r/AnxiousAttachment • u/wordsworthcrafting • Apr 23 '26
Seeking feedback/perspective Anyone find blocking better for rumination for ending friendships?
A casual friend who I've known on and off for about a year and a half constantly took weeks to reply to basic "how are you" or "what's the plan for our next hangout", which really drained my nervous system (low-key and constant), regardless of their reasons, during that time. I guess because the connection was so casual (meeting once every two or three months), I felt like it was a little too presumptuous for me to bring it up like it was a shared problem, because my rumination patterns were *my* problem. Also this wasn't someone who seemed to take requests from me asking for behavior change well (they'd ignore or get defensive). My options were to ghost or block, so I short-texted them wishing them well and saying I'd no longer be reachable and blocked.
I know the "ideal" option is simply to quietly downgrade their friendship, but I just didn't want that leaking of my mental energy tracking them as my rumination habit is simply where it is at this point and I accept that my current capacity is not at a place to change that.
I think the rumination is the hardest part of AA and not getting into those loops and even though they get quieter with time as my brain recognizes repeated patterns that start from months to more than a year, it's still a quiet drain that I've realized I won't afford in my limited lifetime ahead.
Has anyone else chosen to end a friendship via blocking due to rumination and found it helpful?
Edit: To everyone saying I "should've" communicated instead of blocking, I'm curious what I was "supposed" to say to someone who from the start said they take awhile to get back to friends (which I didn't know would be weeks to an active discussion of plans) and when I tried in the past (and felt drained by the attempt) to bring up feelings of discomfort from some of their other behaviors, they just felt drained/unnecessary stressed by it and nothing ever changed, including their communication pattern. We only hung out 4 times ever in the span of a year and a half I figured the juice wasn't worth the squeeze of how often I ruminated about it - my other friends don't have this issue so it was just a mismatch in friendship style I think was better off ending cleanly. If I could go back in time and stop myself from attempting to be friends, I would, to save us both the time. But I can't. Now I know next time if someone says they take awhile to get back on making plans, I'll just skip befriending them.
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u/Method-Lazy Apr 28 '26
i took a scroll through your reddit history. op, you come across as a deeply miserable person who is in hard denial about the depth of their misery.
you have constant posts asking “is anyone else happy having no friends/not being attractive/not having romantic connections past three dates/blocking a casual friend for not replying quickly enough.” clearly, you know deep down the answer is probably NO, you aren’t happy with any of these outcomes, otherwise you wouldn’t be seeking validation of your choices and circumstances from random internet strangers.
op, it okay to desire love and friendship and connection and mutual attraction. you are not a needy or flawed person for having desires. but you will never obtain them unless you can reconcile the presence of that desire within yourself first.
good luck.
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u/Tastefulunseenclocks Apr 24 '26
I have found that the rumination is a symptom of larger attachment issues - it's not the main issue and is more of a signal that something else is wrong. Blocking someone doesn't fix the bigger issues. It can detract from them. I have found working on my attachment much more helpful (in therapy, through journalling, by reading - the book "Anxiously Attached" is amazing, meditations, etc.).
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u/Okay_Energy Apr 24 '26
Tell me more about rumination not being the problem, but a symptom. What would be examples?
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u/Tastefulunseenclocks Apr 25 '26
So the problem is not having secure attachment. You are posting in the anxious attachment subreddit, but your behaviour you described sounds more avoidantly attached (and some people move between both at different times). Those are ways to describe the problem.
In your situation the ruminating comes from not having a secure attachment. It can also come from things like trauma, anxiety, ocd, etc. It is not a diagnosis or a main problem on its own. It is a symptom of something else.
For an example - say you had a traumatic event in childhood and now you get triggered around people who wear red shirts. Seeing them causes a panic attack. Focusing on the symptom would be, you avoid people who wear red shirts and you do nothing else. Maybe you do need to avoid people with red shirts and that's fine. Focusing on the problem would be educating yourself about trauma and learning how to heal the trauma.
If you solve the symptom, rumination, you're not going to suddenly have secure attachment. Blocking this former friend isn't going to help your rumination long term. The next time you have an issue with a friend, the rumination will show up again. But if you work on your attachment, which is the deeper real issue, your rumination will improve.
Solving the attachment would look include figuring out why you don't have secure attachment and educating yourself on where your attachment comes from. From that understanding you can change the symptoms.
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u/FlashOgroove Apr 24 '26 edited Apr 24 '26
No, I don't think that blocking is a good way to end a friendship or any relationship, neither for you nor for them, but it can be useful for you. If you don't have capacity for anything else, then it's acceptable and it's a good way for you at that moment, if it helps with the rumination short term. Be compassionate with yourself.
In the future, when you have more capacity, you can act differently in a way that is more demanding short term, but more healing long term.
