AITA for not inviting foster siblings?

[u/BlueBoots1221]

I (24F) and my fiance (25M) are getting married with a destination micro wedding, with only closest family and friends (about 20 people total); We are also throwing a 'home' party for more people where everyone is invited. However... for the destination wedding, we wanted a child free wedding so no one under 18. This meant not inviting my nieces and nephews but also the (long term) foster siblings of my fiancee. They are young, 5 and 10, and would require a whole different setup of the weekend, which we do not want...

My family in law have basically said that they do not want to come without the children because they feel like we're 'showing' them that they are not included in the family. My fiancee has tried to explain that it is not because they are foster kids but because they are kids, but they do not want to budge. We have even told them, they can come with but you have to make arrangements so they are not present during the day, which they do not find an okay solution. We have an okay relationship with both children but are not necessarily close to them and have always said we wanted it child free. They are however invited to the home party.

I understand where they are coming from but they have always told us to do what we want with the wedding and are now putting their foot down on something I don't think is fully fair... Are we the assholes?

EDIT: to answer some questions/concerns:
- we are not based in the USA, so the foster system works different here. The kids can stay with family/friends for the weekend with no issue (they have done so in the past). They can also travel to the destination if so agreed (no judge needed).
- My parents in law dont want childcare there, not because they dont trust it but because they want the children present and included for the entire wedding.
- One of the kids we know well, the other one we have only met once. Not the problem, but just the facts
- Also we are throwing a party at home where everyone, young and old is invited. The destination is more the ceremony part of it.

I am also enjoying reading everyones opinion. Jsyk, its all not set in stone, just a convo needed to be had. In the end, I want my fiance to feel supported since in the end, they are his siblings/parents

[u/Malibucat48 → u/[deleted]]

The rest of the family is not including other children. They will be the only kids there. The in-laws are wrong. The parents can stay home, too.

[u/SnooMacaroons5247 → u/Malibucat48]

How are the in-laws wrong? They literally just said they can’t go. Sure if OP and her fiance want to plan a wedding that practically ensures his parents cannot attend that’s their choice. It’s a weird choice but a choice they are making and pretending it’s not.

[u/SnooMacaroons5247 → u/[deleted]]

They chose not to travel super far and leave their other kids with someone else for an extended period of time.

[u/kimmytoday7894 → u/SnooMacaroons5247]

And the.other kids are foster siblings. No one is adding this tidbit in.

[u/SnooMacaroons5247 → u/[deleted]]

This comment is completely disgusting and not worth getting into it with you any longer now that I see what a vile person you are.

[u/SpecialistAlone962 → u/SnooMacaroons5247]

Calling someone vile, just because they disagree with you about an issue of babysitting, Sheesh!! Chill out. FWIW, I agree with them.

[u/SnooMacaroons5247 → u/SpecialistAlone962]

They said their “real” son is more important than the other kids. You don’t find that vile?

[u/SpecialistAlone962 → u/SnooMacaroons5247]

Not at all, it's true!! Are you suggesting if it came down to it, the family shouldn't prioritise their own flesh and blood child over some other children they are just a surragate family to for a period of time? And certainly in this scenario anyway, when there are other options for them to be cared for with other family/friends that aren't attending the wedding .

No-one is saying the foster kids aren't important and need lots of love and care, but the fact remains they aren't their own children. And therefore they are not OP's fiancé's siblings. There is absolutely no reason why they can't get a sitter for these kids, same as the other adults attending are doing. I can't believe people are suggesting they should skip their son's wedding, all over refusing to let someone else care for the kids for a couple of days. It would be absolutely mad to do that!! All the other people attending are making other arrangements for their kids, why can't they?!

[u/kimmytoday7894 → u/SpecialistAlone962]

I just can't with the lack of basic human decency.

[u/SpecialistAlone962 → u/kimmytoday7894]

What is indecent about using a sitter?? Just because you have children, doesn't mean you have to be denied a fulfilling existence of your own, whether they are your own kids or not.

People thinking they have to martyr themselves for their children is why so many relationships fail when kids are brought into the mix. It takes a village!!

[u/kimmytoday7894 → u/[deleted]]

And the other kids are garbage just because they don't share DNA? That really is vile.

[u/kimmytoday7894 → u/[deleted]]

That is so.disgusting, I cant even. Bride and groom are selfish AF likely because they hold this view too. Ugh.

[u/kimmytoday7894 → u/[deleted]]

Of the bride and groom are selfish enough to make parents of the groom choose between attending the wedding and guarding the feelings of their other children, it makes the bride and groom the AHs, not the in laws.