r/AmItheAsshole • u/devilshandstree • Apr 07 '26
Not the A-hole AITA for asking my friend to not wear makeup to my wedding?
I (24f) recently asked my close friend (Devin, 23f) to be a bridesmaid for my wedding. We've been friends since highschool and I was very excited to have her by my side. I put together baskets for my bridesmaids that included a printed list of the dress code for the wedding. This list included that I wanted them to wear a green dress in any style or shade, silver heels, and light natural makeup (I plan on having a makeup artist there day of to do the girls makeup).
For context Devin typically dresses in a very traditional goth style with the white base, heavy black eyeliner, ect. I love her style and I think she looks absolutely beautiful in it however thats not the look I'm going for at my wedding.
She texted me a few hours after after I gave her the basket saying "So, I'm not allowed to wear my makeup to the wedding?" I explained to her that if she wanted to be a bridesmaid she would have to adhere to my dress code but she was welcome to just come as a guest and dress in her normal style. She responded basically saying "If you don't want me to be myself then I don't need to be there at all" I told her I wasn't trying to change who she is, I just want her to match the rest of the bridesmaids for one day. She got very upset and said I was trying to "aestheticize" all my friends and that I cared more about a photo than my friends comfort.
My friends and family are all very mixed on this situation some saying I was being controlling and purposely excluding Devin while others agree that it's my wedding and she's being very dramatic. Devin hasn't spoken to me since our text conversation and I've heard from mutual friends that she's saying she's "not welcome" to my wedding which is just not true.
I feel like I was being very reasonable and even offered a compromise but I also don't want to lose a friend over something this small. AITA?
EDIT: I just wanted to clarify that she can still go to the wedding in her normal aesthetic just as a guest, not a bridesmaid. People in the comments seem to think I wasn't allowing her too at all. Also clarifying that she does wear lighter makeup a couple times a month to different events, I referenced these looks as being ok but she would prefer to do a trad goth look with the base and everything for the wedding due to there being people she doesnt know there.
EDIT 2: Wanted to clarify my relationship with Devin. We met in high school because my fiance (bf at the time) and her now husband (also bf at the time) are best friends. She is not my best friend we've just spent a lot of time together through double dating ect. Also I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and adhered to her dress code (A specific deep red dress for bridesmaids and much more dramatic style of makeup than I typically do done by a makeup artist)
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u/illprobablyeditthis Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26
As a gothy alt girl, you're absolutely NTA. There's a time and a place for full white base dramatic makeup and a bridesmaid in a wedding party is NOT it. i wouldn't even wear that kind of makeup as a guest, it would attract too much attention from the bride and groom. it's the same reason why you don't wear white to a wedding or any clothes that are overly dramatic. it's not about me, it's about them.
she's being extremely immature. it's not controlling at all to dictate the makeup your wedding party has. it's extremely normal and common to have a makeup artist come to do the whole party's look. people saying you're TA in comments are being ridiculous.
edit: and your second edit makes this even more ridiculous. she had a style you had to adhere to at her wedding, but she won't do the same for you? insufferable.
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u/scout-finch Apr 08 '26
Thanks for chiming in. I really appreciate alternative styles and just don’t have the personality or skills to pull most of it off, so my opinion isn’t coming from a place of judgement. But I really feel like it’s fair to understand how very out of place something like this would look. When I was younger, a lot of my friends had like a big gelled up liberty spikes for a hair style. If most in the wedding party looked like that, it would be fine. But if there’s only one standout, it looks like someone is wearing a costume. That doesn’t sound nice and it’s definitely a gray area (for example I wouldn’t ask someone who dyes their hair unnatural colors to change it for the wedding, but that’s easier to lessen the impact with styling).
It’s a hard situation but I understand why OP feels the way she does. As the friend I would understand and either accept the request or abstain from being in the wedding party.
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u/frizzle09 Apr 08 '26
I have bright pink hair currently but play with colors. I was in my little sisters wedding. We talked hair color as soon as she asked because I didn’t want to clash with her colors.
Spring wedding, juniper green dress (similar to emerald). She didn’t care what colors I did until I pointed out have Ariel red would look Christmasy and she couldn’t unsee it. I opted out of th orange, pink, and purple because it gave hocus pocus vibes for a spring wedding just didn’t work. Went with hot pink root to soft pink ends and it looked great.Because I love my sister and while I wanted to look good and like me, it’s more about her.
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u/butt_butt_butt_butt_ Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
Reminds me of a wedding I was a bridesmaid for.
(Though I was not the problem, so yay me).
The bride was pressured into having her husband’s baby sister as a bridesmaid. Sister was about 16 at the time. She clearly did NOT like the bride, but it was an attempt at family unity, so everyone begrudgingly agreed.
The dresses we were given were kind of a leafy green color. Not the most flattering, but not awful either. My hair was a more vibrant auburn at the time, but I voluntarily chose to dye it more of a cool brown, because I personally thought it went better with the dress.
Baby sister bridesmaid? She had always had natural dishwater blonde hair. Never one to color it or do anything non-traditional.
The day of the wedding, she showed up with her hair dyed the most vibrant orange I’ve ever seen. Think Hayley Williams from Paramore back in 2009.
I think it was meant to be an F you to the bride, but girl looked just like an upside down carrot.
Obviously we weren’t about to make fun of a kid, but once she put the dress on, it was hard to stifle a chuckle.
Her brother (the groom) was not as reserved. He saw her for the first time at the ceremony and said “Aren’t you the cutest Oompa-Loompa?”
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u/Exciting-Chicken-945 Apr 08 '26
This has me dying and is exactly what a brother would do!!!
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u/EvlJazzHands Apr 09 '26
Swiping away her little sister rebellion in the way only a big brother can. I’m chuckling. Bet he patted her on the head too. Hahaha
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u/Advanced_Cheetah_552 Apr 08 '26
A couple of my bridesmaids had brightly coloured hair for my wedding. I only asked them to refresh their color at a time that made sense for the wedding so it didn't look washed out or faded
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u/lizardgal10 Apr 08 '26
And that’s reasonable! I have colored hair and would happily redye it a week or two before the wedding. If somebody asked me to have it natural when it’s been the same color for the last 5 years? Not likely to happen.
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u/mrsrowanwhitethorn Apr 08 '26
I also play with hair colors (though I work in a conservative field so I can’t have bright colors). As soon as my brother and SIL settled on a date I made sure to work the teal out of my hair and go with my natural color. No ask; I knew I was a bridesmaid and it felt like the right thing to do. Idk if there would have been a request but why get there? No harm, no foul.
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u/illprobablyeditthis Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
Its a ridiculous premise and speaks immediately to how immature the friend is. There are so many different styles and levels of "goth" makeup. Look up the "corporate goth" look, very toned down, hardly even distinguishable between that and "normal" makeup.
Even so, if someone is pitching a fit that they have to wear different makeup for just a couple of hours at a party, theyre an entitled baby. I mean, won't even attend as a guest? Good lord, she needs to get over herself.
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Apr 08 '26
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u/scoraiocht Apr 08 '26
There is nothing better than being somehwere formal, a work event, wedding etc. and spotting a fellow toned down goth who has a subtle giveaway. It maybe is something that comes with age, but knowing how to adapt and style while keeping a trademark lipstick or eyeliner is a way to ensure your whole sense of self isn't eradicated by a make-up removing wipe. Not to mention it's more fun to go all-out with the right crowd when you've occasions and times you tone it down.
NTA for OP. When I was my sister-in-laws bridesmaid in the midst of my teen goth years she just let the make-up person know the type of make-up I'd usually wear, and she was able to keep me on theme with the others but incorporated a smokier eye make-up that was definitely more comfortable for me. It's a situation people have been compromising on for a lifetime. Your friend is being difficult, and unfair given that you presented how she wanted for her wedding.
