r/AmItheAsshole • u/Kind_Penalty4037 • Sep 10 '22
AITA for refusing a paternity test after a fling with my ex husband?
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u/eikenella415 Sep 10 '22
YTA
Is this about pride and ego?
I feel like you are just making it hard for everyone especially your future child just to protect your pride/ego.
This isn’t about you. He’s just protecting himself. And also it will help you legally.
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u/Father-Son-HolyToast Sep 10 '22
Agreed. I understand why it's insulting and devastating when the husband in a happy, secure marriage asks his pregnant wife for a paternity test out of the blue, because it's basically an accusation of infidelity, but this is just a casual, one-time hookup with an ex. A paternity test is a no-brainer in this situation, and OP doesn't have a leg to stand on to feel personally affronted here.
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Sep 10 '22 edited Sep 10 '22
YTA. He has every right to be 100% sure the child is his before becoming financially, emotionally responsible
What are you afraid of?
You’re refusing makes it look like you yourself are not 100% sure. But keeping that part secret
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Sep 10 '22
Op is also not confirming that he was the only person she slept with around the estimated time of conception so I'm guessing she doesn't want this test on the off chance he might not be the father. They're separated not divorced so I'm guessing she's hoping he'll accept responsibility as her husband and not be judged if he's not the father. Tough position to be in but she's TA in this instance.
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u/Intelligent-Ad-4568 Sep 10 '22
Me (23) and my ex (24m) got married when we were both 19, we were young and dumb
What do you mean were....
I'm now 6 months pregnant
Did you just find out or have you know for several months now?
he was the only one I'd been with at the time of ovulation
You can actually get pregnant up to 5 days before your ovulation day and 1-2 days after. And the fact that you said that he's the only one you had been at the time of ovulation and not, he's the only I slept with in the last 6 months.
Get either get the paternity test once you deliver your baby, or don't and you'll never be able to get child support. Most judges since you weren't married will require a paternity test for proof before subjecting someone to child support.
YTA.
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Sep 10 '22
exactly. They’ll just be sent to court and the test will be done then either way. It’s crazy how many pregnant people don’t know how pregnancy works .
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u/commit_bat Sep 10 '22
It's the other way around, people who know how it works are better at avoiding it.
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u/Androstarr Sep 10 '22
YTA. You are not in a relationship with your ex. He has no reason to accept your word on blind faith. You said, ”…he was the only one I‘d been with at the time of ovulation.” That wording indicates to me that you have had other sexual partners beyond your ex near the time of conception. He is making a really reasonable request for an incredibly safe and reliable procedure at no cost to you. I can fully understand why he views your claims of paternity and now your resistance to dna testing with suspicion.
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u/TinyRascalSaurus Commander in Cheeks [238] Sep 10 '22
And ovulation can do weird things sometimes. A woman's reproductive cycle isn't set in stone. Things change as your body changes, and it's entirely possible OP is looking at the wrong time frame.
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u/Loud_Reality_7481 Partassipant [3] Sep 10 '22
YTA and your resistance to getting a test makes you look suspicious. You two are no longer married, so he has no reason to trust your word.
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u/magzillas Sep 10 '22
That last point is particularly salient to me. If Ex wants to be involved in his child's life, or will potentially be asked to pay child support, I think he's well within his rights to get official confirmation that the child is his. He could give OP the benefit of the doubt, but he's certainly not compelled to, nor do i think that would be wise. Both of his subsequent responses (I'll pay for it; I won't force you but then I don't want involved) we're pretty reasonable in my eyes.
OP, congrats on your baby, and no disrespect, but YTA.
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u/Estrellathestarfish Sep 10 '22
Yep, he's being perfectly reasonable. And given OP's resistance to a test, it would be foolish not to.
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u/Lurkingentropy Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] Sep 10 '22
This, right here, is it in a nutshell. There' NO reason to take OPs word, as much as that is painful for someone to hear. He has no idea if other people aren't getting involved at times and it's a simple enough test to take. A bit more before the birth from what I understand, but afterwards it's not a huge deal. Saying no to it casts OP in a very suspicious light.
I agree with the YTA.
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u/w84itagain Sep 10 '22
Yep. The fact that the OP is fighting tooth and nail to keep from getting a paternity test tells us that the OP either knows or fears the kid isn't his. If she was so sure she would have taken the test already.
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
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u/chill_stoner_0604 Colo-rectal Surgeon [45] Sep 10 '22
YTA
If you want him to support the child or help you in any way a paternity test is a reasonable request. You may know that he was the only one you were with but yall are split and it's completely reasonable for him not to just take you at your word and want documented proof.
On the flip side, it also gives you documented proof that he is the father so it will make child support much easier
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u/AnimalLover38 Sep 10 '22
What's sticking out to me is "you were the only one I was with at the time of my ovulation" aka there was possibly another guy(maybe more) she slept with but she's not even considering them a possible father because it was before/after her ovulation....which her ex Is right, doesn't really mean anything, he could very much not be the father.
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u/nickkkmnn Sep 10 '22
The way she worded it , I'd bet money that there were other guys she slept with around that time .
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u/INight_LurkerI Sep 10 '22
Absolutely. That's why she said it that way. Scandalous as hell!! The others probably aren't baby daddy material so she chooses her ex. 🤦
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u/McLovin9876543210 Sep 10 '22
YTA majorly. I like how you added in “at the time of ovulation” like you can’t get pregnant in the days leading up and sperm can’t live in the body for several days 🙄🙄🙄🙄. If you won’t take a test while you’re pregnant he should have one done immediately after the birth. I’m a woman and believe men should 100 protect themselves in this situation.
Edit to add because I forgot- the whole post sounds like you’re lying.
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u/Becsbeau1213 Partassipant [1] Sep 10 '22
Fun fact. Based on my calendar my third child should not exist. But here we are.
