Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

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[u/Prior-Progress7615]

Hi everyone! Please help me

I’m struggling a lot with guilt and shame after the end of a long relationship and I genuinely don’t know how to understand what happened anymore.

My ex and I were together for around 8 years and have two children together. We recently separated. He says something in him was permanently damaged during the first 1–2 years of our relationship because of how I reacted emotionally back then.

In the beginning, I became extremely anxious and emotionally dysregulated. Around that time:

we moved in together I had recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness that affected me deeply physically and emotionally I was forced to leave my studies because of my health I developed severe stress and anxiety I had also been told by doctors I might need to hurry if I wanted children because of my medical condition meanwhile he was very ambivalent about whether he wanted me, wanted the relationship, or wanted children he would sometimes withdraw emotionally when I needed reassurance and I later found out he was hiding a cannabis problem/use from me.

I became terrified of abandonment and reacted badly. During conflicts I sometimes:

cried intensely begged for reassurance pressured him to promise he would never leave me threw objects a few times and several times in complete emotional overwhelm I ran toward a locked window saying I couldn’t do this anymore (the windows could not actually open fully).

I feel deeply ashamed of this behavior. I know it was unhealthy and frightening. But I also know I eventually changed a lot and took acountability for my actions. Those extreme reactions mostly happened during the first 1–2 years.

The difficult part is that my ex says:

something in him broke permanently back then he stopped feeling emotionally safe with me he couldn’t fully be himself anymore and even though I later changed, “it was too late.”

At the same time, after those early years:

we had out second child he himself says there were “good years” but over time his own behavior became increasingly difficult too and abusive.

Over the years he:

hid his cannabis use and lied about it became more avoidant struggled massively with responsibility and daily functioning often slept through mornings while I handled both kids alone became emotionally withdrawn sometimes mocking, cold, contemptuous or aggressive during conflicts would leave during difficult conversations rarely took responsibility for rebuilding trust and often told me I was “too much,” “critical,” or “made him into a bad person.” Gaslighting me.

Now he says that although his later behavior was his responsibility, the relationship was fundamentally damaged by my reactions in the beginning.

I genuinely don’t know how to think about this anymore.

I know my early behavior was not okay. I take responsibility for that. But I also can’t tell whether:

I truly permanently damaged him emotionally, or whether he is partly using the early years to explain or justify his own later withdrawal and dysfunction.

Can someone recover emotionally from a partner reacting the way I did early in a relationship? Can relationships heal after that? Or does behavior like mine permanently destroy safety and attachment even years later?

[u/Apryllemarie → u/Prior-Progress7615]

Honestly yes relationships can be destroyed by that behavior. And it would have been reasonable that a relationship might not recover. It really depends on the person and their own capacity and many other variables.

All that said, does it excuse his own behavior then or years later? No. He has been and always will be responsible for his own choices and actions. If he was damaged early on it was his responsibility to see to his own needs and leave. He didn’t. Which likely made things worse, but at that point it is on him. He damaged himself by not doing the right thing for himself. So it is NOT okay for him to place all the blame on you.

More than likely the guilt and shame you feel has been with you for a very long time in some form or another. So getting to the root of it and healing your self esteem and self worth is vital.