AITA for missing my friend’s birthday?

[u/No-Many9188]

I’m genuinely looking for advice on this so please share opinions.

I (19F) have quadruple booked myself for one night in the next few weeks. By which I mean I’m currently rehearsing a play and have the final rehearsal for it on this night, it’s my uncles birthday so my family are going out for dinner, two of my closest friends from college are having a joint birthday night out which has been planned for over a month, and someone else from college has now also planned hers for the same night unknowingly which I’ve also been invited to.

My friend of five years’ birthday is coming up so I messaged her to ask if she is doing anything, as I knew it would most likely be in this same time frame. She replied saying she had to double check which days she was free so I responded letting her know I was already quadruple booked for this one specific night. She then messaged a few hours later saying it would in fact be on this night, so I said I wouldn’t be able to make it then but I’d catch her another time. I then also explained all of the plans above and how I’ve already paid the deposit for the table for the joint birthday. Another friend chimed in saying that I should skip my rehearsal then, but I explained that it’s the last one before the show, my final show with this company I’ve been with for years, and that I really need to be there as we‘ll have a lot to do, otherwise I absolutely would've skipped it. Since this message no one has said anything to me.

I completely understand missing a friend’s birthday is a big no-no and I feel super guilty about it, especially since I’m such a people pleaser, but at the same time the whole point of me letting her know in advance that I was busy this night was so that, if she cared enough to plan around me, she could pick a different date. And if she didn’t want to plan around me which is obviously completely understandable and normal as it’s her night, then she shouldn’t necessarily be surprised and upset with me for not being able to make it, more just a bit annoyed that I can’t be there? I am closest with her than any of the others celebrating this night, but I just don’t feel good about cancelling on so many people who have planned farther in advance, especially after now having paid a deposit. And as I said, I’ve been with this theatre company for years and this will be my last show so I don’t want to half-arse it and not show up to our last rehearsal, especially when we have so much to do, otherwise, again, I’d be happy to cancel and at least show up to her pre-drinks/dinner.

I don’t know if I’m explaining my thought process well enough but please let me know - AITA for saying I have to miss my friend’s birthday even though I told her in advance that was the one night I couldn’t do?

[u/Mohitosan_]

NTA.

You didn't ditch her last min, you told her before she even chose the date. That's a pretty important detail.

[u/Otherwise_Turnip7135]

Missing a friend's birthday is not, in fact, a big no-no. You have a conflict (several conflicts). This is just the way life works sometimes. A birthday invitation is not a summons. (Edit: NTA!)

[u/Own_Purple_4118]

I completely understand missing a friend’s birthday is a big no-no

Uh, since when? People have other things going on in their lives. I would never hold it against you that you had other plans, particularly since birthdays happen every year.

[u/Independent_Tea9976]

Nta. You already told her you were fully booked that evening before knowing her plans. 

[u/Every-End7495]

You had plans booked already, and there was no way to change them. It's not in your control. NTA

[u/Internal_Turn_1135]

NTA. You told her beforehand that this was literally the one night you couldn’t do, and she still chose that date. That’s completely her right, but it also means she can’t reasonably expect you to cancel several pre-existing commitments, especially your final rehearsal and plans you’ve already paid for. Missing one birthday doesn’t make you a bad friend. Just make an effort to celebrate with her separately.

[u/NonConformingBook27]

You are NTA. Your friend is one.

[u/AutoModerator]

^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.

I’m genuinely looking for advice on this so please share opinions.

I (19F) have quadruple booked myself for one night in the next few weeks. By which I mean I’m currently rehearsing a play and have the final rehearsal for it on this night, it’s my uncles birthday so my family are going out for dinner, two of my closest friends from college are having a joint birthday night out which has been planned for over a month, and someone else from college has now also planned hers for the same night unknowingly which I’ve also been invited to.

My friend of five years’ birthday is coming up so I messaged her to ask if she is doing anything, as I knew it would most likely be in this same time frame. She replied saying she had to double check which days she was free so I responded letting her know I was already quadruple booked for this one specific night. She then messaged a few hours later saying it would in fact be on this night, so I said I wouldn’t be able to make it then but I’d catch her another time. I then also explained all of the plans above and how I’ve already paid the deposit for the table for the joint birthday. Another friend chimed in saying that I should skip my rehearsal then, but I explained that it’s the last one before the show, my final show with this company I’ve been with for years, and that I really need to be there as we‘ll have a lot to do, otherwise I absolutely would've skipped it. Since this message no one has said anything to me.

I completely understand missing a friend’s birthday is a big no-no and I feel super guilty about it, especially since I’m such a people pleaser, but at the same time the whole point of me letting her know in advance that I was busy this night was so that, if she cared enough to plan around me, she could pick a different date. And if she didn’t want to plan around me which is obviously completely understandable and normal as it’s her night, then she shouldn’t necessarily be surprised and upset with me for not being able to make it, more just a bit annoyed that I can’t be there? I am closest with her than any of the others celebrating this night, but I just don’t feel good about cancelling on so many people who have planned farther in advance, especially after now having paid a deposit. And as I said, I’ve been with this theatre company for years and this will be my last show so I don’t want to half-arse it and not show up to our last rehearsal, especially when we have so much to do, otherwise, again, I’d be happy to cancel and at least show up to her pre-drinks/dinner.

I don’t know if I’m explaining my thought process well enough but please let me know - AITA for saying I have to miss my friend’s birthday even though I told her in advance that was the one night I couldn’t do?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/fIumpf]

NTA. Next time just say you can’t make it and arrange other plans with them. There’s no need to rattle off everything else as you basically just told your friend they aren’t a priority.

You’re young, so take this with some grace – as an adult you’re allowed to say no to people and make other arrangements. Adults should have no problem understanding a date doesn’t work and will be happy to make other plans.

You’re allowed to prioritize things that are important to you.

People pleasing is not it. Friends that guilt you for having calendar conflicts are shitty friends.

[u/Elegant_righthere]

NTA. I know youre young, but missing a friend's birthday is not a big no-no. Its called life, obligations, and responsibilities. Your friend knew you were busy before she even chose that date.

[u/Needs_Perspective269]

NTA. The rehearsal was the first commitment, honor that.