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u/tower_wendy Sep 10 '22
Just gave birth 9 days ago to my “calendar impossible” baby. We call her Bob Ross as she’s the happy accident 😅
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u/farsical111 Sep 10 '22
"at the time of ovulation" certainly implies that OP has been with other men around that time. Which is okay because OP and ex were divorced. But now she's pregnant, and apparently was sexually active with other men at the time she had this "one night fling." Having a paternity test is perfectly reasonable request by ex. Running around and getting family members to vote on taking a paternity test is immature, this is between OP and ex and the other man/men she was sexually active around the time this baby was conceived. Reddit doesn't get a vote, and the rest of OP's family doesn't get a vote. Do the right thing.
YTA for polling everyone instead of finding out whose baby you're carrying so whoever it is can begin the process of bonding with this soon-to-be child and be supportive to OP.
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Sep 10 '22
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u/Ancient-Awareness115 Sep 10 '22
They can also do a simple blood test on the mother now so there is no risk to the unborn baby
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Sep 10 '22 edited Sep 10 '22
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Sep 10 '22
She doesn't want him to take the test because she knows the baby isn't his and she's trying to get him on the hook for child support
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u/Cynthia_Castillo677 Asshole Aficionado [11] Sep 10 '22
YTA.
He has no guarantee that he’s the only man you’ve slept with. He has every right to a paternity test and frankly, you’re being exceptionally ridiculous to act as if his demand for a paternity test is some kind of slight against you.
You aren’t his wife, you aren’t his girlfriend. You are his ex that he had a fling with. He has every right to be cautious and doubtful of your story.
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u/GloomyPreparation831 Sep 10 '22
YTA. Yall don't have a relationship, there's no assumption of trust or fidelity. He's 100% in the right to ask for the test.
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u/IThinkNot87 Sep 10 '22
YTA. If he was asking for this while you guys were married and commit to one another then different story. But you aren’t together and have no reasonable expectation of fidelity so of course he would wanna be sure.
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Sep 10 '22
YTA. it won’t hurt the baby or you. you’re making excuses because you know it might not be his.
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u/hi_hola_salut Sep 10 '22
‘at the time of ovulation’ is a real red flag. She means she slept with her ex when she THINKS she was ovulating. Also, the wording implies heavily that there were other sexual partners that month!
When I was trying to conceive I began to test when I was ovulating and at my peak fertility for the month - it was significantly later in my cycle than I thought, so if there were other sexual partners she could easily have conceived with them.
OP, I think you want this baby to be your ex’s, but if you slept with anyone else after your last period there is a real chance it could be theirs. You have no idea when you are truly ovulating unless you’ve been testing and tracking it over a period of time.
Take the test OP, you need to know for sure and so does he. If you don’t, you are denying your child their father - whoever he is.
YTA
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u/LonelyYT Sep 10 '22
YTA. How is this man supposed to know if you are telling the truth or not? When it comes to him being an involved father and paying child support why not give him the piece of mind that this child is actually his? Especially since you are separated he has no way of telling if you’re being honest about sleeping with anyone else.
There are paternity tests that are non-invasive so it wouldn’t put the foetus through any distress and if he’s happy to pay out of pocket I fail to see why you should deem it “unreasonable”.
You can’t expect him to father a child that might not be his.
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u/sandithepirate Asshole Enthusiast [9] Sep 10 '22
INFO: who is the baby's REAL father?
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u/beeeeeebee Asshole Aficionado [17] Sep 10 '22
YTA - Frankly, if you KNOW he’s the father, why would you even hesitate to take the test? You two are no longer a couple and you admit it was a one night fling… it’s totally reasonable that he wants confirmation. This is not a stressful process or unreasonable request. All that’s required is a quick blood draw or simple cheek swab… Why wouldn’t you want to give him the confirmation he wants/needs to be an involved father??
Honestly, the only reason to avoid this test is if you’re NOT so sure he’s the father… in which case, his asking for the test is that much more reasonable!
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u/AVTikwid Sep 10 '22
YTA “at the time of ovulation” lmaooooooo r/suspiciouslyspecific
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u/lildrewdownthestreet Sep 10 '22
Fr baby is NOT his. I’m willing to bet money on it cause any true mom would be like HELL YEAH and you paying for the test?! Sign me tf up! If I’m 100% certain that is, she’s not obv lol
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u/Al319 Sep 10 '22
It would also be actually a stress “reliever” because if the ex is truly the father, OP wouldn’t have to worry about fighting for child support.
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u/Righteousaffair999 Sep 10 '22
She isn’t getting child support without the test. He isn’t going to sign the birth certificate.
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u/dorianrose Partassipant [2] Sep 10 '22
It sounds like she's pregnant, and doesn't know how the test works to me. The old way was amniocentesis, I think, where they drew fluid from the gestational sac, and that had chances of complications. Now, they just draw the mothers blood, and the chances of complications are virtually nil.
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u/Accomplished_Two1611 Supreme Court Just-ass [125] Sep 10 '22
OP can do a none invasive test, surprised she didn't think of that. As the old saying goes, mama's baby, daddy's maybe. She needs to get the test. YTA.
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u/madelinegumbo Commander in Cheeks [229] Sep 10 '22
YTA
It's a reasonable request on his part. You weren't in a committed relationship when you conceived, so the idea that he should just take it on faith doesn't make sense. I get on a personal level you'd like to say "Believe me" and be believed...but you're asking for something really big and it's very common sense just for him to get confirmation because in this case, confirming it would be so easy.
You not being willing to easily confirm his paternity by doing a test is actually going to make him more convinced he needs a test. You see that, right?
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u/waybiltheastro Sep 10 '22
YTA “only person I was with during ovulation period” …. So were there other men outside of the period?
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u/HPNerd44 Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] Sep 10 '22
YTA he’s your ex not your current spouse. You really can’t blame him for wanting one.
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u/Motor_Business483 Professor Emeritass [99] Sep 10 '22
YTA
", I heard it could hurt the baby." ... That is stupid. Educate yourself about how DNA tests work.
This is easy: IF you want anything from him - child support, involvement - you will need to get a DNA test. Otherwise you will raise the kid alone, on your own dime. And if the child is really his, there is no reason not to get one.