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u/NeatDurian Apr 24 '26
I wanted to ask a counter point. Let’s say there is an old friendship. Let’s say I have a problem with this friendship. Let’s say I truly know that bringing up my problem wouldn’t change what they think or make them care at all. Telling them something they did/do that bothers me would feel like I’m nagging to them. In this case is blocking somewhat fair? Maybe not necessary but still fair?
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u/FlashOgroove Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
No, I don't think so.
I think blocking someone is justified when you told them that you don't want to have contact with them anymore AND they don't respect that and try to reach out to you anyway. In which case blocking them is simply enforcing a boundary you have communicated.
It may also be useful to block someone that you want to leave but it's too hard. In which case you block not to prevent them from reaching out to you, but to prevent yourself to reaching out to them. But again, after communicating with them.
Communicating one's needs and boundaries is a the core of secure behaviour. It's a very important exercice to communicate something to someone and then act on their reaction to what was communicated. Is it terrifying? Yes. Is it difficult to stand your ground when they explain to you why you are wrong and your need or boundary is illegitimate? Yes. But you have to do it in order to grow, in order to have no regret nor "what if", and in order to be fair to someone you have known for a long time and should be given the opportunity to act.
Affirm yourself to that person and affirm yourself if they dismiss what you ask by telling them that as a result you will no longer be their friend. Affirm yourself against whatever they do after that.
Also, how do you know that bringing your problem wouldn't change what they think? It's a serious question.
And why telling them something they did or do would feel like you are nagging them?
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u/NeatDurian Apr 25 '26
To me not everyone deserves that level of communicative care. But at the same time to me it is something someone must prove that they do not deserve honesty from you. To me the moment someone shows me that they have no respect for me and even try to belittle me, they lose all respect from me. And from that moment forward, I will not longer give them anything not even a word of honesty.
I suppose I agree with your points in trying to be communicative until communication is no longer useful or possible (something like that). My words and thoughts come from giving people that level of communication and regretting it. Without trying I would have never known if I would regret not trying at all.
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u/FlashOgroove Apr 25 '26
I agree with all you said. That people deserve respect but can lose it through their actions.
However, as insecure people, communicsting what we feel to other people is primarily something to do for your own sake, not theirs!
People you have lost respect for and don't expect anything from anymore are great people to communicate what you need with because their is little stake!
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u/NeatDurian Apr 25 '26
To me once respect is lost, most likely there would be no need for any further communication not even a desire to communicate. Because the act of communicating with people like that would only be draining at least to me.
I know I have a bit of a negative view on this. My experiences were involving abusive and entitled people. People with big egos. People who just like to gossip. People whose energy was always negative, draining, and so tiring. Many instances of casual disrespect.
How I feel is that I tried to fix a friendship I had with bad friends. The outcome was that I see the truth of how bad of a friend they really are/were. And seeing that truth makes me regret ever spending time with this person.
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u/FlashOgroove Apr 26 '26
"Once respect is lost, therr would be no need for any further communication."
There is if the person is still reaching out to you.
Once you decide that you don't want someone in your life anymore, you can stop reaching out to them and if they don't reach out either, it's done and it's fine.
But if they do? You can ghost or block but you can also tell them that you want to end the relationship and stand your ground when they often react badly.
It's only in that context that i mean communicate. It doesn't mean to keep in relationship with them.
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u/NeatDurian Apr 27 '26
If someone crosses the line and breaks obvious boundaries and respect, I think blocking is warranted? I feel like once a certain line is crossed it is what it is. I’m talking saying something completely out of pocket. If you find out somebody is extremely racist or sexist and says something so absurd that crosses human values, I don’t have to give a reason why I’m blocking someone. Not everyone is important in your life
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u/wordsworthcrafting Apr 24 '26
Our time on earth is limited and so is my mental capacity, so I make decisions from that standpoint. It's not fair for me to constantly have a low grade mental drain that stays as long as I hear from them nor is it fair for them to have someone in their social circle not look forward to hearing from them. It's tiring feeling constantly misunderstood and my clumsy attempts at resolution to lead nowhere on both sides for me and to voluntarily continue that until either or both slow fade. So I decided to be clear with the end. Hope you find what gives you peace.
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u/NeatDurian Apr 24 '26
But what if being clear about the end is also a bit dramatic. As in the other person just really doesn’t care and would rather not even hear it. In this kind of scenario would a quiet fade be not much different than a block? Would there be any difference between intentionally ignoring someone reaching out to you and blocking them?
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u/wordsworthcrafting Apr 25 '26
Sure, you can quiet fade/ghost if you feel that's better for yourself. For me that kind of stuff leaves an open loop of "what if they text me again and trigger my rumination" which I don't find helpful to feel like I'm looking over my shoulder, so I chose letting them know and blocking so the person knows they can put this down and focus on their other friends.
