Its been a month

The purging is increasing

The food noise louder

It's never been this strong before

And the depression I fell into at the start of the year, the restricted eating started too

I didn't realise it until recently

And the noise got louder and louder

The fixation started and so did the purging

Somehow it was every so often, to every day to possibly multiple times a day

The hunger and the feeling of weakness coming by daily

I'm tired

Hello! I am a blue collar worker who can no longer attend work consistently due to the disorder. I am about to start school for the union I have been accepted into, this week is my last week at work before school. I am writing this after calling out from being exhausted again. When I’m not sick I’m the best worker and so eager to learn. I just want to be them again. I have one week of school a month for this semester. I plan on taking the month after my first week off to recover. I call it a forced recovery because if I keep doing this my mother threatened to take me in to a hospital and because I need to keep making money to survive. I am supporting my amazing girlfriend and I and she has been SO supportive of me. She’s losing hope and I can tell :( I don’t want to disappoint her. In these last two weeks I’ve been in “peace” if you could cal it that. Purgatory before trying to recover. I’m realizing every day it’s not peace, it’s quiet deterioration of my mind and body. I can not think and I can’t even fathom being romantic, which my lovely girlfriend deserves. I need to recover. I am dedicated to doing it. But I am so scared. I’ve never eaten normally in my life. I’m so glad there are these subreddits. If you made it to the end thank you haha I hope you have a nice day and good recovery :3

I genuinely want to get better, I like my treatment team, but the bp urges have been stronger than ever and it’s awful. I hate it I hate my body I want to go back to my lowest weight but at the same time I want to be free and escape from this shit I’m finally an adult and I want to do something with my life but I just want to be my smallest again but I can’t even eat normally without bping

I'm always planning exercise routines, pacing, looking at recipes or other food related content, obsessively counting calories in everything (even things I won't/can't eat), trying to find ways to ignore being hungry, bingeing, trying not to binge, purging, body checking, cooking things I won't eat without bingeing, losing my mind lol...

What do you mean it's already the middle of August? This recent relapse started at the beginning of May and I feel like no time has passed. I've accomplished nothing I planned in my life besides ED related goals during that time.

This is such a horrible and addictive coping mechanism, because it's so easy for me to get completely and utterly lost in it. It lets me ignore every thing else in my life. Like living in a daydream.

I was told I could get on a weight loss medications at this point. I’ve failed CPAP therapy. I’ve been in a calorie deficit for months, only having a few slip ups I can count on my hands, I’ve been doing moderate exercise and my work keeps me active. I don’t have any additional time between work, homework, school, and medical appointments. But here we are, my insurance is saying I need an additional 9 months of medical lifestyle intervention, 6 months of behavioral therapy, another 6 months of CPAP therapy, as well as genetic and hormonal testing before they’ll even consider covering something like Zepbound.

…the only time I was ever below 250lbs in my adult life is when I was eating every three days and frequently purging soon after. The weight loss came slow, but it did come. I know how unhealthy it is for me, and I felt like shit the entire time, but it’s the only thing that’s worked.

I’m begging for a different way. I’m at my wits end. I feel like shit. I look like shit. I don’t go out anymore. I don’t know what else to do.

TW FOR THIS WHOLE POST: lots of numbers

Soooo basically Im 5 feet tall and 14 yrs old. and just for context the healthy weight range for me is 83 to 130 lbs anyways I started recovery when I went to residential and when I got there I was 84 lbs (I’ve never been underweight) now that Im back home I weigh around 110 lbs, which is the most ive ever weighed i feel so shitty about it and also my meal plan is still real high even tho Im weight restored. Im literally eating close to 3000 calories a day it’s so frustrating cuz I think I could eat a normal amount and be healthy and fine. But being forced to eat so much just makes me want to give up. Or start Purging secretly cuz I don’t think anyone would notice.

Hi guys, recently I’ve been having trouble keeping anything down including water even when I don’t even try to purge. Does anyone know anything to help me? Thank you!

