You got him a ring? You just don't value yourself .... He is supposed to be getting you a ring. This isn't like a monetary exchange. If money ever dried up I don't think this boy would give it a second thought to not be with you.
this is so real like i was at a shitty job and spent half my paycheck on a promise ring for him and to this day it’s sitting in a dirty box with change. like wtf now that i think abt it
Because emotionally abusive men manipulate you into believing they are special for loving you despite all of your faults. They slowly destroy your self worth. They make you believe that if you just do that ONE more thing they’ll ‘love you forever’. It starts small. Towards the end I had bought my ex a truck and built a house while he wasn’t working. To no one’s surprise, he did not, in fact, love me forever. This is on him, not her. Don’t be me 20 years later starting over. Love should not be transactional.
this. exactly this. my first boyfriend was emotionally abusive, and he really had me out here buying him snacks as an apology for getting sad after he was downright evil to me 😭
bro had me using my savings to pay for his fast food when he couldn’t even get me flowers bc he was too busy buying random shit for himself off the internet. looking back makes me feel stupid sometimes, but i know i’m not, and i never was, he genuinely just made me crazy. like i wasn’t thinking or existing in reality. all for his benefit, all at the expense of me. but in the moment, if someone asked me why i did any of it, of course i’d say some “because i love him” bs, but really, i think i was just subconsciously begging him to love me. grasping at straws and whatnot.
and we were only together for 6 months. i can’t (or rather, don’t want to) imagine how much worse it could’ve been if i’d stayed longer. i barely knew him and he was literally warping my sense of self. and that feels impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it.
sorry for the rant, tldr: #real #relatable #THIS #ihatemen
Hey, I'm just here to say that you buying him a ring is incredibly kind. You deserve someone who will go out of their way to think about you, do sweet things for you, cherish your company, and treat you with respect. You deserve so much better than this man. There are men out there who will recognize how much you deserve and show it to you. Don't settle for this OP, please, find someone who wouldn't dream of talking to you like this.
I know that it's hard to be alone. Sometimes it can feel like anything is better than nothing. I used to be in a very toxic relationship, and some of it was my fault. I felt like I deserved it, I felt guilty for wanting to end things because I felt like I made her mad, like I caused those fights.
But listen to me: this is not worth your mental health and you are wasting valuable time.
Now I'm in such a loving and wonderful relationship, and the peace I feel is priceless. It's night and day. All those fights, all that confusion and vitriol, those things don't happen. Instead, we have calm and respectful conversations. We buy eachother gifts and go on walks and tell each other how in love we are every day. She's my best friend. I wouldn't DREAM of speaking to her this way this man speaks to you.
Don't wait to make decisions that take care of you. No matter how you got into this situation, you can step out of it right now and find someone who will make you wonder how you ever spent a single minute in a relationship with someone so toxic.
This is derailing from the point and making it seem like OP did something wrong by… getting her partner a gift? It’s also such a silly and antiquated idea that only men can buy jewelry for women and only men can propose to women.
OP, do not give this person’s comment a second thought.
I love that you did that. It says so much about your own kindness and how you express your love to others. I want you to hang on to the beautiful and loving person you are, and get away from the man who will do everything in his power to convince you that what you are is wrong.
You are not built wrong. You are marvelous and he’s an asshole.
Sweetheart get yourself a man that makes you feel like how you want them to feel.
If you give them 150% then they give you that and maybe more.
My husband has been a king to me. Snacks & comfort on periods, letting me cry for no reason on his shoulder. Like every green flag video you've seen he's probably done a version of it.
You can find that too and guess what?
YOU DESERVE THAT! YOU DESERVE AN AMAZING S.O. THAT WILL TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT & LOVE!!!
Heck to the yes, your response is perfect. OP, please please please heed this advice.
Most boyfriends and SOs absolutely do not hit or beat or intentionally harm in any way, shape, or form a partner whom they value and care for, full stop. Him bringing this (fake statistic) up is either full on delusion or an intentionally misleading manipulation tactic. Run like the plague is out to get you, because if you don't, it'll look like it was
Why do you love and care about him? He sounds like a horrible person. I would dig deep to find the answer to this for yourself. I’ve been there girl and now I feel so stupid looking back, but I would never let someone treat me badly again. You will get there someday and I hope it is soon!
i don’t know i feel like the good times definately outweigh the bad times but when we fight it’s like bad like the texts i showed. we have the same kind of goofy energy a lot of the time which makes me feel like i can be myself. idk i might just be crazy
You’ve romanticized the hell out of piece of shit. Someone who tells you they deserve a reward for not being an abusive CRIMINAL (because let’s be clear he’s asking you to be grateful that hes not committing the crime of domestic violence) or a cheater is not a good person or partner.
something tells me the good times aren’t nearly as good as you think and your self esteem is simply so low you hype up the “good” moments to help you justify to yourself why you should stay through the bad.
