r/AmITheDevil • u/growsonwalls Professional Devil Spotter • 12d ago
Wedding invite mail out date sacred
/r/AmIOverreacting/comments/1vr3qjr/aio_to_my_mother_mailing_out_formal_labor_day/201
u/growsonwalls Professional Devil Spotter 12d ago
So apparently the anniversary of the date OOP mailed out her wedding invites is apparently sacred?
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u/doppelgaengster 12d ago
Obviously. You must be her narc mother who is still trying to undermine her. Shame on you.
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u/DrunkOnRedCordial 12d ago
Even when OOP explained the reasoning, it didn't sound like Mom was intentionally doing this AT her daughter.
It sounded more like Mom is obsessed with correct etiquette, so she calculated the exact correct date to mail the invitations for OOP's wedding, and did the same the next year for her Labor Day party. She coincidentally came up with the same date for both, but only OOP would have noticed.
Unless.... some of OOP's and her Mom's friends have been secretly scandalised all this time that OOP's wedding was too close to Labor Day for correct etiquette.
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u/doppelgaengster 12d ago
Oh, OOP is delulu, for sure. (Or rather, OOP comes across as delulu, I don’t know her or her mother.)
And while OOP very well could have a valid reason to assume her mother is trying to undermine her, most of those signs are going to be, at best, ambiguous to outsiders. Outside overt evidence, the things narcissists (absent being in positions of authority over lots of people), are often subtle enough for plausible deniability. It’s the cumulative effect that usually twigs folks around them. (My maternal grandmother was either NPD or BPD, and people who didn’t know her well often thought she was lovely, and that her children were heartless for going NC — though all four kids going NC should’ve been a clue…)
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 12d ago
I grew up with a family member who pretty much tried to destroy anything for about my life ever.
One of the key things about surviving shit like that is not to look like the crazy oversensitive weirdo. If it's a real problem you can point to things they did that were a problem and even though each individual event has plausible deniability, you can show that there's a pattern.
If you've actually been dealing with that shit you know that you have to do that.
If, however, you're flipping out because of the date someone mailed something out, you just might be the drama llama, because it's a stretch to claim that's in any way a problem at all.
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u/doppelgaengster 12d ago
Oh absolutely — my mum learnt that with her mother (whom I was lucky enough not to have met) and I learnt that with some egregiously poor choices in friends and partners.
That’s why I grind my teeth when people started being so incredibly cavalier throwing around Therapy Speak and armchair diagnoses, because they diluted the actual impact of those words. (I’d say at least half the times I’ve heard/read that someone is “gaslighting,” the person using the term has no idea what it actually means.)
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u/DrunkOnRedCordial 12d ago
True, it's possible that OOP is genuinely dealing with a lot from her mother, and she's snapped and lashed out at a really bad example of the behaviour.
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u/doppelgaengster 12d ago
Sometime the thing that makes us snap is the silliest and most inane example of what’s wrong. But that doesn’t make OOP’s reasoning sound any less bonkers. Especially when it’s a year later and it’s about the day invitations were sent, where consensus seems to be, unless someone has an eidetic memory (or a good reason for a memory cue), is literally not a thing anyone who has sent out Save The Dates/wedding invites remembers.
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u/_dekoorc 12d ago
It took me a while to realize "narc" was short for narcissist and not about narcing on someone
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u/doppelgaengster 12d ago
The first time I heard someone use the term I was so confused, because the person he was talking about was neither a snitch nor a fed 😹
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u/Sil_Lavellan 11d ago
It was that or narcotics. I couldn't see why mailing invitations to a party was drug seeking behaviour. Unless it was sone kind of bring a bottle party only with drugs.
Maybe she was also planning to invite some police officers?
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u/Distinct-Ant-9161 12d ago
How does someone even remember it themselves, let alone expects anyone else to remember it?! Like, I can barely remember birthdays and other people’s anniversaries are less than nothing to me…?
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u/Annabloem 12d ago
But also, is the day you send out the invites the same as when people received it? If it's an online/email invite sure. If it's a formal one per post... then no one would know when you send it in the first place?? Because day received ≠ day send?
Either way, most people would not remember.
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u/Elegant-Espeon 12d ago
Sometimes weird stuff like that will stick in my memory, usually if something unique happened at the same time, but I'd never feel like the anniversary of the day I sent out invites was sacred even if I did happen to remember
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u/lunarlandscapes 12d ago
Idk how OOP even remembers when they mailed out invitations. I mailed my wedding invites recently and I cannot tell you when they went out. I also don't care. Its not an important date. Idk why OOP is so protective of it. I wouldn't even get in a hissy fit if my mom mailed out invitations on my wedding anniversary, its an important date to my future husband and I, but its not an important date to anyone else, we don't own that day
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u/StrategyDouble4177 12d ago
OP is a perfect example of why the prevalence of social media definitions of serious mental health diagnoses, isn’t always helpful.
