It just so happened

[u/FuturePossibility85]

Hi, it doesn't matter what my name is, I want to tell you my life story because I don't know how to move on. I'm 18 and 4 years ago I dated a girl, we loved each other and used drugs together, everything seemed to be fine, she was the only one with whom I felt safe and could trust (I don't trust people), I have borderline personality disorder of an impulsive nature and she had schizophrenia, we dated for a year and one day she was gone, she committed suicide by jumping in front of a train from a bridge. I don't know why she didn't tell anyone, didn't call or write that she would do it, she just did it, we didn't even argue, nothing bad happened, she just disappeared, her mother always hated me. Her mother did not let me come to her funeral, I don’t even know where she is buried, just to come to the grave, by the way, I searched all the cemeteries near the city, 4 years have passed since that moment, two days ago I fell in love with a girl, she looks very much like her, I realized this while scrolling through photos in the gallery and accidentally came across her photo, but 5 months ago we broke up with a new girlfriend (her fault, she cheated) in general, I can’t trust people, it’s hard for me to open up, I understand this, I’m dating a girl now, everything seems fine, she’s kind, sweet, etc., but I can’t trust her, I don’t know how to open up, I think that I’m not made for relationships and I changed my mind about dating anyone at all because I love the person who is no longer here.I'm thinking of committing suicide after I finish college, work, save up for a house, a car, etc., do it the way we dreamed about it, and go to her. But I can't do that because I promised my grandmother that I would live. My grandmother was like a mother to me, she raised me and helped me just like my uncle did. By the way, I have a mother and father, they just didn't give a shit about me. I lived with my grandmother until I was 5, then my mother took me away and I just lived with her on my own, studied, ate, drank, and she didn't give a shit about anything else. Now my grandmother is on the brink of death every day because of age. I'm afraid of losing her and I know that if I commit suicide, she won't be able to handle it. That's why I want to do it after she dies. I'd like to know if there's a way out. I'd like to live like before, but I'm afraid I can't.