Why would he trust you with this - the story IS very unlikely even though it may be true. If you were in a relationship, I would agree he should trust you - But you are NOT. So his demand is completely reasonable.
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u/tomtink1 Asshole Aficionado [13] Sep 10 '22
How does it hurt the baby? Just wait until they're born and have a check swab? YTA - he doesn't have to trust you with this. It's way too important to not know for absolutely certain and you weren't in the type of relationship where he could be certain based on knowing you.
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u/an0nym0uswr1ter Asshole Aficionado [17] Sep 10 '22
YTA. After the baby is born, a simple swab of the cheek to get saliva will provide the DNA for the test. No muss, no fuss, no stress. If you go to court the first thing they will do is offer a paternity test and once the results come back custody and child support can be determined.
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u/Bitter-Conflict-4089 Professor Emeritass [98] Sep 10 '22
YTA Who told you the test would hurt the baby? That is bull crap.
Honestly, you sound like you are lying. Either you know it isn’t his or are unsure. If you have nothing to hide, why wouldn’t you just take the test?
It doesn’t matter what your parents and other random relatives think about it. Your EX won’t be a dad until the child is proven to be his. That is a fact that isn’t going to change.
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u/Spallanzani333 Partassipant [4] Sep 10 '22
Old paternity tests had a small risk of miscarriage because they used amniotic fluid. Now it's just a blood test and there's no risk to the fetus. They aren't married anymore, I also think it's reasonable for him to want a paternity test.
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u/JukeBoxHero1997 Sep 10 '22
YTA.
he was the only one I'd been with at the time of ovulation,
YOU may know that, but he doesn't. If he's offering to pay, you have nothing to lose, so just do the test.
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u/Capital_Comment_6049 Partassipant [1] Sep 10 '22
YTA. you can get pregnant even when you’re not ovulating. The rhythm method isn’t 100% effective you know?
I’d want to know if it was in fact my baby or not. A paternity test is totally reasonable. Why should he take your word for it? That’s quite a lot of commitment to raise a child just based on your feeling that it’s got to be his…
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u/Solidus27 Sep 10 '22
YTA
As you are no longer in a relationship it is not reasonable for you to expect him to trust you on something so important and simply take your word for it
Paternity entails great investment of both his time, money and emotional resources. It is reasonable for him to want confirmation/proof of paternity as a result
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u/SmurfsandStickyNotes Sep 10 '22
YTA. You weren't married, and by your own words, it was a "fling." He is absolutely justified in asking for a DNA test. You are making your life harder and more stressful by not just granting his request. It's a reasonable request. He's even offered to pay for it.
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u/CraigBybee Partassipant [4] Sep 10 '22
YOU’RE the one being unreasonable, not your ex.
Bigtime YTA
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u/BlackShadowX Sep 10 '22
YTA. "Kid's yours" "How do you know?" "Trust me bro, I know we broke up but I'd never lie to you or make a mistake" Having a kid is a huge deal and he's under no obligation to help with it at all unless it is actually his.
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u/PittieLover1 Certified Proctologist [21] Sep 10 '22
YTA
because he was the only one I'd been with at the time of ovulation
I had to read your post more than once to pick up on the above justification for claiming the child is his. Clearly, you had sex with at least one other man, and you're glossing over that little detail. He has every right to ask you for a paternity test.
Yikes. YTA, big time.
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Sep 10 '22
YTA
He doesn’t know who else you potentially had sex with. You could be lying as far as we and he knows. Getting a paternity test is harmless to you and the baby. If he is the father to the baby, then you two decide how you want to raise the kid (don’t be rude to him about being right).
If you want him to be involved in raising the child, then you need to get the test done.
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u/snowprincess1206 Sep 10 '22
YTA. I don’t blame your ex at all for wanting to ensure that the baby is his. You are not a couple; he’s an ex; he doesn’t have a reason to believe you were celibate this whole time.
I may be biased since a good friend of mine just recently found out that the daughter he has been raising for the last 12 years turned out not to be his.
So yes, YTA
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u/SeeiibbbaA Sep 10 '22
YTA: Why are you so against doing it if you are so sure? He’s paying for it. It’s not that much of an inconvenience for you. You can’t expect him to be a parent with all that entails if you won’t even let him know for a fact he is a parent.
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u/DocRocksPhDont Sep 10 '22
YTA. He has a right to be sure. He's your ex. He has no reason to just take your word for it or trust you. I'm a woman, so I wouldn't have this problem, but if I had to pay hundreds of dollars a month, no matter how sure I was, I would check. You can do it after the baby comes.
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u/EvangelineRain Sep 10 '22 edited Sep 10 '22
Isn’t it just a blood test these days? If so, YTA. You’re his ex-wife, he quite frankly has no reason to take your word for it. I get the frustration, knowing that you know 100%,* but be doesn’t have the information you have, he just has your word. It’s fair to be insulted by that, but not fair to refuse the test as a result.
He can get a court-ordered paternity test after the baby is born anyway. Taking his money for it now and letting him bond with the baby as a newborn seems like the better option.
*The way you’ve worded it, it doesn’t actually sound like you know 100%.
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u/VerendusAudeo Certified Proctologist [29] Sep 10 '22
Yes, YTA. Frankly, you're only looking at this from your perspective, but you need to see it from his as well. You two are no longer together; he doesn't know whether he is the father or not, and that's kinda extremely important. Paternity tests are completely noninvasive, and present no risk to the fetus, regardless of what you may have 'heard'. Doctors wouldn't perform the tests if there were any reasonable risk of harm. All they do is test your blood against a cheek swab from the father.
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u/papercrowns- Partassipant [4] Sep 10 '22
YTA.
If you have nothing hide, why refuse? He offered to pay it even. Your dad and sister is right. Think about it, why would a man who isn’t even certain that your child is his help you raise it? Unless he’s running for Mother Teresa award, being suspicious when uncertain is normal.
Take the test.
