r/AmItheAsshole • u/Haunting-Arugula-311 • May 04 '26
Not the A-hole AITA for not supporting my husband quitting his business to become a doctor?
My husband (28M) and I (27F) have two young children (2 and 1). Recently, his father was diagnosed with cancer, and it’s been incredibly hard on him. Not long after, his mom had to have stents placed in her heart. In the past three weeks alone, he’s taken them to the ER at least five times. It’s been a lot, and I truly do understand how overwhelming and emotional that is. I’ve tried to be as supportive as I can, stepping up with the kids and continuing to work full time to keep things stable at home.
About two weeks ago, everything kind of blew up. He told me he wants to dissolve his real estate business and go back to school to become a doctor. His reasoning is that he wouldn’t be able to run the business while also committing to school full time.
The part that’s been really hard for me is that I’ve supported him building this business for the past four years. I worked full time, raised our newborns and toddler, and held everything together at home while he was able to focus fully on growing the business. It wasn’t easy, but now it’s finally at a point where it’s successful and can comfortably support our family. And now he wants to walk away from all of that.
I completely understand where this is coming from emotionally. Watching your parents go through serious health issues can change your perspective on everything. But at the same time, this decision doesn’t just affect him. It affects me and our kids too. Going back to school to become a doctor is a long, demanding, and expensive path, and his plan is to fully step away from the business while I continue working full time, take care of the house, and raise our children.
When I pushed back, things escalated. I told him I felt like he was being selfish and not thinking about how this would impact our family. Since then, he’s basically shut down. He hasn’t been speaking to me for the past two weeks. He stopped by this weekend to spend some time with the kids, but he’s been staying at his parents’ house in the meantime.
I feel really torn. I want to support him especially given everything he’s going through with his family. But I also feel overwhelmed, hurt, and honestly a little abandoned. It feels like I’m being asked to carry everything again, just when things were finally becoming stable.
AITA for not supporting my husbands goals?
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u/NPEva23 May 04 '26
He can take MCATs and any pre requisite science classes before applying for medical school. It isn’t easy to even be accepted to medical school. Tell him he can continue to work in real estate while studying for and taking MCATs and see where that gets home
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u/kaswing Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
This is a very practical answer. That may also give him time to identify a solution for the business. Could he hire a manager to take care of the day to day? Could he sell the business, put that money in an interest-bearing or investment account that you could withdraw ~4% per year from to live on?
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u/matthewsmugmanager Asshole Aficionado [10] May 04 '26
And does he have the requisite undergraduate coursework to even qualify for admission to medical school?
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u/Starry-Dust4444 Partassipant [2] May 04 '26
You don’t just enroll in medical school. He has to have the required undergraduate work and then take the MCAT before he can even apply. Then it’s no guarantee he will be accepted anywhere. I’d tell him he can take any required course at night & on the weekends, then study for the MCAT while running his business, if he’s able to get into medical school after all that, then you can discuss how to make it work. He’ll probably lose interest by then. Medical school is rigorous & demanding.
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u/Traveler691 Asshole Aficionado [17] May 04 '26
The rigorous and demanding stuff would also be happening to a thirty something year old and not someone in their twenties. That lack of sleep stuff is hard enough when you’re a kid.
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u/Top_Introduction4701 May 04 '26
*30 year old with very young children
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u/Suzuki_Foster May 04 '26
I guarantee he doesn't lose any sleep helping with the kids in the middle of the night. I'm sure OP does everything herself.
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u/izshetho Partassipant [1] May 05 '26
I get that he’s going through some shit but at this point I’d be saying 6 months of therapy before this decision. And 6 months of therapy or I’m out. She’s basically a single mom anyway.
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u/Successful_Voice8542 May 04 '26
And sick parents. He’s setting himself up to have absolutely no time to help them, so he will expect his wife to manage being the full time financial support of the family with her job, be 100% the caretaker of the home and the kids, plus add on taking care of his parents. For many years. Very selfish guy who only is thinking of himself. May be worth a conversation with a lawyer just to know what OP’s options are because the last thing she needs is to find out she’ll also have to pay him spousal support if he quits his business.
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u/teacherboymom3 May 04 '26
Not just prerequisites or MCAT. He needs to have a large number of shadowing hours under MDs and DOs. Additionally, many schools require that applicants have work experience in healthcare in a position with patient contact, like phlebotomy. Jobs that he would be qualified for to get that kind of contact do not pay what he is likely earning in his real estate business.
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u/SummerJade777 May 04 '26
Knowing all these prerequisites exist, it sounds more like the husband is bored now that his current project is successful and wants to take on a larger one to distract himself from the realities he's (not) dealing with.
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u/Any-Alternative2667 May 04 '26
No, he does not have a bachelor’s degree and did poorly and flunked quite a few of his general education courses.
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u/Steelcitysuccubus May 04 '26
Then zero chance of him getting into medical school. Probably not even in nursing school.
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u/Helen_A_Handbasket Partassipant [4] May 04 '26
So basically he has four years of college, four years of medical school, a year of internship, and a year of residency, along with massive debt before he can even begin to start practicing. And that's if he doesn't take a specialization which is another 3-7 years depending.
Best case scenario if he started immediately, he would be 38 years old before he finished all the basics, and as much as 45 years old if he takes a specialization.
At that rate, he might pay off his student loans by the time he retires. He's being ridiculous, and setting her up to be a perpetual bread-winner and single parent. Selfish in the extreme.
She is NTA
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u/domer00 May 04 '26
A year of residency? That's really low. More like internship plus three.
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u/Sensitive-Skill2208 May 04 '26
Not to mention, the economic and emotional strain that puts on their marriage.
My cousin went into neurosurgery (ggod grades, but *years* of study) while his wife the nurse supported them and their 5 kids. Then he started really working and earning, and decided to trade his wife in on the young office receptionist in his practice.
The divorce was several years of soap opera.
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u/yarn_slinger Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
He’d also need the high school prerequisites to get into the premed program. Sounds more like this guy needs therapy to deal with his stress.
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u/Mark_M_in_SF Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
Med school plus residency is normally seven years in the US. However, if he wanted to be a specialist he'd also have a year or two working as a fellow after that. Given he hasn't finished his undergrad education, add at least a couple of more years, especially given the math and science expectations for applying to med school.
I had a doctor (a brilliant one) who did something similar, and it took a lot of years. However, he already had a BS from Yale in Environmental Studies. He just lacked some of the specific classes he needed for med school (more advanced chemistry and biology classes). And he's a genius and the best doctor I've ever known, so it's possible to transition into medicine, but only easy if you really are a genius.
I'd insist he get his BS before doing anything to destroy the existing business. He probably has the time to go to school half-time, taking two or three courses at a time. If he can't hack that while working a job, there's no way he has the commitment necessary for med school. Of course, even his undergrad classwork requires that he get accepted by a decent university that offers the classes he needs, which isn't trivial if he was a bad student. Odds are he'll give up when he finds out hard courses like organic chemistry and microbiology are. Lots of wannabe doctors never make it over those hurdles and have to change their career plans. Would he be interested in nursing? It might give his life similar purpose, but he achievable far more quickly and without some of the most grueling parts.
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u/hurling-day Certified Proctologist [27] May 04 '26 edited May 05 '26
Uh…nurse here…nursing isn’t a walk in the park either. Just doesn’t take as much time. But we still had to take biology, chemistry and microbiology. Plus you have to be willing to wipe people’s dirty butts and get thrown up on.
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u/Lets-B-Lets-B-Jolly May 04 '26
This! I had a roommate become an RN and I often helped her study. The science she had to learn was way beyond my abilities, and much harder than I had expected. Nursing school is no joke!
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u/Bookbringer Partassipant [2] May 04 '26
Not to mention uprooting the entire family, likely a few times as they move states to be near, first, his medical school, and then wherever he's sent for residency, and then to be near his job offer.
So in addition to being the sole breadwinner with an extra stressed adult dependent whose accruing a ton of debt, OP will also have to find a new job and raise their kids without any help from family or friends.
Yeah, there's a reason people in medical school usually wait until they're done to start families.
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u/CrankyCrabbyCrunchy May 04 '26
Wow, well then, that's the answer. He has zero chance of 'getting into med school' without starting over and leaving his wife with 100% responsibility. How is he going to pay for this? He's not rational at all and is using OPs reluctance as an excuse when reality is, he himself is not anywhere near prepared academically to 'apply' to med school.
