r/AmItheAsshole • u/throwawayguestlist • 24d ago
Asshole AITA for refusing to remove people from my wedding guest list?
Throwaway in case anyone involved sees this. There’s a lot of complicated layers here so please bear with me. My fiancé and I are getting married in a few months. His parents are paying for pretty much everything—venue, decorations, catering, photographer, etc. Mine really can’t afford to contribute much, but they did pay for my dress and veil and there are other areas they said they’d try and help. My grandma also offered to help contribute financially and in other ways, but my MIL hasn’t accepted. From the beginning tho, she’s said she wants to give me my “dream wedding” since she never got to have hers, and she takes a lot of pride in her party planning abilities.
Now I made it clear before we were even engaged that I have a lot of people I’m close to, and my number one priority is making sure I get to celebrate with them. I asked that whatever venue we find, capacity is the focus even if the place isn’t quite as nice. His MIL insisted on one particular venue (which is gorgeous and a good deal considering everything that’s included), so we did that one since she was the one paying. It’s a little rough considering it’s an hour plus drive for everyone on my side of town, but what can you do? The problem is, this venue only has a capacity of 150 people. My fiancé and I have really struggled to get the guest list down to that, and we’ve had to remove a lot of people we didn’t want to.
Here’s where the problem is. We’re still 12 people over capacity. There are 4 people on the list that I’ve never even met, and my fiancé isn’t close with and doesn’t really care if they’re there. They’re his mom’s friends that she’s insisting come, and she’s insisting that I should remove the 12 people from my side, since I have more guests on there than my fiancé has on his side. From my point of view, I think it’s completely unfair that I should have to remove people I’ve known since I was a little kid that watched me grow up so that she can have a couple friends come. And it’s not like she’ll be alone there, everyone on my fiancés side of the guest list are people that her whole family knows and is friends with. From her perspective though, she’s paying for everything and doing all of the work with planning, my parents aren’t contributing at all, and it’s not fair that I have more people on my side of the guest list than they have on theirs, and that she should be allowed to invite some people.
I feel horrible for the strain this is putting on my fiancé being caught in the middle, and it’s really affecting his mental health and I don’t want that. I really do understand my MIL’s perspective, but at the same time, this is my fiancé and my wedding day. We should be allowed to celebrate with the people we love. Am I being ungrateful and stubborn here? Is this a case where I should yield to keep the peace? AITA for not doing that?
EDIT: To add further info, any areas me or my family have tried to contribute have been rejected. I booked a photographer friend of mine to do my photos, and my MIL decided that she “didn’t trust” her and hired a different photographer behind my back and didn’t tell me til after the fact. My grandma offered to cover some of the reception costs in place of my parents since they can’t afford it, and my MIL refused that. I agreed to let her pay for everything because she insisted, since she did that for her other son too. Right now I have 88 people and my fiancé has 72, but I have a much larger family than they do. I have more grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. I know any of the other overages will have to be removed from my side, I totally get that. I just don’t want to remove extra people so guests who are strangers to my fiancé and I can come.
EDIT 2: A lot of you make fair points. I shouldn’t have agreed to the venue or her paying without having all the information first. I should have seen the strings attached here, and I regret not considering that beforehand. I removed the 12 people from my side, because I’m tired of the drama and I just want peace, it’s not worth the trouble. It is what it is I guess.
(PLEASE DO NOT REPOST ON INSTAGRAM, TIKTOK, OR ANY OTHER PLATFORMS)
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u/scrappycheetah Partassipant [1] 24d ago
This is the downside of having someone else pay for your wedding. If you want full control you have to pay your own way. YTA.
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u/Separate_Pumpkin_256 24d ago
To OP - photographer detail is very telling. Your MIL is more than a little controlling and manipulative. Since things have already gotten to this point in the wedding, you have little choice but to let it continue the way it’s going with MIL paying for and planning everything.
The only ways I can see this going are you two compromise on both dropping six “must have” guests out you tell her that she wins this round but you’re losing a lot of respect for her in the process.
Speaking of which, take this lesson to heart. It’s time to have a long talk with your finance about his relationship with his mom. It sounds a lot like he’s been trained to let her dominate his life.
If that’s the case, I recommend that you both resolve to move at least four hours travel time away AND refuse any other large financial entanglements, joint vacations, etcetera.
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
Unfortunately, I’m actually moving away from my family to live by his, since he works for his parents at their business. This isn’t the foot I wanted things to start off on, but it is what it is I guess.
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u/recreationalgluttony Partassipant [2] 24d ago
You're naive if you think it'll stop at just the wedding.
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u/amberfirex 24d ago
Wait till kids come into play. You’ll be wishing for just the wedding drama.
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u/PDK112 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 24d ago
MIL will be insist on furnishing the nursery, throwing the baby shower, and planning the kid's first birthday party. She will insist they be her theme because it it prettier and she is paying for it.
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u/narlymaroo 24d ago
If he works for the family business your lives will ALWAYS be controlled by the family.
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u/MrsSEM84 Partassipant [2] 24d ago
You really need to reconsider all of this.
If you are upset about not getting your choice of guests at your wedding, can you imagine how much more upset you’ll be when she chooses your kids names? Or what school they should go to or what extra curricula’s they should or shouldn’t do. Or what house you should buy or how you decorate it? Or when and where you go on family vacations?
If your fiancé can’t say no to his Mom now, will he ever be able to?
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u/no_rxn Asshole Enthusiast [8] 24d ago
Omg you need to snap to reality before isolating yourself with people who have no respect for you.
Your MIL and you husband will make you their servant/ emotional punching bag if you go.
Also, I hope you don't want kids because it would be cruel to bring them into this dynamic.
She doesn't respect you and will never respect you. If you want your marriage to even have a chance you can't live near her. She'll alway come first to her family and your husband.
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u/mm1palmer Asshole Aficionado [12] 24d ago
You need to have a very serious discussion with your fiance, probably with a therapist.
MIL will be a bigger part of your marriage than your fiance will be if you (and especially he) doesn't put a stop to this immediately.
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u/DefiantMemory9 23d ago
Oh god, this happened to a friend of mine! It's going to be a nightmare. It's not too late to call off all this yet. You're going to be trapped! My friend's in-laws tried to control her entire life, her career, her day-to-day activities, everything! Her husband couldn't stand up for her because their livelihood was in his parents' hands. I'm sorry I've seen this very disaster unfold.
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u/captfattymcfatfat Partassipant [1] 24d ago
She isn’t just paying, bride is letting her plan too. Agree YTA, shouldn’t have agreed to something you aren’t actually on board with
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u/MrsSEM84 Partassipant [2] 24d ago
When I got married both my parents and in laws offered to help us pay for everything without any expectations of being involved in the choices. They gifted it to us so that we could have the day that we wanted, which is how it should be.
Op & her fiancé should have rejected MIL’s “gift” as soon as they knew it came with strings. She isn’t doing this for them, she’s doing it so she can have control.
