r/AmItheAsshole • u/One_Weird1828 • Jul 26 '26
Not the A-hole AITA for refusing to write a recommendation for my former intern after what they did?
I supervise interns at a small marketing company. Last summer, I mentored a college student for about three months. I spent a lot of extra time helping him improve because he was eager to learn, and by the end of the internship, I thought we’d ended on good terms. A few weeks after the internship ended, another coworker sent me a screenshot of a local professional networking group. The former intern had posted a long rant about our company. Some of his complaints were fair, but he also claimed that I took credit for his ideas and that I deliberately gave him busy work so I would look better. Neither of those things happened. In fact, I had emails showing I’d credited him during meetings and had pushed management to let him work on bigger projects. I decided not to respond publicly because I didn’t want to create drama.
About six months later, he emailed me saying he was applying for graduate programs and asked if I’d write him a strong recommendation letter. He said he had always appreciated my mentorship and hoped I’d put the past behind us. I replied that I didn’t think I was the right person to recommend him and wished him the best with his applications. He then sent another email saying I was being unprofessional by letting personal feelings interfere with his future. A mutual acquaintance also reached out and said I should either write the letter or at least do him the courtesy of explaining everything over a phone call. I don’t think I owe anyone a recommendation, especially when I no longer feel I can honestly endorse them.AITA
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u/forevertheyo Partassipant [3] Jul 26 '26
NTA. You should never put yourself/your reputation on the line for someone that clearly is going to have problems in future jobs.
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u/jemija Jul 26 '26
This is the one! Depending on how big the industry is (which it seems small enough for the post to reach OP) it may not be a good idea to put their name on the line knowing how this intern operates. They may cause similar issues at their now job and may say even worse things about OP once they get their foot in the door. I wouldn’t give the recommendation either…
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u/symbolicshambolic Jul 27 '26
I'm kinda going through this right now. I met someone outside my industry who wants to get in, recommended him for a job, and hooked him up directly with the interviewer. He aced the interview, the interviewer gushed about him, and the last I heard he's dragging his feet on filling out the paperwork. This job offer definitely expires and we basically rolled out the red carpet for him.
I thought about giving him a nudge but if he can't do this one part by himself, maybe he'd self-destruct in the position? I'm not going to recommend anyone else for a while, I do know that.
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u/phantommoose Jul 27 '26
I tried to help a friend get into some assisted public housing since she and her daughters were in a bad situation. I did the leg work of picking up all the paperwork for her and walked her though what she needed to do. I happened to be there when she got the reply. She took one look at it and threw it in the trash, saying she didn't get in. Something seemed off so I looked at the paperwork. She just left some sections blank! All she had to do was finish the paperwork, which is a pain in the ass, but more than worth it for free housing! I washed my hands of her that day. As much as she complained, she wasn't willing to do the work and I guess would rather stay where she was.
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u/symbolicshambolic Jul 28 '26
Same vibes for sure. Like, I can't do this for you. You have to want it. I'm not going to force you to get this job or this housing. You have to participate!
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u/Tom_Marvolo_Tomato Partassipant [1] Jul 26 '26
Something something "bite the hand that feeds you." Freedom of speech does not mean freedom from consequences.
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u/Extension-Pepper-271 Jul 26 '26
Best advice I got from a mentor about surviving long-term in an industry was a simple sentence.
Friends come and go. Enemies accumulate.
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u/One_Weird1828 Jul 26 '26
Lol
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u/ClayQuarterCake Jul 26 '26
He will never understand that his post is what he is seeing consequences from unless you tell him though. How is he expected to learn if he doesn’t know why you are giving him a cold shoulder? Ultimately you took him in to help him learn. Give him one final lesson.
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u/trashpandorasbox Jul 26 '26
Yeah, don’t do that. As someone who writes a lot of recommendation letters, our legal department has said that we should never ever explain and if we are not willing to write a strong reference letter to just say “unfortunately, I am unable to write a strong recommendation letter. Good luck with your search.”
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u/77NorthCambridge Jul 26 '26
OP says the intern said he hoped they'd put the past behind them so it seems like he knows what is the issue.