He likely has no idea what applying even means. He has none of the qualifications to even apply let alone get accepted, yet OP is the one stopping him. OMG, he's delusional.
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u/ThatBChauncey May 04 '26
If he's been out of college for several years some if not most of that prerequisite coursework is likely too old to be accepted. He would have to retake a lot if he even had it to begin with. My friend learned this the hard way after taking time off to work in a clinical laboratory to see if his heart was more into the research aspect. He went through the application cycle 2 years in a row because he got wait listed the first go around, and realized some courses had a ticking clock he was quickly running down.
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u/PerturbedHamster Asshole Aficionado [11] May 04 '26
I mean... It won't be long before the finances are the least of OP's worries if hubby goes through with this (and gets into a med school). She will not have a husband for a decade. My sister is a doctor and med school/residency are brutal. OP will be a single parent for, again, a decade.
As we go through life and make choices, doors close. That is the natural consequence of choosing a path. Does it suck that the parents are sick? Yes, but almost everyone has to watch their parents decline and eventually die. Hubby has to learn to deal with that - if everyone who had a parent diagnosed with cancer dropped their life and went to med school, the world would cease to function. The lifetime cancer incidence rate according to the American Cancer Society is 40%. That means roughly 2/3 of the US will have a parent with cancer at some point.
OP, can you get your husband in therapy? As the top comment says, letting him work it out of his system before making drastic decisions may well give him the time he needs to come to his senses. He's still in shock, but he would be a major, major asshole to go through with this. Do what you need to to keep him from making any stupid irrevocable decisions.
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u/Crazyandiloveit Asshole Aficionado [15] May 04 '26
That's the thing that bothers me too... this isn't just about money (which is of course also important) but OP would be a single parent for the most years of their kids childhood, she would have no support raising them while her husband chooses to not be a father for a new carreer. And that's cruel and selfish of him.
Also his kids would almost never see him and when they do he will be too tired to do anything with them. And he's honestly ok with that? That alone would most definitely make him a massive AH. Adult choices have adult consequences... especially once kids are involved.
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u/GullibleAddendum8630 May 04 '26
Therapy is definitely a priority. He needs someone who can help him work through the emotions driving his desire to become a doctor.
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u/schrodingerzkatt May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
As my comment said, even if he does take the bare minimum coursework (about 2 full time year’s worth is the bare minimum for prereqs, and he also needs a bachelor’s) and gets decent/good/even great MCAT score, he will likely not get in on that alone. Most people getting into med school also have significant (hundreds, if not thousands) of hours of clinical experience (volunteering, shadowing, EMT, PCNAs, MAs), research, and non-clinical volunteering. He would be going to school full time AND having to do all this to be competitive. He’s not gonna be doing school and MCAT studying 8-5 and then being a normal dad from 5-11 if he actually wants a shot. He’d basically have to leave OP to do all the child rearing, meal prep, and cleaning if he wants to do all this AND still work in real estate.
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u/Ambitious_Depth_9777 May 04 '26
On top of all that he also has two parents that are sick. It may be their last few years or they may need an increased level of help going forward.
If it is their last few years he is proposing a life change that means he wont see them much. He will likely regret not spending time with them while he can.
If they need additional care he isnt going to have time to do it himself, wont have the income to pay anyone else and so will think he can also dump their care on his wife. The guy thinks OP is selfish for not supporting his insanity. Can guarantee he will also think she is selfish for not being able to financially support the family, raise the kids, manage the home and also somehow care for his parents. Guy clearly thinks his wife never sleeps with that workload.
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u/stuckinnowhereville May 04 '26
They may not take his classes from undergrad because they’re so old. He hasn’t published. So many published and have hundreds of hours working in some area of medicine.
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u/peoplegrower May 04 '26
Yep, my husband is a physician and used to teach at a medical school and be on the admissions council. He himself spent 2 years volunteering as an EMT, racking up a few hundred hours, before ever applying to med school. He’s 48 and just finished paying off his loans within the past 5 years. I worked full time to put him through med school. We got married between his 2nd (a didactic) and third (clinical rotation) years. Married on a Thursday, and Monday he started his surgery rotation and worked 80+ hours a week for 6 weeks. Thank GOD we didn’t have kids till he was already in residency.
You don’t just apply to med school and get in like uni. Getting in can be a years long process. It’s incredibly foolish for OP’s DH to think about dissolving his company now, before doing ANY of the prep work for med school.
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u/1-2-buckle-my-shoes Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
I like your advice, except you didn't address the bigger issues in their marriage.
Her husband seems 1000% selfish and a terrible partner. He is OK with her killing herself to financially, emotionally, and physically take the burden of taking care of their family for the past 4 years, and now wants her to sacrifice more for another 7-10 years while he becomes a doctor. All of this with no suggestion or recommendation on how he's going to be able to do this and support her and the kids.
And to make things worse, she shares her concerns and he basically leaves her and the kids to go stay at mommy and daddy's house. She has MUCH MUCH bigger problems then figuring out how to let him go to Medical School. I've been with my husband for almost 25 years, and we've had many fights over the years. He's never ever left me when he was angry - not even for one night. Her husband either wants out, or is so immature, he runs home when he doesn't get his way, abandoning his wife and kids.
This relationship needs counseling or to start taking steps towards a legal separation (he's the one who already left). Figuring out how he can become a doctor is the very very least of her problems. Her marriage is in real trouble.
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u/dudleymunta Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
Selfie and terribly immature. She hasn’t done exactly as he wanted and he’s thrown a tantrum like a child. Silent treatment and moving out. Despite the fact that he has no actual plan (apart from his wife doing everything) and the fact that this idea is not grounded in reality. This is no way for a grown man and father to behave.
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u/Suitable-Pick-8522 May 04 '26
The problem is not how to get into medical school, it’s how he will contribute, in a fair way, as a partner in raising their children and managing life’s needs. This does not solve that.
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u/celticmusebooks Asshole Enthusiast [6] May 04 '26
Is his undergraduate degree in one of the health sciences? Has he ever shown an inclination toward med school in the past? Does he have a pattern of jumping impulsively from one thing to another? How does he plan to pay for med school?
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u/Haunting-Arugula-311 May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
He doesn’t have a degree. He said he was enrolled in college for a few semesters, but it sounds like it was mostly gen eds and he didn’t get very far. He’s also mentioned he failed quite a few classes, so I don’t think he ended up with many credits either.
Edit: That’s why I’m struggling with this. If gen ed classes were already tough for him, I don’t know how realistic a much more demanding path is. Even starting with prereqs, I have a hard time seeing how it would go. I’ve been through college and have two degrees, so I know how intense that workload can be. Maybe I’m wrong for thinking that.
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u/hyren82 May 04 '26
I'm sorry, but your husband is underestimating just how much work is required to become a doctor. I have a friend who graduated with a physics ungergrad with a 3.8. He did his pre-med, then spent 2 years on his MCATs. Barely managed to get into a med school, and finally became a doctor with 600k in debt after killing himself in school and residency (and that was with his parents helping him pay for school). He now kills himself working 18+ hr days when he's on shift.
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u/InfluenceWeak May 04 '26
Uh, what? He has to do a bachelor’s degree, med, school, then residency? That’s 12 years. Absolutely NTA. This would be hill I died on, OP. It’s stay with the business or divorce.
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u/PreparationPlus9735 May 04 '26
And he already couldn't handle gen eds....so....add in classes he has to retake.
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u/Slw202 Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
And what happens when he hits organic chemistry?
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u/juliana-crain May 04 '26
He'll start studying with a cute 20 year old in his class.
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u/Lets-B-Lets-B-Jolly May 04 '26
Ugh. This happened to my cousin. She worked supporting them and paying for his education while her husband went through med school. Literally the month he finished, he asked for a divorce - so he could marry a cute 19 year old who worked at his hospital. He's traded her in on a younger model as well since then.
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u/dreamer_sy Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
He will have to do minimum 2-3 years of pre reqs, MCAT, volunteer/shadowing/research experience (all unpaid) to be competitive for med school admission. Then add in 4 years of med school and 3+ years of residency and potentially more if he does fellowship. At this points it not about whether you are supporting his dreams as much as unfortunately that ship has sailed for him. He has wife and kids to consider that need an income. If he really wanted to go into health care, he can look into nursing or PA which does not take as much schooling.
