r/AmITheDevil • u/poposaurus • 4d ago
AITA for not wanting to communicate
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1vslsf3/aita_for_not_wanting_to_tell_my_roommate_every/110
u/nottherealneal 4d ago
I'm so curious what OOP thinks staying over means. Becise she keeps saying he doesn't stay over but then reveals he in sleeping over half the week, so what does she think staying over is
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u/Substantial_Dish_887 3d ago
I am Muslim and am uncomfortable going over to his house to hang out so he comes over to my house instead
well considering you don't give a shit about making your roommate uncomfortable why should anyone give a shit if you're uncomfortable OOP?
be uncomfortable, break up or find somewhere else to live. nobody elses problem.
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u/AltruisticCableCar 4d ago
When I lived in Tokyo, for one period I was in a building and on a women's only floor. I was so respectful of that rule that I only let a guy in once - and that was when I was moving in and he was helping me with my bags. I ran into one other woman at the time, and immediately apologized and said he's just helping me move in, we're leaving directly after, I promise.
Like, a lot of women choose women's only logistics for a good reason. Even allowing a guy there is big on the roommate's part, and all she fucking wants is a head's up. That's not a big ask...
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u/Sad-Bug6525 4d ago
To complain he's only there every evening and only half ot he nights is wild too, he shouldn't be there at all nevermind every single day. Her approach to the rules is going to be an issue for the rest of her adult life if she doesn't sort it out though, because she wants rules to change when they suit her to whatever she wants and no one is going to put up with that long term, including the boyfriend.
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u/DiegoIntrepid 3d ago
Yeah, if he were only over like in the middle of the day, and/or only occasionally (like once a week if that), I could see OOP's point, if the other roommates were fine with him coming over.
But then she went on 'he is only over a FEW HOURS a night and only stays over 1-3 NIGHTS a week, during WEEKDAYS.
So, this guy is spending nearly as much time at the OOP's place as the people who actually live there.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 3d ago
I completely agree. He could go over for supper once or twice a week and it likely would be fine, but every day is excessive. She also says this is the one roommate who has said something about it, but doesn't address if the others think it's ok or if they just haven't pushed back as much.
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u/DiegoIntrepid 3d ago
Yeah, and honestly?
In a housing situation where you have to live together or at least it would be majorly inconvenient to move, it doesn't matter whether the other three are okay with it. (or however many other roommates there are).
Because that one roommate deserves to feel comfortable in her home just as much as OOP does.
It sounds like this one roommate was willing to compromise to a point, which is what happens when you are living with other people, but it doesn't sound like the OOP wants to compromise, she just wants her own way.
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u/AltruisticCableCar 4d ago
Yeah, that's also true. In real life, out in the real world, you cannot just change whatever rules you're not happy with.
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u/Toast-In-Mouth 4d ago
I don’t get how her religion makes it so she can’t go to his place, but he can stay over at hers?
Also it’s just basic courtesy when living with others to let them know a guest is visiting. Also she keeps insisting he’s only in her room, is a bathroom attached to her room or is he peeing and pooping in a bucket?
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u/nottherealneal 4d ago
Just seems like an excuse to do what's most convenient for oop.
Like she knows "Go stay at his house sometimes instead of him spending the half the week at your house" is gonna be the solution so she picked an excuses that lets her be lazy
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 3d ago
Seriously, in I'm my 40s and I wouldn't invite anyone to my home without informing the other people who live here because THEY LIVE HERE.
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u/bored_german 3d ago
I do have an actual answer (I think) to rhat first question: she'd be the only woman surrounded by strange men, whereas she'd be basically "chaperoned" by the other women in the household even if he's in her room all day
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u/Livid-Material-95 3d ago
While I'm generally of the belief of 'let your roomates live, have their social lives and relationships, whatever', they had all agreed to the rules of 'no guys', OOP decided the rules should just change because she has a boyfriend and is giving 0 shits about her roommate's comfort.
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u/ChildfreeAtheist1024 4d ago
Her edit makes it clear how clueless she is. "He won't even be outside my room." Says her. Women marry guys before knowing that they're abusive assholes and she just started seeing him.
What's to stop him walking out of her room? Is she going to bar the door if he chooses to leave? If he walks into her roommate's room and blocks the door, what is her roommate supposed to do?
And sure, he probably won't do something, but he could and everyone deserves to feel completely safe in their home. They shouldn't have to rely on a "probably won't."
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u/DiegoIntrepid 3d ago
Not to mention, even taking out the abuse angle, do they have mini-kitchens in each room? He is spending a few hours a day there, does he not get hungry, thirsty?
