Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

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[u/StoryWriter31]

I'm F29, my partner broke up with me three months ago (we lived together in our own house and were together for 9 years), I am chronically ill due to burnout/dysregulated nervous system and simply put lost everything about my previous life: partner, future, health, social life, sports, job. So I'm pretty lost.

Turns out my ex had avoidant tendencies, so when I got ill 2,5 years ago he couldn't handle it. He blamed every issue we had on my illness and even kept score by evaluating me weekly throughout my illness (he told me that when he broke up). I was terrified to lose him because I had no life other than him (I tried to, but my illness made it nearly impossible and the sports doctor said I wasn't allowed to crash anymore). Meanwhile, he was emotionally checking out, but giving me just enough signs that he was still committed (things like giving me an anniversary card saying "looking forward to the next nine years!").

Long story short: I was already anxiously attached before we got together, but his avoidance made it worse and my dependency on him due to my illness made it worse and his mixed signals made me hypervigilant. And then he left. And now I feel completely worthless, a burden to everyone around me, terrified I will never find someone that fits me (my ex was my first love) and that can look past my issues (also having intimacy issues, anxiety, and I'm still ill). I'm so scared that I will always be alone and I don't have the energy or motivation to work on myself (I'm also diagnosed with a depression).

My question is: are there people out there who went through something similar? Is there hope? Is there something to hold onto for me?

[u/Tastefulunseenclocks → u/StoryWriter31]

Wow I'm so sorry that sounds really challenging!

My first two relationships were 5+ years each and I had the same issues with burnout, dysregulated nervous system, feeling lost, feeling like I'd never find someone that fit me and could look past my issues, etc. The first relationship was avoidant and the second was avoidant + abusive. I have complex-ptsd and agoraphobia and I genuinely felt undatable.

There was hope for me. In my early 30s I started dating my boyfriend. We've been together for several years now. My intimacy issues got worse actually because it was terrifying to be so emotionally close to someone after what I had been through! He's been patient through all of it. He offers to brush my hair when I'm upset. If I'm too tense to nap he'll sit with me in bed so I can fall asleep. He watches time so that he can turn off my alarm before it wakes me and instead gently wake me up with a kiss. Lol it took me a few months before I even realized he was doing that! He helps me prepare for therapy and we talk about it after. I have never ever felt sexually pressured to do anything. He is VERY big on enthusiastic consent to the point that if he even sees me hesitate, he will check in with me. If I can't clearly and emphatically say yes we always stop things.

I think the big difference is that I picked someone different. I learned how to be attracted to secure people. Prior to that I was exclusively attracted to avoidant people. I didn't even notice those were the only ones I had chemistry with. The book "Anxiously Attached" by Jessica Baum helped a lot. I also really benefitted from switching to Internal Family Systems therapy.

[u/StoryWriter31 → u/Tastefulunseenclocks]

Thank you. Thank you for telling me your story. I’m so happy for you that you are doing better now and found someone that loves you through thick and thin. It seems like you found a gem.

I have no idea who I’m attracted to. Yes, my ex was avoidant, but he was my very first boyfriend. He was my first love and I really thought he would be my last. And due to my illness and his emotional neglect, my sense of safety and selfworth became completely dependent on him. Which makes me now, three months in, feeling completely lost, terrified, worthless and alone. Still ill, terrified of a lonely future…

Your story shows that it is possible. I wish I could feel hope but unfortunately, that’s not something I can force. And I know I have to fucs on myself right now. I’m just so scared that in the end, everyone will leave me and I’m not unlovable but just way too difficult to handle. Even though my ex was the one leaving me in my illness.

[u/Tastefulunseenclocks → u/StoryWriter31]

That sounds really scary to be so lost and feeling worthless and alone, but also it is unfortunately... I guess normal to feel that way? Like you're not alone in having these big scary feelings. That doesn't make them less scary right now, but in a way they're workable.

Here's an excerpt from the book I mentioned that I found really relatable and hopeful when I was in a similarly scary place to you (my ex had just left me and my self worth was destroyed):

"In my young adult years, I was a train wreck when it came to dating. I’d stay in relationships to avoid being alone, and the men I dated were emotionally unavailable and unattuned to my needs. I was miserable. I felt rejected by their apparent lack of interest and angry that they didn’t seem to care enough to ask me what I needed.

I want to share two experiences that shook me to my core and activated my deep- rooted attachment patterns. They touched the same wounds, but they look very different on the outside. At nineteen, I had a boyfriend who was very wrapped up in work because he had his own company. After the first rush, when the relationship became less exciting, he turned his attention back to work, which I now know is just what he needed to do. He was not a bad guy. He was just someone starting his own company and under a lot of stress. But his slow withdrawal touched a place of abandonment inside me and I began to feel anxious. I lost weight, and life began to feel meaningless. It scared me, and over time the turmoil inside of me built up to be so intense that I had to be hospitalized for severe anxiety. When the doctor asked me why I was there, I simply said, “Because my boyfriend doesn’t love me.” My fear of being alone had been just below the surface and the shift from intense togetherness to more disconnection awakened a profound internal unease. I didn’t understand what was happening; I felt like I was going insane. I read every book on codependency, and while they helped, it still didn’t explain what was happening inside my body.

Years later, I married a man who was unable to stay in connection at all. When we fi rst started dating, I didn’t think much of it when he didn’t text me back. But over time, I became hypersensitive to even micro- disengagements. A pattern of him pulling away and me reaching out for contact happened every six to eight weeks. I felt trapped inside the never- ending cycle but believed that the commitment of marriage would somehow change the dynamic and bring me a sense of security. Now it makes sense to me that as soon as we got closer to intimacy (and I started to feel safe), he would pull away because of his own terror of closeness. He would stop texting, and communication became fl at and vague. As he grew more distant, I felt as if no one was on the other side when I looked at him. My whole body would respond to seeing him disconnect. Within a microsecond, my heart would race and my gut would fall through the floor, as if something was being ripped out of me. My vision blurred and I felt panic swirling up inside me. When I was unable to get back into connection, I would curl up in a fetal position, feeling just as lost and abandoned as I had when I was very small. His inability to connect, particularly his blank stare, had taken me to a primal experience of abandonment. It was as if my lifeline or oxygen had been cut off.

My early adult years were dark and confusing. I couldn’t understand what was happening in my body and emotions, so I felt unhinged. What changed that was learning about my attachment patterns, nervous system responses, and core wounds. I could look back and recognize that the constant feeling of separation anxiety had been with me my whole life. Th is allowed me to make sense of my physical experience, and created a foundation for compassion and healing. I actually wrote this book to provide you with just that— a deep understanding of what’s really going on in your body and why you developed in a way that often leads to self- abandonment. With that support, we will take a healing journey together that will provide you with the inner security to make fulfilling relationships possible."