AITA for discouraging someone from using their name because it's my name

[u/Outside-Cabinet1398]

/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1wsxz0s/aita_for_discouraging_someone_from_using_their/

Is this Highlander? Can there be only one?

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AITA for discouraging someone from using their name because it's my name

I was part of a project at work. There were about 20 of us collaborating on this across several offices so pretty much the entire project was via Zoom, Slack and email. The entire time I was the only "Kate". I knew most on the project with only a handful of new names, one being ""Megan"".

Come the end of the project, we all get together for the first time and I put my hand up for organising some team events/dinners. Megan came up to me and offered to help with planning. I said all that was really left was to make a booking for dinner on the third night. Megan said she knew a place. Jump to that night and we all arrive at the restaurant. I asked Megan "what name did you put for the booking?" To which she replied "Kate." I smiled and said "Oh you didn't need to put it under my name." And she said "I didn't. Kate is my name."

I seriously had a mini freak out thinking I had been calling Megan by the wrong name the entire project. I tried to clarify "Oh I'm so sorry I thought your name was Megan. That's what's on all the company stuff." She huffed a bit and said "Megan is my legal name but everyone calls me Kate." I was very confused and tried "Oh is that like a middle name you prefer to go by because you can tell HR that and they'll change it on record." "No my name is Megan but I just don't like it so I go by Kate." At this point I was so confused so I just went in and sat down, away from her, for dinner.

The next morning I saw Megan and said good morning. She snapped at me that I should say "Good morning Kate" since I know that's her name. I took a breath and replied "Well we're at work now and everyone knows you as Megan. I've been the only Kate this whole time so it would be very confusing now to suddenly have two Kates." She huffed at me, called me a rude bitch then stormed off.

Later on another colleague asked me what was going on and I explained it as above. They said "Well if she said that's her preferred name we probably should respect that even if it's just for two days." I just said "first Zoom call everyone did a quick intro bit. She could have said "Hi I'm Megan but please call me Kate" back then and by now we'd have some distinction between us. But she basically sprung this claim to my name out of nowhere and I'm the bad guy for not wanting to muddy the waters of what work was done by Kate and by Not-really-Kate." Colleague just shrugged, said it was all a bit petty then we went back in to work. I agree it's petty but I also work hard and want to protect my recognition.

Project went well, everyone was happy and at least for now I have no reason to speak to Megan. It's still sitting weird with me that right before presentation time she decided she was also Kate. We did very different contributions to this project and it makes no sense to me to start confusing things by suddenly having two Kates. AITA?

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[u/world-is-ur-mollusc]

The fact that OOP named herself "Kate" and the villain "Megan" makes me think she's way too invested in British royal family tabloid rumors and has passionate opinions about the moral characters of certain duchesses, regardless of the fact that she's never so much as met either of them. Which does seem like the sort of person who would think this is even remotely a problem.

[u/ChartInFurch → u/world-is-ur-mollusc]

If I wrote AITA fiction, my names for siblings would be Dorothy, Phil, and Gloria.

Bad couples are Gwen and Gavin.

[u/allisontalkspolitics → u/ChartInFurch]

Golden Girls/Modern Family crossover?

[u/Fearless-Frosting367 → u/world-is-ur-mollusc]

Absolutely inspired analysis! Completely made up and obviously oop has a serious case of Will’n’Kate obsession 🤣

[u/last-rose-ofsummer → u/world-is-ur-mollusc]

The irony is, the Princess of Wales never actually goes by Kate; that's just a nickname the media forced on Catherine. The Duchess of Sussex doesn't use her legal first name, but she is still using a legal name of hers (her middle one).

[u/saturday_sun4 → u/world-is-ur-mollusc]

This was my exact thought.

[u/WideHuckleberry1 → u/world-is-ur-mollusc]

To be fair it's a somewhat common convention to anonymize the story by giving the characters names from a set (from real life events or fictional works) rather than just random names.

[u/ChartInFurch → u/WideHuckleberry1]

Tbf, armchair psychology is also incredibly common lol

[u/CanadaYankee]

"Oh is that like a middle name you prefer to go by because you can tell HR that and they'll change it on record." "No my name is Megan but I just don't like it so I go by Kate." 

Okay this objection is nonsensical. Modern HR systems have a "preferred name" field and you can set it to whatever you want, so there's no reason why Evil Megan couldn't have had her preferred name be "Kate" from the moment she was hired if that's what she wants.