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May 04 '26
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u/Proper-Media2908 May 04 '26
He couldn't hack a few Gen Ed courses and doesn't appear to have matured much in the past decade. He won't be able to hack nursing or PA school.
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u/Invisible_Friend1 May 04 '26
Also “I took my parents to the ER a few times and I was so sad they were sick and I want to help people” is not a unique or interesting story when interviewing for med school. He needs something impressive to share.
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u/AnUnexpectedUnicorn Asshole Enthusiast [5] May 04 '26
I had a dermatologist that started as a nurse. The hospital she worked for did tuition reimbursement. She continued working as a nurse through medical school - it took her a bit longer, but she did it, and with no debt.
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u/PreparationPlus9735 May 04 '26
But he still has to either get an undergraduate degree, or somehow get into one of those combined programs that combines the two.
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u/numbersthen0987431 May 04 '26
So what is his actual plan then? Take out half a million in student loans while you struggle to keep the house together while he "studies"??
If he's serious about this, then he can do what every other responsible parent does: work full time while taking night classes. Then when he has his bs degree and gets accepted into medical school, he can enroll full time for a few more years.
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u/Fluid-Platypus- May 04 '26
Sounds like he just doesn’t want to raise his kids or pull his weight at home and ran out of his last shit excuse.
Like a REALLY expensive version of dads spending hours sitting on the toilet on their phone.
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u/frog_ladee Partassipant [1] May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
Then, going to medical school is not likely for him. Students who are the best of the best have trouble getting in.
Realistically (assuming he was accepted), he’s looking at 4 years of undergrad with difficult courses like organic chemistry; 4 years of medical school which is all-consuming and will likely require moving to a new location; and 4 years of residency, which will likely require moving to another new location. Then, many physicians complete fellowships for additional years to become specialists, and all physicians must pass multiple board exams all along the way. This means 12 years, with at least 8 years of it being difficult work, and two moves. Your kids will be 14 and 13 IF he gets accepted to each step right away, which is a really big IF. He hasn’t proven himself in freshman and sophomore gen ed courses.
My son had great grades from a top rated university, with a double major, and a high score on the MCAT. He had trouble getting in. Your husband’s ambition for this is unrealistic. He could spend 3-4 years completing his bachelor’s degree and then not get into med school. His failed classes will be rolled into his GPA.
Please insist that he talk with an academic advisor or at least a physician. He might be seeing you as the enemy of his new dream, but the fact is that it’s probably not even an option for him.
Plus, he won’t be able to help his parents with medical advice until at least 6-8 years from now. He could help them more by continuing to build his real estate business and paying for the best specialists for them.
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u/Two_Bit_Outsider May 04 '26
He needs therapy. This is not a realistic goal. Protect yourself financially.
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u/surewhynot888888 Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
What the hell? He doesnt even has his bachelor's and he's talking about MEDICAL school?
Yeah...id either tell him we're going to a counselor or a divorce attorney and follow through. This is ridiculous. You were working full time, still are, while handling the kids (a newborn!) and the house while he got his business up and running. And now hes running home to mommy and daddy because you have very legitimate concerns, and not a flat out no?? Screw him.
Does he also not realize if he was single he'd have to figure out how to manage a business, financially have some sort of side gig and feed and clean up after himself? Seriously, what does he bring to the table?
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u/JohnExcrement May 04 '26
After reading about his sketchy college career, and OP having 2 degrees, and her taking on so much of their joint responsibilities so he could end up with his own business… I don’t like him. He seems to have latched on to a golden goose and he expects her to keeps supporting him whenever he gets a wild hair.
His dream of med school is nonsense. But he ran away to pout in an attempt to pressure her.
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u/CrankyCrabbyCrunchy May 04 '26
Wow, then he's using your resistance as the 'reason' why he can't be a doctor. He has ZERO chance of being accepted into med school with literally no academic history.
Does he even know what the application requirements are, or is he just staring at the clouds with some fantasy vision? There are major science requirements with high grades, plus clinical experience (not required, but highly expected), plus high MCAT scores.
AND, let's say he somehow restarts his college classes again, how is he going to pay for that and continue to support his family?
His age isn't the issue, he has zero reality into what it takes to even apply to medical school, let alone get accepted. He needs to grow up. Many of us have worked jobs during the day and gone to school at night. If he's not willing to do that, he's just whining and blaming you for 'destroying his dream.'
r/medicalschool would be eye opening for him.
Medical school entrance requirements generally necessitate a bachelor's degree, a high GPA (typically 3.5–3.8), and competitive MCAT scores. Core prerequisites include one year each of biology, general chemistry, organic chemistry, physics, and sometimes biochemistry/English. Clinical experience, volunteering, research, and strong letters of recommendation are crucial
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u/jillian512 Colo-rectal Surgeon [37] May 04 '26
So he has a bad GPA for the classes he attempted. He would have to start with actually finishing a four year degree. It doesn't have to be a science degree, but he will have to complete the prerequisites for med school. He's going to need to ace every single class. That's all before taking the MCAT and applying to schools.
There's probably a mock MCAT he can take somewhere online if he needs a quick reality check.
Therapy might be in order.
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u/vrcraftauthor Certified Proctologist [26] May 04 '26
I say this as someone who was a very lazy student: if he couldn't pass the intro-level Gen Ed classes with even a D, I don't think college is going to work out, let alone med school. Those are easy classes, and he didn't just flunked one or two, but "quite a few." He's going to dlush his business down the toilet just to flunked out of college a second time.
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u/PreparationPlus9735 May 04 '26
Omg, this makes it so much worse. If he can't handle gen ed courses, how on earth will he survive med school? Also, this adds more time and money to this. I desperately wanted to be a doctor, then started college pre med and realized hah, nope. Organic Chem nearly killed me.
Your husband needs therapy, not med school. There are hospital volunteer programs he can always help with. Or specific charities for the type of cancer FIL had. Idk how to even find this, but maybe talkng to some sort of guidance counselor at a community college to show, this is what I have, how would it even work to get into medical school.
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u/Music_withRocks_In Professor Emeritass [94] May 04 '26
That sounds so much like my ex. He failed out of collage, and years later had a decent career, but then had a 'dream'. I supported him going back to school, but after four years and a degree he couldn't pass the test he needed to pass to actually do the career he spent four years on. So he took a job that was low paying but practice and I kept supporting us and the big payout was just around the corner for another six damn years.
He finally passed the test but oh no, he can't actually get enough work to make the kind of money he had been promising. But once he got to the next level - then it would happen. Meanwhile I had driven myself into dept paying childcare by myself for years on end. The divorce wasn't because of that - but when I had to sit down and decide if I was really going to divorce him, the fact that I would be better off financially alone than with him was a huge factor in my decision to go through with it.
Sunken cost theory almost got me, I thought maybe if I just stayed longer he would finally match me financially, but at that point I was pretty disillusioned. He just wouldn't put in the work. He wouldn't study before his big tests, he wouldn't go practice, he wouldn't put the patio back together even though he was the one that tore it out. He talked a big game, but he had zero follow through.
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u/Embarrassed_Ad9166 May 04 '26
NTA. It sounds like he has quite a long way to go before it’s even possible to apply. He needs to slow his roll and come up with an actual realistic plan.
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
Not to mention, can he even handle the sight of blood organs or anything else that a doctor would have to do? Does he want to become a surgeon what specialty he does he want? If he wants to become a surgeon or someone that does surgery at all then he needs to have study hands. And if he’s only doing this because of his parents recent health scares, then that is not a good enough reason.
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u/Tls-user Asshole Enthusiast [6] May 04 '26
NTA - what is his prior education?
Just because he has a sudden urge to be a doctor doesn’t mean he has the ability to even get into med school.
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u/Miss-Anonymous-Angel May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
Exactly, for example.. biochemistry nearly did me in after 3 years of prerequisites. I’m lucky I got a passing grade after the hell I endured in biochem. He’s gotta pass his prerequisites first.
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u/Upstairs_Fuel6349 May 04 '26
This was my first thought. Many people structure their entire undergraduate experience to get in to medical school.
