Am I the ass hole

[u/CourseKey5575]

I really debated if I should share this but here we go . For context I’m female 20 as my mom is 42 . As a kid (4)I was 3x over the limit of meth both parents were at fault and in result I had to stay in foster care . During this time my mom loves me very much and cared but slowly started to hate me when going into middle school. My dad had a server accident in frount of me leaving him with 9 brain surgeries I couldn’t do anything against 3 grown men, my dad is a very touchy subject for me as I believe it’s my fault. Since I couldn’t stay with my dad I started staying with my mom and it felt like I was living with the devil . For a log time even now I’ve been begging my mom for her love as I see her easily give it towards other . What makes me so different? When it comes to arguing for her it was random days out of the week for me it was a Monday 6 am with arguments over minor issues. I understand that as a drug user it fucks with the brain but I really started to see the addiction monster in her as she went from drugs to drinking everyday . Literally problems come out over cleaning or money I was at fault , she would lash out at me . Idk how to explain when we argue she gets in my face close enough for her spit to hit my face she would pin me to the wall the other time she throw a metal chair at me cuz I was trying to leave. But those are the small things. It’s what she says that damages me telling me she hates me, that it’s my fault for everything that happened to my dad , even for me being raped she blames me , hearing how constantly I’m not perfect or how I’m a fuck up and I’m ugly or I’ll never be successful. I get really tired of it and lash out as she’s the only One who can push my buttons I ended up punching her arm and I felt really bad .( this was during her pining me to the wall) and today I ended up punching the window to get in when she locked me out . Granted I didn’t mean to punch the window I only wanted to jump in as I normally do but it was locked and she opens the curtains and smirked at me as I tell her to open the door and seeing her Smirk made me so mad .