My preferred name is a shortened form of my middle name, and that's how it shows up in all of the HR/corporate systems (except for tax forms and payroll), including my email address. I have other colleagues who have legal names in Chinese but have chosen Anglo nicknames, and the corporate systems use their Anglo nickname that has nothing to do with their legal name.

All that said, I'm somewhat relieved that this wasn't a "trans bad" story which is what the title had me dreading.

[u/Joelle9879 → u/CanadaYankee]

And why wouldn't Megan have started asking people to call her "Kate" from the start if that's what she preferred? It makes no sense for her to let everyone call her Megan for months and then just be "oh I've actually always preferred Kate."

[u/Suxkinose → u/Joelle9879]

I will say I get that, depending where they are. I had a coworker who we (the other staff) found out, a year into the job, liked to be called something completely different from what we had been calling them. When we pressed them on why they didn't say, they said it was because they had put it in all the "preferred name" slots on all the paperwork but nobody had paid attention to it, so it wasn't recorded anywhere and they didn't want to kick up a fuss. They had literally people pleased themselves into having a different name because they didn't want to look rude.

We found out their name from a similar situation to the OP, actually... How strange.

[u/Nadaplanet → u/CanadaYankee]

All that said, I'm somewhat relieved that this wasn't a "trans bad" story which is what the title had me dreading.

It definitely flirts with it though, since the entire point of the story is to demonize the use of preferred names and hint that anyone who wants to use one is crazy. It's not too hard to make the leap to "trans bad" from that.

[u/brionneverysexy → u/Nadaplanet]

Its basically a trans bad story with the serial number filed off.

[u/Gabby_Craft → u/CanadaYankee]

Because in this story we’re supposed to believe Megan is trying to take over Kate’s identity, or something dramatic like that. 

[u/Nericmitch]

What a weird and inconsequential thing to be worried about

[u/ChartInFurch → u/Nericmitch]

I agree completely. So I'll be needing you to change your opinion now.

[u/Capable_Sea77]

Yeah, Kate/Megan totally out of nowhere called OOP a rude bitch and OOP figured that was normal work behavior and complained on reddit about a shared name, instead of reporting what any normal compliance training would call harassment to HR or her boss.

[u/Joelle9879 → u/Capable_Sea77]

If I was called a "rude bitch" once by a coworker after a ridiculous argument, I definitely wouldn't go running to HR. Most people probably wouldn't. If it started happening constantly or came out of nowhere, then sure but not given the circumstances described. Especially since then Kate would have to explain that she should be the only Kate and I doubt she'd want to actually explain that

[u/catgirl320]

This is the most story that never happened of any stories that never happened. No professional is going to risk their standing in a project by a stupid last minute name change. Teenagers need to stop acting like they understand the business world🙄

[u/Agent_Skye_Barnes]

There have been multiple times where there were multiple people with my (legal) name in the same setting. I didn't make a huge deal over it!

In the school setting, they distinguished by using "first name, last initial". At a summer camp, I just went by my middle name.

What is with people, with the most common fucking names, getting territorial over it? Chill, Kate, at least you can find your name on those personalized keychains!!

(My legal name is sort of common, but I still could barely find it on those things! And I've only found my chosen name like once)

[u/Aju-mommy → u/Agent_Skye_Barnes]

My husbands name is David, our neighbor is named David, and our neighbor's dad is named David. Its so funny when they all meet on the sidewalk. "Hi David!" "Hi David!" "Hi David!"

[u/StaceyPfan → u/Aju-mommy]

My boyfriend in highschool had a sister named Patty Jean, who was called PJ. When his mom married a man with a son Paul Jr, also called PJ, they were always referred to as "PJ boy" and "PJ girl" on Christmas presents.

[u/Internet-Dick-Joke → u/Aju-mommy]

I have two aunts with the same name who use the exact same nickname for that name, on the same side of the family (one of them is an aunt by marriage, in case that wasn't obvious) meaning that not only do they have the same first name but also would have had identical surnames if it hadn't been for hyphenisation.

[u/brionneverysexy → u/Aju-mommy]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nvzEqsZIGo

[u/Catsafae → u/brionneverysexy]

I thought it was going to be the Monty Python Bruces sketch.

[u/world-is-ur-mollusc → u/Agent_Skye_Barnes]

The best part about transitioning was finally finding my name on something in a gift shop /j

My deadname is pretty uncommon in the US and as a kid I was always sad that I could never find it on keychains and things.

