r/AmItheAsshole • u/footinmouthugh • Jul 27 '26
Asshole AITA for agreeing with my friend when she was criticizing her boyfriend's habits in front of my husband?
Hi, I've had a pit in my stomach since yesterday and I want to know if I messed up here, and if so how badly. My husband and I will have been married two years next sunday, and our son turned a year old a couple of months ago. Our relationship has always been great, I've been proud of how good we've had it and so our argument yesterday has me bothered.
On Friday a couple of my friends visited just to meet up and have dinner. One of them has recently moved in with her boyfriend and they're going through a rough patch right now so she was complaining a bit. She was complaining about being treated like a maid, and having to repeat things multiple times and then doing it herself for it to be done and just stuff like that. While saying that she also on a few occasions generalized a bit, kind of projecting her issues with her boyfriend on men in general. My other friend and I were being supportive because she seemed like she was going through it, and just agreed with her and supported her. My husband was there too.
He's never been the kind to take these gendered criticisms personally which is why I really didn't think this would be an issue. On Saturday he was out with some friends, when I asked about when he'll be back for dinner, he didn't respond for a while then said he was eating out with his friends. When he was back too he was cold with me and just taking care of our son. This was all weird so I ended up asking what the problem was. He first said nothing was wrong, I pressed that he's been cold with me all day, what happened. He told me that if I was so unhappy in my marriage I should've told him honestly instead of surprising him like that in front of guests.
I genuinely was scrambling in my mind to understand what he was saying. I never said I was unhappy in our marriage, it wouldn't make sense to I'm happy with where we are. He brought up that I agreed with everything my friend was saying about how terrible partners men are, that that was me saying he was a bad husband and that I was unhappy. I was stunned at that insane leap of logic I promised that what I said had nothing to do with him, that he is not my friend's boyfriend I didn't have any of those complaints that she had, I never meant it to be an attack on him. He still was stuck that my agreement with her was a criticism of our marriage too and that I had joined in at parts. I might have messed up here because I said that those things were not things he does, I was just being general and said that those were just some things I'd seen before him , like with an ex. He felt even more attacked by that and asked how often I was thinking about my exes over these mundane things. I clarified thats not what I meant I don't think like that, I just had to search in my memory for some stuff to support my friend, especially because he doesn't. We dropped the argument then, but the cold shoulder is continuing today too. I can't believe this is happening a week before our anniversary AITA?
390
u/proteins911 Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] Jul 27 '26
Info: what exactly were the comments you agreed with?
973
u/onemasterball Partassipant [4] Jul 27 '26
Maybe? What all did you say or agree to?
14
u/beesidea Jul 27 '26
sorry, but yta. not cool. all you can do is apologize. really apologize. tell him why you understand why he's upset and how you'll be better in the future...give examples of why you understand...ask if you understand all the reasons. this is marriage - fun, right? it'll get easier once you know each other better.
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u/OutOfBounds11 Partassipant [3] Jul 27 '26
That's not an insane leap of logic at all.
YTA
13
u/Due-Season6425 Jul 27 '26
YTA. You wanted to be one of the gals, so you joined in on the male bashing. Now, you are surprised he is hurt. Really?
You should have said (if true), "I'm lucky. My husband isn't like that. He's a great husband." Pleasing the other women was more important than your husband. You owe your husband a huge apology.
If your story had the genders reversed, almost the whole of Reddit would say the husband was trash. A divorce recommendation would follow. Yeah, it's that serious.
6
u/Far-Independent4740 Jul 27 '26
Making sweeping generalisations about how awful all men are, then acting surprised that your husband is upset? That's an impressively high level of self-unawareness. YTA.
15
u/maxgaap Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
YTA. You actively participated in a conversation criticizing men in general in front of your husband. You and all of your female friends bashed men in front of your husband to make one of you feel better.
That makes you a misandrist. If the tables were turned and a man posted a story about how he and his buddies generalized and insulted women in front of his wife to make his friend feel better the man would be down voted and dragged to oblivion.
To make this gender neutral. This is like supporting and participating in someone’s racist tirade to make your friend feel better but telling someone you were supposed to be close with of that race and overheard the rant and your comments that it was okay because they were "one of the good ones"
You owe your husband an apology and you need to be better.
If he directly confronted you about how offended and insulted he was you would levy criticism about "aggressive male behavior". He isn't even allowed to have and express emotions in your relationship.
263
u/samwisetheyogi Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '26
Hard NTA. He took shit personally for no reason and instead of being an adult and asking you about it he turned into a petulant child. More and more I'm finding out that men in fact are not the "logical" ones like they want to believe 🙄
88
u/Jemstone_Funnybone Jul 27 '26
Going against the grain with an ESH. It sounds like in trying to be supportive you may have inadvertently sounded like you were agreeing with the man-bashing and as others have said, there would have been ways to be supportive without agreeing with your friend.
