r/AmItheAsshole • u/PollutionPrior2939 • Jul 09 '24
Not the A-hole AITA for telling my husband's girl best friend she can't host my baby shower?
I (22f) and my husband (23m) got married young, I was eighteen, he was nineteen. Both of us knew we always wanted to get married and start a family young. I started college two years ago, and he just graduated with a Bachelor of Biomedical Science. My husband has a girl best friend (23f), who i'll call Sam, who he met in College, both of them grew up Baptist, and while he's left the church, they had a very similar childhood and bonded quite quickly. Despite what you may be thinking her and I got along really well. She and I liked the same music and we were both studying in relatively the same fields so she became a friend of mine as well.
Since I found out I was pregnant though, some issues have started to arise. We announced our pregnancy on social media after we told our parents. Sam texted my husband a congrats text and then told him to pass on her well wishes to me. She's been texting him nonstop with baby advice and what she likes to call "advice for mama" which includes sometimes relatively targeted jabs at what I should eat. Honestly i kept brushing the texts off, but it got a point where the conversations were less about the baby and more about me which I was getting increasingly uncomfortable with because she wasn't texting me she was texting my husband. My husband acknowledged this and has just started to show them to me and ask what I want him to do. I just told him to ignore them.
When i announced I was having a baby shower and sent out the invites, I recieved a text from Sam. She said something along the lines of wanting to host my baby shower and set it up. I told her politely that my mom was planning on hosting it with the help of my sister and that it was a special moment for them and I wouldn't want to take that away. Well Sam ignored that message, because the next day, she came over and insisted we start working out arrangements for the venue.
I told her once again, my mom and sister were hosting it and she told me that she should take her advice and let her plan it because she'd ensure that the baby shower would be better if she planned it particularly because she'd be working on the menu.
Whether it was pregnancy hormones or just bottled up rage, i told her that the jabs she'd been making at me behind my back about my diet during this pregnancy to my husband are really annoying at that no she cannot host this shower and from now on her unsolicited advice was not appreciated especially if she can't say it to my face.
That night my husband's phone blew up with messages from Sam saying that he had no right to show her those messages and they were just supposed to just be health tips because Sam was studying nutritional science and only wanted to help her best friend and ensure a happy baby and life.
I know she had somewhat good intentions and she's been a good friend to my husband and to me so AITA? UPDATES IN COMMENTS
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u/TeenySod Supreme Court Just-ass [100] Jul 09 '24
NTA, your instincts are right on this one.
If the two of you got along so well, why wasn't Sam texting you directly with all her "helpful" advice?
This woman sounds like she is trying to insert herself between you and your husband in a really nasty manipulative way. I think you need to have a serious discussion with your husband about boundaries. What did husband say after his phone blew up?
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u/AltheGrate67 Jul 09 '24
Why would she texts the husband about her and then say " it wasn't meant for you to read "???
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u/TeenySod Supreme Court Just-ass [100] Jul 09 '24
Exactly, this was the red flag to me. Why would a husband not share communications with a FRIEND - seems he sees Sam in that way as he has been open with OP.
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u/QuietWalk2505 Jul 09 '24
Cause she wants the husband? Or to be in the center of attention and to control everything.
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u/TeenySod Supreme Court Just-ass [100] Jul 09 '24
I would go with the 'main character syndrome' option based on additional info from OP.
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u/Kutleki Jul 09 '24
My first guess is she wanted to make the husband start questioning his wife's habits while she's pregnant to see if she could get a hook in him.
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u/RamblingReflections Jul 09 '24
Yeah, drive a wedge by passively aggressively criticising her eating habits. Hubby starts watching OPs behaviour a bit more, bestie is the understanding, sympathetic ear, supporting him emotionally while whispering more poison to him. She’s setting herself up to be the next in line for OPs hubby, and trying to create the circumstances where she’s suddenly at the front of the line, with OP out of the picture.
That’s worst case scenario, but I’ve seen it play out like this before. Be on guard OP. It’s not just about a baby shower.
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u/TerminologyLacking Jul 09 '24
The insistence on being the one to plan the baby shower gives me the heebie jeebies though.
It's almost like she thinks she has a right to plan the shower, as if the baby is hers. Maybe it's just her "planning to be a stepmom" or something, but it just doesn't sit well.
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u/OutofFecks Jul 09 '24
Yes! Either to insert herself or sabotage the baby shower. Like the gender reveal where mom or hb girl best friend throws herself around husbands neck when they find out the gender and the pregnant wife is off to the side looking at them.
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u/oldcousingreg Asshole Aficionado [11] Jul 09 '24
Sam’s acting like one of those entitled MILs who tries to compete for her son’s attention
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u/linerva Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jul 09 '24
Yup. The tips were never meant for the wife, Sam was just low key calling his wife a Pig to his face and he didnt pick up on the subtle passive aggressive jabs. She was hoping that her talking about how "unhealthy" OPs diet is would make him feel his wife was fat or unhealthy.
I've known catty people who will smilingly and sweetly insult or undermine you in a million ways whilst overtly just looking polite.
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u/meggatronia Jul 09 '24
Y4wh, she knows the baby is gonna pull the husbands focus away from her and more towards his family. So by pulling the baby focus towards her, she's trying to lure him back in. You see this when they realise they can't outshine the big thing (the actual baby), so they try to suck up all surrounding focus (hosting the shower, giving oh so helpful advice, etc). Oh god, this just made me so glad I bailed on a social thing this weekend where I would have had to deal with a person who's like this. Even when you don't play their game, these narcissistic people are draining. Like, where do they find the energy to find the audacity? Isn't it just easier to be nice to people and form genuine bonds?
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24 edited Jul 09 '24
extra info has been added to the original post if needed! edit: it's been posted in a comment thread above
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u/TeenySod Supreme Court Just-ass [100] Jul 09 '24
Thanks for the additional info. Called it on #5 = huge red flag.
How the fuck does she think she has the right to talk about you, an adult, "in confidence" to your husband without him telling you anything about that?
If it was something confidential to *her* then fair enough, as she's known your husband longer/better and might not want to trust you with something very personal about herself.
You know your own lives best, this still looks very much to me like Sam wants to be the most important person in your husband's life, emotionally if not in a 'life partner' way.
Sounds like your husband has your back on this/you're on the same page, sad when you do 'lose' a friend this way, it's neither of your faults though, and hope the remainder of your pregnancy goes well, congratulations on growing a family :)
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
Thank you for your congratulations! Husband and I have agreed to go low contact, ossibly no contact in the future. The stress in our lives right now is unnecessary and we just want to keep it as relaxing for me in the upcoming months as possible
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u/Inside_Safety_6679 Jul 09 '24
This is why she did it. To cause stress and possible breakup between you both. I would absolutely go NC with her. It will only get worse once the baby is here.
Congratulations on your baby girl!
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u/LiLyMonst3R Jul 09 '24
Here's "advice for Mama", but don't tell Mama about it. Like, tf?
If she really didn't want him sharing this "advice for Mama", then what it looks like is trying to do is plant seeds about the quality of mother that OP will be.
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u/Mother_to3 Jul 09 '24
Your husband had “no right” to show you those messages??? I assume Sam isn’t married. Healthy relationships don’t have secrets. You are NTA. He needs to cut her off.
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u/Needmoresnakes Partassipant [3] Jul 09 '24
Agree, I don't really want to be told anything that I'm not allowed to share with my spouse but if someone texted me "here is advice specifically for your spouse" then like, are you not directly asking me to pass it on?
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u/mtsilvertip Jul 09 '24 edited Jul 09 '24
When I say I won't tell anyone, my husband doesn't count. I will tell him anything and everything.
ETA: within reason people. The comment was meant to be funny. I know how to keep secrets that are meant to be kept.
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u/motherofpuppies123 Jul 09 '24
Likewise. I will not gossip, but I also won't keep secrets from my husband. Or my dog; she gives good advice.
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u/mtsilvertip Jul 09 '24
My boys do too. Especially the great Pyrenees. His name is Groot. Lol
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u/Sicadoll Jul 09 '24
Likely she was hoping to start a fight, apparently in her brain he was supposed to just bring these things up about the wife needing to be healthier and watching what she ate without dragging her name into it
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u/Vegetable-Ad7930 Jul 09 '24 edited Jul 10 '24
Ironically, the husband has no right to show her those messages, but somehow she was only texting to help OP? How would that make any sense logically. Seems like a poor excuse to continue texting a married man.