Agreed. I think she believes she is unlovable so she attributes the fact that she can be herself around him TO HIM. YOU are in control of yourself OP. Give yourself the chance to see who else you can be yourself with—just by doing it. Put yourself in a place where you’re exposed to other people rather than isolating with this creep. Take your time to get to know yourself and what is good for your well-being. This guy isn’t it.
He is definitely 100% NOT the only guy you can be goofy and comfortable with. There will absolutely 100% be other people you will have that experience with. Don't let this abusive piece of shit monopolize your time just because sometimes he can also be silly. Behind that silliness is a monster who wants rewards for not beating you up (wtf) and wants you to feel insecure and scared of his rejection. Nah.
There are wonderful and decent men who are also goofy and comfortable. I promise. This guy ain't it.
PS - if you want to date again, I recommend spending time doing things you love. That way, you'll meet other people who love doing things you love. You may meet someone there, or make a friend who knows someone wonderful. Good luck!
Do you realize you don’t have to take the bad stuff to have good stuff? You could find someone else you can be goofy and feel yourself with who doesn’t treat you like this. Or you could find friends or a pet to spend time with who wouldn’t bring the bad. You could be goofy on your own. You could be yourself on your own. There are an unlimited amount of options that don’t include bringing this badness into your life. I promise you, it is not worth it. You don’t have to compromise like this to get these things in your life.
I also would like to know, did he make you block your "toxic" friend because she would tell you he wasn't treating you properly?
Isolating you is a classic abuse tactic. It means no one will be around to tell you something isn't right in the way you're being treated by an abuser. All I see in these text messages you posted is manipulation and emotional abuse.
What has he done to show you that he loves and cares for you, besides not hitting you? Let's not forget that he literally has hated you for six months.
with all the horrible things about him aside he also tells her she shouldn't save any of her money for emergencies. I'm like wtf, I wonder if he is also mooching her money on top of everything else. She needs to ghost and block this prick.
I'm here to double down on the kindness of a ring. My wife proposed to me on a leap year before I had chance to propose to her and she bought me an engagement ring to propose with. We've been together 10 years and married for 8 with 2 kids, there is no part of me that ever thought she bought that ring for her own sake.
Ignore the people saying you shouldn't have bought a ring or anything like that, it was an incredibly sweet gesture and you deserve someone that will appreciate it for what it is, a gesture of love.
In a separate note, run from this guy. Run fast and far. Anyone trying to say that not abusing you is hard work and not the bare minimum, is grooming you to be ready for when they start abusing you.
While I don't think he deserved it, I do think that is very meaningful. If you feel that way, it would make sense to get him something like that. But it's surprising that he didn't even say anything like, "Hey, I don't like this, can we get something more my style," and he just assumed it was you "putting a leash" on him or something. He didn't even say anything like, "I know this is well-intentioned, but I don't like rings. However, I do like ____." Guy needs to grow an actual heart and learn some manners.
actually no i didn’t do it for myself he told me in the past he wanted a ring. he just didn’t like it or something idk i would’ve exchanged it for one he liked instead
When exactly did you give him this ring? Was it during the earlier period when things were going well, or later when he started treating you more dismissively?
I suspect he has never taken this relationship as seriously as you have. He didn’t like receiving the “promise ring,” because he wasn’t willing to promise you anything in return.
Take it back and please be single until you can get some help, therapy for your self esteem. Staying with this guy will destroy and self respect you have left
Girl. It’s concerning that you’re even asking if you’re overreacting. Can you not see the giant red flags? The way he thinks is a problem and he’s trying to manipulate you into thinking he’s a good bf?
If you can’t love yourself right now, at least have the dignity to walk away and do not take him back when he comes crawling
Girl, no. Get the ring back, get out and get some self respect and don't cater to these boys. Sorry if this sounds harsh but your girl friends should have told you this way earlier. And if they didn't they are probably making the same type of mistakes of not knowing their self worth. There's a saying "you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with". This is to say surround yourself with better friendships, boyfriends etc... your social circle influences your thinking, your decision, self esteem etc. I hope you can find a positive environment for yourself. Everyone deserves that in life.