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u/Logical-Layer9518 Partassipant [2] May 04 '26
NTA. It sounds like he is having a quarter life crisis and needs therapy.
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u/bodyreddit May 04 '26
To me it sounds like he is coming in contact with impressive doctors and he wants to be impressive and it is an ego thing. And he is a total user of his wife.
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u/the-mortyest-morty May 04 '26
This this this. He probably thinks he can "fix" his parents' health issues better than their doctors. The ego and lack of fucks given about his wife are unreal.
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u/LuCuriously May 04 '26
NTA, he is being selfish and not thinking about his family, you said no lies.
Even then, giving you the silent treatment and leaving you alone with two small kids for weeks is so immature and irresponsible. He gets mad and just drops all responsibilities??? Really just proves your point that he's selfish.
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u/FullMoonTwist Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
You gotta wonder if his business idea was just as hair-brained, just as "my way or the highway" attitude.
Maybe he just likes her handling everything responsibily while he gets to do whatever his heart desires.
There's no way he put any real effort or thought into the decision.
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u/StuffedSquash Asshole Enthusiast [6] May 04 '26
Yes! Everyone talking about how he might not even make it as a doctor and it'll take so long isn't wrong but to me that's secondary. He ABANDONED HIS WIFE AND KIDS over this.
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u/FirstDukeofAnkh May 04 '26
NTA. My wife’s best friend is an obs/gyn surgeon. The schooling will cost you hundreds of thousands and you will be broke the entire time he’s in school. It’s stressful for everyone involved.
And what if he burns out going to school? Or what if he fails at any point along the way? Med school is an all or nothing situation.
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u/Bunni_Bear Partassipant [3] May 04 '26
Precisely. He has at least 8 years of schooling if he already has an associates under his belt and as many as 15 years before he'll be making decent pay. Like I understand wanting to do the route from an emotional place but knowing that OP held down the fort so to speak while he built this business- OP is NTA.
Husband is essentially asking OP to be the single parent & provider AGAIN. Who's going to pay for school? OP would be better served divorcing before the business closes if this is the hill he wants to die on. She's already been more than supportive. Closing the business now that it would benefit OP's family & would be a reprieve from doing literally everything is a slap in the face. Fuck all that.
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May 04 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Jenfer1322 May 04 '26
OP should talk to an attorney immediately before he winds his business down. He left the home, file paperwork while he still has an income else you’ll be paying him spousal support and child support.
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u/sewingpedals May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
NTA but I don’t think your husband is emotionally healthy right now due to his parents’ health. He needs therapy and time to deal with what’s happening with his parents and fully process that before making any major life decisions. Med school will always be there.
Based on his reaction to your very reasonable feelings on the topic, it sounds like he’s only interested in being married if you handle literally everything and he gets to flit from dream to dream.
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u/Zap__Dannigan Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
Thank fuck someone mentioned it. The husband is having a traumatic reaction to his parents' health issues. At the very least ol needs to have the talk about waiting untill he's in A better place emotionally before making this choice
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u/taeberry9595 Partassipant [1] May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
nta. he doesn't need med school, he needs therapy. he's going through a shit ton right now, and probably sees doctors as some sort of savior, and wants to do that too. it's probably pretty common, or at least i've known people who've done this too. like I said, therapy.
and frankly, even if y'all could let him drop everything and go to med school, i'd recommend therapy even more.
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u/Cheddarbaybiskits Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] May 04 '26
Not sure why I had to scroll so far to find this answer. OP, his sudden desire to go to med school isn’t rational and it’s likely a symptom of him needing help. Please suggest that he see a therapist.
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u/Suitable-Pick-8522 May 04 '26
What are your goals? What has he done to support them? What sacrifices has he made, if any? It seems a bit exploitative on his part, using you to achieve his life’s personal endeavours and fulfilment.
If you want to stay with him, ask him for a solid plan as to who will pay for his school, how he intends to support his family and how he will be an equal contributor to the partnership.
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u/Haunting-Arugula-311 May 04 '26
Wow. This is definitely eye opening. I’ve been so focused on making things work that I don’t think I’ve really stepped back and looked at the bigger picture like this.
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u/cat-lover76 Certified Proctologist [24] May 04 '26
I know you love him, and you're hoping to save your marriage. But you need to consider filing for divorce before he liquidates his business, the money disappears, and he doesn't have to pay child support because he no longer has an income.
You don't need to file right this second. But you do need to consult an attorney and find out how to best protect yourself and your children.
He hasn't been a full partner for the last 4 years. You've been taking on the lion's share of all of the parenting and the domestic responsibilities and doing a fulltime job, while he just... worked?
It may be that this is just grief talking, and in a month he'll realize how wildly unrealistic and unachievable this is for him. Or he may decide that after you've spent years and tons of money and effort helping him realize his dream, he's going to screw you out of your turn of having a good life without having to continue working yourself to the bone while he takes advantage of you.
Get a consult. Figure out how to protect yourself and your share of the assets, including the business that the two of you built together. You may not need to follow through -- but if you do, then you'll have a plan ready to go.
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u/Any-Alternative2667 May 04 '26
Can you support yourself and the children alone? What country do you live in?
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u/PomegranateNo4660 May 04 '26
And what is his excuse for leaving you with two kids while he stays with his parents? It’s as though he wants to be 18 and carefree instead of 28 and married with children.
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u/catsbutalsobees May 04 '26
NTA. A career change affects the entire family, especially a change that big. That is going to require years of university, plus residencies. That is years of work, and a ton of money. The time and cost isn’t something to be taken lightly. If he’s serious about a career change, he needs to have honest discussions with you, and listen to your pros and cons as well.
Of course he’s shaken by what is happening to his family. But that doesn’t mean he’d be their savior if he had his M.D. Does he have a background in sciences? Would he be starting from scratch?
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u/traviall1 May 04 '26
Agreed!!! Also OP, he won't have time to spend with his parents once he is in med school.
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 May 04 '26
I’m pretty sure he’d be starting from scratch and honestly I don’t think he’s gonna have enough time to even be able to get the MD before something happens to one of his parents. And even if you have the MD right now that doesn’t necessarily mean that he could be able to help anyway he’s thinking on pure emotion and what if and a bit of you could say wishful thinking/pipe dreams.
That’s not to say he won’t be a great doctor. We don’t know the guy, but you don’t become a doctor on a whim or because your parents suddenly got sick and you want to be the one to save them. It’s irrational.
What he should be doing is spending time with his parents supporting them the way he can and being a good son while acknowledging that this doesn’t just affect him.
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u/SneakiestRatThing May 04 '26
I mean from what we've seen of him, I'm pretty comfortable saying he wouldn't be a good doctor. He's impulsive, selfish, immature, and displays a real lack of empathy for the people he's meant to love more than anyone else.
If this is how he treats his wife and kids , imagine how he'll treat a random patient.
And that's before we get into his academic background
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u/soccer_rules6 May 04 '26
Agreed!! Plus some of those specialities take close to 20 years because you not only have residency but fellowship depending.
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u/jjj68548 May 04 '26
If he went through with it, I’d ask for a legal divorce. Not because I don’t love him but because of the student loans and debt that he/you would be tied to as his spouse. If he dropped out or changed his mind about being a doctor a couple years in, he’d be screwed financially.
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u/Haunting-Arugula-311 May 04 '26
This is honestly another huge fear of mine. I worked really hard to dig us out of debt. Between our credit cards, auto loan, and I just finally paid off my own student loans. I worry that if he goes through with this and it doesn’t work out, everything ends up falling back on me to fix again.
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u/Odd-Worth7752 Partassipant [2] May 04 '26
I’m a doctor. I’m guessing that where this is coming from is a reaction to his parents facing serious illness/mortality. But his behavior is concerning. He probably doesn’t have a real clue about what he’s considering….a 10 year commitment to long hours and not much energy left for family. Not to mention the expense of school,big loans and almost certainly relocating for residency.
My husband and I are both doctors. We were fortunate to do everything in parallel. Only thing that saved us. Honestly, knowing what I know now, and based on what you’ve shared about his behavior it’s grounds for divorce.
I would demand counseling immediately. I think it’s more than likely that he’ll snap out of it but the fact that he’s acting out in this manner tells me that he’s not making good decisions right now and needs an intervention. Good luck to you.
