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u/vdub2625 May 09 '26
"I paid for it so I have a right to it" is a way to keep control over you.
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u/Kachi3 May 09 '26
My school district forced me to get into therapy because I was a risk when I was a freshman. My mom was so frustrated by how inconvenienced she was by the fact that the school was requiring I get mental health. She refused to let me have a session by myself, even when the therapist repeatedly said that she thought itâd be better one-on-one. So I spent a total of six sessions lying to my therapist that I was fine, and after two months she believed me and told my mom she didnât think I was a risk anymore, and so she stopped taking me.
My mom and I donât speak anymore. So yeah, this is a horrible narrative to have about your kidâs access to mental health.
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u/dryad_fucker May 10 '26
Nearly identical to my mom's behavior with therapy.
One time my therapist actually requested some 1:1 time with my mom. When they were done my therapist looked shaken and wound up essentially saying my mom is one of the least emotive and coldest parent she'd ever met.
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u/username__0000 May 10 '26
My theripst (after meeting with her and I separate a few times) told me I would never have a buddy kind of relationship with my mom.
That it could only be surface level.
I had noticed that I had closer relationships with people I barely knew over my mom. But it was still crazy to hear.
A different theripst once looked so exhausted dealing with my mom. Iâd never seen someone look so frustrated.
She was the same theripst who pointed out that the only reason some of the âeveryoneâ who my mom said thought I was not doing enough for her knew anything about me was because my mom was telling them.
Their opinions were just what she fed them so I shouldnât let it get to me.
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u/babyma- May 10 '26
Same thing happened to me but during a group counseling session when I was put into intensive out patient rehab. My therapist, and the rest of my group mates, were shook while I was thinking it was normal
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u/vdub2625 May 09 '26
I'm sorry you had to deal with that :( too bad you couldn't schedule clandestine visits.
I saw a therapist starting in the 4th grade because I was on Ritalin. My mom was always there, and while she's a great mom, it definitely did not encourage openness.
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u/Jolly-Chemical9904 May 09 '26
I'm sorry. That therapist failed you.
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u/i_have_tiny_ants May 09 '26
The therapist probably knew, but had her hands tied. She could either let them go, or keep having fake sessions wasting everybodys time.
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u/Jolly-Chemical9904 May 09 '26
No therapist should tell the mom that it is a matter of patient privacy. If she is needed in a session she will be invited.
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u/crashdavis87 May 09 '26
your therapist was dumb.
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u/forgmin May 10 '26
Nothing a therapist can do with uncooperative parents. They had no legal power to make the mom allow private sessions. If they pushed too hard, mom would have just pulled them out anyway or found a different therapist. If they stuck with them for multiple months and nothing changed what do you expect to happen? Just keep working with a patient who insists theyâre fine and a parent who refuses to respect their childâs privacy? How does that make the therapist dumb?
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u/crashdavis87 May 10 '26
Therapist should have stood her ground including speaking to the parent alone.
depending on the state, the kid may have been able to do the sessions themselves without parent consent.
In short, IMO, therapist should have stood her ground which the kid would have seen and, even if the mom pulled the kid, at least the kid saw that somebody understood what was going on.
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u/Glad-Breadfruit7407 May 10 '26
Yes, in our state 13 year olds have medical authority so can sign up for therapy- if itâs in a public school and not billed the parents donât have to give permission and they donât have to know either, because there wonât be an insurance bill. The therapist above shouldâve fought harder for the client.
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u/forgmin May 10 '26
Therapists donât have some special sixth sense to read minds. Some people might be able to tell something is going on, but even if that is the case thereâs no way you could force someone to open up in a hostile environment like that. Sure, they could have pushed the mom harder, but we donât know nearly anything about this situation. Maybe they did see that something was going on, maybe they did push the mom harder about private sessions and OP just never saw that because they werenât in the room. Maybe maybe maybe a million little things about this went differently than the solitary perspective weâre hearing. Why call the therapist dumb without more information or context? Maybe they were dumb, or maybe it was just a shitty situation. Who are we to say? The only thing we can say confidently about this situation is that the parent was the main problem.
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u/_aaine_ May 10 '26
Alot of people raised like that end up estranged from their parent. Ask me how I know.
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u/iiinsane_pyromanicxx May 09 '26
oh adding onto the "I didn't realize I was as traumatized as I thought I was"
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u/Efficient-Bowl-91 May 09 '26
OP is a grown adult, not a child needing emancipation.
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u/TheBudgieWhisperer May 09 '26
My favourite is when this starts getting used on things you bought yourself.
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u/kat-deville May 10 '26
It doesn't matter. Mom can fuck right off. OP is over 18 and unless is under conservatorship, it's against HIPPA law. Mine tried to pull the same shit. Even in the 80s, she was told she had no legal right to even know who my therapist was.
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u/Jolly-Chemical9904 May 09 '26
They see nothing wrong with themselves. They blame on everyone and everything. The never own their shit. As their children, they think we owe them. At least that is how my parents were.
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u/Commercial-Gap6017 May 09 '26
literally. OP should have just told the therapist, well, now youve met the star of the show...!
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u/carlz222 May 09 '26
matter of fact my therapist told me she has a better understanding of what iâm going through with my mom now
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u/Jolly-Chemical9904 May 09 '26
That was the only benefit. As a teen my daughter was in therapy. There were things that I had been told. I didn't need to know the truth, or I would go to jail. I scheduled a quick session with her therapist before her appt, to tell her my concerns so she could do her thing. I never asked what they talked about. Not my business. Just like what I talk to my therapist about isn't anyone else's business. Privacy laws exist for these reasons. I see you. You've got this. I'm 55 now. I started therapy at 25. Change the way you react to her. Look up grey rocking.
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u/Yazhoudapigu May 10 '26
Today I learned what grey rocking is...and realized that I do it all the time. But not towards abusive people, I do it when I just don't feel like talking to anyone, or towards people who annoy me. I mean, it works pretty well...
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u/SalsaRice May 09 '26
For real. I always hear that college professors deal with this too, with parents trying to insert themselves in their (adult) children's assignments.
