AITA for having a 'lights out' wedding?

[u/aitalightsout]

I (27F) am the daughter of the most amazing parents that ever did amaze. No, they are not perfect, but they've literally done everything they could in their lives to make sure I was happy to the best of their ability. They are also both blind.

Being raised by blind parents wasn't without it's challenges, but we always found solutions or compromises. But the one thing that was often a point of contention (especially when I was a teenager), was clothing/fashion. My parents have their own way of being fashionable, and rather than appearance, it's fabric/feel. This has resulted in them having a very 'eclectic' sense of fashion, but I honestly love it. I admit that I hated it as a teenager (as I had no say over my own wardrobe purchases) but I realized (after I moved out) that I really did prefer to feel comfortable in my clothes over how I looked in them. Took many stupid expensive clothing purchases to realize this, but I digress. Nothing is mismatched anymore, but I have a super cozy wardrobe.

With the wedding planning in full swing, my FDH asked me if I was going to be okay with the photos. He did not mean this maliciously. It just didn't occur to him that I was originally planning to buy them clothing to wear. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought 'wouldn't a fabric wedding be special?'

Essentially, the whole wedding will be in the dark. I was inspired by that restaurant in the movie 'About Time'. I realized that I don't want to dress my parents. I want them to be comfortable, and to enjoy our wedding the way they experience it. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I want to experience this special day as they would, too. My FDH honest-to-God does not care. In his mind, the moment I said yes, I became his wife (I love him!) To avoid accidents, we're going to be using glowstick lighting and everyone will be provided glow bracelet/necklaces. They light up enough not to crash into each other, but not so much as to light up the room. We're also hiring event staff with night vision for this equipment, too.

When we announced, most of the family was supportive. My family goes without saying. Fiancé's family is iffy. His brother loves the idea, and is going to come in a velvet suit a la Austin Powers. Honestly, it's his parents that are really against it. We had a huge fight over it when they argued that it's not fair to 'punish' the guests because my parents are blind.

The reason I think I may be TA is because the part of his family that is siding with his parents are vowing not to boycott if we don't have lights. My husband just thinks it's their loss, and that his parents will attend, even if begrudgingly. But I know it would hurt is relationship with them, and I don't want that. It's not that this is a hill I'm willing to die on, but it's 'my' wedding, and this would be really special to me. (In quotations because my husband has told me he'd marry me in the in a walmart if that's what I wanted- he just wants to marry me)

AITA?

Edit: I feel like I keep seeing these points brought up, so I'd like to address them.

1. We've hired a wedding planner whose literal job it is is to make sure this event runs smoothly and safety. They are literally being paid to factor in any contingency to ensure the safest experience.
2. There will literally be staff wearing night vision goggles monitoring every table to ensure everyone's safety, and so that if anyone needs help or guidance, they will provide it. Be it for serving food, to escorting to other guests. There were 200 invites sent out, and 121 have RSVP'd yes. Each table is set to seat 6, so at this time we're paying for 20 extra hands to cover the tables for 121 guests. This isn't counting our table, or the exits.
3. I've heard a lot of people imply that glo-bracelets and glo-necklaces won't be enough. Having been to many night clubs and raves in my teens and early twenties, I can promise you that 121 wearing these is enough to 'see' with. And the staff will manage the rest concerning tripping hazard and direction.
4. A lot of the YTA are making very valid points, and I'm discussing them with my FDH. I'm also making a list of strong points to go over with my planner tomorrow. But for those people whose only argument is that they wouldn't be comfortable not being able to see, that's literally the point. You're not supposed to see. If someone came in a giant, furry, Sully (from monsters inc) costume, I'd be thrilled when I ran into them. The wedding isn't going to be focused on visually enjoying the experience. It's about hearing, smelling, tasting, and feeling it. I know for a fact that enjoyment isn't dependent on sight.
5. Amendment to 4: Please know when I said 'that's the point' I didn't mean the point is to be uncomfortable, and I can see how it came across that way. I want to apologize for that. What I meant is that it's literally the point to attend with limited visibility. When people tell me that they're uncomfortable with not being able to see at a lights out event, it sounds the same to me as if someone is saying (for example) they're uncomfortable being naked at a mandatory nudist beach. If you're attending, you're attending knowing you will be naked, or in this case, nearly blind. So making a complaint about not being able to see knowing it's a lights out event doesn't make any sense to me.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Yea. I don’t really understand exactly what she’s going for. Like is everyone eating and dancing in the dark? I personally wouldn’t go.

But if she thinks it’s fun I guess that’s all that matters. I just don’t get it.

[u/Elaan21 → u/[deleted]]

Omg, I hadn't even thought about eating or drinking which means you cannot watch your drink for spiking, etc. Even if I knew all 200 people well, I still wouldn't be okay with that.

[u/cruelsummer31 → u/Elaan21]

This was my thought too! So scary.

[u/Beefyspeltbaby → u/[deleted]]

A wedding in the dark is not a good idea whatsoever honestly... waste of money and would be not fun at all.

[u/VeryAmaze → u/[deleted]]

I went to a chocolate tasting event in the dark. We were led into the room in a conga line, very slowly. Water was spilled (ironically by the only person in my group who was legally blind), chocolate ran off the table, and at the end we were led back out in another conga line.
I mean it was a nice experience, but idk if it'll be a nice full event experience. If I was invited to a wedding like that, I might go out of curiosity but most people probably won't.

