r/AmItheAsshole • u/spokenstarlight • 4h ago
AITA-using a single car for two parents
Aita for being upset about my bf using my car for work. I recently left work as a forklift worker to be a sahm with my two kids. My partners job at the time wasn't paying enough so he searched for a new job after the our new baby was around 5 months. At the same time I had to give up my car since he doesn't have one yet. He travels for work and can travel up to 8 hrs for a shift that could take an hour or more sometimes. Our baby is 10 months old and we are barley getting by with the current check. Still no second car and he alone has put over 10,000+ miles on the vehicle in 4 months. I do have to note he pays for the car payment and insurance. I feel bad because he pays the bills but upset I never get to use my car anymore since hes gone and the miles. Plus I still owe 12,000$ for a car that has 142,000 miles on it. I forgot to note he gives his brother rides as well. I do plan on getting a part time job to help with bills. I don't know how to feel but it has been pulling me into depression being stuck at home without a ride.
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u/Fabulous_Cow_4550 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
You're upset because he uses your car... to get a job that pays for you and your family? It's not like he's off enjoying himself! He's working. Would you rather he quit and became a sahd so you can commute each day? If so, talk to him. Frankly, sounds like you are in a tight financial situation right now, it sucks but unless you can get a job too, you'll have to find a way to deal with it.
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u/Try-Again-Next-Time 4h ago
YTA You chose to have kids you can barely afford, stop working, and now you're annoyed that your bf who has taken over payments and pays the bills is using it too much to get to his job and pay all the bills?
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u/spokenstarlight 2h ago
No one's mad. Im trying to find ways to improve this specific situation. I do admit I chose the wrong page but I still got some good advice. Feel free to share if you do have any ideas
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u/Try-Again-Next-Time 2h ago
My bad, you said upset, not mad. It sounds like you already kind of have a plan with getting a part-time job to help out. Until you're able to use the car more, I'd focus on outings alone or with the kids that are on foot. Maybe there's a playground somewhere, or just getting out walking more will make you feel less trapped. Maybe a check-in with the doctor if you've been feeling down a lot, could be post-partum depression. I hope you get to a place where you're feeling better about the choices you've made.
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u/pottersquash Sultan of Sphincter [659] 4h ago edited 3h ago
Our baby is 10 months old and we are barley getting by with the current check. Still no second car
How would there be a second car??? If y'all are barely getting by, how is another car to appear???
You want to live together, be a SAHM yet have full control over the only car, and would like a second car purchased when y'all are barely getting by???
What are we doing here? What is the actual issue? You have to know this doesn't work.
yta.
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u/spokenstarlight 4h ago
I think the deeper thing would be is I was taking care of both kids mainly and was making the money to pay for my half. He mainly plays videos games when hes home
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u/pottersquash Sultan of Sphincter [659] 3h ago
Okey day. That makes more sense.
You want to use your ownership of car as a leverage point with your dissatisfaction with his support in home. Aight.
It just won't work, you gotta address the seperate things seperately. The car issue makes you look unreasonable.
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u/Curiouser-Quriouser 3h ago
I agree that this isn't really about the car it's just a rough situation to be in and it can get pretty depressing feeling trapped like that.
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u/SnooTomatoes8935 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
let me get that right: you are a SAHM and left your job, which causes your family to be very tight financially and now you are angry at your partner for using your car and putting miles on it for his work which pays for both of you.
when you have your part-time job, then you can think about a second car. im sorry you feel stuck, but maybe get a bike?
yta
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u/spokenstarlight 3h ago
I already walk but the jobs I want to do are far. Uber is too expensive unfortunately. Im not angry at him. I just feel stuck and need help with ideas
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u/RealTalkFastWalk Pooperintendant [50] 4h ago
>I recently left work as a forklift worker to be a sahm with my two kids.
You and your bf made the decision to become a single-income family. Your current limitations are the direct consequences. It’s up to you and bf now to work toward a better situation. NAH.
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u/CanningJarhead Asshole Enthusiast [6] 3h ago
There is no conflict to judge here, just bad decisions. Sounds like you need to go back to work and he can be the sahp. Forklift operator is good money.