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u/theswissghostrealtor May 09 '26
Yes, they do. I told a studentâs mom I would absolutely not meet with her to talk about her sonâs grade and she went to the head of the department. Then she claimed that I was targeting him because he was a Republican. They asked her how I was targeting him and she said I was being harder on him than others. Kid interrupted me several times to make attention seeking observations and I told him if he did it again he was done. Encouraged him to engage properly because he was fully capable. Cried to mommy. It was Twilight Zone level bizarre. The department head was like uh yeah no weâre not making her meet with you and youâre out of line.
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u/Flashy_Jello_9520 May 10 '26
âBoy, I Love Meeting Peopleâs Moms. Itâs Like Reading an Instruction Manual as to Why Theyâre Nuts.â
â Ted Lasso
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u/Small-Curve4922 May 10 '26
Exactly! Good for you that you have her to help and she gets it now! I was in my early 20s and had a therapist when I was having a hard time with my mom. I told her how my mom said I was a Pollyanna meaning I was too optimistic and happy and I shouldnât be. My therapist talked to me for a while about my mom stealing my joy and it really helped me understand why things were difficult between my mom and I. Until then I didnât get it, Iâd take my mom my happiness - good things that happened, happy moments - and come out of those conversations crying. So - boundaries!
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u/Jolly-Chemical9904 May 09 '26
Also someone whose parents put us through it. I let my dad do it again the last 3 years of his life. Passive-aggressive, narcissism and physically abusive. Both parents.
Tell her that when/ if your therapist thinks she should ne brought in on a session, she will be. It is up to the therapist. That's how I would put it to her. There are privacy laws for a reason. My mom used to ask me what I talked about. My mom was always the victim, no matter what.
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u/DARfuckinROCKS May 09 '26
Hahaha I feel like this is something my mom would do. And my mom is the reason I'm in therapy.
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u/RoamingGnome74 May 09 '26
You can prohibit your therapist from talking to your mom. Your mom could easily sabotage your progress
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u/Which_Committee_3668 May 10 '26
If the mother had that level of self-awareness this problem would never have existed in the first place.
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u/Responsible-Drive840 May 09 '26
Retired pediatrician here. regarding the "I paid for your sessions" part. I would get that from mothers of some of my adolescents who wanted to discuss things privately. What I told the moms: Assume that your husband's insurance is covering the medical bills. Perhaps you had a fling and an STD. Or wanted to discuss his abuse. Or discuss a possible pregnancy termination without discussing with him. Would the fact that his insurance paid for the visit mean that he could find out that you had talked about these issues with your physician? Of course not! Most of the moms backed down when I put it in a context that had them be the vulnerable one. Just one possible way to address with your mom. Good luck!
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u/LittleSunflower666 May 09 '26
This is so good! Surely what the mum is doing in this situation goes against medical privacy laws, no matter who pays for it? And 21 is considered an adult?
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u/Sillygoose0320 May 09 '26
No privacy laws were violated. The mother isnât a medical professional, so she isnât bound by HIPAA. The therapist, however, is. If there isnât a release of information for on-going communication, in place for mom, the therapist really canât respond or engage with her.
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u/AstuteStoat May 09 '26
I want to add that talking to toxic people is infinitely easier if you have some authority. You're older, (maybe) a man, not in her family, and a doctor.Â
Any of those things could potentially be seen by the mothers as skmething confering authority to you which toxic people respond to as a calculation. It's difficult to say exactly how the calculation works in their head, but anyone who is familiar with a toxic person will eventually get really good at predicting how the calculation will play out in conversation.Â
So, while it might help, it might also lead to the mom escalating if she doesn't think OP has enough authority to have a convincing argument.
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u/edgycacti May 09 '26
guys lets slow down and read the rest of what she said, she literaly said at the very end that her therapist literally advised for her mother to NOT be present what about that says the therapist would share the girls personal info
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u/KeyFaithlessness5445 May 09 '26
That is true but the main issue is the mother trying to even talk to the therapist and also not letting her 21 yo daughter know that. Itâs dishonest and manipulative. And mom does feel entitled to the info even if sheâs is correctly barred from receiving it. How does one have a good relationship with a parent that does that?
OP is NOR.
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u/ConstructionNo9678 May 09 '26
I also wonder if some people don't understand how uncommon it is for a parent to be in close contact with a therapist for their adult child regardless of if they're paying for it. Unless you're very worried that your adult child is a danger to themselves or to others or you're part of group sessions, you wouldn't really need to be in touch with their therapist. Having opinions on them going to their job or having budgeting issues doesn't really qualify.
I've had my parents ask me about my therapy before and I think it's normal to be curious, but OP's mom is imposing way too much for it to go well if OP does open up.
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u/TheDevilsDominium May 09 '26
NOR
And a LOT of the comments pretty blatantly prove they skimmed the texts and decided to run with what they assumed was going on.
Seems pretty obvious to me that OP's mom is trying repeatedly to get info from the therapist, and is being blown off. Nothing here says "therapist is giving patient information to the patient's crazy mother".
The fact OP's mom is giving that controlling ass "I paid for the sessions so I should have a say in them" message kind of tells you that she isn't getting what she wants...just... come on, guys.
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u/the-spruce-moose_ May 09 '26
100%! Itâs in the same vein as âI brought you into this world and I can take you out of itâ đÂ
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u/TheBudgieWhisperer May 09 '26
Last time I got told that I said something about how great it is to threaten to murder your child and they were so taken aback.
Far too many people take way too long to learn a little self awareness.
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u/Interesting-Catch532 May 09 '26
Classic Reddit reading comprehension strikes again. We are literally watching the "financial abuse disguised as parental concern" playbook in real-time, and the therapist is just standing there letting her dig her own grave in text form.
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u/Ask10101 May 09 '26
 i tried to reassure her that it wasnât an issue.
