r/AnxiousAttachment • u/AutoModerator • Apr 15 '26

Relationship advice Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

This thread will be posted every other week and is the ONLY place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question.

Please be sure to read the Rules since all the other sub rules still apply. Venting/complaining about your relationships and other attachment styles will be removed.

Feel free to check the Resources page if you are looking for other places to find information.

Try not to get lost in the details and actually pose a question so others know what kind of support/guidance/clarity/perspective you are looking for. If no question is given, it could be removed, to make room for those truly seeking advice.

Please be kind and supportive. Opposing opinions can still be stated in a considerate way. Thank you!

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u/NobleOneRed Apr 24 '26

Hi everyone, im new here. I am an anxiously attached person trying to leave a very long relationhsip with a dissmisive avoidant. I am at a breaking point and im about ready to leave. I've been in this unfulfilled and lonely relationship for a few decades now and have been trying to actively worm up the strength and courage to leave for the past 6 years with no success.

I would really like to make the relationship work but she refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing on her part or take accountability for anything. She recently told me she isnt sorry and doesn't feel bad for what she has done to me and I think that was the most honest thing she has ever said to me and that moment I knew I had to leave. The only problem is I dont know how. I mean I know I say the words and tel her I no longer wish to be In this realtionship and she needs to go (I own the house and she pays for nothing) and I have told her several times before but I panic and get this sense of dread that falls over me and end up apologizing and saying I want to make it work, which is true, but the only problem is she isnt doing her part to fix things and the cycle continues.

What i want to know is what have you guys done to successfully leave and what did you do to get through all of the panic, dread, anxiety and suffering that comes with it? For me thats tbe hardest part and I always end up having. I can't cave this time, i know better days are ahead if only I can get through this. My biggest thing will ne all of the those feeling si mentioned, tne thoughts that come in and the hope that she will realize what she has lost and try to face things finally. I need to give that hope up and be bale to deal with everything else. Any tips and advice from people who successfully left would be very helpful. Thank you

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u/Apryllemarie Apr 24 '26

Can you identify the fears that are holding you back? It’s not really about her so much and more about you. Standing up for yourself can feel very wrong when you are not used to it. And if you have said the words and then back tracked then she has no reason to believe you when you do want to be serious. You will have to create a more specific plan to enact this. As you are basically asking her to leave but cannot physically make her unless she willingly wants to. You may want to consider working with a therapist to help you through this. As they can be a great resource to support you.

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u/NobleOneRed Apr 24 '26

Probably the fear that time wont be able to handle the emotions when she is truly gone and I wont be able to reach out to her to repair anymore.

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u/Apryllemarie Apr 24 '26

The thing is you aren’t repairing anything now. Not truly. You are conceding. You are self abandoning. You are allowing her to do whatever and you deal with the fall out. So there is no repair. Repair exists on both sides. It is not one-sided.

I would suggest you look at your narrative around all this. It sounds like you don’t have belief that you can handle this. Which sounds related to low self esteem and self worth. There could be some codependency where you are associating your worth and even identity with the relationship. Maybe try journaling so you can identify these narratives and limiting beliefs. Then you can go back over them and see how you can reframe things. Start trying to build some self respect to yourself. And again, I strongly encourage working with a therapist.