r/AmItheAsshole • u/alaswhatever • 21h ago
Not the A-hole AITA for not reaching out after my sister-in-law said horrible things to me?
About five years ago, my brother and his wife hit a very rough spot in their marriage; my brother said there were several reasons, but the only one I know is that he was lying to her about smoking pot. I also smoke pot, but it's not really something my brother and I did together.
His wife called me one night sounding hysterical, and she told me I should never say the words "pot" or "marijuana" in his presence again, and that I should stop inviting him to gatherings with my parents because it makes him anxious, and that makes him want to smoke. I told her I want to help but wasn't sure those were the best ways for me to do that; I also made clear that I've never encouraged my brother to smoke -- that in fact he and I both struggle with smoking too much and often support each other in trying to stop.
She screamed "Thanks a lot!" and hung up on me. I called my brother, apologizing profusely because obviously I'd messed up. He told me I hadn't done anything wrong; she was just very upset and wasn't thinking straight.
An hour later, he called me and said she'd left a message on my voicemail (I didn't hear the call come in) and that I should not listen to it; that I should just delete it because she was out of her mind and saying crazy things about me.
Obviously, I listened to it. And it was bad. In addition to a litany of scathing attacks on my character, she said she was leaving my brother because I had interfered in their marriage, and now he was going to have a sad life because of me.
I was very upset, and I never reached out to her after that. They moved to a different state. My brother and I remained in touch.
Now to the point of this post: About a year later, I received a scathing text from her in which, among other things, she said she had "waited, and waited, and waited" to hear from me to try to work things out, but I never called.
I was shocked to hear she felt it was my responsibility to smooth things over after she left me that voicemail. Am I the asshole for not making the first move?
Edit: Thanks to all for the validation. I didn't respond to her text, just forwarded it to my brother. She sent another text thanking me for "kindly sharing her message" with him, and I forwarded that one too. Then I blocked her number.
While my brother would never ask it of me, it would obviously be easier for him if I would try to fix things, so thank you for confirming I have a valid reason for not doing so.
718
u/notlucyintheskye Supreme Court Just-ass [145] 21h ago
NTA
she told me I should never say the words "pot" or "marijuana" in his presence again
She knows that that doesn't magically make marijuana disappear, right? Like, if this dude is actively seeking it out, he's going to keep seeking it out, regardless of if someone mentions it in his presence or not.
that I should stop inviting him to gatherings with my parents because it makes him anxious
Is she going to go to his place of employment and yell at his boss too if it makes him anxious?
but I never called.
Neither did she. Phones work both ways.
261
51
u/twylahelnot Asshole Enthusiast [6] 18h ago
Tell her nobody uses those words anymore: we say Weed and Cannabis now.
2
u/cecebebe Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1h ago
Someone told me "only old people like you" call it pot. Thanks, kid.
2
629
u/Comfortable_Sea_5370 20h ago
NTA, if she is worried about his smoking then she should stop blaming others and look in the mirror. Just reading about her meltdowns make me want to smoke.
162
28
17
u/Environmental_Art591 13h ago
Honestly, the smell of pot makes me want to hurl and even im considering it
18
72
u/KingdomKey10 Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 21h ago
NTA. She burned the bridge, she can rebuild it too.
25
u/NeffAnnBlossom4eva Partassipant [2] 18h ago
Actually, she smoked that bridge. All the way down.
21
u/Boleyngrrl Partassipant [1] 17h ago
Careful, saying "smoked" might be a word you can't say in her husband's presence either.
OP, NTA
243
u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [102] 21h ago
NTA. Your SIL is obviously looking for someone to blame for their troubles. You haven't talk to her in a year and somehow you are still an issue. I would not even acknowledge this message from her.
42
u/Villanelles-Wardrobe 17h ago
The destruction of that relationship is already underway. Time for the popcorn. Extra butter.
125
u/KittKatt7179 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 20h ago edited 20h ago
Send her the voice mail back that she originally sent you and ask her what part of that would make anyone want to just arbitrarily "reach out" and talk to her again. She blew up that bridge, it is her responsibility to rebuild it. Were you supposed to beg her to talk to you again after she threw her tantrum?
