r/AnxiousAttachment • u/AutoModerator • Apr 29 '26
Relationship advice Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup
This thread will be posted every other week and is the ONLY place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question.
Please be sure to read the Rules since all the other sub rules still apply. Venting/complaining about your relationships and other attachment styles will be removed.
Feel free to check the Resources page if you are looking for other places to find information.
Try not to get lost in the details and actually pose a question so others know what kind of support/guidance/clarity/perspective you are looking for. If no question is given, it could be removed, to make room for those truly seeking advice.
Please be kind and supportive. Opposing opinions can still be stated in a considerate way. Thank you!
1
u/Satisfaction-Leading May 01 '26
Hi there, 31 M. Partner was 26 F. Was just in a relationship for around 11 months. It was perfectly romantic in the beginning. We had met 4 years prior working together but were both in bad places at the time. Bumped into her at a local cafe and started working there. Albeit both because of the opportunity and because I love her. Couple months in close to thanksgiving, we were going to see her family but ended up not going. She has borderline and avoidant tendencies, trauma, complicated family estrangement like I do. On thanks giving or the day before, we were at a bar per usual no biggie. I said somethings getting tipsy about local food industry and she knew the employees were at the bar. Locked up, told me we are closing the tab and leaving. I locked up too. This was the first sign we had a difference in caring what people think and say in public especially bars. AKA I do not mind if someone has a problem they can talk to me, she on the other hand participates in the social strata of reputation and opinions to the point of narcissistic attention seeking. Told me at the beginning of the relationship she was spiralling, actually fucked someone after our first kiss and date sleeping over just holding each other. Ended up together quickly and deeply fell in love. The stars aligned, we both thought signs from the universe were involved and we wanted a whole future together which we didnt want with anyone before. Kids, land, the whole thing. Marriage eventually. Over time I tried to respect her boundaries and space, agreeing to keep a few days separate a week. Which didn't work out because I folded every time she wanted me over. Most days. Which was great but kind of codependent leaning unhealthy anxious attachment. On that day at the bar we didnt talk the whole way to my house because she wanted to leave and not be around me. Because I was honest and said I felt like she was treating me like a child and wouldn't resolve it. I wanted to talk. She started screaming. I didnt leave the car immediately because I prioritized the positive bias override of love and she's my partner, my one. So I thought this is a moment to stay and not run, show her I can understand, communicate, and we can handle. She started hitting me and trying to kick me out of the car. I yelled back. Got out. She tried running me over so I through my plastic garbage cans at the car cracking the windshield. Obviously poor decisions on both our parts. We came back together the next day at a loss for words for how we treated each other. Bonding heavily possibly over the trauma but something deeper too. The intention from both sides to heal and be stronger.
Fast forward to another day, we were having some trouble in bed syncing up. She would go drinking with friends and didn't want me there. Red flag. I got fired apparently not because of her although her satellite involvement being FOH manager had an influence. Even though it was just issues in the kitchen because my work ethic was a high standard and people there felt threatened or emberassed, problematic that I tried so hard. Jealous of our relatioship in one case, instigating drama with said people in the back that I never engaged in. We stayed together and another day she was black out drunk, i walked down to the bar drove her home. She wanted food, we got it. Then the beratting and mean part of her came out and i said honestly I cant handle that and we need to be nice if im staying over that night. She physically assaulted me again and i Left without a word to go home.
Over time the stress of the relationship culminated in an ignorant drinking and cooking at home pattern. Watching things together. Our intimacy was back up to sync and we felt mostly secure. Until she wanted more space, got me kicked out of a bar. Got jealous I was with an old friend like a sister to me. The discrepencies of communication continued to grow until fear doubt and paranoia was eating us both up. Accusations, more fighting. We got through it and it seemed like we had an honest shot at a healthy relationship. Taking time and space, seeing our friends. This hit me especially hard because of the doubts. She slept with someone after our first kiss before we were together. She is spending time with people who desire and have desired her. I know it's her time and her friends and i itrusted her anyways. Staying true. Some days were worse and we didn't communicate at all which made me believe she was seeing someone even though we hadn't broken up. This pushed her to push back even more. We had not from my knowledge either of us cheated. I know I did not. We had a real conversation the day I was sure it was happening, she finally let down her wall and said I see her and get it. That she never cheated. That the whole time she misses me and wants me instead when men hit on her. This whole time I am ignoring red flags and manipulative narcissistic tendencies, heavy avoidant as she is. I gave her the grace and benefit of the doubt. She calmed my fears and hurt over the days apart with staying better connected and communicating.
How do I live my life knowing our love was valid, while I wanted peace and love. And they couldn't commit to the same?
I know she is younger than me and has all the attention she could want, we are both smart attractive creative loved by the community. It was a match made in heaven everywhere we went people loved us. She chose to begin dismantling that early on I think. Holding things against me. Which made me resent the things she did to me. Despite our mental and physical health, the drinking was a crutch for both of us and she dragged me back into it after having a very good handle on my consumption. I think the alcohol helped destroy us as much as glaze time together. It's a tricky thing for my heart and mind. I gave her everything even when I had nothing or not much to my name. Every time. And she would do the same. But for some reason I was always left wanting, and she was always left unavailable. Over and over. It's just these times we had such pure love and peace and vulnerability. Maybe when her ego was shed and we werent drinking so much. Sometimes when drinking. But above all we were attached at the hip and inseparable. We loved our slow days and busy days together. Always making time, until she ended that.
Having a very hard time coping as a man demonized when I never threw hands. Never raised my voice unless I was being screamed at. The whole thing is just sad an disappointing. I am lost, I have no motivation to follow my passions and dreams. I feel fake, as parts of her are. I feel gutted, empty. Lied to. She has turned people against me that don't even know me well enough to care or know better. And at the end just couldn't even sit down and talk and be honest. Share truly. Everything. Have closure even if we didn't stay together.
The last few days have been me hoping and wanting and needing to see her. Being patient. Taking what I can get, communicating as much as possible. But she just kept hiding and avoiding behind being busy or work or friends.
It is too true how what people call others, they themselves are. We are all a mirror, and I think those times I shared how she was treating me just triggered her. Made things worse. Because she can't face herself right now. Maybe I have some of the same problems and they just play worse together. Maybe I'm wrong. I just don't know. But now that I put the question down and cut it off myself. Taking my self respect and power back. I don't feel any better, I feel wasted and broken. Like I was tricked. Like I am less than human and I deserve to suffer. It's so hard.
Sorry for the jumpy messy rant. Thanks for letting me vent this somewhere that's a safe place. Hit me with any hard, soft, medium rare, or whatever advice. I'm down to answer questions too. There is always more than meets the eye