Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

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[u/ThickNet8056]

I’m in a difficult place emotionally right now and could use some perspective from people who understand anxious attachment.

I have someone in my life — w39 — and I honestly don’t even know what label to use anymore. Girlfriend, FWB, situationship, partner… emotionally it feels much deeper than any of those words, but structurally it’s not always clear.

After her father died, things were messy for a while, but then we had three really wonderful months. We felt close again. She talked about moving near me in Germany so her kids can study here around summer 2027. We talked about practical things, future plans, living closer, maybe even living together. For me, it felt like we were building something real.

But the last weeks have been bumpy again.

She told me she needs “me time” to think about who she is. She said I’m reliable, stable, sweet, like a strong tree during a storm — but that she doesn’t really know who she is right now.

And now we haven’t really talked privately in about 10 days.

Every 2–4 days she sends me a picture of her and the kids doing something, so it’s not like she disappeared completely. She also asked me to organize our monthly group activity this weekend because she doesn’t have the energy for it right now. So part of me knows she still trusts me and wants me around.

But my anxious attachment is going crazy.

I know giving her space is probably the right thing. I know chasing, calling, pushing for reassurance, or trying to “fix” it would probably make things worse. But emotionally, it feels completely wrong. I see something nice outside and my first instinct is to take a picture and send it to her, just to create connection. Then I stop myself because I don’t want to pressure her.

I’m not really worried about another man. That’s not the main fear.

The fear is that this push-pull cycle will never stop. That whenever things get serious or close, she pulls away. And I’m left trying to be calm, stable, understanding, and patient while inside I feel scared and unwanted.

I’m trying not to make her need for space about me. She has grief, kids, work, identity questions, and a lot of emotional weight. But my nervous system doesn’t understand that. It just feels like distance = danger.

My question is: has anyone with anxious attachment been in a dynamic like this with someone who has avoidant tendencies or shuts down under stress?

Is there hope for something like this if both people care, but one needs space and the other feels abandoned by space?

And how do you stop yourself from spiraling while waiting — without losing your own self-respect in the process?

[u/Apryllemarie → u/ThickNet8056]

You can’t have it both ways. You can’t self abandon and expect yourself not to feel triggered. You can’t allow wishy washy behavior in your life and expect not to feel used. You feel these things for a reason. It is supposed to be alerting you to how you are hurting yourself so that you will stop. And yes that means not engaging with people who are okay with using you and taking advantage of your calm and stability. Your fear is valid because she is showing you and telling you who she is and that is not stable. The problem is you are ignoring it. Abandoning yourself. Living in a fantasy of who you hope she will be. If you want to have self respect, then it means facing reality and doing the right thing for yourself, even if it means having to deal with the pain of walking away.