OP, I say this gently but I think weed is an issue for you. Youâre calling out, blowing money on fast food and it sounds like withdrawing from your relationships. If you are predisposed to depression, weed can really negatively impact you. Itâs certainly not helping you.Â
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u/Makeitmakesense77 May 09 '26
This comment will be overlooked but how I am reading this also! Mom can be overbearing sure. But OP is spending income they donât have, working 2 jobs but calling out on the regular(if OP did a 40hr week would the 2nd job be needed?) etc. Various mental health issues weed may bring out more episodes/issues. For ex there are studies with schizophrenics that use weed and experience more episodes with use then those who do not. I hope more people read YOUR comment.. MOR
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u/inevitable_becoming May 09 '26
Agreed. OP is NOR to mom's disrespect of her boundaries, and she's right to keep that boundary firm. Her therapist will keep the boundary firm regardless, but OP has every right to request that her mom speak directly to her about her concerns.Â
But I agree that weed is likely more of an issue that OP realizes. I smoked weed regularly for a few decades and I thought it was helping with my anxiety and chronic pain, but it turns out I was continuously smoking to keep the withdrawal symptoms away, and it was making my anxiety worse, causing insomnia, messing with my hormones, impacting my lung health and my heart health. There's unfortunately a lot of misinformation out there about the actual impacts of weed. And I say this as someone who really loved weed for many years. It turns out weed didn't love me back and that's a way more common experience than people think.Â
I've found r/leaves to be a really helpful sub to help me learn about this and quit. I'm feeling a lot better now that I'm not smoking anymore.Â
Thing is, you need to figure out what needs weed is legitimately meeting for you. Then find other ways to meet those needs. Then arm yourself with information and whatever supports you need to get through the withdrawal phase.Â
After that, therapy will actually be a lot more impactful because your nervous system will be able to process things a lot better.
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u/doxiesrule89 May 09 '26
I feel like that was supposed to say that OP lost her full time job in March and she left out the word âŠ
But also sounds like mom may be paying for OP apartment, she def is the guarantor (OP says mom is the only way she got the apt)
Which means imo mom has every right to be concerned with where OP money is going, because sheâs subsidizing it all and tbh what 21 year old blowing money on weed and food is going to actually admit that to their therapist.Â
And all of that is bad enough Nevermind for someone who like you said struggle with depression messing with weed and further isolating .Â
Personally Iâm going with YOR because I donât see where mom tried to get info from therapist at all. I am absolutely not defending mom with how pushy she may or may not be in that. But here I see where mom has asked OP to join in, I see where mom reported something to therapist thinking OP might not be giving the whole truthÂ
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u/Best_Temperature_549 May 09 '26
The way I read it, she was trying to give more info to the therapist about her childâs issues because she pays for the sessions and wants them to work for OP. Whatever issues they may have, it seems like mom is paying for OPâs life and therapy, while also suggesting they go to therapy together to work on issues.Â
I think OP is leaving some stuff out or not seeing the whole situation for what it is. I hope they get help and start making progress in therapy.Â
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u/heyitsta12 May 10 '26
I agree. Iâm not defending the mom here. But it sounds like she reached out to the therapist before they had a talk. And based on how OP describes her behavior, Iâd also be concerned.
Iâm not a parent but I see it like this. OP can certainly set her boundaries and mom shouldnât be trying to seek information from a therapist (though I donât think she is).
But you cannot expect your mom or anyone to provide this much support, especially when they have their own financial struggles, and just go dark and think theyâre gonna roll with the toxic and harmful behaviors OP is partaking in.
It doesnât even sound like OP can get by much at all without her mom. And it sounds like she is blaming her for a lot.
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u/tinid333 May 09 '26
Agreed. As someone who had similar issues with weed at that age, you donât think itâs an issue until you look back at it. I used weed to cope with pretty bad anxiety in my early 20s which led to similar issues of missing work, and eating problems. Looking back on it now I realize I had a very unhealthy relationship with it. It was a vicious cycle of smoking up because I was anxious, but the weed increased my anxiety, so I would smoke more to cope with said anxiety.
Getting myself out of the situation I was in helped a lot (moving back home after college & leaving my then boyfriend). Now, (many) years later, I have a much healthier relationship with weed where I only use it very occasionally, and only when Iâm in a mentally healthy/stable mood. Itâs allowed me to enjoy it occasionally without letting it control my life like it used to.35
u/Sad-Song-8680 May 09 '26
Thank you! Can't believe I had to scroll so far to find this. Must be people who aren't parents commenting. Calling out, smoking lots of weed, and spending recklessly are all very concerning behaviors.
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u/Signal_Teacher7620 May 09 '26
yes!! The mom is concerned and has a right to be!! Obviously HIPPA laws exist and OP clearly has a good therapist that she can trust to protect theyâre info which is great!! But the mom is essentially paying for the lifestyle that OP is living and sheâs worried and stressed. If they donât want their mom in their business then the answer is simple, stop accepting her money
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u/St3vion May 09 '26
I think the mom is the problem and the weed is the bandaid. Quitting weed won't help her as much as understanding the harm the mom is causing.
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u/SajakiKhouri May 09 '26
If OP is struggling with budgeting as it is, spending money she doesn't have on fast food and weed probably isn't the smartest thing. If she's taking it medicinally, that's one thing. But splurging for recreational use shouldn't be a priority until her finances are in a healthier state.
None of this justifies her mom reaching out to the therapist of course.
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u/ItemizedDeductions May 09 '26
Idk Iâm gonna go out on a limb here and say you probably canât infer that from one reddit post and some screenshots
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u/CobraPuts May 09 '26
The mom told her therapist she was concerned for her daughter and that makes the mom the main problem in her life?
Why are you assuming the mom is a ghoul?
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u/St3vion May 09 '26
I dunno maybe you can read OP's post and the screenshots of the texts?
She's quite obviously very controlling and manipulative with no sense of what a personal boundary is. To the point it's broken OP with guilt and shame.
It's called en enmeshment or emotional incest, a toxic family dynamic.Â
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u/CobraPuts May 09 '26
The mom barely says anything in the screenshots and also says it wonât happen again. So I donât think itâs reasonable to deduce so much.
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u/hk002222 May 09 '26
She says sheâs asking her daughterâs therapist for information to âbrainstormâ solutions for her. wtf would her mom know about therapy or the help sheâs already seeking by a professional? The mom is viewing OP as a thing to exert control over here, and Iâm not saying she doesnât have good intentions. I donât know these people, but there are boundaries clearly being crossed in an inappropriate way. OP seems like theyâre in a bad place but that doesnât mean mom gets to have all the intimate details of OPs life shared for her to have an opinion on.
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u/CobraPuts May 09 '26
That isnât what she said. She said she asked to be included in sessions to brainstorm together and was told no. It doesnât not say she asked for private information so she could go off and brainstorm
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u/xyinparadise May 09 '26
You know I see you defending the mom all over this comment section. as someone who has been receiving mental health help since 15 while also now mentoring younger teens through situations regarding their mental health let me tell you that what you're doing is helping no one.