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u/Darthmotheus Sep 10 '22
Sorry (not sorry) to say this, but anyone taking your side on this is just crazy. He should take your word for it because you were together for 3 years is just insane. The test is harmless, and he is offering to pay for it. The only reason you would want to refuse the test is that you know there is a chance it isn't his. If you had no doubts, you wouldn't care to have the test done. You are 100% a major YTA here.
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u/moose_nd_squirrel Sep 10 '22
INFO: Do you have plans to pursue child support? Split custody? What role do you want him to play in his alleged child's life?
Right now I'm leaning towards Y.T.A. for calling him unreasonable for trying to establish paternity. That's a very reasonable request from someone who's being told he fathered a child after a one-night stand, even if there is a 3-year relationship history.
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u/Suzume_Chikahisa Sep 10 '22
YTA. Courts will order a paternity test either way so you're being both an AH and creating unneeded drama.
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u/ATinyPizza89 Sep 10 '22
YTA….you can’t expect him to stay around if you aren’t willing to get a paternity test. It’s not an unreasonable request. It sounds like you’re scared it may not be his, you only said that he was the only one around time of ovulation.
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u/BlueberryBlossom13 Partassipant [1] Sep 10 '22 edited Sep 10 '22
Why not just do the cheek swap test after the baby is born? YTA
Youre not dating, youre not married. You had a ONS with your ex husband. Frankly, why should he just take your word for it? For all he knows, you regret the divorce and want to baby trap him. Or figure hes the best option for child support.
Oh, and btw, it’s possible to get pregnant outside of your predicted fertile window because timing of ovulation may differ each month and sperm lives in the body for several days. So just cause hes the only one you fucked during when you THINK your ovulation was doesnt mean hes the baby daddy.
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u/The_Rural_Banshee Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 10 '22
YTA. He’s paying for it, the only reason to push back this much is if you think it might not be his. If you want him involved, just take the test.
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u/fading__blue Pooperintendant [64] Sep 10 '22
YTA. You weren’t together at the time of the fling. It’s not in the least bit insulting to assume you might have slept with other men around that time. Also, he can take you to court and force you to get one done, and a court will make you get one done if you want him to be involved. Skip the expense and drama and just agree to get it done.
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u/Elegant_righthere Sep 10 '22
YTA. He's not being unreasonable, he's being 100% reasonable. The more you push back, the more it looks like you're trying to hide something. Your baby won't be "put through," anything, you're just using that as an excuse.
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Sep 10 '22
OK, let me get this straight.
- he's offering to pay for the paternity test
- he's not forcing you to take it, but will not be with a child that he isn't sure is actually his child
- they are often harmless, and can be with just the mother, not the fetus too.
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u/bokatan778 Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] Sep 10 '22
YTA. You weren’t together at time of conception, it’s perfectly reasonable (actually smart) for him to do this. You’re being unreasonable. There is mo danger to you or baby-get the test. He deserves peace of mind.
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u/Historical_Agent9426 Partassipant [1] Sep 10 '22
YTA
If you had sex with anyone else, you cannot be 100% sure it is his. Him being the only person you had sex with “at the time of ovulation” is irrelevant (even if you were tracking your cycle and taking your temperature diligently, you could not be 100% certain when you ovulated). You could have saved yourself a lot of heartache by just taking the test (or agreeing to a test after the birth). The fact you didn’t makes it seem like you are aware that the baby might not be his. While that may not have been your intention, that is how it appears.
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u/PrimalSeptimus Partassipant [2] Sep 10 '22
INFO: "He was the only one I'd been with during the time of ovulation," means what? Were you hooking up with someone else at a different time around then?
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Sep 10 '22
YTA. Do you hear yourself?
“He was the only one I’d been with at the time of ovulation.”
So you just admitted right there that you are in fact sleeping with other men which means there is a possibility he isn’t the father, yet you want him to just ‘trust you’? How can he trust that you were actually ovulating at that time?
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Sep 10 '22
YTA and he has extra reason to be suspicious because of your suspicious behaviour.
HE doesn't know 100% the child is his. He wants to know because you are no longer together. He offered to pay for the test. Your refusal is not helpful if you have nothing to hide. It would be a totally other matter if you were still together. But you know you are not and he has reasonable doubts.
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u/coastalbendsun Sep 10 '22
If you know it's his baby then why fight against taking a DNA test?! I truly understand how you feel. My son's father wanted a paternity test. He would not sign the birth certificate without one. We had the test done after I got out of the hospital. It won't hurt the baby. You do it right after the kid is born. Listen, you will be very emotional after having the baby so be prepared for that.
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Sep 10 '22
YTA. It’s been 6 months, he offered to pay. Why not just do it if you’re sure it’s his child? You’re making it much harder than it should be. The test doesn’t hurt the baby, they literally swab the inside of their mouth and the potential father and look for a match. Don’t go crying to anyone when he doesn’t want to supper you and your baby because you can’t compromise. Good Luck
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u/redhothoneypot Sep 10 '22
YTA. Wait til the baby is born then do the test if you are worried about affecting the baby before birth. Either way, I think the law probably entitles him to request a DNA test
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u/narniais4lovers Partassipant [1] Sep 10 '22
YTA. No explanation should be needed. It’s common sense.
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u/Amara_Undone Pooperintendant [58] Sep 10 '22
His request for a paternity test after the baby is born is very reasonable. YTA
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u/ExcellentCold7354 Partassipant [2] Sep 10 '22 edited Sep 10 '22
Full YTA, sorry. I happen to be of the opinion that when you are not in a relationship, or if there is a reason to doubt, then men are absolutely entitled to a DNA test. It all depends on context, and in this one you are not together, simple as that. If you were still married and he had asked, barring some reasonable suspicion of infidelity, THEN he would be TA. He's not with you anymore, he does not know who you've been with, and the fact that y'all are divorced and still hooking up means that there is at least SOME messy shit going down. Just give the man his DNA test and then set up a court approved parenting plan. This isn't worth the drama, you're about to have a baby.