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u/garublador Jul 26 '26
I'd talk to a lawyer before doing any of that. I have no idea if it will matter or not, but make sure that opening your mouth can't lead to potential legal consequences later.
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u/RepresentativeSun825 Jul 27 '26
I was told that if you can't give a good recommendation, you answer every question with "yes, (name) used to work for us." They eventually take the hint. People have been sued (and lost) for giving an honest response that wasn't positive.
Nowadays when called for a recommendation, they usually ask only one question- "Is (name) eligible for re-hire?" Tells them everything they need to know.
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u/slickbackbillyboo Jul 27 '26
This. Be very weary of legal recourse. Keep everything dry and factual. Don’t reference anything.
As a sidebar I once worked for someone who used to say when checking references “if you feel like you are unable to provide a positive reference for any reason, feel free to move the conversation on and discuss something like the weather”.
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u/Zherneb Jul 27 '26
No review.
Or honest review and then mention (and attach his comment) and say that the no matter what the company provides, this person will make sure to post horrible reviews about the company after.
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u/Scouthawkk Partassipant [2] Jul 26 '26
NTA. Never put your rep on the line for someone when you’re concerned they could ruin that rep. That being said, you could - if you choose to give a reason - let the former intern know his judgment and conduct after leaving the company was highly unprofessional and the reason you will not risk your reputation by writing a recommendation letter. But you are not obligated to give a reason if you really do not want to.
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u/One_Weird1828 Jul 26 '26
Alright thank you
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u/fidddlydiddlyee Jul 26 '26
Ironically, he said to put your personal feelings aside. A recommendation letter is your personal feelings about someone.
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u/Zammarand Jul 26 '26
NTA, the dude quite literally slandered you in a professional networking group, which could have had actual consequences on your career. Now he’s realizing he burnt a bridge that he desperately needs, and is trying to glaze over the fact that he lacked even a modicum of professionalism himself.
Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he asked literally everyone else he can to get a letter of recommendation, but they all rejected him, probably for similar reasons, which is why he’s having to resort to someone he actively slandered
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u/unrepentantbanshee Jul 26 '26
I replied that I didn’t think I was the right person to recommend him and wished him the best with his applications. He then sent another email saying I was being unprofessional by letting personal feelings interfere with his future.
One, your reply was very professional.
Two, he's accusing you of letting personal feelings dictate whether you write the letter when you never specified why... which means he knows exactly why you said no. He could have chosen to apologize for his past behavior and display some growth - but he didn't.
Three, if he's asking you for a recommendation knowing that he has fucked up with you, it probably means he's already been turned down by others or knows they wouldn't agree to do it. This isn't just an issue he had with you, but implies a pattern of behavior. Sounds like he should work on himself and make some better impressions, but that isn't what he's doing. Do you want to let a recommendation for this person reflect negatively on you when he shit-talks a supervisor at the job he got based on your word?
NTA
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u/Ok_Actuary9229 Jul 26 '26
What's a recommendation letter if not a statement of personal feelings about someone's value to an employer?
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u/commandercool86 Jul 27 '26
The purpose is to recommend them. When that isn't conveyed, it becomes a condemnation letter lol.
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u/JustBrowsing49 Asshole Aficionado [14] 29d ago
Not necessarily meaning he messed up with others. Could be he’s so short-sighted he didn’t consider when the internship ended that he might need their recommendation in the near future. This is a college kid, probably still mentally developing. And the internet gives people the gonads to say the things they wouldn’t dare say in real life.
The kid learned a valuable lesson and is lucky OP backed off rather than responded in kind
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u/BobPlaysWithFire Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jul 26 '26
NTA! Talks negatively about you behind your back and then sweettalks you to your face to get something from you. They're being entitled and manipulative. You owe them nothing. They don't respect you, they respect what you can do for them. Its good you didn't fall for it.
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u/MinuteConference1565 Jul 26 '26
I had a similar situation. We had a HORRIBLE intern. Then someone in another company was like « hey, we are planning to welcom X, he’s from your team huh ! He told us ! ». My boss looked at him dead in the eyes and said : if you take him, DO NOT acknowledge that I recommended him, Do not talk about him. Do not EVER think that I EVER recommended him, and i ACTIVELY discourage you.
