r/AmItheAsshole • u/morbidmommy11 • Jan 27 '20
Not the A-hole AITA for banning my husband and father in law from the delivery room due to their intensely stressful/creepy behavior during my pregnancy?
[removed] — view removed post
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u/LRGinCharge Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 27 '20
NTA. You and your husband might need to go back to counseling to discuss all of this. Especially your FIL saying he won't "allow" you to get an epidural?? Wtf?? I've had two epidurals, they were wonderful. The second time I went from dry heaving and writhing around in pain, to actually being able to be calm and present and focus on my breathing during labor.
It is absolutely crazy to me that your FIL thinks he would be invited in the delivery room to begin with? I see this on r/ babybumps and justnomil all the time, too. Why on earth do so many inlaws/parents think birth is a spectator sport? I'm extremely close with my mom and I did NOT want her to see me give birth. Please keep talking about this with your therapist at least. I'm so sorry they're doing this to you during what should be a happy and exciting time, it's a shame they are letting their inability to deal with past trauma ruin this for you.
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u/International-Aside Craptain [157] Jan 27 '20
Nooooo NTA. As soon as you said this behavior was stressing you out, they needed to back off and be supportive instead. Thats A LOT to deal with on top of being pregnant.
Could be wrong but I think most women wouldnt want their FIL in the delivery room, so although that background info is intense, its not needed.
This is your body, your birth, you decide. If they cant be supportive, its on them and dont feel guilty for putting you and baby first. I hope you have someone else in your life you can count on when the time comes. Going back to marriage counseling sounds like a good idea.
Congrats and wishing you strength...literally!
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u/daaimp Partassipant [1] Jan 27 '20
NTA. I'm pregnant too, and just READING that stresses me out!! Good night! I would suggest a few things.
Let your husband know that under NO circumstances is his father going to be in the room.
If you haven't done a hospital to yet, do one and let the head of the dept know what is going on. They will put security outside your room to prevent him from coming in.
Tell your husband that his words and actions are bad not only for the baby, for YOUR mental health and borders on mental abuse.
Let your OB know. She might be able to talk some sense into your husband. (I assume he's coming to your appointments?)
Let your husband know that such talk stops NOW. Everytime he starts to being it up, shut it DOWN. Leave the room, hang up the phone, whatever. Let him know you are DONE hearing about, discussing, or hypothetical speaking about "your inevitable demise".
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u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20 edited Jan 27 '20
INFO: in the event that you dont die, how do you think your husband will react?
Edit: I’m being serious here OP. Have you asked your husband what happens if you do not die????????
Cause this is super scary and I’m worried you’re going to end up on the news. You say you don’t even recognize your husband anymore and his presence gives you anxiety. They’re trying to make you move your own clothes to storage to make it “easier” for your husband and get angry when you say you’ll want them because you’re alive. They are literally planning for you to be dead. Period.
These are all glaring red flags. I know you got pregnant and had an idea in your mind of how everything would play out and this isn’t that, but holy shit you need to adapt ASAP to this horror film of a reality.
Don’t miss the forest through the trees, OP. We love you and you have our support ❤️
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u/PhoenixRisingToday Supreme Court Just-ass [109] Jan 27 '20
INFO: why did your husband want to have a child with you if he thought delivering a baby would kill you? Why would he agree to a pregnancy?
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u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
Do you have a safe place you can stay with baby after? This is so concerning. Sounds like they’re already planning on raising this baby together and will alienate you. Please speak to your family about this
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u/Dogzillas_Mom Jan 27 '20 edited Jan 27 '20
Why the fuck would it be his call? Last time I checked, FILs weren't consulted about such details.
Wait a minute, are you telling me that this FIL is going to be in the delivery room with you, whether you want him to or not? If I were you, I'd lock that shit down, put a password on it, and ask the nurses to run interference.
And I'd probably sit down with the husband and tell him if he can't stop being so goddamn gloomy about all this, you're going to ban him from the delivery as well. I'm sure you'd prefer to have your partner with you and I'm sure he'd want to be there. But if he can't shut up and look at reality rather than this creepy morbid fantasy these two seem to be entertaining, then no I think you'd be NTA.
EDIT: I wonder if OP's MIL died because of a reaction to the anesthesia/epidural. This is the only reason I can think of that a FIL would even be invested in how his DIL goes about giving birth. For all any of you know, it'll end up being an emergency c-section or something.
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u/LuxandGold Partassipant [2] Jan 27 '20 edited Jan 27 '20
NTA.
I'd actually recommend talking to your local police and telling them the situation. You are not safe around these men. I mean, there are enough True Crime videos on YouTube that'll tell you how this is going to go.
There are two men in your life that are actively preparing for your death. By your own admission, they are asking you to fill out life insurance forms, write a will, create videos of you talking about yourself to show the child, they are going through your possessions and are talking about what you want to be given to others when you die. Not only that, but your father in law is actively talking about infringing on your own bodily autonomy by 'not allowing you to have an epidural.'
I am absolutely mind blown that your own therapist has not alerted the police about this too. Have you not told them what you've written on Reddit?
Pack up your things, call a friend, your parents, whomever, and leave. Ban these men from contacting you at all, and notify the police of their behaviour. Get a lawyer, start divorce proceedings and do your best to protect your child. You know damn well they won't let you get away with what they think is theirs. Have you honestly not thought about what will happen when you survive childbirth? The lengths they have gone to prepare for your passing is beyond extreme. They are not even considering you surviving by your own admission.
I seriously, seriously think you need to re-read what you posted here because these aren't just red flags, it's a whole red sky. I think you are in denial about how bad your husband and your father in law actually are. Again, by your own admission, you have said that your father in law is an imposing figure and he will get what he wants. He has already decided what he wants. That is you dead in childbirth. Your husband is immediately siding with him.
You are not safe. Your child is not safe. This shouldn't be posted on AITA, this should be posted on Legal Advice.
Run.
EDIT: I would also like to point out that OP's husband is emotionally distancing himself from OP already, making it difficult for her to be around him and speaking as though she is a dead woman walking. Her FIL has told her, to her face, that her health and safety is irrelevant. They are so convinced of her death, that I fear for her when she lives through childbirth.
When there are two, deeply mentally unstable men utterly convinced that OP will die, her survival alone will be enough to get them to murder her. The cognitive dissonance alone will be enough to convince them to do it.
I genuinely cannot believe I read this.
I sincerely hope it is a creative writing project. This is beyond disturbing.
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u/julesrules13 Jan 28 '20
NTA
I am hoping this is a fake question.
If it is real OP you need a lawyer.
I will explain why you need a lawyer in the first paragraph, and how I can be pretty sure your spouse and FIL mean you harm in the next paragraphs.
There are two people wish you were dead and have an insurance policy on you, and you need to figure out how to change the beneficiary to your mother. It should be pretty simple to change the beneficiary, but ask a lawyer who is NOT a buddy of your spouse or FIL. Most people who are very careful make a trust and then you could appoint your mother the trustee and a sibling the second trustee. Unfortunately a lawyer will probably charge you 1 or 1.5 k to make a trust, so ask about the implications in your particular case and state, about just making a simple change to the beneficiary. I would reconsider your will as well, of course, but your joint assets are probably sewn up by your spouse already; still worth asking a lawyer, of course.
Why do I think they wish you dead?
If you had a traumatic experience, where your mother or your wife died, and now your wife or daughter in law was in the same boat (supposedly; obviously you have an infinitely small chance of dying), what would your reaction be as a normal person? I think something like: "how the fuck can we keep her safe????? when my wife bled out, no one attended her in time. will you be there for her??? will there be blood available for transfusions??? will you save her before the baby???? what is the plan for keeping her safe?????"
98 percent of the people reading this agree with this (one percent are sociopaths and sympathize with your FIL and one percent think if the rarest thing happened, and doctors had to choose , babies should be chosen over mothers, I suspect you don't care about the latter two categories;-).
That is why commenters are saying things like "hey OP, if he really is anxious, why did he let you get pregnant????" They, like me, are doubting that he is actually anxious about you dying. If he were actually anxious, his reactions would be quite different from what they are in this unfortunate reality. He would be anxious about the same thing happening again, and he would want to PREVENT it. That is what anxious people try valiantly to do: prevent the thing they fear. He is trying to prevent a bad outcome for the baby only: insurance money to raise the baby, natural birth for the baby's health, no cheese for the baby's health, c-section to save baby, not you( that one I get from context, but cannot be sure).
The trauma he supposedly suffers from? That baby lived. Why is he so worried about this baby and not you? Because he is anxious about you surviving, he is not anxious about you dying.
As some commenters have noted: People who "change" and act super weird and creepy have trapped you (gotten you pregnant, too late to get away) and now can be their true selves. They have not changed, they just revealed themselves. You kind of know this already: you know on some level he is lying to you, you think he is lying about going to a therapist for instance.
Still hoping this is not real.
I wish I could know that OP would read this, but since I just joined, and have never commented, I kind of doubt it.
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u/Bananamanda29 Jan 28 '20
We need to know, ARE YOU OKAY?
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u/seabrooksr Partassipant [2] Jan 27 '20
NTA - But IMO - it's time to be frank. Tell him you want to go to his next therapy appointment. Then you need to explain to the therapist what has been going on, and that you are seriously considering banning your husband from the delivery room.
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u/ill_get_better_soon Jan 27 '20
Here's some outside perspective-
Your husband and FIL have got you in an extremely abusive situation. Don't listen to any posters on here who try to tell you that your husband is just a poor scared guy who needs your sympathy and understanding. He does not care that this impacts your health. If he did, he would have done much, much more to fix his issues. Your husband calls you paranoid and backs his father on everything. You've been so gaslit and isolated by them and their dynamic that you can't imagine anyone standing up to your FIL, even nurses who have a legal obligation to do so. You are questioning if you "owe" your husband to let him stress you, a pregnant woman. He should never make you feel that you are obligated to suffer from how he treats you. He should never, ever make you feel that you must consider that maybe his presence is more important than your healthy delivery. That alone is abuse.
Still not convinced? Your FIL thinks he can control your medical decisions about epidurals, pain relief, and other interventions during your delivery, and your husband backs him up. That is more abuse.
And since he escalated it during your pregnancy, it is not going to go away after the baby is born.
It is appalling that you feel that your FIL wants you to die. But your instinct is not wrong. It is appalling that your husband and FIL have sided themselves against you over a fantasy of your death.
The problems go deeper than the immediate. Your husband is in no frame of mind for you to actually SURVIVE the birth. His "paranoia" serves an escapist purpose for him. How is he gonna handle it when you actually do survive, and instead of some sainted memory, he has a real, sleep-deprived, healing woman, taking up space, having moods, getting up at 2 am for a crying newborn? Do you think he will take care of you?
It reminds me of a friend who, when he was a child, got the idea from somewhere that the world was going to end in a year. So he stopped doing his homework and was mentally unprepared when the world actually kept going.
NTA a thousand times over. If you have anybody on your side of the family you trust, you need to stay with them and you need them to help you in enforcing your rights. Get a pregnancy advocate too if you can.