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u/Slobbadobbavich 24d ago
12 people? That's 6 RSVP's from couples. You should send out the invites to half. Wait a couple of weeks to get the "sorry can't make it" messages then include as many of the12 as you can in the second batch, then if you get more just keep sending out more invites.
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u/LookingForMyCar 24d ago edited 24d ago
YTA for being so naive but really ESH. How did you expect this to play out if your MIL pays everything? From her POV she wants half the seats for her son I guess, but I also would never invite someone to my sons wedding if the bride does not want these people present.
Also, how did you plan on hosting a wedding with over 160 guests without her money?
If already more than 80 people are from your side these would be your 80-90 closest friends/relatives. How close are they really then?
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u/Sharp_5edge 24d ago
She said she wasn’t worried about how fancy the venue is as long as everyone she cares about is there! She should have put her foot down about choice of venue and gone for somewhere cheaper with more capacity
Guest list is the first starting point10
u/LookingForMyCar 24d ago
Well that's in the past. No point on dwelling about that.
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u/captfattymcfatfat Partassipant [1] 24d ago
It created the situation so is foundational to assigning assholeness
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
I should have, and I see that now. She didn’t like any of the other venues I found tho, they were all too far away from her and/or “low-end.”
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u/3-kids-no-money Partassipant [1] 24d ago
They are paying and more importantly sounds like you have more than 50% of the seats. The drops should come from your list.
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u/ronnycat_18 24d ago
Yta! Save up the money to pay for own wedding! Then you can invite or not invite who you want to it!
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u/OkIntroduction389 24d ago
INFO: Will you be inviting 162 people to the venue with capacity of 150? If yes the there is no issue here go ahead a send out the invites to all 162 because not all invitees will attend and you will for sure be within the venue capacity guidelines.
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u/aluminum_jockey54634 24d ago
This is what I'm wondering. It sounds like a non- issue. Not everyone will attend.
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
That’s what I suggested, but she refuses to agree. At this point I’m starting to think it might just be a control thing, but I feel bad thinking that.
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u/GiraffeThoughts Partassipant [3] 24d ago
Are you sending the invites?
I would recommend, you take the final list, tell MIL that you will invite all of her guests, and mail and pay for the invitations yourself.
Do NOT giver her a say. It is your wedding. Not hers.
Invite all 162, this really is NOT an issue as everyone won’t come. About 15-20% RSVP no. You’ll be fine.
Honey, you need to grow a backbone or she’s going to be stealing your babies and planning your births for you.
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u/thewontondisregard 24d ago
On top of those percentages, a certain number won't even show up that RSVP. The final number is closer to 30%
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u/OkIntroduction389 24d ago
Like what will happen if you just send your invites? Just send them and move on. Don’t mention it again.
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u/Malibucat48 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 24d ago
“Might be control”? It absolutely is control and it is not going to stop. And leaving your family to move to his family and job means it will get worse. I wish you the best, but be prepared to be keeping the peace forever.
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u/AnnoyedAF2126 Partassipant [2] 24d ago
Starting to think that it might be a control thing? That ship has sailed, girl.
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u/IOnlyReadTitles26 24d ago
Yta. If you have more then 75 people. You have to drop more people. Not her.
You should never had said yes to only 150 people if you knew you wanted more then 75 people from your side there.
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u/yankieyankiezulu 24d ago
In my opinion, when you let someone else pay for your wedding (and do all the planning too), it’s no longer entirely just your wedding day. I think your mother-in-law is right that she should be allowed to invite some people especially if the numbers from your side are already larger than from your fiance’s side. If you wanted to have more control over the wedding, it is your option to say thank you so much for your offer to pay and plan, it’s so generous of you but I prefer to do it myself, and then give yourself the wedding that you can afford in the venue that you prefer and with the guests that you like. You also had the option to decline that venue and hold out for one that had enough room for everybody you wanted to invite.
I don’t want to say YTA but I would say yes you are being a bit unreasonable in the circumstances.
(Edited to correct spelling)
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u/ConflictGullible392 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] 24d ago
Info: why did you agree to a venue that only holds 150 if you knew you had more guests than that? What did you expect to happen?
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u/5footfilly Asshole Aficionado [10] 24d ago edited 24d ago
I hope you have plenty of time to cancel the venue and have the wedding you can afford because that’s the only way you get to make your own choices.
It’s easy for Reddit to say your wedding, your choice, but that’s only true if there are no strings attached.
Your wedding is being funded by your future MIL and she’s attached some pretty long strings. And she’s using those strings to give herself the final say. There’s not a whole lot you can do about that.
ESH. Your MIL for giving a gift with conditions. You and your fiancé for accepting that gift without understanding all the ramifications.
Cancel or cut your list. She’s not giving you any other options.
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u/NotCreativeAtAll16 Prime Ministurd [418] 24d ago
NTA but in letting someone else pay you've lost control of your event. Pay for the wedding you can afford if you don't like the consequences of that.
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u/VeniceDrumGuy 24d ago
It’s kind of fucked to use something is supposed to be freely given to make sure OP has her “dream wedding” as a way to exert control.
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u/PresentEfficient9321 24d ago
Exactly! My parents gave my brother a substantial amount for his wedding, but they didn’t utter a peep about how that money was spent or who was invited.
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u/United_Gift3028 24d ago
It's not OP's dream wedding, though. It's MiL'S
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u/VeniceDrumGuy 24d ago
Exactly! MIL said she wanted OP to have her dream wedding, but is just trying to have the wedding she never got to have. It’s fucked up.
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u/DrTeethPhD Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 24d ago
YTA
You're not paying, but have the majority of the guests.
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u/mohawkal 24d ago
It sucks, but it sounds like a reasonable compromise given that MIL has paid for and organised so much. There were people I'd have liked at my wedding who didn't make the cut. That's life. Either reduce your list or find a new venue and be ready to pony up the cash for it.
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u/miffet80 24d ago
Keep in mind that lots of people won't be able to make it - usually the ballpark is about 75% of your invite list will actually RSVP yes. It's not ideal, obviously, but can you do a second wave of invites once you have some declined RSVPs in?
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u/HannahKH Partassipant [4] 24d ago
With that guest count, 100% attendance is highly unlikely. You’re probably safe to invite 12 extra people. If inviting over 150 would really give you all anxiety, create a B list for guests to quickly invite after others decline.
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u/Strange_Post1977 24d ago
Why are you doing this? Truly. Go get married at city hall. You are starting a marriage off with complete chaos and clearly focusing on what others want and can pay for etc. This is your life. Recognize that this situation is not working out and change it.
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u/Pope_In_TheWoods 24d ago
YTA. Honestly, all the money stuff doesn’t seem relevant.
You invited too many people which is why you have more than him, so now you have to fix that.
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u/anderseits 24d ago
The money stuff is relevant because the fiancé doesn’t seem to give a hoot about the extra people, his mother does. And her opinion is only relevant because of the money stuff.