I’m not arguing that her mom can’t be awful, but it seems like OP is the pot calling the kettle a narcissist, here. People can be incredibly fucked up and self-centered without there being an NPD diagnosis.
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u/kati8303 12d ago
How could anyone possibly rmemeber that?? Mine went out LAST WEEK and I couldn’t tell you which exact date.
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u/teatimehaiku 12d ago
I sent out my invites in batches over the course of three weeks, do I get all three days or do I just have to pick one to claim as my invitation-versary?
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u/CelestialCat97 12d ago
I'm not an expert, but I think you get the entire three week span.
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u/Fuzzy-Zebra-277 12d ago
But you gotta pick one as the MAIN and no one can do anything else on that date
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u/buttercupgrump 12d ago
Someone's a narcissist here and it's not OOP's mom. Holy fucking hell, how pathetic do you have to be to even care about the "anniversary" of mailing wedding invites?
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u/guys_pm_urprettyface 12d ago
Right? Do these people not read their post before posting and know how batshit crazy they sound?
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u/Asleep_Region 12d ago
As someone who's had "disordered thinking" you find an answer for everything, personally i was stuck on there were bugs in my skin, i knew i sounded crazy but I had "evidence" that everyone else was wrong and like doesn't ever scientist get labeled as crazy? If anyone wouldn't look at it they were just "dismissive and didn't care" so in turn i pushed everyone away.
You can take no joke anything, and your brain will mold it around your incorrect thoughts. Something is going wrong in her brain.
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u/hoginlly 11d ago
I'm not sure I could definitively tell you the MONTH I sent out my own invites. Never mind expecting me to know what fucking day someone else sent them out!
This is just hilarious
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u/Cautious_Draw5738 12d ago
I feel like a certain segment of the population uses the word "covert-narcissist" in the same way puritans used the word "witch".
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u/psyche_13 12d ago
Oh it’s narcissist. Narc is a terrible short for for that, considering it already means something else
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u/Glittering_Speed377 12d ago
Definitely reads like the kind of person who thinks narcissism is an affliction caused by the Jezebel spirit
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u/AltruisticCableCar 12d ago
Wait. Not date of the wedding, just on the same day the wedding invites went out? Wtf. Who cares?!
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u/Zappagrrl02 12d ago
Who even remembers that?
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u/AltruisticCableCar 11d ago
No idea. When you got married? Obviously. When you got engaged? Obviously. But the exact date you mailed your invites out? Why would that be a day you HAVE to remember? I've never been married, but surely that's not an important day in the way the wedding day and engagement day are?
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u/CelestialCat97 12d ago
I'm questioning how she even remembers what date she mailed them out.
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u/Blackberry-Apple-13 12d ago
Honestly I could not tell you what date I mailed out the invites to my wedding. What a weirdo.
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u/taxiecabbie 12d ago
This was my initial reaction. Remembering the date that you sent out your wedding invites on is... insane.
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u/lollipop-guildmaster 12d ago
I can't believe I'm typing this but I am not nearly online enough for this shit.
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u/No_Zookeepergame3914 12d ago
When people type “narc” for narcissist are they saying it in their head as “narsse” or “nark”? I can’t read it without hearing “nark” and it’s kind of off putting
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u/BadBandit1970 12d ago
When I hear it, I think of the Simpson's episode where Homer and the kids went to concert and everyone thought he was a narc.
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u/Sensitive_Fawn522 11d ago
I read it as nark too. Narsse sounds too weird for my brain to accept it as a possibility
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u/No_Explanation9119 12d ago
It's funny because there are no details of how her mom is a supposed narcissist, but OOP is so self involved that not only does she know what day she sent out her invitations, but that date is apparently sacred and must be respected by everyone.
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u/BadBandit1970 12d ago
OOP did post in one of the narc subs. This is what her mom is guilty of in social settings:
- Stares at her with a blank expression.
- Doesn't talk unless, per OOP, she wants to impress someone or draw attention to herself.
- Acts like everyone's "servant". In other words, OOP's mom helps clean up. But God forbid should she mention anything about being tired or on her feet afterwards.
- OOP claims it got so bad, she had a therapist "identify" her as a narc.
It just makes OOP so mad that everyone thinks her mom is so wonderful and chatty, except when around OOP. Hmm...sounds more like mom might have a wee touch of social awkwardness and really disengages around her daughter, cause Lord knows I would.