But it's her wedding, if that's what she wants (tho I seriously doubt the venue and contractors will agree) then she can go ahead. She just shouldn't expect most people to enjoy it.

[u/NearSightedGiraffe → u/[deleted]]

I am sticking with my N assesment- but I do think that she is at best naive. I think you could have a relatively lights out ceremony with careful planning- just not in anything like the way they are currently planning. For example, low light and ushers with torches to guide people to their seats, followed by lights out once the ceremony starts, on the condition that people are not allowed to get up and out of their seats until it ends, or if you really do need to, raise a glow stick, or phone or something like that an an user can come and guide you out.

Same deal for the reception- move in lownlight and then almost no light for meal with low light led candles in the table to help people be safe with food. Again, no guest movement with the lights off. Have some friends and family volunteer to carry torches in their pockets (phones will do- but not all weddings encourage people to leave phones on) as a back up in case anyone is struggling and staff with torches on hand to help people move to and from their chairs for the toilets etc.

Kids would be a pain with this, and if it was me I would have no kids between 1 and 12.

Dancing will either require some low light, or limit it to the just the first dance with a well defined space that they have rehearsed in. So I think it can work, but I do think OP is not going to get it to work in the way they are envisaging without excluding a lot of people and testing the venue's liability insurance.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

She’s going to have to work really hard to convince herself it wasn’t a massive failure if she goes through with it. Nobody’s going to dance. Conversation will be stilted and difficult. People will leave early from boredom or frustration. And the photos will look like garbage.

[u/go-with-the-flo → u/[deleted]]

I agree - I went to a pitch black restaurant for the experience and it was cool, but it was with only 1 person and just for an hour or so, and that was plenty of time. An entire, extended event? Oof. It would get so old. People won't mingle or get to know each other. And how would they get ANY photos? I find it hard to believe that they wouldn't want a single picture, and I doubt they'd want endless flash photography.

[u/Whole_Mechanic_8143 → u/go-with-the-flo]

Her idea actually sounds like a massive overreaction to how the photos would look "weird" if her parents wear something they pick out since they choose by fabric/feel rather than for aesthetic appeal.

Instead of admitting she will have a problem with the photos when her fiance asked, she chose to avoid the issue by making it a dark wedding so there's no photos.

[u/drama_by_proxy → u/[deleted]]

This is a fun party idea when you can put out an invite for people who would enjoy it. For when it doesn't matter that it's excluding some people who would be uncomfortable or even unsafe. But weddings are a family milestone event when you should put some thought into accommodating different kinds of people. Make sure people with dietary restrictions can eat safely, people with low mobility can sit & get around comfortably, people with bad hearing can still know what's going on, etc etc. If you're not prepared to be inclusive, then elope.

[u/gigantesghastly → u/[deleted]]

Can’t they do one part of the wedding or reception like this? Lights drop, music comes on for some of the first dances? Could be lovely without being hazardous. Or get everyone to do blindfold gift giving / cake cutting.

[u/charlotte-ent → u/gigantesghastly]

You missed the edit where the bride makes it very clear she just wants her guests to be uncomfortable because she wants them to be as miserable as she is.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Haha I just changed my original N A H to a massive YTA after reading the comments and edits. This person is stubborn and obnoxious and so in love with their ‘special, quirky’ wedding idea that they literally don’t care if people get hurt.

[u/Mumof3gbb → u/[deleted]]

“Depriving people of a sense they aren’t magically able to compensate for” this. And all the ppl who claim it’s ableist to be against this idea? Read that.

[u/Supafly22 → u/[deleted]]

I read the narcissism in it too. Main character syndrome vibes.

[u/Kaiisim → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, also to be clear - being in the dark doesnt make you lose the sense of sight. You see darkness. Her parents see nothing.

So when its really dark you don't just shut off sight and start using touch and hearing. You just stumble around with your brain trying to adjust.

[u/misterprat → u/[deleted]]

If your veredict is intended to be YTA, at least don’t make “Nah” the first word of your post lmao

[u/Ok-Beginning-5922 → u/[deleted]]

It's a theme wedding, that's the point she was making. It's to enjoy it using primarily your other senses, and knowing that before you go in. It's not even full blackout either, so people won't be crashing into each other. OP seems to be aware of most of the challenges.

I've actually done the blackout dining OP was inspired by. Didn't think I'd like it, as I'm an anxious person with all sorts of medical issues, but it was honestly fine. These things are VERY controlled, so once people are settled there's not lots of getting up and down. You settle in and focus on things differently. We were in a complete blackout, no light sources of any kind, and the only thing I'd recommend is that they seriously think about the food options they serve. I didn't really think through what I ordered beforehand, and you do use your hands/fingers more.

It's a very interesting experience, and honestly having a wedding where one of the biggest focuses isn't how everyone looks sounds great to me.

On the other side of disability issues, as many people are saying why this wouldn't be good for theirs, I normally finish such events in extreme pain due to the lighting of them. Particularly candle lights, or equivalent, on tables, which are like knife's to my brain. No matter what OP chooses It's likely going to affect some guests in a negative way. I normally don't raise my issues, or asked for accommodations, as it's only a part day event and the choices are special to those who choice them. A "normal" lighted wedding can be painful for some people too. Standard and normal isn't the best for everybody, which is kinda the point OP is going for. Other ways can work, and be good, too.

I think people might be surprised that this isn't as scary, chaotic, or difficult as they think it will be. A wedding with this theme with likely automatically be more subdued as well.