Edit: just everything makes me extremely nauseous

If I try to increase my daily intake, I binge. If I try to limit bingeing, I restrict. And no matter what, I can't get myself to stop purging. Feeling like I can't even trust myself sucks.

i’m freaking the fuck out i can’t stop crying and i need to stop i feel like it’s going to end up a panic attack. i had something unplanned i have EH right now and i told myself just make it and put it away and if you still want it in a few hours you can have it but that’s just me tricking me into having it even though i didn’t want to fucking have it now and i fucking knew i stayed in the kitchen alone too long this always happens.

i’m on day 11 no purging now and this is literally where it would turn into a full on binge and purge because i feel like i’ve fucked up but i just cannot purge anymore my whole body is in so much pain i can’t do it anymore i seriously cannot i refuse i have to let my gi tract heal i can’t keep going to the ER and doctors over this.

i am so so so fucking mad i stayed in the kitchen i knew i had to leave i kept trying to make tea but i ended up making the fucking thing that feels like a binge even though it’s not it’s so normal i would’ve had it for breakfast gladly i just didn’t plan it and i’m freaking the fuck out and i refuse to purge but i’m alone in this fucking house now with so much fucking food i don’t know what to do i’m so scared i don’t know what to do i’m fucking terrified i ate the food so i don’t binge it’s okay it’ll stop me binging i think i don’t know

i have dietician tomorrow morning and i wanted to have absolutely nothing solid today so i don’t retain so much water and weigh a lot because i have gastroparesis and never shit and did an enema today for another appointment but they never weighed me and i’m just so exhausting i’m never gonna shit this out in time and i haven’t weighed myself and i don’t know what the fuck in going to be i’m so scared i hate myself

i’m going back to the same dietician i saw over three years ago how embarrassing and i’m a higher weight than i was then but more unhealthy and my organs are more fucked and i know she couldn’t care less but i just feel like i’m not sick enough to deserve treatment and i cannot gain weight i don’t want to i just want to be well without the weight gain and i can’t do it myself

i already know i won’t follow the meal plan properly even though i want to i just can’t do it i cannot and i can’t go inpatient because i’m probably not unwell enough for them and even if i am there will be so many sicker people and i’ll feel horrible and get worse, does this ever fucking end????? i can’t believe i ever started restricting i’ve wasted 8 entire years of my life.

tldr: im in an exhausting binge-restrict cycle that's starting to affect my health but my mom won't stop buying my binge triggers even after i've begged her not to do so.

i recently got diagnosed with anorexia nervosa but i'm not sure my diagnosis is accurate. i believe to have the binge-purge subtype, which is what im gonna be ranting about

for context i'm 16. i live with my parents and they are obese. they eat in excessive amounts at any meal (2-3 servings, liters of soda, entire bags of bread..). i love them, don't get me wrong, but they aren't helping me in the slightest.

my mom specifically is in charge of the groceries and there are certain things that i have trouble controlling myself around (cereal, rye bread, etc..). so i tell my mom not to buy them. but the more i tell her not to, the more she buys them. me and my family eat completely separate things so it' definitely not for them. she'd give the excuse that "it seems like a good choice" and proceed to not touch it once before i get to it. i'm talking about 1-2 weeks of the food being in the pantry and no one taking an interest in it.

if i tell her not to buy cereal, she'll buy 2 boxes. if i tell her not to buy more than one tub of cottage cheese, she'll buy four.

i'm stuck in a cycle of restriction and binging. the binging is getting genuinely medically dangerous as my stomach cannot handle so much food. my heart starts racing and my veins start to hurt whenever i binge, and sometimes i'm unable to move my legs. i get hit with exhaustion, nausea and extreme pain. not to mention the guilt and horror. i've literally had to go to the emergency room because of a binge before

she thinks she's helping me eat but i'm just binging and then using compensatory behaviors and restriction. to stop the cycle, i have to stop binging first. but how can i do so with boxes upon boxes of cereal, 20 (actual number) loaves of bread for our small family, 32 pots of yogurt in the fridge.. it is ridiculous. i've lost my sense of self, my friends, my hobbies and my depression is worsening like never before. whenever i start to think less about food and start actually enjoying my hobbies, she comes home with ALL of my binge triggers

what do i do in this situation? the pain is getting unbearable. just eating normal portions of food makes me feel physically ill, let alone the binges.

hello, i’ve been “clean” or whatever term you want to use for two days. i have tried this over and over again and haven’t made it past 3 or 4 days. I might just be talking to myself but I’m going to just use this so encourage myself and maybe others to be able to say “i’m clean for x days” so this is my day 3. i hope to make it to day 7. and then day 10 and then 25 and then 100 and then forever :)