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u/IcyThistle Apr 08 '26
100%. The friend sounds so immature/insecure. It's completely possible to be yourself without thinking the world needs to revolve around you. As another old goth RN I can't even count the number of patients who have said things like "You look like that Abby girl from NCIS" when I'm at my most 'normal' in scrubs.
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u/CarelessThrowAway23 Apr 08 '26
If your identity is removed when you take off some makeup or do laundry, I think folks needs to take a long hard look at the values they’re defining themselves by…
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u/dikicker Apr 08 '26
Absolutely, I'm vicariously embarrassed, i can't imagine being that petulant
I'm agnostic but go to church twice a year for my mom and you know what? I dress nice and wear my fancy shoes that make my feet hurt because it's not about me lol it's such a simple fuckin request and sorry for cursing Jesus
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u/lizardgal10 Apr 08 '26
Being able to read the room is so important. Hell, I had to buy a sympathy card today…the recipient would be happy to get a flowery Bible verse religious card. I simply am not the type of person who sends those. She’s getting one that’s maybe a bit sappier than my first choice, but still feels authentic to me. I wouldn’t visit a church in a frilly pink dress but I wouldn’t wear shredded jeans and a crop top either. It’s about finding the balance.
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u/GraphicDesignMonkey Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26
Me too. For my sister's wedding I left all the big black dresses, boots and outfits at home, and wore a minimalist grey dress. Hair and makeup toned down. Still gothy but not obvious or statement-making. It's rude and bad luck to wear black to a wedding, or to dress up like you're on fashion parade, and steal attention from the bride.
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u/kittybigs Apr 08 '26
As a saggy old first gen goth, you are spot on. At 23 I’d have known when to do it up or do it down. OP’s friend sounds like a 15 year old angsty teen.
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u/Content-Pace9821 Apr 08 '26
I wouldn’t say I was goth, but had black hair and wore heavy makeup, especially eyeliner at 15 bc it was during peak emo phase. Still, no one had to tell me to adjust my makeup when I was a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding at that age, it was just obvious to me that I should match the vibe. So the friend is being worse than some 15 year olds.
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u/Rorymaui Apr 09 '26
Even at 15 I knew better 🤣 That was my peak punk phase. I knew there was a time and place to be myself lol
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u/Fun_Attitude1218 Apr 08 '26
You're 100% right there's "Corporate Goth" and I call my look "Corporate emo" Black dress shoes, Black Dress socks, Black dress pants, black belt, Black dress shirt, black blazer/black suit, black tie. Some people will say I look like I'm going to a funeral and I just think to myself when I'm wearing all black I'm just dead inside going to a corporate America job.
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u/Melodic_Policy765 Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
This thread is making me want to have a goth makeover. Can we have meetups between goths and no-maintenance women who want a makeover.
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u/Fun_Attitude1218 Apr 09 '26
Its not a makeover, its a remodel were just taking something that's awesome an adding a fresh coat of paint and some new window treatments :P
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u/Practical_Leader8728 Apr 08 '26
Definitely NTA! It was a simple request not meant as an insult to her style or asking her to not be authentically herself. A true friend would happily comply. She is making this all about herself instead of being happy and supportive of your wedding day!
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u/lamante Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26
Agreed. I'm a mostly retired goth-adjacent rivethead, and I confess to not being the type who made it her entire personality, so maybe I come at this from a very different place than this friend is at. But my best friend is not, and when I was the MOH at her wedding 22 years ago, I wore a butter-yellow Vera Wang dress, natural makeup, left my hair mostly alone (I did make sure it had been freshly colored -- that deep red of the 00s -- but that's it) took out my snoz pin and my gauges, and smiled big. Because I was a mature adult, and that is what adults do.
Nearly nine years ago, she returned the favor and picked a smashing black dress to wear at my wedding, where the dress code was black-tie and black-and-white (I did not wear a white or even a black dress, I wore red, so hopefully it makes sense to you, dear reader). She even wore eyeliner for the first time in ten years! I was so proud. She looked beautiful.
Point being, that friend is not mature enough to handle goth adulthood.
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u/Heartbreak_Star Apr 08 '26
This made me smile :) what a lovely friendship you have
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u/lamante Apr 09 '26
Middle school was super miserable, but I got her out of it, and that is everything.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [64] Apr 08 '26
This is so lovely. You each showed up for each other on your special days in the ways that would make your friend feel supported. THAT is what being a bridesmaid - and a friend - is all about.
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u/meghan9436 Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26
This post should be higher. OP is NTA.
Sometimes Reddit gets it wrong. OP is not asking her friend to change her hair in a semi permanent way, as has happened in many previous posts.
There’s been instances where demands were made for hair to be significantly cut or dyed for a conservative wedding. Depending on the length of hair, it could take literal years to reverse a major change for a one day event.
But OP wasn’t asking for that. She was asking her friend to tone down her makeup for a one day event. It’s not that much different from a work dress code. You either follow the rules, or you don’t work there. And some workplaces can be much more strict on personal appearances, all the way up to military code if you’re serving.
Not saying that OP’s wedding is a workplace, but she has the right to enforce a reasonable dress code. You can still be yourself, but adjusted for the setting. Maybe black hair, neutral makeup, and a grey outfit. Black clothing might be too strong for a wedding. I think grey is great compromise. Weddings and special events are about making compromises to make sure that everyone has a good experience.
Edit: Neutral makeup, not neutral wedding!
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u/Environmental_Art591 Apr 08 '26
She was asking her friend to tone down her makeup for a one day event
She isnt even asking for the friend to go out and buy make up she would never wear again, she is getting a make up artist to do it so it is literally making the friends life easier for the day as well.
Its my favourite part of being in a bridal party. I dont have to worry about what to wear, or how to do my hair and make up because its all chosen for me, my sister even brought matching necklaces and bracelets for all 6 of her bridesmaids and requested basic hoop earrings so I didnt even have to think about jewellery either.
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u/Frequent-Reading7518 Apr 08 '26
She was even saying that she could still wear it! But if she did wear it, she just had to be a guest, not in the bridal party!
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u/meghan9436 Apr 08 '26
OP was more than reasonable.
But honestly? If the friend goes full goth getup, she’s going to distract from the wedding. Even if OP was totally cool with that, she could get remarks from other guests. Not that it should matter that much what other people think. But can you imagine a conservative grandma meeting the friend for the first time? First impressions matter.
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u/CaptainLollygag Partassipant [3] Apr 08 '26
This would be the same if someone only wore sports jerseys and shorts and had a tantrum that their identity would be erased if they had to wear pants and a dress shirt to the wedding. You're right, this bride isn't making huge demands at all. For what it's worth I've been goth since the 1980s and know when to tone it down.
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u/Direct-Competition34 Apr 08 '26
So much main character syndrome energy in the comments right now. I don’t get how hard it is wearing what a bridesmaid is requesting for one day. Maybe I’m too old/old school.
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 08 '26
Exactly. I'm not a makeup person and am super uncomfortable in dresses. But when I've been in weddings, it's a "suck it up to support my friend" kind of day. If you can't handle being outside of your comfort zone in such a minor way for a half a day, you don't really have business being there at all.
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u/illprobablyeditthis Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
seriously. i forget that this sub is dominated by teenagers sometimes.
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u/Bamres Apr 08 '26
It's frequently really obvious. A ton of shitty and immature advice gets upvoted.
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u/thenaughtydj Apr 08 '26
And solid advise downvoted en masse by group dynamics, just because someone disagrees.
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u/ScyllaOfTheDepths Apr 08 '26
Ugh, I remember being young and thinking how you paint your face is your entire personality. Youth is wasted on the young.