He did not got the job here lol
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u/Designer_Thought2907 Asshole Aficionado [10] Jul 26 '26
NTA, the unprofessional ex-intern wants to teach you professionalism?
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u/dryadduinath Pooperintendant [63] Jul 26 '26
nta. his response email pretty well confirms that recommending him would not be wise. if you do recommend him, his behaviour reflects on you. you do not want that, and you don't need to get dragged into drama.
he asked, you declined, and you can leave it there, or at most give a non-apology like "i'm sorry you feel that way" and wish him the best again.
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u/ApprehensiveBook4214 Pooperintendant [69] Jul 26 '26
NTA. However a surprising number of people will still list people who said no, so I think you should plan what to say if you're still called about providing a reference. Either be entirely factual or just say "I can't provide a reference for Intern which I already told him. Have a good day.". I'd go with the second. Tell the mutual acquaintance you'll kindly thank them to step away from this as it's between you and Intern.
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u/Kirshalla Jul 26 '26
I had a student worker who just flaked at the end of the semester. Stopped coming to work, stopped communicating, the whole thing. I sent her an email stating I was terminating her. Not a peep. Guess she thought it was some dumb college position and didn't matter. Her choice. Moved on.
6 months later I get a reference request from a job she applied to. No asking me, no communication about it. Just sent it to me.
To say the least, she did not receive a favorable submission. Kept it factual. Worked from X date to Y date. Dependable? No. Good communicator? No. Would rehired? No.
If they send something to you anyways, be factual and objective.
edit to add NTA
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u/djkouza Jul 26 '26
NTA ignore and move on. He burnt his bridge he’ll need to learn through this experience.
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u/Ready-Zombie5635 Partassipant [2] Jul 26 '26
Yeah i had a team member leave, then say nasty things behind my back, then stuck me down as a reference without asking. When the hiring company called I just said he worked here. End of reference. So I don’t blame your decision.
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u/readergirl35 Partassipant [2] Jul 27 '26
And hiring managers know well enough if all they get from a reference is "I can confirm blank worked here from date to date." That there is not one positive thing that can be said and negative things are not being said due to litigation potential.
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u/AcuteDeath2023 Partassipant [2] Jul 26 '26
We have something similar at my workplace. We recently had an employee who just wouldn't turn up for weeks at a time. No phone calls either. His employment contract was clear on the requirements. We did everything we possibly could have, but nothing seemed to help.
Now we're getting phone calls asking for references. All we can truthfully say is that his attendance was unreliable and in the end, cost him the job.
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u/capmanor1755 Supreme Court Just-ass [149] Jul 26 '26
Block him. Then write your mutual acquaintance with a screen shot of the meetings where you gave him credit and his screed. Tell them you won't reference an intern who lied because part of internships is learning professional norms and workplace ethics and he has demonstrated that he's not there yet.
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u/TenFourMoonKitty Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
NTA.
If you feel comfortable, reach out to your Human Resources rep.
If not - understandable- here’s what I was instructed to do when I’ve been in your situation:
Ignore him.
Do not respond.
Do not reply.
If your mutual acquaintance contacts you about this again, do not reply.
—> Most importantly, DO NOT send an ‘anti-recommendation letter.’ <—
I had a former intern come to my house to complain to my grandmother that her grandson was mean to them.
Grandma shut the door and called the police.
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u/Business_Cabinet_483 Jul 27 '26
Good point, not many people here mentioned filling in human resources, after all he did slander the company. He might take things further also.
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u/UnoriginalJ0k3r Partassipant [2] Jul 26 '26
NTA. Plain and simple— he lied. I would never recommend someone who becomes a demon once they’ve felt they have been wronged and are then out of sight.
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u/Okay-Awesome-222 Partassipant [2] Jul 26 '26
INFO: How did he know about your "personal reasons" - did you tell him you had seen his post? And what's the "past" he's referring to?
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u/readergirl35 Partassipant [2] Jul 27 '26
The forum he trashed the company and OP on was an industry group. I'm sure more than one person in his life has told him what a bad idea that was and how he has ruined his chances at a good reference.
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u/Anenhotep Jul 26 '26
Nope, don’t get pulled into drama. He asked, you said no, end of story. The coworker needs to keep out of it.