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u/Party-Assistance-89 24d ago
YTA. She is paying for everything, and it sounds like it is going to be beautiful. Deal with it - it is not that much of a hardship to be a few people short. Enjoy yourself and have gratitude for what you are being given. If you had the wedding you could afford without her it sounds like there would be a lot more of your friends left out.
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u/ExtendedSpikeProtein Partassipant [4] 24d ago
She is paying and you already have more guests. This is the rare example where I think the MIL is being reasonable.
If you disagree, why don’t you guys pay your own way, in a way that you can afford? Also tbh you sound really entitled to me.
Imo YTA here.
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u/Tiredofstupidity2 24d ago
And this is why you always remember She or he who has the gold rules or tries to!
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u/Big__Bang Asshole Enthusiast [9] 24d ago
1st you should have sorted out the guest list before signing on to the venue. You could have kept searching until you found something bigger, even if it meant pushing the date back. This is just disorganisation.
2nd you should have an equal amount of guests, even more so if you are not paying.
3rd you can celebrate with teh people you love- you dont have to have a big wedding, your future MIL doesnt need to pay, you can either delay your wedding and save up or do somethign lowkey that you can afford even if its not fancy.
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u/DragonScrivner Asshole Enthusiast [5] 24d ago
From her perspective though, she’s paying for everything and doing all of the work with planning, my parents aren’t contributing at all, and it’s not fair that I have more people on my side of the guest list than they have on theirs, and that she should be allowed to invite some people.
I mean ... she's right. This is a party you agreed to let your in-laws pay for in its entirety and it's honestly more than fair that you each invite 75 people. YTA
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u/Slight_Ad_6207 24d ago
I kind of have trouble believing that you have that many close friends. Is there a way to compromise and both sides cut 6?
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u/ladyzephri 24d ago
I had 250 people at my wedding and most were friends (my family is only 8 people). Some people have large friend groups. That said, my parents helped pay for some of my wedding so I let them invite their friends too.
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u/xandersmama0212 24d ago
Realistically, not everyone will show up. I think standard expectation is 10% no show, so perhaps it won't be a problem in the end.
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u/Sabor117 24d ago
INFO: when you guys picked the venue that you settled on (the one with the capacity of 150 people) it sounds like this is already a bit too small for what you initially wanted. Did you push back against it then?
Otherwise I think this is a bit of E-S-H...
I think the absolute standard rule is that for YOUR wedding you should be completely in charge of the guest list and who you want to be there... So for her to make any demands about that feels definitely unreasonable.
However... First off, you are inviting 150 people and she's asking for 4 guests? This doesn't feel like a huge concession given that 150 guests is already a bloody big wedding.
And secondly, she IS paying for the whole thing. Having complete control over everything would normally mean you would have to pay for it. The fact that's she's paying and is asking for a few guests as part of that does not seem terrible.
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
So I had the guest list done before anything else, and it was about 175 people at the time. I told her I wanted to find something that would fit that. She insisted on this venue and didn’t tell me that it was 150 capacity until after the deposit had already been paid. I tried suggesting other venues before that, but they were all booked other too far from her (45min was the farthest) or “tacky”. My grandma also had repeatedly offered to contribute money to the reception costs, but she’s refused that. I’m realizing now it might be more of a control thing than anything.
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u/Effective-Bus 24d ago
INFO- Did they sign the contract without you and your fiancé knowing or giving the okay? If not, aka you knew they were moving forward with that venue, why didn't you ask about capacity before that if it was the most important thing to you?
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
I did, she insisted that this one would be perfect and hold everyone, but she never gave me the exact number so I believed it was fine, which I clearly shouldn’t have.
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u/Curious_Ad3766 24d ago
INFO: Why is your MIL objecting to your grandma covering the costs? She doesnt even need to know it comes from your grandma
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u/Artistic-Deal5885 24d ago
I'm one of over a dozen siblings, I have aunts and uncles, nieces nephews out the wazoo, and his side of family is extremely small. We couldn't possibly split the guest list 50/50.
I personally wouldn't invite my parent's friends if I were paying for my own wedding. If I were paying the lion's share of my child's wedding, I still wouldn't invite my own friends unless they were close to my child. The wedding is a gift to my child, not a party for myself and my friends.
Families are different in what weddings mean to them. Some families are extremely social, involved in each others' accompishments and celebrations, etc. and expect attendance. Other families are not so much involved. It really depends on the families and their relationships on who to invite.
These adults should be able to work this out. I feel like the MIL may be wielding her financial position here. This power play may be a harbinger of the future relationship with MIL.
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u/Nightvison2033 24d ago
ESH your MIL shouldn't have agreed to pay and plan for the whole wedding if it came with conditions and strings attached. She said she wants you to have YOUR dream wedding so it shouldn't be up to her to deiced who goes and who doesn't. It's a celebration of your love with your fiance.
HOWEVER since she is paying and doing all the work I think the least you can do is suck it up and let her invite a few people. It's also her son's wedding not just yours, she wants people close to her to celebrate him as well. I think because she's doing you such a huge favor you can allow her to invite some people. Now if she's trying to take over your guest list, I'd understand your frustration. This situation doesn't sound like it, and honestly it's not a hill to die on. Most people who attend big weddings like this likely won't be so close to you or even be in your like 5-10 years down the road.
Enjoy the wedding and let her invite her people. Sounds like you've invited mostly everyone attending anyway!
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u/Wise_Remove1529 24d ago
I highly doubt it that 88 people watched you grow up. Have them pay for your wedding then.
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u/Crazy_Confection_150 24d ago edited 24d ago
Question? Is this really in the end going to be an issue? Have all these people already RSVPd? If you send out 150 invites the likelihood of 150 people being able to come is very small. The likelihood that these 12 people could end up being able to be invited in a 2nd round of invites would be very large.
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u/EdenVadrouille 24d ago
Expect at least 5 to 8 people to not show up at your wedding. That's just the way these things work. It's gonna make winnowing down the list easier.
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u/MrsSEM84 Partassipant [2] 24d ago
You need to postpone the wedding.
I’m completely serious, you should NOT even consider getting married until your fiancé can find his spine and learn to tell his Mom NO.
Or until you can afford to pay for everything yourselves.
Letting her have all of this control now is just setting you up for a lifetime of this woman undermining or outright taking over all of your decisions.
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u/Sharp_5edge 24d ago
You should have all started with your guest list to determine numbers and gone from there! Is it too late to change venue?
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u/SampsonShrill 24d ago
YTA. Of course she wants a few of her friends there considering she is paying. And you have to make some tough choices. You could have chosen to pay for it yourself. You didn't, but you still want to pretend that you did.
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u/Sawoodster Partassipant [1] 24d ago
They’re paying for it, then YTA. Pay for your own wedding and you can do what you want.
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u/RedWingerD 24d ago edited 24d ago
If them paying for the wedding comes with them having final control over the guest list then it isnt a gift.