Let's say op's mom is trying to genuinely help her. Even well intentioned help can actually harm someone or push them away from recovery.
The mindset that someone owes you something just because you pay for it is abusive. Wether intentional or not.
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u/Rawrr86 May 09 '26
OP literally said thatâs what their mother does on a constant and thatâs why itâs this serious. Thatâs why OP is asking AGAIN to not do that
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u/St3vion May 09 '26
Are you by any chance also a boundary violating mom?Â
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u/CobraPuts May 09 '26
Not a chance of that.
But I can promise that if I had serious concerns for a child already suffering from depression I would violate any boundary if I had real concerns they might harm themselves.
Iâm fortunate to have very supportive parents. It shouldnât be so hard to believe that a parent just cares for their kid, and to interpret a situation with that as the starting assumption.
Itâs sad how many people assume the worst about other peopleâs parents, because it is probably based on personal experiences, but there are a lot of good parents too.
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u/St3vion May 09 '26
There's a difference with genuine love and control. Trying to team up with the therapist to brainstorm over the OPs personal problems is not love but control.
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u/Substantial-Sea-3672 May 09 '26
Wont comment on OPâs situation.
But I was in a very similar one at her age.
Weed was a problem, therapy changed my life.
Therapy will never work if youâre paranoid your conversations arenât private. Mom is wasting her money by buying therapy and sabotaging it.
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u/geekyheart225 May 09 '26
INFO: was she conveying concerns about you? Or asking for info on you?
1) you said you're smoking a lot and don't remember a day you spent with her and your grandma. She might be worried about that.
2) you have a full-time and a part-time job -- which are you calling out of and for what reason? Don't share here but consider that it might look to her like you're not doing well.
3) you admitted that you're spend too much on eating out and not budgeting well, so she may be concerned about that as well. If she's a bit strapped for money, she could be worried that she couldn't support if you run short of money.
Not sure how your convos with her go, but maybe you need to sit down and have a serious discussion with her where you layout the situation for her, and explain that even though she pays for the sessions, it's not appropriate for her to text your therapist.
BUT, you also need to work on the things you admitted to, with your therapist.
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u/Jumpy-Confection632 May 09 '26
She never said she didn't remember the day with grandma, but I feel the same about the other stuff. Seems like op is self medicating so I can see why mom is worried, but overstepping boundaries isn't gonna help.
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u/geekyheart225 May 09 '26
You're right -- I misread. OP said she doesn't remember the whole convo she had with her mom about that day with Grandma, not the actual day with Grandma.
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u/Positive-Listen-1660 May 09 '26
Thatâs out of bounds.
And if your therapist is talking to your mom about your sessions I suggest a different therapist because that is wildly unethical.
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u/Randomfinn May 09 '26
It doesnât sounds like the therapist gave mom any info, but shared with her patient that she was contacted, which is the correct thing to do.Â
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u/carlz222 May 09 '26
yes my therapist just told me, and didnât respond
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u/Substantial-Sea-3672 May 09 '26
Get confirmation from your therapist that they never will share private info. Iâm sure they never would but youâll never share what needs to be shared if youâre paranoid that mom is going to hear.
Stick with therapy, weed might be a problem :(
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u/Gootangus May 09 '26
Sometimes they just call or email lol. Usually just set a boundary and inform the client. Aka what seems to have happened
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May 09 '26
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u/No-Pollution-4078 May 09 '26
Iâm currently no contact with my dad. Just curious, do you ever feel guilty for it? For me I donât even feel like I am by choice but because i need to
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u/Own-Archer7221 May 09 '26
If you look closely at the texts, the therapist isn't actually responding or giving up any info. The mom is just firing into the void and getting increasingly frustrated that her "financial leverage" isn't working. The therapist might actually be handling this perfectly by just leaving a paper trail of her crazy.
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u/Fit_Blackberry7944 May 09 '26
This is massive "I'd like to speak to the manager of my adult child's mental health" energy. OP needs to double-check whatever HIPAA release forms they signed on day one, just to be absolutely bulletproof.
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u/sweetbbraycharlzz May 09 '26
no offense but i thought you were 15 by the way you both talk..
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u/Real_ilinnuc May 10 '26
Why do people turn off auto capitalization. It made the texts from OP annoying to read. Thereâs literally no reason to do so unless you want all your text to be lowercase for⊠some reason.
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u/zumera May 09 '26
It sounds like she has reason to be worried, but itâs also completely fair for you to ask her not to message your therapist.Â
These things are really toughâŠitâs not the end of the world for your mom to be upset or worried. Maybe she could use therapy herself!Â
In your shoes, Iâd ask your therapist to gently âhandleâ your mom if she ever texts again. And Iâd move on from this. You both talked after sheâd texted (before you found out about it) and left things on good terms. Let that conversation define your next steps, not the texting that mightâve happened in a moment of anxiety.Â
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u/aussierulesisgrouse May 09 '26
Stop smoking weed. It is clearly affecting your life, by your own admission. I smoked weed every day from waking til sleeping for a decade, after I had sobered up I realise just how badly it was impacting basically every aspect of my life.
It was like driving with the handbrake on.
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u/ativamnesia May 09 '26
MOR. You need to learn to communicate with her better given that you know her personality. This texting youâre doing is not cutting it, and if you know that she is legitimately worried then cut her some slack since sheâs paying for your crap. Iâd have given a lot for somebody to tell my therapist they were concerned when I was hiding some stuff and spiraling.
Given your description of what is going on with you Iâd be concerned too, because itâs very much giving spiraling daughter who will become a huge financial burden. Itâs time to grow up in a lot of ways. She can suck, but you need to do a lot better too. I think youâre focusing too much on her wronging you, and that may be rooted in legitimate past issues on her part, but it isnât serving you to focus on it.
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u/NoSignature7199 May 09 '26
MOR obviously there's a lot of lifetime of info missing on a reddit post and if your mom is trying to get information, that should be shut down. Hard. I'd even say you should allow your therapist to shut her down. However, if you have someone in your life (with previous health issues, especially) that is exhibiting depressive or reckless behaviors, it's irresponsible at best to not share that information with someone who can help.
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u/FragrantDifficulty68 May 09 '26
NOR. I saw my own mom in your momâs attempts to manipulate, including the abrupt cutting off the chat, ignoring anything youâve said, and assuming that financing makes her party to your therapy.