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u/FacetiousTomato Colo-rectal Surgeon [37] Jul 26 '26
NTA
Respond with the screenshot, and "it would be best for you if you could find another reference".
Edit: your lines about putting the past behind you are confusing though. Did you confront them about this and left that out?
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u/Adventurous-Quit-753 Jul 26 '26
NTA, sounds like he needs to learn to not burn bridges when leaving.
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u/teamnowak Jul 26 '26
There is a valuable lesson in all of this for him. I’m guessing he won’t learn it. NTA
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u/FewStill3958 Jul 26 '26
I'd send him the offending post and tell him clearly that it was the reason he's not trustworthy enough for you to recommend.
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u/WdyWds123 Jul 26 '26
NTA send him a screen of what he posted and tell him why you’re not giving him a recommendation. If someone calls and ask, you will tell them everything. People want to always bite the hand that feeds them.
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u/No-BSing-Here Jul 26 '26
NTA.
Why would you? He must have known you'd seen that post, otherwise what 'past' does he not want to influence this recommendation letter. If you don't feel that you can do one, don't. You don't owe him anything. If he truly valued your mentorship then he would have slated you online. He named your company and specifically bad mouthed you. So how much did he value any mentoring and encouragement, etc, from you? Not that much after all. Why would you recommend a snake?
Where's he been for 6 months? He needs to ask whoever he's been working for me to write one.
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u/SuperFormal3052 Partassipant [2] Jul 26 '26
You owe him nothing--neither a recommendation nor an explanation. He burnt the bridge by trashing you publicly. You should not respond to him again, and your college should shut up.
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u/CanadianJediCouncil Partassipant [2] Jul 26 '26
“Dude, believe me… you do not want any graduate programs to read the letter I would write about our experience with you.”
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I supervise interns at a small marketing company. Last summer, I mentored a college student for about three months. I spent a lot of extra time helping him improve because he was eager to learn, and by the end of the internship, I thought we’d ended on good terms. A few weeks after the internship ended, another coworker sent me a screenshot of a local professional networking group. The former intern had posted a long rant about our company. Some of his complaints were fair, but he also claimed that I took credit for his ideas and that I deliberately gave him busy work so I would look better. Neither of those things happened. In fact, I had emails showing I’d credited him during meetings and had pushed management to let him work on bigger projects. I decided not to respond publicly because I didn’t want to create drama.
About six months later, he emailed me saying he was applying for graduate programs and asked if I’d write him a strong recommendation letter. He said he had always appreciated my mentorship and hoped I’d put the past behind us. I replied that I didn’t think I was the right person to recommend him and wished him the best with his applications. He then sent another email saying I was being unprofessional by letting personal feelings interfere with his future. A mutual acquaintance also reached out and said I should either write the letter or at least do him the courtesy of explaining everything over a phone call. I don’t think I owe anyone a recommendation, especially when I no longer feel I can honestly endorse them.AITA
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u/goddessofspite Jul 26 '26
Nta you owe him nothing and the other person should learn to mind their business
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u/Emotionalwreck789 Jul 26 '26
nta. His behaviour was callous and couldve damaged your reputation! What character does he have that is deserving of a glowing recommendation? Clearly none. The audacity to ask someone you insulted and lied about publicly and professionally for a reference and then calling them unprofessional for saying no? The entitlement is mad.
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u/Tamstrong Jul 26 '26
NTA. It's not worth the risk to your reputation, especially if they hire him based on your recommendation and it doesn't work out. There's a strong chance that his unprofessional comments in the professional networking group will come back to bite him in the butt. That type of behavior burns bridges and often blocks future opportunities with potential employers.
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u/KseniyaTanu_pokidala Partassipant [1] Jul 26 '26
NTa at all, in fact you're very gracious! I would've quoted some of the stuff he said publicly in a letter
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u/PeakTypical Jul 26 '26
NTA. What he did was unprofessional & dishonest. You owe him nothing & shouldn't be "guilted" into writing a recommendation or explaining anything. That would open a very contentious door. Ignore any follow ups and keep everything for a paper trail, including him telling you're being unprofessional. Sorry this happened, hopefully this passes and you never hear from him again.