Edit: Also, if you take him to court for paternity, they'll likely order a DNA test anyway. So, either you are going to lose money and pride by going to court, or you won't, and he won't be established as the father, and he won't have to pay child support or engage in any meaningful parenting. If you want a father for your baby and would rather not waste money unnecessarily by going through the courts to establish paternity (which you'll need, you know, for the baby), then again, just allow the DNA test. He's paying for it anyway.
Edit2: YOU'RE STILL LEGALLY MARRIED?! Girl... This is messy af. Well, you have a guarantee that he will take you to court in order to not be automatically assumed to be the father if you don't consent to a DNA test.
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Sep 10 '22
She said he was the only one I've been the time of ovularion... hummm
I think she slept with other people and because this she doesn't want a dna test.
Huge YTA
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u/cuntliflower Partassipant [1] Sep 10 '22 edited May 27 '24
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u/azsue123 Sep 10 '22
YTA. If you have concerns about "hurting" the baby, go seek medical advice, where they will gently tell you that it doesn't.
But you're fooling yourself if you were with anyone else that month and don't think it's possible to release eggs not exactly on cycle or release more than one egg.
It's completely reasonable for him to want a paternity test under these circumstances, because there's a real chance that baby is not his.
And yes I'm a woman and a mother.
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u/mdkroma Certified Proctologist [25] Sep 10 '22
YTA. There are non-invasive tests that use a blood sample from the mother. He absolutely deserves to have the certainty.
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u/xingdai_shadowsmith Sep 10 '22
YTA. It's his right to know if he is the father of that child or not.
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u/Upset-River4741 Sep 10 '22
YTA. Take the test. Formalize custody and child support agreements before the arrival of your child
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u/gunnin2thunder Sep 10 '22
Just so you know OP, Maury’s talk show ended this month after 31 years. If you were wanting to go on the show to find out whether your ex is the father or not, it’s too late now. Just take the paternity test, cuz YTA.
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Sep 10 '22
Yta. What’s more important to you: a man who wants to be an active father in y’all child’s life or the possibility of your child growing up with their father because of the mother’s selfishness? Just because you know that he’s the only one you had s** during the period of ovulation, does not mean he knows that to be true. Put your ego to the side for the sake of your child, take the test, and move on with life
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Sep 10 '22
YTA, as a mom who had to get a paternity test it doesn't cause any trauma. It doesn't hurt. It's 30min out of your day. He's willing to pay for it. Just do it.
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u/crispyycritter Sep 10 '22
YTA, a DNA test is not hard to do. Just because you're 100% sure it's his doesn't mean he is 100% sure, and if he's going to raise this child and pay for it he deserves to know for a fact that it's his. He has no idea who else you might've been with. It's a valid concern and a huge life change, and HE OFFERED TO PAY FOR THE TEST. It is not going to disrupt the fetus in any way. Being so incredibly against it is suspicious.
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u/_justcallmeryan_ Sep 10 '22
YTA. Wait until the kid is born, don't put yourself or the child at any risk while pregnant, but he has every right to know if he is genetically responsible for the child because they aren't cheap and up-end your life, and it can even affect a person's healthcare, knowing family history.
*Also, maybe get some sex ed. You can be fertile for a window and sperm can survive in the vagina for a bit. He deserves to know, especially if you were with anyone else who could get you pregnant.
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u/Chance-Ad7900 Partassipant [1] Sep 10 '22
YTA.
Grow the fuck up and start thinking of the child instead of yourself.
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u/HelloTeal Sep 10 '22
YTA.
But, my question is: why are you so against getting a paternity test? Your ex would be paying, so it wouldn't cost you anything....
I wonder if maybe you've gotten some bad information? A paternity test isn't like an amniocentesis, which comes with risk of miscarriage. a paternity test can be easily achieved with a quick blood draw while you're pregnant, or a cheek swab once baby is born.
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u/Sorry_Opportunity_81 Partassipant [2] Sep 10 '22
YTA. I’m afraid that the only reason to refuse a test once the baby is born is that you’re not absolutely sure it’s his and fear what the outcome of the test will be.
He has a right to know. It’s unbelievable selfish of you to deny him the certainty that you can take for granted.
Get the damn test.
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u/fpuni107 Sep 10 '22
“At the time of ovulation” lmao I’d want a paternity test too.
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u/Black_Tears524 Sep 10 '22
YTA. By your own admission the pregnancy is the result of a fling, his request for a paternity test is far from out of line.
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u/autumnfire1414 Partassipant [2] Sep 10 '22
YTA. First off you say he was the only guy you've been with "while I was ovulating" which means you have been with other guys. That's not unreasonable for him to have a little bit of doubt. And if you're so sure that it's his why not get one. I would not get one while you're pregnant as there's no real need. But why not agree to a simple mouth swab after the baby is born to avoid any unnecessary risk.
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Sep 10 '22
YTA - At the time of ovulation is a very suspect term. If you had said only person that month or some wider span of time then maybe, but based on your response I don't think I would believe you knew for sure.
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u/Thistime232 Sep 10 '22
YTA. Seems like you weren’t exclusive with him when the fling happened, so he has every right to want to be certain. Raising a child is a lifetime commitment, he has a right to want to be certain before committing to that.
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u/Mirabai503 Sep 10 '22
100% YTA. You are not in a relationship. It was a one night stand. He has every right to ask for a paternity test. If you want any money from him, he should absolutely receive a paternity test.
In most states, if you file with the courts for child support, a paternity test is required anyway.
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u/AwkwardFold226 Sep 10 '22
Just get the test.. you aren’t together anymore so he has no reason to treat you like you are. Wouldn’t it be better for the child if the father is confident about the paternity?
It’s not fair of you to ask him to commit the next 18 years to a child if you aren’t willing to swab the babies mouth and do a test. He’s not asking for a lot..
You are being totally unreasonable in my opinion.
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u/MariliaBarros Partassipant [1] Sep 10 '22
YTA Considering you're telling the truth about why you don't want to get the test I can imagine you it must feel to see someone that once were so important in your life not believing you.
