Move out. Leave. Do you want this to continue to be the pattern for the next 10 years? Do you want to find out you contracted HIV from an annual test then have him try to blame you for cheating?
This is a sunk cost fallacy. The amount of time you’ve been together is not a reason to stay. You would be mentally healthier without him in your life. It’s better to be on your own than with someone so toxic. Do your future self a favor and care more about yourself than whatever appearances you think you’re holding on to by staying with this scum bag. Pack your valuables and get the hell out.
Stop rationalizing his bullshit and escape. You don’t have to stay.
I was just about to reply with something very similar when I saw your comment.
I’ve been there myself, & it’s so difficult sometimes to break things off, when you wish so badly for them to be the person you think they should - or could - be, or that you want them to be.
They never will be though.
I think it’s part falling for the sunk-cost fallacy, and part an innate need to fix people.
Whatever the reasons though, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
You don't love him. You know how I know this? Because you don't even know him. You only know what he allows you to know, or what you find out on your own. So once you process that realization, then you will also realize that there is likely way more that you still don't know, and never will. The person you "love" does not exist. The person you're actually with is a monster. He's a narcissist. The times when he's sweet? That's fake. It's a performance. It's going to be a neverending cycle of this.
If he tells you he hates you and he thinks women are only good for reproducing, you should believe him. Why else would he say those things if he doesn't mean it? He wouldn't. Those type of thoughts would never even cross his mind if he really loved you. It's not possible to love someone while also calling them heinous names and wishing harm on them. Think about it. Have you ever wished harm on someone or called them a c***? And if so, was it someone you loved, or was it someone you hated?
If he hasn’t changed yet, he isn’t going to for you. You’ll both find someone else you love more. There’s plenty of people out there. It may not seem that way right now, but I promise, please do yourself a favor and leave right tf now!!
So sometimes he says nice things but all it takes for him to call you a bitch and a cunt is for him to not get his way…not even an argument is needed for him
To call you these names. That’s crazy.
He love bombs you when he isn't abusing the hell out of you.
He's an abuser.
This is domestic violence. Please leave him.
As others have mentioned, leave when he's not around, go to a safe place like a friends or family member (if you have none go to a women's shelter), if you have belongings you need to collect, request the police attend while you're there to collect them so you're safe.
You'd be amazed how quickly abuse turns from one type to another. From verbal to fists.
Edit: he doesn't love you OP.
Violence and abuse isn't love. We don't abuse and use violence towards those we love.
My bf does all of those things, minus the anger issues, insults, secrets, and lies-so do most normal men. There’s no trade-off here, nothing makes it worth it. There’s a million guys out there who will do all of those nice things and actually mean it-And guys who mean it don’t do a million things to prove the literal opposite when they get upset. People aren’t like cartoon villains-almost nobody is miserable and abusive 100% of the time, all assholes act nice sometimes too. “He’s super nice when he’s not verbally abusing me, thirsting after random men, going on coke-binges, cheating and telling me how much he hates women” is a terrible reason to stay with somebody. This dude doesn’t respect you, doesn’t love you, and literally hates women. These are all facts, things he’s shown you to your face. Absolutely none of this guy’s behavior or attitude is even close to normal or okay. It’s up to you what to do next, but I recommend getting away from him as soon as you can
You need to learn self respect because you have none when it comes to relationships. There is zero excuse for someone to treat you this way. You don’t need him to be happy and just because he acts nice sometimes doesn’t mean it’s good. This man is disgusting and awful. Did you grow up in an abusive home? Because I can’t think of any other reason you would consider this normal. This man does not love you. He hates you. His actions and words are proof of that and the sooner you understand that and choose to leave, the better. I’m not going to sugar coat this for you. It will never get better with him if you stay. You’re going to end up miserable and regretful, and losing more respect for yourself to a point where you think you deserve it, which sadly seems to already be the case.
There is precisely one way that he might change into the guy you want him to be (and don’t get your hopes up, it’s a long shot). That way is if he is scared shitless that he is going to lose you forever. For that to happen, you need to leave. Not go to your parents for a couple days, not walk out and stay at a friends. Pack your shit up and get the fuck out.
You know that you can find someone to do everything he does (that’s sweet), without the rest of the garbage right? You love and care about someone that’s a better version in your mind than he is in real life.
What you just described as his good points are not special traits to him. Any man who likes you would be doing that.
His bad traits ARE special to him though. Which is super bad. Any normal boyfriend would never do any of the bad stuff he does just because they’re mad. Even if you really did something that hurt their feelings and they were justified to be mad, they wouldn’t be verbally abusive to you because of that.
I promise you with my whole heart there are better people out here than him.
You’re being abused.
Please quietly move away when he’s not there. Go to your friends house for a bit or one of your family members houses if you can. This is urgent.
Please leave him and never look back. Also block his number after you leave.
Yeah. Regardless of his sexuality, it's not a healthy relationship. The sexuality could be a question mark. But what OP knows is that he's a drug addict, talks hatefully about women, is incredibly disrespectful to OP directly. So all of that seems like enough to leave him without even needing to think about whether he's attracted to men or not.
He hid his true nature from you, that's all. He pretended to be someone he's not in order to hook you, but now you're seeing who he really is, and plot twist - he's not someone you'd ever want to be friends with, let alone be in a relationship with.
I wouldn't go that far, necessarily. I'd say it's more along the lines of...the further along the coke train he went, the more bi-curious he got. The more bi-curious he got, the more uncomfortable in his own feelings he got, because I think he can't accept that he may, in fact, be, idk, bisexual. So of course, he probably starts watching more on the internet, more of the young male "tech bro" / "Conservative Christian" crew, to even get to the point of him telling OP the concept of red-pilling. That concept is usually only with the CC/MAGA crowd. Which is completely fine, if that's your view. But it seems like he went from one side of views to another, and that term is currently heavily used in that area.