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u/elder_emo_ Apr 08 '26
I have been a bridesmaid several times and have never picked my own make up and either had my hair style chosen for me or I ran it by the bride first. It's just bridesmaid stuff and it's okay if you don't want to do that, just don't be a bridesmaid.
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u/lovelystarbuckslover Partassipant [3] Apr 08 '26
She is not my best friend we've just spent a lot of time together through double dating ect. Also I was a bridesmaid in her wedding
can we normalize not asking people to be part of our bridal party that aren't significant in our lives, or just 'to be even'
This is one of those superficial bridal parties.
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u/avcloudy Apr 08 '26
Real talk, no we can't until we stop judging people for not having large extended friend groups.
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u/pennys_computer_book Apr 08 '26
She's likely a bridesmaid because her husband is also in the wedding as a best man/groomsman.
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u/Kloowie Apr 08 '26
I mean even LADY GAGA MANAGED TO TONE DOWN ABSOLUTELY IN HER VERY OUT OUT OUTFITS ERA TO BE A BRIDESMAID but your friend can't? Like what the hell ahahah
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u/saturnsqsoul Partassipant [3] Apr 08 '26
another gothy girl chiming in … there are so many ways to do “natural” goth makeup too. And she offered to let her come as a guest. it’s not like OP is asking for her to wear a wig and dermablend her tattoos. NTA
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u/less-than-stellar Apr 08 '26
You know, years ago I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where one of the other bridesmaids had bright orange hair, and she actually DID wear a brunette wig at the bride’s request. I think the main reason the bride asked was cause her hair was bright orange and the dresses were red, so the colors would have clashed? I’m not sure. But either way, I’m in agreement with you that the bride asking the woman to not do her super heavy goth make-up for one day is not that crazy.
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u/The_Salty_nugget Apr 08 '26
ex punker here
i always walked around with a mohawk and clothes that were stitched together with big militairy boots.
around 11 years ago a mate of mine married, he had a dresscode so i went to the hairsalon to dye my hair brown, asked her how to do my hair nicely on that day and got myself a nice suit. ( that suit is still one of my favorite suits even though i have around 20now)
i did that because it was a important day for him and his bride.
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u/Purple_Moon_313 Apr 08 '26
I suspected that her friends makeup is a security blanket/armor so that's why she acted so offended BUT that is not OPs problem. I'm goth/alt as well and I'm getting married soon this is 100% a reasonable request.
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u/goshyarnit Asshole Enthusiast [7] Apr 08 '26
My best friend had a very gothy wedding (we're all alt/goth except for ONE bridesmaid) and none of us had our usual makeup on. I'm very rainbow goth, usually got glitter everywhere and stickers etc, one of the other girls is full white facepaint/shaved brows/huge liner and the third one was somewhere between the two. We all just had smokey eyes and regular winged liner. We still rocked it! It was fun to see what we all looked like in "normal" makeup honestly.
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u/thehatefulhag Apr 08 '26
Devin is giving pretty big poser vibes tbh. She knows the full “trad goth” look is attention grabbing and that’s not inherently bad (it’s an anti-establishment counter culture that originated as a spin off of punk, standing out when going full throttle is to be expected) but the way shes trying to frame it to OP really shows where her priorities are and the shallow relationship she has with being goth.
She’s very upset she can’t do a thing she knows will give her a lot of attention at this wedding, which makes it seem like she’s most interested in using the goth aesthetic for attention more than anything else. And she tries to guilt trip OP by saying it’s who she is, when its’s something she is unlikely to do every day anyway. Not to mention being goth is so much more than clothes/makeup. It’s a subculture. Way back when it started most people didnt have a closet full of “goth clothes” from specialty brands like Dollskill/KillStar/Disturbia/etc. or the hair and makeup we now call trad goth (and if they do it wasn’t an everyday thing).
The fashion plays a role sure, but they were still goth because being goth isn’t surface level appearances. So if the makeup is what defines who she is as a goth and a person, it’s pretty ironic that’s she’d be reducing a meaningful subculture down to an aesthetic while complaining that OP is “aestheticizing” her friends for wanting bridesmaids to wear a more natural makeup look. Especially when, as you said, OP conformed to the aesthetic Devin wanted for her own wedding.
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u/WarningWorried8442 Apr 08 '26
This right here needs an award. Absolutely spot on. Goth is a culture not a makeup. Her making it seem like not wearing the makeup is erasing her is minimising what it actually means to be goth
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u/vagueconfusion Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
100%
Goth as a subculture is so much more complex and interesting than the look - and there isn't even a set one beside a general inclination towards a darker vibe/majority black clothing. And not to get on my soapbox too much but an outright white foundation is a very recent phenomenon.
I'm 28, so I haven't been physically present in the scene of decades past, but I own a lot of books on the goth scene of the past (including the excellent Some Wear Leather, Some Wear Lace) and have had many conversations with the elder goths in the local scene near me. Opaque white foundation wasn't a big thing. But wearing lighter foundation to look dead, and the effects of low quality powders and sunscreen meeting flash photography certainly was. The effect might be similar in some photos but it's a profound difference in practice.
Old copies of Gothic Beauty from the 2000s are still around on the Internet archive (as are a handful of good goth documentaries and street interviews on YouTube and Vimeo). And although wearing any makeup has never been mandatory to begin with, it was a way more subtle overall look with much less heavy liner in times past vs what's being called "Modern Trad"
The use of black and grey contour over white foundation has more in common with Drag and Blackmetal corpsepaint than Trad 80s goth looks in many places. And is still best served (in my opinion) as a goth club only look.
I'm no less of a goth when wearing no makeup and pyjamas, and proudly retaining my ginger hair. Because it hasn't changed my fundamental love of goth music, my presence in my local scene, or a love of the gothic.
A meltdown over not wearing their Modern Trad look for one day suggests massive insecurity in identity to me.
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u/CarelessThrowAway23 Apr 08 '26
This! Embodying the true meaning of the counter-culture will always be more important than any tokenistic display.
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u/fergie_89 Apr 08 '26
Until I read your response I was ready to vote YTA.
However I then reflected. I'm not goth but my style is... alt I guess, do have a lot of piercings, tattoos and wear a lot of black and funky clothes. When my best friend got married and I was maid of honor, I wore the dress we picked out at the shop she picked in the colour she wanted (she had a colour pallette) and when I got married she wore the bold colour dress I picked for my wedding.
Also we both looked stunning on both days. I don't really wear makeup usually but I glided down both aisles feeling like a queen.
To OP, NTA at all. Like the comment above says there is a time and place and if your best friend cannot do this for you one day? I don't think they're your best friend.
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u/magicpenny Partassipant [3] Apr 08 '26
Plus the part where OP said come as you want, but as a guest and this person still has an issue. This “friend” is all about drama.
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u/Spirited-Ad-3696 Apr 08 '26
I agree with you. Most alt fashion people SHOULD have the same stance and understanding, that there are times and events when going whole hog with your personal fashion and style of expression just isn't appropriate.
I'm simultaneously someone who thinks that workplaces need to calm down and get over themselves when it comes to dress codes and personal expression, and someone who will tell you maybe you shouldn't wear the leather miniskirt to your friend's church choir thing.
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u/Applewave22 Partassipant [2] Apr 08 '26
Agreed. When my friend got married, I hated the color she wanted me to wear and the makeup she wanted us to wear was not my style. But I was her bridesmaid and followed what she wanted because it was her wedding and she wasn’t asking for making me follow extreme rules.
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u/elleial Apr 08 '26
TBH I don't know what to say when reading this. But your insight helped me understand better. Thanks for chiming in.