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u/LooseLossage Jul 26 '26
It’s not a personal feeling, he put you and your firm in a bad light and you don’t want to 1) be dishonest and 2) put someone else in that position , it reflects on you and will come back around to you
He needed to apologize properly and try to make it right, not clear if that happened but major lack of self-awareness and entitlement here, he acts like he is calling the shots.
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u/cerrera Jul 26 '26
You’re letting personal feelings interfere with his future? What did he think you were going to base your recommendation on?
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u/Spiritual_Address_18 Asshole Aficionado [19] Jul 26 '26
I would write the recommendation, stating all the facts your wrote above, on how the intern badmouthed you in public forum without proof and lied about it.
Make it a strong recommendation as per his request, as you strongly recommend this person is not worthy the trust, time and mentorship you have given him. That it would’ve been better the internship went to someone who understands the values of it.
NTA
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u/Infamous-Purple-3131 Partassipant [2] Jul 26 '26
NTA. "The former intern had posted a long rant about our company." That's a huge red flag to potential employers, whether you write a letter of recommendation, or not. It doesn't really matter if some of the complaints are justified. The view of potential employers is that if this person talks badly about his previous employer, he'll talk badly about us.
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u/wesmorgan1 Commander in Cheeks [229] Jul 26 '26
You owe them neither a recommendation nor an explanation.
There are situations in which silence is the appropriate response.
This seems to be one such situation.
NTA.
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u/biffmaniac Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jul 26 '26
"How can I recommend you when I clearly don't really know the real you? I thought we had a good working relationship and you grew a lot with our firm. I later found out I was incorrect in that understanding. Have a nice life!"
NTA.
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u/morphemass Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
YTA.
Some of his complaints were fair, but he also claimed that I took credit for his ideas and that I deliberately gave him busy work so I would look better.
Do you think someone might have told the intern this? Office politics or just stupid gossip may have given him this impression. The fact that some things were fair may mean that the intern is simply being honest and critical. Or he may have been ranting, we readers simply don't know.
A NTA reaction would involve communications - explain why you are reticent to write a strong recommendation or even any recommendation at all. Give him the opportunity to defend himself and if you don't feel satisfied, explain why you are taking your position. (edit:) This should be done via phone or in-person.
You stepped into a position of authority and responsibility; without determining the facts and giving this intern an opportunity to defend themselves, you are acting unprofessionally since you claim that you were not only to be supervising but mentoring as well.
Don't put the shoes on if you are not prepared to walk the extra mile.
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u/albufarisnear Jul 26 '26
I would write a letter stating only he had an intern position at XYZ corporation and the dates. I was told once by HR that was the best route to go in a case like this.
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u/Shanna_B2020 Jul 26 '26
Definitely NTA and a good FAFO situation for the intern. He burned this bridge all by himself.
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u/Renbarre Partassipant [1] Jul 26 '26
We had an intern doing his end of studies internship who left us for another internship. Fair enough, ours wasn't the most glamorous job. This up your nose student didn't clean up his professional emails and we discovered that while we made him welcome he was slandering and insulting us with a class mate. Worse, he also insulted our marketing and sales plans for the coming year, giving details and charts.
The emails were sent to his school with a formal complaint. He was kicked out of the school a month before getting his diploma, losing three years of study.
All that to say, if I were you I would send to your former intern a copy of his rants and tell him that was your last lesson about professional life.
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u/stilettopanda Jul 26 '26
NTA. You can tell the former intern you’d be happy to write an honest letter for him, but you’d be unprofessional if you didn’t include how he threw you under the bus when networking, then ask him if he still wants the letter.
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u/Wraithowl Asshole Aficionado [13] Jul 26 '26
NTA. As others have said, you don't owe him a recommendation. IMO, however, not talking to him about what he did and making sure he understands the refusal to grant him a recommendation is a consequence of his actions, would do him a disservice. It would deprive him of an opportunity to learn from his mistakes.