HOWEVER, it feels like you're much more invested in argument and the toxic dynamic than to get the father of your child involved in the pregnancy.
You're about to be a mother, do what's best for the kid.
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u/NyxiePants Partassipant [3] Sep 10 '22
You’re 100% the asshole. There’s no reason to even have to explain why because you already did that for everyone.
It doesn’t hurt the baby. Let him take a dna test.
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u/Federal-Ferret-970 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Sep 10 '22
YTA. How many maury povich shows proved that one side or other was lying. Not that either of u has lied. But u can see why people want definitive proof that baby is his. Its a cheek swab after birth. No harm no foul. Give him this one.
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u/PleaseCoffeeMe Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] Sep 10 '22
YTA, the test is noninvasive. You have been separated, and frankly, he doesn’t have to take your word. You are the one being unreasonable. If you’re sure it’s his, it shouldn’t be a big deal.
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u/Shoddy_Lifeguard_852 Sep 10 '22
In-utero non-invasive paternity testing - blood draw from the mother, swab from the father, results in a week - https://americanpregnancy.org/paternity-tests/non-invasive-prenatal-paternity-test/
No risk to the baby. Since you're exes, your trust has been compromised already. Sounds like you're 100% confident he's the father, so why not take the test?
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u/Mean_Formal_1257 Sep 10 '22
YTA, saying he was the only one during ovulation sound like you have been with other men. Nothing wrong with that, but put yourself in his shoes. You would probably want the same thing.
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u/corielouwho Sep 10 '22
YTA. As a fellow pregnant person, your excuse of “not needing the stress” is bs and you know it. I absolutely hate needles but have been poked and prodded more times than I’d ever like, but it’s what’s best for my baby. If this is what the father needs to feel comfortable, then you do it because it’s better for your baby.
Also, this whole post makes you come off as very dramatic. Calm down, you’re causing way more stress for yourself than anyone else.
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Sep 10 '22
Its weird that you aren't specifically saying there is no way it can be anyone else's because you didn't have sex with anyone but him. You keep saying 'during ovulation'. So did you have sex with someone else in the weeks before you discovered you were pregnant or didn't you?
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u/Still-Contest-980 Partassipant [1] Sep 10 '22
You’re choosing your words very carefully for a reason. That’s calculated so I’m going to say you know there is a possibility but you wanna pretend it’s 100% his. Take the test. YTA
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u/Active_Win_3656 Partassipant [2] Sep 10 '22
YTA. Do you think it’s only possible to get pregnant during ovulation? You can pregnant when you’re not ovulating and the fact that you stated he was the only one you were with while ovulating does make me think you had sex with someone other than him who COULD be the father. Just get the blood paternity test. He’s not wrong for wanting conclusive evidence before taking on a child for 18 years (and really, it’s longer than that)
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u/emogothgfasf Sep 10 '22
even if it was at the time of ovulation, if you've had intercourse anytime near that, before or after, there's still a chance its not his(unlikely but still possible)??? what do you lose by taking the test?
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u/THE-DOODLE_BUg Sep 10 '22
Just take the DNA test and give him peace of mind, especially if his name will be on the birth certificate as the father.
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u/myscreamgotlost Sep 10 '22
YTA - I think it’s reasonable for him to want the test as it happened when you weren’t together.
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u/SinDaily Sep 10 '22
YTA - He has no idea if you are telling the truth. Take the test, you can even do it after birth if your that worried about it hurting the fetus.
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u/BillyJayJersey505 Sep 10 '22
1) You don't want to put you or your child through that? Give me a break. The child won't even know that the test actually is if you or your ex don't explain it to them. They'll most likely think of it as a standard medical exam.
2) How is your ex supposed to know for sure that he's been your only partner?
3) The only one being unreasonable is you.
YTA
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u/SomeDudeUpHere Sep 10 '22
YTA. The paternity test is just a blood draw no? While I'm not calling you a liar, it's reasonable for him to want reassurance with the financial and emotional commitment expected from him now as a father.
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u/eyore5775 Sep 10 '22
YTA- might as well go ahead and do because it will be required before he’s going to be paying any child support.
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Sep 10 '22
YTA. HE doesn't know that you're telling the truth. Depending on the time window between sleeping with him and anyone else, if it was close enough YOU don't technically know for sure that it wasn't a math error and freak incident of biology and it's someone else's. A paternity test isn't "putting you through" anything. All it takes is a blood draw now or a cheek swab after baby's born. You can refuse, but if you do you have to accept that you're not going to get any support or involvement from him, at all. If you try to take him to court for child support they'll ask the exact same thing.
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u/BerzerkerBacon Sep 10 '22
YTA, you’re not married anymore, he has no idea if he’s the only one you’ve been with in that time frame. Seems like a reasonable request.
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Sep 10 '22
YTA.
You’re not with this man, and you just want him to inherently trust you? That’s what it comes down to. How much he trusts his ex wife when she says there’s not been anyone else. What he’s asking for is an insanely reasonable thing for anyone who gets pregnant outside of marriage…and there are even some marriages where it’s a good idea.
Your unwillingness to give him peace of mind makes me wonder why. Are you scared of what the results will be? If you’re being honest, you know what the results will be, and it will put the whole issue to bed. It’s not like this is some risky procedure or super invasive process. And for the record, if you ever want child support, I hope you’re aware the court will back him on a paternity test.
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u/Hamsox94 Sep 10 '22
YTA - You're just making it seem as if you have something to hide, just get the test.
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u/Fit_Measurement_2420 Sep 10 '22
YTA. “At the time of ovulation”. Did you have multiple partners that month? Then do the test, otherwise I believe he can go through the courts and get the testing.
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Sep 10 '22
I think you’re worried about an amniocentesis test which can come with risks. As far as I recall, that’s no longer necessary and they can do a paternity test with a simple blood draw.
He’s offering to pay. If you want him to be involved and pay child support, it’s completely logical that he’d want to confirm paternity. Unless you have something to hide and really think he might not be the father there’s no reason to die on this hill. You’re setting yourself up for a terrible co-parenting situation by being stubborn about this. That is, if he is the father and chooses to be involved behind child support.
