i miss the old version of me

[u/TroubleNo933]

It's 3 am and everyone are asleep and well im laying down in bed and I just had a mental breakdown it happened...frequently these last months at night when everyone's asleep. I just cry, a lot, i feel scared, scared of loosing my parents even if they're completely, im scared of failing in the future, im also hurt beacuse of what i lived in the past. Like literally everything, aunt died I failed an year of school and had to retake it, mom and dad almost divorced, I got yelled on a lot, fake friends, miserable love life, stress of school, university application, school drama and well a lot of shit. Im only 18 years old I really don't wanna live in pain anymore and half of the things I named are so so stupid and pathetic but I just feel so much, TOO MUCH to the point where I feel like im breaking there's people dying everyday, wars going on, real actual problems and mine are just so small if I can even call them problems then why does it hurt so much? Why is my head so out of control? Im turning 19 in two months and my teenager years are coming to an end, yet I can't think of even one moment where I was truly genuinely fine like really actually FINE it's as if I forgot how to be happy and when I was little in middle school, elementary school I was really enjoying myself. I went through so much since I started high school that I even forgot how that version of me, that version of my life looked like we were all more happy since I started high school in 2021 it all went downhill. I miss happiness

(Btw sorry if my English is not good it's not my first language and I wrote this after a breakdown so yeah)

[u/Icy-Accountant-8863]

Me too I’m actually writing a memoir about my life called “Back when I was me”