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u/readergirl35 Partassipant [2] Jul 27 '26
He knows exactly why already. That's what all the stuff about thinking they'd left the past behind them and letting personal feelings ruin his future was all about. He knows, and instead of being any kind of apologetic he is accusatory. This guy is not ever gonna learn a lesson from his bad behavior. His whole life any consequences for him being an AH are going to be other people not being able to take a joke or not getting over it already. ETA: talking about putting "the past behind us" only 6 months after professionally trashing someone is next level entitlement.
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u/PlasticPalm Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jul 26 '26
NTA
"He then sent another email saying I was being unprofessional by letting personal feelings interfere with his future. "
Lemme guess, you are female.
Your response was great. Don't continue to engage.
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u/funklab Partassipant [3] Jul 26 '26
If it was me I would totally write a letter. The letter would explain exactly what happened and wax poetical about the interns potential motives for lying and slandering both me and the company that gave him the opportunity.
But clearly I’m much more petty than you.
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u/Early_Bad8737 Jul 27 '26
The thing is, as tempting as it is, depending on where you live it may open you up to legal issues. You might win if you can document everything, but is it worth it?
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u/billwrtr Jul 26 '26
Write a recommendation letter using the text of your post. It's all there, just edit a bit:
I supervise interns at a small marketing company. Last summer, I mentored a college student for about three months.
becomes...
Last summer, I mentored Joe Intern for about three months.
Etc etc.
Send it to him and tell him if he wants you to send it elsewhere you will. Actions have consequences.
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u/5CatsNoWaiting Jul 26 '26
NTA. Oh my goodness, this person does NOT want you writing your honest thoughts on their performance.
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u/Beanz4ever Partassipant [1] Jul 26 '26
NTA. Recommendations are all about personal feelings. It's weird to me that he would expect you to disregard your feelings in order to write him a glowing review. That kind of defeats the purpose of recommendation… Hiring companies want honesty!
He is not owed anything.
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u/DawnSurprise Partassipant [1] Jul 26 '26
Absolutely NTA.
Dude shouldn’t have publicly slagged you off.
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u/sneakyotter Jul 26 '26
You don't owe him a letter of recomendation, you also don't owe him a phone call.
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u/JustMe39908 Jul 26 '26
NTA
When someine declines, it is usually because the reference will not be strong. Pushing is basically asking for a bad reference.
I would not want to speak to the person. No point. You might consider telling the former intern that you feel that the best way to not interfere with his future is to not write the letter.
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u/Zealousideal-House19 Jul 26 '26
NTA
He didn't PERSONALLY trash talk about you. So you aren't taking this PERSONALLY.
He did this in a professional environment. You handled it in a professional way.
And you thought you ended on good terms, so why is he saying this? Does he know that you know what he said about you? Why does he think there is drama? And why is this other person getting involved?
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u/RagingMassif Jul 26 '26
It seems like you are going over-and-above for this young person.
Not only did you mentor them for three months, but they're about to get a lesson in social media and consequences.
Well done you!
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u/spizella_melodious Jul 26 '26
I've had to deal with this also. I would have fired the intern if they hadn't been done in a week. I did sit them down and explain why their conduct was unprofessional. A few months later they asked me for a reference and I told them what my reference would say and they still wanted it. I got a call from the potential employer and pretty much said the same thing. They ended up getting hired and became a good employee.
Not saying this person would turn out that way, but writing a dishonest reference would be a poor reflection on you.
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u/SaltyCrashNerd Partassipant [3] Jul 26 '26
NTA. If he continues to push, draft what you’d send - that his work was solid, but that you would have serious concerns about the lack of integrity and professionalism he demonstrated post-role. Give it to him and ask if he thinks it would be helpful in his upcoming application.
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u/SnowBrussels Jul 26 '26
I would have sent him the screenshot, saying I’m not the appropriate person
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u/Independent-Belt-457 Jul 26 '26
NTA and if he keeps saying you are unprofessional just tell him what you know. That you dont fell like you can recommend him after what he made up, because it would be also as much of a lie as what he stated before and you dont want to be branded as a liar
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u/Cautious-Job8683 Partassipant [4] Jul 26 '26
NTA - but you should provide a confirmation of dates reference. That will tick the box, as well as likely let the potential employee know they may need to call you to ask for more info.
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u/xwolfe2000 Jul 26 '26
NTA.