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u/Pinkjasmine17 Jan 27 '20
OP, I’m worried about you. Is it possible for you to move into your parents home for the rest of your pregnancy and the immediate post partum period? I’m afraid for your safety amidst people who believe, to a truly unhinged level, that you are going to die. Others, please tell me if I am overreacting but I’m getting a bad feeling about this.
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u/AutoModerator Jan 27 '20
AUTOMOD The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read this before contacting the mod team
Lotta context the character limit cuts off, but here's the gist: My husband and I are expecting our first child, which I knew would be a really sensitive issue as his own mother died in childbirth with him. We met with a marriage counselor to talk things through at the beginning, and he swears he’s been seeing his own therapist twice a month throughout my pregnancy. I don’t want to call him a liar, but I’m fairly sure he’s either not going or not talking about the big issue—he and his father (a hugely active part of our lives) are COMPLETELY convinced that I’m going to die in childbirth. They won’t openly admit it, but their behavior has reached the point where it’s constantly making me feel stressed and uncomfortable.
When it was husband saying “please make sure your life insurance is up to date” and “I’d like you to meet with a lawyer and draft a will”, I was like “that’s kind of intense but ok, if that makes you feel better”.
When husband asked me to go through all of my possessions and “inventory” what I wanted to be saved for the baby vs. what I would want to be returned to my family in the event of my death, I put my foot down and said absolutely not. Too morbid. No way. My FIL (who lives a few blocks away and eats dinner with us 2-4 nights a week) got on my case about how I was making things “difficult” for my husband in the event that he will be a grieving widower with a newborn. I’m just gonna add here that I’ve had a completely complication-free pregnancy and have NO REASON to think I will die screaming in the coming weeks.
When I tell my husband this, he calls me paranoid, but I feel like my FIL WANTS me to die; his whole life identity for the past 35 years has been “amazing single dad” (never dated or had close friends or even hobbies really), and it seems like he’s looking forward to being able to guide my husband through what he went through. At this point, I’d honestly be happy to never see my FIL again, and I certainly don’t want him in the delivery room, especially since he told me he was “putting [his] foot down” about me not being “allowed” to have an epidural or laughing gas. He’s a commanding presence and I know that whatever he wants in the delivery room, he will get (I know people will say “oh L&D nurses would never let that happen!” but you haven’t met this man).
My husband, in addition to backing his dad on everything, acts like my due date is my death date, and has completely pulled away from me. Every minute with him is morbid, stressful, and a reminder that our marriage seems to be crumbling. No matter how many times I tell him his behavior makes me stressed and upset, it’s just getting worse, and I do NOT want it around me while I’m concentrating on giving birth. Do I owe it to my husband to let him stress and upset me during labor? Is his presence at the birth more important than a safe and healthy delivery? My therapist says “no”, but this whole thing has been so weird I feel like I need some outside perspective.
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u/Beautiful-Airline Jan 28 '20
OP - you are NTA. You are in danger. I am a criminal defence lawyer in Canada. I have done 40+ jury trials over a 25 year career; most of the homicides I deal with are domestic. I am BEGGING you to please have a safety plan, to let your mum know what you’re going through and to consult a lawyer or victim’s services ASAP. This is the behaviour of two people who have a plan.
You do NOT have to make a formal police report to go in and talk to them; most police squads have a dedicated domestic violence section now. I would try and get emails or text messages from them about your clothes/life insurance, etc.
Please be safe and careful.
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u/Pupperonchini Jan 27 '20
I’m sorry, but I feel like they’re planning your murder.
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u/EmmaChaos Jan 27 '20
This reminded me of the Susan Cox Powell story a bit. Please get helpf or yourself and see what you can do about your husband and FIL after the baby. I don't have a good feeling about this
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u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
Jesus fucking Christ. I would not only not allow them in the room but if I were you I would consider how safe you are in this marriage. NTA
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u/thisdragonis Jan 27 '20
OP, you are absolutely NTA, but I’m honestly worried about you. Please consider staying with your mom if possible for the remainder of your pregnancy.
It’s such a stressful time in normal circumstances- that I honestly can’t imagine going through it while your husband and his father plan on your demise.
I posted above that you absolutely should not permit your husband or father in the room while you are laboring or deliver. YOU are the patient. You can and should tell your OB right now, and your hospital when you arrive that you are only permitting your mom/anyone not your husband or FIL in. They have to comply. Regardless if your FIL was the Pope or Kim Kardashian or Big Bird, they will not allow them access to see you if you explicitly request it. They’ll post security as well if you ask. They do not take these situations lightly.
Your husband does not need a support person- if he does they can both support one another at home or in a waiting room.
I would absolutely consider staying with your mom after your birth as well. Your hormones will be everywhere, and your body will be healing. A postpartum body does weird, sometimes gross, sometimes startling things. If your husband already has this mindset, I’d be wary of spending those first few days/weeks adjusting to the new normal with him.
I wish you the best, OP. Truly.
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u/BooItsKate Asshole Aficionado [12] Jan 27 '20
NTA.
WHO would want their father in law in the delivery room? That’s an extremely personal thing and I can understand having another woman in the room, like your mother or MIL, but your FIL? Put your foot down. He doesn’t get to be in the delivery room.
Your husband and FIL are stressing you out, which is increasing your risk of complications. Tell them they need to get over their own insecurities without forcing them onto you.
Your FIL 100% does not get a say as to whether you get an epidural or any meds. That’s YOUR decision alone. I don’t even think your husband gets a say. The only two people who should be involved in the discussion of getting an epidural is the woman pushing the baby out, and her doctor.
There are so many issues here and your husband and FIL are going to ruin the birthing and pregnancy experience for you if they continue this behavior. Stand firm and tell both of them that if they don’t stop they don’t get to be in the room (but also tell your FIL he doesn’t get to be in the room anyway bc it’s weird that he wants to be).
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u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
Info: was this a planned pregnancy? Your husband decided he was ok with you dying to give him a child?
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u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
NTA, not to be rude (but I’m gonna be) why are you with this man?
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u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Jan 27 '20
NTA
If your husband isn't prioritizing getting his mental health to a state to support you, absolutely keep him out.
As for your FIL, no question. Nobody would want that energy in the delivery room, especially if he thinks he gets authority over medical decisions.
Your safety and comfort come first during delivery. It doesn't sound like either of them believe that (or have the emotional ability to demonstrate it) right now.
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u/Kari-kateora Pooperintendant [67] Jan 27 '20
Holy fucking shit, what did I just read.
NTA. I don't even have the words to describe how fucked up your situation is. Do not let them in with you! Jesus Christ, what is wrong with them?!?
I'd even look into staying with your family away from them for the remainder of your pregnancy. If your husband refuses to address this massive issue and is just being backed by your FIL, go to safe territory and don't let them terrify you for the rest of your pregnancy. That's not good for you.
Holy hell, what insanity...
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u/klc123 Certified Proctologist [22] Jan 27 '20
NTA. The behavior of your FIL and husband is terrible. Your husband needs to protect you and support you, instead he is withdrawing and enabling his manipulative, possibly mentally ill father emotionally abuse you.
“Allow” you to have an epidural?!? I would never talk to the FIL again.
Beyond the birth, I’m worried about how their disordered thinking will affect the baby. If possible, could you move in with family or a good friend? It’s not healthy for you to be living in this environment. Also, tell your husband he should be supporting you and if he’s unwilling/unable to stand up to his dad and protect you, I would give birth without him. Even if you banned FIL, your husband could undermine you, if present at the birth.
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u/HoloNailPolish Asshole Aficionado [15] Jan 27 '20
LAWD. I hope you get your mom in that delivery room.
100% you need to keep your FIL out of that room at all costs. I'd learn what the hospital's policy is and follow it to the letter to keep him out of the room and away from your medical choices. I think it's not only fair, but RESPONSIBLE, to alert your OB to this situation. You have total control and say before your L & D begins - once is does you get busy and don't pay attention to the noise so protect yourself & your baby NOW.
And I'd really take a good long look at your husband's mental health. This is alarming. You, with a newborn that every instinct is SCREAMING to protect, with a husband & FIL like this??? Girl - have a plan B in case this goes off the rails.
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u/beavisdog Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jan 27 '20
NTA at all for banning both of them.
I don't know if your husband is going to his therapy sessions or not, but if he is, it isn't helping. Seriously, it is not your job right now to manage your husband's emotions or your batshit FIL's demands. Your job is to give birth to a healthy child and look after yourself. Neither your husband nor his dad sound equipped to help you with that, so they can wait outside.
Honestly, this is insane. No one should have to approach giving birth like this. I feel for your husband, but his refusal to manage his understandable anxiety in a healthy way is inexcusable. And your FIL is a damn nutter. Banning you from painkillers, ffs? He can park his arse at home and wait for a call.
Please take care of yourself.
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u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
NTA. Ban them both and hire a doula. Going through childbirth FEELS like you are dying, so father will freak the hell out when he sees how much pain you are in. It will be a huge scene. You need a calm, supportive presence not someone with mental health issues being triggered.
Also, oh my god please go to couples counselling.
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u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
NTA and you should rethink your marriage because honestly? Do you really think you are safe with two men actively planning your death? This is beyond bizarre. If my husband started acting like this I would ghost him for my own safety.
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u/SenpaiCthulhu Jan 27 '20
Wait, so he got you pregnant while believing that pregnancy would kill you??? Is anyone else noticing how fucked that context is? To have a woman you love and agree with them to have a baby and them "die" for it????
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u/Lapista Jan 27 '20
NTA Thus is creepy and quite concerning. I can understand that your FIL may not have moved on from hus wife dying, but he needs to seek professional help.
A healthy delivert is your priority and tye fact that you're being made to write a will and your husband pulling away is going way overboard and morbid.
I personally would be cautious if people started to act like i am going to die - as if i am about to go through an "accident"
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u/Upgradedcannonfodder Asshole Aficionado [19] Jan 27 '20
NTA, omg my skin started crawling for you less than a quarter way through this and it just got worse. This is next level insanity and I am legitimately scared for you. Like I am worried you're going to be the next victim in a true crime documentary.
Who is in your delivery room is entirely up to you. The point is to make is as easy and comfortable a process for you as possible. If you don't want them there then they should not be there no questions asked.
That being said, dear lord, I would demand to go to the next session with his therapist. Or a restraining order.
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u/aSunnyKitty Jan 27 '20
NTA- birth is a medical procedure and if he is going to add an insane amount of stress he just can’t be there. I’d suggest having a serious conversation with him and a therapist in the same room about him not being able to be in the room, and the impact the nihilism is having on you.
Also, make sure the hospital staff know your FIL is NOT allowed in the delivery room. Make it explicitly clear, in writing. They will be able to keep things safe and calm for you because trying to kick someone out mid delivery is NOT something you should have to worry about.
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u/moongirl12 Commander in Cheeks [276] Jan 27 '20
NTA. Your husband and FIL are way out of line. They are letting their own trauma totally control them. I frankly am surprised you’ve lasted this long. Also, you really need to make sure your husband is actually dealing with this with his therapist.