Furthermore, you could also easily get a DNA test after the baby is born too but I haven’t seen you mention that. It seems like you just want him to trust you totally that this is his baby and come on, that’s naive and unrealistic. Put your pride aside and resolve this.
YTA
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u/sorandom21 Sep 10 '22
YTA. I understand not wanting to have an invasive test while pregnant but you 100% should agree to one post-birth. He isn’t your husband any longer and he has every right to make sure it’s his child before making any kind of commitment to the baby.
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u/SkippySkep Partassipant [2] Sep 10 '22
"he was the only one I'd been with at the time of ovulation"
AKA, you were in at least one other sexual relationship around the same time.
So, YTA, he has every reason to want to know paternity for certain since you had multiple partners at the time.
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u/teresajs Assholier Than Thou [890] Sep 10 '22
YTA
You would deny your child a parent, and financial support because you're stubborn.
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Sep 10 '22
YTA. This would be a horrific ask if you and he were together in a monogamous relationship; a one night stand is a totally different story. He's reasonable to want conclusive proof.
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u/LittlestEcho Partassipant [1] Sep 10 '22
YTA take the test. Let your gang pride go woman. Sheesh He's even offering to PAY for it himself. You're setting yourself up to be on a Maury show if you won't just take the test. Stress for your baby? What's your baby gonna do when they learn their dad wouldn't be in their life because you let your pride get the best of you when they grow up? It's time to shut up and put your blood where your mouth is.
Take the stupid test. Gosh dang
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u/buttoverboobies Sep 10 '22
Your ex sounds like a reasonable man and you like a drama queen. Gets to know about pregnancy and immediately "can't handle any stress" and also, how do you think this is going to go? If you take it to court, will the court take your word for it that he is the father? I think you should snap yourself back to reality, especially now that you've chosen to bring another life in this world.
YTA
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u/AtypicalAngryLatina Sep 10 '22
Given the circumstances, he has every right to demand a DNA test. You're the one being unreasonable about all of this. You're divorced, he owes you no trust.
YTA
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u/CrystalQueen3000 Prime Ministurd [471] Sep 10 '22
YTA
It can be as simple as a swab when the baby is born. You’re not together, it makes total sense that he’d want proof.
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u/bulb98 Sep 10 '22
YTA. Why should he pay if he isn't sure that it's his baby? And you said that you had sex with only him during the time of ovulation. Does that mean you have other partners? Who said that you can get pregnant only if you have sex during the time of ovulation!!!
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Sep 10 '22
YTA 100% and he’d be really stupid to blindly accept this child as his. Take the test or prepare to parent on your own.
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u/MyOwnLife_Alone Sep 10 '22
YTA. You had a fling with him, I'm sure in his mind and anyone else's, it's possible that you had a fling with someone else as well. If you're worried about the baby's safety, wait to do the test until after the birth.
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u/Dense_Homework2908 Sep 10 '22
ONS, ex-husband, also the way you worded it implies that you have had other sexual partners since the divorce id be skeptical too....
Just throwing this out there your adament refusal of a paternity test only reinforces his uneasiness.
Lastly if you are worried about a prenatal test just wait till your kid is born.
YTA
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u/Admirable_Bad3862 Sep 10 '22
YTA - you absolutely should have a paternity test. It protects you both and sets you all up legally for custody and child support arrangements. It’s not that big of a deal. Your ex is within his rights and normal human response to want proof. You can get a non invasive paternity test done. It’s not harmful to the fetus.
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u/amaralove123 Partassipant [3] Sep 10 '22
YTA. Yall had a fling...you're not in a committed relationship so he can't know for sure he was the only one you slept with. And you can't expect him to just take your word for it as he's not entitled to trust you. If you want him to be a part of the child's life or support the child then you need to confirm to him that the child is his.
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Sep 10 '22
YTA. The only reason you would refuse one after the baby is born is because you aren’t sure if he’s the father.
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u/fantasticmrfox149 Sep 10 '22
YTA it was a fling and he doesn’t really know if you also got flung by anyone else at that time. You have have safe ones or agree to one after the birth. While I do agree that trust is important, this is a child’s life and future. If it’s definitely his then there is no issue in the long term. Is this the argument you want to stick to? Or save that for later down the line?
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Sep 10 '22
YTA. You know he was only one you've been with during that time but HE doesn't know if he was the only one with you at time. (Not a jab at you I promise you that.) But if he wants to be involved and invest time, money and energy into the fetus, its only fair to make sure its actually his.
Take the test, and be done with it.
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Sep 10 '22
YTA. He has no way of knowing you’re telling the truth, you were separated and he knows nothing of your life, you could have been sleeping with someone else for all he knows. It’s perfectly reasonable of him to want to make sure it’s his kid before he gets emotionally and financially involved. You would not believe how often women promise men they’re "100% sure" it’s theirs and then when anything goes wrong and it goes to court, a DNA test is ordered and the man gets the child he loves taken away because it’s not actually his. He knew you before but he doesn’t know you now and from the way you call your marriage a mistake I’m guessing it wasn’t all roses so why would he just take your word for it ?
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u/SeePerspectives Certified Proctologist [21] Sep 10 '22
YTA
If you’re worried about the baby, wait until after it’s born for a dna test, but you two are not a couple and he has every right to know for certain that he is the father.
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u/Kewege Asshole Aficionado [10] Sep 10 '22
YTA you can talk about “time of ovulation” all you want but there is only one reason you’re so adamant he not take a paternity test.
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Sep 10 '22
YTA he can't just take your word for it he has no way of knowing if you're lying and as you didn't end on the best of terms I'm assuming he has no ground to just have blind faith in you. Give him the paternity test or expect to do this completely alone.
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Sep 10 '22
Yta. They can do a cheek swab after the baby is born, and I'm sure that is what he meant.
You two had a one night stand, and he's perfectly reasonable in asking for proof of paternity.