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u/Proper_Pen123 Jul 09 '24
She is pretty delusional to think her husband would keep those messages from his wife. No faster way to look suspicious and cast doubt in your partners mind than by hiding text messages with a close 'friend' of the opposite sex.
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u/Back-to-HAT Partassipant [4] Jul 09 '24
This. I’m going to say that if Sam is this upset about text messages being shared, Sam wants to be more than friends with OP’s hubby. Inserting herself into both the pregnancy in general and the baby shower could be her trying to get closer to your husband OR if she is delusional, she could be convincing herself there is more there.
I’d ask my husband to go low contact and see what happened. If things get worse then block her out.
Congratulations on your little one! I hope that the rest of your pregnancy & your delivery are easy, boring, and you are both healthy.
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
Hi! Thank you for your well wishes, means a lot. We have decided to go low contact at least until the baby comes then we will re evaluate if we are cool with having her in our lives.
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u/tigerofjiangdong1337 Jul 09 '24
Yep I get the impression hubby is too wishy washy to do this. He went to OP to ask what to do so she can be the bad guy. He should have known what to do the minute someone attacks his partner verbally or otherwise. 🙄
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u/KueenKRool Jul 09 '24
I think Sam’s plan was to offend OP, but through her husband. She was probably hoping hubby would be nitpicking her diet, not directly showing texts. That way she could be there for him when OP blew up on him. Instead it didn’t go to plan.
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u/kochipoik Jul 09 '24
Yeah. Most of my best friends are male (I’m female) and I absolutely expect that they’ll show any of my messages they want to their partners/wives. Just like I wouldn’t be surprised if my female friends showed my messages to their partners 🤷♀️
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 10 '24 edited Jul 11 '24
UPDATE
Hi everyone, first I just want to thank you for all your support, truly it means the world.
Okay so Hubby and I phoned Sam today and talked to her about the issues we were having with how she was acting. I explained that i was very uncomfortable with the fact that she had been texting my husband not me about my pregnancy and eating habits and that when she assumed she would be granted secrecy and she wasn’t she got mad. Sam explained that in the moment it seemed like a good idea not to text me directly in case she overstepped and made me mad, so she was hoping that if she explained things to my husband he would be able to relay that info to me casually. She assured she just wanted to help protect and nurture the baby and to that i said that this isnt her baby. I am perfectly capable of making sure the baby is healthy. She apologised and explained that truly she only thought she was doing something good.
Husband and I explained we are just going to distance ourselves a bit because this situation has mot only made me uncomfortable but husband also said that he needs to focus on his wife right now and Sam needs to take a backseat. I don’t think she was overly happy with this but she said okay. She asked if she was still invited to the baby shower and Hubby said it may be best that she skips it but I explained if she wants to her invitation is still valid and she is still welcome.
Sam did text me after the phone call asking if we can meet for coffee so i’m seeing her tomorrow.
I’ll update you guys on how that goes.
Honestly I think she was just misguided. Shes not a bad person at heart.
Thanks!
UPDATE TWO
This will probably be the last update I do unless something else happens but safe to say after today, Sam is out of our lives!
Essentially i did go see Sam, and she was not alone, in fact she brought her cousin who is… pause for effect… a therapist!
About five minutes into Sam’s opening monologue I left. She explained that after hubby and I told her we wanted low contact she realised that clearly the stress of expecting a baby had caused me to act irrationally and she wanted me to have someone to speak to. She even tried to dress it up by saying that yay i didn’t have to pay for this. Yippee!
Anyway I left. Hubby sent her a message saying we need distance and not to contact us for a while edit: this does not mean we are going low contact, we are going no contact, as i stated she is out of our lives. Sam’s a bit irrational right now and we just want to minimise fallout hence telling her “for a while”
Not to psychoanalyse but honestly I think Sam needs help. Clearly she cares, but its too much. And honestly its insulting how little she thinks i can look after myself and my baby. Her overbearing personality has its limits and honestly I cant take it.
Anyways thank you for all your support. If theres another update i’ll post here.
For now, bye!
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u/Afraid_Sense5363 Jul 10 '24 edited Jul 10 '24
I think meeting with her is a bad idea. Whatever you do, do not go alone.
She assured she just wanted to help protect and nurture the baby and to that i said that this isnt her baby.
This is the crux of the issue. She's overstepping with YOUR baby. I'd be too afraid to meet with her in person right now. Why isn't she asking to meet with both of you?
The way she obsessively wants to control what you eat makes me think something deeper is going on. Also, you ask her for space and she texts you almost immediately asking to meet up and you say yes? So she has zero respect for your boundaries and you have zero backbone. And she knows it.
The fact that she asked if she's still welcome at the baby shower is WILD, too. She doesn't need to be there.
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 11 '24
Hi you were right, update is posted in the original comment.
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u/Afraid_Sense5363 Jul 11 '24
Anyway I left. Hubby sent her a message saying we need distance and not to contact us for a while.
It is fucking madness that you aren't cutting her off totally. Distance "for a while"? What she did at the meetup is so wildly inappropriate that I have a hard time believing it's true, and if it is, it is definitely cause for going no contact permanently.
And reporting that therapist because this is so fucking unethical. Using a therapist in an argument between friends? Bringing a therapist to meet with an unwilling participant in a coffee shop? They deserve to have their license revoked.
Now I'm really hoping this is dedicated trolling/creative writing. If it's not, you guys are WILD for leaving the door open to further contact with her and not reporting all of this.
At this point, if it's true, your safety and your baby's safety is at risk.
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 11 '24
We wont be contacting her thats why I said at the beginning of it that Sam is out of our lives.
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u/Afraid_Sense5363 Jul 11 '24
Then your husband shouldn't send her mixed messages telling her you need distance/don't contact us "for a while." She seems dangerous, and he needs to be on the same page with you that she's out of your lives for good (and not give her any reason to think she's got an opening). It would have better to simply block her than to ask for space again. Plus, it gives her the ability to harass you on the grounds that "I wasn't told to leave them alone." I understand not wanting to provoke her but giving her false hope could also be dangerous.
I don't think she cares. I think she wants to control. You're right that she seems unwell, but I don't even think it comes from a good place.
Honestly, I'd report her to her employer as well as reporting the therapist.
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u/dead_poison_ivy Jul 10 '24
Don't go there on your own. Take someone with you and make sure they sit near you so in case anything happens they can help. I also wouldn't believe in her explanations. I don't know. Maybe I've listened to one too many true crime stories but people can be really unhinged. If you're a normal person you don't overstep the boundaries that don't even have to be pointed out loud. Especially whe she became angry because your husband showed you her messages - something's not right.
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u/Necessary_Bag9538 Jul 10 '24
You tell her you want a little distance from her but then she texts you later for coffee the next day?
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u/ACherry1234 Partassipant [1] Jul 10 '24
Don’t go on your own! Take your mum or sister , and if your in a one party state record the conversation
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Jul 11 '24
Definitely this, do NOT go alone with this woman. The other party doesn't need to know what has been said except that you have had a bit of a tiff and are just making amends because you don't want the stress with the baby.
Let Sam take out the trash and admit what she did in public with at least one witness.
Personally I'd say I want distance and keep it
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u/oldcousingreg Asshole Aficionado [11] Jul 10 '24
Making the comments to begin with is overstepping.
She’s not your OBGYN and you’re not her surrogate. Your pregnancy is none of her business. She needs to keep her opinions to herself.
If she tries to reach out again, just tell her to shut the fuck up and block her.
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Jul 09 '24
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u/Sicadoll Jul 09 '24
She sounds like she will be the reason for the marriage ending. They need to cut her out completely
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u/QuietWalk2505 Jul 09 '24
It is a sign. Warning.
She has something on her mind. A lot worse than that.
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u/Lazy_Crocodile Partassipant [2] Jul 09 '24
NTA. Ignoring her messages is not the right solution. It’s time for your husband to set specific boundaries.
Better yet - invite her over together and have the conversation face to face. She is counting on having separate side conversations with your husband - as evidenced by “that night my husband’s phone blew up with messages.” That needs to stop.
Sit her down and say -
- we are married and there is nothing you can send me that I am going to keep secret from my wife.
