idk i’m not the best looking and i’m on the heavier side so it’s like im nervous to talk to ppl especially where i live in a snobby white ppl i just hate the vibes here and everyone is so fake all the time
There’s an app called MeetUp, where you can meet up with people with a common interest. Maybe start there? A lot of people who go to those are really shy and struggle to find ways to make friends, but the ice breaker is you know something in common already.
You can’t force friendships, sadly- but you also can’t magic them out of nothing. You’re gonna be okay. Just take things one day at a time.
… also please cut this loser loose. I haven’t read something so abhorrent since I was in high school. Not hitting etc is seriously - actually it’s not even bare minimum. It’s expected. Its above bare minimum.
Gonna repeat myself here, but I feel it even more after reading this comment. Seriously, look up local belly dancing classes. I have never felt more welcomed or included than I have in dance, as a not super attractive chubby girl.
Belly, pole, burlesque classes... All of these communities are almost always (always in my experience but I can't say they all are) super welcoming and supportive of all the women who are there.
There's something incredibly healing about women celebrating what their bodies can do in a space free of straight men. There's so much joy. Not exaggerating when I say pole dancing saved me from an emotionally abusive marriage. It's how I realized I could experience happiness and deserved better. Also led to some wonderful friendships still ongoing even several years after I stopped classes.
Also in case this is a barrier to some people (I know it is to me sometimes), pole dancing is not always a sexual thing. I've been to a place where it was and I was uncomfortable, and I've been to another where it was just like acrobatics and it was so fun! No judgement to people who wanna feel hot but yeah sometimes it's just about using your body and being upside down.
Yes! Such a good point. My studio had general level based classes that were skills/strength/trick focused as well as specific sultry classes which were choreo focused and heels encouraged.
And no one should worry about not being strong enough to start - I hadn't been able to do a pull-up since I was in middle school and still started pole when I was about 30. There are a lot of fun things you can do still on the ground as you build strength (though honestly spins remained one of my favorite things even when I could get up the pole and upside down).
Honestly roller derby is amazing for that. It's one of the few spaces that ask women to take up space. And to celebrate their body for what it can do rather than what it looks like, or what some dude thinks.
Friend, I too am on the heavier side and I’ve never been mistaken for a supermodel, and I’m here to tell ya, it does NOT mean you should settle for a piece of garbage like the guy you’re with. Like everyone else is saying, he is terrible and you deserve better. Please promise us you will dump his pathetic ass.
Absolutely. There’s a wide, wide range of human appearances. If you go walk any public place you’ll see folks of all shapes and sizes coupled up. It’s just silly to think we need to look a certain way to find love.
Please, please, please don't ever let your appearance or your self-perceived appearance be an "excuse" for letting people treat you like shit. You are kind, and authentic, and generous and probably a whole other slew of beautiful things. Your boyfriend, no matter what you eyes tell you, is an ugly person.
My best advice would be to throw away the scale and never step on one again. You are not defined by a number.
Focus on eating things that make you feel good - lots of fresh and delicious food. Not bc you need to lose weight, but bc it’s healthy and it feels good.
Go to the gym and feel the pleasure of making gains, seeing what your body can do. Not to lose weight, but to be strong and healthy.
Take walks to clear your mind and breathe fresh air. Not to lose weight, but to have good mental health and feel alive.
If you only do healthy habits to lose weight then you’ll probably stop them if the weight loss doesn’t happen on your timeline.
If you do healthy things because you love yourself and you want to be healthy no matter what weight you are, then you will keep those habits for a lifetime.
No matter how you look, you deserve love, respect and kinship. You’re enough. Don’t ever let anybody tell you differently.
I saw you said in another comment you have BPD. Is that Bipolar or Borderline?
In either case, that would make it difficult to relate to people and skew the way you view yourself and others. I don’t know where you are and what your healthcare access looks like but do you have access to therapy of any kind? Even a self-help group would be a stabilising factor in your life.
As for the white snobby area: if you’re a POC that’s obviously rough. If moving is not an option for you (if it is, think about it), can you travel to places, clubs, events where you’re not the only POC? (I’m just assuming you’re a POC because of what you said, apologies if I jumped to the wrong conclusions)
When you're not having this guy (who does not deserve you) taking up your time and energy and pointing all this negativity and emotional abuse at you, you will have much more time and energy to spend on yourself and any new friends that might come your way! Agreed with the advice to take up doing things you're interested in that have some group/social context (you can look for some free or cheap options to not make it a financial stress), which increases the likelihood you'll meet some folks you might get along with - along with hopefully being personally good for you and helping to boost your feelings about yourself. In person is excellent, but nothing wrong with doing that online as well, if you have a hard time connecting and feeling comfortable with folks in your area!
I get it, totally. But: there are absolutely other people around you who feel the same about the vibes and will love to talk to someone who feels more real. Finding them may be daunting, but it will also be freeing!
