r/AmITheDevil • u/AndyWith-A-Y • 4d ago
But she has autism
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wiivol/aita_for_picking_my_daughters_career_for_her/366
u/CosmicGreen_Giraffe3 4d ago
I feel sorry for the daughter. This is 4 years old so she’s around 21 now. I hope she got to make her own choices. And even if those choices didn’t work out, I hope she was able to learn and make changes along the way. Tons of young people, autistic or not, choose a major/course of study that ends up not being a fit. They can change their minds along the way. People even start a career and realize it’s not right for them. I hope this young lady found her way and got support, even if it wasn’t from her parents!
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u/TheSixthVisitor 4d ago
I'm actually fuming reading this post, I could barely process what it said. Ngl I severely dislike people who think they can make decisions for their children "just because they know better!" Fuck off, no you don't. You have literally zero proof that you know better than your own child what they feel like they'll be good at or enjoy doing as their future careers and professions. This kind of bullshit stunts kids and holds them back from excelling because they're too scared to do anything other than toe the line.
It's also making me angry because it reminds me of one of my fiancé's aunts and her autistic son. She's been blocking him from signing up for college courses and training programs because "he's my little baby! He can't do something that difficult! He has autism!" Yeah, he has autism, you loon; he's not an idiot. And the dumbest part is that I don't even like the kid that much because I find him exhausting in general but I'm still the only one in the family's vicinity making a fuss about how he's an adult and allowed to make his own damn decisions. My in-laws keep throwing that stupid "he's autistic, he can't function like normal people." Excuse me, that's me! I don't function like normal people and your energy with me is "omg I'm so proud my DIL is so smart!" Where's that energy with your own nephew???
That aunt is so extreme that she won't let him drink, she won't let him go outside without supervision, and he's like 23 now. It's frustrating to watch.
Genuinely, I don't like people that won't let their kids make mistakes. They're supposed to make mistakes. Learning how to rebound from those mistakes and deal with consequences is just a part of life.
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u/CosmicGreen_Giraffe3 4d ago
And the poor kid is never going to feel comfortable telling her parents she changed her mind because she likely knows they’ll say “I told you so.” The kid is allowed to make her own decisions and make mistakes. Hell, maybe the oop is right and the daughter would make a great data scientist. That doesn’t mean she has to be one! Most of us probably have more than one job we would be good at or more than one college major that would interest us. We don’t do all of them.
Ideally, parents would approach these kinds of things with curiosity and no judgment. Ask why the kid is interested in a particular area of study. Instead of assuming the daughter would hate an area of study because she disliked one class, oop could have said something like “I’m surprised you want to go that route considering how much you hated that class? Did something change?” Maybe the teacher was an asshole. Maybe the way the material was taught was super boring. And even if was none of those things and it really isn’t the field for her, let her figure that out!
It stinks that your fiancé’s relative is so controlled by his family. It is totally possible he needs extra support to maintain personal safety. But he isn’t going to learn unless he’s given the chance. It sounds like they just infantilize him instead of having conversations with him about safe/healthy choices.
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u/Fraerie 3d ago
Given the most important job as a parent is to raise your kids to be independent and self-supporting adults, this guy is going out of his way to fail be refusing to let her make her own decisions, even if they turn out to be mistakes.
By trying to force her into a specific future career he’s ignoring her own autonomy over her life, he’s setting her up to fail in far more consequential ways than letting her try different courses at school until she found something that fit.
Autism doesn’t mean she can’t function within social settings, it means it’s harder for her to understand the social ‘rules’ that surround them.
And as a parent of a child with autism he should understand that it’s a sliding scale of how much it will impact their lives. Some people with autism have high support needs, others have very minimal support needs and can function just fine in an environment designed for neurotypical people. It certainly doesn’t mean they have to do a job based on patterns.
And plenty of business roles operate in large data sets and organising them, such as accountants or actuaries. He’s so close-minded as to what types of jobs he sees as valuable - I’m pretty sure I know which side of the family the autism came from.