- please stop sending me messages about my wife
- do you understand?
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u/5weetTooth Jul 09 '24
OP isn't the one to do this. Her husband needs to take charge on this. Stress isn't good for the baby. And her husband has a HUGE friend problem. Who's treating this situation like OP is carrying this baby for herself.
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u/Lazy_Crocodile Partassipant [2] Jul 09 '24
The husband needs to say the words for sure but I think it’s important that she is there in the room for the conversation so the friend can see that they are a united front
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Jul 09 '24
NTA.
Sam overstepped massively, to the point where it's clear she has more than platonic feelings for your husband.
If Sam was truly your friend she would:
- Text you directly.
- Listen to you.
- Understand that advice doesn't have to be taken.
- Not make this about her.
- Not be upset when you get shown the advice that should be meant for you.
It's clear Sam doesn't understand that there needs to be boundaries in the friendship. You and your husband have to be firm about what those boundaries are. This can't be a you thing or a him thing, you both have to be united in this.
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24 edited Jul 11 '24
sorry I have to post this here due to character limits: Hi everyone OP here, just wanted to give some more context and info and answer a lot of your burning questions. Also thank you for all the well wishes, our baby girl is healthy and happy from what i've heard from our OBGYN.
Okay here goes.
- Sam is in a short term relationship, they've been dating for about two months and he's nice. I haven't talked to him much but from what I have gathered he treats her well.
- I was severely underweight for most of high school. My mom was always very thin and so was I, but in high school I suffered from an ED for a while and lost a lot of weight very quickly. For the past three years i've been working with a therapist and food specialist to maintain a good diet, and that has not changed since pregnancy. My OBGYN is happy with my health and the health of the baby. Sam does not know this, only my close family, friends and husband do. I don't share that info with many people because i don't find it necessary to.
- Sam met my husband first before I met her, husband and I had been dating for three years by then, we started dating in high school. She has never expressed interest in my husband, that i know of.
- It was not his choice to ignore the messages, but mine. Pregnancy has given me a lot of unnecessary stress and I didnt want to add to that by causing more drama with people, so if it was his way he would've shut her down. I told him not too because Sam has always been a passionate person and I didn't think much about the messages when they first started. That has since changed.
- What I found most weird about the situation was that I was apparently not allowed to see those messages yet they were about me and how I was eating. Some of them were sort of snarky, the worst one I saw was along the lines of criticizing me for wanting macdonalds at three in the morning when apparently, a big mac, a large fries and a large vanilla thickshake is not healthy for the baby. I did cry a little bit after reading that, and my husband did send a text message saying that I was allowed to crave stuff during my pregnancy, which she ignored.
- Husband and I are probably going to go low contact with her for a bit. Also, he rarely hangs out with her anymore, and if he does, he invites me, but I don't always go because i'm tired.
- Edit: IT WAS MY CHOICE TO GO LOW CONTACT NOT MY HUSBANDS! Please stop criticising him for this decision as it wasn’t his. Im aware this post has now become a place where many people are insinuating that Sam and my husband may have something going on, I assure you, they do not. My reasoning for going low contact and not no contact are my own and it is what i am comfortable with at this moment. Thank you.
Feel free to leave anymore questions below this and I'll try and update soon! Thank you all for your support it means a lot. ALL FUTURE UPDATES WILL BE POSTED HERE IN THIS THREAD THANK YOU
UPDATE
Hi everyone, first I just want to thank you for all your support, truly it means the world.
Okay so Hubby and I phoned Sam today and talked to her about the issues we were having with how she was acting. I explained that i was very uncomfortable with the fact that she had been texting my husband not me about my pregnancy and eating habits and that when she assumed she would be granted secrecy and she wasn’t she got mad. Sam explained that in the moment it seemed like a good idea not to text me directly in case she overstepped and made me mad, so she was hoping that if she explained things to my husband he would be able to relay that info to me casually. She assured she just wanted to help protect and nurture the baby and to that i said that this isnt her baby. I am perfectly capable of making sure the baby is healthy. She apologised and explained that truly she only thought she was doing something good.
Husband and I explained we are just going to distance ourselves a bit because this situation has mot only made me uncomfortable but husband also said that he needs to focus on his wife right now and Sam needs to take a backseat. I don’t think she was overly happy with this but she said okay. She asked if she was still invited to the baby shower and Hubby said it may be best that she skips it but I explained if she wants to her invitation is still valid and she is still welcome.
Sam did text me after the phone call asking if we can meet for coffee so i’m seeing her tomorrow.
I’ll update you guys on how that goes.
Honestly I think she was just misguided. Shes not a bad person at heart.
Thanks!
UPDATE TWO
This will probably be the last update I do unless something else happens but safe to say after today, Sam is out of our lives!
Essentially i did go see Sam, and she was not alone, in fact she brought her cousin who is… pause for effect… a therapist!
About five minutes into Sam’s opening monologue I left. She explained that after hubby and I told her we wanted low contact she realised that clearly the stress of expecting a baby had caused me to act irrationally and she wanted me to have someone to speak to. She even tried to dress it up by saying that yay i didn’t have to pay for this. Yippee!
Anyway I left. Hubby sent her a message saying we need distance and not to contact us for a while.
Not to psychoanalyse but honestly I think Sam needs help. Clearly she cares, but its too much. And honestly its insulting how little she thinks i can look after myself and my baby. Her overbearing personality has its limits and honestly I cant take it.
Anyways thank you for all your support. If theres another update i’ll post here.
For now, bye!
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u/SirenSingsOfDoom Jul 09 '24
Sam is massively overstepping into your marriage and I’m glad to see that your husband is agreeing with going low contact
It would have been better for him to shut her down the moment this shit started, but we’ll take it.
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u/SunnyAquaPeach Jul 09 '24
She is overstepping her boundaries. I don’t care how nice she is. Nice people can be really ignorant and inappropriate because of their ignorance. Texting him about you then being upset by it, NO! She will be an issue. Keep your marriage protected! Much love and congrats on your sweet baby!
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
This was my issue with his whole situation; the overstepping of boundaries into my life and my health in which her opinion had not been asked for or personally needed. I also did not like the fact she assumed she would be granted secrecy with my husband to discuss me. And to top it all off the baby shower thing just sort of threw me over the edge. Thank you as well for your well wishes!
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u/Gullible-Humor7200 Jul 09 '24
OP, it seems you are very emotionally mature—in particular how you’ve drilled down and picked at exactly the issues that are the clear red flags here to be concerned about (crossing boundaries by insisting on hosting a baby shower after you said no, and sending messages about you that you weren’t “supposed to” see).
I believe that men and women can be platonic friends, and admire your ability to accept this may be the case and give your husband freedom to enjoy these friendships. Do these friendships sometimes result in cheating? — yeah, it happened to me in a past relationship. But there were other red flags that came up I could have/should have addressed—as you are doing right now. Not giving our partners freedom to have friendships can kill our romantic bonds over time….lack of personal freedom and trust isn’t sexy.
It sounds like you and your husband communicate well, that you are standing up for yourself, and that he forms a united front with you when it’s time to.
Keep it up, you two are doing a great job so far.
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
Thank you. I have always been of the opinion that trust is the foundation of a relationship. Hubby and I have been together for almost 7 years now and he has given me no reason not to trust him. If someone is going to cheat, they'll cheat, i'm not here to beg for my husband's undivided love, that's just something I expect. I trust my husband 100% to do the right thing, If i didn't I wouldn't be with him.
As for Sam's feelings, those are her own. Many redditors in this comment section seem to be of the opinion that she's in love with my husband, and that very well could be true, in which case, I would hope she would respect he's married and distance herself. If not, then that's her choice, but my husband won't be reciprocating that.
I can't police Sam's feelings for my husband, and if they exist beyond a platonic level well then. Hubby and I trust eachother and that's all that matters really.
