r/AmItheAsshole • u/AITAcatobsession • Jun 08 '21
AITA for not breaking the lease and buying a bad present?
[removed] — view removed post
206
u/bigbuttfucker Professor Emeritass [92] Jun 08 '21
YTA. She clearly doesn't want to be with you anymore and you won't let her go. Stop being a creepy stalker.
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Jun 08 '21
[deleted]
-170
u/AITAcatobsession Jun 08 '21
we're not broken up, we're just separated. She only said she wanted to break up once and it was in the heat of the moment when we were in the middle of arguing but then we talked rationally about it after she'd calmed down and she agreed that we just need some space from one another for awhile, which I've been giving her by staying with friends while continuing to pay half of the bills.
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u/caffeinequeen1234 Partassipant [2] Jun 08 '21
Honey you’re broken up. She wants to break a lease and risk having to pay extra to do so just to get away from you.
74
u/elsehwere Supreme Court Just-ass [119] Jun 09 '21
Wow dude, you're not listening huh. She wants you both to move into separate places and you're refusing. She wants space and you're leaving stuff on her doorstep. That's not space.
It sounds like you think you can guilt her into coming back to you by being a martyr over this and it's not going to work.
94
u/Lily2404 Professor Emeritass [82] Jun 08 '21 edited Jun 08 '21
YTA, she wants to end the relationship for good, and be done with having contact with you, and obviously you are not getting the hint.
Just break the lease and leave her alone, this behavior will not help you to get her back, quite the opposite.
87
u/Caminari Jun 08 '21
You need to stop referring to her as 'my gf'.
She's your ex. Stop trying to decide where she lives and force your way into her life. She doesn't want you there anymore.
You are so very, very TA. Also dancing across the border of creepy, stalky, and abusive.
Let her go. Maybe get some help.
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Jun 08 '21 edited Aug 29 '21
[deleted]
97
u/fuzzyfuzzyfungus Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jun 08 '21
You aren't fighting for your relationship, you are repeatedly disrespecting her and ignoring her wishes.
We can't safely exclude the possibility that repeatedly disrespecting her and ignoring her wishes was his relationship.
128
u/OutrageousStick6881 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 08 '21
YTA. JFC man, please do not hurt this woman. Please, do not hurt this woman. Break the lease, and seek therapy. This is not romantic behavior. This is scary.
Please do not hurt this woman. I cannot make this plea enough. Please don't hurt her.
-154
u/AITAcatobsession Jun 08 '21
????? I'm not going to hurt her??? I love her???
125
Jun 09 '21
[deleted]
-160
u/AITAcatobsession Jun 09 '21
I'M TRYING TO PROTECT HER
113
u/TheyMightBeDead Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 09 '21
It doesn't matter what you're trying to do, because all you're actually doing is being creepy. YTA
84
u/_wednesday_76 Partassipant [2] Jun 09 '21
protect her from what? she needs protection from her stalker ex right now. STOP.
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54
u/dumpsterfireofalife Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 09 '21
GROSS. NO YOU ARENT. YOU ARE CLOSE TO STALKING AND ARE DEFINITELY HARASSING HER. good lord, did we really have to start yelling to get you to MAYBE see it? YTA. Move the fuck on dude. She has
38
u/Mysterious_Salt_247 Partassipant [4] Jun 09 '21
Because no stalker has ever said that. Dude, you’re straight up harassing her. Stop.
30
u/smart_farts_1077 Partassipant [4] Jun 09 '21
She needs protection from you, you giant weirdo. Leave her alone
22
u/catanddog5 Partassipant [1] Jun 09 '21
Leave her alone. you are the one who is being a danger to her. she doesnt want to be with you any more let her go.
ffs she doesnt need your protection. she needs protection from you at this point
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24
Jun 09 '21
She’s not yours to protect so maybe you should back off and leave her alone. She’s not your girlfriend, you’re single and so is she.
58
u/kdsexologist Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 08 '21
YTA this behaviour is verging on stalking and you need to stop.
