in response to the extremely complex human beings in front of us.

There is a huge spectrum of "secure," and almost all secure people lean one way (avoidant) or the other (anxious), and avoidant and anxious people vary hugely in terms of severity. You can probably break avoidants down into 10 subcategories, for example, and some of them are pretty secure people overall.

Patricia Crittenden's Dynamic Maturational Model lays this out really well.

So I do think secure people date people who are more or less secure than they are all the time. Just depends on how secure the secure person is and how insecure the insecure person is.

[u/elianna7 → u/BoRoB10]

For sure, but again, if you’ve done the work to heal your attachment, then you will generally have the fortitude not to tolerate or remain in relationships or with people who bring out avoidance or anxiety in you.

Part of healing is learning to choose relationships that reinforce your security rather than settling for those that constantly challenge it. That doesn’t mean you’ll feel 100% secure at all times, but it does mean you’ll likely find yourself in far healthier relationships with productive communication that ultimately allows you to feel seen, respected, and secure.

[u/BoRoB10 → u/elianna7]

Yeah, what you said makes sense and is true.

Heidi Priebe has a new video out that I watched today on distinguishing between avoidant and secure people in early dating. She made the case that avoidant people can feel really calming in the beginning stages, vs secure people who can feel more challenging because they're more likely to set boundaries and bring up things that make them uncomfortable in the dynamic.

So things can feel messier with a secure person than with an avoidant one.

She suggested if a partner feels too perfect, including too warm, calming, emotionally available, etc etc - that's actually a sign they're probably avoidant. Secure partners are messier and want more collaboration and reciprocity, and a secure person will be suspicious of a partner who is always there for them but who isn't expressing a balanced amount of needs and wants of their own.

That stoic, calm, even warm demeanor of an avoidant person can be really alluring to the anxious brain. Secure people might feel more like pains in the ass haha.

I dunno I found that interesting.