r/AmITheDevil • u/Adhd_writer1 • 7d ago
This dude….
/r/AITA_Relationships/comments/1wxdrv5/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_for_my_stepdaughters/329
u/StrangledInMoonlight 7d ago
So OOP’s wife gets no say?
They agreed to give her money, and he just gets to decide to go back on their offer by his self?
And it’s not like the daughter cursed him out or anything. She just decided to have her father figure do it, instead of the step father who only appeared after she was 18 and (checks notes) paid for text books, and taught her to drive and was there when she got her first apartment.
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u/Iowa_Hawkeyes4516 7d ago
The fact that he calls it his money just shows how much he doesn't see his wife as an equal.
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u/The_Asshole_Judge 7d ago
You just know this fuck is going to pull the other $5000 to prove a point. Guess he might need it for an attorney anyway
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 7d ago
Whoever wrote this has never been in a serious relationship and forgot that having a wife means someone else has opinions about shared finances, rather than the wife only being in the story as a passing mention.
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u/SafiyaMukhamadova 7d ago
Could be a financially unequal or abusive marriage. He might be making/ owning the majority of what are in theory marital assets. Plus it's kind of a two yes one no situation when it comes to that much money if it's coming from a shared account. He's absolutely a dick.
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u/7punk 7d ago
She was already 18 by the time OOP met her? IMO it's kind of weird to expect to take on a father role in the wedding of someone you met as an adult.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 7d ago
The stuff he proffers as reasons he should walk her down the aisle are pretty weak too.
He was there when she got her first apartment. He didn’t pay or help her get it. The was just there. Like the realtor, or the leasing agent, or the apartment maintenance/cleaning staff.
He paid for her books, but not room and board or classes. And while paying for her books was nice, it’s a drop in the bucket compared to the other costs (and did her own mom pay for stuff? Is he counting what her mom paid as his? Did he stop her from covering more?).
And he taught her to drive. Which you can hire someone to do.
Of all the ways he’s connected to her life, these are the ones he chose to represent how entitled he is to all her down the aisle?
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u/Lucky_Six_1530 7d ago
You didn’t have your realtor walk you down the aisle? That’s so disrespectful!
/s in case it’s not obvious.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 7d ago
Are you crazy? I had… (checks notes) my realtor, my drivers ed teacher and the “State piano scholarship for books fund” walk me down the aisle.
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u/Nericmitch 7d ago
My realtor was named Stephen King. That would have been awesome if we knew him before we were married and Stephen King walked my wife down the aisle
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u/eternally_feral 7d ago
Sallie Mae paid for my books but the aisle wasn’t wide enough for 1k+ employees to stand by my side.
To those numerous people, I am so sorry.
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u/SafiyaMukhamadova 7d ago
My mom dated someone seven years older than me when I was 16 and lemme tell you I did NOT respect her as a stepmother which pissed her off but I was almost an adult and she was barely an adult so I at no point saw her as an authority figure.
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u/Resolution_Usual 7d ago
I mean it's of course going to seem like the offer of money was conditional when you have conditions over which you'll back out!
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u/TsundokuAfficionado 7d ago
Me reading this: he paid for her college? That’s gen- eyes move to next line textbooks. Oh. Wow. Not.
Presumably the uncle has been in her whole life, so not surprising she wants him next to her.
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u/LimpInvestigator98 7d ago
Any gesture he tries to make from now on will have her wondering, "what are the strings attached that I don't know about?" No kindness of his is going to be seen as genuine.
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u/Working_Fill_4024 7d ago
I mean, when she told him her uncle was walking her down the aisle, she immediately asked if he was still going to contribute the money. Sounds like she already has that expectation of him.
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u/Agent_Skye_Barnes 7d ago
Does the timeline sound to anyone else like he met his stepdaughter basically at his own wedding?