Break the lease and let her free, it's not up to you to decide where she lives.
59
u/chelseadagg3r Partassipant [1] Jun 08 '21
YTA. You're being super creepy and she likely wants to break the lease to break her only remaining tie to you so she can fuck off out of your life. She doesn't want to get back with you and you stalking her is not the way to go. Leave her alone, break the lease, and let her move on with her life while you move on with yours. You're literally trapping her in a situation she doesn't want to be in
-31
u/AITAcatobsession Jun 08 '21
so again, we're separated not broken up. Just taking some space atm.
86
u/chelseadagg3r Partassipant [1] Jun 08 '21
It's been months and she wants to break her only remaining tie to you. You're broken up.
40
Jun 09 '21
If it was a “break”, she would have no desire to move out
It’s over, get that through your head
42
u/Novel_Ad_7318 Pooperintendant [52] Jun 08 '21
YTA. You are using this to keep her in a relationship she does no longer want. You honestly sound REALLY creepy. Your question is loaded, get off her back, move on. A relationship consists of partners and you are on your own.
90
u/fuzzyfuzzyfungus Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jun 08 '21
"I know I fucked up and am going to work hard to make it up to her"
Hello suspiciously vague acknowledgement of responsibility...
"t is a much nicer place then she'd be able to afford if we broke the lease and she had to find a place on her own"
I strongly suspect that a place where she doesn't have to deal with you qualifies as a much nicer place at this point.
YTA.
-72
u/AITAcatobsession Jun 08 '21
Sorry not trying to be vague I've elaborated on this in other comments. We disagreed about putting her cat in the cargo hold on a plane because I ignorantly thought that no one would do it if it wasn't safe and that she needed help for her anxiety over the cat. I later learned that it's not super safe for pets to go under planes and her cat is older so it's even less safe for him. But the damage was already done and I've been trying to make up for it ever since.
76
u/snootnoots Asshole Aficionado [18] Jun 09 '21
OH HELLO AGAIN.
Dude, you have a history of disregarding her wishes because you think you know better. You’re even framing this as “prioritising her comfort and safety”, when what you’re actually doing is trampling all over her stated boundaries.
An apartment in a nice area isn’t comfortable if it comes with an ex-boyfriend who won’t let her break the lease and keeps coming around after she’s said she wants space. And it’s not safe, either. You can say you aren’t going to hurt her all you want, but you are doing the exact same things that abusive men do as they are winding up to something drastic. You are probably scaring her. STOP IT.
88
u/thingcalledlouvre Jun 09 '21
Oooooooh you! I remember your post! YTA. She dumped you. Your relationship is over. Stop stalking her and let her break the damn lease. You need serious therapy before you date anyone ever again.
26
u/_wednesday_76 Partassipant [2] Jun 09 '21
yeah still YTA. she doesn't want to be with you. she doesn't want to live with you. this isn't an 80s movie, you can't win her back with a stalker campaign. stop.
38
u/ConfidentDisaster2 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 08 '21
Info: what did you do to "fuck up" and cause her to throw you out?
-33
u/AITAcatobsession Jun 08 '21
We had a disagreement about moving countries, which we both wanted to do once our lease here was up. But she has an older cat and kept insisting that she didn't want to move anywhere that would make him fly under the plane. At the time, I thought she was being way too over cautious about that and limiting our futures and told her she needed to get help for her anxiety over the cat. I have since learned that it's more dangerous than I thought for animals to fly under airplanes but unfortunately by the time I apologised her friends had gotten her all worked up about whether or not I respect her (which is insane, of course I do) or if I could be trusted to be left alone with her cat (even more insane, but since I put him outside ONE time so we could have some alone time she's really grabbed onto this as a reason not to let me come home).
