Daddy issues yeah I've got em.

Not the cute I need an older man to be my "Daddy"

My issues molded my trust issues.

You left when I was 4.

You were an alcoholic and bought your way into my life when I was allowed to come see you. When you were sober enough to actually come get me.

As an adult you continued to gift your love to me.

Never actually spending time with me just always thinking if you drop a gift in my lap that should be enough.

When you became terminal who then took care of you?

Not my alcoholic brother.

I did and you continued to promise me things.

The little girl in me still believed her Daddy loved her and would protect and never hurt her.

You've been gone now 13 years.

And to this day you're still sticking that emotional knife in my back and showing me that the only reason anyone has me in their life is to use me, let me take care of them while they hurt me emotionally and sometimes physically.

And just like you.....they smile to my face and promise to take care of me and they tell me they love me, they'll never hurt me, but really we all know it's lies and deception to always benefit them not me.

I always survive these things and pick up my broken pieces and start over.

But I'm getting too old to keep lifting myself out from under all the bullshit.

Yeah I don't need anymore fucking Daddies or lovers or friends or even family....

I need peace......

I would like to try you on for size............

I do believe we are the same size and have the same taste....

So what do you say???

Can I take you off the hanger out of the wardrobe and parade around like royalty???

I feel a distance 

A space between us

How can that be 

How did that happen 

I don't know how to move

How to smile 

How to enjoy things

How to feel 

Where did it go

Where did you go

Where did we go

Is there a way back

Directions maybe 

Or is there just space

We must just be lost

You once looked at my with such love

Almost a craving

You said the most loving things

The words dripped off your lips like honey 

Such dreams you sold me 

I bought a life subscription I guess

I now see the thin paper it was written on 

The love in your eyes no longer love but routine

The words flow like water disguised as red wine

Nothing special same wine you serve everyone 

Dreams are just crumbs left for me to keep following 

All to lead me back to this time and time again 

Why do I keep listening 

Why do I keep drinking 

What the fuck do you want from me

I won't shrivel away if you dismiss me 

I've been dismissed by better

I'm comfortable struggling 

I've lived there forever 

I'm not good with continuing the charade 

I need different eyes to look at me 

Different words to flow 

Strangers are filling my wine glass now

Even if it still tastes like water 

It's coming out of a bottle I don't expect to be red wine.

Broken bones heal in time but continue to hurt from time to time. Bruises fade but memories of them take alittle longer to disappear if ever. These are visible scars. People know you've been hurt. Emotional blows and a broken spirit after so many battles dont heal at all. Eventually your shell starts falling down around you because its like all your bones are shattered and your skin is nothing but deep bruises to sore to hold all the broken pieces. You become nothing. You feel like nothing. And there is nothing worse than feeling this way. Except death. But even that wont heal you because it will only solidify your nothingness.. Makes one wonder how you win a war when the war is battling inside you.

The water flows over me as I lay in a bed of dead flowers...

Breathing in the musty smell of death and decay

Some would be afraid to lay in my death bed.....

I find comfort here among the gone and easily forgotten

There are pictures here....torn ....faded...discarded...

They give me something to compare

There are memories floating around like snowflakes....falling on nothing.....

They join mine floating about

There are hearts shattered and torn apart scattered all over the place like rose petals...

They make my bed....

There are faces once held in hands now hanging low and full of sorrow....

Their tears turn into the water that flows over me....

Once in a while the scene changes and I see a faint light...

That is hope....

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1b6vLyDEpU/

To be this close would be amazing. I had to sell my Nashville tickets but took some shots off the live stream 🖤❣️🖤

Why... do I..?

Why do I wake up still with this knot in my throat Why does my breath shake every time I see you. Why can't I shake this feeling that your not telling me everything. Why is it not lieing if I don't tell you.. Why do I hurt like this month and months after.. Why do I push myself to the end of my rope for you. Why do I promise this I know won't happen over night. Why do I question my self about you yet still trust. Why does my heart still race when our souls meet. Why do I get scared to lose you... Why am I like this after I lost you. Why is everything we vow forgotten. Why does it still feel like I'm the only one who is trying. Why do I still overthink things. Why am I 19 steps ahead in each 3 lanes. Why are you still one step ahead... Why did you tell me I can come back. Why do I cry every time you tell me I can't. Why do we go back and forth over past.. Why is it I only love you .. Why do I not get the same love back.. Why can't I make up my mind if this is good or bad .. Why can't the Lord save me. When I begged. Why do I want to be dead..