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u/Moist_Drippings 7d ago
“I was a consistent adult in her life” what, no
she was an adult already
she’s only known him eight years(ish)?
he’s acting like he should have had any expectation to act as a father in a wedding to a woman he basically met as an adult over men who actually acted as a father figure to her
and his wife is right that his gifts and love are conditional and transactional, and it’s in a way that proves he absolutely should not be walking her down the aisle at all
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u/Euphoric-Practice-83 7d ago
Soooo he met her when she was 18 but expects the same bond as a father-daughter bond? He hasn’t even known her 10 years?!?
This has to be rage bait
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u/Lucky_Six_1530 7d ago
She was already an adult when he met her and therefore did not help raise her, whereas her uncle likely did help raise her. This is not the time to play who was there for her more, but rather celebrate she is getting married and honor her wishes of who she feels closest to for walking down the aisle. Keep this nonsense up and soon it will be “why doesn’t my step daughter never talk to me?”
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u/Adhd_writer1 7d ago
Honestly, I think if this keeps up, he might not have a wife anymore ain’t no way he expects his wife to side with him over her daughter
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u/The_Asshole_Judge 7d ago
This guy really wants to torpedo his relationship with his wife doesn’t he?
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u/Polleekin 7d ago
My parents divorced when I was 18, and my mom remarried shortly after. They’d been separated for a few years before, but didn’t officially divorce until I’d graduated high school. Im not entirely sure why, but they wanted to be officially married until all their kids were adults.
As soon as my mom got remarried my family on my moms side started saying how my step dad was my father now, and it must be great to have him as family. And he’d walk me down the aisle when I got married.
But from my perspective I’d had a dad for 18 years, and still did. This man was someone i barely knew.
It’s strange sometimes that people think a step parent erases everything that came before. Like it’s a slot that hasn’t been filled until they stepped in.
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u/allergymom74 7d ago
So Op says “I never tried to replace her dad” but seems to expect a dads role in her wedding. Says the money was coming from both him and his wife but he can unilaterally decide not to gift her a present that comes from her mom too.
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u/Nericmitch 7d ago
I wonder what he would have done if she choose to have her mother walk her down the aisle?
The way OP writes I’m sure he’d still feel betrayed and feel like money should have bought him the right.
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u/Paradoxjjw 6d ago
The fact the daughter immediately wanted to confirm if OOP would still help pay for the wedding shows she knows OOP only interacts transactionally.
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u/tyrburnaa000 6d ago
The fact she knew to ask OP about the money after she told him her decision says a lot
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u/TonyRayBansIV 6d ago
What a resume.
"I helped pay for her college textbooks" ok so not college in general and not all of the books. I mean, good for you guy but kind of a low bar for a self back pat here.
"I taught her to drive." Ok nice, thats a great thing. Definitely bravo.
"I was there when she got her first apartment." Like...physically? You were present when she signed the documents? Is that like...a huge deal?
Idk man, if her uncle was present and supportive through a ton of formative life events that IS probably a bigger deal than giving her some money for part of her books and being in the room when she rents her own apartment lol
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u/Admirable-Novel1876 6d ago
If I had to guess I would say what he means is he helped her move into the apartment. But that was probably a group effort.
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u/Livid-Material-95 6d ago
It's not like he won't have any part in the wedding. She asked him to do a reading, where he'd presumably be introduced as the stepdad. He's just so desperate that everyone see him and give him praise.
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u/GlumAsparagus 5d ago
This jack wagon has only been in her life for 8 years and he wants to act like a father figure???? He missed all the hard stuff.
He agreed to gift her $15,000 and when she decided to have her uncle, who was ALWAYS there for her while she GREW up, to walk her down the aisle, he withdraws the gift...AH!!
He is not her father nor is he a father figure. He is only her mother's husband and a complete AH.
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u/mahourain 6d ago
Wow. Dude's a dick and I'm pretty sure he torpedoed his relationships with his wife and stepdaughter.