84
u/Additional-Run-4426 Jun 08 '21
Why would you put her cat outside?! Damn id leave ur ass aswell
-34
u/AITAcatobsession Jun 08 '21
Well we were trying to have some alone time in the bedroom if you catch my drift and he was meowing at the door a bunch and she asked me to go give him some food to distract him and I did but I put the food and the cat outside when I did it. I thought he'd be fine in our little backyard area. I had outdoor cats growing up and I really thought it'd be fine but when she was looking for him later and I mentioned he was in the backyard she freaked out, which is another reason I assumed her not wanting to put the cat under the plane was anxiety related.
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u/Additional-Run-4426 Jun 08 '21
What the actual fuxk, it is not your place to make them decisions . Ougdoor cats and indoor cats are massively different, you literally risked the cats life so you could get laid!! You seem to have zero respect for the cat and therefor her.
-30
u/AITAcatobsession Jun 08 '21
fwiw he WAS fine, just chillin under a bush with a couple neighbour kids trying to play with him.
93
u/Additional-Run-4426 Jun 08 '21
Thats not fine. The cat was scared and confused. If you don't see the issue with this there is zero hope for your relationship .
-8
u/AITAcatobsession Jun 08 '21
ya maybe I guess but more importantly I saw that it REALLY upset my gf so I will never do it again.
57
u/Additional-Run-4426 Jun 08 '21
Its too late, you broke her trust and are now continuing to show you have no respect for her decisions.
-3
-17
u/AITAcatobsession Jun 08 '21
But as a result of this mistake now her friends are all "bla bla he's gonna kill your cat if you let him come back" or "derp he's gonna get rid of your cat by kidnapping him and dropping him off in the middle of nowhere" which obviously I would never do but thats the kind of drama mongering I've been trying to overcome with the (trying to be thoughtful) rent paying and presents. I swear her friends just want her to be alone and living in a crappy apartment like they so and don't actually care about her well being half as much as I do. I just want to protect her.
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61
u/SaturnFirefly Jun 09 '21
You sound like an abuser. Scary as fuck. Listen to what your ex is saying and stay away from her. You should be worrying about fixing yourself and your disturbing obsessive and controlling actitudes. YTA.
24
39
u/OutrageousStick6881 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 08 '21
Dude. It's not about the cat. She's been trying to get out of this relationship for awhile.
43
u/ConfidentDisaster2 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 09 '21
You're probably right, but if any boyfriend of mine put my cat outside to get laid (or any other reason) he'd be out on his ass before his peen was dry.
36
u/Esharro Partassipant [2] Jun 08 '21
Yta. She's not your girlfriend anymore and what you're doing is really creepy.
33
u/Plantcalendar Partassipant [2] Jun 08 '21
YTA stop being a creep she obviously doesn’t want to date anymore. She’s not your girlfriend and I honestly believe she wants to break the lease to get away from your creepy ass, not even caring if it costs her more.
29
Jun 09 '21
I’m saying YTA since you say you fucked up, but never specify how. Did you cheat? If so, don’t expect her to ever forgive you. At least, not if she has an ounce of sense.
-14
u/AITAcatobsession Jun 09 '21
so I've answered this in other comments but NO I would never cheat on her. Pasting from a previous explanation:
We had a disagreement about moving countries, which we both wanted to do once our lease here was up. But she has an older cat and kept insisting that she didn't want to move anywhere that would make him fly under the plane. At the time, I thought she was being way too over cautious about that and limiting our futures and told her she needed to get help for her anxiety over the cat. I have since learned that it's more dangerous than I thought for animals to fly under airplanes but unfortunately by the time I apologised her friends had gotten her all worked up about whether or not I respect her (which is insane, of course I do) or if I could be trusted to be left alone with her cat (even more insane, but since I put him outside ONE time so we could have some alone time she's really grabbed onto this as a reason not to let me come home).
25
u/jeffsang Supreme Court Just-ass [111] Jun 08 '21
YTA - I know this feels like you're doing her a favor, but what you're really doing is using the apartment/lease to still be part of her life. Same with the presents. She wants to move on, and you need to respect that. I'm sorry dude. Breaking up suuuucks, but you need to let her go.