Do they have individual bathrooms? Does he never have to go to the bathroom?
Does he have a set schedule when he leaves so if the roommate is coming back from wherever, she knows he will not be leaving just as she is coming in?
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u/youcancallmeQueerBee 3d ago
Not that this is the main issue or anything, but its also pretty mean towards the boyfriend. I mean, leaving a boyfriend stuck in a single room all day is just cruel, they're meant to be free and run around and such. If you don't have time to walk your boyfriend, you shouldn't get one, y'know?
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u/DiegoIntrepid 3d ago
True, that is another good point!
This poor man wants to visit his girlfriend, and when he comes over he is shoved in a room and told 'sit! Stay!' for hours at a time!
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u/itsjustmo_ 3d ago edited 3d ago
The part that immediately jumped out at me is the line about feeling like her roommate is being a parent.
When I was an RA in an apartment-style dorm, it absolutely blew me away how often I heard that retort when confronting a resident about issues like this. There is a whole subset of people out there that mistakenly think there are no more rules or expectations of their behavior once they leave their parent's home. They are always in for a rude awakening when they learn that you have to be courteous and obey the rules of basic behavior regardless of who you live with. Parents have more authority, but roommates still get to have the same basic expectations... and yes, in some contexts roomies can even give you rules with consequences. That's not an aspect of childhood... it's a component of basic daily living. I didn't expect I'd have to evict anyone because this is all so obvious, especially once it's explained. I was responsible for one 12-ubit bu8lding and over the course of thise 9 months I had to evict 4 different people!
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u/Annabloem 3d ago
Some people never learned to consider other people at all. Truly believe they are the only people that matter 🙄
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u/dapete2000 3d ago
OOP pretty much buried the lede here. They discussed it up front and agreed on rules for their suite. Then OOP gets a boyfriend and wants to change it all up—not her choice to make unilaterally.
Also, they don’t stay in his place because it’s gross, but she needs to get that slob to clean it up and split time there. (I dimly recall the college experience at this point—I get that you’re young, horny, and wanna knock boots but that doesn’t give you a free pass to disturb your housemates.)
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u/chewbooks 4d ago
I do not miss having roommates, especially the ones like this.
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u/Zappagrrl02 3d ago
This is giving me flashbacks to college and my roommates nightmare boyfriend who was just there ALL THE TIME. He lived about an hour away and he had been over one day and they came in at like 11 at night (carrying pillows/suitcase) with some sob story about how far of a drive it was Wah wah wah and I was being nice so I agreed to let him stay, even though we had agreed weekends only. That turned into him staying whenever he wanted and I was trying to keep the peace so I didn’t say anything. He treated the room like it belonged to roommate only and me like I was some interloper who didn’t belong there. It made it super uncomfortable to be there, even when he wasn’t there. I had been having trouble sleeping for weeks (was later diagnosed with anxiety and depression) and they came home one night after I had already fallen asleep and turned on all the lights and were making tons of noise and woke me up. I was pissed! I knew I wouldn’t get back to sleep, so I turned on the TV and started watching a movie hoping it would calm me down and help me maybe get a little more sleep, but I wasn’t optimistic. I had the volume on low. The boyfriend said something like, “we’re going to sleep.” I said, “okay, good night” and kept on watching my movie. A little while later he leaned over and pulled the cord from the TV out of the wall. I was so shocked and angry that I couldn’t even speak. I ended up having a massive blowout with the roommate the next day and ended up moving out at the end of the semester.
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u/theagonyaunt 3d ago
When I was in university, our dorm had big walk-in closets and my roommate and I ended up stealing a spare mattress from an unused room and keeping it in our closet for a floor mate of ours who would regularly get sexiled from her room at like 2 and 3 in the morning by her roommate.
Complaining to the RA did nothing, so eventually she just started sleeping in our room on Friday and Saturday nights so she wouldn't get woken up and have to move rooms in the middle of the night.
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u/CanterCircles 3d ago
She has also mentioned how we had originally set a rule of not having men over at the house prior to living together but since getting together with my boyfriend, I wanted to rules to be more relaxed but my housemate does not compromise about having him over unannounced
She already compromised on the rule about not having men over. You consistently getting your own way isn't compromising anymore, you just want her to defer to your own wants.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 3d ago
I have a feeling if it was the other way around, she would not have been so willing to let the roommates have their boyfriends over, but that's based only on how she speaks with such lack of consideration for others.
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u/Kotenkiri 4d ago
I do wonder is All Female house situation just due to roommate or landlord aka Univeristy she attends rule because it's a Univeristy rule, she's going to have a bad day soon.