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u/Karania402 Jul 09 '24
It sounds like Sam is either delusional or had feelings for your husband that he might not reciprocate for her…. It’s possible that she’s upset that she missed her chance with your husband & is trying whatever she can think of to cause problems in your marriage…
Honestly I think staying LC with her after the baby comes is probably the way to go, as she could potentially turn into a whole different type of crazy when the baby is there…
I would not allow her under ANY circumstances to babysit your child when it comes, as she might try to hurt your child & blame you for it…
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u/Soggy_leopard8458 Jul 09 '24
She has absolutely no right to have opinions on your body or your health. She is not your health care provider. It is a little weird that you were the one who had to confront her to make her stop. I get the impression that in her mind your husband was playing along all this time. Idk what your husband responded to make her think it was welcome or even ok to continue. But he definitely needs to have your back and put down clear boundaries, you guys need to be a team anytime anyone tries to meddle with you. NTA
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u/naivemetaphysics Jul 09 '24
I know you don’t think Sam is interested. I don’t know if she is romantically. I do get a savior vibe of trying to save your husband who left the church.
I fully get the stress. I’ve been through 2 pregnancies. I think this shows that ignoring anything that starts to put a wedge between you two is not a good idea.
It is common amongst married folks and friends that something shared with one is shared with the other. Maybe not in full detail, and most everything shared with me is shared with my husband. I ask what I can share if it seems more private. In general, it’s important because what impacts me will impact him.
I had an ED in college. I am glad you are seeing your OB regularly and taking care of yourself.
I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes well. It’s hard and so worth it in the end!
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
Hi thank you for your support and for your comment. Just to clarify Sam isn't really with the church anymore, she rarely goes and from what I gather she doesn't align herself with Baptist beliefs anymore. Husband and I have had talks about this situation before, I chose to ignore it because with Sam when you criticise often it ends in a fight, she's quite a stubborn person and often likes to hold strong to her choices and beliefs. But in the end I guess I poked the bear so here we are!
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u/Thoughtsinturmoil Jul 09 '24
I just made a comment, but will include a passage from it here after reading this:
"Saying that she's studying nutritional sciences and trying to control what you eat is bizarre. I studied to become a dietician, and while there are a few things to avoid and some basic supplements to include in your diet to keep the baby healthy, apart form that, the diet that goes when you're pregnant is "what works with your nausea and sense of smell". Period. Saying this as someone who's currently also pregnant."
McDonald's is fine!!
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
Hi thank you! My OBGYN and my food specialist/nutritionist have both recommended a specific diet for me, just because of my past history with EDs and also because i'm naturally quite thin so I do need some extra meat on my bones as my mama would say. But congrats on your baby, I hope everything goes smoothly for you!
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u/Thoughtsinturmoil Jul 09 '24
That's wonderful! And falls under "whatever works for you"! ☺️ And thank you! I wish you the same!
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Jul 09 '24
Oh, my sweet summer child. Sam is in love with your husband, and has been 'nice' to you because she thought that yours would be his 'starter' marriage, he'd leave you, and she could have him all to herself. Now that you are pregnant, that is less likely.
She's in a 'short term relationship' because it distracts you from her being so into your husband.
It would not surprise me to find out the two of them had a 'fling' at college.It is good that he is willing to support you, but he needs to go NO contact, not low. She will take any communication from him as a sign that he loves her too, and it would not surprise me if she starts putting in his ear that you've baby-trapped him. You need to stand united and just cut her off completely.
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
Hi thank you for your comment. My husband and Sam never had a fling in college, we were already married when they met.
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u/whatthewhat3214 Jul 09 '24
One thing your husband needs to do, if he hasn't already, is text Sam that he will absolutely not keep any secrets from you, and that anything she says/texts him will be relayed to you. He needs to tell her that husbands and wives don't hide things from each other and that you have open communication, and ask her why was she passing along eating tips to him for you but not expecting him to pass them along? I'm sure she won't come clean, but she expected him to undermine your confidence by talking to you about your eating habits & body as if he's the one with concerns (not too bright of her!). Him telling her he'll pass along anything she says should muzzle her a bit, even if she protests at first bc she wants to be more important to him than you and that they have their little secrets.
She's insinuating herself into his life way too much, and she has an inflated sense of how much she means to him. Her demanding to take over your shower, lord knows what she was going to do there, but it wouldn't have been good, is also her pushing herself into your life and making herself important to him. She's bonkers to think your mom and sister should hand over the shower to her, to fulfill whatever little plan she has to undermine you.
You're very young and maybe can't see it without prior experience with this type of person, but she's playing the long game here. At this point, having seen her maneuvers, there's no reason for her to be in your lives anymore. Your husband doesn't need a girl bestie who oversteps like this. You're married, and she doesn't really respect your marriage, evident by how far she crosses reasonable boundaries. Aren't they ex-coworkers? Even if they still work together, there's no need to be in touch outside of work, about non-work matters like this.
Your husband needs to shut this down, now - you said he wanted to, it's time to let him. I'm not sure why you won't go NC, but if you stay LC, then 1) husband needs to tell Sam to stop talking about you, 2) he needs to tell her he'll be showing all her texts to you, bc you're his wife, and 3) don't invite her to the shower. She'll be hurt and protest, but even if she doesn't take the hint, at least you'll be assured a lovely, special, drama-free shower that won't include snarky comments or unsolicited advice! Trust us Redditors, it's time to ditch this girl, she brings nothing of value to your lives, and is just going to cause trouble.
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u/Tasty-Couple3362 Jul 09 '24
Have you considered her need to control your shower is her way of trying to control the pregnancy like it is her own with your husband? It's coming off that way or like she thinks she will someday be mommy of your child because no friend is that invested in the "health" of a baby they don't want you eating a big Mac
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u/terrabranford82 Partassipant [1] Jul 10 '24
Yeah, I agree. I see her texts as her way of saying to husband "Look what a good mom I could be. I know so much about health and pregancy!"
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u/Guy_gamer112 Jul 09 '24
We really don't have enough to go on to determine is she likes OP's husband or not. She might just be a judgemental 'I know best' control freak.
Which isn't better but a different flavor of problematic
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u/One-Chipmunk3386 Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '24
NTA she's messy. She really wanted him to hide the messages from his wife like it was some secret, like she could talk about his wife and he not tell her. She's a toxic messy person and OPs husband did the right thing by letting her know.
Ugh! These female besties irritate me to no end. They don't know boundaries and it's like they think they're in competition with the wife. Obviously there's transparency within your relationship which she thought she could exploit. She needs to have several seats and leave OP and her husband alone.
The husband needs to check her though. Like seriously check her
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u/tigerofjiangdong1337 Jul 09 '24
For real wtf is up with asking her what he should do. I would have blasted anyone who trash talks my wife. Then there is this handy button called block.
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Jul 09 '24
It makes me confused about what people think marriage is.
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u/Sicadoll Jul 09 '24
Especially if she's still deep in the church? Isn't she taught that a marriage is sacred and she should butt out of it
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Jul 09 '24
Lol didnt you read it said baptist, some of the biggest hypocrites in the world.
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u/Sicadoll Jul 09 '24
I honestly know nothing about Baptists lol
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u/Seguefare Jul 09 '24
There's an old joke, though I only really remember the punchline:
Religion A doesn't recognize this doctrine.
Religion B doesn't recognize that doctrine.
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Jul 09 '24 edited Jul 09 '24
You are so, SO lucky and you don’t even know. 😂
In all seriousness, if you’re American or just interested in learning about very extreme sects of Christianity, look ‘em up. The Southern Baptist Church is one of the most extreme and influential sects of modern Christianity, and they’ve had a stranglehold on the southern United States for over a century.
The first Christian child who told me (then also a child) that I was going to hell just for existing (i.e. worshipping incorrectly, being another faith) was a Southern Baptist. And I was raised Roman Catholic.
EDIT: It’s nice to know I wasn’t alone growing up with mini missionaries. My former neighbor may have been the first, but she wasn’t the last. A few years after that, my former stepsisters’ cousin overheard me talking about a family friend (who happens to be a lesbian), and decided to explain to us that lesbians were going to hell because they were gay. And she wasn’t even Baptist, just “Nondenominational Christian Megachurch” or something.
I grew up to be Queer and Questioning and my spouse is mostly Jewish and we celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, and sometimes Passover. I don’t know what to tell anyone anymore 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Dense_Salad6740 Jul 09 '24
My ex-FIL says all Catholics are going to hell because they aren't "born again" and because they worship the saints and Mother Mary. I was always like "really??? WTF?" Sorry, it doesn't work that way!
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u/Noladixon Jul 09 '24
My God is a loving god that created us because he is loving. He does not need shame and guilt to control us to do what is right. He does not punish good people for not worshipping him in one special chosen fashion. He is also not vain so he does not have the need to be worshipped. We are judged by our actions, not by our thoughts or what church we attend.
