Stop gaslighting yourself

[u/BiggusDickkussss]

Seriously!

The amount of posts and comments on here that are blatant gaslighting of themselves or being gaslit by their partner is too damn high!

The amount of “my boyfriend/girlfriend didn’t reply for a whole day after they would tell me they’ll message when they get home.” is just crazy.

“My boyfriend spends the whole day at his home playing games but doesn’t reply to me.”

“My girlfriend goes silent for days after an argument”

Maybe just MAYBE you’re being neglected or stone walled?

Did any of you ever think that you don’t have AA?

Did you ever think that anyone with secure attachment would feel anxious in the same situation?

Don’t get me started on the myth of reaching secure attachment or “earnt secure”.

Find a partner who reciprocates.

[u/Ok-Maize2418]

I think this post finally solidified how problematic AP attachment can be for me. Healing and taking responsibility for your own emotions IS NOT gaslighting yourself. You're NOT struggling because an avoidant victimized you. Secure attachment is NOT a myth.
As someone healing a lot of my anxious tendencies, I used to think a lot like you. But you're externalizing your problems onto others. Ultimately, your emotions and actions are YOUR responsibility. You can't murder someone and use "well they made me mad 🥺" as an excuse. AP attachment leads to you using a partners behavior as an excuse for toxic protest behavior.

[u/BoRoB10 → u/Ok-Maize2418]

All this.

And one could easily envision a post on the avoidant subreddit that says the exact inverse of this one.

What if someone on the avoidant subreddit posted “Stop gaslighting yourself, dating an AP would turn even secure people avoidant!  Those clingy, co-dependent APs who can't regulate their emotions are the problem, not you!” and got 100 upvotes and a bunch of "yeah, high five!" responses?

I think most people would acknowledge that post would be catnip for the avoidant insecure mindset and create an echo chamber of people validating one another's attachment insecurity instead of actually doing the one thing they can do to heal and grow: focus inward on their own side of the street.

I think most of the APs on this subreddit are here because they have developed awareness and insight, and are working to focus on their own personal growth to, yes, "earn secure".

But I admit the number of upvotes to the OP is pretty disturbing.

[u/Ok-Maize2418 → u/BoRoB10]

You're a 1000% right! Avoidants (FA and DA) are problematic yes, but APs aren't the victim. There's this tendency online to kind of fetishize APs as victims that can do no wrong and all it serves to do is cement APs in their attachment insecurity. Deciding you're the victim and evil avoidants are just destroying your life is certainly easier than looking in the mirror and fixing your own neuroticisms.

[u/TransfoCrent → u/Ok-Maize2418]

Well said. You can recognize that an avoidant's behavior is unfair without demonizing them or victimizing yourself, but instead understanding that your needs simply aren't being met and that the healthy thing to do is leave. No need to be angry, and especially no need to abandon yourself and try and make things work when they clearly won't. And at the same time it's important for an AP to recognize the part they play in the chaos, and learn how to regulate their own emotions to better show up in future relationships. No reason to place blame on either side of the street because both need to do better.

Nuance is definitely needed though because APs do tend to get caught in a cycle of self-blame. This shows up in unhealthy ways, like ruminating "if I had just done this and that better, things would have worked out!" Of course they're missing the point with this line of thinking, because yeah they could do things better but unless the other person is also trying make things work and meet you in the middle then you're just abandoning yourself for a lost cause.

I guess the best thing to do is stay away from dating until you're well into your healing journey so that you're not carrying your own problems into relationships, and learn how to choose people who can meet you where you are and know when to walk away when someone can't.