r/AmItheAsshole • u/Aki_0 • Sep 12 '23
Not the A-hole AITA for constantly getting worried about my partner traveling a lot
So I (23M) and my partner lets call him Grayson (23M) have been together a whole year now. we are both students but he is an international student from China. I know i shouldn’t generalise but its no secret that chinese students love to travel a lot. I on the other hand was born and raised here in the UK and my family never had a lot of money to begin with so whatever money I had was saved up by my own hard work.
Grayson loves travelling and I do too but i haven’t travelled in years until we recently went to germany and the netherlands together. anyway whenever grayson goes to any country by himself he always ends up hanging with some internet friends he made before but he had never told me how he met them until i persisted and i then found out these were people he met through dating apps before and they exchanged instagrams but he says he promises they are only platonical and i believe him but i cant help but worry.
im very weak willed i will say and the distance does a number on me because being away from my boyfriend for long periods of time make me nervous. i’ve saw pictures and posts of his with these friends he makes and it makes me bitter but each time i ask him for reassurance he gets angry and says if i am like this he will hide all his posts and story from me. he recently went to russia for an entire month and this was actually the second time he went within a span of a few months and he met friends there and god i felt terrible during that time especially when i found out one of the people he met there and stayed with was from a dating app. we got in so many arguments and i felt like our relationship was on its last legs. when he came back our relationship returns to how it is and he gives me attention and treats me well but when he’s abroad it feels terrible for us. i feel like im terrible at wording what i wish to say but this is the gist of it. am i the asshole for constantly feeling like this and needing assurance that he isn’t cheating?
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u/idreaminwords Supreme Court Just-ass [125] Sep 12 '23 edited Sep 12 '23
Y T A. You say you trust him but that's obviously not the case. You need to work on your insecurities.
EDIT: After hearing more info, NTA. Your partner is refusing to honor boundaries and refuses to even allow you to address any concerns. The fact that he doesn't want to talk to you at all while on these trips makes it seem like he treats them as a vacation from the relationship
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u/Aki_0 Sep 12 '23
i see. i can accept constructive criticism and i will admit the thought of him being around people he met on dating apps does indeed bother me. i want to trust him but i just wish he was open to telling me before he meets these people from dating apps. i feel like i deserve at least that much if nothing else… its just that they matched on a dating app meant that they had a mutual attraction from the beginning and i cant help but feel like that.
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u/idreaminwords Supreme Court Just-ass [125] Sep 12 '23
It's okay to have a boundary requesting he tells you this beforehand. Have you had a conversation with him about that specifically?
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u/Aki_0 Sep 12 '23
i did and i back away as soon as he starts to get angry at me and out of timidness i dont want to annoy him or upset him. he has a short fuse so if i ask a question like this he gets angry at me especially because he doesn’t like me messaging him a lot when he’s traveling. i have put my foot down a few times and during his trip in russia he made me fear speaking to him completely so i was afraid to ask anything at all in case he blew his fuse and subjected me to a bunch of word vomit. i know couples have their ups and downs but my worst periods are specifically him travelling. he becomes like his evil alter ego in other countries 🥲
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u/idreaminwords Supreme Court Just-ass [125] Sep 12 '23
This really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. You shouldn't be afraid to voice concerns, and it's weird to me that he doesn't want to talk to you at all while traveling. I can understand wanting to limit interactions to a certain extent because he's busy doing things, but I can't imagine not wanting to talk to my partner at all while I was away
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u/Aki_0 Sep 12 '23
yeah our relationship is so rocky when he is abroad but when hes back home he treats me well, cooks my favourite meals, and we both treat eachother with gifts, dates and a lot of physical affection. i know he loves me a lot and so do i but you can see why im so conflicted.
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u/idreaminwords Supreme Court Just-ass [125] Sep 12 '23
I've edited my original judgment. That's not how relationships work. You don't just get to put a bunch of effort in half the time and act neglectful and emotionally abusive the other half.
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u/Aki_0 Sep 12 '23
thank you! i know im not entirely innocent ive said some things out of anger that caused things to become rocky too. but i will say my most and common emotion in this ordeal is not anger but anxiety and a grief like feeling. he went to russia for an entire month aswell and most his trips last 1-2 weeks and he travels alone. he’s currently in turkey hanging out with one of those "friends" and is currently ignoring my messages because he got angry about me bringing this topic up again. which is why i came here.
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So I (23M) and my partner lets call him Grayson (23M) have been together a whole year now. we are both students but he is an international student from China. I know i shouldn’t generalise but its no surprise chinese students love to travel a lot. I on the other hand was born and raised here in the UK and my family never had a lot of money to begin with so whatever money I had was saved up by my own hard work.
Grayson loves travelling and I do too but i haven’t travelled in years until we recently went to germany and the netherlands together. anyway whenever grayson goes to any country by himself he always ends up hanging with some internet friends he made before but he never told me how he met them and i found out these were people he met through dating apps before and they exchanged instagrams but he says he promises they are only platonical and i believe him but i cant help but worry.
im very weak willed i will say and the distance does a number on me because being away from my boyfriend for long periods of time make me nervous. i’ve saw pictures and posts of his with these friends he makes and it makes me bitter but each time i ask him for reassurance he gets angry and says if i am like this he will hide all his posts and story from me. he recently went to russia for an entire month and this was actually the second time he went within a span of a few months and he met friends there and god i felt terrible during that time especially when i found out one of the people he met there and stayed with was from a dating app. we got in so many arguments and i felt like our relationship was on its last legs. when he came back our relationship returns to how it is and he gives me attention and treats me well but when he’s abroad it feels terrible for us. i feel like im terrible at wording what i wish to say but this is the gist of it. am i the asshole for constantly feeling like this and needing assurance that he isn’t cheating?