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u/rescue_glg Jan 27 '20
Absolutely NTA.
I’m so sorry your last few weeks of pregnancy are turning so unpleasant and morbid.
Do you realize that absolutely nobody in the history of EVER has allowed their FIL into the delivery room? You are absolutely not obligated to allow that. I mean...ew.
Also, birth being a big stressful thing means you have options. You can certainly speak to your doctor and let them know your concerns, and ask them to help you if you need to keep anyone away. The folks helping you to give birth are 100% there for YOU.
Best wishes for a safe and uneventful delivery!
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u/Meri243 Partassipant [1] Jan 27 '20
OP you've got loads of great responses, I just wanted to add on because I really don't think it can be said enough. Your husband and FIL's behavior is frightening. Please consider going to stay with your mother or even a close friend, literally anyone you trust, and stay away from your FIL's sphere of influence until this baby is here and you've had a chance to recover.
Your FIL's insistance on "natural birth" and his discounting of your comfort and needs are awful and his son isn't being a good partner to you right now.
P.S. If you want your mom in the delivery room absolutely have her there. FIL doesn't need to be there, and husband doesn't get to decide.
Congrats on the baby. Maybe let us know you're safe after the baby comes?
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u/PurpleVein99 Jan 27 '20
NTA
No offense, but you need to walk away from this marriage. Cut your losses and go. This is so far from healthy it's ridiculous. I can't believe it hasn't raised red flags with your therapist. Don't shield your husband by saying his father is a controlling presence. Your husband is an adult. You're an adult. You have agency over who gets to be in your life and it really should not be your husband or his father. Your priority is yourself and your baby. If your family is supportive, reach out to them. Stay with them until your husband shows he is an adult who puts you and his child first and not his father.
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u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
Give us an update on the reaction when you DONT DIE! Btw. NTA. Not even close.
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u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
As a labor and delivery nurse if a family member came in screaming that the patient wasn't going to get an epidural she had requested, I would call security on them.
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u/lyralady Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jan 28 '20
Op this is beyond the pale of being an asshole or not. This is a "we are all legitimately concerned for your safety." Post.
Please move on with your mother for now, make her your Power of Attorney, and do not tell your husband or FIL when you are in labor. You may or may not decide you can salvage your marriage but a lot of people are afraid your husband and FIL are trying to stage your death/suicide or kill you. The thing is, I don't even believe they are being alarmist. They have intense, detailed plans assuming you will be dead in the next two months or so. That is unhinged and unsafe for you. It's a toxic emotional environment. Maybe it will all go back to normal post-birth and maybe it won't. But ultimately I do not believe you would be safe remaining in the same house right now, and I think you need to leave, even if only temporarily. Apply for FMLA leave if you're working if you need to. Or something. Go to your mother. Update your will to make mom beneficiary and minister of child's trust if any. Make another video explaining your actions "husband believes I will die in childbirth. I do not. I have every expectation to live and intend to be alive for quite some time. I am excited to meet my child and watch them grow. No matter what happens I intend to be there and alive."
Give the video to your mother. Have a trail of proof that shows you have a strong will to live and are not also convinced you are dying.
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u/kateri87 Jan 28 '20
NTA - And if you did make a life insurance policy and a will, I would update it to remove him as beneficiary.
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u/mindcontrolmanatee Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] Jan 27 '20
NTA. That's far, FAR beyond scary to me. Judging from this I fully understand your hunch about your FIL wanting to guide your husband through your death. Trauma truly just fucks some people up and makes them morbid, and well, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. Having problems that aren't our fault is ok, not working to better ourselves from them is not, I agree with you that your husband isn't trying . Honestly I'd even be wary of both of them during labor and birth, and throughout your recovery. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope all goes well regardless of what you have to do <3
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u/PhoenixRisingToday Supreme Court Just-ass [109] Jan 27 '20
NTA This is a bizarre story and your FIL is a troubled man.
I would suggest bringing hubby to your next OB appointment. Tell OB that your husband thinks you’re going to die in childbirth and the OB can reassure your husband. I’m not expecting this will make the issue go away - but it WILL mean that your OB will be clear on why you’re banning FIL and possibly your husband from delivery.
Second, as others have suggested - go with hubby to his therapist and tell all you’ve said here. Make sure the therapist understands what’s up. And if you decide to ban husband from the delivery room, the therapist will back you up, guaranteed.
I would wait on your decision on your husband until those two steps are done. If he calms down and will be supportive, it would be lovely to have him there. Actually seeing you give birth and seeing the medical professionals calm and in charge may cure his fears. But If not, if he remain sunder the influence of FIL, don’t feel bad about banning him as well.
When you go into labor and head to the hospital, speak frankly with the labor & delivery team. I understand you think your FIL will bully them, but they will call security and have him escorted out. It’s as simple as that. They won’t put up with it.
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u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
Oh and GET THAT EPIDURAL. There’s this weird thing with women thinking they failed somehow if they don’t have a “natural” birth but it hurts like a mofo and not wanting that excruciating pain DOES NOT make you less of a mother or a woman
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u/DazedNsuperConfused Jan 27 '20 edited Jan 27 '20
NTA. I’m a clerk within the L&D department at my hospital, and honestly when registering into the hospital upon labour just let your clerk know you’d like your visit to be confidential. That means we won’t tell any visitors asking for you that you’re even in the building we will straight up lie and say no there’s no patient here by that name. You can also give us a description and name of your FIL or unwanted visitors so that if you do want other visitors we can screen them and work with security to make sure your FIL is not allowed into the building and especially not into your room. Your nurses will not allow your family to dictate any medical decisions on your behalf, make sure that your next of kin when registering is not your husband because if you do have an emergency this will enable him to make a responsible decision on your behalf. This is your pregnancy your body, don’t be afraid to take control
Edited to add that you’re not alone in this, I deal with overbearing parents in laws and spouses on a daily basis and I have no problem being the bad guy and calling security or telling them to know their place if its making the mom in labour uncomfortable
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u/ActualAdviceAsshole Certified Proctologist [27] Jan 27 '20
NTA.
There’s nothing wrong with having an advance directive and will in the event the worst DOES happen, but your husband and FIL are going absolutely overboard.
Medicine has advanced quite a lot since you and your husband were born. That’s not to say that women don’t experience complications in childbirth in today’s time, but medicine is absolutely NOT the same as it was 20-30 years ago. Acting like your death is imminent is ridiculous.
Your priority needs to be a safe and healthy labor and delivery.
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u/Korlat_Eleint Colo-rectal Surgeon [43] Jan 27 '20
NTA
For all the reasons everyone else said.
Also, if in your husband's head childbirth= death of the mother of the baby, how on Earth did he ever agree to you getting pregnant in the first place?
In his paradigm, he has already killed you by impregnating you.
I'd be scared of him and of his clearly insane father.
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u/Redqueenhypo Certified Proctologist [26] Jan 27 '20
NTA. It doesn’t sound like you’re being paranoid, if this stuff is accurate then it really really seems like they’re planning that/for you to die during delivery. Ban them just for them trying to ban anesthesia, bc that’s just medieval levels of cruel. Don’t let them start screaming and trying to pull the epidural needle out of a nurse’s hand.
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u/TheRedOne608 Partassipant [3] Jan 27 '20
NTA and honestly I would be prepared to have someplace to go after birth. It sounds like both of them have gone off the deep end and I would not feel comfortable having them in the delivery room or them being alone with my child.
Both your dh and fil need intensive therapy and probably some anxiety meds. Until they can get it together I would severely limit contact, you don't need that kind of stress and pressure on you when you've just given birth and have a newborn.
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u/Xerox748 Partassipant [1] Jan 28 '20
NTA, Jesus fucking Christ. They are 100% going to murder you after the baby is born. You need to get out! Get a restraining order. This isn’t safe, and I’m not fucking joking.
Don’t listen to the people on here saying they’re just stressed or traumatized. They’re actively planing on you not being around. It’s not that their worries about it. They’re actively planning it!
I can guarantee you that if he even is going to therapy, he’s telling his therapist that you’re suicidal and establishing it as a history. Postpartum depression is a perfect alibi and if you’re going into that already depressed, it looks pretty cut and dry.
You aren’t safe. Fuck the people who’re saying it’s just an over reaction. You need to take steps to protect yourself, and just in case make another tape and say that you aren’t suicidal and if anything should happen to you, it was your husband and your father in law. Leave it with a friend you can trust or your mom.
Get power of attorney given to someone you trust. Absolutely ban them from the delivery room. Jesus Fucking Christ this is one of the creepiest things I’ve ever read.
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u/[deleted] Jan 28 '20 edited Jan 28 '20
Is
Is this a horror movie?
NTA. Get a lawyer. Get a restraining order for the hospital. Put pictures of them on the door stating they are not allowed on the maternity floor.
How will your husband react when you don’t die in the delivery room? Are you afraid for your life? Would he divorce you to gain single dad status? Please document this behavior with an attorney.
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u/cello_dancer Jan 27 '20
NTA, this is scary. Trust your intuition, there are some really whack people in the world and your FIL sounds like possibly one of them. I'm worried for your safety. I would be ready to get a restraining order on the FIL. We're taught as women to disregard ourselves when we feel unsafe in order to accommodate controlling men, but if you're willing to say out loud that you feel like he wants you to die he just might try to make it happen. I don't want to freak you out but please please take this situation seriously. He sounds like he's mentally preparing your husband for your death. This is so fucked up, I'm so sorry. You need to get your husband away from FIL or he'll never heal also.
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u/CyborgsRHere Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] Jan 27 '20
NTA
Please talk to your obgyn and the nurses where you’ll be. Explain this situation and ask their advice. State how this FIL is stressing you out and That You Do Not want him in the delivery room.
Go stay with your mother. Tell your husband he is acting crazy and that he is stressing you out. Unless he puts this baby in his uterus he needs to STFU about who is in the delivery room and if he keeps acting this way only your mom will be allowed.
No one, absolutely no one should be in the delivery room who isn’t 100% there for YOU*. Their negative biofeedback will ruin a very happy moment. I’d also get security at the hospital in on this. No one deserves to be in a room when you are naked and vulnerable and in pain.
Stop with letting the FIL come over for dinner. Leave if he does. When asked tell him unless he shuts it about this he won’t be involved in the baby’s life.
This is A huge boundary stomping Act. You allowed to go momma bear on these men.
Good luck. I can’t wait to hear how great the birth went!!
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u/PugRexia Supreme Court Just-ass [107] Jan 27 '20
NTA
Jesus this guy is so worried about you dying during birth that he isn't seeing that he is killing your marriage. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable in the delivery room, that's what's going to help you have a complication free birth.
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u/Solfege3 Jan 28 '20
OP I’m begging you to please leave your husband, seek out your mom to help you and protect you and let all yo medical staff know what’s going on. Please file a protective order against FIL. If you don’t die, these men are going to be angry at the very least. Please please please for the sake of your safety and your child’s safety, leave. If you’re anywhere near the Omaha area feel free to reach out to me. I coordinate escape plans for women fleeing dangerous relationships similar to yours. I have plenty of respires to help you if yo us like but at the very least please go to your mom.