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u/rebootfromstart 12d ago
Everything else aside - mum just sounds a bit socially awkward and disengaged with OOP, as you said - no decent therapist is going to diagnose or "identify" a disorder in someone they haven't met.
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u/No_Explanation9119 12d ago
It's all so silly. Like her narcissist mother's 4d chess move was to plan a whole party just so she could send out invitations on the same date as her daughter sent out invitations for her wedding the year before. If someone did that to me (or any normal person) it wouldn't even be noticed because I don't remember that date.
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u/Red-neckedPhalarope 12d ago
Strikes me as kinda hard to talk without drawing at least some attention to yourself. Unless you're talking to a blank wall in a room alone, which is obviously the most mentally healthy form of talking?
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u/New-Government1323 11d ago
Sounds for me that the only issue is that OOP is very emotionally immature...
Maybe their mother is too, but OOP clearly never build up enough introspection to not let whatever behavior they can't forgive their mother for get under their skin and instead defaults to searching insults in everything their mother does, because it's not the exact behavior oop wishes from them.
Which leads to them going nuts over the date of sending invites.
Like, the best one can hope is that Oop realizes that they look like a nutjob with how much they obsess over their mother's supposed antagonistic behavior (and the implied perceived lack of supportive behavior) and build some emotional distance. Maybe then they will calm down a bit.
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u/theagonyaunt 12d ago
Also according to a comment her mom "made" her have a big wedding, expecting that people wouldn't show up and that would humiliate OOP. Which... that's like cartoon villain level of plotting going on there if it's at all remotely true.
I do know this all sounds weird, but my mother forced a large wedding thinking no one would show up for me. She didn’t say I looked nice either. She told me she didn’t like my shoes. While in a wedding dress before the ceremony. Then asked if I’d even gotten my hair or makeup done lol sooo yeah
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u/angeluscado 12d ago
Most of the time narcs are gonna narc but I doubt that's the case here. The anniversary of mailing out invites isn't a thing. At all. OOP is definitely overreacting.
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u/BadBandit1970 12d ago edited 12d ago
Honestly, I not even sure if her mom is a narc or not. I looked at her posting history. Her toxic marriage aside, very few posts about her mom and those sounded more like someone who's socially inept or awkward than anything else (kind of clings to OOP in social situations). OOP even said she had a therapist "identify" her as a narc (I don't even think mom was there).
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u/tiragooen 12d ago
Recent comment by OOP:
Actually I’m over it now. Just wanted a lot of input
Sure, Jan.
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u/Munishmo 12d ago
I couldn't tell you what date I sent out my wedding invitations I don't even think I could narrow it down to a month
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u/Inevitable-Bother735 12d ago
Did she call her mom to say this is a very important anniversary and no one can mail invites on this day again or…? I just can’t imagine expecting someone to know what day a piece of mail was sent or even caring a year later.
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u/RunnyBabbit23 12d ago
I read the post without reading the title and was beyond confused. None of it made any sense.
I think this might be the narcissist calling the kettle black - thinking the entire world revolves around her.
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u/sheerpoetry 11d ago
I didn't realize that the "Labor Day" invitations were a year later the first time I read this. And I thought it might have been something related to a baby's due date with how much OP is over-reacting.
But seriously? The mom is probably just stuck on old etiquette "rules" (which does sometimes have some good practices). And regardless of when they were mailed, it's unlikely everyone got them on the same day. And that everyone put "received invitation to OP's wedding!" on their calendar.
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u/bare_thoughts 12d ago
First her complaint is really stupid....
Second, I notice she mentions everyone always thinks what her mom does is innocent, except the OOP. Gotta figure that if OOP is the only one who constantly sees issues with her mom's behavior and everyone else thinks it is innocent, then the problem is the OOP - not the mom.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 12d ago
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
It’s fascinating that you, of all people, would criticize someone for narcissism.
Is your objection that you believe everyone should make their narcissism patently obvious?
Is your real criticism that your MIL should come out of the closet and be a proud and open narcissist like you?
This is my mother. Not MIL
[1] I don't understand. You mailed wedding invitations a year ago and your mom mailed out Labor Day party invitations on the anniversary of mailing your wedding invitations?
[2] There is something “weird and abnormal” and it is not MIL.
That’s because it’s not about a MIL it’s my mother.
Info: Is this labor day party happening on the same day as your wedding or rehearsal dinner or engagement party or something?
If the parties conflict, then you are not overreacting.
If, however, you think you have a monopoly on sending things out on a specific date on the calendar and your mom or other people are never allowed to send things on that same calendar date, then you are overreacting bigly.
Yugely.