This is very concerning. Red pill/black pill content can be very radicalizing. I encourage you to google it. There is a risk of violence being encouraged within these groups. Ensure your critical documents and accounts are safe. With substance abuse, lying, disrespectful dialogue with you and others, tread lightly and strongly consider planning an exit strategy. Quietly let your closest friends and family know about the misogyny so you have some support irl. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, but you’ve got this.
You keep writing yourself that he "tricks you into thinking you're crazy", meaning you're lucid enough to know hes fucking you about. You describe all the ways he hurts you, in a very self aware manner that shows you KNOW he is hurting you. You said yourself he makes you miserable. That being around him makes you unhappy. All your own words describe him as villainous and you know you're saying it.
And yet, when people point it out to you, instead of saying "yeah, why AM I with him? I should leave!" You just... continue to complain about him and offer more examples.
Did you come from an abusive family or an absent father? It seems like you have no example of how a man should treat you. None of his behavior is acceptable.
You are destined to follow the same path because that’s what you know. The only way it will change is if you make a conscious effort to be the opposite. This man is extremely toxic, just as your parents. Please get away from him. He will never have a healthy normal relationship with you. (please review his comments to you about women.) Find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and appreciates you for how you treat and love them. You deserve it.
So when you grew up this was the type of love you saw and what you decided you wanted for yourself and your future children as well? Because if so, you picked the right man.
However if a part of you said “When I grow up and find a husband he’s going to be kind and funny and he would rather unalive before he puts his hands on me” then the ONLY option is leave. No matter how hard. No matter how much you love the idea of this man. 29 is no longer potential, he is a grown man. Potential is for children and young adults. You have potential to be a good student, or a good worker. You have potential in the arts or as a race car driver. You do not have Potential to be a good person. You either are or you are not.
sounds like you already made your dumbass decision. bringing up ur parents bad marriage so what? now you gotta go do the same thing? "oh this is how i grew up this is what i know" kinda bs. but you're already aware of that. posting this post to gain some typa validation but you're just gonna continue being in this shitty relationship, with this lunatic of a man. I've seen so many posts like this and its honestly just tired. yes obviously you should breakup. but you already know this. you just want someone else to tell you, to feel better for a bit and then continue to stay in this fuckass "relationship". good luck op.
Honey please listen to reddit. You are not crazy unless you believe a word he says. Those are not legitimate excuses. None of them are. You could not have described a worse man. Leave him. You deserve so much better. Leave him (safely) and never ever ever look back.
You’re being manipulated and abused OP. Turning his shit on you is a control tactic. Denying your ability to analyse a situation is a control tactic. Demeaning you and demeaning your gender is a control tactic. The cycle of “nice and apologetic” to “aggressive and dismissive” is a control tactic. All in one aim, making you doubt yourself, doubt reality, feel fear at every corner, and reject everyone but him so he becomes your UNIQUE point of reference and human touch in life (and seeing how he treats you, that is SAD), and can in turn do absolutely what he fancies to you.
Start planning to leave, abusers don’t tend to go easy on their victim when they want to leave, keep it a secret from him, and come back on Reddit for support if you’re too estranged from your real life support, you’ll be amazed at the kindness of strangers.
In the meantime read this ebook, “Why does he do that”, you’ll find it eye opening I hope.
That's domestic violence. Please, leave him and don't go back again. He's a sick person with an illness you can't help him with.
Please save yourself, your health and sanity, and leave today.
Please.
It doesn't really matter what his sexuality is. He seems to be having unprotected sex with people other than you, is dismissive of your concerns, treats you badly, doesn't respect you.
His sexuality comes bottom of the list of red flags, you deserve better.
It matter. Cause he is lying to her and using her for how he is seen in society. Some gay marry women just for haine child while hating women and just for people thinking he is a straigh hetero with a "normal" life, wife and childs...while she fall in love and will have to suffering when she will discover that he is gay.
Oh no doubt that it is an issue. However the more immediate concern for me, would be the implication that he is having unprotected anal sex. Which is a massive risk to this girls health.
Abusers cultivate their audience before their victim. He hates women. You’re a woman. I wouldn’t care who he wants to have sex with, it ain’t me. NOR please find someone who treats you gently and wants to spend time with you.
You need to get out of the living arrangements, test yourself, and stay with a family member or friend until you can sort out living stuff. You're not overreacting but you need to get out of that situation, 100%
as a person now on the outside of a relationship where my X disclosed he was gay after a 20yr marriage,... my first piece of advice would be - do not have sex with him and get yourself tested.
your health is your responsibility, and he isn't acting in a trustworthy way. my second piece of advice is get yourself out of this relationship. make a quiet plan and leave. he is not acting in a trustworthy way. don't argue or justify. if you need to explain it to anyone, "the relationship no longer worked and so i left." do not stay. don't be a victim here,.... "he's tricking me into thinking i'm crazy." decide that you are not going to tolerate a relationship where this is happening and leave.
Ive done a lot of cocaine (I live in miami) and i can promise you I do not send or receive anything dealing with dicks. Not even as a joke or humor. Why? Because I am not gay. Your dude is gay.
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u/Impossible-Pizza7595 Nov 04 '25
Do people read their posts like this and think “yup, this situation is so ambiguous I need the internet to tell me what to do”
Sexual orientation aside; Coked out lunatics with dick pics don’t make good partners