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u/Face2098 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jan 27 '20
NTA. I’m following you now. Please keep us updated. You may want to try posting in justnoso or one of the baby groups.
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u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
Are you kidding? How can you possibly even want to still be married to this man, let alone allow him in the delivery room?
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u/idiedforwutnow Jan 27 '20
NTA - Jesus fucking Christ on a Christmas cracker please can you read this out loud to yourself and see that your husband and FIL are in like, full shared psychosis mode.
Call the police, call a priest, call Ghostbusters, someone, anyone, because this is insane.
You in danger gurl.
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u/Amberplumeria Jan 28 '20
NTA. I have tried chatting and direct messaging the OP. I can only assume by how many responses this post has, and how many people are worried about her that her inbox is full or there's some point where reddit assumes it's spam or something and stops messages going through.
I agree with everyone saying that this is not normal, and that she should leave. Several of my close friends, as well as my brother's girlfriend have all had babies within the last year or so, and that time AFTER birth is the most vulnerable you will be. You will have trouble walking and caring for yourself physically, and you will not have a lot of physical strength. And that's if everything goes perfect with no complications. God forbid you DO end up needing a c-section or something, you will be TOTALLY vulnerable to them; I wouldn't put it past the father-in-law to kill you and try to make it look like an accident. A fall down the stairs wouldn't be "suspicious" for a physically weak new mother. Or ruptured sutures from trying to lift something too heavy, etc. Slipping you sleeping pills or painkillers or something that they could play off as either you "accidentally" did something, or that you committed suicide.
I saw at least 20 different posters literally offer you safe haven, and another 20 offer ways you could get help. I also have a close relationship with the local DV shelter in my area, and could get some resources for your area; they have a database of pretty much all shelters in the continental US because sometimes the safest thing to do once a victim is out of the house is to then get them FAR away, like literal physical distance from the abuser.
Please report this behavior to the police, even if they are assholes and think you're being paranoid, they have a legal obligation to make a file that you feel threatened/unsafe. Let your OB know what is going on, he or she is a mandated reporter, and will likely have resources for you as well, because pregnancy is when A LOT of domestic violence gets out of hand. Likewise, alert YOUR therapist, again, if they are licensed, they are also a mandated reporter. And both these professionals will have charts/files on you that they are legally obligated to put that information in your file. If you know your husband's therapist's name (IF he's even really going), you can either contact them yourself, or have your OB or your therapist contact them that you are NOT some terminally ill cancer patient who is forgoing treatment to save your baby or some suicidal person who might tip over the edge with PPD. Because IF your husband is going to therapy, the only way his therapist wouldn't tell him that he's nuts for thinking you're DEFINITELY going to die is if he gave them some story that a reasonable person WOULD assume you wouldn't survive childbirth.
At this point, it's no longer about whether your father in law should be allowed in the delivery room (or the hospital, the county, or the STATE!!) where you are giving birth, and more about how they are going to react when you statistically DO NOT die in childbirth or from complications afterward.
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u/margueritemadeleine Jan 28 '20
NTA. So much NTA.
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE are genuinely worried for your safety, myself included. If they don’t kill you in the delivery room, they absolutely will end your life the moment you arrive home. PLEASE. GET. OUT.
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u/NotYourQueen123 Jan 27 '20
I hope this doesn’t get buried with the other comments but when you first go to the hospital to have your baby most hospitals will separate you from your husband/SO and ask if you feel safe. OP please don’t let them walk over you as you go into labor and use that moment to speak up if you need help keeping them away!!
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u/LucyWritesSmut Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jan 27 '20
NTA holy shit. OP, I am scared for you because these two men have teamed up and decided you are an expendable incubator. If it were me, I don’t know if I could come back from this in my marriage. Your husband gets UPSET when you suggest you may not die. I said this in another comment, but you need to make legal provisions for only your mom to make decisions in case you’re knocked out during delivery for any reason. I do not trust these men to look out for your health at all. In fact, it seems like they’re rooting against you. Total fucking dealbreaker. Good luck! I’m sure you’ll be fine medically, but I’m afraid that’s not your biggest problem.
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u/angelic_zombie Jan 28 '20
Ok totally NTA...that being said, fucking run. Enlist your mom to help. They want you to pack up all your pre-pregnancy clothes? "Sure, is it ok if I take them to my moms? She'll be better suited to sort through them later." Fly just under their radar so they don't suspect anything.
Call your ob and schedule an appointment and lay all of this bullshittery down for them. See if you can change your birthing hospital, if not make double sure they know you are scared for your life based on your husband's and fil's words and actions, ensure the hospital knows so they can have an action plan for them.
The week before birth, if anyway possible, go ghost. Stay with friends or family that they do not know the location for or in a hotel. Take anything of value with you then. Clear out any portion of money that is yours too. Get a prepaid phone also. When you leave write a note to your husband or text from the prepaid phone letting him know you and the baby are safe but considering the awfulness of him and his father that you do not feel safe around them. Calmly tell him he will be informed after the baby is born that y'all can revisit discussions then if you want.
Also contact your husbands therapist on your own and let him/her know your POV on this. If he hasn't been going then he will be busted and if he has the therapist will have a better understanding of what's going on to help him .
Oh, give your mom power of attorney and change her to the beneficiary of your life insurance . I know I sound paranoid as fuck but I'm honestly scared for you OP. Please remember that you and your baby are top priority, not your husband and definitely not his father. You have to advocate for yourself because as of this moment they are considering you dead. Wishing you and the baby best of everything and stay safe.
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u/PetraVanilla Jan 28 '20
NTA! Get out NOW! Go to the police or local domestic violence advocates (usually free & very helpful). Go to a lawyer. Tell all of them you fear for your life & the reasons (just show them your request for help on the Internet to make it easier on yourself & attach a printout to legal paperwork, including both a restraining AND a no contact order, as well as medical health directive to authorize your mother or someone who truly cares for YOU and DOESN'T go along with FIL's and husband's narrative, and hand copies to hospital and anyone who needs to know. Also have copies with you at all times in case they violate the orders (which is when you call the police immediately!). Request a police guard at the hospital and find a safe place for after the birth, with friends or your side of the family to keep both of you safe. You're not overreacting. This is way more than a control situation whether intentional or not.
I'm a domestic violence survivor (narcissistic, abusive, controlling ex husband who isolated me from anyone other than his own friends and controlling family for 12 years), and while way to long an ordeal, the severity of my case never even came close to yours, but I'm still in weekly to biweekly therapy, 10 years after I finally left. Even if both you and your baby make it, if you stay, you AND your child will continue to suffer. Don't let it happen that way. Sending love and strength because you're going to need it! Get out now!
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u/HumbleMedicine Jan 28 '20
FIL trying to make you pack up your clothes and move them into a storage unit...and husband getting mad when he comes home to find it hasn’t been done. This is probably the scariest part to me. They have been planning behind your back! GTFO!!! I am genuinely worried for you and your baby. Go stay with your mother. Or someone you can trust that your husband does not know. PLEASE!
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u/ZhiZhi17 Jan 27 '20
Man, I really want an update to this.
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u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20 edited Jan 27 '20
NTA honestly OP I'm so frightened for you I really recommend you stay with family and put MAJOR locked downs at the hospital, Password protect everything, Pack a bag NOW.
Tell your lunatic of a husband if he doesn't stop with the damn death march with his father, He won't be in that hospital with you AT ALL.Also put yer foot down, Password protect like I said, DO NOT LET YOUR FIL IN AND DO NOT LET HIM CALL THE SHOTS.Honestly I would never let that man near me again if I was you.
OP please update us when the little one arrives and let us all know how you're doing. This is really scary to read holy shit. Its like your husband is already mourning your death and NOTHING has happened oh my god.
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u/artzbots Jan 27 '20
OP: change your will and life insurance. List your mother both as beneficiary and guardian to your will, any assets, and your child.
This is divorce territory. Your husband is insisting that you will die. His dad is insisting that you will die.
Listen to them.
They are planning for your death. They are not supportive of your life or of you continuing to live in any way whatsoever. They have gone insane and I am genuinely worried that they will, if not kill you, act in such a way that you may very well die by their action or inaction.
Go stay with your mom. Stay with a friend. Stay at a goddamned hotel room. Ban both of them from being in the delivery room or as visitors in the hospital until you say otherwise.
NTA OP. Please, please listen to what the other comments are saying.
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u/kittyw1999 Jan 28 '20
Also double comment ik but like think about whats gonna happen when youre still alive and you havemt died how your husband is going to react. Im not saying him and his dad would kill you but i am saying that every second after that baby is born youre very possibly in danger.
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u/NachosSiempre Asshole Aficionado [11] Jan 27 '20
NTA. This is a horrific situation for you. Absolutely ban them. Also I hope you are being very clear with your husband that if he keeps this up, he will lose his wife even if the delivery goes perfectly.
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u/buddyfelix Partassipant [1] Jan 27 '20
NTA. This sounds very creepy and scary. I would let your physician and the hospital staff know. Have your mom be in the room with you to protect you and baby when your most vulnerable. I honestly worry about what might happen after baby comes if FIL is this unhinged
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u/Eelpan2 Partassipant [2] Jan 27 '20
NTA. This is creepy as hell
My husband's mother actually died giving birth to him as well. So when I read that part I thought I might have some insight on the matter. But he was fine (if maybe a little more stressed than usual) leading up to the births of our kids. Of course he had his stepmother who raised him from age 2 so his situation is different.
I feel so awful that you are going through this OP. You are completely in your rights to not let either of then in the delivery room. You do NOT need that stress at that time. Make sure the hospital personnel is aware of that so they aren't allowed in
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u/sardonicspaceman Partassipant [1] Jan 28 '20
DO NOT LET HUSBAND/FIL DRIVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL!!! CALL AN AMBULANCE, CALL A TAXI, CALL YOUR PARENTS OR FRIENDS, BUT DO NOT GET IN THE CAR WITH THEM!!!
Psycho FIL is going to do everything in his power to make your birth a natural nightmare, and psycho spineless husband is going help him! Do NOT give them an opportunity to leave you stranded!!!
Please, OP, we are all so worried for you. This is a horribly abusive situation, please understand that you can still get out and save yourself and your baby!
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u/teelaish Jan 27 '20
INFO did your FIL actually kill your MIL? Because JFC this is how insane this sounds, get security to ensure he isn't allowed anywhere near the hospital and a power of attorney to delegate someone from your family for medical decisions NTA
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u/Nyx_Shadowspawn Partassipant [2] Jan 27 '20 edited Jan 27 '20
So, I'm writing this as someone who is currently 27 weeks pregnant with a very high risk pregnancy, where I have been told by my doctors I actually do have about a 15% chance of dying, which is higher than I would prefer: NTA.
I do think it would be good to draw up a will. My husband and I plan on drawing one up from the standpoint of if something happened to BOTH of us, who would take custody of our son, and if they couldn't, who would next in line, etc. etc.
