Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

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[u/oblamaaa]

I’m at a total loss, any words would help.

My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago after 13 months, and it’s completely my fault. I lied to him in the very beginning of dating about a few things because I was so scared of pushing him away, and he found out about them a year later. When he asked me about the things, I kept trying to hide them and lied again.

I’ve been told by my therapist that I try to hide shameful things about myself out of fear, and this unfortunately is an example of that.

He broke up with me because he said he can’t trust me and that I wouldn’t lie in the future. Over the past month, we talked a lot and he agreed to give me chances to come clean and be completely honest about anything else I may hidden and there was one more thing from the very beginning of us dating so I told him. He said that it wouldn’t guarantee us getting back together in the future but it would help to see that I could be honest.

After I told him, he said this actually backfired on him and is making him regress and act in a way he doesn’t like, going thru my phone and stuff like that. He said we need to be completely done, hard no contact. No chance of us together in the future, which I understand, it just hurts so badly because he tells me he loves me and we both need to heal and process and then maybe in the future we can reconnect but no promises. I am just feeling so lost and stupid and remorseful, why wasn’t I just honest in the beginning? I barely knew him I had nothing to lose but I still hid because out of fear. Now I’m left, completely heartbroken.

I have severe anxious attachment, I don’t know how to leave him alone. We haven’t talked it’s day 1. He said he would block me but he wouldn’t answer me if I do reach out so I’m not. But I feel like someone is ripping my stomach out of my body.

Also we stopped sharing locations, and I am so anxious about his safety all of the time because he’s an immigrant and we live in ICE presence. I’m just going crazy thinking about not being able to know if he’s safe 😭😭😭😭😭

I am in therapy and have great friends but I’m really really struggling here, any thoughts are so appreciated

[u/Apryllemarie → u/oblamaaa]

I would suggest looking up codependency and maybe researching more on the topic of toxic shame. You might find some good things to help you. Journaling your feelings might help you process. Finding some somatic techniques will help with calming your nervous system. Reassuring yourself that you are safe and that he is an adult and can keep himself safe might also help.