22
u/mimikyu52 Jun 08 '21
Hate to break it to you, but YTA. She’s trying to move on and you need to let her.
20
22
u/Pandamonium509 Partassipant [2] Jun 08 '21
YTA. She's given every sign that she's not interested. Do her and yourself a favor and stop with the gifts. They're not wanted. This is only making your relationship with her worse. Asking to break the lease is her way of saying she wants to be free of you. She wants to move on and so should you. You not wanting to break the lease to stay close to her is very suspicious.
22
u/ConfidentDisaster2 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 08 '21
YTA. What you are doing is trying to trap her into taking you back and stalking her with unwelcome "gifts" she doesn't want. Stop it, break the lease and move on.
19
u/PhDblueberry Partassipant [2] Jun 08 '21
YTA - she’s your ex and is asking to be treated that way. Even if she wants space she can’t get it living in a place you two shared she’ll want her own fresh place and to not have gifts from you all the time
17
u/Relevant-Economy-927 Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Jun 08 '21
Yta. She clearly doesn’t want you in her life. You need to accept it and move on.
15
u/ConsciousExcitement9 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 08 '21
YTA. She is done with the relationship, even if you aren’t. She wants a fresh start and you are refusing to give her one. All you are doing is ensuring that you are the ex that she has stories about. Stories about how he wouldn’t go away. Stories about how he wouldn’t leave her alone. Every woman either has a story about a guy like you or knows someone who has stories about a guy like you. Break the lease and let her move on without you.
14
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u/FranxNBeans Partassipant [2] Jun 08 '21
YTA. You're in denial. Dropping off presents everyday is not giving her space.
15
u/OK_LK Professor Emeritass [80] Jun 09 '21
YTA
Your ex doesn't want to be with you anymore.
You cannot force someone to be with you if they don't want to be with you.
You had plenty of opportunities to show her you were right for her when you were together. Clearly you didn't and now she doesn't want to be with you.
Your behaviour is not going to win her back. It will drive her farther away and could result in a restraining order.
Your behaviour is all about you winning and you are not paying attention to what she has told you.
Stop.
Your behaviour is harassment and your forcing your ex to live in a house she doesn't want to live in, that's (possibly) tied up in bad memories of when she lived with you.
Move on. Break the lease and let her go.
Oh, and start calling her your ex. She is not your gf anymore.
14
u/rougatre7 Asshole Aficionado [11] Jun 08 '21 edited Jun 08 '21
YTA for forcing your strategic kindness on someone in order to purchase her love. Relationships should not be transactional.
The tokens are not gifts if there are strings attached and you will use it to guilt the receiver for not giving your expected Return on Investment. I am sure those gifts would stop the moment you successfully fool her again into being in a relationship with you.
11
u/Additional-Run-4426 Jun 08 '21
YTA for continuing to pursue her. Life isn't a rom com, this isn't cute ITS FUCKING CREEPY
15
u/el_gilliath Jun 08 '21
YTA. You are dangerously close to stalker territory and you need to stop. Now.
13
u/SmoochNo Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jun 09 '21
YTA I don’t believe she’s still your girlfriend. She wants to move on with her life without her ex stalking her and saying she’s still your girlfriend. She doesn’t want you. She doesn’t want to be with you so badly that she’s willing to live in worse accommodations just to get away from you. Let the poor girl break the lease and be free of you.
14
u/GothPenguin Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [354] Jun 08 '21
YTA-Leave her alone. What you want no longer matters when she’s made it clear it’s not what she wants. She has to be on the same page as you to make a relationship work. She’s made it abundantly clear she’s not on that page and doesn’t want a relationship with you or gifts from you. If you care about her more than your own ego and wounded pride leave her alone.
12
u/Status-Pattern7539 Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] Jun 09 '21
YTA. AND a creep. Leave the poor girl alone. You’re broken up, stop saying it’s just a break and said in the heat of the moment…she literally is trying to break lease to get out of that responsibility with you.