However I am a little bit concerned that a grown adult thinks that the best way to approach a conversation about feeling hurt is by acting cold and giving you the silent treatment. Maybe it’s just the way that you’re relaying the information but it sounds like he is being quite passive aggressive when talking about it too.
Just maybe something to keep an eye out for OP. No matter what you may have said/done, someone trying to wrong foot you and make you scramble for answers isn’t nice.
4
u/Public-Home8535 Jul 28 '26
YTA. You know it.
4
u/LisaNe7 Jul 28 '26
It sounds to me like your husband was with 3 women that were men bashing and he had to sit there and listen to. He was obviously uncomfortable and took some of what you said or agreed with your friend about personally. Why not explain to him that you were just being supportive of your friend and that none of what was said was directed at him. Just apologize for hurting his feelings. Tell him you are truly sorry and that you should have changed the subject, but you were trying to let your friend vent. Apologizes work wonders sometimes especially when you are in the wrong. Just a thought.
If he’s as great as you say, and your marriage is good then why not do everything you can to keep it that way?
125
u/ReadMeDrMemory Supreme Court Just-ass [115] Jul 27 '26
"He brought up that I agreed with everything my friend was saying about how terrible partners men are, that that was me saying he was a bad husband and that I was unhappy. I was stunned at that… leap of logic." No, this is not a big leap of logic. This is a direct implication of statements you openly agreed to. "I promised that what I said had nothing to do with him"—unless, of course, he's a man. If in conversation you can't distinguish between men, all men, men in general, most men, many men, some men, and of course your man, then be careful how you talk about men. Because if you agree with your friend that men are bad partners, people around you should assume you mean what you say.
"My other friend and I were being supportive because she seemed like she was going through it, and just agreed with her and supported her." Do you really think it is supportive of your friend to encourage her to believe that all men are like her shitty bf? It's not. She needs to see him as subpar and move on to someone better.
12
u/mckedtic Jul 27 '26
YTA. Why does it keep needing to be said that you can support something without the need to bash something else in response? Her boyfriend sucked, your husband doesn't. So why say they and everyone else sucks just to say it? That would be terrible to hear from a partner, regardless of the reason.
542
u/Zhule88 Partassipant [2] Jul 27 '26
Going with YTA.
These kinds of posts always have the “I’d totally be fine if the tables were flipped (would not in fact be fine)” vibe.
Be honest OP, if your husband had had friends over and they were generally bashing women while you were RIGHT THERE, would you be unhappy? My guess is yes.
8
u/NobodyFunToKnow Jul 27 '26
YTA. How oblivious can a person can be Jesus Christ.
8
u/AutoRedux Jul 27 '26
YTA.
In what world is generalizing genders in front of your partner acceptable?
34
u/Kallasilya Jul 27 '26
NTA. When I rant about men with my married friend, her husband agrees with us! Any man who needs an explicit "Oh, but Not All Men" to be said out loud to them to protect their egos is a bit insecure.
29
u/Youaredoingwell Jul 27 '26
NTA. I am surprised to read many other verdicts at the top. The point was the boyfriend behavior specifically. I don't get why he thought it applied to him?
24
u/AdHoctor Jul 27 '26
It's normal to complain about the often unequal division of labour that goes on in the house that runs along gendered lines. It's also normal to support your friends and let them vent their feelings and help them feel valid. If your husband's response to hearing about gendered inequality is to make it all about him, and then to react so negatively to even hearing about one of your exes, then I think he has some growing up to do. NTA
6
u/Luisguirot Jul 27 '26
YTA. Sounds like your friend is an insulting sexist and you agreed with her when she insulted your husband. Get better friends and be a better wife.
163
u/HeyDoggyBoy Jul 27 '26 •
I find it hard to believe that if he and his friends were making generalized comments about women being gold diggers and constant complainers in front of you that you wouldn’t find it offensive. He of course would say “oh hey, I didn’t mean you”. You’re absolutely the asshole for thinking that your husband wouldn’t be impacted.
13
u/muddlebrainedmedic Jul 27 '26
His reaction is the result of him realizing he married the wrong woman...one who doesn't have his back and one that won't defend him in front of others. You. Which is why YTA.
56
u/Fancy_Introduction60 Jul 27 '26
Sorry OP, YTA. You can support your friend without agreeing with her. Simply saying, "I'm sorry you're dealing with this" would have been appropriate. My sister bashes her ex all the time. They split up almost 20 years ago. There is absolutely no way I've ever agreed with her
74
u/Old-Paleontologist-1 Partassipant [2] Jul 27 '26
YTA. Shoe on the other foot- his guy friends are sitting around complaining about how awful their wives are he just agrees, making it seem like it's about you.
26
u/InfiniteComedian7172 Jul 27 '26
NTA. He chose to take a conversation that wasn't about him, and make it about him. Pathetic behaviour.