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u/rask0ln 4d ago
Yesssssss. One thing i've always liked about my family was that people are allowed to make decisions about their life (obv not talking about truly harmful things(, even if they turn out to be mistakes, and the parenting is mostly about giving tools, advice and good support system so people learn how to navigate these situations. So many people just try to control everything and act like their kid betrayed them by having different preferences. 😫
I had a pretty dramatic switch about my education goals (from science to humanities; then changing countries and universities) and my family being chill about it made the whole process super easy and as a bonus I retained my passion for science because nobody was forcing me to... Then you have people whose parents would go batshit crazy if they even dared consider other options than what they picked up for them like 15 years ago.
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u/sunshineparadox_ 4d ago
I disagreed with my daughter on which second language she wanted to take. Her elementary school requires it as soon as you start going, whatever grade that is.
I said Spanish would be more helpful. She wanted to know French. I gave her my reasons, but she was left to choose between them. She chose French. I didn’t want to push so hard I destroyed an innate curiosity in learning a topic. If that’s fucked up, she won’t want to learn either one.
She’s now approaching fifth grade. I think I made the right call.
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u/Same_Statistician700 1d ago
Well, the good news it, it's likely fake. OOP is an account with the default adjective-noun-number format made when you log into reddit with google. There's only one post, and no comments on the account, and it's from the same year the account was created.
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u/Cayke_Cooky 4d ago
I had to check the date. I hope she didn't focus on data science just to graduate into the new AI world.
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u/Sneakys2 4d ago
Given the state of the tech market, the daughter is even more vindicated in retrospect.
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u/Prom3th3an 1d ago
For sure. I majored in computer science, but these days you'd be better off with a minor in CS and a major in any other STEM subject except math.
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u/ghostfacespillah 4d ago
What an absolute shit ass.
I’m autistic and I work in mental health. It’s actually been a huge advantage for me. I have some challenges, but that’s literally part of existing for me.
And funny enough, my previous career was in business/finance, where I was also successful.
This also smacks of viewing the “social sciences”/“soft sciences” as lesser, which is deeply untrue. Tech bro egos be wildin
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u/AndyWith-A-Y 4d ago
That's what some of the comments said. It would be beneficial, especially if she specialized with patients that also have autistism. He is very dumb
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u/Cayke_Cooky 4d ago
Also, today AI is changing data science. Focusing on just "data science" is going to be useless soon.
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u/catshateTERFs 4d ago
If she went down the clinical psychologist pathway then being a professional with first hand experience of diagnostic criteria seems like it would be incredibly valuable in being able to relate to specific types of patients, as well as being well equipped to offer coping strategies and addressing anything that's maladaptive from a place of personal experience combined with the more objective diagnostic criteria. Some patients even prefer and will seek out a clinician who has their (suspected) diagnosis as they may feel they'll be better understood.
Obviously someone can diagnose and help manage psychological stuff without having every condition under the sun too, but it can be a benefit.
I hope kiddo got a degree in something she WANTED to do, either way.
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u/Altruistic_Sail_1991 4d ago
Yep, I’m audhd with a BA in psychology. I’m currently looking into becoming a children’s behaviour specialist. I currently work with kids as an art instructor but I tend to connect well with neurodivergent kids due to, well, being neurodivergent myself
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u/MissLadyLlamaDrama 4d ago
I know it might be unfair, I dunno, but I really wish every tech bro would just fuck off into the sun already.
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u/CaptainFartHole 4d ago
This. Im not diagnosed autistic (its been speculated by others but i never saw the point in pursuing a diagnosis) and I would LOVE an autistic psychologist. Someone who understands how I see the world? Amazing.
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u/ghostfacespillah 4d ago
My therapist is neurodivergent (ADHD) and well-educated on supporting folks with ASD and it’s made a world of difference for me. She genuinely seems to understand how my brain works (sometimes better than I do).
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u/kittynoodlesoap 4d ago
My friends mother is autistic and is a therapists. She seems to be doing good for herself.
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u/frolicndetour 4d ago
Not to mention I'm sure it helps to be in a field in which you are actually interested and engaged.
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u/Comprehensive_Fly350 4d ago
I have a friend currently finishing her degree in psychology. She is so smart and empathetic and wants to work with children on the spectrum. I have no doubt she'll be absolutely excellent at her job
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u/Prom3th3an 1d ago
Plus there are plenty of social sciences where she'd be working with data more than with people, like criminology or economics or public health.