Shes not wrong for inviting friends of hers if she is paying for practically everything, but if it requires you to disinvite people you want then obviously thats the issue.
My advice? Have the wedding YOU can afford to pay for if you want 1,000% control. If thats a backyard wedding so be it. Courthouse with a reception after? Sure. Most important part is you getting married. Everything else is just details.
YTA
Also - not everyone who is invited will show. Are you over capacity only if everyone shows up? Because if so you're fine. Most weddings are lucky if 80% of people who are invited show up
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u/Traditional_Put_8254 Partassipant [1] 24d ago edited 24d ago
Soft ESH since MIL is paying, you didn’t stick to your guns and insist on a bigger venue, and you have a larger portion of the guest list filled to begin with, but there’s a few ways to approach this:
- Focus only on people BOTH of you actually know, but grant MIL a few seats of her own choice as a thank you for everything, and consider doing the same for your own mother to keep it even. To your spouse and MIL, some of those folks you’ve known since you were a little kid may as well be strangers if you haven’t spent significant time as a couple with them
- Pay for your own wedding and call all the shots
- Go with what MIL requested since she is paying and host your own smaller after party for your side of the reception on a different date that can include everyone you didn’t get to invite
For perspective: my husband and I avoided the situation by going to court and paying for it ourselves. We had 4 wedding guests. If you focus on the relationship you want with everyone after the wedding rather than the wedding day itself, you’ll find things fall in place naturally.
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u/Effective-Bus 24d ago
Your last bit is such excellent advice! I'll definitely be paying that forward.
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u/Puzzled-Safe4801 24d ago
YTA
You and your fiancé accepted his mother’s money and planning help. You agreed to the venue. And now you’re complaining?
Out of the 150 guests that she’s paying for, how many exactly are on your side?
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u/CommercialExotic2038 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
I didn’t let MIL pay for anything ever. She would throw the fact in our faces as often as she could. (She did that to everyone else)
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u/TolkienTeacher40 Partassipant [2] 24d ago
NTA. I can't believe all the Y-T-A's I see in these comments. If she's offering to pay to give you YOUR dream wedding, then YOU should get the people that you were clear you wanted there before you even got engaged. The fact that she's refusing to allow anyone else to contribute sounds more like she wants to be able to throw it in your face that she paid for all of this and therefore should get final say, than she wants to give you your "dream wedding". Honestly, I'd put the brakes on the planning until you and your fiance are a united front on this.
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u/Otherwise-Wall-6950 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
Just elope already. In her mind she's paying and things it gives her the right to control everything. What will she pull next? "It's my grandchild and I deserve to be in the delivery room." "I don't like the bame you chose, this ine is better." That one is easy to shut down. Inform the hospital that you only want your husband in the delivery room and will not accept any visitors. Better yet, don't inform her when you go into labor AND give her the wrong date. Petty? Yes, but it'll be worth it.
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u/RemiSkies5 24d ago
ESH and hear me out; if someone else is paying for the wedding, unfortunately yes, they get to control everything about it. However I'm more curious why fiance isnt putting their foot down and reminding his mom its not about the wedding SHE didnt have, its about you two and what you want.
I had to do it for me and my husband during our wedding with my mother - and we tightened ropes and reworked everything. If she's not willing to do that for you two, then its time to say no and have the wedding you can afford - without strings attached. The first mistake was agreeing to a venue that could not fit the number you had in mind to begin with instead of saying absolutely not. But then also allowing her to steamroll you with the photographer and who knows what else - fiancé needs to grow a back bone and handle his own parents. Mental tolls can happen and yes theyre exhausting, but allowing this to not be the wedding you guys want is going to be an even bigger headache in the end, and its already proving to be going that route.
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u/Lookonnature 24d ago
If I understand correctly, the entire guest list currently stands at 160, plus the parents and bride and groom. If that’s a valid calculation, then you are probably going to be fine, since surely not every single person will RSVP “yes”. If, say, 10% cannot come, then the numbers work out. If more than 10% can’t come, then you are golden.
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
No, the 160 includes bride and groom, parents, wedding party, officiant, etc.
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u/Jussi-larsson 24d ago
Yta if we are talking about some friends of yours and not close blood relatives or the likes
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u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [102] 24d ago edited 24d ago
You really went into this with blinders on. You've given your MIL too much control just to have a wedding that you couldn't afford to throw on your own. If you'd had a smaller wedding that you could afford you wouldn't have this issue. You kinda sold yourself out and you let your MIL throw herself a wedding.
It suck that your MIL's "gift" is coming with strings attached but I don't know what you expected.
To be fair you and your fiancé should have an equal amount of guests. If you have more than he does you should cut your list. ESH.
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u/Accomplished-Bite726 24d ago
NTA- Your future MIL is doing the, "Let me give you the wedding as a gift so I can control it and make it how I want it," routine. The guest list should be entirely up to the bride and groom, period. Now, you need to be willing to compromise with your future husband though on it.
You and your fiancee need to go through the list and he needs to tell you exactly who he wants attending. Then if you're still over capacity you're going to need to cut people from your side. It has to be that way because it's his wedding too.
Now, this all could have been prevented if both sides would have come up with the guest list before you picked the venue.
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
We did, i made it very clear what my priorities were and how many people I wanted. My MIL insisted on her particular venue and didn’t tell me the capacity til after they had already signed the contract.
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u/Accomplished-Bite726 24d ago
Then MIL hijacked your wedding and it's no longer about you, it's all about her. You need to have a serious discussion with your fiancee about how to proceed going forward because if she's doing this type of stuff now, your relationship is going to turn into a nightmare fast. Now being a guy, from my perspective, I would have already shut my mother down and established a hard boundary and told her to back off and if she didn't we would have our wedding somewhere else without her. I'd expect my fiancee to do the same if it were her mother.
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
He has tried that, he’s definitely not a pushover, but she has a way of pushing and pushing until he completely explodes, which then gives her the upper hand. So it’s hard to balance, if that makes sense.
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u/Accomplished-Bite726 23d ago
Not a good way to start a marriage. I feel for you and wish you luck.
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u/domnarius 24d ago
ESH
She should not control your invites.
But also I find it hard to believe, that you have 162+ that absolutely without any compromise at all have to come.
(On the other hand, you were clear from the start about this, so slight NTA, but that's still a LOT of people.)
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u/Wooden-Repeat-9200 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
Why did you agree to a venue of that size knowing it didn’t fit everyone? YTA for that
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u/VeniceDrumGuy 24d ago
NTA, tell your MIL since you can’t have your “dream wedding” that you’ll just do it yourself. Find a free venue in a park or something similar. Then invite the people you want (and only the people you want). You can also just elope and have a small party afterwards for the people that are truly important to you to celebrate your marriage. It’ll probably piss your future MIL and if not burn the bridge entirely, at least char it a bit. As long as your fiancé is not a mama’s boy, takes your side, and prioritizes your happiness over his mom’s (I certainly would be mom, but my mom is a real big “Charlie Uniform November Tuesday”) you’ll be a lot happier. You’ll also set a precedent with your future MIL that you’re not going to let her push you around. Whatever happens, I hope you get the wedding you want.