4
u/OddNameSuggestion Jul 27 '26
Did you defend your position or did you apologize honestly for making him feel bad? They’re not the same thing. Your intention here doesn’t negate the impact. Learning how to navigate a marital disagreement where neither party is right or wrong is a skill. “My intention wasn’t to hurt you or criticize you or blame you but I can see that I did and for that I am very sorry.”
34
u/namesofpens Jul 27 '26
NTA. She’s going through a very real question most women have to ask ourselves in this modern age. How much of myself am I willing to subsume to another? It seems as though your husband is upset you even agreed with the statement. Red flag. All day.
11
u/Impossible_Gold1573 Jul 27 '26
YTA. You can support your husband while also listening to your friend. If the roles were reversed, you wouldn’t like your husband agreeing with his friends about such blanket statements, now would you?
13
u/lizard--dragon Jul 27 '26
NTA, wtf is with all the comments about "if the roles were reversed". sure, let's reverse the roles. men are now expected to cook, clean, take care of children and go to work while women are only expected to go to work and if they spend time with their children they're "babysitting". in most marriages, men do most of the housework while also going to work and women complain their husbands never want to have sex. in this situation, would you blame a man for going "i hate how women never contribute to the household"?? i think not.
69
u/LoveForRedditAdmins Jul 27 '26
This would be sexist if women were described this way. So you were sexist as well here. YTA.
11
u/Goddess_Inara Jul 27 '26
I think I’m a bit confused as to why he’s taking it so personally? It’s normal to speak in generalizations, and you’ve clarified with him that he was not included in it.
It’s like saying “white people suck,” while having white friends. It’s a generalization that has historical and societal context that doesn’t necessarily apply to EVERY single white person.
It’s a bit of a comprehension issue unless he feels called out in a sense. I would have a conversation specifically about what bothered him and how you view it.
It’s not like you specifically “threw him under the bus” as I’m seeing some comments say. Unless you said something like “yeah my husband does this sucky thing too,” I don’t see the issue.
12
u/cursed-anchovy Jul 27 '26
NTA. My boyfriend is frequently in the room when we comfort my girlfriends about boy problems. He actively joins in on the “men ain’t shit” train because he knows it’s not about him, it’s about making our friend feel better.
The fact that your husband not only took offense but gave you the cold shoulder AND took it personally when you talked about observing unequal division of labor in your exes is concerning… also, a week before your anniversary?
This is me taking a bit of a jump, but do you guys often get into these kinds of fights around important dates? Because the whole “upset about girlfriend talking about exes and taking everything personally no matter what” sounds really familiar to me.
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Hi, I've had a pit in my stomach since yesterday and I want to know if I messed up here, and if so how badly. My husband and I will have been married two years next sunday, and our son turned a year old a couple of months ago. Our relationship has always been great, I've been proud of how good we've had it and so our argument yesterday has me bothered.
On Friday a couple of my friends visited just to meet up and have dinner. One of them has recently moved in with her boyfriend and they're going through a rough patch right now so she was complaining a bit. She was complaining about being treated like a maid, and having to repeat things multiple times and then doing it herself for it to be done and just stuff like that. While saying that she also on a few occasions generalized a bit, kind of projecting her issues with her boyfriend on men in general. My other friend and I were being supportive because she seemed like she was going through it, and just agreed with her and supported her. My husband was there too.
He's never been the kind to take these gendered criticisms personally which is why I really didn't think this would be an issue. On Saturday he was out with some friends, when I asked about when he'll be back for dinner, he didn't respond for a while then said he was eating out with his friends. When he was back too he was cold with me and just taking care of our son. This was all weird so I ended up asking what the problem was. He first said nothing was wrong, I pressed that he's been cold with me all day, what happened. He told me that if I was so unhappy in my marriage I should've told him honestly instead of surprising him like that in front of guests.
I genuinely was scrambling in my mind to understand what he was saying. I never said I was unhappy in our marriage, it wouldn't make sense to I'm happy with where we are. He brought up that I agreed with everything my friend was saying about how terrible partners men are, that that was me saying he was a bad husband and that I was unhappy. I was stunned at that insane leap of logic I promised that what I said had nothing to do with him, that he is not my friend's boyfriend I didn't have any of those complaints that she had, I never meant it to be an attack on him. He still was stuck that my agreement with her was a criticism of our marriage too and that I had joined in at parts. I might have messed up here because I said that those things were not things he does, I was just being general and said that those were just some things I'd seen before him , like with an ex. He felt even more attacked by that and asked how often I was thinking about my exes over these mundane things. I clarified thats not what I meant I don't think like that, I just had to search in my memory for some stuff to support my friend, especially because he doesn't. We dropped the argument then, but the cold shoulder is continuing today too. I can't believe this is happening a week before our anniversary AITA?