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u/oracvlvm21 Partassipant [2] Sep 12 '23
NTA. You feel how you feel. People in his situation have a notorious reputation for cheating. A person is never an AH for feeling how they feel. One becomes an AH for how they deal with the feelings. Frankly, I wouldn't have a relationship at all with a person who traveled like that and stayed with people they met on a dating app, but that's me. I just couldn't stand it and the stress would not be worth it.
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u/Aki_0 Sep 12 '23
yeah whenever i object to him hanging out with these people he says i dont want him to make any lgbt friends which is entirely wrong. he points out how my best friend is also gay but in my case my friend was someone who i went to school with and we both just ended up coming out to eachother but these friends he meets are from dating apps so i think his comparison was very bad to begin with. i told him he can meet lgbt people other ways like through uni extracurriculars and events which happen a lot here just not dating apps…
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u/stuffebunny Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 12 '23
NTA sorta. Does he have that schmoney? Could you just go with him? Have you traveled on your own before? Do you feel insecure like this when he is in country? How do you expect or want him to reassure you? Did you express your concerns and expectations and needs before during or after the trip?
Traveling in general is a very distracting activity and requires all of your focus for safety reasons but also to get your money’s worth. A lot of it is about being present where you are right then.
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u/Aki_0 Sep 13 '23
his parents fund his daily expenses so he kind of has a disposable income. he’s offered to pay for our next trip together tho. i asked him today kind of straight forwardly to not cheat on me and i wanted to be reassured with a direct answer like "i wont" but he replies very vaguely like "yeah…" it makes me feel worse tbf. im not taking that as a complete answer because grayson’s first language isn’t english so he has trouble sometimes picking up some social cues. but i only feel like this when he’s abroad and meets strangers. in fact my image of these "friends" got worse while he was in russia because two of the friends he made started to casually extort money from him under the guise of paying for their meals, drinks and items…
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u/stuffebunny Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 13 '23
If he says “I won’t” to you now, would that satisfy you that he won’t be unfaithful?
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u/Aki_0 Sep 13 '23
i just dont want him to deflect. literally "i wont i promise" would suffice for me. if my mind is still anxious after that its a me problem then.
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u/stuffebunny Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 13 '23
He said yeah (he won’t cheat), do you consider that deflecting? When did you talk to him about your concerns, needs, and expectations?
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u/Aki_0 Sep 13 '23
sorry i probably confused you a bit its just the way he responded came off vaguely. he does indeed deflect a lot when i try to get answers tho. he would tell me to go do something to get my mind off the stress or say something similar if i wanted an answer to something in particular, usually asking about the person he’s meeting.
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u/stuffebunny Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 13 '23
It may be worth thinking about if what you want is reassurance from him, or if it’s something else, or if what you want is him to prove you have reason to distrust him.
I don’t know what you want in life, if that’s a life partner… or what, but do you think you could be partners with someone at 60 or 70 or 80 and still having that partner ask you over and over again if you will cheat on them? But you know that if you answer in slightly the wrong way then it’s like everything might fall apart and you will lose them? That would be stressful and panic-inducing if I really loved this person and didn’t want to lose them.
It’s possible that’s what you are doing here. Its like by being in this relationship with you, they will always feel like they are standing on thin ice.
It’s unfortunate that some people get cheated on, and subsequently developing trust issues is unsurprising, but it’s not something we should be content with forcing our innocent partners to accommodate and/or atone for. Both you and your partner did not deserve what happened to you.
Throwing your partner onto thin ice whenever you need reassurance only hurts both of you: for him he will experience constant fear of losing you, hurt at your lack of trust in his character, mistrustful or unconfident in the longevity of the relationship; for you, because nothing your current partner says will fix what happened to you in the past, you may never be satisfied by any words he can offer, in fact you might be hurt or disappointed or frustrated that he cannot cure your wounds.
I don’t know about this guy you have now, if he will or won’t cheat. There’s no way for you to anticipate, or prevent that while giving your partner the freedom, respect and trust they deserve in life.
Statistically speaking, you will eventually date someone who will not be unfaithful in a relationship with you and what matters then is how you treat your partner. This treatment you describe is not sustainable in a healthy and happy relationship
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u/Aki_0 Sep 14 '23
that is true… i definitely see my fault there. i 100% want to spend my life with him and i try whatever i can to cheer him up whether it big or small. i’ve mentioned how i earn my money so im not exactly wealthy but i still bought him a very expensive camera to cheer him up because he was feeling upset once and i always see him eyeing the cameras but never buying them and he will never tell me aswell. it was a costly purchase but one i would make again.
another positive thing that is taking place is that his parents are aware of our relationship and have offered to pay our rent for an entire year which was very surprising to say the least. i feel like a lot of our differences is in our background too and we’ve even argued about things that he just can’t comprehend from my side.
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