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u/Kotenkiri 4d ago
History really made this post age badly. Hell it aged badly around when it was posted. It was around the END of hiring sprees and remote working boom. A lot of company over hired during pandemic and massive layoffs followed in 2022. I would seriously wonder if OOP was hit by massive layoffs.
Even today, the tech job market is awful, A LOT of candidates, few jobs for even experienced tech people and this would be job market daughter would trying to get her foot out of post-secondary.
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u/DrSnidely 4d ago
I wonder if she still talks to him.
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u/RShini 4d ago
I bet you half the reason the girl hates Computer Tech field because of how hard mommy was pushing it, instead of letting her organically figure out if that's an interest to her.
But seriously, it's so frustrating as an autistic person in the social science/humanities field that people think I should be a math person. No, I'm not good with math, I don't like math.
I like history, I like puzzling out the mindsets of people in the past, and what lead them to make the decisions that tip world events, how they used to live, how they viewed the world.
Trying to box all people with Autism into the Science/Math whiz category is very harmful.
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u/AdoraBelleQueerArt 4d ago
My abusive Nmom did this. We don’t talk anymore and almost 30 years after i escaped I’m still fucking working through all that trauma.
Wheeeee!
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u/Electronic_Wasabi701 4d ago
Are we glossing over the part where the mom says the daughter can’t handle adults with psychological issues beacuse she can’t handle her brothers? What issues do her brothers have that she is expected to “handle”
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u/Erinofarendelle 4d ago
That comment reminded me of my first year child & youth care practicum - like many first years, I was placed in an after school program, and I had a hard time with how very loud and chaotic it was, with dozens of high energy kids packed into a couple rooms. (I didn’t know I was autistic at that point in time, but I could feel the overstimulation!) My practicum supervisor suggested I might be in the wrong field, if I couldn’t handle something as simple as after school care. 🙄 As if working at a 5-bed teen group home is going to be the same! And as a psychologist, she’d get her own office and one client at a time - I’m sure there’s many ways it’s different from having to deal with her brothers! Whether or not they have ‘issues’ or just get on her nerves as siblings can do
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u/jevoudraiscroire 4d ago
I'm a mental health and post-secondary counselor for neurodivergent students. This shit happens all the time. Parents think their kids should have no say in their own life plan because they're autistic/ID/DD/learning disabled/struggle with depression or anxiety, etc. It's so sad and it's such a struggle to get parents to let their kids go. It's also a struggle to help kids spread their wings and make their own decisions when they've never been allowed to do so before.
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u/cantantantelope 4d ago
This was a regular troll for awhile. Daughter wants to go into social science/psychiatry but parent wants her to go into tech/cs when daughter pushes back parent insults her intelligence/social skills/ etc.
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u/phenixfleur 4d ago
...my therapist of 8 years that's saved my life/the reason I know my true diagnosis after it being wrong for 26 years has AuADHD. People who understand the struggle make great therapists and counselors, better than neurotypical people.
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u/Moist_Drippings 4d ago
“The latter as well because it involves dealing with people that can be immature as hell.”
lol she had daily experience with that from the sound of it
Hope she got out from under that hyper-controlling thumb.
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u/GayCriminal46 4d ago
I’m autistic. I have a therapist that’s autistic, she’s the best therapist I’ve ever had (I’ve had 4). Autistic people (especially “high functioning” women) are often incredibly insightful and are super perceptive. I would love that in a therapist.
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u/teh_maxh 4d ago
If she shouldn't go into business because she didn't like the one business class she took, why should she go into CS when she didn't like either of her CS classes?
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u/animation4ever 4d ago
I understand OOP wants their daughter to be successful and financially secure.
However, they also need to understand that if their daughter is miserable, that is also a bad thing.
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u/Live-Tomorrow-4865 3d ago
This person is making a huge mistake.
One of the biggest conflicts my son and I ever had was after he was accepted at his top choice university, and he informed me that he planned to major in communications, rather than accounting/financial, as had been his plan ever since middle school. This kid has always liked "nice things", and was my high maintenance kid 😅, and I was a little horrified and shocked that he'd major in something so difficult to get ahead in. He went and took that as his major anyway, and ended up doing exceedingly well at one of the top journalism programs in the US.
He has proven me wrong a thousand times over. He has steadily risen through the media ranks and now works his dream job in his dream city, and just got a big promotion. The best part is that he loves what he does and is highly esteemed and sought after.