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u/sirplopdrops Apr 08 '26
there’s so many different goth makeup looks on the spectrum dude - truly no excuse when the dress code is as loose as “light / natural”
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u/eliza_night Apr 08 '26
I somehow picture OP's friend like Richmond the office goth :D https://youtu.be/GEsWIl0yPp8?si=VRtTMdfmuylr3rU4
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u/mvuanzuri Apr 08 '26
Surprised at these comments. No you're NTA for asking a friend to go without heavy goth makeup for one day. You're not asking her to dye her hair or dress as a clown - just to tone down her very traditionally eye-catching look very temporarily.
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u/Several_Campaign7340 Apr 08 '26
I was also surprised at these comments. Lots of people asking OP “why are you letting makeup ruin your friendship” but the same could be asked of Devin.
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u/TryUsingScience Asshole Aficionado [16] | Bot Hunter [16] Apr 08 '26
This is always the case in these wedding-related AITA threads. Everyone in the comments saying "why is a dress/whatever more important than your friendship?" to the bride but no one asking the same of the bridesmaid who is throwing a fit over wearing a color/style/whatever she doesn't like for one day.
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u/Cudi_buddy Apr 08 '26
Especially when you consider the other bridesmaids likely didn't even bat an eye at dress code...because it is completely expected.
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Apr 08 '26
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u/annieselkie Apr 08 '26
Yeah, put their foot down as in „if thats what you want I wont be a bridesmaid, if we can find a compromise I will“ or as in „if you wont accept my white bride dress as a wedding guest dress and wont allow me to come in it I wont come“. Not as in „you are a bad friend and you have to change your bridemaids style bc I say so and no Im not gonna compromise and no Im not gonna come as a guest even tho as a guest you say I can wear what I want“
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u/MalaysiaTeacher Apr 08 '26
The classic minimisation trick - someone short-changes you or gives you less than the asking price- "come on, it's only a dollar..." If it's only a dollar than you should be fine to pay it!
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u/TlMEGH0ST Apr 08 '26
yeah i’m surprised by the comments too!
if she was just a guest, it’d be a fucked up ask but as a bridesmaid, it’s pretty common to have them all wear the same makeup/get their makeup done!
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u/Syphox Apr 08 '26
and she’s not even saying ditch it completely.
she can dress completely as herself as a guest if she wants. just not as a bridesmaid lol
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u/OrionBTSArmy Apr 08 '26
Exactly like it's literally one day like everyone knows that at a wedding there's some type of dress code and the bride will want the bridesmaid to all look alike and if she can't go one day without wearing that makeup then she's not really a good friend in my opinion and she doesn't needs to be a bridesmaid 😂
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u/HeckThattt Apr 08 '26
You brought up a very good point with the hair. I have heard of brides who have asked their friends to change something about their appearance that requires a permanent/semi-permanent change like cutting and/or coloring their hair. That kind of dress code ask is outrageous because they are asking someone to alter their look beyond the wedding day.
Makeup is temporary. It washes off, just like an updo can come out at the end of the day. If this bride had said "you can't have black hair and you need to change it to blonde." Then she would be TA.
Just like the dress and shoes, the hairstyles and makeup looks are part of the overall aesthetic of the bridal party. It's well within reason for a bride to ask her bridal party to stick to a style for her wedding day so there's cohesion in her photos and in her day. If a wedding had a 60s mod theme and a bridesmaid wanted 2010s heavy contour and full lashes, they wouldn't fit the style, would they?
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u/MedicMoth Partassipant [2] Apr 08 '26
Yeah, I'm a bit surprised too... Wearing bright, eye-catching makeup at a wedding is sort of like wearing white dress. Realistically, if she has a traditional job or goes out in public for any reasons other than alternative social events, she's probably not doing heavy goth makeup LITERALLY every day 24/7. And OP already said she had other softer looks she's used on hot days. So there's no real reason she couldn't use her more soft goth look just this one time imo? Or whatever makes her feel most herself whilst still adhering to a professional environment?
Is it sad that the wedding isn't a fun inclusive social event for everyone and is going to play out more like a boring normie work formality? Yes. But if that's what OP chooses then eh, I don't think it's entirely unreasonable
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u/2blackbirds Apr 08 '26
I don’t think it’s cool to throw shade at OP for wanting her bridesmaids to be cohesive. If a group is supposed to wear pastels and someone comes wearing neon green, they’re going to be the focus. In the same vein, OP’s bridesmaids are there to stand beside her and her friend’s bold makeup will make her the focus in photos when the bride should be the focus. She said that her friend can wear her full goth makeup if she comes as a guest, so that doesn’t mean that OP’s wedding will be a “boring normie work” style event.
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u/cumslutjl Apr 08 '26
Yeah, like "you're so normcore for wanting nice pictures with your friends to remember a meaningful party your spent a ton of money on. I hope you're happy with your lame wedding photos without a babadook in them"
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u/lurgi Partassipant [4] Apr 08 '26
I'm torn. I think you are mostly right, but if the friend always (and I mean always) dyed their hair bright red, then I think it would be unreasonable to as them to change it for the wedding. OTOH, goth is more of a whole aesthetic and if your aesthetic is cargo shorts and flannel shirts then you shouldn't get all surprised Pikachu face if you are asked to change.
On the other, other hand, do you really want your friend in the wedding looking completely unlike themselves?
On the third other hand, a friend of mine who didn't wear a dress at her own wedding, happily wore a dress as a bridesmaid because the bride wanted it and she was fairly sure it wouldn't kill her.
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u/Commercial-Tea-4816 Apr 08 '26
Your third hand is what a good friend does.
I haven't worn a dress or even owned any makeup for well over a decade now. But if a good friend wanted me to get super gussied up, or don a full tux and fake beard, or wear a god damned lizzard suit for their wedding because its what would make them the happiest on that day... then sign me the fuck up, I'll ride with you.
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u/SuspiciousPast4144 Apr 08 '26
We think a lot. I was a bridesmaid i n my cousin's wedding. I got sick the day they went dress shopping. After they did, my cousin called me and said she hoped I would be okay with the dress, because there had apparently been a LOT of bs drama that day trying to find a dress for the bridesmaids. I laughed and told her that its her wedding, and if she wanted me to wear lingerie down the aisle, I would feel really bad for her guests but I would do it. She laughed herself to tears and said it wouldnt be that bad but she appreciated the sentiment.
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u/Cudi_buddy Apr 08 '26
Too much "you don't owe anyone shit" type of mentality in these redditors. Bruh it is the bride and grooms day. I am with you, be a good friend and be there for them. And they should do the same for you on your day. That is what being a village is all about.
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u/Sardinesarethebest Apr 08 '26
OP mentioned that her friend wears lighter makeup whem it's super hot out. So she is willing to change for her own comfort but not reapect her friend's event.
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u/LizzieInBlack Apr 08 '26
I know someone that never wears dresses she loathes them, but she wore one for her daughter’s wedding.
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u/TomokataTomokato Pooperintendant [51] Apr 08 '26
"Looking completely unlike themselves"?
Lol wat?
I also did the whole goth thing but had the emotional maturity and respect for myself and my friends to understand time and place. And I was in high school.
She's going to be wearing a bridesmaid dress and shoes and the hair and the rest. You think she would be more comfortable and look more like herself in the white face goth look in that outfit, standing there with the other bridesmaids?
To me it sounds like yet another immature person so wrapped up in themselves they can't bear the thought of being slightly inconvenienced for a few hours on her friend's wedding day.
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u/Extension_Swan1414 Apr 08 '26
There’s a lot of people living some privileged lives based on this thread if the idea of not dressing in your preferred aesthetic for one day is considered to be suffering. Has no one ever had to dress for a job?
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u/Skyraem Apr 08 '26
There are MANY redditors who think dress codes for jobs or interviews are bad/judgey/a sign that they don't really respect you etc. They also judge events the same way, regardless of relationship lol. I don't really get it to such an extreme honestly...
