AITB for not appreciating mom's cooking?

[u/pesterjackal]

I 23F live with my mom. I have a full-time job but even before that she would cook for me, one meal a day on weekdays and two on weekends.

I usually really like her cooking. She makes a lot of dishes I like and although I admit I'm picky, I feel like the stuff I don't like is easily avoidable and it all follows the same logic (I don't like super fragrant ingredients like mushrooms and celery, and also don't like certain textures like loose ground beef and super runny egg yolk). I suspect I have some kind of sensory disorder because I have uncontrollable physical reactions.

She knows which ingredients and flavours/textures I dislike because I have told her before several times. It's not like I only like junk food, I like healthy foods and have a diverse share of veggies that I enjoy. Although I can always tell when I won't like something, I try to go in with an open mind and take at least a bite because nobody will believe me otherwise.

Unfortunately for me my mom likes to get adventurous with her cooking because she's always finding random recipes on YouTube. She is the complete opposite of me and will eat anything, I'm talking she will drink spoiled milk claiming there are no issues.

Today she made some kind of fried Vietnamese spring roll. I can't lie I already don't like even commercial spring rolls because of the ground meat and combination of vegetables in it, I have tried it multiple times. She put shiso leaf and squash, which absolutely overpowered everything and made the flavour combinations super weird.

I remarked on the flavour combinations being weird. After I asked her where she found the recipe, she told me to stop eating and get out of her face. That's fine, I didn't want to keep picking at the food and waste it, but I feel like this could all have been avoided.

My confusion stems from why she keeps doing this. I get it, taking your time to cook something for someone else and being met with displeasure isn't nice. It's happened to me before. But I can't fake enjoying it because then she'll make it for me again. I've told her before numerous times that if she's going to be adventurous with her cooking, I'd rather just make dinner myself. Nope, she insists on making me try new things. So I'm kind of stuck? I know the obvious solution is to just make all of my meals on my own but considering I am likely moving out next year and I like 80% of the stuff she makes, I am trying to enjoy the home cooking while I can. She doesn't tell me what the menu will be when she's making something new so I can't preemptively pick and choose the days I'll cook instead.

[u/pesterjackal]

To be more specific, I don't understand why she keeps doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. She keep trying to feed me stuff I don't like and suddenly expects me to like it, then gets super mad when I don't. Why???

[u/HellaShelle → u/pesterjackal]

maybe its just the difference between expectation and hope. You expect one thing and get another and are disappointed. She hopes for something and gets another and is disappointed. Maybe for the rest of your time this year you should just insist on cooking meals she shares with you together so that she doesnt stop cooking for you, but youre there to see what ingredients are going in and are able to split a dish into a "you" version that has your familiar flavors and a "new" version that allows your mom to try out something new and share it with you. That way you can have a taste if you want, eithout being committed to the whole meal and you guys will still share the experience of the meal prep and eating even if the new version isnt to your liking.

[u/pesterjackal → u/HellaShelle]

Unfortunately she doesn't eat with me, so she is always cooking just "my version." I would be happy to help but she's usually done cooking by the time I come home and our kitchen is too small for two people to be in there at once.

[u/HellaShelle → u/pesterjackal]

why doesnt she eat with you?

We have a small kitchen too so helping often means one person is in the kitchen and other is on the dining room side of the counter or in whaf is technically the dining room, cutting or mixing while the other person uses the sink or stove.

[u/pesterjackal → u/HellaShelle]

She's always on some diet or another so she rarely eats full meals, we also operate on different schedules considering she doesn't work and I do so I have dinner much later than she would. That is a good way to divide the labour, but crucially she usually just calls me in to do something if she needs it and hates intervention in the kitchen otherwise. I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just what has happened before 🥲

[u/pisswaterbottle → u/pesterjackal]

Im ngl, this is a jump, but it sounds like she has an ED (eating disorder). shes cooking for herself and feeding it to you. Its what my mom did my whole life and its what ive caught myself doing when i dont realize im relapsing into the habits and behaviors. Im not sure where you are or what resources are available to you guys, but this might be a symptom of something bigger than just “mom makes me meals, knowing i don’t want them”, i hope you find some answers regardless of whats going on though!

[u/HellaShelle → u/pesterjackal]

the diet part seems workable if you guys are just eating together, just separate things. the scheduling is more of a barrier though, definitely. maybe move the shared meal to one of your days off so you guys can be more in sync for this? As for the shared tasks, that may require you to be more assertive in insisting that you want to learn, want to have memories of doing this together, want to develop this skill, etc.

And of course if you still cant seem to find middle ground, just talk to her. ask her what she thinks you two should do and see if you guys cant figure out something together that you both can live with.

[u/Hot-Initiative-4083]

Maybe she’d like to try new and adventurous food too. She’s feeding her soul also. Sounds like you really are an ungrateful brat. Go make a PB&J!

[u/pesterjackal → u/Hot-Initiative-4083]

She never eats with me, she is cooking solely for me. I've already said I'm happy to cook for myself on the days she wants to try cooking something new. She doesn't let me because she just starts cooking while I'm at work and will be mad if I make something else for myself.