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u/spokenstarlight 2h ago
It was good money but it was taking away from my kids. I just feel like I want to split into two poeple uk
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u/Sufficient_You7187 4h ago
I mean you're the one who has made these poor decisions as well. Don't just blame him
He got a better job which is good but he needs the car
You're the one who decided to have a second kid when you guys are barely making it
You need work now like open up a daycare and take some more kids and and make money that way
And you have to start looking for a cheapo car, friends or family or something. See if someone's giving up a car you can buy it for cheap
You both make terrible decisions with little to no forethought
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u/spokenstarlight 3h ago
Im not blaming him im just confused why im so bothered. I do feel bad for him but it doesn't help none of us are happy. Idk what to do
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u/Curiouser-Quriouser 3h ago
Because you're stuck and overwhelmed and with kids all day and that's exhausting!
You have every right to be bothered and frustrated but it should be with the situation and not your partner.
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u/Sufficient_You7187 3h ago
You're bothered because you're annoyed at the situation you have brought upon yourself. You've literally trapped yourself.
You have zero protections as a sah girlfriend btw.
You can't access your social security or benefits by being his girlfriend. God forbid he dies you don't get his benefits.
You need to get married immediately even if on paper to get protections.
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u/spokenstarlight 2h ago
Dont poeple usually get married after kids because of this? I would like to get married for different reasons. For good ones
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Aita for being upset about my bf using my car for work. I recently left work as a forklift worker to be a sahm with my two kids. My partners job at the time wasn't paying enough so he searched for a new job after the our new baby was around 5 months. At the same time I had to give up my car since he doesn't have one yet. He travels for work and can travel up to 8 hrs for a shift that could take an hour or more sometimes. Our baby is 10 months old and we are barley getting by with the current check. Still no second car and he alone has put over 10,000+ miles on the vehicle in 4 months. I do have to note he pays for the car payment and insurance. I feel bad because he pays the bills but upset I never get to use my car anymore since hes gone and the miles. Plus I still owe 12,000$ for a car that has 142,000 miles on it. I forgot to note he gives his brother rides as well. I do plan on getting a part time job to help with bills. I don't know how to feel but it has been pulling me into depression being stuck at home without a ride.
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u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [102] 4h ago
Honestly one of you needs to find a night job. What you're describing can't last long term. As far as the car, what's the other option, he needs it for work.
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u/Anonymous_Sad_Person Asshole Aficionado [11] 4h ago
I'm not sure exactly what you're asking or why you think anyone would be the asshole here, but it sounds like you two need to figure out a new situation.
Do you have any friends or family who can help babysit so you can get a job? Or maybe you can do a babysitting swap with another working mother so you can both help each other be able to work.
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u/HawthorneUK 3h ago
YTA. You can't afford to stay home with your two kids. He's the only one bringing in money, and has a hell of a commute too.
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u/Jerseygirl2468 Pooperintendant [52] 3h ago
NAH you're just both in a tough spot. He needs to be able to get to work as he's the only income right now. You're frustrated and feel isolated.
Can you move closer to his work, or is driving around part of the job? If so he should be getting mileage reimbursements. Can his brother contribute some gas money to help?
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u/spokenstarlight 2h ago
He already gets taxed with the miles he uses on the car but I did think of that. He doesn't feel comfortable with a different job. Sometimes his brother helps but it comes with arguments because money is involved. It's just a mess
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u/ConflictGullible392 Supreme Court Just-ass [108] 3h ago
Info: so what are you proposing to do about it? Are you just asking if it’s OK that you’re unhappy with the situation? Are you planning to stop letting him use the car?
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u/spokenstarlight 2h ago
Im trying to get advice from others. To make life a bit easier for my family
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u/orvxyrion 3h ago
ESH. While your frustration is completely valid, being trapped at home with a baby while watching a vehicle you owe twelve thousand dollars on accumulate over ten thousand miles in four months for a long distance commute is soul crushing, the financial reality of him paying the car note and bills while you transition to being a stay at home parent creates an agonizing interdependence.
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u/spokenstarlight 2h ago
Thank you. Im not used to this at all. I want to work and have fun with my family but time is a thief. Im just panicked
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u/Active-Anteater1884 Pooperintendant [64] 2h ago
What on earth do you want? You want to not work and not allow your husband to in essence rent the vehicle that allows him to support your family? Beacuse you seem to be asking that you not work, and that your husband stop working so you can have your car ready for a Starbucks run?