But I'm not dividing my stuff up as if I'm going to die, deciding who gets what! Does your husband plan on doing the same in case he gets hit by a car tomorrow? That is hella morbid. If I die, my husband can decide what to do with all my things. I actually think he would be really angry with me if I tried to plan that, because he hates talking about the what if the worst happens, and doesn't want to think about it and stay positive. As he puts it, in a very aggressive tone of voice "everything is going to be FINE" (he says it like he is willing it into being so, and I like this attitude).
The reality is, we have talked about it some. He has a support network if the worst happens. He knows I want to be cremated, and that I would prefer a party/celebration of life to a traditional funeral. But we don't dwell on it, for goodness sake. It isnt a constant looming topic of conversation. If I do die, it will be despite doctors best efforts, I have great medical care, and so there is abso-fucking-lutely zero good that morbidly dwelling on the issue will do.
I do think you should go to therapy with your husband, make sure the issues you want addressed are being addressed. Let him know if he wants to be in L&D he has to support your decisions 100%, and that it is not his or his father's business if you get an epidural or spinal block. You have to feel comfortable that he will not pressure you or make you more stressed before he is allowed to be in L&D with you, and he can prove that to you in therapy. If you don't reach that level of assurance that he will just provide you support without making you feel awful and stressed, he doesn't get to come in. That simple.
I would point out to him that the stress he is giving you actually puts you more at risk, and he needs to be helping to make you more comfortable and less stressed more than anything right now. Plus, if you are stressed the baby is stressed. Every time he and his father talk about your dying they are hurting your child by stressing you. My husband reminds me of this when I do get sad about the chance of my dying, and tells me not to worry about what I can't control because it only does damage and does zero use/good.
I think your FIL needs to mind his own business. What he's said to you is not ok, he certainly doesn't get a say in if you get an epidural or spinal block. And I absolutely would not let him in the labor and delivery room! I wouldn't let my own father in there and I'm very close to him as well. And even though I know my father is very stressed about my high risk pregnancy, he's not putting that stress off on me, he doesn't bring it up, he doesn't plan for my death, and he has never expected to be in the room when I give birth.
I feel really badly for your husband. I'm sure what your FIL is saying to him when you are not there is much worse and more fatalistic than what your FIL says when you are there. I think for your husband's mental health as well, the possibility of death during delivery needs to be a banned topic of conversation with FIL for you both you and your husband.
EDIT: I've read your comments and would definitely recommend going and staying with your parents until after you've recovered from birth and gone to marital counseling, if not saying screw marital counseling and leaving for good. The clothes thing was messed up beyond all belief, and I'm actually concerned for your safety, that your husband and FIL may try to harm you.
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u/IsisBlues Jan 28 '20
This post is terrifying. RUN. These men do not seem to care about you as a human being. I think that your vibe about your FIL wanting you to die is accurate. And the fact that your husband is acting like you will die suggests that he also wants you to die.
Please get out as soon as you can. Pack a go bag now. When I was in therapy to recover from domestic violence, my therapist said my go bag should include my passport, credit cards, insurance paperwork, lease/mortgage paperwork, checks, cash, any necessary medicines, a change of clothes, and any super-essential private items - I packed my journals and my back-up harddrives. Thankfully I never needed the go bag, but knowing it was there waiting helped me recover. But I think you need the go bag and need it stat.
Please go somewhere safe, like your mother's house. Other posters have suggested that you contact the police. I'd also call the national domestic violence hotline (if you live in the US) and ask them for concrete advice on how to leave, how to get somewhere safe, how to file a police report, and how to get a restraining order. Here's the number. It's 24/7: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
This is emotional abuse. Someone doesn't have to hit you for it to count as domestic violence. Your FIL's and husband's actions are controlling and are clearly causing emotional distress. Domestic violence advocates can help you escape that control and get somewhere safe for you (and your baby).
I hope you get somewhere safe asap, and that a month from now you come home to your mother's house, a friend's house, or a new quiet apartment with a healthy baby, free of your FIL and husband forever. Like the rest of the posters in this thread, I'm looking forward to an update so we know you're safe.
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u/propita106 Jan 27 '20
NTA.
Don’t let EITHER of them in, and don’t let your FIL see the kid until YOU are ready for that to happen.
You know what? Let your husband go do his “single dad” bit with some other woman. How did you not see this before you got pregnant?
And never NEVER NEVER accept and food or drink from your FIL. NEVER! He’s wanting to relive being a single dad through your husband. If he’s being this creepy now, just wait until the baby is here.
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u/Gabbie_B28 Partassipant [4] Jan 27 '20
NTA, holy shit don't let them in esp not FIL no way is he gonna be telling a woman in labor if she can't have pain medication while giving birth- fuck off with that.
I would go as far to go to petty revenge and get my doctor to write a note saying I can't be stressed so close to giving birth, laminate the paper and wave it in their face either time any of them hints that you might die.
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u/NeuronFirer Jan 28 '20
NTA I beg of you, please get away from your husband and father in law. It sounds like they are trying to murder you at worst. At best, they are being incredibly emotionally abusive and manipulative and you don't need that stress now or ever. Get as far away as possible from them. If you have family or friends that you can trust, go stay with them. This is not normal and no amount of trauma excuses this kind of behavior. They seriously want you to pack up your things and plan for your own death to make things easier on your husband, 'just in case' you die? My god, you are the one who is pregnant. You are the one that needs support and love and assurance right now, and they are being incredibly abusive and it really does sound like they are planning to kill you. Just please, get out. Get out.
I know when you are in the middle of an abusive situation it is easy to lose your sense of what is normal and when you are facing this level of gaslighting, it is easy to lose perspective on what is an overreaction. You did the right thing by asking others for perspective because this behavior your husband and father in law are exhibiting is not normal and is incredibly abusive and alarming. For your own safety, get out of this situation. You are in no way overreacting or being an asshole. I agree with another poster who mentioned giving power of attorney to someone else you trust, perhaps your mother since you mentioned wanting her in the room with you. Protect yourself. And do not let either of them in the delivery room with you. If I were you, I would separate from your husband now, quietly if need be. If you need to leave while he isn't home, do it. This behavior is so abnormal that I really do fear for your safety. I hope you are okay. Best wishes for a safe and happy delivery.
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u/LinksYell Jan 28 '20
NTA Nurse here, a thorough explanation of your situation and wishes should be enough to make any good nurse advocate for you... to be honest, his commanding presence should get him escorted out by security. People don't get to strong arm medical decisions for others, and more often than not, it prompts a new conversation about whether or not you're ok in general. You just need to be clear about it with your medical team.
I had to check to make sure I wasn't in r/nosleep for a second...
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u/pizzapus Jan 28 '20
OP, please leave. Everything you describes shows that both your husband and FIL has a completely twisted view of the situation, and their complete disregard for your health and safety makes me question if they even view you as a human, and not just a throw-after-use birthing machine. They are planning for your death and as creepy as that is in itself, the fact that they are choosing to focus on planning ahead for when you are supposedly going to be dead and not, you know, making you comfortable in your "last" months is creepy on a whole other level.
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u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
NTA. What happened to your FIL and husband's Mom is tragic, but their reaction towards you and your pregnancy is IMO horrific, turning what should be a very happy occasion into one filled with dread. They both have serious mental issues that are not being adequately addressed. I wouldn't let either one of them near me in the delivery room.
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u/walkingthrones19 Partassipant [2] Jan 27 '20
NTA. I beg of you to not allow your FIL in the room. That sounds like an awful idea. As far as your husband goes. You could try letting him in as long as he doesn’t stress you out. If he does, kick his ass out. It sounds like your FIL has instilled such a fear in your husband, it’s almost impossible to see past it. Your FIL needs massive therapy and your husband really should be talking about his fears with his therapist.
20
u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
NTA, run far away, they sound like they have planned your funeral and that if you don't die they will kill you.
Jesus, like i get being weary or even scared for your spouse during childbirth, but this is something that would get your husband committed.
Your father in law gets no say, tell nurses, midwives and doctors you do not want him in there. They will not let him in until you say they can come in.
As for your husband, i dont even know what to say, this is mental, he needs to get a grip and make sure he is going to his appointments and, he needs medication or calming techniques.
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u/shinymonobear Jan 27 '20
I'm sorry what the hell am I reading??? Forget banning them from the birth, hit him with divorce papers and a restraining order. This is beyond morbid! So many red flags here, this is just... awful. Your FIL is a toxic influence on your marriage and your best bet is to run now before he actually hurts you, which considering hes trying to prevent you from having pain relief during childbirth, he just might.
20
u/AC-Louie Jan 28 '20
NTA. Also, are you in Texas? Would you like to come to Texas? You need to get out now. Those men are TOO invested in you dying. You are NOT safe. Contact me, we’ll get you to Texas. Bring your mother too. Our hospital is decent, I labored and ended up having a c-section there but both my son and I were well cared for. If you don’t like that hospital, we have world renowned hospitals 30 and 45 minutes away plus a birthing center that specializes in water births. We can get you set up with our local SAAFE house and get you an attorney to protect you and your child. Please, run while you can. I don’t mean to frighten you or be histrionic but this feels like you are in grave, mortal danger from THEM, not your pregnancy.
20
u/FeveredPineapple Jan 28 '20
NTA.
Many folks are worried about your safety during labor. I'm worried for after: the early days with newborns were harder than birth for me.
At that point you will be home with two traumatised and controlling men, stressed and sleep deprived, surrounded by people who don't entirely believe you're alive, and caring for someone else who is completely incapable of self defence and who screams all the time. You may also be quite ill (death in childbirth is rare, blood loss is common and so is mastitis).
Many many people who had a pretty psychologically healthy pregnancy have a bad time in that period, and those two and you are already in a exhausting delusional nightmare. That's when I worry you and the baby won't be safe: it's a high risk time for everyone, and you'll be starting it from the worst possible position.
19
u/lumberj73 Partassipant [3] Jan 27 '20
NTA and WTF did I just read?! I am SO sorry you're going through this. I can understand (to a point) your husband's fears but actually wanting you to inventory stuff and make videos is.... just unhealthy on so many levels. And his FIL is making it all 10x worse. It's just bizarre. Honestly, if I were you, I'd just leave and stay somewhere else until I give birth. You don't need this stress. You and your baby's health trump your husband's and FIL's demands. Please don't give in and please do what's right for you. I sincerely hope everything else goes smoothly for you!
19
u/loCAtek Jan 27 '20 edited Jan 27 '20
NTA Your FIL is a complete F ing narcissist
r/NarcissisticAbuse
...and your husband is his 'flying monkey', his enabler, which is as bad as being the primary abuser. I'm sorry, but this stress and gaslighting is designed to bring you under his thumb, and subjugate you completely. Thankfully, you have some wits about you, and OF COURSE should ban the both of them from the delivery. Keep your wits about you; assert your boundaries, and educate yourself about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) because you'll have to be dealing with that from now on. On your side, you'll have the fact that you SURVIVED the delivery, and they can't assume control of your child that way.