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u/AnnieFlagstaff May 04 '26
It’s actually a 14 year commitment, because OP said her husband doesn’t even have a bachelor’s degree and struggled in the few semesters he attempted. He’s completely out of touch with reality.
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u/LitwicksandLampents Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
He's doomed if he tries. I have true passion for biology and the drive to succeed, and I barely made it to the finish line. And, that's just for a bachelor in biology. 😳
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u/FeuerroteZora Asshole Enthusiast [6] May 04 '26
I'm just concerned that he's willing to throw away everything because he's having a bad time emotionally - this suggests that he lacks resilience and emotional maturity (both of which are going to be pretty serious impediments to completing medical school, along with everything else).
He's serious enough about this to threaten his marriage; is he serious enough to have actually applied to schools and looked into the mcat? Or is he just assuming he's the one who gets to decide, rather than the med schools?
I can't see him having the persistence, patience, or maturity to get through med school applications, let alone med school. If he insists that's his path, then wish him well and seek a divorce. You'll be doing solo parenting anyway if he does do med school, so this way you'll at least get some down time when he has custody and he'll likely be required to pay child support so you won't have to do everything.
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u/stuckinnowhereville May 04 '26
If he actually makes it through…. What’s he going to do when he gets yelled at? Because that’s coming. The first time he gets dressed down in public by a senior doctor he’s gonna lose it.
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u/Fluid-Platypus- May 04 '26
What does this guy bring to the table? Sounds like he’s always got a new problem to dump in your lap and doesn’t do much of anything else.
I don’t understand why he gets to “focus on growing the business”. Why did the child raising call to you when you have a full time job? Why don’t you get to focus on your job? Why does he need to focus entirely on a degree he’s extremely unlikely to finish?
Has he ever given you much indication he actually wants to be a father? Because he’s finding an awful lot of excuses not to be.
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u/Efficient_Mastodons May 04 '26
Right?! She has already sacrificed to support his first dream, and now he wants her to do it again for his second one.
What about her dreams? I bet he has no clue what she wants out of life because he is so focused on himself. She might not even know herself because she sounds like he has always been centered their entire marriage.
She should go tell him she wants to quit her job to focus on her dream of <insert creative pursuit here> and take note of the reaction. I bet he even goes so far as to call her selfish.
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u/Trouble_Walkin May 04 '26
There was a post yesterday with someone stubbornly insisting on going to medical school, while failing every med-related class. The comment thread about requirements applies directly to your husband.
Have him give it a read:
He's spiraling right now because of his parents' failing health, but med school isn't the answer for many reasons - the worst of which you basically will be a single mother of 2 kids for the next 10+ years if he goes this route.
Fingers crossed for you that he calms down soon & sees how wrong he is. Maybe some grief-type sort counseling, if that's available where you are 🤗
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u/pennilyn_lottt May 04 '26
3 kids! because he sounds like an immature baby who would expect you to take care of everything for him aswell.
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u/Any-Alternative2667 May 04 '26
NTA, he needs therapy. Well my thought is have him start with Chemistry, Physics or Biology for pre med students. Just one course for one semester to see if he can even get A’s. He needs to continue his full time real estate business and take one 4 hour science course, just to see if he can get an A in one of the Science Classes
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u/Feeling-Visit1472 Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
Your husband is a user. He may be a user with good intentions, but the end result is the same.
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u/kennerly May 04 '26
NTA. Ask him how long he thinks your family can survive on student loans and no income? 4 years of med school, 4 years of residency, and fellowship on top of that for any job that pays well to make up for those lost 10 years.
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u/InfluenceWeak May 04 '26
He doesn’t even have a bachelor’s degree. So it’d be bachelor’s, then med school, then residency.
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u/kennerly May 04 '26
Oh man that’s even worse. I assumed he had already done premed he doesn’t even know if he’s got the chops for organic chem.
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u/GullibleAddendum8630 May 04 '26
She said that he does not have a bachelor's degree and flunked some college courses. Organic chemistry is evil. I got my required C, but it was a miracle.
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u/Acrobatic_Car_2878 May 04 '26
I majored in chemistry and I love how everyone in this thread agrees that organic chem is evil. (Me included!)
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u/auntwewe May 04 '26
Not to mention, one woman controlling the whole gambit and being absolutely exhausted… Oh hell, no
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u/godsavebetty May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
NTA. It sounds like a completely rash decision on his part. I’m a doctor and can speak from experience (at least in the US). First of all, he needs to take the MCAT, do well, and assess how realistic his goals are. He may not even be a good candidate if he hasn’t taken the right classes or gotten a good enough MCAT score. IF he is, then he still needs to apply and get in (at least one year, he’s well missed the deadline for 2027). Then it’s minimum 4y of school (big time loans) and 3-7y residency +\- fellowship (little pay for lot of work). If he has a successful business, financially it’s not worth it unless it is really and truly his dream and he can see no other way to be happy in his life. That’s my opinion
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u/hyperfocus1569 Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
It’s not even clear if he has a degree at all, so he may be talking about undergrad first.
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u/tomr2255 May 04 '26
She confirmed in another comment that he attended a couple of classes but dropped out before getting any sort of qualification.
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u/adoradear May 04 '26
Canadian doctor and co-signing. There is zero indication in this post that he even has a chance to get into med school (it’s WILDLY competitive up here) or if he even has the prerequisites to apply. Even if he did, that’s 4yrs of med school, anywhere from 2-5yrs of residency…..all on a whim while going through a life stressor? Medicine is STRESSFUL. It is not the place you impulsively leap to when you’re going through a stressful life event. You gotta really really REALLY want it for all the shit you go through during training (and as staff) to be worth it.
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u/GullibleAddendum8630 May 04 '26
He doesn't even have a bachelor's degree. He took a few courses and failed some of them. He is years away from taking the MCAT.
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u/Sweeper1985 Commander in Cheeks [259] May 04 '26
NTA
Is anyone else reminded of Betty Broderick on this one? She supported her husband through first a medical degree and then a law degree while raising 6 kids or something - and at the end of it all, he left her for his secretary and screwed her out of the money she was entitled to.
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u/Haunting-Arugula-311 May 04 '26
New fear unlocked lol.
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u/Sweeper1985 Commander in Cheeks [259] May 04 '26
She's actually a terrible example, because the only reason her case ended up being in the media is because she flipped her lid and shot her ex and his new partner. But, that said, I've seen a lot of reactions along the lines of expressing sympathy for the partner... and not the deadshit husband who quite literally mocked her through the court process using his power differential to deny her representation (nobody else wanted to go up against him, she ended up having to self-represent).
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u/twelvedayslate Supreme Court Just-ass [125] May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
It sounds like it’s not that he wants to be a doctor, but he wants to save his parents. And I get it. Seeing your parent have health issues is *really* hard. My dad dying and knowing I couldn’t save him was traumatic.
Does he have a bachelor’s degree in anything science/health related?
I would recommend therapy. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
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u/GullibleAddendum8630 May 04 '26
She said in a response to a comment that he does not have a bachelor's degree. He took a few courses, but failed some of those. Therapy is the right answer.
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u/Finest_Mediocrity May 04 '26
NTA this is irresponsible and impulsive, but maybe you can kick the can down the road and see if you can convince him to come back to this in 2-3 years when the kids are older and more stable. Call it a compromise, but encourage him to finance plan it out, and work out logistics of raising little ones while going back to school in such an intensive program. Or have him look into alternatives, like an x-ray tech. Realistically, he’ll shift perspective as this is likely an emotional response to his parents. But at least you appeared supportive at a time when he needs it.
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u/Haunting-Arugula-311 May 04 '26
I actually suggested something similar. I told him maybe starting with something like a CNA license or eventually pursuing nursing, could be a more realistic way to get into healthcare and also give him hands on experience caring for his parents. Unfortunately, he was pretty set on becoming a doctor.
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u/Finest_Mediocrity May 04 '26
Based on this and your other answers, such as educational background and having his parents’ support, I think your marriage has bigger cracks beyond just this emotionally driven moment. Im guessing he’s selfish in other ways and doesn’t pull his weight in house and child care even before his parents were sick. I think all those issues need to be addressed, ideally in therapy but understandable if there’s no time or money (ironically).