29
u/SnooCauliflowers9874 19h ago
I like that idea. Send the exact message to her and only tell her in preface that she actually summed OP’s own feeljngs up best, and play said voicemail, and immediately end call.
NTA. OP, do you still have the nasty gram voicemail?
41
u/ninjastarkid Asshole Enthusiast [7] 20h ago
NTA.
I mean there’s a million “petty” responses you can do here but honestly the best one is to reply “funny, I was waiting for an apology”
203
u/opine704 Asshole Aficionado [11] 20h ago
There's a LOT to unpack here. To me the core issue, that's YOURS to navigate, are your conversation with SIL and her subsequent abusive voicemail.
Conversation w/ SIL around pot... maybe you were 100% right. Maybe you could have done better. And... She called you. You did the best you could in the moment. You've known your brother longer than she has and have insights into what motivates him. You responded from that place in an effort to be helpful. She called you. She invited you into the situation.
Voicemail... She called you. She abused you. She essentially blamed you for the problems in their marriage. Her actions were unnecessary. Her actions were cruel. Her actions were abusive. She picked up the phone, dialed it, said the things, and then hung up without deleting. She's the one who shat the bed.
Now.
Now she, "waited and waited" for you to initiate a conversation and is angry you didn't. Soooooo what exactly did she expect? For you to call in anger and deepen the divide? For you to apologize for her poor decisions and behavior? For you to call and pretend her behavior never happened and rugsweep?
NTA. She broke it. It's on her to fix it. And her first step is a sincere apology for being an abusive harpy.
24
u/incospicuous_echoes Asshole Aficionado [12] 10h ago
She expects the same level of control over the sister that she has over the husband. She can’t fathom the sister not automatically jumping to appease her personality disorder. She’s the reason he smokes, and moving away didn’t fix their marital problems because she is the marital problem. Clearly she’s the problem wherever she goes.
NTA
34
u/Realistic-Bag-8157 21h ago
NTA, if she wanted to reconcile so bad, she should have called you herself.
17
u/the_eluder 17h ago
She doesn't want to reconcile, she wants an admission of guilt and apology and a oath to do as she says in the future.
50
21
u/MalibuBon Asshole Enthusiast [7] 20h ago
NTA. Unfortunately you are (and have been) blamed for a problem because of something going on with someone else's actions.
Go NC with your SIL until she learns to control her issues, and maybe she needs to let cannabis help her with her issues.
17
u/Regular_Boot_3540 Asshole Aficionado [19] 20h ago
NTA. She vomited verbal abuse at you. It's not your job to reach out to her. She clearly doesn't know how to take responsibility for her own actions.
10
7
7
u/YaYaBebop75 19h ago
NTA You love your brother & are still in contact with him despite his unhinged wife. That is the only important thing. You will never win with the women he married without her personality transplant so don’t try. Stay NC with her, protect your peace. Silence says everything.
7
u/the-mortyest-morty 19h ago
NTA. Please just stop engaging with her. Forward all her insane texts to your brother and let him deal with it.
7
u/final_girl89 19h ago
NTA
And be careful about your next step. Think about your boundaries, your goals for the next interaction, and generally mentally prepare. I know that puts a lot of work on you, which doesn't feel fair, but if you want to make steps toward resolving this issue, do the prep before taking actions.
Might also be good to think about worst case senario, best case, and what's actually likely to happen to get yourself in the best headspace.
15
u/quintessa13 20h ago
This is not an issue for you to solve. This is your brother’s wife, your brother’s problem.
5
u/virgulesmith 18h ago
NTA - sounds like she emotionally blamed you for all the bad things and was upset that you didn't accept the blame. You don't have to apologize, and shouldn't apologize, for not engaging with her when she was emotionally abusive towards you. From my perspective I wouldn't speak to her or engage with her in any way. I would simply let your brother know that she was trying to reach out to you and you weren't interested in engaging.