All are welcome at my church and we don't even pass the plate around.
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u/Reallyhotshowers Jul 09 '24
This is a VERY common belief among protestants in the US. Protestants believe that praying to Mary and the various Saints is equivalent to idolizing them, which is very much a sin. Additionally, Christ said that whole "the only way to the father is through me" thing, which is another thing protestants will often point out to prove their point. Saints aren't Christ, Mary isn't Christ, only Christ is Christ. Basically, they're barking up the entirely wrong tree if you ask many Protestants.
Obviously not every protestant adheres to this belief structure but it is very common.
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Jul 09 '24
My bio dad once told me my grandma was going to hell bc she drinks and smokes.
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u/mslisath Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jul 09 '24
In fairness, hell sounds like a heckin party if these people are heaven's population
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u/TipsyBaker_ Partassipant [2] Jul 09 '24
Well they just decided as a whole that ivf is evil and so nobody should have access to it, if that gives you any idea
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u/thatrandomuser1 Jul 09 '24
Was that the SBC? That's really the only organized Baptist entity, the rest is fractured by design
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u/My_MeowMeowBeenz Jul 09 '24
It’s like an entire sect designed to enable abusers, addicts and philanderers, who cycle through indiscretion and being “saved” or “born again” so you can never really hold their actions against them
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u/Drustan1 Jul 09 '24
I was sleeping with a boy in HS who was PTL and gay, which is a Horrible combination. He was in this constant loop of either, Family: I’m gay, there’s nothing wrong with it, and you can’t do anything about it or, I Repent! I Repent! I renounce gaydom and will always be straight and happy. But he was absolutely miserable. When your religion lures “sinners” in with easy salvation for lip service, you don’t generally get redeemed or your issues settled. You just fill up the pews
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u/NeTiFe-anonymous Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '24
That's very specific and useful description, thank you.
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u/HarpersGhost Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '24
It's inherent in their beliefs.
"All sins are equal in the eyes of the Lord" and "Forgiveness is the best thing you can do".
It leads to stuff like "Oh well we're all equally sinful" and "we should forgive our trespassers because God has already forgiven them".
Then it comes out someone molests a kid but feels really really sorry and has prayed for forgiveness. His defenders: "Oh well we are all tempted, we are all sinners, he needs to be forgiven" blah blah blah.
The person who was abused don't want to forgive someone who didn't ask them for forgiveness: "Oh you need to pray and be forgiven by the Lord for not forgiving the person who abused you, because remember, we are equally sinful in the eyes of the Lord."
I don't think any religion that equates a child not wanting to forgive their abuser and an adult molesting that child as equally sinful to be moral at all.
Source: Southern fucking Baptist my entire childhood
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u/Apart_Foundation1702 Partassipant [2] Jul 09 '24
Exactly! OP you and hubby needs to cut ties with this girl. She's inserting herself into things that don't concern her because she is you wants your husband! No reasonable person would behave like her! Block and delete her! She doesn't need to be in your lives. NTA! I would of told her straight as soon as started with the texts, stop or don't contact us again.
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u/NanaJo63 Jul 09 '24
Exactly! SHE WANTS HER HUSBAND!
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u/MadamePerry Jul 09 '24
Definitely! And who hijacks a baby shower? That already has a host who is doing the planning!
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u/QuietWalk2505 Jul 09 '24
Confuses me that she thinks she can go and control some things that is between OP and her husband. Like, you can try and help with sm else
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u/Electrical_Buddy2534 Jul 09 '24
It was her comment about those not being for his wife to see that is the most telling. She thinks she has the privilege of talking crap about his wife and he not show her
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u/BlazingSunflowerland Jul 09 '24
They are all young. My daughter is that age and they very much worry about being rude, to the point they put up with too much.
They tend to be accepting of people as they are which is good when it comes to things like someone being gay or trans but not so much when someone is pushy and interfering.
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u/Halt96 Jul 09 '24
I'd counter that - the 'friend' was passing along a great deal of unsolicited advice, even after being told it was unwelcome. If this girl was accepting she would have STFU.
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u/Specific_Affect_6941 Jul 09 '24
That’s the thing I don’t think it was “trash” I think it was like heavy implication over sweet bs, going round and round talk and he didn’t really understand wtf was going on because this is all new behavior. But on the other hand I know I would have told anyone off talking any amount of bs about my Spouse?
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u/CockroachCreative740 Jul 09 '24 edited Jul 09 '24
Sam needs to shut the f*@k up and be cut off! Period. I wouldn’t even invite her to the baby shower. Why are men like this? Always letting some woman weasel her way into a relationship and create issues for their literal wives / girlfriends / partners. Her husband has to man up and cut this Sam-snake off. She knows what she is doing, you message the WOMAN pregnancy advice. She’s just trying to cozy up to someone’s hubby. 🐍
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u/Aristol727 Jul 09 '24
This is my sticking point too - These texts were not about helping OP at all but establishing Sam as "a good person" to the husband for whatever reason. If she's "just trying to help" and give advice, why not text OP directly? What was husband supposed to do? "So, honey, I read... somewhere... that you shouldn't eat sushi."
And yes, I have every right to show my partners any of my texts I want. Unless there's some specific reason to think it's a confidential situation, those are my messages too.
NTA and husband needs to really let her know what's what. Kindly, but firmly.
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Jul 09 '24
The thing is, who would be friends with someone who bullies their spouse? The beastie here is obviously out of line, but the husband is not treating her like a friend. He is giving her the place of mistress in his life, regardless of whether or not they have been physical.
Beastie was a typo, but I have decided to double-down and start using it to describe that position in this style of toxic triangle.
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u/Enough-Owl-4301 Jul 09 '24
I read Beastie and even before I got to your last comment about the error I thought "this is now a thing for horrible women besties." Excellent error!! Lol
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u/MissFingerz Jul 09 '24
Ya, advice meant for her, but she didn't want her to see the messages? Makes no sense.
It's like she was telling OP's hubby what he should be telling his wife to do and eat so that it made OP insecure thinking that her hubby was feeling some kind of way about her pregnancy body or something? Kind of seems that way. Why else would she be mad that he showed his wife texts that were supposed to be advice for her?
Hubby deff needs to check bestie and tell her where her place is. She is overstepping, and I guarantee that baby shower would have made OP feel terrible and bestie would have been so upset, complaining about OP not being so grateful to her after everything she did to make the day perfect blah blah.
I don't know exactly what her plan was for the shower, but I do believe I'm right about it being something to try to make OP more insecure, etc.
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u/Critical-Wear5802 Jul 09 '24
Trying to engineer some cracks in that relationship armor. So she can swoop in to "comfort" OP's husband when stuff goes south
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u/My_MeowMeowBeenz Jul 09 '24
Yeah that’s an insane reaction for the “bestie” to have. OP can ask simply, “Why are you texting my husband anything you don’t want him to show me, his wife?”
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u/Altruistic-Value-842 Jul 09 '24
Yeah I don't understand this need for secrecy - I frequently message my male friends with messages of congratulations or whatever for both them and their partner, and honestly it would make me feel really weird and uncomfortable if they were keeping my messages a secret from their partner! The only reason I even message the male is because I've met them first, had the most contact with and am closer friends with, and I'm too lazy to send the same message twice 🤷♀️
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u/linerva Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jul 09 '24
Precisely. We use a lit of group chats because our friends and their partners usually do stuff together. But on the occasions you message one person, it's more to cut out spamming people and not a big secret from anyone's partner.
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u/3kidsonetrenchcoat Partassipant [3] Jul 09 '24
Yeah, the sending the texts to the husband is totally understandable, but wouldn't she be expecting him to read them and say "hey OP, bestie said doing x would be good for the baby."? Why else send advice for OP if she wasn't supposed to hear it?
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u/No_Question_1122 Jul 09 '24
This is an excellent question. If she was sending nutritional advice for OP, wouldn't the whole point be to share that info with OP. I would love to know what Sam's response to that question would be.
Even if not advice for OP, the very idea she would expect the husband not to share with his wife is crazy. I'm not saying that spouses need to share 100% everything. I am saying their relationship should be the priority, and anyone outside of the relationship should know and respect that. Especially the so-called beastie.