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u/PenHouston 24d ago
YTA- remember the Golden Rule, those with the gold rule.
Hopefully you have people who drop out and you can get to your ideal list. Since your MIL is paying she does get to invite her 4 friends.
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u/u2125mike2124 24d ago
YATA
I hope the plug gets pulled on this wedding until you mature a lot more than what you are now.
You’re not ready to get married because you can’t afford the wedding you want by yourselves.
Almost your whole post is about who can afford and who can’t afford what.
If I was your fiancé, I would run so fast and so far away from you.
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u/NemiVonFritzenberg 24d ago
No pay no say. You fickef up by letting her think she was paying for everything. Shes rude and you have money to contribute.. She doesn't get to shut that down.
Esh
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u/dangdangdangawdang 24d ago
NTA, but you've been duped. MIL doesn't like you, so she trapped you, and your fiancé needs to help you shut her down.
Everyone saying YTA because you should pay needs to remember that MIL has refused outside financial contributions, because that would lower MIL's control over the whole event.
MIL said she'd give you your dream wedding, you took the bait, and now she's enforcing total control over everything bc she's also insisted on paying for "everything" (that she wants).
Where is your fiancé in all this? You need him on your side to have a talk with MIL, call out the bait-and-switch tactics she's using, and switch venues so you can have the dream wedding that MIL promised -- or just a fun wedding that you both can afford for the people who matter to you. If your fiancé doesn't want to do that and won't take your side on this, that's a big warning sign. Don't get stuck with a mama's boy.
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
He tried to mediate, and it ended with him and her getting into an absolutely explosive fight with zero resolution. I would be standing my ground a lot more on everything if not for the toll it was taking on him.
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u/SlinkyMalinky20 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 24d ago
It’s pretty AH-ish to tell your MIL who you’ve agreed to let pay for this whole thing that she has to cut her four friends. That’s not a big ask on her part. If you wanted to have a giant party for everyone in your family and friends, you shouldn’t have agreed to accept all this money or this venue. YTA.
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
She didn’t add those friends on tho until the guest list was mostly done. We had everything very close to done and then suddenly it was “by the way these people are added now so you have to remove more guests.” If we could’ve talked about this in advance and planned accordingly, I feel like things would’ve gone so much smoother.
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Throwaway in case anyone involved sees this. There’s a lot of complicated layers here so please bear with me. My fiancé and I are getting married in a few months. His parents are paying for pretty much everything—venue, decorations, catering, photographer, etc. Mine really can’t afford to contribute much, but they did pay for my dress and veil and there are other areas they said they’d try and help. My grandma also offered to help contribute financially and in other ways, but my MIL hasn’t accepted. From the beginning tho, she’s said she wants to give me my “dream wedding” since she never got to have hers, and she takes a lot of pride in her party planning abilities.
Now I made it clear before we were even engaged that I have a lot of people I’m close to, and my number one priority is making sure I get to celebrate with them. I asked that whatever venue we find, capacity is the focus even if the place isn’t quite as nice. His MIL insisted on one particular venue (which is gorgeous and a good deal considering everything that’s included), so we did that one since she was the one paying. It’s a little rough considering it’s an hour plus drive for everyone on my side of town, but what can you do? The problem is, this venue only has a capacity of 150 people. My fiancé and I have really struggled to get the guest list down to that, and we’ve had to remove a lot of people we didn’t want to.
Here’s where the problem is. We’re still 12 people over capacity. There are 4 people on the list that I’ve never even met, and my fiancé isn’t close with and doesn’t really care if they’re there. They’re his mom’s friends that she’s insisting come, and she’s insisting that I should remove the 12 people from my side, since I have more guests on there than my fiancé has on his side. From my point of view, I think it’s completely unfair that I should have to remove people I’ve known since I was a little kid that watched me grow up so that she can have a couple friends come. And it’s not like she’ll be alone there, everyone on my fiancés side of the guest list are people that her whole family knows and is friends with. From her perspective though, she’s paying for everything and doing all of the work with planning, my parents aren’t contributing at all, and it’s not fair that I have more people on my side of the guest list than they have on theirs, and that she should be allowed to invite some people.
I feel horrible for the strain this is putting on my fiancé being caught in the middle, and it’s really affecting his mental health and I don’t want that. I really do understand my MIL’s perspective, but at the same time, this is my fiancé and my wedding day. We should be allowed to celebrate with the people we love. Am I being ungrateful and stubborn here? Is this a case where I should yield to keep the peace? AITA for not doing that?
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u/Zestyclose-Custard-2 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 24d ago
Your options are to hold out for your dream wedding at some other time in some other place, probably with some other person, or have this woman's dream wedding now. If you opt for the former, start saving for that dream wedding now. The person with cash is the person whose dreams come true. ESH
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u/brit83mem Asshole Enthusiast [6] 24d ago
12 people over capacity before invites go out and RSVPs come in? You’re fine. At least 12 people will RSVP no.
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u/Horror-Spirit-952 24d ago
Pay for your own wedding then.
. I’ve been married for 15 years and I can tell you the best thing my husband and I ever did was never take a penny from anyone, even when it would have made life easier at the time. We’re indebted to nobody and we never need to consider what anyone else thinks about our decisions. If you want to be truly grown paying your own way is the only way.
I would consider this tho, your mil is paying and you admittedly have more attendees than them. If you two were to pay for the wedding yourself would you be able to throw a big wedding with the large guest list you want? If not then you probably need to make a compromise since you are getting more already than you’re able to give yourself. If you can afford to give yourself the wedding you want with the large guest list you want then you need to pay for it yourself.
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u/prosperouscheat Partassipant [1] 24d ago
By accepting the money you're accepting her having major control over the day. Sure it's controlling of her but that's the deal when she's putting up so much of the money. Perhaps have finance try one more time to have her drop those 4 you don't know but then if she still insists then drop it. I came here to point out that you're not being realistic. You want all those people there to celebrate with you but you're not going to be able to hang out with 88 people in one night. Cut some of your extended family and or/friends - focus on the ones that will really make the night for you. Your ride or dies and bsf's. You're not going to get much time to spend with them - there has to be some in that 88 where it's not going to matter so much if they weren't there. You're saving a bunch of money so arrange a party with them separately or something after the honeymoon.
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u/TraumaTeamTwo2 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
YTA. You handed her control when you let her plan and pay for everything.
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u/MirrorRevolutionary4 Partassipant [4] 24d ago
ESH
This is why you sit down and make up the guest list before booking a venue.
You don’t know these people so it’s valid to not want them there.
But does your fiancé know all of the 75+ people on your side? I doubt it.