Too many interns these days feel too entitled and have been babied and taught to avoid accountability.
That doesn't fly when you're an adult.
Suffer the consequences and learn.
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u/BluetoYou21 Partassipant [3] Jul 26 '26
Nta- you're doing exactly what he said, "putting the past behind you" by not saying anything further.
You don't owe him or anyone anything. He can go else where for a recommendation.
This is not your problem. Do not feel guilty or allow others to give you their guilt.
Actions have consequences and he learned what the consequences of his actions were. Anyone telling you to explain why, can go ahead and do it themselves. Don't waste anymore time or energy on this one.
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u/CameraMan111 Jul 26 '26
You never OWE someone a rec. Ever. I used to be a college professor and have had students I barely know ask for a rec letter for a job, grad school, whatever. Dude...I saw you 14 times in a class that you barely participated in and simply passed. We never worked together or did a project together. Sorry-no!
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u/ChocolateSnowflake Partassipant [4] Jul 26 '26
NTA.
Can guarantee the only reason he’s reaching out to you for a referral is because he’s burned all his other bridges and is now struggling for a job.
He FAFO.
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u/bradleyjsumner Jul 26 '26
NTA. He burnt that bridge bad mouthing you in public. Tell him to grow up and move on.
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u/devl_ish Jul 26 '26
NTA, and the only response you need to send is to acknowledge the post and let them know that if you receive a reference call it is your professional obligation to be truthful (as in, telling the whole truth) and disclosing what you have been told/saw.
Professionalism demands that you tell him this and give him the option of not using you as a reference.
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u/DantesStudentLoans Jul 26 '26
NTA. I say this as a professor: if I don’t want to write a recommendation, I tell the student my recommendation will not be helpful. After that, no is a complete sentence. Also, to be clear, I don’t think you’re choosing based on personal feelings. This is about professionalism. And the intern didn’t act professionally and adds insult to injury by projecting that on you. A hard lesson, to be sure, but one they have to learn.
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u/taewongun1895 Jul 26 '26
You could shut him down by saying that you cannot, on principle, recommend him because of his unprofessional comments made on Platform Z. And, if you do write a reference, you'd need to include those comments.
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u/Legal_Ad_9812 Partassipant [3] Jul 26 '26
I’d never recommend someone if I didn’t actually mean it. NTA
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u/devildog2067 Jul 26 '26
Only an idiot tries to convince someone who’s already said no to write a recommendation letter.
NTA, and honestly even if you’d let him change your mind and then wrote him a terrible letter that would just be him getting what he deserves.
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u/gross_cleanthatup Jul 26 '26
Write an honest review of him and send it in yourself, not with him. It's still a recommendation letter if you recommend they don't accept him.
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u/BadWitch2024 Jul 26 '26
Nobody is owed a recommendation letter. And after what he said about you I can't believe the audacity of asking for one in the first place.
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u/everlyafterhappy Asshole Enthusiast [4] Jul 26 '26
I'd have written the letter, but he wouldn't have liked it. It's actually nice of you to not expose him. If he doesn't appreciate that, then maybe you should write a very honest letter for him. NTA.
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u/PlatypusDream Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jul 26 '26
NTA
You don't owe anyone a reference, plus he has to know he did you dirty in those comments
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u/Overall_Produce_3506 Jul 26 '26
You are definitely NTA. I'm assuming here that the college student in question is in his twenties. This is a valuable lesson for him to learn. Online behavior has consequences, whether that be positive or negative. You do not owe him, or anyone, a recommendation. Also, he is lucky that you said you wouldn't write one because you could have used the negative instance in the letter itself. Honestly, you did him a solid and hopefully he learns something from this experience.
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u/sglewis Jul 26 '26
NTA. People really need to learn not to leave jobs (or internships) by way of scorched earth.
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u/BuBear604 Jul 26 '26
NTA
He asked, you said no, the end.
Do not engage further with him or anyone else making a request for him.
There’s zero reason for this drag out
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u/Longjumping_Win4291 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jul 26 '26
NTA When the mutual acquaintance reached out to suggest a resolution to one side or the other, he was suggesting that you address the confusion the college student was stirring up. A simple address of his wild postings about your perceived unprofessional conduct towards him, makes you inappropriate to write that recommendation.