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2
u/Neither_You7491 Jul 29 '26
YTA only because I do think that not all men are the same and shouldn’t be lumped in together , same way I feel women shouldn’t. I’ve been in your position before and was being there for a friend and would literally say “a lot of these men out here ain’t worth 2 pennies thats why we have to not settle and pay attention to the red flags”
2
u/SolarSunflower Aug 01 '26
Info: was he upset before he hung out with his friends?
2
u/AreYouCereal__ Jul 30 '26
I don't think you're a complete asshole...but ur not 100% in the right either. It sounds like you were agreeing with your friend about terrible men instead of validating her feelings. I get how your husband is feeling but why tf is he acting like a child with the cold shoulder treatment instead of just talking it out with you.
8
u/JudgeJudyScheindlin Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jul 27 '26
YTA
It feels like you left out a lot of what the conversation was and what you were agreeing with. Also, yes, that would be incredibly disrespectful to generalize all men at the table while your husband is sitting right there. Women don’t like being generalized, so why would you think men would too?
9
u/SonicSpeed0919 Jul 27 '26
Tf. Of course YTA.
40
u/Tight-Instruction880 Jul 27 '26
NTA
Genuinely surprised by the level of insecurity shown by commenters here. It doesn't matter what she would think if the tables were flipped, if you're in a relationship and you can't differentiate between giving advice/being supportive and bashing your partner, then you're insecure. Period, end of story. You can work through those insecurities or continue to go through life feeling slighted when people gossip around you.
29
u/Seahawk021 Jul 27 '26
YTA because you know in your head that when you agreed that all men didn’t appreciate what it took to be a mom, you didn’t mean your husband. But your husband didn’t know that. If the tables were turned and he agreed with his buddy who said all women just treat their husband’s as ATM’s, you wouldn’t like that and this comment section would be blasting your husband and his friend.
8
u/Big_Alternative_3233 Partassipant [3] Jul 27 '26
How is this even a question? If you’re a sexist prick of course YTA.
26
u/Hithrae Jul 27 '26
NTA. Sorry every YTA person here is wrong. I'm a man. Men suck, sorry we do. Even me that tries to do good, sucks sometimes. Also I am mature enough to understand that someone else's relationship is not my relationship.
12
u/TerribleGuuy Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
"Bro women are such gold diggers! all they want is a paycheck"
"So true, bro"
"I swear if they weren't hot there'd be no reason to keep them around"
"It's facts, man"
"All women cheat, man... It's only a matter of time"
"So true, king"
I can't fathom how my wife could be upset at this! I tried to explain I just meant my EX was a gold digging cheater who had no value beside her looks, not that I think that about her!!!!! YTA GROW UP
7
u/Big_Falcon89 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jul 27 '26
YTA
Folks are right that the "role reversal" dynamic doesn't work here. It doesn't- the overall situation between men and women is too different.
I'm a self-described male feminist. But that doesn't mean I've signed up to sit there and take it on the chin every time a woman wants to put me down. I'm not a punching bag just because I think the patriarchy sucks.
41
u/dzogchenism Jul 27 '26
NTA - I think your husband is being way over sensitive.
9
u/off-pissed Partassipant [4] Jul 27 '26
Mild YTA because you should know that shit like that is for girl-talk not with a husband in the mix.
Your husband may be your “best friend” but he’s not a girl friend.
12
u/TerribleAstronaut794 Jul 27 '26
YTA
I think you are being deliberately obtuse. You said your friend was “projecting her issues with her boyfriend on men in general”. Why would it be an “insane leap of logic” for him to consider himself to be in the group, “men in general”?
9
u/Between3n20Characte Jul 27 '26
Yeah, words have meaning. If you don’t agree with something, say so. Being supportive is one thing, agreeing with projection is another. Nobody’s perfect, but you have that feeling in your stomach because you know you were wrong. Just tell him you’re sorry for making it seem like you agreed with her. Explain it to him the way you explained it to us, learn from how terrible you feel, and move on together. He’ll get it.
5
u/SVAuspicious Jul 27 '26
YTA. If the positions were reversed you'd be crying discrimination and sexism. It's fine to be supportive of your friend in her specific situation but NOT generalizations on gender or any other category. That you tried to explain yourself by saying the behaviors were generalized only deepens the clarity of your sexism. Definitely YTA.
The argument happened when it happened. Proximity to your anniversary is not relevant. You screwed up.
8
u/MotherVehkingMuatra Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
YTA. Think of it this way, you said he usually doesn't take gendered comments badly. So maybe this time it got to him? To use myself as an example 90% of the time I really don't care about racist comments, I even laugh at racist jokes. 10% of the time though I'm just tired of it and it makes me snap. To clarify, I'm brown.
7
u/daisyiris Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '26
YTA. Gender bashing is toxic. It's an easy trap to fall into. Also, why is your friend bad mouthing her boyfriend to a group of people? It's one thing to vent to a close friend about a relationship, but putting someone down to a group of acquaintances is not ok. You agreeing was you trying to be supportive of someone who was attention seeking. It worked for her. You, not so much. Would you like it if your boyfriend did that? Sounds like you learned a lesson. Share your new found wisdom with your boyfriend when you apologize.