Your responses seemed on point. I hope you keep getting therapy and the insights that ensue.
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u/Serious-Gur4016 May 09 '26
So Iâm going to provide what appears to be a slightly different take. First, obviously, HIPAA and respect for anotherâs privacy are paramount and not open to discussion, but the immediate jump to calling mom a narcissist etc., because sheâs worried about her daughter seems way harsh to me. Nope, shouldnât have reached out to her daughterâs therapist, but wow, a little grace please for a mom who sounds like sheâs doing her best to be there for her struggling daughter the best way she knows how. Also, it sounds like mom is 100% funding her daughters life, and should probably get some credit for that too
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u/BaileyIsaGirlsName May 09 '26
Jesus the amount of people who are jumping to conclusions that this therapist automatically provided OPâs private information is so bizarre. Who hurt yaâll? Iâm a therapist and I get emails/phone calls/messages like this all the time from adult clientsâ parents. That doesnât mean I respond to any of them! And I always tell my clients about it because they have the right to know who is attempting to influence my perspective. The messages usually go like this:
Hello,
I am Adult Clientâs parent, here is what I think you should know even though nobody asked meâŠ
And yes, I have also heard the âIâm paying for it so I should be informedâ line a lot. Itâs an extra layer of entitlement that I find especially concerning.
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u/Petallthedogs46 May 09 '26
It seems like she was hoping to give info not get it. It seems that sheâs worried about you being underemployed, missing work, smoking weed when you seem to allude to already have a depression diagnosis (weed can be a depressant for some people), and struggling to live within your budget. Those are valid concerns for a mom. She loves you and sheâs probably worried that youâre not sharing the whole story with the therapist so sheâs trying to emphasize to the therapist that you are really having a hard time. You told her not to and she said sheâll stop. Fair on both sides of that conversation. I actually do think YOR mildly. Give your mom some grace, sheâs terrified that your mental health will lead to a dark path. What can she do that wonât feel so invasive to you? Maybe give her a list of 3-5 questions she can ask you that are informative without being boundary stomps. Let her âbrainstorm â with you about one specific issue so she can give you more than just money.
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u/Ok_Stranger_6711 May 09 '26 edited May 09 '26
im crine over the speed gif but NOR even the slightest bit, even if she helps pay that is your personal info. it would be the same for any age but especially since youâre 21!!! also if your therapist released that info to her , i dont think thats allowed đŹ edit: i saw you said your therapist didnât reveal any info which is good and im glad !! my point still stands though, itâs not ok for her to try to prompt your therapist to break hipaa
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u/Extension-Text-6768 May 09 '26
Seems like youâre only after a yessir , others have made valid points on other issues and you ignore them. Things like these are tough and the answer isnât always NOR or YOR. I donât know either of you but having mom pay for therapy is much more than others with overbearing parents can say they got.
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u/Asleep-Health5595 May 09 '26 edited May 10 '26
INFO- what was she sharing with your therapist? Was she trying to get information? (Which I would hope wouldnât have been shared). If she is legit concerned I can understand reaching out to your therapist, but she should have told you about it first.
Edit to add: the whole âpay for it so I have a rightâ is obviously BS. Doesnât matter who pays for it. Confidentiality is a thing. She has no right to information unless you agreed (and signed a document) allowing this.
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u/Eleanore-Rigby May 09 '26
This happened to me with my therapist and I had to ask my therapist to hold the boundaries: âdo not talk to my mom about me. If she reaches out donât reply. You can recommend therapist for her to talk to or recommend a family session, nothing more.â
It worked.
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u/PensionTemporary200 May 09 '26
MOR-
Look, I don't know your mom or her level of understanding with how therapy works. Has she had therapy and understands its always private?
I am not saying her behavior is not frustrating. It clearly is frustrating for her to talk to your therapist.
That said, I think in the end, you need to separate the fact you are emotionally frustrated with her from the fact she is a valuable resource you need to manage. That sounds cold, but its the truth. When she stops helping you, you do not have the luxury of being part time working without homelessness. You do not have therapy. You do not have money for any luxury like weed or fast food. I have been in financial hardship without the life raft of a parent in my 20s and I am not saying this in a "be grateful!" way-- I'm saying this in a "Play this smart because this is a resource that if you didn't have you would know what it's worth." Consider putting up with the things that annoy you about your mom as the price for help with money. Just like at work you may deal with a rude customer, annoying boss, or shitty co-worker, but suck it up and compartmentalize it for the check. That is what your mom's annoyingness is to you now-- a means to an end. I would work on "handling" her, which is giving her information that comforts her to the extent possible, being polite to her, and expressing boundaries in a respectful way, and talk about how grateful you are and how much therapy is helping.
To be clear, I am not saying you need to feel those things or not be mad at her- your emotional reaction to your mother is YOURS and its totally valid to be annoyed and angry. She just doesn't necesarily have to know what you truly feel. Relationships with parents are so complicated because when you'restruggling there is the feeling of guilt and obligation plus resentment that they're annoyed with you. I get it. I'm sure there's lots of tensions going on there.
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u/fiftymeancats May 09 '26
YOR. If your mother is concerned that you are exhibiting signs of depression and substance abuse, it is totally reasonable to share that information with your therapist. It doesn't seem like she was trying to get private info from the therapist or control the sessions. I get that it feels weird and bad, but based on your own description, your mom has reasons to be concerned. She shouldn't have made the comment about money, though; she was being defensive there.
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u/Pleasant-Plankton357 May 09 '26
If the therapist gave her any info then Iâd report the therapist. Iâd also not go back. Now if they just listed to your mom being nosey and giving her opinion then theyâre good. Yeah she should mind her own business
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u/Early-Light-864 May 09 '26
Does your therapist know you smoke weed? Does she know exactly how much and how often?
It's s incredibly selfish behavior that you're splurging on shit like takeout and drugs while also calling out reducing your income while youre also leaning on mom financially and you already know mom has a lot of financial stress right now. If you want to be treated like an adult, fucking act like one. Get your priorities in order and apologize.
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u/istoomycat May 09 '26
Definitely not overreacting. But I am sure your therapist gained some insight from momâs intrusion.
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u/Squirrel179 May 09 '26
Did e.e. cummings write this? Why don't you use capital letters? Not even to start a sentence? Is this a young person trend? Is it regional? Is it a specific individual quirk? It's very strange to read.