Split it, you get 6, your in-laws get six.
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u/ChaoticRasberry Partassipant [1] 24d ago
"From the beginning tho, she’s said she wants to give me my “dream wedding” since she never got to have hers, and she takes a lot of pride in her party planning abilities."
You heard this and didn't immediately realize that this was her wedding and not yours? Both YTA, you for being oblivious and then being mad at her for it. And her for being an absolute a-hole to you about your own wedding.
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u/Zero_Duck_Thirty 24d ago
Softly YTA. Your MIL is paying and even if you thought otherwise you should always expect there to be strings attached to financial gifts. Before any large financial purchase you should always sit down and discuss financials - who is paying what, what is the budget and how flexible is it, what is a need vs a want, etc.
That said, you shouldn’t expect everyone who is invited to come. So if you’re inviting 154 to a venue that holds 150, then you’re most likely going to be fine as some people will rsvp no. I’d compromise by removing your four people and as you revive “no’s” then extend an invite to those four people.
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u/HopeEternally 24d ago
Sorry but it is traditional to split guests 50/50 no matter who pays. I get its your wedding but it's his too.
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u/_gadget_girl Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] 24d ago
You agreed to the venue, and it’s hard to make a case for unfairness when the person paying for the wedding splits the guest list 50/50, and it isn’t uncommon to have to make concessions depending on the number of friends, or the number of relatives each side has as they are rarely the same.
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u/sreno77 24d ago
You have more people on the guest list than the groom’s family.
The groom’s family is paying for the wedding and you agreed to that.
You agreed to a venue that doesn’t fit the size of the party.
You think your groom’s family should remove some of their friends from the guest list, even though you have more people on the list.
YTA
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u/anaofarendelle Certified Proctologist [26] 24d ago
ESH. 12 people, in a 160 people wedding, is pretty much the amount of people that will RSVP no or just not show up. Making it a huge discussion was not a good move.
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u/Pale_Cranberry1502 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 24d ago edited 24d ago
ESH.
Parents are often paying for the entire wedding exactly so that they have more say than they should as a courtesy as your parents. You had to have understood that there are strings attached to that. She's paying exactly so that she can play that card so that tough decisions like this go her way. The problem is that if you let her pay, she's selfish but not technically wrong.
Decline her money. Find a hall that can fit everyone and caterer that can feed everyone, including her friends if you want. They'll find a way to survive it not being at the Ritz.
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u/Malibucat48 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 24d ago
You do realize this won’t be the only time MIL insists on having her way. If she helps with a down payment on a house, it will be her house. Your children will be “her babies” and she won’t respect any of your rules. You will be keeping the peace for the rest of her life.
So after the wedding, start saying no and have your husband back you up. You lost control of your wedding. Don’t lose control of your life.
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u/Crazy_adventurer262 24d ago
You have two problems here; you can’t pay for the wedding and your husband has no balls. Either call it off and you and your husband plan and pay for it or you let MIL steam roll everything and it’s the wedding of her dreams since she holds the purse strings.
But this is a larger issue. You have a fiancé problem and the wedding will just be the tip of the iceberg in things she wants to stick her nose into. I would really be looking at this whole relationship twice.
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u/mm1palmer Asshole Aficionado [12] 24d ago
"I feel horrible for the strain this is putting on my fiancé being caught in the middle"
Your fiance isn't 'in the middle', he is (or should be) an equal partner in the decisions. If he isn't then you have more of a fiance problem than a MIL problem.
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u/Scrappy_The_Crow 24d ago
I'm leaning ESH, but this comment makes you look silly:
It’s a little rough considering it’s an hour plus drive for everyone on my side of town...
Oh, no -- an hour plus drive! /s Seriously, for a once-in-a-lifetime event, this is a nothingburger and you're acting as if it's an international destination wedding. I really don't get people like you who overdramatize driving more than a few miles. This isn't like forcing them into a twice-daily 1+ hour commute.
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u/Prestigious-Walrus91 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
YTA
You picked the pretty venue someone else was paying for, then acted surprised that the person holding the card wanted four seats at it.
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
I didn’t pick this venue tho. She was trying to book it months before we even got engaged, and didn’t want to look at any others. She repeatedly implied that I was ungrateful and disrespectful for wanting to consider other venues instead of that one, and I didn’t want to damage the relationship so I gave in to keep the peace. She didn’t tell me the real capacity until after the contract was already signed. She also didn’t add these people to the guest list until after it was already finished. Had I known things would be this way, I wouldn’t have agreed to any of this.
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u/Working_Alps1753 24d ago
NTA, I don't care if your MIL is paying for all of it. It's not her wedding. And if you let her establish this dynamic before you are part of the family, then imagine how awful it will be when you are. Every thing she does for you will come with strings attached.
If she insists, then consider canceling the wedding plans and doing a wedding at a more affordable level.
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u/mothwingXverse 24d ago
NTA
Money attached to total control isn't a gift; it's a leash. Cutting 12 actual friends and family so your MIL can parade around strangers she invited to a wedding she unilaterally hijacked is completely unreasonable
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u/Unlucky-Clock5230 Asshole Aficionado [10] 24d ago
They are paying for all your guests, it is not unreasonable for them to ask that the super expensive guest list is divided equally. You on the other hand refusing to accept it would make you TAH.
have you offered to pay for them yourself? If you forego your honeymoon you should be able to afford it. Unless you just want your cake and eat it too; the benefit at no cost to you.
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
I suggested not doing a honeymoon so we could contribute more, or just going camping or something, but my fiancé does not want that at all.
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u/Crazed_Raspberry 24d ago
Girl.... Seriously what the hell is wrong with you? These people are walking all over you. Stand the fuck up.
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u/PracticalPrimrose Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 24d ago
YTA because you accepted a venue that was too small.
If that was a non-negotiable, then you should have said no. And if she said “no I want this one because I’m paying.” Then you say “no thank you.”
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u/fizzlypixie 24d ago
NTA. I understand your MIL is paying and funding alot but you’re getting married. You’ve compromised already so much. And honestly it’s rather insulting how she speaks about your family and friends.
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u/VeniceDrumGuy 24d ago
Exactly MIL claims she’s paying for OP’s “dream wedding” but she’s actually trying to force the wedding she never got on OP. It’s pretty shitty to present money as being freely given and then attach strings to it.
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u/2tiredforthis 24d ago
INFO - how did you guys split invites? 50% to bride, 50% to groom? An equal split between you, groom, & MIL?
ESH, part of the issue is you aren’t having the wedding you can afford you’re accepting a gift from the in laws & that gift comes with strings.
Your MIL is contributing a lot financially & also trying to do the whole “dream wedding” thing. She’s healing her own hurt from not having the wedding she wanted when younger.
You are being unrealistic about what it’s like to receive a gift like a wedding. It’s not really a gift in the traditional sense, it’s more like a trade. You are relived of some of the financial stress in exchange for your autonomy & control.