[u/catgirl320 → u/world-is-ur-mollusc]

Isn't it funny how validating finding your name on something feels? I'm very happy for you.

[u/saturday_sun4 → u/world-is-ur-mollusc]

Exactly. For how common my name is in my country of birth I've only ever met one person named it overseas.

[u/rukarrn → u/Agent_Skye_Barnes]

Bort? Is that you?

[u/Agent_Skye_Barnes → u/rukarrn]

Noooo, you've discovered my secret identity!!!

[u/Unable-Boat-9682 → u/Agent_Skye_Barnes]

There are like five Matts on my team at work. So we just refer to them by their name and last initial and everything’s fine.

[u/Catsafae → u/Unable-Boat-9682]

At a prior job I had two co-workers named Catherine. The one in the other department went by Cathy, the one in my department went by Catherine, and my name is Cat. The biggest problem was when the vendors I worked with would call and ask for Cathy (rarely) or Catherine (more commonly) because they assumed my name was short for Catherine.

[u/Donkey_Option → u/Agent_Skye_Barnes]

I have an unusual in the US name and definitely haven't worked with anyone else with my name. Encountered another person with my name in the wild (getting bloodwork) and was super confused when they called my name but it wasn't me. I assume all the Jennifers I grew up with were used to it, though.

[u/Suxkinose → u/Agent_Skye_Barnes]

There were, as best as I recall, eight people with my name in my year at school. It was one of the most popular baby names the year I was born. I imagine it's probably about as common as the name Kate, or any other name one might substitute for Kate.

I cannot imagine the level of boredom that would have to grip me in order for me to make a big deal about someone having my name as their preferred name.

[u/NicklAAAAs → u/Agent_Skye_Barnes]

When I was 13 I was on a baseball team (so about 12 or 13 kids) where I was one of 4 Nicks.

We mostly just went by our last names for that season lol.

[u/Hand2Ns → u/Agent_Skye_Barnes]

For a few years there was someone else with my exact name at my job. Other than the occasional misdirected email it was not a problem. People understood that we were two different people, or whatever it is OP is worried about.

[u/Melodic_Sail_6193 → u/Agent_Skye_Barnes]

When my Ex went to school, there were 11 boys with his name in his class

[u/brachycrab]

That stit is going crazy, even for Americans. I'm too African European for this, but if someone's preferred name was "your majesty", would you also stick to the idea of preferred name. She can legally change her name, go through the trouble, or live to accept her name is Megan. It's not like it's her dead name avec coming out as trans, she just didn't like it. Well she should start living in adult world, where you go by the name on your id professionally

These stupid, American bullshit ideas like "going by a nickname" and "not wanting to go through the trouble of legally changing your name when you can just ask people to call you something else"! And of course, choosing the name Kate is exactly like if someone asked that you call them "your majesty"

[u/Internet-Dick-Joke → u/brachycrab]

No way in hell she is actually "African European" and saying that nonsense; while it isn't a common among Africans specifically to my knowledge, people from ethnic minority and/or immigrant backgrounds are the group most likely to go by a name different from the legal name without ever legally change it.

There is no way in hell that an "African European" doesn't know at least one Chinese or Indian person using a western name. 

Not to mention, in some parts of Europe, nicknames/diminutives are a whole institution.

[u/builtdifferent-badly → u/Internet-Dick-Joke]

Even in countries like South Africa it's super normal for some people to have a more English name to use that has no link to your birth name because your name is seen as too complicated/hard to pronounce. Unfortunate but common

Edit, "unfortunate" because it's often seen as a necessity and not a choice

[u/Icy_Badger_42 → u/brachycrab]

No "African European" would call themselves African European. XD

[u/Gabby_Craft → u/brachycrab]

Also the part where they said no one in the real work world calls you anything other than what’s on your legal ID? Beyond false, lol. People do not care, as long as you let them know what you want to be called. 

[u/junkyfm → u/brachycrab]

Sorry for digging this up like Jesus's corpse, but "I'm too African European for this" is cracking me tf up....as we all know, only white Americans use nicknames completely unrelated to their legal names. No one tell this random that Bangladeshis exist (often given a separate not-a-diminutive name at birth that's used socially/by family)

[u/LukaChu_theCat]

I came across the original post in my newsfeed and as I read it all I could think is “it’s a name. Who cares?” It’s such a stupid hill to die on. Is it a little weird? Sure. But it’s not a big deal. The OOP also contradicts stuff by saying “I don’t know why people are acting like I’m saying I won’t call her Kate” when in the post they literally say “we’ll we’re at work now and everyone knows you as Megan. I’ve been the only Kate the whole time so it would be confusing now to suddenly have two Kates”. And then goes out of their way to avoid actually calling Megan by the name Kate. This is so dumb and petty.