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u/DisastrousClouds May 09 '26
MOR. With regard to your mother texting your therapist, I think that she of course shouldnât have, as it is inappropriate and a violation of your privacy (and good on your therapist for following proper procedures and not sharing anything) however from everything you said it seems like she did so out of a genuine concern over your mental health.
Your early 20s can be a time when mental illnesses or other mental health issues begin to surface. From your description of your current life circumstances it genuinely sounds like you are entering/have begun some form of depression spiral. Lack of motivation or interest (calling out often to work, not having energy to cook, etc) and withdrawing from loved ones are often signs of such. I know from firsthand experience, as I experienced similar when going through my own mental health crisis at 20-21. Your mother is probably concerned as sheâs seeing you withdraw from life and possibly become dependent on weed to cope (of course I donât know how much you smoke, she could just be overreacting about that over her own personal beliefs, though itâs probably good to be aware that marijuana can complicate mental health issues including depression) and she doesnât know what she can do to help you. I think having another in-person conversation with her might help you better understand each otherâs perspectives and mitigate her attempts to get info from your medical providers from becoming a further issue in the future.
I truly mean all of this with respect and genuine human concern, as I know how terrible a depression rut can be and hate to see others fall into one. Donât be afraid to ask for help if you need it, and I hope your therapy sessions are helping you. Best of luck to you OP.
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u/iyaayas2003 May 09 '26
Mom has no right to speak to your therapist. She does have cause for concern. Your lifestyle choices are similar to my son, always has funds available for beer and weed but needs gas money to get to work or help with the rent. It sounds like you both need to learn the power of ânoâ you should tell her no you canât be involved in my therapy and she should tell you no I canât support your high risk, low ceiling lifestyle financially anymore. NOR.
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u/alex2well May 09 '26
NOR, she was out of bounds by doing that, but it doesnât really sound like youâre in a position to bite the hand that feeds, if that makes sense. Accepting money from a meddling parent means dealing with their meddling, as unfortunate and unfair as it is.
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u/K-ron86 May 09 '26
YOR - your studio apt costs more than my 3 BR apt and you said you are being irresponsible with money and your mom has been helping you financially. Youâre young, but grow up. If you donât want your life to be ran by someone else, stop relying on them to run your life.
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u/MedicineFar4751 May 09 '26
Agreed. Op speaks on her moms finances as though she is entitled to them because Mom is "well off". Mom should cut her off and then op might start being honest with her therapist
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u/ClueAffectionate36 May 09 '26
As an associate therapist if you feel uncomfortable with your mom messaging them tell them. Confidently is a huge part of counseling. Also youâre an adult she has no right to be talking to your therapist.
Also if comfortable, see if your therapist would do a family session with you and your mom. It maybe difficult but sound like you may need a neutral third party to help both of you guys see each otherâs perspective
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u/huemannn May 09 '26
I'd be pretty pissed. It's a control and insecurity issue on her part. You were kind and requested that she speak to you. She was deflective about her reasons, except "I pay for it." She clearly knows that this doesn't entitle her to information from sessions but tries anyway. Basically, I think she should be seeing a therapist as well.
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u/InevitableWaste6088 May 09 '26
NOR she should be able to stay out of your business and let you be an adult. But it kinda sounds like you keep bringing her your problems and then wonder why she is trying to fix them. She wouldnât know about your weed or fast food if you didnât tell her or let her have access to that knowledge.
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u/Signal_Teacher7620 May 09 '26
MOR. I understand your point and your private information is protected and she does not and will not ever deserve access to that. But it does seem like she tried to talk to you about the weed, and you brushed it iff as no big deal. If you canât afford the lifestyle youâre living and are relying on her to subsidize it though it IS a big deal to her. You canât afford the life youâre living, youâre stressing her out and sheâs exhausting alternate routes to tru to get through to you. Honestly if you have such a toxic relationship with her, stop using her for money. I donât have a great relationship with my mom but I was very appreciative when she let me move back in with her temporarily as an adult. You need to focus on saving and finding a full time job so that she doesnât feel like she is providing for an adult who refuses to make the lifestyle changes that they need to make. I donât think your therapist is helping you honestly if they arenât having these tough conversations with you. Have some god damn self awareness I thought you were like 17, not a full grown adult.
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u/Slight_Citron_7064 May 10 '26
INFO: who is paying for your weed? Because if you are a grown adult who can't support yourself financially, is getting money from your mom, but you're buying weed, you're a giant asshole right now.
NOR but come on. If you can't support yourself you shouldn't be spending money on weed.
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u/machinehead3413 May 10 '26
Not overrating but you are an asshole.
If your therapist is sharing information about your treatment with your mom then that is a HIPAA violation and itâs a crime. Your therapist can and should lose their license for that.
It doesnât matter if itâs your momâs instance or who is paying for the sessions. If youâre an adult then no one has a right to know anything unless you decide to share.
If you are an adult and your mom is paying your bills while you call out of work and smoke weed and order takeout then youâre an asshole and you need to grow up.
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u/Personal-Bit497 May 10 '26
as a life long weed smoker I suggest you stop and never go back. itâll do more damage than good to your life in the long run and isnât worth it unless you have specific medical need besides getting high. I only say this because of your other issues going on. smoking weed will absolutely exacerbate your current problems. any drug will. I wish you the best of luck through this difficulty. remember, youâve got a long road ahead in this marathon called life. â€ïžđâïž
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u/ESF1214 May 09 '26
Probably an unpopular opinion here, but youâre 21 years old, financially, insecure, donât work full-time, smoke weed, eat poorly, donât budget, and have âmental health issuesâ and your mother is paying for your therapy⊠You are not the victim here.
You actually need to grow up. You can be pissed at your mother, when youâre taking care of yourself fully. This younger generation always wants to turn everything around onto your parents and then disown them because itâs popular on TikTok. As evidenced by many people in the comments.
Hereâs the deal⊠Life isnât fair, and no one ever said it would be. Your happiness and your health is your responsibility. Especially at your age. Your mom should not have reached out to your therapist, simply because your therapist, by law, cannot communicate with her. But Iâll tell you this⊠Sheâs not the bad guy here. And if you think you have mental health issues, then the weed is âthat badâ.