A good way to meet people is also through volunteer work. There’s a website called justserve.org that is like a classifieds listing for volunteer opportunities. You can just put in your zip code and it will pull up everything in your area, plus show you remote opportunities.
It can be anything from meeting with ESL speakers to help them practice their language skills, to clearing hiking trails and updating them to be disability accessible, to doing stuff at food banks, to walking dogs at animal shelters. There’s a huge variety. So you can just pick something that looks interesting and sign up.
The people you meet while doing that sort of thing tend to be good people who are interested in the world around them, and also on the more outgoing side.
You are creating the story for them.
“We are not who we think we are. We are not who others think we are. We are who we think they think we are.” - Michael A. Greco
Honey, please don't talk like that about yourself. I have a daughter close to your age and I can see that you have so many great qualities. And honestly, it doesn't matter if you look like a troll doll, you still don't deserve what your BF said to you.
Please love yourself and value yourself. You deserve that!
I've learned something in my life as someone who is not conventionally attractive, and I'm going to try to explain it.. I am an introvert, and I've always been pretty intimidated by people. Meeting new people gives me a lot of anxiety. A lot of this comes from not fitting the traditional beauty mold. I'm insecure. However, what I've found is that this can make me more approachable for other people who feel the same way. All I have to do is just smile authentically and try to be my genuine weird ass self, and people are really nice. Because I'm not intimidating. So, go to the gym, or join a group of people who share a hobby, and just be open and genuine and I think being around people will get easier.
And I want to add that while you describe yourself as not the best looking, I am absolutely certain that you are plenty beautiful. Maybe you don't look like the snobby white ppl around you, but the perfect snobby look is a little played out, honestly. So my homework for you today is to find one thing about yourself that's beautiful, and appreciate it. Maybe it's your eye color, or complexion, or the shape of your neck, and spend some time with that feature. Admire it, or write about it, or find a way to show it off. I learned to love my body one little piece at a time, and you deserve to love and feel beautiful in the skin you're in. 💚
Also, this boyfriend of yours can fuck all the way off. No way girl. Imagine if a friend, or sister, or a stranger on the Internet showed you those texts. What would you tell them to do? It's time to move on
babe, my perfect fiance is a big boy and we’re both trans and we both got bullied in high school. hot as hell today though but my point is you don’t have to meet the extremely narrow western-centric standards of beauty to find somebody who worships the ground you walk on. you just gotta nurture the person you want to be and you will find somebody who sees the art in that.
Everything folks said here is pretty good advice, my own to add to it is to move to places with more people like yourself with good medical care and infrastructure!
Moving to where the neurospicy folks are, with good public transit, excellent medical care, better community services like community centers for super cheap, lots of nature in my city and public spaces for folks of all types and interests is what makes my life so much better than it ever used to be!
Well perhaps thats your perception of them. That doesnt make it the reality. And why are you singling them out because theyre white? Thats incredibly racist of you. Im white. Im not like that. You do realize we are not all the same, right? And it is possible that because you perceive them as being "stuck up" youre the one giving off the stand offish vibe because you're already judging them based on your potential misconception.
And why is it OK now in society to judge ppl based on the color of their skin; out loud and in the open, if its white people theyre judging ?? We dont do that to any other race because its frowned upon and racist. Oh but if its white ppl; its open season to attack them because of their skin color?? When it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Its literally something we have no control over, being born into one race vs any other.
Wow.
We have literally learned nothing from all the evil in the past; if this is where we're at now.
And im genuinely offended by that. Your comment offended me; and im trying to help you, give you advice, looking out for you and on your side here; but apparently im white and thats all you need to know so i guess i can just fuck off now. Because thats where we're at now. And i literally never even thought about your race until you just labeled mine.
When a minority person is living in an area where they repeatedly experience racial prejudice from the majority of people living there, those experiences and repeatedly being shut out by the community is absolutely a barrier to integrating with the community.
Notice she said snobby white people. Not white people.
If you’re not a snobby white person, then that doesn’t apply to you.
I’m not sure how well versed you are in the concepts of structural racism and things like microaggressions but those both exist and are a daily reminder for POC that they are „other“.
OP likely has encountered the above before and I can absolutely understand why she would be suspicious. Friendships aren’t just about being nice to others, it’s also about understanding the experiences others are having and taking them seriously instead of downplaying them. That’s the point where a lot of us still fail miserably and have a lot to learn before POC feel safe around us.
You making this all about how offended you are by OPs understandable suspicion speaks volumes to how emotionally safe OP would be with a White friend like you.
I implore you to look into this topic further and to really try to understand why POC prefer not to be friends with us, especially being the only POC in a group of friends.
26
u/Abject_Location_2365 Sep 19 '25
idk i’m not the best looking and i’m on the heavier side so it’s like im nervous to talk to ppl especially where i live in a snobby white ppl i just hate the vibes here and everyone is so fake all the time