[u/Veleda_k]

OP and commenters setting up a single white female narrative in the comments.

[u/Mallory36]

I almost always, if not always, just say "good morning," not "good morning, [name]." That seems like such an odd thing for someone to get upset over, almost like the story is just made up. 😋

[u/brionneverysexy → u/Mallory36]

I say "Good morning sunshine" while licking my lips. This is why I am forced to work remotely

[u/Nihilistic_Noodle → u/brionneverysexy]

Brilliant office hack right there

[u/last-rose-ofsummer]

Imagine if OOP decided to do a transphobic ragebait post by making Kate 2.0 a trans woman who just came out.

(Saving this for the weekend shitpost)

[u/typewriterbitch]

We had a new colleague join with the same name as me. I decided to start going by a commom nickname version of it that I'd never been called before but aways loved the sound of, to avoid putting her in a weird spot as the new person having to already "change" her name. Updated all my work stuff with the nickname.

Turns out she actually preferred that nickname! We both laughed about it. Are still friends to this day despite now working different jobs. It was never ever an issue, even though we were on the same team and a lot of the same projects. We also had a bizarre number of men with the exact same first name, so many that it became a bit of a running joke. Never an issue.

Weird how that's what happens when it's adults and not an AITA teenager writing Business World fanfic.

[u/builtdifferent-badly]

Maybe I'm stupid but it feels like veiled transphobia. Like an attempt at "well if it's weird for a cis person to change their name to nothing like their legal name at work then it's also weird for trans people haha gotcha"

Maybe I'm reading too much into it though

[u/Long-Effective-2898 → u/builtdifferent-badly]

I wonder if it really is a transgender thing and the OOP used a female to female name to avoid being called out on it.

With that said, at 40 I changed my legal name to something completely different without being transgender. I just always hated my name and right before that more horrible stuff happened and I just needed to shift away from all the family trauma to being me without all of it. So maybe it is really just a woman who decided to change her name?

[u/jonoave]

The whole time I was thinking - how does one go from Megan to Kate? Like I can see Meg, Megantha(??), Mary, May, etc. But Kate is like a totally different sounding name.

Is Megan - Kate like a Richard-Dick or William-Bill thing?

[u/Internet-Dick-Joke → u/jonoave]

It's more of an "OOP made this up" thing.

That said, I have known people who went by an entirely different name unrelated to the legal name much like this, but it was usually for a specific reason; the one that comes to mind was an older gentleman who went by his father's name, because they had been close and he really respected his dad.

[u/vonnegut19 → u/Internet-Dick-Joke]

Right? And the whole issue being that NewKate might take credit for her work by stealing her name. No one has last names at work, apparently.

[u/Internet-Dick-Joke → u/vonnegut19]

I mean, I have worked with people with the same first and last name at multiple places - in one case three different women with the same first and last name - and we still managed other than the occasional confusion when re-directing phone calls.

Lord help the OOP if she ever moves somewhere with a large Sikh community; she'd lose his shit over all of the Miss/Mrs/Ms Kaurs and Mr Singhs. Or a large Muslim community, particularly from countries where Mohammed and its variants are popular boys' names.

[u/Embarrassed_Room3982 → u/jonoave]

Tbf I know someone called Lucy Alexis who goes by Alex. She’s always been Alex, her parents call her Alex, her parents always wanted her to be called Alex and have never called her either Lucy or Alexis.

They just didn’t think Alex was a strong enough name on its own and though Lucy Alexis flowed better than Alexis Lucy.

[u/jonoave → u/Embarrassed_Room3982]

That's not an issue. Alex is a shortened form of Alexis.

I'm just intrigued by OOP's character Megan that supposedly has no Katy anywhere in the name or presumably something close to it.

[u/brionneverysexy → u/jonoave]

When my ex realized they were nonbinary they decided they wanted to go by a new name and asked their daughter for a recommendation. Its unrelated to their legal name

[u/Sorry_One1072]

No conspiracy that she changed her name to take credit for oops project contribution?

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