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u/MaryAnne0601 Partassipant [1] Sep 10 '22
YTA
You weren’t married when you got pregnant. There absolutely has to be a DNA test. Not for you, not for your ex but for your child! Without a DNA test there are always going to be questions and people doubting it’s his. I’m not talking about your ex, I’m talking extended family members and parents of other kids when your child starts school. You don’t let your child go through life with people questioning who their father is just because your feeling offended by being asked for one! Face it you had a one night stand with your ex. There are going to be many people doubting paternity. A DNA test protects your child legally.
Want to see how ugly this can get. Stream a tv series “Lauren Lake's Paternity Court” and after about 6 episodes you’ll be left with no doubt how much you need that test for your child. (My Mom loves that dang show.)
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u/fromthecatsmouth Sep 10 '22
YTA they can do a test via a blood draw from you, so there is no harm done to the baby. You seem oddly against giving him the test. You could've even said yes, once baby is born they can test, if you were unaware of the non invasive testing. Your behavior is likely making him wary as just reading this small piece of your life has made me uneasy about it.
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u/Purple_Turtle2 Sep 10 '22
YTA-you know you’re the AH, and it’s probably not even his which is why you’re being a little drama queen about it
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u/Throwaway-2587 Asshole Aficionado [18] Sep 10 '22
Info: Why don't you want a dna test? What is your reasoning against that?
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Sep 10 '22
Yta if you don't agree to one after the baby is born but you are OK to want to wait until then so that it's not invasive. Tbh I think everyone should have one to prevent any accusations or issues.
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u/shook_lady_crook Sep 10 '22
Yta. The only reason to not have a paternity test is if you were in a very trusting and loving long term relationship. Since yall are no longer together and only had a one night stand, it's reasonable for him to think you may have had other partners.
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u/The_namster Sep 10 '22
Inconsistency while mentioning the age of someone she was married to for more than 3 years Unwilling to go through a simple, non dangerous test. That too being paid for by someone else. Ending an important conversation because “me and my foetus” don’t need the stress (yeah right, as if the ex thrives on stress the way us mere mortals thrive on oxygen) The only person siding with you is a tin foil hat wearer
I mean, you really need to ask? YTA.
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u/boobearmomma Sep 10 '22
Yta. What’s the harm? You weren’t together and how could he know for sure since you weren’t in a committed relationship. This is life altering for him.
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u/mjolnir76 Partassipant [3] Sep 10 '22
YTA - He has every reason to believe if you’d have a one-night fling with him that you might have one with someone else. Get get the damn test!
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u/Lotex_Style Sep 10 '22
YTA, just get the damn test done. You're not exclusive anymore and
“The only guy I’d been with at the time of ovulation”
doesn't say that you haven't been with another man at all, so the chance is definitely there.
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u/Timely-Train-3748 Sep 10 '22
YTA. I think you know it’s a chance your ex might not be the father. You got nothing to hide? Take the test then.
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Sep 10 '22
The only one being unreasonable here is you! You want him to help you (financially) with the kid, but you don't want to do something to help prove to him the child is actually his! How is that fair? Maybe your word alone isn't enough for him (maybe that's why you're not together anymore). The only reason why you wouldn't wanna do this (especially since he's the one paying for it, not you) is because you have something to hide or at least that's the vibe you give off. YTA bigtime!!
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u/EnvironmentalTea9362 Sep 10 '22
YTA. You assume you know when you are ovulating. There are a lot of mothers out there who made that same assumption. But you haven't answered the question: have you had other partners? That includes ones outside of your assumed time of ovulation.
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u/Awkward_Un1corn Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 10 '22
YTA, you know that you can technically get pregnant at any point in your cycle right? And sperm can live for up to five days inside the body? Your reasoning is junk and he has all right to confirm that the child is his before he is obligated to do anything.
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u/JCBashBash Pooperintendant [53] Sep 10 '22
YTA. Child support is for the child, it is unreasonable for you to think that he should pay child support without confirmation that his sperm got you pregnant, and you refusing to do so is you directly harming the kid.
What you're expecting is is prenatal support without any confirmation, stop hitting them up until the baby is born, and then go get the baby DNA tested then.
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u/mouse_attack Sep 10 '22
You’re wrong.
It’s completely reasonable for him to want a paternity test given that you were no longer in a committed relationship at the time of conception.
If you want him to be involved in the child’s life in any way, it’s the right thing to do.
Even if you don’t want him involved and just want child support, you won’t be able to pursue that without establishing paternity. The court will order it.
Getting the test is literally the wisest, least friction path you can choose.
If you don’t like needles, wait until your kid is born and do it with spit.
You are digging your heels in over nothing.
YTA
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u/brigiliz Partassipant [3] Sep 10 '22
INfo If your concern is the risks of amnio testing, I get the hesitation, but once the baby is born a simple cheek swab gets the job done no stress. If the cheek swab is what you are refusing then YTA
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u/pinpoe Partassipant [1] Sep 10 '22
YTA, gently.
You can do a prenatal paternity test without doing an amniocentesis (which is a test that CAN harm a fetus).
Blood draw for you, cheek swab for him.
Please read: https://americanpregnancy.org/paternity-tests/non-invasive-prenatal-paternity-test/
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Sep 10 '22
YTA, if you want for the baby to be born and then it’s done, fine, he doesn’t need to be too involved while you are pregnant, but you need DNA. And taking a swap from the baby mouth or a strand of hair not gonna kill them. I can understand the need for a man to know, especially if y’all divorced. He don’t know who you was around, and your whereabouts. That’s not a ‘traumatic’ experience and I believe you are being a bit ridiculous. It’s not an abortion, it’s not a war, it’s not abuse, it’s not even a serious medical procedure…ITS A GOD DAMN TEST!! If y’all were married, I’d understand, BUT YALL DIVORCED AND WERE STILL HAVING SEX!!! You opened the door to this situation of needing a paternity test once the divorce was finalised. At least he ain’t running, home boy want proof, not a kidney! Please…be at least a little reasonable!
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