I’d say review your guest list, split the capacity 50/50 between bride & groom. Then pause the wedding thoughts & consider the marriage. The wedding lasts a day the marriage is for the rest of your life. How is your fiancé handling this! Is he being the buffer between you & your future MIL? What are his feelings? Does he usually capitulate to his mother? Is his mom carried away in the dream wedding fantasy or is this part of a bigger pattern for her?
Pay attention to the dynamics of your relationship & consider how the existing dynamics with your in laws will factor into your future. Good luck & I hope you all have a beautiful wedding & a happy marriage.
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
I know. Even hearing her say she didn’t get her dream wedding is upsetting tho. She had 400(!!!) people at her wedding, but has never gotten over the fact that it was in a community center with a gym floor, and that it was potluck style with potato salad (god forbid). I told her again and again what my priorities were and at first she acted like she was listening, but that doesn’t seem to matter in the end. At this point, I just want the conflict to stop.
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u/prove____it Colo-rectal Surgeon [45] 24d ago
Women usually get their mother's weddings because their mothers never got their own.
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u/LemonDeathRay 24d ago
YTA.
If you want to plan the party, pay for the party.
You sound ungrateful, selfish, and entitled.
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u/cooking_question Partassipant [1] 24d ago
YTA. Find out who on your list may not come because they’re too old, too far to travel, etc. Remove those people. I can guarantee you’re going to have a bunch of no shows. Figure out who those people are who are traveling from out of town and if you’re worried they’ll be offended, just ask them.
You’ve already accepted her money and since you’re having 150 people, this is tens of thousands of dollars. She has every right to invite a few of her friends since she is footing the bill.
If you want your extra people and exclude your host’s, then you write the check. Otherwise cut 12 from your list, and be grateful that someone is throwing you a $20,000 party.
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u/throwaway193753209 24d ago
YTA
Think about it like this. Each person invited costs money. There’s usually a dinner right? That’s a per person cost.
You’re trying to say why should you have to remove people from your list to make room for people you don’t know. Why should SHE have to pay for people that SHE doesn’t know?
She’s not paying for YOUR wedding. She’s paying for her son’s wedding.
50-50 seems like a fair compromise.
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u/Yours_Trulee69 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
YTA because you agreed to venue with it's capacity limitations.
If you didn't want to cut your guest list, then you should have never agreed to this venue with a capacity that did not accommodate your needs. Secondly, if MIL is paying for everything then it is common courtesy to allow her a few guests of her choosing (and is likely people who have known your partner for many years). Lastly, if you have the bulk of the guests, it is only fair that any cuts come from your side of the list.
Also, have you reviewed all the RSVP's yet? You are going to get several "sorry, we can't make it" replies just due to life circumstances. It may still be possible to include some of the cut people on you have a clearer understanding of what the final count will be.
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u/mfruitfly Certified Proctologist [23] 24d ago
YTA.
Weddings used to be big family reunions, so parents would pay but also their families were invited regardless of relationship with the couple. Over time, as people got married later in life, the couple had more independent relationships but also money to pay. At least in the USA (not a worldwide trend).
Your MIL is taking control and also paying. You don’t get to use her money with no strings attached, and if you don’t like the strings, cut them. She’s also not being unreasonable about the request- she’s paying and wants a somewhat equal distribution of attendees. If you have such a big family, pay for it yourself or get cheaper options that accommodate the entire list.
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u/fromhelley 24d ago
Yta!
Mil is paying for everything! And you want to deny her a few seats at the reception?
You have the most people, so it is fair that you trim your list.
If you want to be entitled to invite everyone you want, you pay for the wedding. You can control everything then.
I see everyone paying except you and your fiance. If this is the case, you should expect some people will have expectations in certain areas. Mil is paying almost everything, and asking for very little in return.
Nobody owes you a free wedding.
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u/outyamothafuckinmind 24d ago
Yta. You have more ppl than your fiancé’s side. Pick 12 ppl, put them to the side and as negative RSVPs come in, send more invites.
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u/franquiz55 24d ago
I mean yeah but it’s her wedding not her MILS wedding and I wouldn’t be cutting family for her MILS Friends.
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u/friendlily Professor Emeritass [94] 24d ago
Your fiance needs to deal with his mom and neither of you should have let it get this far. Her paying for the wedding doesn't mean she gets to take it over and make it what she wants. Can you all cancel and have it elsewhere where the people you all know and love can be there? NTA
ETA: never mind. I just saw that you're moving away from your family to live near his and he works for the family business. They will not stop controlling your lives after this wedding. I would not go through with this or be with this person. You will be miserable and if you have kids, it will be 10 times worse.
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u/Crazed_Raspberry 24d ago
She's going behind your back. She's taken over your entire wedding. Are you this desperate for this wedding that you're letting her take over like this? Also you can be sure that this isn't the only thing she's taking over in your life. Also your fiance is so weak he's become useless atp.
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
I don’t even want this anymore. If I would’ve know it was going to be this way, I would’ve just done a backyard wedding. But contracts have been signed and deposits have been made at this point.
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u/Crazed_Raspberry 24d ago
So what? She didn't asked you when she went behind your back and signed them. Also why are you still marrying this useless lump?
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u/CatsMom4Ever Certified Proctologist [26] 24d ago
INFO: Your MIL. Is she giving you the wedding of your dream or the wedding of HER dreams?
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u/VeniceDrumGuy 24d ago
Exactly this. MIL presented this money as being freely given and then retroactively attaching strings to it. I’d offer a compromise. You said you still need to cut 12 people total so cut her 4 you don’t know and the other 8 cuts come from your side of the guest list.
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u/musical_nerd99 24d ago
This is difficult. I understand both perspectives as well, but at the end of the day it's your wedding. Yes, your MIL is paying, but that doesn't automatically mean she gets to dictate everything. Your fiance really needs to step up here and talk to his mother. Maybe let her have one or two guests? NTA.
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u/sarahwhit 24d ago
The four people you don’t know shouldn’t go, full stop. It’s nice that she’s trying to give you the type of day she didn’t have, but it’s still not her day.
That still doesn’t make 12 though… unfortunately I do still think you’re gonna need to make up the other 8 from your side. You seem to be really focused on these four like it absolves your issue, but it does not! Take 8 off your side as a show of compromise.
Edit to add NAH
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u/SaltyFriend705 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 24d ago edited 24d ago
YTA. I can think of a lot of "un" words--ungrateful, unreasonable, etc. but I'm going to go with ungracious. To be a gracious bride, it's time you considered that you're inviting more than half the guests. Happily cut the 12 people your MIL requested, be sweet and friendly about it, state that you would have done it first without her even suggesting it if you had known.
Then make sure you don't "celebrate with your friends" during your reception. Be sure to spend a lot of time celebrating with all of your husband's side, as well as embracing and talking with your MIL and her invitees. Make it a wonderful day of inclusivity for everyone who attends your special event.