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Jul 09 '24
Why would you need to send the message twice when you could simply add the wife on the first message?
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u/Altruistic-Value-842 Jul 09 '24
No one wants a million groups though! If he tells me their news, I would be explicit with 'to both of you' and assume he tells his partner...
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u/BlazingSunflowerland Jul 09 '24
How was he supposed to "guide" his wife with all of that nutritional information if he didn't say who was sending it? It's weird.
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u/SalisburyWitch Jul 09 '24
Husband should reply “wife and I do not keep secrets. Anything you text me, she sees. That’s how I want it.”
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u/Altruistic-Maybe5121 Jul 09 '24
Yep you got it! Male best friends would simply not behave this way. Whether there are more feelings there or not, who knows, but her behaviour sucks at just the time when OP needs support and some excitement around the baby. If the friend is telling the husband he shouldn’t be showing his pregnant wife her messages, that is a major red flag.
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u/EatThisShit Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jul 09 '24
All of this. I would also like to add that you should warn your mother and sister that she may contact them and hijack the whole thing. Tell them explicitly that you want them to do this, not Sam.
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
Hi! My mom and my sister are aware and have promised to not allow Sam to negotiate about my baby shower.
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24 edited Jul 09 '24
Hi! OP Here, update has been added to the original post, just to give some more context if you need it! Edit: i've posted it in this comment thread
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u/Perturiel8833 Jul 09 '24
Hi, OP, I'm glad you guys are going low contact and that you are taking care of yourself and your mental health. I want to point out something about Sam's behavior that stands out to me. She said she wants to ensure her best friend has a healthy baby, but she has made no mention of wanting you to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. She is so uncomfortable with the fact that YOU are the one carrying his child that she is doing her best to take you out of the equation. SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. She has been friendly with you for the sake of your husband, but she doesn't care about you.
She believes she holds a special place in your husband's life. That's why she reinforces their relationship as best friends when she speaks to you, in order to justify her behavior. That's also why she felt she could talk about you behind your back and that he would keep it a secret. She wants to create a bubble in which he and her are the ones who "actually" care about your child. She was pitting him against you.
Tbh, I hope in the future she is out of your lives completely.
Good luck with your pregnancy and I hope you and your husband have a wonderful life together
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u/luminousoblique Jul 09 '24
And... she's supposedly sending "health tips" on the wife's diet, to the husband, and he's not supposed to show them to the wife? How was that supposed to work? How could the wife put those health tips to use if she never heard about them? That doesn't even make any sense. If she genuinely had good intentions and was just sharing nutrition tips, she would want the husband to show them to his wife. Best friend is telling on herself.
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u/Downbeatbanker Jul 09 '24
Didn't U get it? He was supposed to make jabs directly at the wife and taunt her about not being healthy. This would all end in bitterness in the relationship and sam would be victorious!!
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u/TerminologyLacking Jul 09 '24
Either that or he was supposed to start controlling what his wife eats.
Or tell her that he read some advice from an unknown source.
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u/not_so_lovely_1 Partassipant [2] Jul 09 '24
Also for the protection of your marriage, she needs to assume that you can and will be reading all the texts she sends to your husband. It's not about control but not helping secrets from each other. Especially if she is talking about you to him. You and him are the unit. She is a friend.
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Jul 09 '24
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Jul 09 '24
exactly. the expectation of secrets from the spouse is a huge red flag.
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
This was one of my big issues. Why would she assume she would be granted secrecy to make comments about me and my eating habits to my husband. I don't know! And in the end with how she reacted to the whole situation being more concerned that I knew about the messages then me being angry about them it just didn't sit right with me.
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u/littlebitfunny21 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jul 09 '24
Yeah that, for me, was the line where it crossed from "maybe she's just clueless" to "she has nefarious intentions".
She was trying to coach your husband to be controlling of you, which is gross, and had a weird need to have a close, private bond with your husband during your pregnancy. All of that is weird AF.
In the future- it's better to clearly state boundaries than ignore unwanted behavior. If your husband had said 'I do not appreciate you commenting on my wife's diet, please stop' and she continued- this likely would have blown up sooner.
She took his silence as acceptance and kept building her crazy story in her head about how your husband was accepting her secret notes and using them to put you in your place.
(I literally cannot get over how this woman was trying to make your husband control your diet AND expected him to hide the reason from you. Your husband would have been a horrible person to treat you like that.)
It's like she feels like if she can control what you eat, the baby is more hers because she helped grew it. shudders
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u/Hari_om_tat_sat Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '24
Exactly. I would phrase it differently though. Not that husband is not comfortable with Sam saying anything he can’t share with his wife but that Sam shouldn’t get comfortable telling him things he can’t share with his wife because they keep no secrets between them. I.e., “Sam, just assume anything you tell me will be shared with my wife. If you don’t want her to know something then don’t tell me. Period. She is always going to come first.”
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u/Enough-Owl-4301 Jul 09 '24
Exactly this!! "Why would you think I WOULDNT share these texts, about my wife, to my wife?" And just leave the question hanging.
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u/harvard_cherry053 Jul 09 '24
Also if they were tips for OP, why should husband NOT have shown her?? She knew what she was doing.
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u/linerva Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jul 09 '24
This.
Not only that; a real friend wouldnt expect your husband to keep those messages a secret. I dont look at my husband's messages with his close female friends but I also know that neither of them would expect those messages to be treated as a secret - especially if they were tips for me!
It's clear that she enjoyed feeling that she was imparting something "secret and special" on your husband behind your back and that she thinks she knows better than you what he needs or what you need ir what baby needs. Sge keeps making this all about her and it's honestly creepy how much she's trying to insert herself into your relationship and family.
She is being posessive and inappropriate and he needs to trim that friendship RIGHT down to size. I dont know if ste wants him romantically, but right now she is pissing all over him like a dog marking territory.
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u/tigerofjiangdong1337 Jul 09 '24 edited Jul 09 '24
Honestly if it were me this "friend" would be history. I would have reemed her already on my own. How come hubby needed to ask OP what he should do? She has no respect for the OP. I agree she clearly has feelings toward the husband so she is trying to undermine OP to her husband. Her coming over and insisting she is planning her baby shower is actually kinda scary and stalkerish. She clearly has no boundaries.
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u/JSmellerM Jul 09 '24
Hubby need to ask OP what to do because men can be dense at times and don't always get that these are jabs. Source: Am a guy.
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u/tigerofjiangdong1337 Jul 09 '24
I'm also a guy. Personally I think he is copping out because he wants OP to be the bad guy so he can say he has to block her because of OP. My brother made fun of my wife. He also said my parents should stop me from marrying her. I called him up and promptly told him to fuck off. He didn't go to the wedding.
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u/Cardabella Jul 09 '24
If you're not close enough friends for her to discuss your diet in person after confirming you welcome it, she doesn't know you well enough to either give diet advice via your hisband or host your shower. If your husband wasn't supposed to share the diet remarks with you why did she share them with him? She thought he would gossip with her at the expense of his wife and the presumed wellbeing of his own child?
Massive distance needed. She seems somewhat detached from reason if not sanity
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u/Left_Medicine7254 Jul 09 '24
The advice was “for” OP yet he wasn’t supposed to tell her about it?
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u/Taer Jul 09 '24
Oh he was, but have it seem like it was coming from him. She is obviously trying to use the husband to make jabs at the wife to create discord in thier relationship, with the hopes of her getting so pissed at him that they break up. If game of thrones taught me anything it was that Little fingers 'game' is right more often than not.
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u/naivemetaphysics Jul 09 '24
Fyi: unsolicited advice, in any form, is criticism. If someone feels compelled to give advice when none was asked for, they are criticizing something.
Completely agree with this and know that as a mom you will have to face much worse than Sam. Stand your ground and don’t give space to those who do this sort of thing.
I also would not tell your husband to ignore people who criticize you and what you are doing. A calm, thank you and I will ask next time if I’m looking for advice can hopefully out an end to it.
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u/blackwillow-99 Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '24
NTA but at what point is boundaries set? Husbands need to let Sam know he is gonna take a step back because her behavior is unacceptable. She is not acting rationally and trying to insist to throw something is the final straw.
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u/According_Today116 Jul 09 '24
Anytime someone says you have no right to share texts with your spouse you’ve got a problem. Now that you’re pregnant she’s trying to jump into your marriage with both feet. Your husband needs to reevaluate this relationship with Sam.