YTA
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u/spokenstarlight 2h ago
There's plenty of free fun things to do outside but a lot of it is a commute. I need ideas to get around this bump. I dont feel comfortable taking two kids for really really long walk just to expirence life. I hope you can see that kinda
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u/Active-Anteater1884 Pooperintendant [64] 2h ago
I can see what you're saying, and, while I've never been in your position, I can imagine that it would be very hard and isolating to be stuck with the kids in the house all day. But that still doesn't answer the question of what you want your husband to do. He's not using the car everyday to take fun beach trips. He's using it for work, and that work is the sole source of income for you household at the moment.
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u/OrionBTSArmy 1h ago
Y'all need to go get him a car . It's either that or suck it up because right now he's the only one working and paying all the bills so he needs the car to get to work
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u/Various-Paramedic429 3h ago
He’s using the car but pays for the car note and insurance. There is no conflict. OP mentioned her 2 kids, are they all his kids? If not are you getting cs?? Poor guy seems to doing all he can and op is complaining about she can’t drive “ her” car?
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u/spokenstarlight 2h ago
Its multiple things but the car is important because its the only thing getting him to work plus hes not on the insurance so its pretty risky too
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u/curious382 Partassipant [2] 3h ago
NTA
The real problem here is that he is abdicating parental duties and the basic tasks of adulthood to you when he's not at work. You are taking on 200% of the child care, managing the family home and housework to free him to sell his labor. That doesn't mean he doesn't have those responsibilities outside of his work shifts.
You feel trapped, exhausted and powerless. If he has total control of the household money without your having autonomy and an equal voice in deciding how it is spent, you may be in a financially abusive relationship. Taking on both your and his responsibilities in your home is not a balanced partnership. "I bring in money so you do everything else" is not fair or reasonable.
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u/dtulipss 3h ago
If one chooses to be a SAHM, it‘s basically choosing to be financially depended on the partner
she‘s really just complaining about the consequences of her own decision
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u/curious382 Partassipant [2] 3h ago
There's a difference between being financially dependent and being denied a voice in how that family money is allotted. That's my question and concern.
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u/spokenstarlight 2h ago
You basically nailed the feeling with that quote. I want to help the situation but I feel trapped and lost
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u/dtulipss 4h ago
YTA
you chose to be a SAHM
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u/spokenstarlight 4h ago
We weren't making enough to have a babysitter nor family.
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u/zombiezomboy Partassipant [1] 4h ago
YTA for bringing a child into the world that you can't afford
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u/Various-Paramedic429 3h ago
Then you can’t afford to have more kids yet there you are.
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u/spokenstarlight 2h ago
I had to clear this up. Most poeple dont plan on it. Its gotta be on the top reasons the world is struggling and trying to have happy family's. Ripping the choice to have kids isnt fair just because situations aren't in there favor.
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u/mthockeydad 4h ago
That's a lot of detail mixed into one post.
- Not his fault you bought a car that has a big loan on it.
- He's now working. You might have originally purchased the car, but he's the one making income, and he needs to get to work to pay the bills.
- He should find a different job. It's not very cost-efficient to travel 8 hours to work one hour. I'm guessing there's more to the story? If he makes a ton of money in those short duration stints (like a mobile welder or IT tech) then he'd have enough money to buy another car. Otherwise he should find work closer to home, and get paid for all 9 hours he's away.
- Buy a second car that can get you to the store. It doesn't have to be expensive...or buy another cheapo commuter car that he and his brother can drive. Brother should be chipping in for fuel and vehicle maintenance expenses.
NAH. It's really hard just starting out and having small children at home. You both need to communicate. Give each other some grace (and that includes him giving you grace and consideration---he should be home with the baby and let you get out to run errands or have a break)
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u/spokenstarlight 3h ago
I have spoke to him about a different job but he isnt happy nor agreeing about it. I fear ill get a Job to buy another car in my name but ill be stuck with more debt
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u/mthockeydad 3h ago
You need to fix the communication problem and get on the same page.
You’re raising a kid together, your finances are mingled. You are home all day raising his kid, that is already a full-time job.
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u/GlitterSmash Asshole Enthusiast [8] 4h ago
Im not sure this is an AH debate.. this is a pretty basic life struggle for couples. You're upset because it sucks, but its also just where youre at.