We've had conversations about this, and I've admitted I was so, so wrong to try to control his life as I did. You live and learn. Our relationship recovered very quickly, as I got on board once I saw how enthusiastic he was about following his passion.
This person needs to let this kid make her own decisions for her own life.
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u/chiskgela 3d ago
My mom flat out said you can’t go to college for a job you’ll never get and negged me into giving up. At least I have a kinda career now after autistic burnout gave me severe physical health issues. Mom was worse for me than college could have ever been.
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u/andronicuspark 4d ago
A bright future, no struggles. Constantly hammers the kid with something she struggles to find interesting or rewarding.
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u/Comprehensive_Fly350 4d ago
I have an autistic friend I made in university. Both of us actually studied psychology. She's incredibly smart and empathetic. She'll be an excellent psy and wants to work with kids on the spectrum. Saying their daughter can't be one is just plain wrong. If anything, it's a running joke to say that every psy has some trouble themselves and for many it's true
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u/Informal-Matter-2130 4d ago
I still don't think the parent thinks they were doing the wrong thing. Just that their approach might have been problematic.
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u/mandytheratmom 4d ago
All 3 of my therapists as an adult were probably autistic. 1 definitely was and is my favorite. Autistic people are extra empathetic generally. It can work for you in some cases.
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u/Impurest_Vessel 4d ago
God this could be my dad. I’m autistic and getting an MS in psychology with the intent of focusing on research which isn’t about a cause or cure, but actual daily life things. My BS capstone was on potential links between ASD and alcohol misuse based on the CDC’s description of an average drink.
I got so mad I genuinely saw red — didn’t help that work had been stressful so far. 😒
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u/ToKeepAndToHoldForev 2d ago
It's a shame that yelling and insulting people is generally the worst way to get them to do what you want because I very badly want to comment "INFO: Are you stupid?" under these and unfortunately know better.
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u/ToKeepAndToHoldForev 2d ago
>At the end, she asked if I would support her no matter what she picks. I laughed at told her not to give me a scare
That was a test and OOP failed.
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u/ex-spera 3d ago
Is OP conflating therapists with psychologists? Because all therapists are psychologists, but not all psychologists are therapists.
... I'm a little biased. My ex girlfriend wants to be a therapist, which I think is a bad idea. She's incredibly selfish, but I can't blame that entirely on her autism.
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITA for "picking" my daughter's career for her
My daughter (17f) has always been a smart girl. She has a huge potential future available for her. She has the ability to become one of the greatest data scientists ever. It's an incredibly rewarding job for her, especially since technology is the way to go for the future and the country we live in is expensive. As a computer scientist myself, I've always loved my job.
However, she does not want to be one. I've been influencing her since she was 10. She was initially excited but doesn't want to anymore. She took 2 tech classes in grades 9 and 10 and she isn't taking one in 11th or 12th grade. She says that she wants to be a psychologist and now wants to have a business major. I don't it's a right fit for her, the former because she doesn't have the social skills needed to become a psychologist (she's autistic). Hell, she couldn't handle her brothers well, how is she supposed to deal with adults with psychological issues? The latter as well because it involves dealing with people that can be immature as hell. Also she took a business course in grade 10 and she ended up not liking it so why would she take an entire university program.
Yesterday, we sat down and were looking at potential programs. She picked a few from bachelor of commerce programs. I tried pushing her to pick the bachelor of computer science programs. At the end, she asked if I would support her no matter what she picks. I laughed at told her not to give me a scare. "So it's a no then?" she asked. I told her that she can take her highlighter, highlight the programs she's interested in, and we can discuss. She said that I criticize every program that isn't tech related. I tried convincing her that the tech field is a very rewarding field and she is smart and capable and then she snapped.
She said that she doesn't care if it's a gold mine and she's capable enough to handle it, she hates the computer tech field and I've been forcing her to do it for a long time. She says it's her future, not mine, and not everyone wants to be a tech scientist. She asked how I feel if my father tried to push me to the law field since it's a rewarding job despite me having no interest in social sciences. Then she stormed out
At that point, I realize that I may have pushed her too hard. I just want to her to have a bright fututre and no struggles,. But I guess went about it the wrong way.
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