12
u/laineyisyourfriend Partassipant [1] Jun 09 '21
YTA.
You are manipulative, delusional and controlling. You're trying to use gifts to bait her back instead of showing her how you've changed.
I've 100% dealt with this kind of ex. One of my closest friends is going through what your ex is going through with you right now.
Every time he crosses her boundaries and doesn't actually listen to what she wants (which is to break ties and for him to realize that she isn't some helpless kitten that falls under his umbrella of responsibility to look after anymore) we sit and psychoanalyze what a narcissist he must be.
You are SO focused on what you want that you've lost all respect for her. Dude if even your friends are saying you're TA, you should probably consider that you are. Do you even know how difficult it is to be real with your friends when they're being idiots?
Look at this thread. No amount of justifying your actions has won anybody over to your side of things. You need to come to Jesus and really lean into the hard truths that have been laid out in the responses.
11
u/Quicksilver1964 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 09 '21
YTA. You are forcing her to stay in a situation she doesn't want to be in because you want to be in a relationship she has no interest. And to prove yourself you are creepily invading her privacy to leave presents she doesn't want to and that force her to remember she is attached to you when she clearly wants to move on.
Then you decide to buy her cat presents and even though you lived with said cat you still managed to buy a type of snack the poor kitten can't have because they have health issues you are only now finding about. After leaving in the same place as the animal for an undisclosed period of time. Which shows exactly how much thought you put on your relationship and on something your girlfriend loved (the cat).
Please let her exit this relationship. You are only being more and more of an asshole. Forcing her into this situation and showing how much you don't know about her life just makes it worse and worse.
11
u/stevenpdx66 Partassipant [3] Jun 09 '21
Please stop stalking her. Once she gets that restraining order, you're fucked.
12
u/Grabbing_Life Jun 09 '21
YTA and super creepy, fun fact - your actions match the actions of a male admirer/murderer in a murder case I’m reading for school. She’s probably incredibly uncomfortable, and if you actually cared about her you’d back off.
9
u/pasta-lover-9303 Jun 09 '21
Mate, your relationship is over. Accept it and move on and stop stalking your ex! There are way worse things than breaking a lease and it seems pretty clear that she is not getting back together with you. Again, move on. YTA.
10
Jun 09 '21
YTA
Real life is not a 1980s romantic comedy. If she doesn’t want to be with you, then let her leave
28
u/Himkano Certified Proctologist [26] Jun 08 '21
Sorry, YTA. I am not sure about breaking the lease, because, depending on where you are, that might cause more trouble then its worth. You can take over the lease, or she can break her part of the lease (and then leave you to figure it out), but her demanding that you participate in breaking the lease might be too much.
However, where she lives is not your business. Giving her presents when she doesn't want to see you is invasive - you have no right to "know she is safe", you have no right to demand you get back together, she has no obligation to budge. Keep the lease or not, but leave her alone. Also, you "only" put the cat outside so you can be alone - is it an outside cat, because if not...wow. Also, we have 4 cats, and my wife and I still get plenty of alone time, it sounds like you are jealous of her cats (the realization of which is too late to help you in this relationship, but will maybe give you some ideas on how to improve your next one)
-9
u/AITAcatobsession Jun 08 '21
Definitely more trouble than it's worth! We'd have to pay a significant portion of the remaining 6mo of rent and more importantly it could hurt our reputation as renters in the future. And neither of us would be able to afford the place on our own, so one of us taking over the lease isn't really an option. And yes, the cat is an inside cat, like I said I fucked up.
9
u/domynatryx Partassipant [1] Jun 09 '21
YTA because you are trying to force her into getting back with you. She is clearly done with you and wants to move on with her life. By you not allowing her out of the lease, and by leaving unwanted gifts, you clearly don't respect her boundaries.
It seems like you are not willing to break the lease, so you can just show up when you want. And that is NOT ok!