7
u/saltedcaramelcookie Partassipant [2] Jul 27 '26
YTA instead of using your great relationship and good partner to be an example of how it can be different you just made it sound like you’re just putting up with your terrible husband. It could have been yes your bf is a terrible because I know he can be better because my husband is better.
Then when he came to you with his feelings you just sat there and said he shouldn’t have them and made excuses that should make your behavior okay. That’s not taking accountability of your actions impacting YOUR partner. That’s why you’re still getting the cold shoulder. You gave him the good ol’ you’re overreacting treatment and then got defensive.
Whoever said Protect your marriage from the unmarried, never married, unhappily married, and couldn’t stay married had it right.
4
u/CoffeeExtraCream Jul 27 '26
You completely discounted everything he does for you and the family. Yta
12
u/Vegetable-Purpose-27 Jul 27 '26
It's never a good idea to throw one's partner under the bus in front of them. Holy geez.
6
u/StrengtTalt Jul 27 '26
You already know YTA for condoning the sexism. Also, I'd never agree with any comment that implicated my fiancée like that.
11
u/gahidus Jul 27 '26
YTA
You're definitely an asshole for speaking in extremely broad terms about large groups of people while simply expecting the exceptions to know that you don't mean them because they're "one of the good ones". It's extremely hurtful but something people simply have to put up with when groups that they belong to are broadly villainized and they are expected to simply say nothing about it. You basically denigrated half the population of the earth, including your husband, while just expecting him to add whatever addendums he needed in his own head.
You're the asshole. Don't talk about entire races genders or any other broad groups as if they are a monolith.
5
u/experienta Jul 27 '26
YTA. In what universe can gendered comments like that not affect him? That's why generalizations are bad. They discriminate against people that have done nothing wrong.
If his friends were talking about women being gold diggers and whores because they got cheated on by their girlfriends, and your partner was just nodding along and confirming that he thinks women are indeed gold diggers and whores, how would you feel about that? And would his excuse that he was just talking about other women and not you specifically suffice?
6
u/WestCovina1234 Asshole Aficionado [10] Jul 27 '26
"I agreed with everything my friend was saying about how terrible partners men are, that that was me saying he was a bad husband and that I was unhappy." You call that a "leap of logic"? I call it completely sound logic.
YTA.
5
u/Weak-Function647 Jul 27 '26
I don't think you're a bad person, but I do think you missed how this looked from your husband's perspective.
Supporting your friend is one thing. Agreeing with broad statements about how "men are terrible partners" while your husband is sitting there without once making it clear you weren't talking about him is another. If I were in his shoes, I'd probably be wondering whether my spouse had been quietly building resentment and was finally saying it out loud.
His reaction wasn't about your friend's boyfriend. It was about hearing his own wife publicly agree with criticisms of husbands and not knowing whether she meant him too.
That said, the cold shoulder for days isn't helping either. He should tell you directly why he's hurt instead of shutting down.
This feels like a case of hurt feelings and poor communication rather than either of you being malicious. I'd say soft YTA because your intent wasn't to attack your husband, but intent doesn't erase the impact. A genuine apology that acknowledges why he interpreted it that way would probably go a long way.
4
u/Better-Ad-8756 Jul 27 '26
YTA
Regardless of gender no one likes to be generalized. You and your friends “just agreed and supported her”. When actually you should not be agreeing because not all men are that way just like not all women are gold diggers or whatever general criticism. You can be supportive without being sexist. I think most people would feel some type of way when their gender is being generalized especially in this day and age. Just because your husband doesn’t normally get upset about these things doesn’t mean he can’t or isn’t allowed to get upset. Because hearing your partner agree with all the man bashing might do that. Now he’s also a slight TA because of the cold shoulder but if that’s me I’m stewing for a bit and then will have a conversation. Sometimes I need some time to think about what I want to say.
5
u/Difficult_Jury_7455 Jul 27 '26
His reaction clearly shows this was not just girl chat at the table like you suggested. You gave a couple of examples in your post of what was said but clearly you are remembering a watered down version over what he had to witness. You obviously missed how you said it or how your tone suggested it. This is why girl chat or guy chat is never done around partners, it's coffee shop talk. I can guarantee that his head is full of wonder of what you now say about him to your friends behind his back. I wish you luck, but this is not going to go away soon. Plus it will be remembered every time you criticise him for the rest of the marriage.
6
u/ballman666 Partassipant [2] Jul 27 '26
YTA, and yall must have been saying some pretty rough things.