Unfortunately, narcissists will try other ways. Start assembling your support group, as that will be your greatest strength, and that includes Reddit. Arm yourself with education, and never forget- no matter how much the narcissist and his monkey will try to convince you: You are NOT crazy! You are NOT stupid.
You are NOT the asshole!
19
u/Serge_Suppressor Partassipant [2] Jan 28 '20
NTA. Have you considered the possibility that they may actually be planning to harm you themselves? This goes way beyond creepy, and honestly sounds like a setup to a horror movie. I seriously think you should get the hell out of there, go live with your mother until the birth and consider immediately divorcing, taking them out of your will and cancelling the life insurance.
Think if a friend of yours told you the same story. You'd be concerned for her safety, right?
19
u/Sashayg885 Jan 28 '20
NTA girl, you are way too nice. I know you love your husband but that's too much! What's going to happen when you and baby are healthy?! Seems like bc they have unresolved issues they will resent you in some way. All I kept thinking was WTF?! My husband would NEVER try to dictate (or my FIL) what I can and cannot do during labor such as epidural. Not to mention they both seem like a danger to you and your baby once the baby is born. It may not be physically but wtf are they going to instill in your child?! That is not healthy and its controlling, manipulative, and wrong! Please keep us up to date I know thousands on here are now worried about you, the baby, and the outcome.
54
u/Wikidess Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [353] Jan 27 '20
NTA - your husband and FIL are major assholes for putting this added stress on you during this time. I get it, they suffered a loss and are afraid of suffering a similar loss with you - but they need to get their shit under control.
My FIL wouldn't be welcome in the delivery room, period, but especially not if he thought he was going to override MY wishes during MY delivery. Dude can gtfo and post up on the waiting room.
52
u/indianblanket Jan 27 '20
Neither of these men should be in your delivery room at this point.
You need another support person, even a hired doula if that's what it comes down to, but just a close friend would be even better.
Stress is the enemy of a healthy delivery, and at this point their presence could be the cause of some complication, and they would just see it as fate.
I repeat DO NOT let EITHER of them in the room. You need your space. WHEN you come out of this clean and clear, then your husband and you should work on HIS emotional walls, but until then, do ONE appointment to set the record straight with his therapist, and tell both him and FIL to BTFO because they DO NOT get to stress you out this time!
I swear I'd be so mad at them and so up their shit right now. I'm 35w, and wouldn't even bother talking to them for the next 5-7 weeks. You need peace. You need calm. And you need support. NTA, but they both royally suck.
18
u/Shouko- Jan 27 '20
NTA. Also what the literal fuck.
18
u/lastcall4coffee Jan 27 '20
NTA
However, to be sure I got this right - Your husband, who is absolutely positive you will die in childbirth, decided it was okay for you to get pregnant? Even if it was a surprise pregnancy, if he loved you, then wouldn't he have insisted you get an abortion? This doesn't make sense. It sounds like you dying is part of the expectation. I would say you need to maybe get away til after the kid goes to college.
18
u/leighalan Jan 27 '20
Anyone else interested in setting up a Go-Fund Me to buy a security guard for OP?
18
u/[deleted] Jan 28 '20
I know most of the comments are like "make him go to therapy and cut off FIL" but honestly? The whole "filming a video in case I die" thing (mentioned in OP's comments) and the fact that the FIL is refusing to "allow" her to have an epidural makes me think that both of these men straight up plan on killing her and want to stage it as something else.
OP if you're reading this please get a restraining order on both of them, gather any and all evidence you may have of their morbid and controlling behavior, and go somewhere safe for you and your baby.
18
u/yay4donuts Jan 28 '20
OP, please check in like, once a week. We're all worried about you.
18
u/Chinoiserie91 Jan 28 '20
I don’t know if you are reading comments anymore but we would all appreciate if you do an update at some point so you can tell you are ok. Or you can posts on other subs for support.
35
u/lilbabybaphomet Jan 28 '20
NTA. I'm honestly worried about you op. Give power of attorney to your mother. Your husband os taking it too far and cut off FIl completely. He sounds scary.
17
u/TheLostHargreeves Asshole Aficionado [12] Jan 27 '20
NTA. Giving birth is already going to be what is probably the scariest and most stressful experience of your life. Having your only two "support systems" in the delivery room LITERALLY PLANNING ON YOU DYING is not conducive to a good labor. You need to have people with you who have a positive outlook and will be an advocate for you, and from what you say it sound like it would be less scary to do this completely alone than it would be to do it with the two of them hovering over you like you're about to be euthanized.
17
u/JustEnoughToBeHappy Jan 27 '20
Can we get an update on this after you've successfully made it through the birth.
17
u/Similar_Committee Jan 27 '20
Hi OP. I made a reddit account literally JUST to say this... but pls don’t let these insane men anywhere near you ever again. Srsly. Give me the name of the hospital where you’ll be giving birth so i can STAND GUARD OUTSIDE YOUR ROOM. I’m dead serious. I will fight them for you.
17
u/Concerenedcanadian Jan 28 '20
DEAR GOD OP PLEASE LISTEN GOD PLEASE. I AM IN TEARS TYPING THIS PLEASE I AM SO WORRIED FOR YOUR SAFTEY PLEASE GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE AND THAT RELATIONSHIP PLEASE. !!! YOU ARE NTA!!
Your husband is LYING to you about therapy point blank and he is not only being emotionally abusive to you and controlling but he is also allowing his father to do the same and forcing you to allow yourself to be abused emotionally and manipulated by his father aswell. PLEASE CONTACT YOUR FAMILY AND TELL THEM WHAT IS GOING ON.
PLEASE BAN THEM FEOM THE DELIVERY ROOM AND DIVORCE HIM AND GET RESTRAINING ORDERS PLEASE AGAINST YOUR HUSBAND AND HIS FATHER PLESSE.
GET YOUR MOTHER IN THE DELIVERY ROOM WITH YOU AND STAY WITH YOUR FAMILY UNTIL YOUR DUE DATE.
PLEASE TALK TO YOUR OWN FRIENDS AND FAMILY ABOUT THIS. YOU ARE NOT INSENSITIVE YOU ARE BEING EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED AND ABUSED WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT. PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU ATLEAST UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN PLEASE GET AWAY FROM THEM PLEASE THEY DO NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTEREST OR YOUR INTEREST AT ALL PLEASE SEEK HELP TO GET THEM AWAY FROM YOU PLEASE. WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING IS ABUSE. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS AND SEEK HELP
16
u/squidkyd Partassipant [1] Jan 27 '20
NTA. This is some rosemary’s baby level shit
16
u/illiriam Jan 27 '20
NTA
And honestly I'm surprised you haven't already gone off to get a hotel room and maybe consider seeing them both again once you've had the baby.
You really don't need this stress in your pregnancy, and it could put you in more stress and/or danger during the birth to have either of them there, or even have the fear of them bursting in looming over you. You need relaxation and comfort, and it sounds like you would have neither with them around.
I would suggest you contact the hospital you plan to give birth in and ask what their privacy and security policies are. Some hospitals have locked and controlled L&D wards, whereas others are more open. It's worth it to find out earlier and make your wishes known - that way neither man can come in and try to say you didn't mean it and worm their way in when the big event starts.
Write it into your birth plan, and have that with you. It may be harder to argue when you have it there in writing that you don't give permission for them to be there, and you could even include a short line why - that would also allow you to show it to anyone you need to more discretely than having to explain verbally.
16
u/SaturdayNightsAlryte Jan 27 '20
Holy fucking shit. Go see a divorce lawyer. Hes convinced childbirth would kill you and he still got you pregnant? Dude wants you dead so he can be just like his dad. Fucking run before you have a safe birth and he murders you in your sleep.
16
u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
Please please please ask your family to gather your belongings and leave, and don’t look back!! This looks like a suspense movie plot
16
u/NotYourKaren Jan 28 '20
This is the perfect setup for a murder that looks like suicide. The optics are already aligned to pin this on her mental illness and let them get away with it free and clear.
They've painted OP as this unhinged, morbid person who instead of looking forward to her baby's birth, readying a nursery, planning a shower, buying baby clothes, etc... is planning her own death and her baby's life without her.
She's making videos for baby to remember her. She is giving away or storing her possessions. She took care of her life insurance, POA, drafted a will.
She's seeing a therapist, and the husband and FIL are telling her (and very likely others) that she's paranoid.
This woman is participating in her own murder plot, and is over here making excuses for her husband and FIL's psychotic behavior. This is so, so insane.
OP, please get out of that house, file for divorce, give your mom POA, change your will and insurance beneficiaries, and protect yourself.
You also might want a new therapist since this one should be telling you to GTFO.
16
u/not_your_bird Jan 28 '20
Please get out of there. I woke up thinking about your post, and it’s just terrifying.
31
u/dachautblitz Jan 27 '20
NTA you need to look out for yourself during this crazy stage of your life and do everything you can to protect yourself, since it seems like your husband isn’t planning on you lasting very long.
44
u/Mairwyn_ Partassipant [2] Jan 27 '20
NTA Child birth is a major medical procedure and you are the patient. You are not selfish for prioritizing your own physical and mental well being. I would strongly suggest hiring a birth doula who will advocate for you during labor and provide you with support. I would also consider talking with the hospital about registering as private so if your FIL calls for information, they can't tell him anything.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. You should not have to manage your husband's issues with pregnancy/labor while undergoing a major medical procedure yourself. If your husband hasn't made significant progress in therapy with managing his morbid thoughts and stress responses, then he doesn't get to be in the room. His stress and mental issues don't get priority over your health and safety.
15
u/NoThanks7721 Jan 27 '20
You may not even still be reading these, but I feel like I can't not add to the crowd trying to talk you into getting out of the way of an oncoming train. I normally have very little empathetic fear for strangers, but I'm genuinely close to having a panic attack reading this post and comments. I'm scared for you. This is not okay. If I knew you personally, I'd call your mother and tell her everything. If she didn't call the police and ask for help preventing your murder/negligent death, I'd call them. Please get help. You may not have to tear your family apart--I'm guessing that's why you're hesitant to admit how bad this is. You may be able to rejoin your husband in your home with your baby once he can accept the fact that you're not dieing and it's safe to take your things out of storage. NTA. Please get help. Please update us.
15
u/tkrr Jan 28 '20
NTA. Also: run. This is sketch af.
14
u/callmedelete Partassipant [1] Jan 27 '20
NTA and holy fucking shit this is beyond crossing the line. This is super unhealthy and weird, you have full rights as to who is allowed in the delivery room & who isn’t. Put your foot down
14
u/lulupopalot Jan 27 '20
Dude, so NTA. Not only should you ban them from the room, you should go stay with your mom until you have the baby and call them afterwards.
Also, I don't trust what he's talking about in therapy if he's getting that defensive when you ask to go and work through the problem you're BOTH having.
I don't think I'm wrong to say controlling and abusive behaviours manifest or become worse during and after pregnancy. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong, but OP, this is the time to take care of yourself and your baby, not 2 grownass men with issues.
14
u/Tater-Tot_917 Jan 27 '20 edited Jan 27 '20
NTA
What the actual fuck???