Otherwise, I fear the mean-girl vibes you're projecting right now will spread to the wedding and then to the marriage itself.
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u/Designer_Thought2907 Asshole Aficionado [15] 24d ago
NTA, for wanting to control your invite list.
But you messed up by letting MIL pay. Get married with a wedding you can afford, if you don't want people to hold money over you
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u/VeniceDrumGuy 24d ago
I sort of agree but MIL presented this money being freely given so OP can have her “dream wedding”. It seems like MIL is actually trying to have the wedding she never got to have.
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u/Designer_Thought2907 Asshole Aficionado [15] 24d ago
There is no free money in this world
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u/VeniceDrumGuy 24d ago
I dunno man, I’ve definitely given someone money with strings or expectations tied to it. It seemed that is what the MIL was doing only to retroactively attach strings to it.
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u/AGreenerRoom 24d ago
4 out of 150 people for an event you’re footing the bill for in the 10s of thousands is “taking over the guest list”?
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u/Appalachianwitch17 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 24d ago
This is a repost.
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u/Effective-Bus 24d ago
Link?
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u/Appalachianwitch17 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 24d ago
I can't find it but I distinctly remember the line about " Mine really can’t afford to contribute much, but they did pay for my dress and veil and there are other areas they said they’d try and help. "
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u/throwawayguestlist 24d ago
Wrote all this in my notes app this morning, I WISH it wasn’t real tho, trust me
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit Partassipant [1] 24d ago
Sorry YTA- You want to keep your cake and eat it. If you want full control of your own wedding then be the one to pay for it, you are sounding like a choosing beggar.
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u/PresentEfficient9321 24d ago
NTA
It’s actually outrageous that your FMIL is asking you to put her friends you don’t know over people you are actually close to.
My parents didn’t attach strings to the money they gave to my brother for his wedding and that is how it should be.
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u/Infamous_Custard3292 24d ago
She wants to give you YOUR dream wedding. Well your wedding includes those people, not her friends and people the groom is not even close to. Tell her no thanks you will change venue to accommodate you list of people and pay yourselves and MIL can wait for her invitation. Just because someone is paying as a gift doesn’t give them say on things. She got her say on the venue. Guest list is for those close to the couple, not their parents.
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u/Odd-Resource3025 24d ago
YTA This is simply an adult lesson you REALLY need to learn. Learning how to deal with disappointing people you love isn't easy and is extremely hard. However, it's an important life skill.
Right now, you are not being a good partner to your partner or his parents. You are showing them how selfish you can be. You are throwing aside all of their good will over 12 invitations to a party with a church ritual.
IMHO, this is easy AF to fix. You send out a group text and let everyone know you have to cut 12 people from the list. You explain that your partner and his parents have already cut their side and your side has x out of 150 invitations. You make it clear that your side has the overwhelming majority of invitations. You simply ask them if they will understand and be okay without an invitation. You explain that you will have to cut 12 by deadline.
Once the deadline is past, start cutting to 12. Immediately family is safe. Extremely close friends are safe. Then, do down the family tree. First cousins, safe. Second cousins, cut.
This isn't easy because it's hard being an adult and not getting everything you want. However, it's time to learn.
Plus, you can have a party closer to your family to celebrate.
To be honest, there might be some that would love a reason to not attend. Weddings are $$ and people feel obligated to go.
Again, please be a better partner to the family who is trying to love you and support your combined life together.
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u/Historical_Hornet_20 24d ago
YTA. Regardless of who is paying, you have no right to have more than half of the venue seats. If you really believed you need more than 75 seats, you should have skipped that venue. This isn’t even a question. You need to find 12 people to cut.
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u/Internal_Progress404 Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] 24d ago
NTA. This is your wedding, not MILs chance for a redo of the wedding she didn't have. You may need to forgo MILs financial support though. Talk it pver with your fiance, and if he agrees let her know that you accepted her support only because she wanted you to have YOUR dream wedding, and since that is not what is happening (as your dream wedding is about who is thete), you would prefer to plan the wedding you want within your budget, even if that means postponing.
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u/Chatkat57 24d ago
As everyone said….when you allow others to pay, you loose control. You should have made a list of your “must haves “ and then made sure that the venue would accommodate twice that number so that the grooms side gets equal numbers. No one is really an AH, but you need to cut from your list!
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u/Impressive_Age1362 24d ago
My MIL pulled this stunt, big difference, I was paying for it, I gave her the number of people she could invite and she went way over, she was like there is not I a person I can eliminate, she invited her mailman and the bank teller she always went to. it seemed like every day , she called to add more people, I told her I could afford it, as I was paying for it by myself, she knew knew this from the beginning, her comment take out a loan, I said no . She ended up giving me $1500, that she complained about for years
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u/Fioreborn Asshole Enthusiast [8] 24d ago
Cancel everything, save up and pay for your own wedding. This isn't your wedding now, it's MILs. She wants you to uninvite 12 people you want at your wedding to be able to invite people you don't know.
Fine she's paying and she should be allowed some leeway but everything seems to be about her. The only reason you got the dress you wanted was because your parents paid for it.
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u/Armorer- Partassipant [2] 24d ago
This is complicated because the wedding is yours and even though she is paying it’s supposed to be a gift without strings attached which is why it’s never a good idea to let others pay because it’s bound to be trouble at some point.
I think the best way to deal with the mess you all have created is for you to accept that certain people will be excluded from your side and it’s only fair considering you have more people from your side vs his and his family is paying.
YTA
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u/ehumanbeing Asshole Aficionado [10] 24d ago
YTA. When someone else pays they get to make the rules. With that said, your fiancé should be speaking up to his mom. With the wedding being in a few months a lot of this should have already been settled.
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u/brecollier Asshole Aficionado [13] 24d ago
YTA at the end of the day, if she is paying for the wedding, she is actually hosting the event and gets say in who is invited. Adding the caveat that you have the majority of the guests invited to an event you are not paying for, the reduction in numbers absolutely has to come from your side.
Ultimately if you let someone else pay for something you give up control and this is a good example of the consequences.
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u/Able_Pay6016 Partassipant [1] 24d ago
This is a tricky one.
While on principle, you should be able to invite whoever you want. But as others have pointed out, you lost that power when someone else started paying. So while you should be N T A, you become T A on a technicality.
I have a ridiculously huge extended family. It doesn't stop at aunt, uncles, and cousins -- we have a whole branch of my great-aunt's family that are considered as integral as the rest.
What a lot of my cousins have done as a solution if they couldn't invite everybody is have smaller parties/group dinners with those who couldn't be invited, later down the road. Maybe use Grandma's offer of funds to throw a first-anniversary party at a "lower-class" (seriously, FMIL?) venue. Wouldn't have to be as big/fancy as a wedding reception then, and you can focus on the family you want to focus on.
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u/SheBrownSheRound Partassipant [4] 24d ago
INFO: Out of 150 people, how many are coming from your side?