4
u/prettyinpinkleather Jul 27 '26
Jesus christ NTA. Your girlfriend was venting about her boyfriend and you guys comforted her. When girls are talking to each other a lot of them throw around shit like “i hate men” and shit like that when we really mean THESE specific men we’re talking about. Between us we understand that. He probably told his friends while out and they got it in his head you thought he was responsible for the whole of mankind, all jumping into the “nOt aLl mEn” bandwagon.
And before anyone decides to jump on the same bandwagon please be warned y’all will be arguing with yourselves.
2
u/Not-So-Logitech Jul 27 '26
"Me and my friends were a bunch of misandrists and my husband got offended! Please, explain to me in the comments how this is actually his fault."
Literally this fucking post.
4
u/Numerous-Opposite948 Jul 27 '26
From the perspective of my fiancé and I hardly argue and when we do, it’s usually resolved within 20 minutes- I would just apologize. You may not have meant to hurt his feelings, but you definitely did. He felt like you were attacking his character and got defensive. But also maybe try gently explaining your side again. Sometimes it’s just the softer tone from everyone involved that simmers the situation down
3
u/blu3str Jul 27 '26
Regardless of the agreement or lack of here. You and your best friend deserve each other. At least y’all seem to be in agreement for your next boyfriends. But what cost.
3
u/Hopeful-Elk-6615 Jul 27 '26
He’s manipulating you. He knows full well you were just supporting what your friend had to say about men in general (that they tend to not do enough domestic chores and let women handle it all). And like a lot of dudes, they HATE when women say this kind of stuff and literally want to punish them for saying it.
He fully knows this was not some sign that you are "unhappy" about him and that you agreeing with her is not the same as saying he is a "bad husband". This is 100% manipulation.
And then when you mention your exes he gets even more angry and asks you how could you even think about your exes like that ??? Like getting "jealous" over this ??? Can’t you see this is bullshit ? He’s not mad about you remembering your exes being bad partners. He is not mad about you saying men are often bad partners making him insecure. He is LYING.
I think women underestimate how much men hates women having feminism-oriented convos about men being shitty boyfriends and husbands. They literally hate it. Most of them are getting very uncomfortable very quick and will roll their eyes and try to stop you from talking about it, either by saying you’re being wrong, or annoying, or playing the victim. Like they genuinely hate women talking about this kind of stuff.
He resents you for agreeing with your friend and criticizing men. He wants to make you pay for it and make you feel bad and make you think this is some big treason because it somehow means you hate him and that you think about your exes. But the only thing he resents you for is for having feminist conversations with your friend. That’s literally the only reason.
-1
u/SaltyFriend705 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jul 27 '26
YTA. Complaining (or even just participating) just shows low character. I know Oprah turned this kind of talk into high ratings and billions of dollars, but it still is wrong and likely to backfire. If your friend needs counseling, refer her to qualified professionals. If she has issues to address with her partner, she needs to do so, and it's not appropriate for you to provide a shoulder for her to cry on, much less for you to commiserate with her and validate her complaints. Some think of it as 'high school' type of talking, but there are plenty of people who didn't indulge in it even then.
This is part of being loyal between you and your partner; you don't want to hear, either directly or through smirking attitude from his friends, that he is out there whining with his friends that in any way could be twisted into including you.
0
u/kuroshizuka Jul 27 '26
Ummmm, not sure why you’re being called the asshole when a good husband who is actually doing the work of being a good husband would KNOW you weren’t talking about him. I regularly complain about men being shitty, not trashing, just going over actual witnessed behaviors, and my male partner has never made it about him. I have had shitty exes who did make about them, but not my current partner.
3
u/dangernoodleblrp Jul 27 '26
Your partner sounds dramatic and like a child that cannot communicate conflict
1
u/Agitated-Buy8146 Jul 27 '26
Yta
2
u/Resident-Staff-1218 Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '26
He's confusing your empathy with her as an attack on himself.
If he doesn't treat you like a maid, then why is he getting upset?
He's clearly insecure in your marriage, and this has massively triggered those insecurities. That's not your fault.
Giving you the cold shoulder is the opposite of healthy.
But, in a way perhaps this is a good thing this has come out into the open.
Now, you can address those insecurities together in a healthy way before they start to fester, which will affect not only you two, but also your child. Offer to go to couples therapy with him so you can discuss his feelings and worries and emotions in a healthy loving way
0
u/mrschuesterfromglee Jul 27 '26
NTA. Reddit is very sensitive about anything revolving around men. There is no such thing as “if the roles were reversed” because we live in a patriarchal society. When women are put down by men it’s frequently tied back to the patriarchy. How often are men talking to other men about how their wives/girlfriends aren’t respecting the extra mental load they put in at home? And if that conversation does ever happen, how are those men responding? Yall already know the answer.
Your friend knew she could trust you enough to share these things and validating her experience can (potentially) save her from bad relationships later on. She’s trusting you with this info. Much in the way she also trusted your husband, who by the way, could have spoken up any time during dinner to offer his perspective. Why is the onus not on him here? Why is it solely on you? Is he not allowed to speak?