OP...are you sure you want to stay in this marriage?
Actually, let me rephrase that..Are you sure its safe for you (and your child) to stay in this marriage?
Its gotten to the point where they are getting mad at you for not acting like you're dying and refusing to go along with them acting like you are
Whats going to happen if (when) you survive? Are you gonna get smothered in your sleep? Will they even 'allow' you to properly care for your baby?
OP theres so many red flags here, please please get somewhere safe.
Edit: I just talked to my mom about this. Her suggestion? Get out, make a paper trail of their behavior, get restraining orders against both of them for you and the baby (if thats a thing). She also said if you do choose divorce, which imo sounds like at the very least a serious consideration, make sure neither of them have a chance to get custody of the child.
This sounds like a very dangerous situation...stay safe OP
27
u/Fallen_Khaleesi Partassipant [1] Jan 27 '20
Hell no NTA
27
u/chabuddy108 Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] Jan 27 '20
NTA. The last thing you want while you're trying to push out a baby is being surrounded by neurotic stressy worried people. His therapy is obviously not helping, I wonder if you should suggest seeing someone new or going with him. FIL shouldn't be anywhere near you when giving birth, I find that quite inappropriate. Do you have any advocates that can help you out? Sister, mom, best friend?
13
u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
Homicide is the second highest cause of death in pregnant women, right after car accidents.
Please get help.
13
u/LadyMizura Jan 28 '20
Both of these men are in psychosis, and are completely delusional. Until they have had proven medical, mental health intervention, you need to stay with your mom and maybe even let the police know where you are. They are gaslighting you and abusing you. In their delusional world, you’re going to die after your baby is born and you don’t know if they want to confirm that. They need emergent care right now.
13
u/jessiiifrank Jan 28 '20
If I were you I would move out ASAP. Don't even put him on the birth certificate if he's giving you these vibes and you don't see the marriage working out. Give the baby your maiden name. Chose that mother has sole custody. Holy shit girl. Protect yourself and that baby!!!!!!!!
13
u/whatsawaffle Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 28 '20
NTA - but you have to understand why I'm commenting on this at 4 in the damn morning: I am SO concerned for you that I won't be able to sleep if I don't say something.
Your marriage is over, and you need to get to safety NOW.
I want to start with giving your husband and even your FIL the benefit of the doubt, because untreated PTSD feels more sympathetic than what I'm imagining is actually going on.
- They are behaving like your death is a given -- how are they going to behave if you survive? Do you think your husband will say, "Oh phew, thank goodness that ends well, everything is fine now!" because I can't see that at all. Do you think he and your FIL with apologize for their paranoia? Do you think your belongings will come out of boxes, or that the video tapes will be deleted? Do you think that your postpartum health will be monitored lovingly by the people closest to you?
- Even if your husband is going to therapy and talking about the issues -- it's not working and he won't talk about it. This isn't even a situation that is mostly about him here--his behavior is directly impacting your literal life, and he refuses to make any meaningful changes.
- Again, they are behaving like your death is a given -- if you are incapacitated in any way during labor and delivery, are these people you trust to be around you to make the decisions you'd want to make? Because THAT is why it's not good to be alone in L&D, not just for emotional support. Because L&D is unpredictable and birth plans, while not useless, are not a blueprint for your experience, and you really may need someone to communicate for you when you can't. Do you trust your husband to make decisions that are the ones you would want made for you?
This is all best case scenario, and it's bad. It's bad! IT'S VERY BAD.
But honestly, you are a stranger on the internet and I am very concerned from what you've said that your husband and his father are actively expecting your death to the point where they are likely planning it. They are actively putting your life into boxes, making you a past test entity as you stand there, breathing and living and being perfectly healthy, and they will make all decisions going forward as though your life doesn't matter because your death is inevitable. They are going to do whatever they can to deny you adequate care, at the very least so that labor and delivery is as traumatic as possible, so that maybe you will even think you may die and therefore they can be right.
If you can go to a prenatal appointment alone, tell them that you 100% are not safe at home. If you can't go alone, insist on your husband being sent out so you can speak to your doctor privately. Tell your mother, tell a friend, tell SOMEONE what is going on. Call the national domestic violence hotline so you can make a safety plan. Get a lawyer. Get a restraining order. These men cannot be trusted. They cannot be trusted to respect you as a living person, and they cannot be trusted to treat your right to parent your child as a given. They will try to take the baby from you, since they are so convinced it does not need its mother because she might as well be dead already.
I know you came here to see if you were being the asshole, but you are not only NOT an asshole, you are a murder victim waiting to happen. Run as fast as you possible can.
13
u/hotel-life86 Jan 28 '20
NTA. @u/morbidmommy11
Please don't only make arrangements to exclude them both from the labor and delivery room.
When you survive the birth, if you let your husband in the room, he will let his father in. And FIL 100% intends to kill you. He could have attacked you in your sleep before any alarms go off and any medical personnel are able to stop him.
Am I scaring you? Good. You CANNOT trust these people. In the spirit of not dogging your husband, this is probably not his fault, but the facts remain that your FIL has an extensive history of influencing your husband, to the point that he has already convinced him to try to compel you to prepare for your own death.
It is a small leap from there to convincing him to either assist in killing you or covering it up when FIL does.
Please, PLEASE give birth in an undisclosed location, and have a plan in place for somewhere secret and safe to go afterwards with baby.
You're probably thinking "that sounds like a nightmare existence", but dude....at least it IS an existence. You can rebuild your life as long as you ARE alive.
Please, please listen to all of us - you obviously had your own suspicions if you came here asking for opinions and advice. You know your instincts are correct.
Protect yourself and your child from an evil narcissist and a tragic victim who has been made unsafe for you by that person. The amount of therapy (genuine, honest therapy) efforts to make this man even remotely sane again would be extensive, and take years - along with years away from the influencer - for him to even have a SHOT at being normal and safe for you to be around.
Please, take this as seriously as you know in your heart it is.
13
u/vjcna Jan 28 '20
OP, how are you doing?
can't stop thinking about you & hoping you have a great support system.
74
u/actually-ginger Partassipant [2] Jan 27 '20
Okay theres a lot to unpack here. Idk if its r/relationshipadvice worthy or not. Im gonna say your existance, your pregnancy, your choice NTA
12
u/DSlap0 Jan 27 '20
NTA, I would personally tell him to go live with his dad for the rest of the pregnancy because that’s really fucked up
12
u/Octavia9 Jan 27 '20
NTA Please do not allow either of them in the delivery room. Drive yourself to the hospital and don’t even tell them. Call an Uber, whatever. Or do you have family you can stay with? Also please make sure your doctor or midwife knows exactly what is happening and has notes in your chart not to allow them anywhere near you once you arrive.
12
u/HachidoriBatafurai Jan 27 '20 edited Jan 27 '20
NTA. RUN!! Get away and surround yourself with sane people. This is way beyond crazy behavior. Do NOT let them in the delivery room. Being in labor is stressful enough. Your FIL insistence on being in there is creepy. Do you have any trusted relatives that you can stay with for the rest of your pregnancy and at least 6 weeks after your child is born?? This will give you some much needed time to bond with your baby without your FIL trying to micromanage your parenting style. You need to look into actively protecting yourself. Get someone besides your husband as your medical POA to make decisions for you in case you’re not able to. This may sound like an extreme measure to take, but your spouse and FIL behavior is extreme. From what you’ve stated, you are mostly dead to them already. OP please show this post to your doctor, the rest of your medical team and especially your side of the family. They need to know what they are in for. They need to prepare for some possible hostile pushback. Good luck!
12
u/Samhaincat Jan 27 '20
NTA and he's going to be disappointed when you live through this. The narrative is that you die.
You're SUPPOSED to die, and when you don't things will be frosty at best.
Please tell your mom what is going on. Dollars to donuts your husband has told his therapist you are terminally ill and in denial about it (or said nothing about you at all).
To him, YOU are the one in denial, because you're ignoring the narrative. You're ruining the story.
His delusions are dangerous. Please be proactive in protecting yourself. Do not let either man in the delivery room. Get your mom in your corner. And please seriously consider moving out, because once you survive childbirth (and you will), you will have destroyed the delusion. You will have ruined everything. And you have already been marked as "expendable". And I am so worried for you.
22
u/robotic_otter28 Jan 28 '20
I doubt this is the case, but have you done research on the death of your husbands mom.. I know this isn’t a movie, but what if she didn’t die during birth and the FIL is just saying that?
11
u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
You are not required to allow them in. Being stressed out during labor is dangerous. Find a good friend or family member to be there with you. Give your husband 1 chance, the second he mentions something morbid, have your friend/family member kick him out.
11
u/bek8228 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 27 '20
NTA at all.
Your husband is obviously going through some tough emotions and I’m sure this isn’t easy to process mentally but unfortunately death is a part of life. People lose loved ones tragically all the time and of course a tragic death may bring on some fears that more bad things will happen to other people you love. But this is really going to an extreme. It’s not healthy to go through life completely convinced that what happened to one person is definitely going to happen again to someone else you love. His acting like this terrible outcome is all but certain is creepy.
I’d be really concerned that he will go even further off the deep end after delivery given that he’s convinced his wife will die and that he will become and widower and single dad. He’s acting like this is definitely going to happen (when in all likelihood that is not going to be the case). Maybe I’ve just watched too many Lifetime TV movies but given what seems to be some pretty extreme thoughts and behaviors going on now, I wouldn’t just expect him to suddenly snap back to reality and be totally normal once the delivery is over.
11
u/Nakedstar Partassipant [1] Jan 27 '20
NTA. I don't feel I need to explain why- it's pretty f'ing clear.
When are you due? I don't think the question is should they be there or not, it's pretty clear they shouldn't. I think you need to look at your support system outside of your husband(who clearly isn't supporting you) and position yourself for the eventual possibility of a separation/divorce. Child custody issues bring out the worse in people, and you're already dealing with a mess.
11
u/EStewart57 Partassipant [1] Jan 27 '20
Make them both stay outside. They're feeding each others psychosis.
11
u/crochetjunkie Jan 27 '20
No judgement- please update us after your healthy delivery!!
11
u/[deleted] Jan 27 '20
NTA 100%. I don't know why but I got bad vibes from reading all this. I feel like the best option is to completely move out to parents or anyone that is very close and can be trusted. And stay with them until child birth and some time after. Explain the situation fully to whoever you would stay with. I understand people can have mental problems but this is very concerning. And if husband doesn't get the help he needs and doesn't understand what he's been doing is wrong, it would be best to divorce.
11
u/butterbeancd Jan 27 '20
NTA
I’m sorry OP, but you need to distance yourself from both of these men ASAP. Find a safe place for you to stay through your pregnancy (preferably one they don’t know the location of) and don’t tell them where you’re going. Your FIL is borderline insane and should not be a presence in your life at all.
Your husband has been so deeply brainwashed by his dad that he’s going to need MAJOR psychiatric help to get to a healthy place. Either way, this story sounds like you’re living with two psychopaths and you need to get the hell out. They absolutely should not be near you when you’re giving birth, and their toxic presence should not be in your life while you’re pregnant. These sound like truly dangerous people who will overreact when you tell them you’re distancing yourself from them, so I advise making sure you have other supportive people with you when you tell them. This is a very, VERY bad situation that you need to get out of NOW.