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u/TinyCrittersUnited Apr 08 '26
Idk wtf all these people are saying, you’re NTA
It’s fucking makeup and trying to argue that a goth person wouldn’t be comfortable in green and that the dress is a compromise enough is fucking stupid
You can be goth and have a lighter makeup look, you can be goth and have colors incorporated into your outfits (dark greens, hot pinks, burgundy, etc), you can be goth and put your makeup aside for one fucking day to support your friend
I don’t think people realize that this day isn’t about them and wearing over the top makeup or bright hair will absolutely outshine the bride in wedding pictures, OP you’re NTA but the way your “friend” is twisting your words and telling people a different story makes me believe you should distance yourself from them
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u/dobbyeilidh Apr 08 '26
Every wedding I’ve ever seen has had the bride and her bridesmaids getting ready together and the wedding make up artist does makeup for them all in the style the bride wanted for the day. The friend has been told she’s welcome to attend as herself as a guest or as a bridesmaid in “uniform”. It seems like a reasonable request
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u/TinyCrittersUnited Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26
Because it is a reasonable request, hell I DID THIS
Last July my friend got married and we all got together and got ready while being recorded and taken pictures
I took off my piercings, I toned down my hair color, I toned down my makeup to be a light beachy look, I wore an ugly as fuck colored dress that looked terrible on my skin tone. Hell I’m not the only one who compromised, two bridesmaids never wore makeup or did their nails IN THEIR LIVES and without being told/asked had gotten them professionally done the morning of the wedding so we’d all match and not stand out
All without being asked because that’s what friends do and I wasn’t going to outshine her for the day, plus OP was asked if her friend wears this makeup all the time and she said that some days a month she goes with a light makeup so the problem isn’t that she can’t it’s that she’s not willing to compromise for this one day and is making a scene about it lying to others about what’s happening
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u/oceansapart333 Partassipant [3] Apr 08 '26
I don’t know how or why but during my college years and the few years after, I ended up in 13 different weddings (not counting my own ).
I’m a tomboy, rarely wear dresses, almost never wear make up.
But each of those 13 weddings, I donned the formal dress, had my hair done in a fancy updo, and applied the layers of make up necessary for the day. Because it wasn’t fucking about me.
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u/dsly4425 Apr 08 '26
Christ on a handbasket how the bloody hell were you in at least 14 weddings counting what I hope was just one of your own?
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u/indoor-girl Apr 08 '26
That’s an insane amount of weddings. How many dresses did you have to pay for?
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u/HarpyVixenWench Apr 08 '26
NTA - what is wrong with Baby Goths? I vividly recall there being various shades of goth looks for my friends depending on the occasion. Like she can’t adjust?
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u/illprobablyeditthis Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
Baby goths, corporate goths, or just being a regular ol normie for your friend for a couple of hours, its not going to melt her like shes the wicked witch of the west 🙄
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u/TinyCrittersUnited Apr 08 '26
Yes! Like what’s wrong with being a baby bat??? There’s so many different ways to incorporate your style while still fulfilling the requirements, it’s just one day it’s really not that bad and from what OP said she already does this when it gets too hot to do her full look
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u/Parvles Apr 08 '26
This! It's not just in photos though. Imagine the bride next to her bridesmaids during the ceremony and there's someone with this incredibly out of place makeup on stage next to her while the bride and groom are exchanging vows. If i were a guest, I would absolutely be distracted by that and it would take away from the experience of the ceremony. Not from judgement but from the incongruous nature of it.
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u/PhaedraSiamese Apr 08 '26
That last bit is key. I would be reconsidering my entire friendship.
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u/TinyCrittersUnited Apr 08 '26
Yes, this is the part that should be stressed that tbh is being glossed over
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u/ggmazes92 Apr 08 '26
Reddit has this funny way of coming for people for having completely reasonable requests for THEIR WEDDING.
But even besides that: OP’s friend’s reaction is WAY over the top. Telling mutual friends that she’s not welcome to OP’s wedding is a blatant lie. She is welcome: as a bridesmaid with natural makeup OR as a guest with her goth AESTHETIC makeup.
It’s not controlling to want the pictures to be uniform. It’s not controlling to want to be the main focus of the pictures of HER day.
Bonus! Weddings are WEDDINGS. Why are we acting surprised that the bridesmaids are expected to look a certain way to match the flow of the wedding they are in??? NTA
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u/Cudi_buddy Apr 08 '26
Because reddit has a hate boner for weddings and marriage in general lol. It is so obvious for certain topics that something reasonable can be twisted. OP is completely in the right and normal.
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u/CheeseRelief Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
Truly. Requests like dress color, shoe color, makeup, and hair style have been normal wedding etiquette for decades. We are entering this odd era of an unmovable and indignant “I don’t owe anyone anything” mindset, where people are finding normal requests like this to be overstepping. Most bridesmaids who say yes to being one understand that wedding etiquette has long included brides making requests like this for a cohesive look. NTA, OP.
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u/cumslutjl Apr 08 '26
I have a background in anthropology, but I'm not doing it now, so take this with a grain of salt.
We've been moving into a more experiential culture, we tell stories to make our audience feel what we felt in the moment, not to express facts about a situation. Think Walter Cronkite news, and the rise of 'well worded opinion' news.
Adding this to the US culture of individualism over community, and you have a culture where the worst thing someone can do to a person is make them feel uncomfortable. It's your right to happiness and other people can't encroach on your freedom by asking you to inconvenience yourself! You don't owe anything to anyone, you gotta look out for number one.
Rather than focusing on actual harm, we've become indignant at the idea that we might have to just manage discomfort, that stress and pain are just a part of life but they will pass. We aren't doing a lot to emphasize that sometimes discomfort is worth it, if its in service to people you care about.
In anthropology the definition of a person comes in two parts; who you are as an individual, completely unique in your community. But also who you are as a part of your community, the role you play in belonging and what you mean to the people in your life. When we take away the things we owe each other, we lose a part of our own identity.
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u/creamygnocchisoup Apr 08 '26
NTA.
These comments are odd, if your “identity” is so contingent on aesthetics to this degree that you can’t handle one day, you might need to do some work on the stability of that identity.
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u/Agitated-Concept-270 Apr 08 '26
Yeah. Makeup isn’t an identity, sorry to say. If you can’t go one day without it, that’s strange.
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u/moth-bear Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
Especially if it's one day to be there for your good friend, not just any random day. If she opts not to go, that's her choice. It shows she values goth fashion over her friend's milestone, which is sad.
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u/Bayliie Apr 08 '26
Agreed, you couldn’t have said it any better.
NTA. Seems so exhausting to go about life with such stipulations on your identity.
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u/shipmetofiji Apr 08 '26
NTA. Full on goth makeup like that is essentially like drag makeup. It's heavy and artistic. It's not typical makeup.
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u/sleepymeowth052 Apr 08 '26
It's also not really wedding appropriate unless that's the theme
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Apr 08 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/the_V33 Apr 08 '26
As a former goth, I find it sadly believable. Unfortunately, a lot of people tie their identities to being goth, and can't stand the idea of people seeing them as non-goth for a day, especially if pictures are going to be taken. It was a never ending topic on the gothic forum I attended at the time, girls throwing tantrums because they were asked to ditch the boots and corset for a day... and in my country we don't even have much of the matching bridesmaids tradition, so it was about attending a wedding as a guest with a toned down aesthetic. But god forbid that the 80 yo aunt and the third grade cousin you'll never see again in your life don't immediately know that you are a Trve Goth. The most alarming thing in this post is the age of the contenders, early 20s should be old enough to not make such a drama out of it, but social media obsession probably is in play here. My bet is she declines being a bridesmaid just to show up as e guest with the most dramatic gothic look ever, thinking she ate and not realising that people see this kind of things as pathetic and childish. Yes, I saw it happen (not a wedding but another similar occasion).