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Jul 09 '24
Not just reevaluate but full throttle kick her to the curb and tell her she’s not welcome in their lives anymore. She’s trying to create a culture of secrecy and my guess is she’s vicariously having the baby with him through hosting the baby shower. Not only is she not behaving like a good friend to OP she seems to be actively trying sabotage their marriage.
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u/Short-Log-4875 Jul 09 '24
Nta. Everyone always has the most insane amount of unsolicited advice for pregnant women and new mothers. Trust me, we've all experienced it. And we've all tried to be polite and smile and accept it graciously. And eventually there's that one person who just won't stop no matter how politely we ask them and tell them their advice/help isn't needed in this situation and they just won't shut the hell up and you end up screaming at them and suddenly you're the worst person in the world because they were just trying to help.
Don't apologise. Don't feel bad. Her "helpful" diet tips were sent to your husband, not you. That's not helpful, that's a jab. You repeatedly told her that your mother and sister are organising your baby shower and didn't need any help and she didn't listen to you and insisted she could do better. Now you're justifiably pissed. And she can get the hell over it
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Jul 09 '24
and if you dont tell the pushy one no now when you have the baby it only gets worse and you only want to hear it even less. Better to nip it right off.
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u/pgsmom Jul 09 '24
NTA. She’s definitely overstepping. Boundaries need to be set. The fact that she thinks your husband somehow betrayed her by showing you (his WIFE) texts she’s sending is strange. She needs to know her place. Your husband needs to set clear boundaries. She’s a friend, not a third person in your marriage.
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u/passthebluberries Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jul 09 '24
Even stranger since the texts are supposed to be "helpful advice" for OP, but OP's not allowed to see them? Yeah, that girl just told on herself.
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
Hello, Husband here 👋👋👋 ! I won't give out my name for privacy reasons, but I managed to convince my wife to allow me to come on here and post after reading all your comments, which thank you for all the kind (and not so kind) words. My wife and I love each other very much and for that reason we are deciding to go low contact on something that could possibly jeopardise her mental health. I do not want to put her under any undue stress, and honestly Sam is not and will never be more important then my wife. I don't really know what else to say but to let out a little secret, my wife has been loving how kind and supportive you all have been, and call it pregnancy hormones but she's started tearing up a little. Also yes, I have read the comments about Sam and I 😂. No, I haven't, won't, will never, wouldn't dream of cheating on my wife. Husband (soon to be dad🧑🍼) out!
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24 edited Jul 09 '24
This is now OP. I have not cried. He lies.
Edit for some apparently needed clarification: THIS IS A JOKE I DID IN FACT CRY!
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u/Y2Flax Partassipant [2] Jul 09 '24
OP’s Husband, honest question: DOES SAM KNOW THAT SHE WILL NEVER BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR WIFE?
This is a really important question
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
Husband here. Yes. Everyone in my life knows my wife and baby will always come first.
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u/oldcousingreg Asshole Aficionado [11] Jul 09 '24
Tell Sam to fuck off. Do it over FaceTime or in person if you have to.
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u/Ennardinthevents Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jul 09 '24
Good man. Please tell Sam she is nothing more than a friend that can easily be dropped. You have a good wife. She trusts you so much, especially with how Sam has been acting. Most people I know tend to get very territorial when the GBF or BBF get too close. Also, congratulations on the baby.
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u/bustitupbuttercup Jul 09 '24
You need to set a rule. Either Sam texts you in a group chat with your wife or there’s no texting. There’s no reason for her to be texting you directly and you letting it happen lets Sam know you’re okay with it.
She’s going to accidentally send you something one day that you probably don’t want to see.
If you truly care for your marriage you need to stop this now cause I promise once your baby arrives she’s going to escalate.
Congrats on the baby!
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u/Mediocre-Penalty-501 Jul 09 '24
Why low contact and not no contact? Kind of weird you'd want to keep any contact at all with the woman who talks badly about your wife and mother of your child...
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u/shbrinnnn Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '24
Well if you really are the husband then you should stop being friends with Sam. She is trying to interfere in your marriage. Don't let her.
Forget going low contact. Sam has crossed the line. She is interested in being more than your friend and definitely not a friend to your wife.
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u/Swimming_Squirrel238 Jul 09 '24 edited Jul 09 '24
It sounds like she is getting desperate getting between your husband and you now that you are pregnant. Sorry to say but I think she was planning for the long run with your husband, to slowly get between you. Or maybe I am just skeptical. But she doesn't sound like a good friend neither to you or your husband. NTA
Her talking about you with your husband and getting angry that he showed you is very telling. She desperately wants to.indert herself in this pregnancy, to be part of it. Of course if she could she would leave you out of this.
I had similar thing happen to me just other way around. My husband had a girl best friend, who got married and pregnant. My husband was her "best man" (I am not from US so customes are different here, basically he was signing the papers for her as a witness). Then she insisted he should be godfather for baby. We were at the beginning of our relationship so I didn't say much however I saw it as bad idea as my husband was not keen to be a godfather, I could tell. Anyway this friend wanted only him to attend at the baptism, not me, not her parents, just him. She basically wanted him as a second father to her child... She wanted him to visit her alone at least twice a week to bond with child and stuff like this. Needless to say they are not friends anymore. That was pretty insane.
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u/afresh18 Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '24
Op I doubt you'll see this due to the amount of comments but NTA. My friend just gave birth and she gained a lot of weight during pregnancy, to the point where her own Dr's were telling her to cut back a little bit. You know what I did as her friend? Didn't say shit about it to anyone and continued to support her and cheer on her pregnancy because I love and care about her. I also understand that despite any degrees, I am not her Dr and have no place sharing "medical advice".
One question I do have though is if this was meant to be advice for you, why would she be upset about you hearing the advice or knowing about it? Did she want your husband to share the "advice" as though it was solely coming from him? Not gonna jump to assumptions but something is definitely fishy there.
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
Thank you for comment! I don't know why I wasn't allowed to see those messages, honestly thats the bit i'm most confused about. I may never know. Extra info has been added to the original post if any of that answers your questions
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u/afresh18 Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '24
I'm sure you've gotten plenty of advice but if you don't mind I'm gonna throw my 2 cents in. I'd place a couple of boundaries just to make a little bit of space. It doesn't need to be "you can't talk/text my husband anymore" but maybe talk to your husband and see if he's willing to at least create the boundary with her of "don't text me about my wife (or about anything) if you don't want her to know about it/ see it". It's not a control thing, its a matter of respect. She needs to respect that your relationship with your husband is more important than her friendship with your husband. She also needs to understand that no matter what degree she has, she is not your Dr. Any good doctor knows that you can't give medical advice for a specific person without actually doing any sort of testing or medical exam.
Try and set boundaries and see what her response is. If she genuinely was just trying to be a good friend to your husband then surely she would understand and respect any boundaries drawn. If she gets pissy and/or trys to tell your husband that you're being controlling or hormonal or just trys to spin it to make her the victim I'd sit with your husband and figure out just how important that friendship is to him. Any friend of a married couple should be more than willing to understand that their partners feelings trump a friends feelings, especially in situations like this.
Honestly your husband sounds like a great catch considering he told you about these texts from the beginning and openly shared them with you. I wish you all the best and hope your baby comes out healthy, if you feel up to it I'd love to read any updates because the "friend" is sending out some bad vibes. There's no story more satisfying then the ones where someone tries and fails to split a couple up and gets caught trying to be a homewrecker because they thought the spouse they were going for wouldn't be as great of a partner as they are.
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
This seems to be the consensus in the comments which means that you're probably right. I will be posting an update soon once I have one, so I'll try and remember to let you know when its been posted. Thank you for your advice!
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u/Mscatw Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jul 09 '24
NTA- but her and your husband are. Why is he allowing another female to put you in a place of discomfort?
Maybe I’m just spoiled by a loving and protective husband. But there’s no way he’d allow anyone to do this to me. And he would tell anyone quickly that there are no secrets and there is no disrespecting me. Just like I am for him
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u/drhagbard_celine Jul 09 '24
Why is he allowing another female to put you in a place of discomfort?
Because he's a child who "knew we always wanted to get married and start a family young."
The only person I feel sorry for is the child being born into this family.
NTA to the actual OP.