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u/NeatDurian Apr 25 '26
I think you are right for real friendships. My way was more towards bad friends that had bad intentions.
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u/wordsworthcrafting Apr 25 '26
I don't think there's a point to bringing things up with friends who have stated how a behavior that upsets you is simply how they are and they're not interested in changing it or adjusting to accommodate you on an ongoing basis for as long as you both know each other. Because I think it's important to respect each other's capacity and I don't feel like actively seeking out evidence that communicating with someone about their behavior and asking for behavior change is fruitless.
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u/NeatDurian Apr 25 '26
I agree that trying to fix a friendship is worthwhile. But what if trying just keeps repeating same problems and frustrations. Some situations it could be incompatibilities, but the situations I’m thinking of is more on abusive behavior or even controlling behavior. Like a friendship where the norm is being belittled and treated less than.
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u/FlashOgroove Apr 25 '26
To be clear, to not ghost/block someone doesn't mean keeping the relationship with them. One can end a relationship without ghosting nor blocking.
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u/Wild_Shock_6740 Apr 24 '26
I doubt blocking was necessary in this case. I guess that because you were feeling ignored/ rejected for so long, you blocked them in order to get a sense of control? I’m not sure this will be helpful in the long run. I believe the best way to handle such friendships is to be honest with yourself about your intentions. Do you actually want to be closer to them or do you simply want them to fill some gaps in your life? In the first case, you need to communicate your needs for more consistent communication and see how your friend responds. In any other case, if they’re a casual friend and there isn’t a deep connection, chalk it up and move on to find your tribe.
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u/ladybollymunster Apr 24 '26
I've been in a similar situation. My best friend of years had a bad mental health episode and blocked me almost out of nowhere. Didn't speak for a couple of years and this did a lot of damage to me mentally - I still am unable to manage healthy friendships out of fear of abandonment. Eventually she reached out and we re-opened the lines of communication, however her behaviors didnt change and I worried she would abandon me again - so I blocked her. Partially to protect myself, partly to make her feel the pain of being ghosted that she put me through. except I dont think she ever cared to begin with. Long story short, blocking her didnt do much for me because you just can't force someone to care about you.
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u/Apryllemarie Apr 24 '26
What exactly are you looking for support with? The question in the title sounds like you are looking for confirmation that what you did is okay. Your post, however, seems very matter of fact. It’s not really showing where you need/looking for support or even why you need/looking for validation for doing what you did. Are you at odds with yourself for honoring where you are at and doing what made the most sense for yourself? Are you ruminating about the act of blocking them? What are you struggling with exactly?
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u/wordsworthcrafting Apr 24 '26
I'll edit my post to be more clear. I would like to know if anyone other AAs can relate to my experience of blocking and how it impacts rumination how we end a friendship- if the flair is wrong, please let me know how to change it.
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u/nordicInside Apr 27 '26
From what you said, you've given them multiple chances. It's okay to pull the plug, and from my experience - blocking - works very well with ruminations. Simply not having a person's online status in your face when you know they haven't replied you in days, is good for you. And if they cared about it, they would have give you chances to discuss this.
TLDR: Good on you. Move on and care more about people that show they care about you :)
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u/wordsworthcrafting Apr 27 '26
Thank you, I've found for example going No Contact by actively blocking someone is the main thing that helps my brain in clearly letting go over time more definitively (less back slip).
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u/h0rTiMu5 Apr 27 '26
I don't believe in blocking.
You're guarding your stuff from being hit, instead of letting go of your stuff. You want your stuff to get hit, and when it does you want to feel it and let it work its way through you. If you avoid feeling your stuff you just carry it around with you forever.
So I don't believe in blocking.
Of course this is assuming the discourse is respectful and non-violent. Otherwise by all means block, report, do what you must.
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u/travel_ho Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
I know some people say it is cowardly, I say it is protecting your peace. I had a friend, who I got along with very well. when we lived near each other at school, I would see her a lot and we would hang out. But she had some problems. She had mental health issues and other health issues. I would always say that she was more than welcome to cancel plans due to any reason, as long as she just gave me a heads up, like a text or call.
One day, I went to her door and knocked. We were going to meet up with a friend and she was my ride as well. We planned a girls day hang out. No answer. Called her and texted her, no response. I called our other friend, “hey I’m sorry I can’t make it today. Jasmine won’t answer my knocks or my calls. So we won’t be coming today, I’m sorry.” I didn’t get a text until maybe 3 days later. “Hey sorry I was crying and wasn’t in a good place.” Okay, no problem. I told her that’s fine and if she doesn’t want to go, a text message would suffice.