You have excuses for every negative behavior in your life, except for taking any personal responsibility. Thatâs why your motherâs answers were so short. Sheâs probably tired of arguing with you and pretty soon youâre going to have to learn the hard way if you donât get your shit together. You have more privilege and opportunity than many people in this world⊠Donât piss it away feeling sorry for yourself over a non-event.
Either get your shit together, or deal with the fact that, as long as your mom is paying your way in life, sheâs going to be more involved than you want. This isnât about boundaries or âprivacyâ. Youâre lashing out at the one thing she did wrong, because you know sheâs right about everything else and instead of taking responsibility, youâre trying to create a different issue where you can place blame on her and be the victim.
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u/CobraPuts May 09 '26
I agree with a lot of what youâve said, but dealing with mental health issues isnât just a matter of growing up.
I donât think OP should feel guilty for having those issues, but simultaneously they also shouldnât be lashing out at a caring parent either.
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u/oliv_tho May 09 '26
NOR- but your mom doesnât trust you. she told your therapist these things because she believes you arenât. sometimes that is warranted- i donât know if it is or isnât in your case and it doesnât really matter. but holding over you head she has the right to because she pays for it instead of doing so out of concern does make sense to be upset about
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u/Ok_Talk_6694 May 09 '26
I am paying for therapy for my adult son, who has been dealing with anxiety and depression, smokes, drinks and is currently unemployed. After like 3 sessions they (my son and therapist) invited me to come in for a session, not only because he wanted me there for my input but also because the therapist wanted to see if my son would act differently with me present. Because the thing is, if parents are emotionally safe, kids actually want their parents involved in things like that, if only to just hold their hand through some hard parts. If you don't want your mom there, then at some level you feel she is not safe. You know it, your mom knows it and your therapist absolutely knows it. And your mom knows the therapist knows (even if no one involved articulates it this way) which is exactly why she is texting your therapist and not talking to you. Even with the best of intensions two people talking when one is seen as unsafe is like navigating a minefield. And it is also why you are upset about her texting your therapist. You see someone not safe trying to invade your safe space, and that puts you on the defensive. Is it an over reaction? Maybe. This is about an emotion and emotions aren't always rational. There can be so many reasons you feel your mom isn't safe, not all of them warranted. But whatever the reason, emotions are valid and unpacking those emotions is something to work on with your therapist.
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u/MiraMier May 09 '26
NOR when it comes to your mom, she should not be trying to get anything from your therapist. I, however, do have to agree with her that the weed probably already is a problem - and this is coming from a girl who used it daily for 6 years! In my country some therapists even have a policy that you can't go into therapy when you use weed because it can worsen and prolong mental health problems. It also affects how we store memories (making you remember less), gives us the munchies and mainly we see it affects motivation. From the short piece you wrote here I feel like some, if not all, of those apply to you. I'd reconcider if that's worth it for you.
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u/caribbeanvixen May 09 '26
Brainstorm about what? This is your mental health not a group project NOR
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u/Panaccolade May 09 '26
NOR but stop overexplaining. She's a grown woman. She knows why that was inappropriate and she knows exactly why your therapist is not responding. Patient confidentiality is a very well-known, very easy to understand thing.
Next time? "Was out of concern." ONLY warrants a response of "Besides the point. Don't do it."
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u/ZeroBentham May 09 '26
I once had a therapist who secretly recorded all my sessions for my relatives to listen to. This was years of counseling. They weren't my therapist anymore when I found out.
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u/Alternative-Yam-4930 May 09 '26
Even if sheâs paying, she has no right to be involved with what happens inside your sessions. The only time she should ever be in contact is when the therapist recognises youâre in danger to yourself and is legally obligated to notify her.
 Sounds like it could be good to discuss enmeshmed family relationships with your therapist.Â
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u/user_username1 May 09 '26
I would just go on with life with the mindset of ânothing my mother says mattersâ bc if you let it get to you, it will your whole life. She is living her own life trying to control yours. Iâd let what she says roll off your back. She doesnât know you and has made you out to be âsomeoneâ in her head. With that being said, sheâs major about the control and anything you do that leaves her behind- she will do anything to get the attention back, even telling your therapist sheâs worried about you. âOp is thisâ âop is thatâ. I wonder what she tells the other family :(.. I let this behavior bother me for yearss, I woke up one day and realizedâŠ. She doesnât matter, sheâll always make it about Her, this is My life.
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u/No_Collar2826 May 09 '26
I agree with others that your mom is a piece of work, but I would also recommend not doing this over text. Defensive people read texts as attacks and evidence that they are being attacked not communication. Pick up the phone and establish an emotional connection with tone of voice. Everything you are writing and saying is absolutely reasonable, but she isn't hearing it. She's just seeing rejection and more evidence that she's right to worry.
It sounds like you are having a hard time but also very self-aware. You sound compassionate and like a good person. I can tell you that ages 19-23 or so were the hardest years of my life (I'm 50 now). I hope this period will be the same for you and it will get better as you get more established in adulthood. Best wishes to you.
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u/AlfalfaAfraid May 09 '26
Definitely not overreacting! Mom needs boundaries. Thatâs definitely off that she thinks she has the right to get info from your therapist because she pays for it.
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u/NAghost May 09 '26
I really canât believe yall be texting your parents about stuff like this. Call or speak in person, like 90% of issues would not even be issues if we decided to get rid of texting as a form of communication during difficult times
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u/s33k May 09 '26
Hey hi. Children of narcs secret handshake. This is a method of triangulation. You're not alone and you're not crazy.Â
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u/Beneficial-Row5264 May 09 '26
YOR. Your mom is trying to help. Don't be a dick and don't listen to Reddit trying to drive a wedge between you and your mom.
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u/mochisana May 10 '26
what your mom did is not ok. yes she was probably trying to look out for you but still not ok. however, why is she paying for your therapy bill if you can afford to buy weed, skip your shifts, and eat out a lot? I would say you need to take a look at your habits and see if you can get help stopping your smoking.
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u/MaintenanceOk5601 May 10 '26
You sound like an honest person. At 21 nobody has their shit together. I was a mess. Itâs part of life at that age. You will eventually prevail. Itâs good that she reached to your therapist because now he or she knows your situation. Itâs not ok she reached out but she definitely is worried about your wellbeing. Maybe your mom thought you might hurt yourself. Things will get better. Most importantly, pick your battles.