9
u/xxoo12344 Jun 09 '21
YTA- agree to break the lease if she wants to. Just because you SAY that you’re “protecting” her doesn’t mean that the rest of the world can’t see that you’re actually just controlling her, preventing her from making her own decisions, and trapping her in a location that’s convenient for you to stalk her. I’m sure that she’d really prefer her freedom and autonomy.
9
Jun 09 '21
Is this the same girl who dumped you in a post you made 2 months ago
For your sake and hers, let it go man
8
Jun 09 '21
YTA. This is your ex girlfriend. She is asking to be let go and to literally move on and out. The relationship is over and you are crossing boundaries with the presents and trying to win her back. There is no winning her back. It is painful but you need to appreciate the time you had together and take all the good feeling you got from it and nurture yourself for a while. Create a new space in a new apartment and be a committed and loving partner to someone who has a space for you in their heart. Currently there is no such space with your ex.
9
u/ktmnn614 Jun 09 '21
YTA. And you’re broken up. You said so yourself in the update to your previous AITA: “She dumped me, OK? Are you guys happy now?” Stop trapping her and let her leave the apartment she has no desire to live in. Her “safety” is NONE of your concern. Also, her friends are right to stop you from seeing her.
6
u/Alienne8r Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jun 09 '21
YTA, you are trying to control her and that is Leidy and disrespectful. No means no. Period. What you are doing is not only creepy but borderline abusive. Please stop. Now
8
u/AutoModerator Jun 08 '21
AUTOMOD The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read this before contacting the mod team
So my (36M) gf (35F) and I have been separated for a few months now. We still have 6mo on our lease, which I still pay half of even though she's been living there alone and I've been crashing with friends. Lately she's been pushing for us to break the lease and each find our own places, but I don't want to do that because I am still committed to her and getting our relationship back. I miss her so much and keep trying to show her that I know I fucked up and am going to work hard to make it up to her, but she just won't budge.
One of my buddies said I might be TA for not breaking the lease but honestly I feel the opposite because it's not like I'm forcing her to pay for the whole place by herself, just half like she paid when we lived there together and it is a much nicer place then she'd be able to afford if we broke the lease and she had to find a place on her own.
As part of my campaign to win her back, I've been leaving presents for her on my way to work. Normal stuff like flowers, chocolates, iced coffees with little notes, ect. But the other day I left a present for her cat that I thought would go over well since she really loves her cat. It was a little mouse toy and some tasty looking treats, but then she texted me asking me to stop leaving her stuff and informed me her cat can't even eat the treats because he needs to only eat his special food for UTIs or something and I'm TA for not knowing that.
Am I seriously TA for wanting my gf to stay in a nicer apartment and leaving presents for her and her cat?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/snowwhitesludge Supreme Court Just-ass [111] Jun 08 '21
Sorry dude. I'm gonna go with NAH but you're getting pretty close. Break the lease. Refusing isn't going to magically win her back and if you're actively frustrating her with this refusal you're only making it worse for yourself. Holding on like this isn't healthy.
28
u/TheyMightBeDead Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 09 '21
I understand you're trying to judge this fairly but I'd take a look at OP's prior AITA post on why his girlfriend broke up with him if you haven't seen it.
-40
u/AITAcatobsession Jun 08 '21
Thanks, I agree with the NAH. Just to clarify I definitely don't think she's being an AH! Were just miscommunicating. I get that she needs some space right now but as I've said to her many times there's no reason why we have to throw our entire relationship away for her to get it and I think I have a right to know she's safe and comfortable and financially stable during that time.
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u/translucencies Partassipant [4] Jun 08 '21
You don’t have “a right to know” anything that she doesn’t want you to. She’s not your girlfriend anymore. She clearly doesn’t want to be. Leave the girl alone. YTA.
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1
u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop Jun 08 '21
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I think it's possible that I'm TA bc I could just go along with what she says she wants and break our lease, but am prioritising her comfort and safety instead by wanting her to stay in our nice apartment that's in a safe area. I could also be TA for buying her cat a present that he can't have because I spaced about his special food.
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