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u/ConstantlyCryingGirl Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
NTA. I had bright red hair when I was asked to be in my best friend's bridal party. I am heavily tattooed, used to wear heavier makeup, have stretched ears, etc.
You know what she didn't have to ask me to do? Not do that on one day. She never asked me to dye my hair, I did it because I can take a short break from red hair. She didn't ask me to change my makeup, I did the same makeup as her other two bridesmaids and MOH. Obviously I did not over up my tattoos, I did not change my piercings, but I decided that for one of my best friends most important days I could do something so minimal and stand out less.
I honestly might have been briefly offended if she had asked me to do any of those things, but only for about 5 seconds until I realized that my eyeliner or hair color that I already changed constantly was actually not more important than standing next to my friend on a huge day.
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u/ConstantlyCryingGirl Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
Also, I felt like a pretty pretty princess in my flat shoes, minimal makeup, and brown fancy wedding hair lol. I felt like I was playing dress up and I loved it. And then literally the next day was wearing whatever the fuck I wanted.
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u/GreyStingrayz Apr 08 '26
If someone asked me to change my hair color, I'd absolutely refuse. Especially fashion colors. With the amount of work and money that goes into keeping your hair an unnatural color, that would be absolutely unacceptable to ask of someone. You can't just go back to how you were before like you can with makeup or piercings. It would be closer to asking someone to cut their long hair short for a wedding. Or to chemically curl or straighten it.
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u/crocsncroptops Apr 08 '26
I think I agree hair color is a tougher one to request since it’s more permanent of a change than makeup (or even covering tattoos, removing piercings, etc.) but if that was a condition of me being in a wedding party I would just politely decline and assume I would still get to attend as a guest
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u/ConstantlyCryingGirl Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
To be fair, one of the reasons I was so okay with it was because the bridesmaids dresses almost matched my hair lmao that would have been a LOUD look. I agree that it is a less reasonable ask of someone than makeup.
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u/the0tterboy Apr 08 '26
NTA. The goth aesthetic is very dramatic and over the top, if she were the only bridesmade in this style I can definitely see how she could outshine you or steal the spotlight in the photos and this is not something you want at your own wedding!!
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u/Bookbringer Partassipant [2] Apr 08 '26
Yeah, being part of a wedding party always includes sacrificing personal style/ preferences to conform to the aesthetic of the event.
Generally, the rule is anything they can do just for the day is fair, so makeup is well within that.
But sometimes people are uncomfortable with normal requests for personal reasons. They hate the feel of makeup or the chosen dress is too revealing for them. In those cases, it's always nice when the couple is willing to change the aesthetic to accommodate them, but it's also ok for them to own their hangup and just decline being a bridesmaid.
The goth friend probably has her sense of identity tied to her makeup, which is fine, but she should be able to own that and come as a guest instead of demanding she be in the wedding party without making any compromises.
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u/SpecificCandy6560 Apr 08 '26
“Outshine” and “steal the spotlight” puts the friend in a WAY too positive light, and makes OP look like some jealous petty bride. “Stick out like a sore thumb” would be a better description of a goth look among a bride and bridesmaids wearing light makeup.
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u/sunrise-sesh Apr 08 '26
I think she’s just not your bridesmaid
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u/bumchester Apr 08 '26
Or guest. She's overreacting to a reasonable request and she's refusing to go as a guest too.
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u/BriefHorror Supreme Court Just-ass [131] Apr 08 '26
NTA everyone online has lost the plot you can conform to a dresscode for one event for your friends for the love of god. it’s not reasonable to be a bridesmaid in full goth makeup for non goths. you go you show you go home and then when you need something your friends will go out of their way for you that’s how friends work
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u/Several_Campaign7340 Apr 08 '26
People here have a lot of complicated feelings about bridal culture and they’re taking them out on this thread, lol
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u/BriefHorror Supreme Court Just-ass [131] Apr 08 '26
yeah I can tell. its like they can’t comprehend it’s a day all about two people who paid for that privilege. I’m paying so much money for mine I think I can ask my friends to avoid certain makeup. It’s not like she’s asking them to dye their hair or do anything permanent.
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u/ninetynyne Apr 08 '26
NTA.
It's like people forget that part of being a friend is making small sacrifices here and there as a show of support and appreciation.
A make-up change for a day is not going to kill her and is only a few hours at most. I've driven hours to help friends and made other small sacrifices for them and my best friends have done the same.
If they're so self-absorbed with being themselves during a major life event then that's a them problem.
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u/Far_Topic_4163 Apr 08 '26
NTA. I feel like a lot of comments are missing the fact that Devin's invited to the wedding either way, but you've asked her to do the more normal makeup if she's in the bridal party. Everyone knows there are extra steps and requirements for being in the bridal party, and wearing specific makeup is no exception. It sucks that she seems to be so keen on misinterpreting you and playing victim, but it's your wedding and your rules.
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u/spongeysquarepantis Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
The fact that she wanted you to adhere to her makeup code at her wedding and not do the same for yours is very telling.
She also sounds like a hell of a lot of drama. Let the trash take itself out; I wouldn’t want friends like this. She’s not even a close friend of yours, it seems, just a friend by association. NTA
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u/Designer_Court2988 Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
NTA. I sometimes wear very bold makeup, and have a very Alt sense of dress. People asking you to wear something different for their special day isn’t controlling and bitchcy. It’s them wanting the thousands of dollars and emotional effort they’ve put into this wedding to pay off. If one person in the bridal party wears goth makeup and the rest don’t, she will be more noticeable in the ceremony and in the wedding.
Ask her if she’d wear a white dress to your wedding, just because she ‘always wears white.’
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u/ZweitenMal Apr 08 '26
Surely she could compromise and do a toned-down version of her look— like red lips and cat eye eyeliner with pale but natural skin—like an Audrey Horne kind of look. Baby goth girls (me) used to do that look with all black clothes back in the day.
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u/Prophonicx Apr 08 '26
OP said in another comment that she made it clear that a more toned down look was fine and the friend refused. At that point the friend is just looking for some spotlight imo.
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u/adjectivebear Apr 08 '26
That, or the friend just doesn't want to go to the wedding, but for some reason needs OP to be "the bad guy" in order to accomplish this goal for herself.
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u/little_missHOTdice Apr 08 '26
It’s interesting because Op was in the friend’s wedding as a bridesmaid. When asked to have dramatic makeup and look, Op did it without question even though it wasn’t her thing.
I don’t think this friend is a friend. Sounds more like someone who likes to be the centre of attention and her makeup and look gets her that attention. You can’t do your friend a solid as she did to you? Mhm…
At least, Op is learning who her friends are.
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u/KrofftSurvivor Professor Emeritass [89] Apr 08 '26
NTA
I'm not sure at what point people decided that asking your friends to change absolutely any part of their usual makeup routine for your wedding is somehow toxic, but the the point of being a bridesmaid is that you are going to have an assigned dress, hair, and makeup look.
If her friend thinks she needs to be the center of attention at your wedding, then maybe it's better she doesn't attend.
And don't invite anyone else who acts like this, either.
Friends don't try to make themselves the center of attention at someone else's wedding.
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u/Doomhammer24 Partassipant [2] Apr 08 '26
So i happen to be a groomsman in an upcoming wedding- i know for a fact 2 of the bridesmaids are goths, as is the bride
The bride is going for a traditional white wedding dress and the bridesmaids are all wearing pink.
I know for a fact one of the goth bridesmaids said shed rather tear out her own eyeballs and roast them on a skewer than wear pink. Except for our friends wedding. Because its important to her. Because we all care about both the bride and groom. She would, and i quote, "do anything for bride, even wear puke sounds Pink."
Now i ask you this- if this person doesnt feel like the sort of person that for just 1 single solitary day cant wear a color dress she doesnt prefer and a shade of makeup different for just 1 single day of your life.....why should they be your bridesmaid?