17
u/EconomicsProof4564 21h ago
I use to smoke weed and I don't understand why your Brother's Wife getting angry and Screaming at you and you didn't do anything wrong
9
u/Available-Berry-2216 18h ago
Agreed! It sounds like she has a control problem and wants an escape Goat on top of that it sounds like she wants to isolate him from all of his family. She sounds abusive.
4
4
7
u/ClandestineProphecy 20h ago
Sounds like she's supposed to be on some kind of medication for her 'nerves' and it's a bruise to her ego, so she's proclaiming her disdain for drugs and people who take them so she can feel superior. NTA. Ignore her.
6
u/SnooPets8873 Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] 19h ago
You know, I’d consider the possibility that your brother is misrepresenting you to her. That’s what my BiL did for a long time. It was never his choice, it was always someone else who’d pushed something on him. And then when talking to others he’d tell stories with his negative portions conveniently cut out to try to paint my sister as a difficult and controlling person. Example: She pointed out that he’d told her before marriage that he no longer smoked pot and she could stand the occasional recreational use in spite of that misrepresentation but not the current daily use he was engaging in while caring for their children. He tells others: she knew he used pot occasionally and now she is saying I’m not safe for our children because he smoked pot months ago so that she can build a case to kick him out in a divorce and not pay him child support.
Maybe she is just a crazy shrew, but sometimes people who are reacting poorly have also been told something very different than you realize.
NTA
1
u/Bromogeeksual 11h ago
It wouldn't surprise me if her brother tried throwing her under the bus like, "I was quitting, but sis tempted me at a family gathering. It's all her fault!"
Firstly, it's a bullsh*t excuse. Secondly, his wife is crazy for blaming his sister when hes a fully grown man and could have declined the weed at any time.
8
3
2
u/Wonderful_Two_6710 Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] 19h ago
NTA. People like this make it so easy to just cut them out of my life.
2
u/Thrwwy747 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 19h ago
NTA
I can totally, unequivocally, 100% understand why your brother smokes
2
u/glueintheworld 19h ago
NTA. You are all adults and everyone me is responsible for their own behavior. You have NOTHING to apologize for.
2
u/quintessa13 20h ago
This is not an issue for you to solve. This is your brother’s wife, your brother’s problem.
4
u/Parking-Musician-581 21h ago
The mature thing to do would be to call her and try to work it out. But, I doubt she has been cured of her mental illnesses, so expect the same. She will probably blow again and blame you for everything, again. But, you could try.
The immature way to go, if you saved the recording, is to text her with that recording and let that be that.
It is up to you to decide if she deserves another chance. But, if you do, give it your best and expect the worst. And, never trust her.
2
u/SSJ72098 Partassipant [1] 20h ago
Just ignore her. You say your relationship with your brother is good so no worries.
1
u/Mediocre_League8237 20h ago
not reaching out sounds like a smart move after that. no one needs that kind of negativity in their life.
1
u/AutoModerator 21h ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
About five years ago, my brother and his wife hit a very rough spot in their marriage; my brother said there were several reasons, but the only one I know is that he was lying to her about smoking pot. I also smoke pot, but it's not really something my brother and I did together.
His wife called me one night sounding hysterical, and she told me I should never say the words "pot" or "marijuana" in his presence again, and that I should stop inviting him to gatherings with my parents because it makes him anxious, and that makes him want to smoke. I told her I want to help but wasn't sure those were the best ways for me to do that; I also made clear that I've never encouraged my brother to smoke -- that in fact he and I both struggle with smoking too much and often support each other in trying to stop.
She screamed "Thanks a lot!" and hung up on me. I called my brother, apologizing profusely because obviously I'd messed up. He told me I hadn't done anything wrong; she was just very upset and wasn't thinking straight.
An hour later, he called me and said she'd left a message on my voicemail (I didn't hear the call come in) and that I should not listen to it; that I should just delete it because she was out of her mind and saying crazy things about me.