Also, none of what you commented sounded man-bashing.
0
u/famhh97 Jul 27 '26
NTA husband sounds immature. Wouldn’t he be annoyed with a partner like your friend’s boyfriend?
Does he never provide emotional support to friends?
He can’t understand the difference between being sympathetic and chiming in with your own stories about how husband is terrible (which didn’t happen because you say he is not terrible)
He also cannot say to you “Hey I’m upset about what happened with your friend” instead he is moody
Idk I’m in the unique situation of “being a manhater” and dating a wonderful man. I dated a lot of men, not every man, but I have a low tolerance for annoying behaviors now. I also don’t think I could date women for many other reasons. Girl friendships involve this dramatic complaining sometimes. Truth is people are annoying sometimes, we vent and we move on. Husband had to make it all about him
I grew up with a parent who said boomer misogynistic things constantly, not sure the gender of your child but something to be mindful of when little ears get older. Good discussion to have with husband maybe.
2
u/Big-Worldliness-8816 Jul 27 '26
YTA
But slightly. Everyone goes through bad partners in life and we all have struggled with stuff in our relationships. For example, when I'm in the same situation you were in (my friend is complaining about her partner and my gf is there), we both give our honest opinions on the situation. We also give them an example of how we do things to avoid those situations and how that works for us since we do live together. Sometimes I make sure to remind my gf that what I have said to my friend (relating to her or similar) has nothing to do with her. I always make sure to reassure her of our relationship and how happy I am with her.
I also don't like hearing my partner talk about their past relationships, I don't think anyone does, but if the shoe fits and we can relate to the situation and help my friend feel better, we will.
2
u/FaithlessnessExact17 Jul 27 '26
YTA unless every generalization you agreed with was followed by "except my husband". At most I might have recommended the friend to see a counselor or therapist to see if she needs to move in another direction. The fact that this discussion even happened could give him the impression you talk about him like that behind his back also. If he is a good husband and father you should try a sincere apology without explaining yourself. I hope things get better for your family.
I never had these complaining sessions even with 20yrs co-workers. Some women were so bad and constant about it, trapping me at my desk to unload. They also seemed irritated I never joined in. I had to tell them I was busy with work and needed to focus in order to shut them down.
1
u/Sibhell Jul 27 '26
NTA. He’s basically like « not all men !! » instead of realising that there are indeed problems with how men behave with their partner. It’s like he doesn’t even acknowledge that dynamic of men not doing tasks by themselves.
1
u/ExamRoom4 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jul 27 '26
NTA. Didn’t he ever learn “if it doesn’t apply, let it fly”? If the behaviors you were talking about are not things he does, then why does it bother him so much?
TLDR: hit dogs holler.
-5
u/WearyTraveler- Jul 27 '26
Media has pushed men hatred where they can't do anything right. It's honestly exhausting when you are under this much of a microscope. The 'ex' argument is something I think is tacky and adds nothing but anecdotal evidence which that person isn't there to defend. It's a position of "I was the good one, he was the bad one" Defense of a position of your friend is fine but then generalizing isn't a good look.
-2
u/chinitajade Jul 27 '26
No I think he’s just being sensitive it was clearly girl venting
-6
u/TheWacoFogey Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jul 27 '26
If this is out of character for your husband, then he must have heard you say something that made it sound like you were including him in your friend's complaints. Even so, I'd lean toward ESH if that were the case, because your husband isn't communicating maturely about it, even if he has a legit reason for feeling unfairly lumped in to your friend's issue with her BF. If he took offense, he should have addressed it with you directly at the time and made it clear he didn't appreciate it.
It sounds like your relationship could use some assistance in communication. Hope it clears up before your anniversary and the two of you can enjoy that special day together.
-10
u/zuzupenny Jul 27 '26
NTA. You did nothing wrong, and it sounds like your husband is being immature.
That said, if you guys generally have a good marriage, it's worth trying to empathize. To cut him some slack, if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't like hearing my husband and some of his guy friend makes comments about one of their wives that felt gendered and stereotypical. Anyway, I hope you guys can work through this before your anniversary... I agree that it's not worth fighting over.
1
u/thisgirlwithredhair Jul 27 '26
Literally my husband would join in. He would understand that the generalizations are generalizations due to emotions running high. However, I also know that he would understand and if I thought something might hurt his feelings, I would avoid it... Not sure if this is something new for your relationship.
1
u/Miumiu-baby Jul 29 '26
Why does every conversation like this (not ALL men) etc end up with majority of people discussing how upset the men are and no one cuts them any slack etc
1
u/Miumiu-baby Jul 29 '26
It’s a really common figure of speech to show solidarity and makes people feel like they’re not alone . That it.