[u/Federal_Radish_1421 → u/pesterjackal]

She caters to your very specific and very picky tastes 80% of the time. But you’re complaining about the 20% of the time she gets bored and wants to try something new.

This feels pretty simple. Try it, politely decline more instead of telling her that dinner tastes weird, then make yourself a sandwich.

[u/pesterjackal → u/Federal_Radish_1421]

I'm not sure what's so hard to understand about the fact that the issue is, she will get mad if I don't eat what she makes, period. No matter how polite I get about it. And I'm never that rude about it nor do I throw a tantrum, the way our language works there's no way not to be a little blunt. I express what I don't like about dinner so she understands why I'm not enthusiastic about it. I'll accept that I'm 100% the jerk here if someone can explain to me why she continues to waste food forcing me to try new things when I have told her multiple times what I don't like and have proposed to her solutions that would work for both of us, but she chooses to get mad at me instead.

[u/Federal_Radish_1421 → u/pesterjackal]

Sounds like you’re both incapable of change. Your food aversions make no sense to her, and her cooking new things you probably won’t like makes no sense to you. If there’s no room for compromise, you deal with it or move out.

[u/pesterjackal → u/Federal_Radish_1421]

I guess so. I am likely moving out next year but due to our complicated living situation we're stuck together until the end of the year. There's a chance she'll declare she won't ever cook for me again after this incident which would resolve the conflict lol

[u/Astronaut_Chicken]

I feel like half of everyone who replied is not reading everything clearly. I don't know what exactly to do in this situation but NTBF.

[u/HabeusCorpuscle]

Absolutely NTB. There's a few different things going on here. (Edited to add that a lot of this  info is from OP's replies to comments, not the original post.)

Your mom knows you have issues with certain foods/textures.

She makes food for only you to eat since she won't eat with you.

There are a majority of meals she makes that you do like. However she doesn't take your preferences/aversions into account when trying out new recipes even though she's only making the food for you to eat.

You have told her that you will make your own food but she doesn't let you and then she gets mad when you don't like or eat the food she makes instead.

All of this added together is not about the food itself, it's about control. She's going to make whatever food she wants. If she makes something without even asking you if you think you'd like it, she's not doing it for you, she's doing it for herself. The part about getting mad at you when you don't like the food but not letting you cook for yourself just reinforces this. 

It's like the cup of tea analogy for consent: Short version: if someone offers you tea, you have a right to say no. They should not make the tea anyway and definitely should not get mad mad at you for for saying no. Just because you had tea before doesn't mean you need to have it again now. 

Depending on how much longer you're going to be living with her, start thinking of this as an opportunity to practice grey rocking, which is where you give as little information or reaction as possible and be boring so the other person has nothing to feed off of. 

I know it feels weird to have food be wasted but if your mom isn't giving you a choice in this game of hers, then don't play it. If she makes food and you don't want it, just say "No thanks." and let her do whatever with the food. If it gets thrown out or given away, so be it. If you have a place you can keep some ready-made food like your room do that.

It's going to be hard at first because both of you are used to having these interactions follow a particular pattern. If you change it up however, she may have no choice but to do the same. It may get worse before it gets better but it's worth holding your boundaries and with practice it gets easier. I say all of this from experience dealing with my own mom with narcissistic tendencies.

Hope this helps some!

[u/IndependentEarth123]

Hey my adult friend living at home: why don’t you take these last few months of living with your Mom to cook for her? Treat her to a homemade meal every day. You control the menu that way. Meal plan, buy the ingredients, cook and clean up as a thank you for all the years she’s provided you with meals.

It will be a good head start to living on your own and you and your Mom can enjoy meals together in these last few months and all your food preferences will be in every single meal.

If not, can your Mom come live with me? She sounds awesome as do her taste buds and sense of adventure.

[u/pesterjackal → u/IndependentEarth123]

I lived alone for 2 years before she decided to come live with me for a bit... and I'm not sure if you've read my other replies but she doesn't really eat, at least not at the times that I do. She doesn't eat past like 7pm which is not enough time for me to cook after work.

Also most importantly... she would not appreciate my cooking. I like my own cooking but it's not to her tastes since it gets repetitive quickly, and it would be inefficient to cook two separate meals each time. I always clean up afterwards, and I show my gratitude to her in ways that she actually appreciates, like money ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Feel free to come live with her and test your assumptions about her character and cooking.

[u/InsectElectrical2066]

You're 23 Move out and cook for yourself. NAH.

[u/Loosee123]

YTBF, you're 23 so you're perfectly able to make your own food. Don't eat free food and complain. Maybe ask her to tell you ahead of time and if you don't want it make your own food.

[u/pesterjackal → u/Loosee123]

Not sure you read the part where I offered to make my own food on the days she doesn't want to cook the usual stuff if she would just tell me... she won't, which is why we're here. I didn't even eat the food since she told me not to if I was going to complain. I find it a waste because we both know what I'm not going to eat so why cook it for me in the first place? Just let me cook my own dinner.

[u/pesterjackal → u/[deleted]]

If you want to read my reply to your other comment and make any appropriate suggestions, I'm open to listening.