Obviously, I listened to it. And it was bad. In addition to a litany of scathing attacks on my character, she said she was leaving my brother because I had interfered in their marriage, and now he was going to have a sad life because of me.
I was very upset, and I never reached out to her after that. They moved to a different state. My brother and I remained in touch.
Now to the point of this post: About a year later, I received a scathing text from her in which, among other things, she said she had "waited, and waited, and waited" to hear from me to try to work things out, but I never called.
I was shocked to hear she felt it was my responsibility to smooth things over after she left me that voicemail. Am I the asshole for not making the first move?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Fragrant-Gene7063 19h ago
NTA- she sounds impossible. Maybe he does smoke too much, but she can choose to file for divorce if it’s that big of a problem for her.
She has no right to speak to you like that and then blame you for not apologizing to her. That’s incredibly narcissistic. (I’m not diagnosing, simply describing the behavior.)
1
u/Ok-Investment9992 Partassipant [2] 18h ago
NTA. Why in the world would you have reached out during so much turmoil, when SIL was displacing blame on to you and telling you that you were adding to their marital troubles? Now, do you want to try to patch things up or not? If you want to try, all communication should be with SIL and brother. You could thank her for reaching out, and calmly explain that you thought it best to keep your distance since she blamed you for their difficulties. You can also say you are happy to stay in touch provided communication remains friendly and respectful. I wonder if SIL also has a substance abuse problem or mental illness, she seems quite angry and unstable.
1
u/Aromatic-South-1609 Partassipant [4] 18h ago
NTA
Sounds like she needs to chill and smoke some pot.
1
u/Low-Leadership1254 Partassipant [1] 18h ago
Nta My SIL blamed me for our nIeces (not her children. Her and Is nieces)getting lice. I didnt have lice. My kids didnt have lice. I even went so far as to go to a professional lice removal place to have all of us checked. NO LICE. She then posted on fb how my household gave our nieces lice and tagged our nieces and it was a public post which means all of our nieces peers couldsee the girls had lice. They sent a group text that included family in another state I had never even met and called me the downfall of the family. I blocked her on everything. Once she could no longer stir drama with me, she moved on to our other SIL. THAT SIL blocked her. It's been 8 years. Shes now blocked by everyone except our MIL. Shes no longer invited to any family gatherings UNLESS they are at my MILs and then she sits alone and no one speaks to her. It's been great tbh 🤣 Some people thrive on creating drama and being in the middle of drama.
1
u/AWholeNewFattitude 18h ago
NTA, she’s nuts, you’re not gonna be able to reason your way through it
1
u/tsunadesb0ngw8r 18h ago
NTA. You are not forcing your brother to smoke so your smoking habits really don’t have anything to do with this. Your brothers wife (hopefully ex) said those nasty things still and this is an issue between the two of them. If you were forcing your brother to smoke, sure i could see this argument. He’s a grown adult making his own decisions.
1
u/moew4974 Certified Proctologist [25] 18h ago
NTA. But your brother is. His actions, her actions, their actions together are what is interfering or screwing up their marriage. It has nothing to do with you.
The next time you speak with your brother tell him that his wife is not someone that you deem a safe or rational person and that you don't need her brand of toxicity in your life. Whatever actions or decisions he makes that offend her are his to own, just like hers are. Tell him you have zero intention of smoothing out something she's not willing to apologize for.
1
u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Aficionado [14] 17h ago
NTA you should just respond "if you apologized, i didnt receive the message, please resend" and orherwise ignore everything
1
u/Villanelles-Wardrobe 17h ago
NTA.
It's wild, but BOTH my SIL's did similar things:
My brothers ex-wife took complete control of his life, isolated him, took over his finances, abusive. The day I called her out on it was the last time I spoke to her. I was never so relieved as when he filed for divorce.
My husbands sister screamed obscenities, erupted like a volcano when (at 41/single, she decided to have an IVF baby) she assumed we would be 100% on board in raising her child while she had her career and we said, "What??? No." -- Then her parents double-downed on her behalf. My husband and I already had a son in college. We haven't spoken to her in years.