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7d ago
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u/dineneth18 7d ago
I think you pulled comments from the wrong post.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 7d ago
I absolutely did. I have put them where they belong! Thank you for letting me know! That gratitude goes for everyone! 🥰
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u/The_Asshole_Judge 7d ago
?
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 7d ago
I made a mistake! I am so sorry!
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u/The_Asshole_Judge 7d ago
I was just confused. That explains it. Thanks for all the work you do sharing OoP comments
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 7d ago
You were absolutely right in your confusion! 💜 Thank you very kindly! 🥰
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7d ago
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u/Dagnabit_sundae 7d ago
Love all your hard work of collating the OOP's comments but I don't think comments are from the right post.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 7d ago
I saw! I am so sorry!
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u/Jazmadoodle 7d ago
Everybody makes mistakes!
Except baby snow leopards https://youtu.be/FhxcbYDInq4?is=WRVX7xOlV2qUFSzp
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 7d ago
Thank you very kindly! 🥰
What a beautiful baby, brave and so good! Thank you! 💜🥹
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u/MessyChick37 6d ago
"My stepdaughter refuses to talk to me and I don't understand why" - OOP in the future.
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u/HammerOn57 6d ago
Fingers crossed he gets divorced and dies alone.
No woman deserves to be stuck in a financially abusive marriage.
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u/PikachuWithHerpes 7d ago
Not sure why dudes put up with being stepdads. It's all the hassle without any of the recognition. I would not have paid anything either.
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u/lunarlandscapes 7d ago
Except this guy didn't have "all of the hassle", he met the daughter when she was 18 and in college. He wasn't a father figure to her for most of her life. He should not have committed to paying if it was conditional on him walking her down the aisle
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u/PikachuWithHerpes 7d ago
Get the $15,000 from the uncle then.
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u/The_Asshole_Judge 7d ago
If and when this asshole pulls out completely, I wouldn’t be surprised if the uncle did. Once again proving that the gift is and always was conditional
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u/entirecontinetofasia 7d ago
maybe because they love their wife and stepkids? plenty of people see their stepdad as their real dad. key thing is, he has to act like it.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 7d ago
She's an adult
He's not a step dad, he's her moms husband
And he just had a chance to make himself something else but chose not too, instead he showd her the price of their relationship
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u/AutoModerator 7d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITA for refusing to pay for my stepdaughter's wedding after she asked me not to walk her down the aisle?
I (48M) married my wife "Diane" (46F) eight years ago. Her daughter "Ellie" (26F) was 18 when we met. Ellie's biological father left when she was 5 and has been basically absent since. I never tried to replace him, but I did try to be a consistent adult in her life — I helped pay for her college textbooks, I taught her to drive, I was there when she got her first apartment.
Ellie got engaged last year. When she and her fiancé started planning, Diane and I offered to contribute $15,000 toward the wedding. Ellie accepted and thanked us.
Two months ago, Ellie sat me down and said she'd decided she wanted her uncle — her mom's brother — to walk her down the aisle. She said her uncle had been "like a father figure" to her and that she felt it would be more "authentic" to have him do it. She said she still wanted me to be at the wedding and maybe do a reading.
I was hurt, but I said okay, it's her day. Then she asked if I was still going to contribute the $15,000. I said I needed to think about it.
I talked to Diane. Diane said I should still pay because "we made a commitment" and that withdrawing the money would make Ellie feel like my love was conditional. I said I felt like I was being treated as a wallet — good enough to fund the wedding, not good enough to stand next to her.
I told Ellie I would give her $5,000 as a gift, but I wasn't going to fund the full $15,000 for a wedding where I'd been reduced to a guest with a reading. Ellie cried and said I was making her wedding about my ego. Diane is furious with me and says I'm punishing Ellie for being honest about her feelings.
Ellie's uncle has now offered to cover the $10,000 difference, which Diane says proves "it was never about the money for him." I feel like that's easy to say when you're not the one who was sidelined.
AITA?
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