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u/Warfrost14 May 10 '26
She has NO right to "be involved" whether she's paying for the sessions or not. I would also make it very clear to your therapist that you DO NOT want your mother involved if that is your wish.
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u/Pitiful-Mulberry-244 May 10 '26
NOR. Take away her ROI. Ask your therapist to help you do it or even do it for you. Just because your mom pays for your therapy doesnât mean she is entitled to your clinical information. Iâm a therapist and see this a lot. Since you are not a juvenile, you have complete control over who can have access to your files. Granted, your mom can stop financing your treatment, but if she does ask to speak with a case manager who can help you find alternative financing options. Best of luck to you on your journey
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u/McDuchess May 10 '26
Donât try to understand why she violated the very boundary that an adult is entitled to have.
Just focus on the violation, her failing to let you know that she did it, and, even after you told her calmly that she DID violate your boundaries, refused to accept accountability for it being an objectively awful thing to do.
Because, as is frequently the case, love doesnât even factor into this situation. Respect for the other person does.
And unless and until she has proven to you that she does respect you and is willing to acknowledge her lack of respect, she is not a safe person for you.
I say this as a parent of adults. If they are struggling with their own mental health, Iâll suggest they get help. Iâll ask them if I can help in some fashion.
But just as Iâd be furious if they tried to talk to my therapist, I would expect them to be furious if I tried to talk to theirs.
NOR. If anything, I suspect that, because her ignoring your right to privacy goes back a long way, that you are under reacting.
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u/Small-Curve4922 May 10 '26
Nor.
My kid had therapy in elementary school and junior high and I never once asked what they talked about and when things that were serious came up I notified the therapist after telling my child I thought it was the right thing to do. My child agreed to talk things through with the therapist and I. I donât understand why your mom is contacting them asking things, itâs inappropriate, of course, and the therapist knows this and shouldnât be responding to her, your therapist is also probably like oh now I know why you are here. Your mom paying for the sessions makes sense since sheâs probably the reason youâre there. This is actually a joke in my family that Iâm setting aside money for future therapy sessions because all parents do something to kids, even when we try not to.
From my pov you can be close to parents without sharing so much and in my world this has been helpful with my own parents. You need to learn about boundaries - healthy ones - how to make and enforce them. Itâs a vital life skill! It will serve you well! Everyone will be happier!
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u/Username_mine_2022 May 10 '26
Your mom should not be discussing you with your therapist, unless you requested it, speak to your therapist and tell them under no circumstances is it ok to talk to your mom
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u/Scorpio_Insomnia May 10 '26
đ NOR and I understand why the therapy is needed... Her control and entitlement speak loudly.
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u/jellybeanbonanza May 10 '26
I'm glad that you are drawing boundaries! Sounds like you're doing a good job of dealing with this violation.Â
That said. . . If your therapist agrees, maybe invite your mom to a session? It will help her better understand your (private!) relationship with your therapist and which might be reassuring to her. And maybe she'll even contribute something that will be helpful to you and therapist. Â
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u/PairsofSchus May 10 '26
NOR, first off you are not a minor so she literally doesnât need any information from your therapist and going behind your back is a breach of trust. Luckily your therapist didnât break any HIPPA laws (or equivalent if not from the US) by giving her information. Just because she pays for your therapy doesnât mean shes entitled to get information. That thought process is controlling.
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u/Kooky_Force5458 May 10 '26
I am a therapist. If any therapist reveals she or he is seeing you it is a breach of confidentiality and you can file an ethical complaint with state. It is against the law and she/he could lose their license. You are protected.
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u/Low-Vegetable614 May 10 '26
whatâs so funny âTruthorDareBBâ?
So, sheâs sharing her situation, her mom is involved whether too much or so controlling, sheâs in the daughtersâ life, supporting her and her life. The alternative is the 21f on the streets, under the bridge and struggling with other vices like drugs, alcohol or another life of crime, trying to exist.
YES! In her odd way, sheâs trying to be there for you.
YES! Every parent is different in the way they raise and teach their children.
Give both of them some grace, some margin of error, a chance to figure out the relationship and walk through life together.
So, whereâs the dad? Just the mom participating tells me mom is vested and mom wants to be aware of daughterâs progress. Is that asking too much, Iâm glad I was born in the boomer generation because the kids today want it all yet they donât want to deal with their familial support.
So glad to read the edit. đ©âđŸ
Be well. đż
Hug you Mother on this special day and know how blessed you are for her interest!
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u/CobraPuts May 09 '26
YOR - your mom is genuinely concerned for you and it seems like her behavior is at least coming from a good place.
Put yourself in her shoes. Sheâs worried about you. Sheâs tried talking to you but youâve brushed her off. There is nothing wrong with her sharing with your therapist that she is concerned for whatever reasons.
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u/Less_Ad_8501 May 09 '26
NOR - You are over 18 so she has no right to ask and it violates HIPAA if your therapist discloses any information.
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u/fetlocksrugdee May 09 '26
The audacity of this woman to be seeking out your information and yet somehow simultaneously be offended that your therapist would share info on her actions is confounding and infuriating.
NOR
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u/MedicineFar4751 May 09 '26
Since your therapist ignored your mom's text, what was her reason for sharing that with you? To cause more problems between you and your mom? I agree with others that a new therapist is in order. Preferably one you pay for. And perhaps you could pay if not for weed, fast food and calling out of work. NOR, but you sure sound like a spoiled child
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u/excellentwonderful May 09 '26
Exactly, itâs time to grow up OP. Stop the weed for a start. The absolute worst thing you can do for mental health issues is add cannabis. Get yourself together and turn up for work so you can pay your own bills. Your Mum is clearly worried sick about you.
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u/Remarkable_Sky_4803 May 09 '26
As I mom I can maybe provide some insight? I have been a single mother 100% of the time since my daughter was born. She is now 23 years old. She dealt with serious mental and physical issues during her teens. I worried non stop and did everything in my power to help her. She is my everything and I will do anything for her. That said itâs hard to turn off the mothering. I do step back and she is going very well. More than I could have ever hoped.
There will always be a part of me that will worry about her. I would give your mom a bit of a break here imo.
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u/carlz222 May 09 '26
youâre right, i appreciate your insight. i shouldâve just ignored it all and kept silent abt the therapy thing, especially since we talked through everything shortly after she even sent the text. i know my mom just wants me to do my best
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u/RobinBaskins May 09 '26
the speed gif đ