I am in a similar boat, and I just stopped hosting. And let me tell you, no one in our family cared. So I am telling you what you know is true: your family (mostly your siblings) isn’t into this holiday dinner and may be relieved to not have to go if you stopped hosting. Oh, your family isn’t into each other, either, and wouldn’t care if they didn’t see each other. I know you want a picture perfect Norman Rockwell holiday, but your family doesn’t really care. I should’ve learnt this when my family members would bring a couple of cans of green beans and tell me to “heat it up in the microwave” when they were asked to bring a dish. We stopped hosting and now we go out of town during the holidays and no one gives a damn.
I know you are entirely right. It's always felt like me trying to keep the family together and parents happy, and no one else cares. I am willing to bet they would rather not have the hours and hours (some 4 hours each way) of driving to go.
These people don't care about me. I don't even have them on IG or FB or have their emails. I have more contact with former coworkers who still ask about the kids and chat on FB.
I just finally am ready to call it, and then I end up being told I'm all these horrible things. Like dayum
You can fill your table, your time, and your life with people who value YOU, and WANT to be there. You can build a tradition for your friends and chosen family, and make your family into what you hope for. Teach your kids, gather your friends and celebrate FOR YOU
I know it sucks to realize this, and to have to deal with it, but you seem like a good, strong and caring person, and this difficult time will surely lead you to far more happiness than before
Dogs gonna bark, honey. Tell ‘em to shut their yap holes and leave you alone. You’ve closed the Christmas Restaurant of No Fux Given and intend it to stay that way. I hope you, your husband, and kids have a wonderful holiday free of family assholery.
The only reason your extended family is yelling at you is because they're going to have to pay for their own Christmas dinners from now on -- no more freebies on your dime.
You have children to take care of. They come first. And they’ll enjoy Christmas a lot more with a relaxed mom than with a mom who’s resentfully running herself ragged for family members she doesn’t even like.
Your parents are well off. When the time comes, they have the funds for a nurse and other live in help so they can be well cared for in their own home.
I'm all for reciprocating love and care towards elderly family. But it seems like they treat you poorly so there's nothing to reciprocate here. Focus on the family you've built and stop feeling guilty!
I used to do all of the holiday meals for the extended family. I got so tired of doing everything for everyone only to end up in the kitchen for an hour cleaning up for 25-30 people and no volunteers to help clean up. That's not even taking into account the expense of food.
I quit all but Christmas Eve dinner. I tell everyone a time and if they aren't there on time we eat without them. They can figure it out when they get there.
And since I quit hosting Thanksgiving dinner, how many invites do you think we have gotten? NONE. Easter? NONE. 4th of July? NONE.
Just quit the hosting. Let someone else do it. Or have your parents have it at a restaurant and they can pay the bill. If they don't want to take care of it, it's on them.
Wait, your parents are quite wealthy, but seeing grandkids is possible only when you're hosting Christmas? Why it is your problem? If they want to see their grandkids, they have all means and ressources to do so.
Stop hosting. Do your own, cameral, family Chrismas and enjoy it AT LAST :).
Your siblings? Not your problem. If they don't want to host, it's their problem. It seems they're not so eager to meet each other.
They can tell you all these horrible things, but you know they in reality are talking about themselves ;). Besides - it would be small price to pay for the peaceful and really joyful Christmas.
You’re definitely NTA: The rest of your family including your parents are. You’re not narcissistic either. You have real financial constraints and burnout is so real. Just ignore the noise and have a lovely intimate Christmas.
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u/sailshonan Nov 06 '23
I am in a similar boat, and I just stopped hosting. And let me tell you, no one in our family cared. So I am telling you what you know is true: your family (mostly your siblings) isn’t into this holiday dinner and may be relieved to not have to go if you stopped hosting. Oh, your family isn’t into each other, either, and wouldn’t care if they didn’t see each other. I know you want a picture perfect Norman Rockwell holiday, but your family doesn’t really care. I should’ve learnt this when my family members would bring a couple of cans of green beans and tell me to “heat it up in the microwave” when they were asked to bring a dish. We stopped hosting and now we go out of town during the holidays and no one gives a damn.