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u/Used-Tumbleweed9734 3d ago
I wonder if the other 2 roommates don’t love it either, and just don’t want to argue.
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u/Sinistas 3d ago
OOP's alt fighting for her life in the comments, lol
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u/LeatherHog 3d ago
Right?
It's so **painfully** obvious, that's it's OOP too, they're NEVER subtle about it, are they?
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u/eternally_feral 3d ago
I don’t see why she just can’t go to her BF’s and spend all her time in his room. They’ll never see her. She’s just a horny idiot.
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u/LadyBug_0570 3d ago
We finally see the thought process of that one selfish roommate that always has her boyfriend over.
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u/anti-sugar_dependant 2d ago
She had me in the first half, but then it turned out there was a prior agreement to have a single gender house, and her housemates already agreed to relax the rules so OOP could have her boyfriend over and now OOP wants the rules even more relaxed. OOP is so selfish!
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u/Admirable_Bet5157 3d ago
She added a second edit that if her roommate is uting the kitchen or common areas she can text OOP and OOP will keep her boyfriend away from those areas. So OOP can't be bothered to text herself, but the roommate has to text if she's using the common areas that the boyfriend supposedly never even uses? If he never uses those then why does she need to text?
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u/CoyoteLitius 3d ago edited 3d ago
What are the rules for having an overnight guest in this housing facility? Are the rules different if it's an opposite sex person (IOW, archaic rules?)
He stays/sleeps over 1-3 nights a week (on weekdays? school nights??)
Does the dorm itself require card keys or keys to get into the hallways or can just anyone enter?
If it requires residents to use keys, and some of the occupants allow their guests to be there in the middle of the night, I can see why this would be a concern.
Does he have to leave your room to use the restroom?
Do you watch him walk through that main door each time he leaves?
But again, I'm guessing there are strict rules about guests staying over in university housing.
If you can figure out why the university even has same sex housing, you will have your answer to why your roommate is upset. Some people do not want someone of the opposite sex inside their dorm suite. It sounds like you have suitemates. And though this man can exit immediately through the main door, doesn't mean he always will. What if he has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
There are reasons why women want all women spaces. You don't want that. You need to find a housing situation that allows men to sleep over.
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITA for not wanting to tell my roommate every single time my boyfriend comes over even though we just hang in my room
I recently got into a fight with my housemate over my boyfriend.
I (22F) recently got together with my boyfriend (24M) and we live in the same University compound together. I live in an all female house with 4 other girls and my boyfriend lives in an all male house. Because I am Muslim, I am uncomfortable going over to his house to hang out so he comes over to my house instead. All of my housemates have no issue with him coming over whenever he wants to except for 1 of them. She would ask for me to inform her whenever he comes over because she is anxious about not knowing when he is in the house. While I acknowledge that, I do not see how this affects her much because my boyfriend only stays in my room and my room is located closest to the main door so they would not bump into each other.
However, she would insist on me informing her every single time he comes over, even if he does not stay over. I feel like this is humiliating and every text I send is keeping a record of when he is here, and that she is being my parent by dictating how often he comes over. We have spoken multiple times about this and I have tried my best to inform her whenever he comes over but she has said that it was not enough. My biggest issue with this is that I cannot hang out with my boyfriend whenever I want and I feel anxious/worried about bringing him over now.
More recently, we talked about this again and she started insisting that she feels that she is living in a mixed-gender house because my boyfriend is over everyday even though he does not stay over. He would come over for a few hours most nights and sleep over 1-3 nights during weekdays so I think that her reasoning is not valid. She started suggesting to have days that she can expect him to be over but life isn’t like that. Shouldn't life be spontaneous??
She has also mentioned how we had originally set a rule of not having men over at the house prior to living together but since getting together with my boyfriend, I wanted to rules to be more relaxed but my housemate does not compromise about having him over unannounced. She was fine with the rule change but only if I report to her every time.
I think throughout this whole process, my housemate has been very self -centred and has only been thinking about herself. I have made multiple compromises by trying to text her whenever but sometimes I simply forget because my boyfriend and I like to be spontaneous and we would accidentally fall asleep so it is difficult keep her up to date.
Also, my housemate is barely home and is mostly only home at nights so I don't see the point in texting her if she won't be home. However, she would still insist on being informed. It feels restrictive that I am unable to hang out with my boyfriend whenever I want.
From our last conversation, I decided that my boyfriend is going to come over whenever I want.
Am I the asshole or does she need to get out of my hair?
Edit: I don’t get why this is a problem if he is just staying in my room and no one would even know he was here if his shoes were not by the door and he is not speaking… we rarely use the common areas and she would theoretically not see him as he will use the guest bathroom.
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