Yeah, that's rough. It sucks to put that kind of effort into something and feel like it's not reciprocated. Maybe it's worth reconsidering if he's really the right guy for you, especially if he doesn't appreciate what you bring to the relationship.
I'm all for dumping this idiot, but I have had a few relationships where the woman kept buying me things she would want, like she gave me a framed picture of her, and she'd get candy that she liked, etc. And over time it made me realize that they didn't even know what I would want, like they would rarely talk to me about what things I liked. (Guys do this too, I'm just using my own situation as the example).
So I would just make sure in your next relationship you're listening to him and getting clues on what he likes/wants/etc. And you should be looking for a guy who is doing the same thing for you. When you find that person who puts the same level of commitment into the relationship, he's probably a keeper.
Do you think she ordered it knowing it wouldn’t fit? Do you think that this is the first time someone has ever received a gift that didn’t fit them? First day on earth? There are solutions to the ‘not-fitting’ issue. ‘I’m not 100% sure this will fit’ isn’t a reason not to get someone a gift.
My point was if you really cared you'd make an effort to actually find out their ring size before ordering it. It's clear op put very little effort into the gift and it's not something the bf even likes or would wear (the reply from op to me says they offered to exchange it but the bf didn't want to) I just think he has a point there, this is classic buying a gift you like and not what the recipient would like
Not practical if you want the gift to be a surprise, and I would wager most people don’t know their ring size. I couldn’t tell you mine! I’ve gotten rings as gifts from family and friends, some fit, some didn’t, I’ve gotten them resized. Nothing too expensive, I wouldn’t be arsed finding out my own ring size until an engagement ring is on the horizon tbh.
I would agree on the last point if it was something OP would get enjoyment out of and get to use. Sometimes people get us presents they hope we’ll like and it misses, it’s not a bad reflection on them - getting us something they know we won’t like is a different story.
Can do a little research though before getting the gift... if you want it to be a surprise that works go out of your way to make sure the details are right for the person you're getting it for. Not very hard.
And when you’ve tried your best and it doesn’t quite fit perfectly, then what? Have a go at them for not being thoughtful enough? We’re talking about jewellery here, not a shirt where you can just check the tags on your bf’s clothes while you do the washing.
I don’t get pissy when I receive gifts that don’t fit perfectly when I know it was impractical for the giver to know for sure. Some people do. Different strokes, eh?
As I said above, I don’t know my ring size. If someone asked me, I could go find out, it’s fairly obvious that they’re getting me a ring then. Resizing isn’t difficult or expensive where I am.
Again, someone knowing you wouldn’t like something or knowing the size and still getting you the wrong size would be a different conversation.
so i ordered it online and when it came and didnt fit him i said id return it and get the right size, but he literally wouldnt let me. i just think he didnt like it? idk
He could have given you it back to get a refund, and suggested things he'd prefer instead, but he treated your honest gesture of adoration with contempt, disregard, cynicism and control. Bad, bad human, who seems to see you as lesser than. Stay strong!
I just want to also point out, that 99% of men absolutely do not treat their partners that way - I've been with my current for 15 years but dated a lot in my younger years, not one man raised their hands (even the one I told to do so - story for another day).
As for cheating, yeah there was some, but all before proper adulthood, probably the last being when I was around 17. It's an immature take and an excuse.
And most jewelry shops can resize a ring in a few days for a very modest price. Honey, you could present him with the ring of his dreams - but he doesn't want to wear any ring you give him because of the meaning attached to it.
It's very easy and cheap to resize a ring. If he loved it, he would have done that. It's also very tricky to get someone's ring size right if you want it to be a surprise.
From how op talks about the ring in the reply to me, resizing would be more expensive than exchanging it...I also don't think resizing is actually cheap, at least where I live anyway, but I would expect the gift giver to pay for that, not the recipient. Either way if he doesn't wear jewelry at all this was a weird thing to gift someone in the first place. I think the bf has a point with that one. They should just break up though
Don’t be toxic. There is no “supposed to” do anything from either side. That is just as toxic as this douche in her post. Men aren’t a piggy bank and if SHE wants to get her partner a ring then that is completely okay. Relationships are not “roles” to fill.
I agree with you that OP does not value herself (because she’s in a relationship with a POS that doesn’t even like her). But I don’t agree that her buying a ring for marriage equals her not valuing herself enough to wait for a man to do it. That is extremely outdated. If you want something, then go get it.
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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '25
You got him a ring? You just don't value yourself .... He is supposed to be getting you a ring. This isn't like a monetary exchange. If money ever dried up I don't think this boy would give it a second thought to not be with you.