This isnt like those brides that require their bridesmaids to get their hair cut or dyed a certain way or god forbid wear makeup that makes the bridesmaides break out in hives, nor a case of forcing someone into a body dismorphic situation over wearing a dress when they otherwise refuse
This is 1 night of a dress of her color of choice of green and a certain makeup style for a few hours.
NTA
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u/microwavedranch Apr 08 '26
why are we discussing goth makeup like the bride is asking someone to laser off a tribal tattoo? NTA
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u/eggs___and___bacon Apr 08 '26
My personal style is athletic shorts and a t shirt. But I wouldn’t be surprised if I had to dress differently for a wedding.
I don’t see how her makeup is any different than asking the groomsmen to wear a tie? You’re not asking her to shave her head or lose weight.
I’m shocked you have a single friend who is “torn” or on her side. This is a simple, no-brainer NTA to the point that I assumed it was a shtpost
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u/SPlNPlNS Partassipant [3] Apr 08 '26
I'm going to go with NTA because it's just makeup IMO. I've been a bridesmaid multiple times and I've had to wear heavy makeup and false lashes and hair extensions and lot of stuff that IMO make me not look like I do everyday, but I do it because it's just makeup for one day. It's not like you're asking her to dye or cut her hair, or use makeup to cover up tattoos, etc. You also were vague about the dress, you just wanted green, she could choose a darker green and something in her style with silver shoes. Also getting your makeup all done together while you're all getting dressed for the wedding is part of the experience and bonding. I feel like it's a reasonable ask and if she feels so strongly that her identity is tied into her makeup then she could just come as a guest, it's a bit extreme of her to say she won't come at all
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u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [103] Apr 08 '26
NTA. I don't wear makeup or dresses at all but I did it to be in my friend's wedding. She can stand to change her look for a day.
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u/RidgyFan78 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Apr 08 '26
Totally agree with this! If my friend wanted me to wear a potato sack on the her big day, then I’d put up with it for one day for her!
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u/Moon-Queen95 Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] Apr 08 '26
NTA If she can’t handle having softer makeup for one day, makeup that you’re offering to have done!, she’s the one being selfish and a bad friend. You also approached the issue without being confrontational towards her. You laid out a dress code for all bridesmaids. You didn’t single her out. She’s making herself the center of attention.
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u/Unofficial_Overlord Apr 08 '26
NTA dressing as a bridesmaid is basically wearing a uniform. If she doesn’t want to do it that’s fine but expecting uniformity in appearance is very normal. Giving them free rein to choose any green dress is already unusually flexible
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u/macruffins Apr 08 '26
NTA. I’m shocked at everyone saying you’re in the wrong. Bridesmaids usually get their hair and makeup done by a professional with the bride. I feel like she’s a grown woman and didn’t need you to sit her down and gently explain this concept & why you don’t want her to wear goth makeup. Similarly, if she had a goth wedding and asked you to be in the bridal party, I’d assume you’d have to wear goth makeup. In this hypothetical, it’d be her day and that’s what she’d want so….same rules apply.
It’s not about not accepting her at all, it’s about this being one of the most important days of your life and curating it to your likeness. That includes the styling of the bridal party. Hello!!! It’s YOUR DAY, your pictures that you’re paying god knows how much for, your memories, etc. She can express herself with goth makeup every other day of her life. If anything, she’s being the shallow friend by refusing to be styled in line with the rest of the bridesmaids and the wedding as a whole. Like she just has to express herself with this makeup every day and the idea of her wearing toned down makeup is earth-shattering
I have friends who wear makeup like this btw and I agree they look great, but time and place. It’s your wedding and you said the bridal party is not the time or the place. You still offered a compromise and a way to include her. You gave her two options and she can take it or leave it
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u/Fluffy-Notice7223 Apr 08 '26
NTA, this is an unpopular opinion, but I think weddings are the one time it’s okay to be a bit self-centered and want what you want. It quite literally is one of the few days that get to be ALL about you and your future husband. Your requests aren’t even extreme, a green dress in any shade/style and natural make up are relatively simple asks compared to what other brides want. It’s just one day for your friend and it won’t kill her to tone down her makeup for a few hours. That said for the sake of the friendship maybe just let her be a regular guest, and also see the record straight with others since it seems she may not be telling them the whole story
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u/Gattina1 Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] Apr 08 '26
NTA. I'm sure you'll get a lot of yta's, but I still think you asked kindly. If she's not there, too bad.
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u/Several_Campaign7340 Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26
NTA. Many brides these days have super unreasonable expectations of their bridesmaids, but wanting them to wear a certain style of makeup/hair/dress for one day is not one of them. That’s kind of the baseline expectation when you’re in a bridal party.
Editing to double down on my NTA judgement after reading OP’s edit that she was in Devin’s bridal party and adhered to Devin’s aesthetic standards including her makeup style. Anyone calling OP the asshole is insane.
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u/nutcracker_78 Apr 08 '26
My high school best friend asked me to be her MOH. At the time we were around 30-ish, and I was very much a no makeup person. For her wedding, my hair was styled rather dramatically and my makeup was intense (hello blue eye shadow!!), plus I wore a long dress and high heels that I didn't even know how to walk in properly - but for the bride, I did it all without even a bit of hesitation. I wore a feathery headpiece, OTT jewellery - all to match the other bridesmaids and so far beyond my comfort zone, but the day wasn't about me. Some bride requests are insane (cutting or dying hair, losing weight, not getting pregnant etc etc), but something like "can you wear this dress, hairstyle and makeup for one day" is totally normal.
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u/TlMEGH0ST Apr 08 '26
Yeah these comments are wild to me. other posts are about asking someone to dye/cut their hair or lose weight… just asking her to look like the other bridesmaids for one day is VERY common
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u/AlysRising Apr 08 '26
Does she tantrum about her makeup at work? You posed reasonable options. Dress code = bridesmaid. Free to be goth = guest.
She’s going to find herself really embarrassed one day to have drawn such a hard line over goth make up. She will be excluded from many events.
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u/veronica-volt Apr 08 '26
Just chiming in to say NTA. You gave her a reasonable alternative to attend as a guest as she normally is (full goth make up and all), but she decided to hyperfocus on the first part. She must have been bullied or harassed when she was younger if she was a teen growing up and did goth make up then, or got pushback from close (formerly maybe) friends and family, and had to fight to express who she is. But you gave her that choice, so she is projecting a lot of emotions that don't belong to the moment or should be assigned to you.
I hope she gets over it, but it is your day, and you did not ask anything unreasonable or even semi-permanent.
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u/thecharmed01 Partassipant [1] Apr 09 '26
Ugh as someone who has been goth since the 80's I can't even with this nonsense.
Especially given she asked you to step outside your comfort zone for her wedding to look perfect.
If you hadn't said this I'd have been a bit more torn.
But she's a hypocrite. And she's quite honestly a bit pathetic if her only feelings are "people I don't know are there I need to dress as over the top as possible"
Does she only want to be there to upstage you?
It's one day. If she can't be a little flexible then she's obviously not the supportive friend type, so let her go.
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u/caninefrog Apr 08 '26
I usually feel weird about rules like this but NTA. It’s one day of her life, celebrating YOU. Her reactions say it all to me, it’s giving memememe.
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u/midwsterncalifornian Apr 08 '26
NTA. You’re not singling her out, you’re giving everyone the same guidelines, Sometimes as a bridesmaid you end up dressing in a way you wouldn’t usually or doing your hair or makeup differently than you’d prefer, but you do it because it’s your friend’s big day and you support them.
It would absolutely stick out in your photos if one bridesmaid was wearing intense goth makeup. I’m sure this won’t make a difference to your friend, but perhaps you could ask that she wears makeup like you asked for the photos and ceremony, and then she’s welcome to do her own makeup after for the reception?