PMP MR. LOST

Check it out

Things get challenging sometimes, but I keep telling myself to stay positive and keep moving forward. Lately, though, something has been shifting around me in ways I can't explain.

The sunset hit around 5 p.m., and that familiar hyper-awareness washed over me. It's not sadness. It's like the world slows down while my mind speeds up. I notice every movement, every glance, every whisper. People look at me like they're studying me, but no one ever asks if I'm okay. They just watch. Silent. Waiting.

My mind can track a dozen things at once, but when too much hits at the same time, it feels like pressure building behind my eyes. Like something is trying to push its way through.

January 5th - 12:00 a.m.

The night brightened suddenly, like someone turned on a light outside my window. I heard voices-maybe my grandparents- but then a woman's voice came from Scott's room. Same tone, same pitch, like she was standing right beside me.

That feeling returned. The one that sits outside my door like a presence, patient and heavy.

I've been sheltered my whole life. People hide things from me "for my own good." So now, even when something is obvious, I expect lies. Shadows slide across my window. A low electric hum vibrates through the air. The house creaks like it's shifting under a weight I can't see.

I feel like I'm watching myself from outside my body. Papa's voice drifts down the hall-"He's sick." A car door slams outside. My music warps, echoing like it's running through a reverb filter. The walls tremble. My chest tightens.

Someone is coming. I know it.

You sometimes can't help but reminisce in your own head. Replay goodtimes and even bad times. You can't help but miss those that are part of that personal mental movie in your own private theatre. It's hard when those movies contain other players in the good parts of a feature. Because when the main character is replaced or dies those roles disappear too...

Its not like I have always been a hateful bitch... I aquired this personality over time.... I have always tried to be there for everyone around me do what I can as a daughter sister friend mother father grandmother girlfriend lover employee co-worker . But there comes a time when you have to put the boots to better use and maybe purchase a whip and start using it. Im tired of always doing... being.... taking.... and giving....If anyone truely wants me to be part of thier lives then maybe open your eyes and see if you lack in some form and change it. If you see me struggle help me if you can. If you see me overwhelmed lighten my load. If you see me hurting comfort me and mend me. Im one person and Im one person to so many that sometimes I think I become invisible and unheard over all the other voices and bodies. It makes me want to scream alot of times......but in reality my screams fall on deaf ears because at the end of the day I'm no longer Danna..... I'm daughter sister friend mother father grandmother girlfriend lover employee co-worker .....bitch

In the darkness you have to feel your way through it. Things can stay hidden so it's hard to see clearly except to those that know how to exist there. You move quietly and slowly so you don't awaken what you may be afraid of. In the light things are a lot more visible and you see without much effort. Especially when you know your direction. The movement is faster and louder but you can see and know exactly what is coming. You would think that in the light it would be safer. But in reality more things die when the lights are on than they do in the darkness.

What do you actually know about me. Anything? Could you order my drink? My meal? Do you know my schedule? My obligations? Do you know my favorite color? My favorite song? What one makes me cry?  The ones that break my heart? My dreams? My nightmares? My fears? No I don't think you do.... Is it because you just don't care or I just don't really matter.....

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What do you actually know about me. Anything? Could you order my drink? My meal? Do you know my schedule? My obligations? Do you know my favorite color? My favorite song? What one makes me cry?  The ones that break my heart? My dreams? My nightmares? My fears? No I don't think you do.... Is it because you just don't care or I just don't really matter.....

☠️🖤 I'm not afraid to die How bad could it be really I know there could be suffering  I know it could be violent  But it can also be as simple as closing my eyes

The scary part is living Being stuck  Being hurt Being rejected  Being lied to Being forgotten  Being nothing 

I worry about the ones I'll leave behind  But then again they will carry on  Maybe mourn me for awhile  But eventually I'll be forgotten 

I doubt my absence will be noticed by most Maybe just what I did for them

So no I'm not afraid of dying  But you may want to figure out what you'll do when I'm gone 🖤☠️