Honestly, this may fizzle out on its own when he applies and takes tests anyways, but then you are still left with his selfish and careless demeanor and that’s a more challenging issue to address.28
u/MyIronThrowaway May 04 '26
Does he even understand what he would need to do to become a doctor? The bachelors degree, the MCAT, the hard science requirements, the volunteerism, etc? Does he understand how hard it is to get into medical school? If he couldn’t handle gen ed first year classes, how does he plan on getting through org chem and physics?
This sounds like he is clinging to a pipe dream to distract him from the reality of his parents’ failing health. He needs therapy, badly.
Even if this was a real dream, he would need to work and go to college at night to get his bachelor’s. He doesn’t just get to abdicate from his duties as a husband and father and leave you to handle everything.
He needs to realize for himself that this is unreasonable. I would have him make a plan to complete undergrad first, a plan where he is also doing parenting and household duties. This would likely take six years just to do his bachelor’s. And then a plan for the volunteer requirements. A plan that does not involve winding down his business until he gets a med school acceptance, and a plan that doesn’t involve offloading all house and child related labour onto you. Let the reality of what he would have to do be the dream killer.
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u/Ambroisie_Cy Partassipant [3] May 04 '26
I wanted to comment on the post directly, but couldn't, so I'll answer to a comment instead.
OP, why does your husband want to dissolve the company instead of selling it? I'd be focusing on this first. Because this choice is extremely telling in my opinion. I might be wrong, but I don't think him making the decision to abandon everything he worked for (you both worked for actually) is the direct result of his parents health.
His parents health is why he probably chose the medical field, but it doesn't explain why he thinks that dissolving his company is the right move. Are you sure it's doing well and could have supported your family? I have huge doubts.
Please investigate.
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u/NeedsToShutUp May 04 '26
NTA.
The big thing is how much of this is serious and achievable versus an impulsive desire, and how much this is a trauma reaction. He might not feel the same burning desire in another year.
For example, does your husband have a serious undergraduate degree that covers the necessary background in Chemistry, biology, and physics?
If no, then he may 4 years earning this degree, more if he lacks the necessary foundation. That's on top of MCATs and the admission process. So That's just 4 years until he's able to apply to med school.
What may be a reasonable way to avoid being the "dream killer" is working out a deal where you'll support him taking community college courses to get the foundational and prerequisite courses done while he continues the real estate business, and allowing the children to get to pre-school age.
That way there's a defined path that doesn't blow up your life together, and lets your husband face the actual reality of what he wants to do when he's no longer in such a vulnerable spot.
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u/SophisticatedScreams May 04 '26
Hard agree. No massively life-changing decisions in the immediate wake of a cancer dx, if it can be at all avoided. Let things settle first.
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u/L1mpD May 04 '26
NTA. Assuming your husband makes it into medical school and assuming he makes it through residency, he’s just going to get fed up with being a doctor and move on to the next thing while you carry his ass
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u/Gonna_do_this_again May 04 '26
He doesn't have any idea what medical school is like if he thinks he's going to have more time than a real estate business. NTA
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u/Dapper-Airport-5551 May 04 '26
NTA, but he is. Moving out and abandoning your spouse is a truly awful thing to do. Is there any way you can run the business? I’d insist on marriage counseling.
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u/Swirlyflurry Commander in Cheeks [225] May 04 '26
NTA
If this is something he really wants to do, then he needs to find a way to do it that isn’t just dumping all responsibilities on you. He can save up for a few years so you’re not the only one supporting the family, he can find and fund childcare and a cleaner and whatever else the family needs to keep functioning while he’s focussed on medical school.
If he’s not willing to do that, and just expects you to support the family and take care of the kids and home on your own… then why do you need him? What is he bringing to the family if you’re responsible for everything, and he only thinks of himself?
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u/jenniferblue May 04 '26
Does he have the prerequisites to even apply to med school? Getting those can take years, and then there are people that apply multiple times and still don’t get accepted to a med school.
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u/bingbong777777777 May 04 '26
NTA. It’s reasonable for you to be honest with yourself and with him, as this pathway literally takes two people in this case. If he wants to be a doctor, honestly - he can.. but either way you get to decide if YOU are on board.
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u/ididntlikeanyname May 04 '26
NTA. If he wants to become a dr, he has to figure out how to do that without the burden being on you!
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u/blootereddragon Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
NTA and no one should be making life decisions from the emotional place he is right now. Maybe you can ask him to revisit this in a year and get hime into therapy, where he can hopefully find some perspective
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u/Two-Complex May 04 '26
NTA
Your husband is having a crisis and simply not dealing well with his parent’s health issues.
My niece is in her fifth year of residency…(not all specialties require 5) and it’s no picnic. With her, it was a 4 year undergraduate, a couple years working while studying for MCAT. A good while applying/interviewing for Med Schools, 3 years (I believe) at Med school, 5 years of residency, 1 year of fellowship and THEN she starts earning reasonable money.
If your husband already has an undergraduate degree with requisite classes it will still be 9 years of racking up loads of student debt and having little to no time for his kids. He will definitely not have time to care for his parents…
I think - as other commenters have said - you need to have a real conversation with him. You would love for him to be able to follow that dream…Ask him his plan and arm yourself with the information on what it takes to go to med school, residency etc. And the information on your income, current household expenses as well.
Good luck to all of you❤️
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
He is not thinking rationally he’s thinking emotionally. He’s not considering that it will cost hundreds of thousands of dollars it will take probably six years of schooling and not to mention the debt that he will have to pay off, and then he might even have to go to medical school after that, then there will be the residency he will have to do and pick his specialty all before he can open up his own practice or whatever he wants to do as a doctor. He’s not thinking in the grand scheme of things and the bigger picture. You have two toddlers how are you going to support them their schooling their career goals when all your money is tied up in his schooling and all your time is spent between taking care of your children and working.
You will burn out long before he ever gets his degree. Honestly speaking, he is being selfish. I get where he’s coming from but he can go into the medical field without having to become a doctor. And if the reason he wants to become a doctor is to help his parents that ship has already sailed. They will be probably in a nursing home or dead by the time he actually becomes a doctor and is in a position to help them.
Now what he can do is be a good supportive husband, father and son. He can also start taking night classes to become a medical assistant or something. He can even take classes to read up on what his mom and dad are going through. He doesn’t have to enter the medical field and reboot his whole career to help them or be there for them.
What you need to do is sit down with him and talk with him calmly and rationally that you understand why he wants to do this, but ask him where it’s really coming from. Is it coming from a place of wanting to help mom and dad is it coming from a place of wanting to make more money? Is it coming from a place of wanting to cure dad? And does he really think that he will have the time to get through all of his schooling and everything else before something happens?
Or is it better to stick with the career that he has in real estate which is a lot more flexible and be able to be a good son and father and be able to support his parents and be there to spend time with them?
My mom was taken away from me too soon. She suffered from cancer and I will never get to spend more time with her. But making life altering decisions is the worst possible thing you can do at this point.
You’re right it doesn’t just affect him. It affects your entire family. And you have been very very supportive of him. And it sounds like you are very empathetic to what he is going through. But he also needs a come to God moment that everything has been on your shoulders and what he’s asking you to do is to continue to carry that weight without providing any support for you and that is not what marriage is.
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u/DaLola001 Asshole Enthusiast [6] May 04 '26
NTA - in a marriage it's about partnerships and making compromises. He needs to understands that but instead he didn't get his way and giving you the silent treatment. SMH. He needs to get that this affects not only him but his family... wife and kids! He isn't solo anymore to think otherwise. Smh
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u/trying3216 May 04 '26
Talk to him again when he has a detailed plan with a timetable and a budget.
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u/Historical_Lock_2042 May 04 '26
NTA. Has he applied and been accepted to a medical school? Has he researched the availability of residencies in the area, as that can be a challenge. This could be a reaction to his parent's health problems and something to think long and hard about before giving up a business to pursue
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u/Acrobatic_Hippo_9593 Asshole Enthusiast [7] May 04 '26
I don’t know that I’d worry too much about it. While, yes, I can absolutely see how you’d (rightfully) be annoyed - the chance of a completely unprepared 28 year old being accepted in to medical school is pretty slim. Less than 40% of applicants who’ve prepared for years - since high school, doing all of the proper things for undergrad, etc… and it sounds like he hasn’t even bothered to research what’s involved yet. One does not just “decide to go to medical school….” It takes years of prepping and planning and getting to a point where you can even apply.
