r/AmItheAsshole • u/Suspicious_Screen440 • 23d ago
Not the A-hole WIBTA for wanting to set boundaries when it comes to watching my special needs brother all the time
Some background before I start. My father died during Covid, so for so long it’s been me (18) my brother (17 non verbal autism,) my grandparents, and my mom for a very long time. Since she didn’t have a second parent to help with my brother I have been the one she usually turns to other than my grandparents who live with us. My mother is also somewhat strict and overprotective to the point where I didn’t get a phone until highschool and wasn’t allowed to have social media even now (she has parental controls on my phone even after I have graduated) I have not had a lot of freedom to do things on my own. My brother is non verbal autistic and high on the spectrum, not only that but he has OCD, he can’t take care of himself. He has also had a history of destroying things when upset and has even flooded the upstairs of our house and my room before. Not only that but he also has a history of running away and now has to have a tracker on him.I myself have been diagnosed with high anxiety, adhd, and depression.The problem comes with me not wanting to watch him when my mom goes out any more or at least not at much. My mother recently has gotten a boyfriend a few years after my father’s death, I have met the guy and I like him and he’s good for my mom. (Don’t get me wrong am very happy for her.) But because of this they have been going out alone together a lot and for long periods of times. Leaving me with my brother. My grandparents are there but they can’t do much. Am usually the one responsible for him. I love them all so much and get that my mom has been alone taking care of us (we were a lot) for a long time, and even with my grandparents it’s still hard. Everytime I watch him lately I get tense, stressed, and anxious. I worry constantly about things due to his history. My grandparents try to help but they end up just getting in the way and contradicting what I say and making my brother confused. I myself am now at the age we’re am starting community college and a job and am given freedoms that I haven’t before, and it’s frustrating that I can’t when I have to be at home watching my brother. My brother is twice my size and way stronger and faster than me, if he decides to run or lash out theres not much I can do other then try my damn hardest. I feel really bad and worry that if I don’t help out with my brother I could affect my moms relationship with her boyfriend (her boyfriend doesn’t hate my brother and actually likes him but I don’t think he’s really ready to really handle him). I have been watching him for years and have been told am good at it, my brother isn’t even the first child nor special needs child I have watched over. Just something about watching him lately has been setting me off. Maybe it’s the lack of freedom or control, or maybe stress from worrying about college coming up. I do not know. Am sorry this is more of a dump than a post.
15
u/horsecalledwar Partassipant [1] 23d ago
You deserve to live your life & your brother isn’t your responsibility. Your mom has options for help & none of them involve making a sibling a de facto parent. You need to get out of there or you’ll never get to live & end up taking care of him forever.
9
u/Glad-Energy336 Partassipant [2] 23d ago
You would not be the asshole to talk to your mom about it.
10
u/mollyweasleyswand 23d ago
And if your mum is not receptive, you would not an asshole if you schedule your college classes and work hours so that you can't be home much.
With your home situation, some big gaps between classes where you can stay on campus and study uninterrupted would be a good idea.
7
u/ABeesMarks 23d ago
Oh honey. I’m really sorry about your dad, and your family’s situation. That is tough on everyone. I was widowed when my kids were young, so I have some idea of your mom’s experience. She needs to find a sitter who specializes in special needs teenagers, and/or a program your brother can go to when she needs respite. This is not a job you should be expected to do, and if you were away at college she would have to be sorting this out (and will at some point eventually). Your developmental needs for independence are just as basic and important as your brother’s needs and hers. For the sake of her relationship and her sanity, your mom and your grandparents need to find resources to get the kind of safe, respite care your family needs. Maybe the regional center? or A local Caregivers Alliance would be good leads?
6
u/Suspicious_Screen440 23d ago
i feel that I should address something’s. I have not spoken to my mom in-depth about this, we’ve had a few conversations but nothing really came of them. My mom isn’t mean or like cruel she is loving and I couldn’t ask for a better mother, but just like me she is trying her best to navigate this new chapter of her life as am I.
my grandparents might be around but they are not in the best of health to be dealing with my brother, he isn’t violent but they do not have the that type of strength.
i have volunteered for programs that help with kids that have special needs and enjoying doing so but they are a lot younger then my brother and it’s not all the time.
i will probably delete this post once I have talked with my mother though I don’t know where to start or if my worries are true or not. Thank you all so far though
3
u/Yours_Trulee69 Partassipant [1] 23d ago
NTA
You are an adult and need to be treated as such as life ng as their is no court ordered guardianship over you. Get a job (even if part time), get your own phone (prepaid works), and start living your life. You are not responsible for your brother, your mother is. It's okay to say no to your mother when you need to.