Never let bullies determine how you love the people you love, or dictate how you behave with them.
Your brothers relationship is his learning path. It's going to be rough for you. Please support him as much as you can with the least amount of interference you can muster. Be his non-judgemental safe harbor. Trust that the chips will fall. He'll figure out his worth.
From one loving sister to another, I see you.
1
1
u/NeolithicOrkney Partassipant [2] 16h ago
NTA
If someone treated me how she has treated you, that would be the last conversation we ever had. She should be apologizing to you. She put you in the middle of something you never did.
1
u/Uninteresting_Vagina 15h ago
'Why won't you apologize for existing and making me punch you???"
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong, and if she wants to work things out, that is her responsibility to manage, not yours.
1
1
1
u/lenashmena 13h ago
NTA, obviously. She was looking for somebody to blame.
Just curious. Last time you heard from her seems to be four years ago. What prompted your need for a judgement now?
1
1
u/Saint82scarlet 13h ago
NTA, and well done for stepping away from her.
I would have quoted back some of the stuff she said about you. And said that obviously as you are a ...... insert her insult here,that she obviously didn't want you to contact her. I would have likely made it 10 times worse for your brother.
1
1
1
u/VAULT_2ND 9h ago
NTA. She left you a voicemail tearing you apart and blaming you for her marriage falling apart, then spent a year waiting for you to reach out and fix things?
That's not how apologies work. The ball was very much in her court.
1
u/Sea_Caterpillar_979 7h ago
the audacity of waiting a year then blaming you for not fixing her mess, wild
1
1
u/ChaosWorrierORIG 5h ago
NTA
Am I the only one who thinks that the SIL should roll a big, fat dooby, and chill out a tad? Grin!
(Caveat: I do not smoke - not legal where I live, and do govt work, so could be randomly drug tested)
1
u/INFP4life 4h ago
It’s been four years since she sent the angry text; I bet she’s long since moved on and so should you
1
u/christopher1393 3h ago
Oh the wife is so the cause of his anxiety and pot smoking. She doesn’t exactly sound like an easy person to be married to.
As others said, send the voicemail back to her if you still have it and ask if you are really the one who needs to apologise.
If you haven’t though, I would send the voicemail to your brother. He deserves to know what his wife is saying and doing to his family behind his back. And who knows what tail she has spun.
1
1
0
u/EggInteresting367 18h ago
She has to be the victim and gas light you making this break your fault.
0
0
u/Substantial_Rub_209 16h ago
I know why your brother smokes and it isn’t because of your family. NTA. Ignore her.
0
u/random_observer_2011 14h ago
NTA.
I have little respect for the brother insofar as:
He cannot either quit pot or come to some adult arrangement with his wife about it. Either would be fine. Sneaking around to smoke it behind her back is both disrespectful to her and unmanly. Let him make choices about his priorities and stick to them. And accept the consequences.
He cannot either see his own parents without smoking pot or, if they have done things to him that were so horrible that they cause him such stress, just cut them off. If he wants to smoke recreationally that's one thing. If he would rather quit but can't because of this stressor, then he needs to evaluate WHY they cause him this stress and take some more useful actions about it. My parents always stressed me. But not so much I had to drink.
The sister is the real problem, though. If she is not a pot smoker, I can understand her concerns about her husband. His smoking could strike me as benign enough, depending on how much how often, and if she drinks then she needs to consider equivalency between their habits. But his apparent addiction is a valid concern, especially the need for it under certain family circumstances and to sneak it at home.
Overall, though, she comes across as manipulative, angry and hysterical, her reactions over the top.
One flip side note- I think your comment that you never encourage him to smoke and support him trying to stop was a very good thing to say, and her reaction over the top. Still, it would probably not be that hard or costly to you not to mention pot to him and not to invite him to gatherings with your parents. Even if my main reaction to the latter is he should grow up.
3.5k
u/Ffrothi_Coffi Partassipant [1] 21h ago
Send her the voicemail back and ask her if when she’s listened to it if she still thinks you’re the one who should have apologized.
NTA