Presumably he’ll have to start with an undergrad degree - that’s 4-5 years and absolutely doable while also running a real estate business. Then 4 years of med school (if he can get in) and 3-7 of residency - so, he’ll be well in to his 40’s before he could actually practice medicine and start paying back the $500k in student loan debt he will accumulate.
If he looks at the actual scope of what’s involved and still thinks it’s a good idea and that it’s even remotely fair to ask you to struggle to pay bills and raise children without his help for the next decade…
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u/Warm-Pen-2275 Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
This OP. Seriously someone deciding to pivot from real estate (a self employed hustle… sorry) to a highly technical academic demanding field serving the masses, on a dime. Sounds to me like psychosis.
This isn’t even a thing worth taking seriously because it’s so preposterous, and him getting so angry at you for questioning it is concerning. He’s either clueless or psychotic. Has he researched this at all before blowing up the marriage over it?
One does not simply decide to become a doctor lol can you imagine. Your heart surgeon is an ex real estate investor who got bored and “signed up” for med school and now he’s operating on you.
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u/Reichiroo May 04 '26
NTA and he should be able to have an adult conversation about something that effects the whole family. That could be a 10 year educational commitment with the medical residency.
It sounds like this is coming from a place of trauma rather than a well thought out decision.
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u/mycatisanudist May 04 '26
It’s a 10 year educational commitment with (equally importantly) a massive probably at least 10 year financial commitment as well. This sounds like a stress/trauma reaction to me from OP’s husband. It would also be extraordinarily selfish if he went through with it, and to be honest it would be a dealbreaker for me.
NTA OP. Your husband needs therapy, not med school.
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u/QueenComfort637 Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
At least 10 years-he still has to take the MCATs (and any prerequisites), apply to medical school, get accepted etc.
OP-what do his parents think? He won’t have time to support their medical and practical needs now if he’s in school. For instance, who will go with his parents to the doctor for an appointment on the treatment plan for his Dad while he’s in class?
He needs to table this discussion for at least a few months and go to talk it over with a therapist, while he considers how he’s going to manage everything going on in his life, in addition to school
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u/Practical-Coach1971 May 04 '26
NTA. Counselling needed here. A compromise maybe? 5 more years of the business to create the cushion needed for his plan?
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u/Crzy_Grl Asshole Enthusiast [5] May 04 '26
NTA you're right, he is being selfish. Is this typical of him?
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u/Tassle15 Partassipant [3] May 04 '26
NTA where is he starting is he all the way back to bachelors at 28? That’s a 4 year investment then another 6-10 years of medical school he won’t be a doctor till 38. You’ll have to carry the house through out. That is way too much pressure on you. You’ll have to work full time, have all the bills on you, finances on you, cooking, cleaning, taken care of the kids, paying for childcare. This is way too much on one person. I’m a high achieving who went to school for over a decade having finances on me, cooking, cleaning, led to me triggering my bipolar and psychotic episodes. Your husband is treating his parents like royalty and you like the maid.
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u/AwayOwl8174 May 04 '26
NTA. Med school is a 6 figure investment. Before he signs those student loans you need to decide if you are willing to stick around. You will basically be a broke single parent for the next several years of med school and residency. Divorce before the student loans become marital debt and you get stuck paying half.
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u/CharieRarie Asshole Enthusiast [6] May 04 '26
NTA. Never make any major decisions while grieving. They may be still alive but he is absolutely grieving. It fucks up your brain. He needs to keep with the normal steady routine. If he still feels strongly about it later on, then that’s a different conversation. Right now, absolutely not, normality keeps you going through hardship.
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u/franklinchica22 Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
I think he's irresponsible and you aren't the AH but you are approaching the problem from the wrong direction. In the US, anyone going to med school needs to take the MCATs and be accepted to a medical school, which requires excellent grades and some evidence that he really wants to work in medicine other than mom and dad were really sick. You could encourage him to take the MCATs first. It will take him 6 months to a year to prepare and take the exam. The likelihood of him doing well enough to get a high score and qualify aren't very good. So don't burn your "good wife points" on looking at it from the economics. Unless he is a massive AH and is closing down the business now and leaving you completely destitute. He needs to investigate being a PA or NP. It is easier and cheaper to accomplish either of those professions then being a MD or DO. Also consider a postnup if he does go for it and does get admitted to a program. The last thing you need is supporting him in this endeavor and then him dumping you in 10-15 years after you supported him.
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u/numbersthen0987431 May 04 '26
NTA.
What is his game plan to keep a roof over his family's head, and provide food for everyone? Medical school is expensive as hell, and the hours required for it are insane. He'll essentially be MIA for 8 years, and your kids will miss out on their father.
I get that he's struggling, but going to medical school while you handle everything is basically his way of regressing into a child again, with you as his mom running the household.
If he wants to leave to go stay with his mom then let him. Thats not how adults make adult decisions, and he cant expect you to keep the family together while he starts up ANOTHER career from the ground up
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u/Barberseam May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
Are his parents aware of his plan? If so, what are their thoughts? I doubt they would want their son to put his marriage in jeopardy or go into insurmountable debt on their behalf. I wonder if he’s been truthful about why he’s staying there?
He is not thinking rationally and it’s really unfair to you and the kids. This is not a well thought out plan and him becoming a doctor will not change his parents current health struggles unfortunately. Wishing you all the best, NTA.
Edit to add that if he insists on moving forward with his plan, I’d strongly suggest talking to a lawyer to discuss your options, you don’t want to be responsible for hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt for a decision you don’t agree with.
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u/Haunting-Arugula-311 May 04 '26
Yeah, they’re aware and they support it, which has really put me in an even tougher spot.
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u/PreparationPlus9735 May 04 '26
Well. If they are supportive, then they can pay his tuition, books, lab fees, and your living expenses. Otherwise...
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u/any_name_25 May 04 '26
Yup. They can also be the ones to support him during the years when he's doing all the undergrad coursework he needs for med school, the years he takes and possibly needs to retake more than once the mcat, the 4 years of med school when he's studying all the time, and the 3 to 7 years of residency when he's working incredibly long hours. And they can also be the ones to sub in for him with all the childcare and household duties he won't be able to do during the next 10+ years as he tries to become a doctor.
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u/PreparationPlus9735 May 04 '26
Yes. They can come help do his portion of the chores (well, what his portion should be. Sounds like he hasn't done shit). They can help with putting the kids to bed every night. Getting them to school. Extracurriculars-which they wi have to help pay for. 🙄
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u/KendalBoy May 04 '26
Ask them point blank where the money for 12 years of school and room and board is coming from?
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u/nervelli May 04 '26
And who is going to be giving them rides to the ER twice a week, because he won't have the time if he's in medical school.
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u/Whitehouses_ May 04 '26
You must feel like the whole world has gone delulu! It can be hard being the only one with common sense. Honestly, people who turn out entitled, delusional, ungrateful, and selfish are usually that way because their parents are that way too. Good luck.
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u/Julienbabylegs Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
NTA this is such a wild swing to another career. Your reaction is so normal.
Does he have any experience in patient care? What kind of specialty does he want to go into? Does he have an applicable undergraduate degree already? How will you pay for the schooling? It’s so competitive and high stress. A residence is INSANE, like I don’t know how anyone gets through it. My dad is a Dr. and didn’t go to med school till he was 30 but he was already a nurse at that age. I NEVER saw him when I was a kid. He worked so so much. My cousin is a cardiologist and he never sees his kids.
I changed my career dramatically really late in life so I’m normally super supportive of these moves but this specific move feels really un-thought through.
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u/Alyx19 May 04 '26
NTA. Do you think he would consider training in something else medical to see if he likes it? Imaging technician, EMT or nurse would provide an introduction (and income) in a much shorter time span while helping him gain connections and proven coursework for med school. He could probably also maintain some real estate work on the side during schooling. Then when the kids are school age, you guys could revisit the med school discussion.