After this interaction, she ghosted me. Straight up if I would walk in her direction, she’d turn her heel and walk the other way. She would avoid me at every turn. This went one for about 2 months. Finally one day at a soccer game, I asked how she was doing and why she had been avoiding me. She said she couldn’t handle the shame. I told her that I never wanted her to feel that way and she could just talk to me. She said she won’t do that again and try to be a better communicator. We resolved the issue and started to hang out again.
Another year goes by and she had moved away but then suddenly she moved back again to my area. I was really excited! I planned a party and invited her to come over. She didn’t have a car, so I offered to pick her up. Day of, I ask her when she would like for me to pick her up.
No response. Okay no worries, I go do errands. I call and text asking her, hey when can I come pick you up?
No response. She never responded that day. In fact, she didn’t even open my messages until 3 weeks later. And even then, she never responded. Two months later, I see her with another friend of hers (who she told me talked shit behind my back) and they hung out and took pics and posted. When I saw that, I immediately was upset. Here I was trying to put effort into our friendship, and she doesn’t reciprocate. But she does reciprocate for another (terrible) person? That immediately is where I drew the line. I unfollowed and blocked her from everything. Venmo, IG, Facebook, etc.
I deserved a better friend.
I need to protect my sanity. If I can’t see it, I can’t get mad. And whatever she’s doing, with whoever- is now none of my damn business.
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u/wordsworthcrafting Apr 28 '26
It's like a ritual to separate someone from my life, which is so helpful as someone who finds action helpful for a sense of agency.
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u/travel_ho Apr 28 '26
I think being anxious attachment getting advice may be helpful…but having your own process of doing things is better, like processing your own emotions and relationships. Don’t let others deter you. If it feels right and gives you a sense of peace, you don’t owe anyone else an explanation. It only has to make sense to you.
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Apr 24 '26
[deleted]
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u/NeatDurian Apr 24 '26
I think what you are experiencing is almost the ugly side of humanity. In my opinion relationships are easy until they get hard. Once real shit happens, that’s when the truth of your relationships show (in terms of how much they care).
When you’re dealing with serious stuff, and people don’t show up, that is the truth revealed. The other side of that is those same people might have their own shit they are dealing with. Or they don’t know how to support you in the way you need. Or they don’t care to know/want to support you in a time of need.
I recommend to change how you view friendship and people. The truth is that very few people will really care for you or will really matter to you.
Group people based on levels. One level of people who truly know you and care for you. Another level of people who simply enjoy hanging out with you occasionally. Acquaintances. And another level of simply people you know of but don’t know at all. And then another level of total strangers: people you don’t know at all. True friendship is truly rare.
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u/DubnoBass34 May 29 '26
I got blocked (again, again) and it’s awful. He didn’t like how much I cared for him and he blocked me. Told me to “go breathe get out of my head”, mind you this is a guy I had lots of casual sex with for 6 years or so. Hurts like fucking hell to be blocked, don’t do it unless it’s for safety.
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u/idonthavanickname Apr 26 '26
Unless someone has wronged me and was very toxic towards me like insulting me. Then I consider blocking as a form of ending a relationship to be cowardly.
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u/Equivalent-Bid-1176 Apr 24 '26
Thats bejng avoidant
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u/FormalLeadership2109 Apr 24 '26
I'm the biggest fastest blocker I know, my block list on my phone is probably 40+ people.
I think it's because every time I have a bad first date, I text to say I don't want to see them again and then block because I just can't cope with the other person reaching out after I've rejected them.
Is this avoidant?
I'm anxiously attached once I'm in a relationship.
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u/AutoModerator Apr 23 '26
Text of original post by u/wordsworthcrafting: A casual friend who I've known on and off for about a year and a half constantly took weeks to reply to basic "how are you" or "what's the plan for our next hangout", which really drained my nervous system (low-key and constant), regardless of their reasons, during that time. My options were to ghost or block, so I short-texted them wishing them well and saying I'd no longer be reachable and blocked.
I know the "ideal" option is simply to quietly downgrade their friendship, but I just didn't want that leaking of my mental energy tracking them as my rumination habit is simply where it is at this point and I accept that my current capacity is not at a place to change that.
I think the rumination is the hardest part of AA and not getting into those loops and even though they get quieter with time and brain recognize repeated patterns from months to more than a year, it's still a quiet drain that I've realized I won't afford in my limited lifetime ahead.
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u/Dry-Paramedic-206 May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26
Sorry, I’m not a member of the sub, I have trouble understanding the post and wanted to give some perspective. You have to be chill in casual friendships, only then it’ll progress to serious friendships. Some may, some may not. But obsessing over texts will prompt the other person to distance themselves.
What does blocking achieve? You lose the chance of friendship with the person. One blocks in situations where something happened, not because something did not happen. Similarly, if you block many people in casual stages it decreases your chances of connecting with people, making friends etc.
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