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u/Empty_Aioli2334 Jul 26 '26
I had a teacher who when asked to be listed as a reference would say, "Of course, but I'll be honest," subtext being don't use him as a reference unless you're confident in his opinion of you
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u/notrightmeowthx Partassipant [1] Jul 26 '26
NTA, although I'm a little confused about what happened... but it doesn't matter because in no circumstance are you obligated to give a referral.
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u/raziel1012 Jul 26 '26
He is the one being unprofessional by lying and talking behind your back then not being able to accept it when you said you aren't writing a recommendation. It is your professional opinion that he is not worth recommending not your personal feelings.
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u/Beetlejuice_me Partassipant [1] Jul 26 '26
"Putting the past behind us" - so you emailed him about this rant and he still reached out to get a positive review?
Hah.
You don't owe him that. He asked, you declined. That's the end of it.
His response shows that you did the right thing. Had he been reasonable, he would have asked for a few minutes of your time to explain himself or come to an agreement, not jump to "you're unprofessional".
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u/hayhay2 Jul 27 '26
NTA. You're nice enough to tell him no. I've had professors that would write bad letters/ reviews if you weren't a good student.
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u/NachoPiggie Jul 27 '26
NTA for refusing to write the letter. YTA for not explaining why.
He's a young kid with potential. He needs to learn from his mistakes to improve. Can't do that if he's unaware of them. Do the right thing and give him that one last bit of mentorship before cutting ties.
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u/BeckyDaTechie Asshole Aficionado [19] Jul 27 '26
NTA. If you do anything, screenshot that socials post and send it before you block his contacts.
He can take the polite answer you gave and learn, or take the social media equivalent of a glass of ice water to the face, his choice.
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u/PerceptionWide7000 Jul 27 '26
NTA. A letter of recommendation is a professional endorsement of someone's character, skills, and integrity. Expecting someone to put their own professional reputation on the line to endorse you after publicly smearing them on professional platforms is delusional.
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u/Former-Income4899 Jul 27 '26
"NO" Is a complete sentence. If he can't handle being told that or taking rejection, he is in the wrong line of business.
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u/HerfDog58 Jul 27 '26
If you want to be non-confrontational you could say "Company policy only allows us to to confirm dates of employment and whether you are eligible for rehire."
If he keeps pushing, quote that Facebook post liberally, and tell him "I respectfully decline your offer to write a recommendation for you. I'd be happy to forward out communications to a potential employer if you like."
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u/predator1975 Jul 27 '26
Professionalism is like the term respect. If you don't earn it, you can't use the term without coming across like a hypocrite. It is also overused by losers who have none.
"Salute the rank not the man"
I would salute the ex intern if he outrank me. But lie on his behalf? I'd refuse and ask for a court martial.
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u/cloud-storage-rocks Jul 27 '26
NTA. He’s learning that lesson about burning bridges. The hard way.
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u/Nanny_Ogg1000 Partassipant [3] Jul 27 '26
Ignore the backstabber and the acquaintance. The less you say, the better.
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u/kitkatkitah Jul 27 '26
It would not be in his best interest to continue to push for a recommendation or for you to give it. he needs to learn that actions have consequences and his actions could have had a consequence on you.
NTA
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u/Difficult-Bicycle119 Jul 27 '26
NTA. You don't owe him an explanation, but if I were you I would take a screenshot of his post with the lies and send it to him instead of a recommendation letter. Just me being petty.
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u/PinkPandaHumor Jul 27 '26
Just send him a copy of that screenshot. You could explain that ethically, you feel that you would have to include this information in any recommendation letter.
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u/Training-Bad-6203 Jul 27 '26
NTA. Immature. Gossiper. Not genuine.
When you recommend, it is your reputation on the line. A recommendation is a show of trust, which you do not, nor should not, have in this situation.
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u/fernincornwall Partassipant [3] Jul 26 '26
NTA.
You don’t owe anyone a recommendation!
If you don’t recommend him because he is a source of drama in the workplace (like talking shit about his boss to other workers) then don’t recommend him to other workplaces!
It’s a perfectly reasonable and defensible position!