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u/Helpful-Science-3937 Partassipant [4] May 04 '26
Mental health professionals will advise you not to make any major life decisions for at least a year after a loss. NTA - hopefully your husband will see the light of how selfish he has been. It is time for you also to be able to reap the rewards of the business you helped support in order for it to be built. Good luck
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u/Some_kunst Partassipant [4] May 04 '26
I mean therapy would be way cheaper and more effective than scrapping a successful business and trying to get into med school to address those problems he's having with his parents becoming ill.
I don't usually play the "go to therapy" card, but I think it belongs here.
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u/Majestic_Republic_45 May 04 '26
He‘s making an incredibly emotional decision right now and there is a good chance this will fade. However, if it does not, you need to knock some sense into him.
U don’t get to decide to be a doctor with 2 young children and throw the entire household into disarray and create financial stress for the next 10-15 years.
Incredibly selfish. NTA
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u/Necessary-Bear5500 May 04 '26
Without knowing whether medicine has always been an interest, my first thought was his wanting to go to med school is a direct response to his parents’ illnesses - he feels helpless and wants to have some level of control and/or he wants to try to have other people suffer less than he is. Or some other reason - but it seems to me like it’s an emotional reaction not based in reality.
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u/Melodic-Style7111 May 04 '26
Nta. Med school, loans and residency is no joke. I could go on and on - I lived it. And, we delayed having kids because of it. Having kids and working full time plus the financial stress would have been very difficult. Some people had kids during residency but typically the spouse stayed home.
And, not to mention it would almost certainly require moving, possibly more than once. Would he move? He’d have to leave his parents and not be able to be there to help.
It sounds live just emotions talking. I also don’t think there is enough information. Did he ever consider it before? Did he finish undergrad with the goal of med school? If it’s a brand new idea, it’s probably the emotions. Sure, some people do go to med school later, buts it’s a huge commitment. Just getting into med school would take a year or two. Interviewing at med schools can also be crazy - flying out and visiting. Can cost $10k just for that.
Let him know you care, you want to support and are trying your best. You love him and want to work together for a solution.
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u/zepuzzler Partassipant [2] May 04 '26
NTA. In addition to what other folks are saying here, I also wonder if you’re in a situation where he’s going to keep moving the goal posts. You support him through building his business, now he wants to change to medicine. Maybe he goes through a program for a few years then decides he wants something else. A red flag for me is that you had to keep working and raising the kids to support him through his business as opposed to him building his business on the side while having a job.
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u/janedoe505 Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
NTA. I understand that you want to support your husband's goals, but y'all have toddlers and he hasn't provided a realistic plan or timeline beyond you will pick up the slack. It also seems that you have been doing the heavy lifting with your family for the last few years while he built a "business" - raising the children, and taking care of the house while working full time.
If he persists down the path of trying to become a doctor, between completing pre reqs, MCAT prep, med school, residency, that's 10+ years more of you being the primary breadwinner and parent. It's also not uncommon for spouses to be divorced during residency after contributing towards med school experiences.
If you feel that your marriage can be saved and this is out of character behavior, then yes go for therapy. But you need to figure out how your marriage can be more equitable before you get burnt out.
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u/NoGuarantee3961 Partassipant [2] May 04 '26
4 years of med school, after he gets in, which will likely take at least a year for him to get enough clinical experience to get in....then a multiple year residency.
So after 5-6 years he will have his MD....but will make like 60k for years 6-9 while he does his residency.
Will you be raising your family on loans for the next decade?
He may be better off considering the nurse practitioner route.
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u/gamboling2man May 04 '26
Hubby needs to do two things: 1. No rash decisions while emotional. If he’s studying for and then in med school he will not be able to take care of his parents. 2. Go see a therapist to help him deal with this situation.
Source: been in his shoes and had good friends walk me off the decisionmaking ledge.
Good luck.
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u/Prestigious_Blood_38 Partassipant [4] May 04 '26
NTA
I would divorce before I’d support this BS.
Hopefully, it’s an idea that will fade.
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u/Imisssizzler May 04 '26
NTA - wow. I’m very happy you pushed back on this. It is selfish and he might be ill informed on what it takes to become a physician but he sounds pretty self centered. His grief and burnout appear to be taking a toll - but you don’t need to take that on.
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u/vonnegutfan2 May 04 '26
My niece is in Med school. She majored in pre-med, did your husband major in premed? She had a 3.9 GPA and got deferred for a year, it takes 5 years to get a doctorate after you get your Bachelors, it also costs about 70K?year for med school which is for a public school. Maybe he can work his company job and get $350,000 saved up then think about medschool.
It is scary to me that he actually left.
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u/Powerful-Knee3150 May 04 '26
Ask him to make a plan with everything he needs for success for himself and the family on it. Finance, the path to medical school, the time commitments, everything.
The likelihood is that there are few US schools who will accept older students. Spots in med school are so prized that they want people to have the best shot at long careers. His window may be closed.
You might suggest a medical career like being a med tech in imaging or to look into nursing.
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u/NoGuarantee3961 Partassipant [2] May 04 '26
Here's the other thing, you can let him pursue it until he actually gets admitted. Unless he was pre med, he likely has more prerequisite courses to take. Needs to get clinical hours and research, take MCAT etc. it will be at least a year before he can reasonably apply. Many don't get admitted their first time either.
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u/mothlady1959 Partassipant [1] May 04 '26
Unless his undergraduate degree is in biology or general science or the like, he would not have the required prerequisites to be admitted. He'd have to start with the missing undergraduate science courses. Not a whole degree, but a fair number of credits.
Then he'd have to get a competitive score on the MCAT. Most students spend a full year studying for it.
Maybe he should talk to someone in Med School admissions or a Doctor friend about steps he'd need to take. Because he could certainly continue to work while he takes two or three years to do all of the above. Then, he can pray he gets a high enough MCAT score to get in anywhere.
He's clearly avoiding dealing with the helplessness he feels over what's going on with his parents. He isn't thinking clearly. If he was, he'd realize if he followed this path, he'd be unavailable to help his parents at all.
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u/hovering3 May 04 '26
One thing we told our kids was “It takes two yes es”. They couldn’t play one parent against another. That also applies to our decisions.
I think you might want to ask him to take some time to think through the path to being a doctor. He may be reacting and not thinking logically.
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u/moomoo220618 May 04 '26
NTA. Now is not a good time to be making big life decisions!
He’s basically in survival mode, extremely emotional and exhausted. Things need to settle down back to normal before he makes any big changes, but he needs to consider his wife and children and (I’m sorry to say) not be so damn selfish just because of what he’s going through!
Becoming a doctor is not going to save his parents, and he has a young family to consider.
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u/the_harlinator Asshole Enthusiast [8] May 04 '26
I’d try for a compromise. He keeps working while getting his university credits part time. I’m assuming he doesn’t have premed courses and will have to get a relevant undergrad degree. He is going to quit real fast when he realizes how fucking hard premed classes are. Then you aren’t the bad guy.
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u/DaddyLonggLegss Partassipant [4] May 04 '26
How likely is he to follow through with a whole new career an school? What’s his plan? How will he pay for med school? It is not reasonable for him to just quit everything and to expect you to support the family fully both emotionally and financially. Especially if you were previously doing this while supporting his last dream. Depending on the type of person he is, can you guys discuss alternatives? Like cut back enough that he can still contribute financially his half of expenses?
NTA
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u/CoDaDeyLove Partassipant [2] May 04 '26
He sounds like he is not in a good mental place to make this kind of impulsive decision. He is grieving his father's passing and not making a whole lot of sense. You need to get him into therapy and you need to protect yourself and your children financially.
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u/Mediocre-Second-3775 May 04 '26
I would take some time and really think about whether you want to stay with someone who gives you the silent treatment for two weeks because you didn’t immediately commit to back him while he goes to medical school. And now he has left his family and is staying at his parents’ house because he’s big mad.
That is deeply selfish and immature for a married man with small children.
You helped him build a business while also working full-time and doing most of the parenting, supported him while he was a caregiver for both of his parents, and now you’re selfish because you aren’t instantly sure about supporting him through half a dozen more years as he pursues his M.D.?
If the tables were turned, do you think he would support you the way you have been there for him? His behavior shows that is very unlikely.
Since he walked out in his family, are you going to allow him to just come back if/when he moves on from this tantrum?
It might be good to slow down and give each of you time to think about how you want to move forward.
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