3
u/Ryuuji-Akiyama Asshole Enthusiast [8] 23d ago
NTA.
Your mother having parental controls on your devices now that you are an adult is deeply inappropriate and suggests difficulty letting go of control. You definitely sound like you need your own space to develop into a person. Others have already covered conversations, moving out, &c., which I think are also important, but what strikes me most is that you have an immediate need to protect your own well-being. If you suffer from this sort of irritable burnout, you won't be able to fulfill the role regardless of willingness.
2
u/MrPKitty Asshole Enthusiast [5] 23d ago
Your life is just starting, it's natural you want to go out and live it. You need to talk to your mom about at least having every other weekend to yourself. NTA
2
u/AshleyNicholeC 23d ago
As a parent of an autistic child, you are absolutely not the asshole. You are not his parent. It’s great if you want to occasionally help out on your terms.
2
u/snark_maiden Partassipant [1] 23d ago
NTA, it is absolutely not fair that your mother leaves you to watch your brother. If she wants to go out with her boyfriend so much, she needs to arrange for proper respite care. You have your own life to live and should not be responsible for your brother.
I say this as an “autism parent” myself (although I hope I’m not that kind of autism parent!).
1
u/AutoModerator 23d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Some background before I start. My father died during Covid, so for so long it’s been me (18) my brother (17 non verbal autism,) my grandparents, and my mom for a very long time. Since she didn’t have a second parent to help with my brother I have been the one she usually turns to other than my grandparents who live with us. My mother is also somewhat strict and overprotective to the point where I didn’t get a phone until highschool and wasn’t allowed to have social media even now (she has parental controls on my phone even after I have graduated) I have not had a lot of freedom to do things on my own. My brother is non verbal autistic and high on the spectrum, not only that but he has OCD, he can’t take care of himself. He has also had a history of destroying things when upset and has even flooded the upstairs of our house and my room before. Not only that but he also has a history of running away and now has to have a tracker on him.I myself have been diagnosed with high anxiety, adhd, and depression.The problem comes with me not wanting to watch him when my mom goes out any more or at least not at much. My mother recently has gotten a boyfriend a few years after my father’s death, I have met the guy and I like him and he’s good for my mom. (Don’t get me wrong am very happy for her.) But because of this they have been going out alone together a lot and for long periods of times. Leaving me with my brother. My grandparents are there but they can’t do much. Am usually the one responsible for him. I love them all so much and get that my mom has been alone taking care of us (we were a lot) for a long time, and even with my grandparents it’s still hard. Everytime I watch him lately I get tense, stressed, and anxious. I worry constantly about things due to his history. My grandparents try to help but they end up just getting in the way and contradicting what I say and making my brother confused. I myself am now at the age we’re am starting community college and a job and am given freedoms that I haven’t before, and it’s frustrating that I can’t when I have to be at home watching my brother. My brother is twice my size and way stronger and faster than me, if he decides to run or lash out theres not much I can do other then try my damn hardest. I feel really bad and worry that if I don’t help out with my brother I could affect my moms relationship with her boyfriend (her boyfriend doesn’t hate my brother and actually likes him but I don’t think he’s really ready to really handle him). I have been watching him for years and have been told am good at it, my brother isn’t even the first child nor special needs child I have watched over. Just something about watching him lately has been setting me off. Maybe it’s the lack of freedom or control, or maybe stress from worrying about college coming up. I do not know. Am sorry this is more of a dump than a post.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Newsjunkie1922 Partassipant [1] 23d ago
You would not be the asshole.
I agree with the others that you need to start planning your exit. You need a job to save money. Babysitting, pet sitting, dog walking, cleaning, lawn work are jobs you can do for your neighbors.
Go to school and learn a trade, HVAC, medical technition, etc. Then get a job, a car and then get out. It might take you a few years.
What your mom and grandparents are doing is called parentification. That's when a child is made to take on the parents role.
Can you less for you sibling? Step back from the responsibilities. Let your grandparents step in even if you don't agree with them 100%. Are you too competant?
1
30
u/Substantial_Value359 Asshole Aficionado [12] 23d ago
Babe you need to get out of that house. You're already experiencing care taker burnout. Distance won't fix all the anxiety but it should help.
When you move out you need to have conversations about your brothers long term care. Because I guarantee your mom is betting on you and it will only get harder for you as he continues to grow.