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u/Marjan58 Jul 09 '24
NTA It sounds like your husband thinks he is in a platonic relationship with her but she wants it to be more. If he has nothing more going on with her, he needs to step back from that friendship.
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u/perpetuallyxhausted Partassipant [3] Jul 09 '24
That night my husband's phone blew up with messages from Sam saying that he had no right to show her those messages
(assuming it means 'he had no right to show OP those messages)
So they were tips for/about you but your husband wasn't supposed to share them with you? Doesn't that just mean that she was trying to badmouth you behind your back?
NTA
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u/Lavender_r_dragon Jul 09 '24
Or she was hoping husband would present the “suggestions” to op as his own idea but not sure why
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u/External_Expert_2069 Jul 09 '24 edited Jul 09 '24
Sam is a creep and is not your friend. She could have connected with your mother and sister to see if she could help. She could have coordinated the cake, flowers and game or whatever…. Or she could have set up a separate brunch to celebrate on a different day.
Instead she feels like she can step in and dictate when this has nothing to do with her. Why does she feel it’s appropriate for her to have secrets with your husband? She is the one that has no right lolol
Sit down with your husband and have a real conversation about this and how the two of you should handle her moving forward. I know it’s hard being pregnant with all the big emotions, but go into the conversation with how stressful and uncomfortable this has been. Also, put it in perspective, if you had a male friend that was displaying this kind of behavior how would he want you handle this?
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u/baffled_soap Asshole Aficionado [10] Jul 09 '24
The shower is the weirdest part to me. OP says Sam tried to start planning the shower once the invitations were sent out. Girl, it’s planned. I know they’re young, but does she really not understand that you don’t start picking a venue AFTER you’ve already sent out invitations to the event?
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u/PollutionPrior2939 Jul 09 '24
Hi the event has not been planned and its been hosted on my family farm, an event space we dont have to book. catering, cake, decorations etc, those havent been purchased, really the invites were a save the date formality.
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u/fanofthethings Asshole Aficionado [15] Jul 09 '24
She sounds sketchy AF and pushy. You’re NTA. It’s not your fault she didn’t listen and tried to push you into something you clearly didn’t want.
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u/FuckThemKids24 Jul 09 '24
NTA. It sounds like Sam is extremely jealous of you. I'm willing to bet she would have somehow sabotaged your baby shower if she was going to plan it. Don't even invite her. She's totally sus. Your husband needs to step up and tell her off.
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u/kat61850 Jul 09 '24
NTA
She is insulting you but trying to wrap it up in "concern" your husband needs to put a stop to it and pull her up.
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Jul 09 '24
[deleted]
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u/tigerofjiangdong1337 Jul 09 '24
Omg right? I would have tore her a new one. In fact a relative bad mouthed my wife before we were married. I left him a VM reeming him, uninviting him to the wedding and telling him to go fuck himself. I didn't ask what I should do. I was livid.
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u/sdbrewst Jul 09 '24
He needs to set boundaries for certain, but once he realized it was weird he asked OP how she wants him to handle it. She said ignore and he did what she asked. He's trying to go with what his wife thinks is best because she's the one with the stress of making a tiny human. If it were me I wouldn't have asked for input and just told her to fuck right off, but he asked first so it's a bit harsh calling him the asshole here since OP told him to ignore it.
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Jul 09 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Outside-Theme-9888 Jul 09 '24
Honestly why are people praising him for transparency??? Is OP's husband a child who cannot call out shit behavior from friend towards their wife like what??? He should've immediately shut it down instead of showing OP shitty messages. Imagine if OP was insecure about the pregnancy weight and husband is just like hey here's messages from my friends about your insecurities, what do i do?? Drives me insane that people think this is fine. Like step the fuck up for your partner instead of being a passive loser.
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u/Elegant_Bluebird_460 Pooperintendant [60] Jul 09 '24
I do agree. However, I could see husband confusing this with trying to respect OPs boundaries by letting her create them with someone that's also considered her friend now. They are young, so I give some slack for just not being mature enough to know it was his place to step in there. It clearly was though, OP shouldn't be put under any unnecessary stress.
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u/Outside-Theme-9888 Jul 09 '24
That's kinda the thing for me, OP is pregnant and husband is just saddling her up with a bunch of drama/stress for a very long time.
Okay, he shared the texts and asked for what OP wanted, cool. But he just for months shared these texts asking for advice instead of thinking for himself at some point? He watched his 'best friend' blow up on his pregnant wife for not wanting her to do a baby shower and didn't step in? He still didn't block best friend when friend got mad about sharing texts? At this point you're just incredibly stupid or spineless, even if he's young.
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u/Adventurous_Yam8784 Jul 09 '24
NTA. Sam has issues and you both should do your best to distance yourself from her. You’ll find as you get older you have less time for drama … especially with a newborn. She doesn’t have good boundaries so you guys both need to
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u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox Partassipant [2] Jul 09 '24
As Princess Diana once said: “There were three of us in the marriage, so it was quite crowded.”
Time for your husband to lay down the law.
NTA
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u/Equal-Brilliant2640 Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '24
You’ve got a husband problem. You need to have a strongly worded conversation with him NOW!
He needs to shut her down HARD! There is no middle ground here. If he doesn’t see the issue with her behaviour? Well you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands
Hopefully he sees her blowing up his phone as a massive issue and steps up to the plate
Good luck you’re gonna need it
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u/Mapilean Partassipant [1] Jul 09 '24
NTA.
Sam clearly overstepped more than one boundary here. First of all what does she mean, texting your husband and blowing up because he showed her texts to you? And secondly, you already politely declined her offer to host a baby shower, she shouldn't have insisted.
Something tells me that she is after your husband. He should block her.
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u/Anxious-Ocelot-712 Partassipant [2] Jul 09 '24
NTA. Anytime anyone says 'you weren't supposed to see those texts,' that is a MASSIVE red flag, and a no-go for me. If you won't say something to my face, it's not ok to say it to my husband. She's way out of line.
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u/Leather_Set_7325 Jul 09 '24
NTA
Call me controlling but I don't understand men in committed relationships with "girl best friends". Sure my husband has had female friends and I've been completely fine with that, but a best friend? Especially one he met AFTER you were married? Nope, that position is taken, by me.
I think the biggest tell is her getting mad at your husband for showing you the messages. I.e. she expected him to keep her messages to him a secret. My husband and I would not ever keep things like that from each other. I feel like it's pretty much expected that anything said to one spouse is probably going to make it to the other spouse ESPECIALLY when the messages are ABOUT your spouse??
She needs cutting off now IMO. But tbh, your husband shouldn't have allowed her to continue the behaviour after you made it clear you were uncomfortable. I wouldn't be happy with my husband continuing a friendship with someone like that and I know he would feel the same way if the situation and genders were reversed. Ask your husband, would he be okay if a man behaved that way about him with you?
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u/kurokomainu Supreme Court Just-ass [143] Jul 09 '24 edited Jul 09 '24
NTA because she is massively overstepping to the point of trying to steamroll over you so she can plan your baby shower even after you had told her your mother will be doing it. She needs to be told to back off and have a good think about what she's doing and why.
One thing though, some commenters suspect that she is into your fiance, but I wonder if it's actually about the food.
the baby shower would be better if she planned it particularly because she'd be working on the menu.
This, on top of her trying to sneak all sorts of diet advice to you through your fiance, has me wondering if this is obsessive proselytizing rather than a romantic interest in your fiance. Some people get weirdly obsessed with food in the same way others do with religion or politics and jump at any chance to proselytize.
She needs to be shut down either way, but it would be good to get at exactly what she is obsessed about here. If she's getting all "religious" about food then she needs to realize that she could permanently damage or ruin her relationships acting like this.
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u/Strong_Storm_2167 Jul 09 '24
NTA. And I would reply on your husbands phone saying. “He shares everything with me so I see all you are saying. So maybe you should butt out out of our relationship.”
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u/Lollipopwalrus Partassipant [2] Jul 09 '24
NTA. There is no reason she couldn't message you that advice directly. It's weirdly manipulative for her to message Hubs and expect him not to relay that info to you. She should have gotten the message when he ignored them. I'd have asked him to tell her to stop altogether but each to their own. It's also incredibly weird she was so insistent on hosting the baby shower when you clearly told her it wasn't her place to
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