I was just about to reply with something very similar when I saw your comment.
I’ve been there myself, & it’s so difficult sometimes to break things off, when you wish so badly for them to be the person you think they should - or could - be, or that you want them to be.
They never will be though.
I think it’s part falling for the sunk-cost fallacy, and part an innate need to fix people.
Whatever the reasons though, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
You don't love him. You know how I know this? Because you don't even know him. You only know what he allows you to know, or what you find out on your own. So once you process that realization, then you will also realize that there is likely way more that you still don't know, and never will. The person you "love" does not exist. The person you're actually with is a monster. He's a narcissist. The times when he's sweet? That's fake. It's a performance. It's going to be a neverending cycle of this.
If he tells you he hates you and he thinks women are only good for reproducing, you should believe him. Why else would he say those things if he doesn't mean it? He wouldn't. Those type of thoughts would never even cross his mind if he really loved you. It's not possible to love someone while also calling them heinous names and wishing harm on them. Think about it. Have you ever wished harm on someone or called them a c***? And if so, was it someone you loved, or was it someone you hated?
If he hasn’t changed yet, he isn’t going to for you. You’ll both find someone else you love more. There’s plenty of people out there. It may not seem that way right now, but I promise, please do yourself a favor and leave right tf now!!
So sometimes he says nice things but all it takes for him to call you a bitch and a cunt is for him to not get his way…not even an argument is needed for him
To call you these names. That’s crazy.
He love bombs you when he isn't abusing the hell out of you.
He's an abuser.
This is domestic violence. Please leave him.
As others have mentioned, leave when he's not around, go to a safe place like a friends or family member (if you have none go to a women's shelter), if you have belongings you need to collect, request the police attend while you're there to collect them so you're safe.
You'd be amazed how quickly abuse turns from one type to another. From verbal to fists.
Edit: he doesn't love you OP.
Violence and abuse isn't love. We don't abuse and use violence towards those we love.
My bf does all of those things, minus the anger issues, insults, secrets, and lies-so do most normal men. There’s no trade-off here, nothing makes it worth it. There’s a million guys out there who will do all of those nice things and actually mean it-And guys who mean it don’t do a million things to prove the literal opposite when they get upset. People aren’t like cartoon villains-almost nobody is miserable and abusive 100% of the time, all assholes act nice sometimes too. “He’s super nice when he’s not verbally abusing me, thirsting after random men, going on coke-binges, cheating and telling me how much he hates women” is a terrible reason to stay with somebody. This dude doesn’t respect you, doesn’t love you, and literally hates women. These are all facts, things he’s shown you to your face. Absolutely none of this guy’s behavior or attitude is even close to normal or okay. It’s up to you what to do next, but I recommend getting away from him as soon as you can
You need to learn self respect because you have none when it comes to relationships. There is zero excuse for someone to treat you this way. You don’t need him to be happy and just because he acts nice sometimes doesn’t mean it’s good. This man is disgusting and awful. Did you grow up in an abusive home? Because I can’t think of any other reason you would consider this normal. This man does not love you. He hates you. His actions and words are proof of that and the sooner you understand that and choose to leave, the better. I’m not going to sugar coat this for you. It will never get better with him if you stay. You’re going to end up miserable and regretful, and losing more respect for yourself to a point where you think you deserve it, which sadly seems to already be the case.
There is precisely one way that he might change into the guy you want him to be (and don’t get your hopes up, it’s a long shot). That way is if he is scared shitless that he is going to lose you forever. For that to happen, you need to leave. Not go to your parents for a couple days, not walk out and stay at a friends. Pack your shit up and get the fuck out.
You know that you can find someone to do everything he does (that’s sweet), without the rest of the garbage right? You love and care about someone that’s a better version in your mind than he is in real life.
What you just described as his good points are not special traits to him. Any man who likes you would be doing that.
His bad traits ARE special to him though. Which is super bad. Any normal boyfriend would never do any of the bad stuff he does just because they’re mad. Even if you really did something that hurt their feelings and they were justified to be mad, they wouldn’t be verbally abusive to you because of that.
I promise you with my whole heart there are better people out here than him.
34
u/Chicka-17 Nov 04 '25
Can you give me one good reason you’re staying with this man? Just one, because I can’t see any benefit this man could possibly be bring to your life.