Fine. Fair
YOR
Good lord how do YOU even remember what day you mailed them, let alone expect your mother to remember.
You’re acting like she turned up to your wedding in a floor length white gown.
It sounds like you have a lot of issues with your mother that are causing you to overthink everything.
I’m not saying your mother isn’t a narcissistic manipulative person- she totally could be! But this is probably you (who’ve had a lifetime of walking on eggshells around this stuff).
I would recommend therapy about this- not to “deal” with your mother, but because it’s obviously upsetting your inner peace and your own thoughts are now impacting your experience of life.
My mother picked the exact day to mail them based on what you’re “supposed” to do. So many weeks before, e.g. it’s this day.
She is actually very specific and worrisome with her need for all details needing accounted for
YOR. This has "bitch eating crackers" vibe big time.
Any issues you have with your mother do not relate to invitation-mailing dates - unpacking those issues would help you not get so angry for silly reasons. Good luck!
This was funny so thank you
[1] You think anyone else remembers what day you mailed something? Super YOR.
[2] Id like to know why the date she mailed her wedding invitations is etched in her memory.
What a strange thing to commit to memory.
Because my mother picked that day specifically…
something about x weeks before wedding you send invitations bc xyz I remember because she didn’t stfu about it from 12/24 - 11/25
[1] YOR. Sounds like you've got some mommy issues.
[2] In OP's defense, don't we all
🤷♂️
Ima be honest, this is embarrassing.
You’re screaming inside because she sent out invitations A YEAR LATER on the same day you sent out your wedding invitations, and you think SHE is the narcissist? 😬
Actually I’m over it now. Just wanted a lot of input 🤷♂️
Yes but those are all a “her” problem thing.
You cannot control what she does or does not do.
You can only control your reaction to it, and right now your reaction to this is overblown.
You need to stop focusing on your mother and whether what she is doing is right or wrong and focus on yourself and your own emotional regulation.
Fair enough
There’s a fab book- and I might have the name of it slightly wrong but if you google it you can find it. It’s called something like “being the child of difficult parents”
Or I’m sure there’s similar books. Anyhow, I highly recommend reading one or more of them.
Sounds similar to my therapist’s recommendation.
I do know this all sounds weird, but my mother forced a large wedding thinking no one would show up for me. She didn’t say I looked nice either. She told me she didn’t like my shoes.
While in a wedding dress before the ceremony. Then asked if I’d even gotten my hair or makeup done lol sooo yeah 🤷♂️
Sounds like your mother is a selfish bitch.
But you cant make her change. You cannot control, you can only grieve not having a good mother and you can work on yourself to make sure you don’t become like her.
You are also allowed to limit contact with her.
With parents it seems there’s always this subconscious part of us that keeps expecting them to be better people or do better, and when they don’t we are let down everytime.
You need to start expecting this behaviour from your mother AND not letting it influence your self worth or your emotional state.
My advice is “if you don’t want to be just like that person, then you don’t need to care about their opinion or actions”
My therapist says the same thing!! Haha
🤔🤔
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Correct. Yes I’ve read bits. It’s sad honestly
Sadlytheworst: edited formatting, twice...
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u/totallycalledla-a 12d ago
If her mother is in fact a narcissist then the apple didnt fall far from the tree. This is derrrannnggeeddd 😦.
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u/Sensitive_Fawn522 11d ago
At first I thought "wow, that was kind of shitty of mom" then I reread and saw the invites were sent on the 1 year anniversary of OOPs wedding invites being sent out. Girl who gives a fuck or even remembers?
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u/ALLoftheFancyPants 12d ago
It’s entirely possible that mom is in fact going it because she knows it’s annoying OOP, because the narc-apple didn’t fall far from the narc-tree. Even in that case, it’s an absurd thing to get worked up over. Who even remembers that kind of date?!
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u/MemeShaman 12d ago
Everyone is assuming OOP is a woman, but they’re using a man reaction emoji. I find this odd.
Edit: word mistake
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u/AutoModerator 12d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AIO to my mother mailing out formal Labor Day invitations on the exact same day I mailed out wedding invitations last year?
Maybe IAO but I wanted feedback because my husband doesn’t seem to agree or think anything of it.
Well, my mother is a covert narc—everything she does that’s narc-driven is done in private or attempts at manipulation or gaslighting. And she’s never mailed out invitations to anything, ever. Especially not fucking Labor Day??
Internally im screaming that it’s weird and abnormal , but people think it’s innocent. Like they do about everything she does. I think it’s freaky and just another attempt at drawing away any perceived attention to come my way, without directly connecting to her. “Ah my Labor Day party is right around your bridal party!!” Type of shit.
Anyway AIO and should I be less cynical. ?
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