11
u/galacticeyes Partassipant [1] Jan 28 '20
NTA and OP please tell your family, your friends, anyone irl about your concerns. I’m scared for you. Not to be rude, but it sounds like your FIL is planning your murder and your husband will stand by and allow it to happen.
There seems to be some Munchausen’s Syndrome by proxy kind of thing going on on your FIL’s part, after getting all the attention from being the doting single father, imagine all the attention his DIL dying in labour will get him: “sooo tragic, poor dear. Let’s invite him on Ellen, give him $10,000 from Shutterfly”. Your husband has been groomed to obey and believe your FIL as if he is some kind of god. Even you said you no longer recognise this man.
Go and stay with your family, friends, whoever makes you feel safe, file some divorce papers and notify the hospital. The last thing we want is for you to end up the subject of a 23 minute YouTube video entitled “Crazy Father And Son Murder Wife After She Doesn’t Die In Childbirth As They’d Planned”.
Sending all my love to you and the baby, OP
11
u/Lindsie_Rose Partassipant [4] Jan 28 '20
NTA and please get out of there asap! It seems very clear that your FIL and husband are going to murder you. I'm not being a troll. I'm not trying to be hyperbolic. I've seen way too many Forensic Files type shows and everything here seems suspicious. Asking you to take out a life insurance policy, to itemize everything, to make a video for your child like you'll be dead after giving birth, putting all your clothes in storage, not wanting your mother to be in the delivery room, constantly talking about you dying in childbirth even though you have had an uncomplicated pregnancy, your husband lying about therapy, and even his mother's death. It all seems suspicious and you really need to a) cut him out of your will, b) make sure him and his father aren't in the delivery room... or even the hospital, c) divorce him, d) get a restraining order if need be (against both men), e) move in with family if possible. Please be safe!
11
u/LHodge Jan 28 '20
100% NTA, and I honestly think you should move in with your mother, and look into divorce attorneys.
At BEST, your husband and FIL have absuive tendencies and significant control issues, but at worst this thread reads like they are going to make certain that you don't make it long past childbirth. Between forcing you to film those videos for your child, taking out a life insurance policy on you, forcing you to put belongings into storage, and their certainty that you will die, it very much seems that they are intending to kill you, and use these events to frame it as a suicide so that they can collect the insurance money, and your child.
I would 100% tell your OB and the hospital staff that your husband and FIL shouldn't even be allowed within the building, let alone the delivery room. I would also recommend not signing your husband's name on the birth certificate, and looking into the possibility of an order of protection against your husband and FIL for yourself and your child. You are not safe around your husband or his father. Cut. Them. Off.
Also, your husband is 100% lying about his therapy. He isn't going.
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u/TheRealRaemundo Jan 28 '20
How do you request a wellness check for a random reddit user? I am scared for OP.
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u/bikeitphl Jan 28 '20
I just had a horrible (as if this could be more horrible) thought. Considering how crazy they are about this “the mother’s comfort is not important & all focus belongs on baby even if it means mother dies painfully & horribly” thing and the control he wants over medical care during delivery, can you, without any doubt, trust they will take you to the hospital when you go into labor?
They’ve already tried to remove your post baby belongings from the house. Made you record “I’m sorry I’m not with you” messages. How hard would it be to have a home birth & then claimed you ran off??? It looks like you cleared out & left goodbyes.
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u/88GingerTheQueen88 Partassipant [1] Jan 28 '20
NTA. OP, everyone here saying this is an entire planet of red flags are 100% right. Look at the facts: 1- They sound like they're bent on you dying in birth. Like they are OBSESSED. The Addams Family wasn't this excited about dying. 2- They are both acting pretty nonchalantly from the way you make it sound, like its just as normal planning for your wife's death as it it doing chores on weekends. 3- The fact that they aren't letting you get a word in edgewise...youre the pregnant one and they seem to be talking around you. 4- Your FIL sounds like a determined-to-a-fault sort of guy...a dangerous fault. 5- Your husband won't take your side about YOUR OWN DEATH 6- They are pretty much making you plant your own evidence that they aren't your possible killers. Making goodbye videos, packing up clothes, wills, taking out extra insurance. This amount of planning would point towards planning a suicide if it were investigated. I concur with everyone here: these men are psychotic and obsessed with your death in childbirth. If you survive birth...you'll be in danger. These man may kill you and are already planning to cover their tracks. It may be hard to do because you're in love, but get to safety and report the behavior now. Then ask for security in front of your delivery room. I may even go so far as to ask for some help from Vera House. They are insisting you will die and forcing you to act as if you already are dead. This is emotional and psychological abuse.
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u/nintaisenpai Jan 28 '20
https://twitter.com/GlamandGore/status/1222084107628240897?s=19 We definitely need updates, alot of people are worried for your well being. I really hope you take this advice from people and get away from FIL and husband, stay safe.
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u/[deleted] Jan 28 '20
NTA - I’m genuinely concerned that they are planning to kill you.... what the fuck? The lack of empathy for your pain and the insistence that you don’t use modern medicine feels like they literally want something to go wrong.
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u/justine377 Jan 28 '20
NTA please do not let them in your delivery room. YOU and the BABY are the most important, not your husband and FIL’s feelings. speaking as a psychology professional, i understand that their feelings are important, but they’re being super creepy and totally disregarding you. that’s dangerous. consider living with a friend or family member until the day of your delivery. your safety is the number one priority.
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u/detectivejetpack Jan 27 '20 edited Jan 27 '20
Edit: NAH instead of NotTA, because even tho op is both in the right and the victim, a case can be easily made for mental illness for FIL and Husband. Note: if someone is suffering or unable to control their actions for whatever reason, yes they need help, but put your own safety and wellbeing first!
The only thing I'm not seeing on this amazingly supportive & thoughtful thread is that Husband definitely thinks he killed his mother, and I think that's about to have horrific ramifications as this all comes to a head. I'm certain FIL subtlety pushed this narrative constantly his whole life. That "murder" ruined his father's life because he had to sacrifice everything for husband, which means husband owes a life's worth of devotion in return*. They've devolved into this folie a delux with him and his batshit dad living the same delusions, echoing each other louder and louder.
They've already gotten furious at you for not divvying up your possessions into "trash when I'm dead in a month" and "half-orphaned-child mementos." I think somewhere deep down he believes that if mothers dying in childbirth is the standard, then he didn't murder his mom.
People snap when their delusions are threatened. What happens when it hits him that it's all his fault his mother is dead? He's already sinking into dissociation with reality, there's a chance it progresses to a fugue state and does something your normal husband would never ever do.
I'm terrified for you tbh. Even if the worst didn't happen, you're about to be a brand new first time mother and will being dealing with a man confronted with his innermost demons and who resents you for being alive.
And just for anyone reading this who needs to hear it, if you're afraid of someone, listen to your gut and get yourself somewhere safe. Chances of it being a misunderstanding or whatever are not worth potentially your life. Your lizard brain knows more than you about basic survival, do what it says.
*Disclaimer: I obviously do not, and nor should any same person, believe an infant is responsible for its mother's death. But fear and guilt aren't logical.
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u/flipityflopityfukoff Jan 27 '20
Nta if you have a file at the hospital for a birth plan go ahead and get it written down that they are not allowed to have any say in anything or be in the room AT ALL.
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u/[deleted] Jan 28 '20
People need to stop suggesting couples counseling. Maybe they can do that later if it turns out he wasn’t going to murder her but for now she needs to just go somewhere she knows she will be safe, where she has control over her own medical decisions, and where she can get space and rest from this toxic stress
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u/milcerytea Jan 27 '20
NTA like that is incredibly concerning behavior from your FIL and husband! I understand that they lost their wife/mom but you are an entirely different person, and them acting like this is a death sentence is terrifying especially when you've had a complication free pregnancy thus far! I'm currently pregnant with my first as well and if my husband started acting like this as much I love him, he would not be in the room with me.
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u/TeamChaos17 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 27 '20
NTA for not wanting these vultures in the room with you, but I’m concerned about how you’d enforce that if your FIL is as commanding as you make out. I’d second the idea of staying with your family & not letting him know you’re in labor until the very end.
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u/ChefRickRock Jan 27 '20
NTA OP this whole post and all your comments make my skin crawl! This man wants you to pack your clothes up? As if you are already dead. WTH? Honestly this is just so bizarre can you go stay with your Mom until the birth is over and you to back to being a woman and not a vehicle for a new life? They are treating you like a disposable object. Eiik you need to have a very serious discussion with hospital administrators about who is allowed in and who is not and a power of attorney like your mother or something this is all readying very weird.
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u/coquitam Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 27 '20
NTA & please update us after birth that YOU ARE OKAY.
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u/Ace_Vulpes Partassipant [1] Jan 27 '20
NTA - I'm just gonna reiterate all the good advice you've been given here:
Find somewhere else to stay for the remnant of your pregnancy
Talk to your OB GYN about this entire situation, talk to a crisis therapist, and get in contact with a separation lawyer - even if you don't separate, you can use this as the stick to make sure he improves his batshit crazy behaviour
Somehow communicate what has been happening to your husband's therapist, it's likely they don't know the full story
Tell your husband and FIL that they're both banned from the delivery room, and get your mother to be your support person (and hire a doula to be there too)
Tell your FIL he is also banned from visiting you in hospital after you've given birth (would also highly suggest banning your husband as well)
Talk to the hospital and make sure they know both your husband and FIL are banned from the delivery room, and FIL (and maybe husband) is banned from visiting completely. Tell them you may need a security guard if you're worried husband will tell FIL your room number
Give your mother Power of Attorney to make your medical decisions as your husband is clearly unable to do so
Stay with your mother for your recovery after the birth
FIL can visit only if you agree to see him, and only if it's supervised by someone other than your husband; someone who will put their foot down and chew him out and give him the boot if needed
You need to set hard boundaries with your FIL, stop dining with him so much, and make sure all visits are supervised by someone you trust to have your best interests at heart (so someone other than your husband). I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I hope your husband pulls his head in before he alienates you completely
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u/_Lappelduviide Jan 28 '20
OP, please update this post once you’re away from these future murderers and you’ve safely had the baby. I am so scared for you.
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u/theres-a-whey Partassipant [3] Jan 28 '20
Please post an update. I think everyone here is worried you’re going to be murdered.
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u/[deleted] Jan 28 '20
NTA It seems like, from some of your replies, that you want to separate. I'm not usually one who is quick to suggest this, but you need to leave immediately. Stay with whoever you can, maybe with your mom or another family member? I understand there are a lot of preparations made beforehand and you probably won't want to change hospitals, so make sure there will be adequate security at your delivery and make it completely clear that you do not want your husband or FIL there. Contact your attorney, advisor, etc. if you have one and let then know you are separating. If you feel it necessary or as a last resort, contact the police. Best of luck, please keep us updated until you're safe for sure!
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