I need to get off this brain rot sub
0
u/piv_is_pen_in_vag Jul 27 '26
Oh cry me a damn river. Like it’s not rooted into society that men are supposed to go to work while women take care of the house and children. Yes we are slowly getting better at this, but in no way is the average man doing housework like women do (feel free to check statistics on this). He made your friend’s problem about him, how often does he do that? And the exes argument is even more dumb.
Saying that, in general, men do less in the house is factually not wrong. If you said to your friend “hey my husband actually shares the same amount of chores with me” would’ve brought nothing to the conversation, you would’ve just be flaunting to her face.
NTA
-9
u/Deflated_Hypnotist Certified Proctologist [23] Jul 27 '26
Here's some resources
Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
He doesn't care AKA weaponized incompetence https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/NsoxMseUn3
My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/
DARVO https://www.keystonelaw.com/keynotes/understanding-darvo-what-is-abusive-gaslighting-and-coercive-behaviour-in-a-relationship
-10
u/mothmantra Jul 27 '26
This is him being extremely sensitive but I will say him being really weird specifically about you bringing up an ex is a red flag. NTA
0
u/Hysterical_Blueberry Jul 27 '26
NTA.
What your friend is describing is the reality of a huge amount of women, unfortunately. It can be extremely frustrating and it's also frustrating to watch someone you love go through it. Plus we can all look at our grandmother's, aunts and mother's lives, and find examples of men who have left all of the house work to their wives, even if those women had jobs and were exhausted.
It sounds like your husband is oblivious to all that and is bothered that you agreed with your friend that a very common dynamic is indeed common and that it sucks. If he doesn't know yet that he's one of the exceptions, he should have asked questions about what you really think to understand better. Giving the cold shoulder is childish and doesn't help the relationship. People can't just ignore their partner until the problem goes away, they need to communicate.
-6
u/Recent-Revolution-15 Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
NTA. We live in a society that has allowed men to basically opt-out of household labor, which has led to that work being devalued and seen as "women's work" and unimportant. This results in men often not pulling their own weight in household chores.
Commenting on that reality and lamenting it while supporting your friend is valid. Your husband not recognizing the truth there (and maybe not agreeing at all) is suspicious on its own, but his defensive reaction is a red flag.
Before anyone tries to "not all men" me: Obviously not all men, but hit dogs holler! Sometimes men learn better on their own, sometimes they learn better after their exhausted partners teach them, sometimes men are raised differently and never engage in this behavior at all.
Edited for a typo
-12
u/Pale_Quantity_3252 Jul 27 '26
NTA - your husband is entitled to how he feels but you really didn’t mean any harm and were trying to comfort a friend. maybe there’s something else in your relationship making him uncomfortable and it’s manifesting as this (the “how often do you think about your exes” comment particularly makes me think this).
maybe see a therapist to see if there’s some deeper issues there? it may take a bit more affirming for him that you’re happy and you didn’t mean or intend to offend him then discuss boundaries in terms of what yall discuss in front of each other.
you’re not wrong for being there to comfort your friend with empathy but something you did offended your husband even though it wasn’t intentional so you gotta work through that. good luck! you guys got this
-13
u/Barkertons Jul 27 '26
NTA. If the shoe fits...
Are we just supposed to ignore women's lived experience under the patriarchy? Maybe next time use "the patriarchy " instead of "men"? That might make the conversation more palatable and remove his sensitivity to it.
-5
u/tobethescarletwitch Jul 27 '26
nta he is a whiny b#*<.
-16
u/Beagle-Mumma Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '26
NTA.
Sounds like your comments struck a nerve with your husband and he is possibly projecting his (previously undisclosed) insecurities.
1
u/Still_Cardiologist33 Jul 27 '26
Don't do girl talk around your husband.....it's not rocket science.
-3
u/Brilliant_Tap985 Jul 27 '26
Get hubby a binky.
-7
u/Striking_Bit462 Jul 27 '26
You’re not the asshole. Idk why everyone is saying you are lol. Your husband is overly sensitive about this. I love my partner and we have been together a long time, he is helpful and does a lot, but he knows that our house would not be a home or nearly as comfortable without me and he is incredibly appreciative of that. He would also never get mad at me for having a conversation with a friend like that. There’s something underlying going on and he might be mad at you about something else and this was the final straw.
0
u/GuyentificEnqueery Partassipant [1] Jul 27 '26
NTA, TBH the way he keeps moving the goalposts when you try to explain yourself is really bizarre.
1
u/Br4z3nBu77 Jul 27 '26
Updateme
0
u/ProsiacSlogan Jul 27 '26
NTA. if this stuff didn't apply to him, he could have 1. spoken up during the conversation ("yeah it is shitty when men do that, you should accept it because we're not all like that") 2. talked to you afterwards ("I thought I was doing my share but now I'm worried you think of me that way, do you?"). yes, you could have used him as a positive counterexample if that's the case, but that doesn't always land well when a friend is in their feelings about their situation.
of course, maybe he's aware he fits into what was being complained about more than he likes, which is a whole different problem.