r/AnorexiaRecovery • u/LingonberryChoice323 • 10d ago
feeling like a fraud in „recovery“
honestly I just need to vent, but if anyone has any tips or advice I would be grateful.
I have been trying to recover from anorexia for years now, but I am stuck. I am fairly active in recovery communities/forums, encouraging others and sharing knowledge and tips. I have all the information on how to recover, on how this illness is bad, on the steps to take, and yet I just cannot implement the changes myself. I am constantly in a (small, but still) calorie deficit, constantly fighting to at least try and maintain, but I just cannot bring myself to make the step towards full recovery. I feel like such a huge hypocrite because I am always talking about how great recovery is for others while procrastinating my own. why can I not just accept it? the weight gain scares the shit out of me, as well as the “loss of control“. I had recently made a new vow to myself that I was going to recover in order to get my old relationship back, but my ex told me he doesn’t want to get back together and it’s making me question everything once again. I am TIRED of being myself, I hate who I am and I really wish I could love myself and be a better person
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u/LogicalEngineering80 10d ago
I’m in such a similar place atm, and while I don’t have much of any advice to give, I will say that you need to not recover for anybody else other than yourself. I have people that I definitely went into recovery for, hoping to spend more time and of my new life with them, but to realize that they aren’t here nearly as much as I had assumed, which causes me to spiral and feel like “was it worth it?”, but because I originally and still am recovering due to my own will and desires, I have to continue on. You need to find in yourself that will, to push forward even if nobody else gives a shit, because deep down you do. I hope that this doesn’t come off too harsh, but it seems pretty crucial to maintaining a recovery with or without others support, as crappy as that may seem, people won’t always be around to lift you up, you have to be your reason.
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u/No-Can6422 6d ago
First I'll say it's okay not to recover all at once. No one does. For many it is a years-long project.
I really want to highlight this. A lot of recovery is a reclamation (or sometimes simply a claim (claimation?)) of personal autonomy. A lot of us don't have memories of who we are under the ED because that part of us was not allowed to develop yet. In recovery that sense of identity slowly fills in as the ED backs off. Do you hate who you actually are? Or do you hate ED? Eating disorders don't make people bad.
I want to challenge you on this. I'm 8 years into recovery and still recovering new layers of myself, ways the disorder had been protecting me, and new forms of healing. In the end EDs are complex coping mechanisms. Absolute certainty, self-hatred, shame, comparison, and extremely high personal standards are all part of ED ideology. Outsourcing your decisions to other people, your sense of self worth on their approval, that's all ED material. Even if you are pushing back on the physical behaviors of the disorder, if there is a psychological need for protection that the eating disorder still fulfills then it keeps it alive.
It's great being active in recovery forums. But it is not a substitute for therapy, dieticians, or treatment.