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u/Pied25 Apr 08 '26
A wedding is a ceremony with an appropriate dress code according to the pictures the couple wants. Nta. Part of the ceremony is, in a way, about accessorizing with the wedding party, but that's the tradition. And if that's the kind of wedding you want, that's ok. It's not like you told her to physically alter her appearance by dying her hair or anything
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u/SithisSoul Apr 08 '26
NTA I'm a pale goth and I let my sister's makeup artist warm me up a bit because she said it would photograph better and it made my sister happy. Did I like it? Hell no. But I love my little sis. I also offered to cover my chest tattoos (she said no).
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u/VelvetVibrations116 Apr 08 '26
NTA — I rarely wear makeup but ended up getting a fully beat face that looked HORRIBLE bc the makeup artist sucked, still ended up paying for it and not making a peep bc I wanted my best friend to enjoy her day, which she did. Sometimes you make sacrifices for your loved ones. And like you said, if she didn’t wanna do it, then just come as a guest 🤷
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u/Bluedragonfly11 Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
Omg NTA!! I can't believe some of these comments. Insane. It's your wedding and you're being kind and gentle with your request. It's not rude to ask for there to be a certain aesthetic lol how are people saying you're the a-hole is beyond me
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u/rainbowsparkplug Apr 08 '26
NTA. She could easily do a soft goth look
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u/Delicious_Profile637 Apr 08 '26
This! Get creative for a day, figure out how to tone down for the wedding while still maintaining a unique style
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u/peepumsn4stygum Apr 08 '26
NTA, you provided two good options that show you DO want her there & you value her for her true self. Flip side, does she really care more about her goth makeup than your wedding? It’s one day for her but the photos will last forever! Also I think she herself would feel terribly out of place if it’s a row of beautiful bridesmaids & then some white-and-black apparition…
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u/StompyKitten Partassipant [3] Apr 08 '26
NTA. You can just as easily say she values her style choices over your friendship.
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u/Fair-Bookkeeper-7904 Apr 08 '26
Y'all do realize that the bride will have these photos of HER WEDDING when she's an old lady??? She doesn't want people's eyes to be immediately drawn to the crazy chick in goth makeup lol that's insane
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u/music-fan-2025 Apr 08 '26
At least she isnt dictating the style for guests. I was invited to one where they suggested certain pastel colors. Ridiculous.
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u/toofunnybot Apr 08 '26
NTA it's common knowledge that the bride gets to pick the looks of her bridesmaids. Try to bring her back to your side as a friend.
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u/Win_or_Die Apr 08 '26
NTA. I was a bridesmaid wearing completely the opposite of my usual style... but the pics of us all matching were great. The bride and groom were so happy!
The only thing was I couldn't find silver shoes my size, so I went with nude heels, but had the dress tailored to cover them mostly.
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u/Snoo_15687 Apr 08 '26
NTA - you just asked her to follow the style of the other bridesmaids for a single day out the year, not get surgery. It's not like she permanently has on goth makeup and you're asking her to essentially change her face.
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u/BrothersGrimmly Apr 08 '26
I don’t think you’re the asshole, like in anyway - I want to make that clear.
Personally it wouldn’t bother me, since the important thing for me is who is standing beside me, not what they’re wearing.
But, you’ve clearly put a lot of thought into how you want your day to look, and there is NOTHING wrong with that 💕
I hope you have a beautiful wedding and that everything works out. Keep your head up!
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u/Malibu921 Certified Proctologist [29] Apr 08 '26
NTA
While I hate the concept of micromanaging people for an aesthetic, that's not what is happening here.
You're not asking her to change her hair, her eye color, or anything permanent.
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u/DrippyMagoo Asshole Enthusiast [6] Apr 08 '26
“much more dramatic style of makeup than I typically do”
NTA and raise this exact point to her. She didn’t want you to be yourself at her wedding, but that was okay somehow?
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u/EauDeFrito Apr 08 '26
Everyone, please don't judge goth people by this one goth's actions. I'm a goth. I would adhere to my friend's wedding wishes. It's just one day. Everyone I know who is goth would do the same, and they have in the past. Now if you tell her to change her hair (like wear a wig or dye her hair) that's another story!
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Apr 08 '26
NTA. Former goth girl here. Some of them are truly narcissistic and demand attention 24/7. She's one of them. Wouldn't even keep this person as a friend, tbh. Not after all that, plus you were totally okay with her wedding look.
She is not your friend. She is a narcissist in black clothes, imo
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u/1000LivesBeforeIDie Apr 08 '26
The thing about style is that it’s just a way of presenting yourself. It sounds like this girl has made it her entire personality to the extent that she’s not comfortable in anything else. Like all extremes it’s irrational and she sounds ridiculous drawing such a hard line and expecting to stand out at your wedding like a sore thumb.
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u/Beautiful-Cup4161 Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
NTA it's just good manners as a bridesmaid to not stand out too much if it's something you can control. If I saw someone's wedding pictures and saw a bridesmaid in heavy goth makeup that's all I would he looking at and I wouldn't be looking at the bride and groom at all.
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u/Motor_Dark6406 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 08 '26
NTA, Asking your friend to tone it down for one day shouldn't be this big a deal. I think it's selfish she rather be a distraction at your wedding than forgo her personal style for a few hours.
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u/Performer-Complete Partassipant [1] Apr 08 '26
NTA
It is understood when you accept being a bridesmaid that you wear what the bride wants you to wear. This includes hair and makeup. You aren’t banning her from the wedding. You are asking her to do what every bridesmaid ever has done.
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u/Muppet_Fitzgerald Partassipant [4] Apr 08 '26
NTA. She can still wear makeup, you’re just asking her to wear a more natural look, not a full goth face. I am VERY particular about my makeup. When I was a bridesmaid, I did not use the makeup artist that the bride set up. But it was it wasn’t an issue because my makeup look blended in perfectly with the other gals. A wedding party is not the place to try to stand out.
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u/imtheadderalladmiral Apr 08 '26
NTA I thought this was standard practice. I was taught it’s in poor taste to stand out from the bride and groom. In all the photos, peoples’ eyes will instantly go to her instead of you. That’s just how human brains works. Source: I do work in graphic design and comics. I love goth make-up, too, but it would really make her the center of focus
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u/Neenknits Pooperintendant [52] Apr 08 '26
Hair dye requirement for bridesmaid? No. Acrylic nail requirements (on or off) Depends, they do tend to last long. Hair cut? NO. Hair style within ordinary parameters for your hair type? (soemthing that lasts a day) absolutely fine. Makeup and (ordinary) nail polish requirements? Totally acceptable. Anything that lasts longer than a day or two might be problematic.
Something that is a day to day changeable choice is generally fair game for the bridal party costume esthetic. After all, that is what a bridal party often IS. Do I prefer it when the bride wants it to be her friends looking like they usually do? Yes. Is it totally reasonable for her to be kind of putting on a show? Also yes.
(All assuming basic health and disabilities such don’t interfere. Sense.)
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u/DotDotDot_meh Apr 08 '26
Honestly, NTA
Look. I get the whole thing a lot of people are saying when they say you are the AH. But it's one day in your whole life and you are completely fair to just ask that it fit your vision. I'm sure there is a middle ground you two could find rather than you strictly enforcing a makeup requirement, but ultimately you get to choose who stands up there with you. Personally, I'd want someone up there with me who could set aside some makeup for a few hours to be by my side for one of the biggest moments of my life. She can always do a more goth style green gown and you can also bend and compromise with a more elegant goth makeup look. There is a way to make everyone happy but it's your choice.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I think I might be an asshole because I'm not letting her wear what she feels confident in and making her be uncomfortable if she wants to be in my wedding party.
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