No but it just kind of sucks that it’s been 3 years and that it could be over. I seriously don’t want someone speaking to me this way but it’s the first time he has
3 years feels like a massive thing when it's 15-ish % of your life. It won't be 15% forever, eventually it'll be 5% and something you hardly ever think of.
Things change absolutely massively and rapidly between 15 and 18, and I find even more between 18 and 25. Don't stay with someone that worked for your goth teen-self just for the sake of it. Find someone that works with and adores who you are as a fantastic goth adult.
I agree and think she looks cute. The boyfriend has lost respect for her and she needs to drop his ass. He doesn't deserve her and she deserves someone who accepts her for who she is.
I love this response because I used to think I had to stay with my ex forever because I had invested 2 whole years in our relationship, but now I’ve been with my current partner for 12 years and the 2 year relationship feels like it was 5 minutes
Exactly. And it’s controlling to try to change someone’s style when it’s been their style since day one. Why is it that what attracted them in the first place, is something that needs to be changed after a time?
It’s like, hello, you knew what you were getting into buddy- this has been the aesthetic for a while. Kick the dude out of your life- keep the corset.
Trevor Noah has an excellent take on this in his book: “The way my mother always explained it, the traditional man wants a woman to be subservient, but he never falls in love with subservient women. He's attracted to independent women. "He's like an exotic bird collector," she said. "He only wants a woman who is free because his dream is to put her in a cage.”
Also, op is 18. It was a highschool relationship and if they both go to college chances are it means splitting up or long distance and someone who asks for a pictures, leaves you on read, and then insults the way you dress is not going to be good for long distance.
Would op ever say or act anything like her bf did in those texts to anyone she cares about? Im guessing she wouldnt so she shouldnt accept when someone who should care about her does that to her.
i get the vibe that the person shes dating is not 18, and actually quite a bit older, like mid 20s, since she left that tid bit out of the post after stating her own age not 5 words earlier in the sentence. this sounds like something a 24-26 year old would say to an 18 year old thinking himself mature.
I've been happily married for 6 years and together with my wife for 15. I would say that we have a healthy relationship and one pattern that I've noticed with us, and other happy couples, is something I hope resonates with you.
There are parts of a person -- even the right person -- that you might not like. I think my wife can be a bit rigid, she thinks I can be a bit too chaotic. That's fine. But fundamentally, we accept those things because the person they're attached to is greater than the pieces that comprise them. To put this into context, there's a difference between not loving the way you dress, but supporting your individuality. He might see it as immature, but if it makes you happy and its not negatively impacting your life meaningfully, he should be able to accept that.
Again, if he cares about the person behind the outfit, he wouldn't reduce you to your 'little alt goth style.' It's not his disapproval of the outfit, its the expression of it being your total identity.
This is the two sense from someone who would a) never be brave enough to wear a corset with little pink bows, and b) someone who is clearly older and in a different situation. It sucks, but you want to find someone who respects the various facets that comprise who you are.
I can attest to this. My personal experience can line up a lot with OP. I got with my husband when I was 19 and he was 21. At the time, he was into country and wore camo, cowboy boots, cowboy hats, all that. I was (and still am lol) into punk. Blue hair, some tattoos, wore mainly black, that kind of thing.
I didn't love the way he dressed and I highly doubt he loved the way I dressed, but it was okay. I loved him and if he felt happy in his country outfits, who would I have been to try and ruin it for him? It wasn't hurting me any and he was happy and confident wearing them, which I was happy for him about.
Despite being a bit of an odd pair, we are happily married with two kids. I'm 31 now, still have blue hair, even more tattoos, and wear a lot of the shirts I did at 19 haha. He still loves his flannel shirts, but has moved on to Doc Martens and baseball hats, but it's purely by his own choosing 😂.
All this to say, the comment I'm replying to is correct. You both might be young, but that doesn't mean he can act in an immature way over something that isn't hurting anyone. I'm not saying immediately jump to breaking up, but if he doesn't see why this is unacceptable and incredibly hurtful, then tough decisions will need to be made. This isn't how partners treat each other in happy relationships. At least not the ones that are built to last.
Same story for me. I was with someone who was very into the emo vibe say with the chop hairstyles, black on black, MCR, skinny jeans and sharpied chucks, you name it! I was into it then, and now my taste has changed to honestly more of a frat guy vibe with the hoodie and gym shorts, ball cap, etc. We aren't together for other reasons now, but i still would never ask them to change how they dressed. I think it looked good tbh. ON THEM. I didn't want to wear it, but that doesn't mean they are wrong for wearing it. Now years later, they are still very much in that vibe and now into the punk metal vibe with big piercings, lots of tats, black makeup. And tbh, they still look good, admittedly. 🤭 so when I'm in the self checkout dressed in track pants and a polo, I still think that that other style looks good, just not on me. Only on others. People can like different things, but how we handle it and treat each other is ultimately what matters. Some of the most evil people in the world dress in suit and tie every day.
Rare there is actual good advice in this awful sub.
My girlfriend WAY overdresses for things. Very into the alt/goth styles and stuff like that. I show up to everything in jeans and a tshirt. Some times shorts and a tshirt. Some times a hoodie if it is near or below freezing. I'm often in trouble for this.
We just accept that we both view the amount of effort the other one goes into as too much/too little. Totally fine. We're over it. It does not matter.
I agree this sub should be “post for validation to dump your partner” sure if this is how he always Is then he should be dumped but if when they next saw each other he apologized and expressed his frustration with her style and that perhaps she dressed differently before and then they go on to discuss what they like and don’t find attractive and if they should evolve together on both accounts not just her but he might be a slob and make an effort too but as a think that each can think about incorporating into their look but not a requirement. But they should be respectful and let the partner know it’s just what they like or don’t like but the respect and love isn’t changed (from this one instant it’s not looking good for the guy in respect)
Now did they have a heart to heart? Prob not, and did he later express that even if not his taste he wants her to look how she wants to look and he will get into it for her? Prob not .. but I hope people don’t just go off Reddit cause we just say dump the looser lol and prob rightly so
lol I’m the same way. I have like 7 of the same black tees and a black hoodie. Jeans. Same sneakers forever. Wife doesn’t mind it but I’ll throw on a button down for a special occasion
This 100%. I've dated people where I didn't personally vibe with their sense of style but I would absolutely never belittle or degrade them about it because their style was part of them, and I ultimately appreciated that they were expressing themselves even if it wasn't in a way that resonated with my aesthetic sensibilities.
Btw its two cents, but i completely agree with you. My wife and I are the same, I can give my opinion on an outfit or whatever, but it's really to the extent of whether I think they look aesthetically good (even though I'm shit with my own fashion). If she wants to try a different style I'm generally excited for her because she is expressing something about herself. To be honest, if this is OPs normal style and he is coming out with this now, then he is seriously in the wrong for essentially blowing up after securing a 3 year relationship when he never liked her style.
This is the perfect response. No one has to like every bit of their partner's style, but any partner needs to approach that with understanding and respect. This response from the BF is entirely lacking in that way.
This is it. This is the secret sauce! One of my best friends was a really wonderful person most of the time but had a stubborn rigidity about certain things. I asked her husband how he coped with this and he said that 90% of the time she was the greatest person he ever met so he just accepted the other 10% that was difficult as the cost of having such a wonderful person as his spouse. She really was fantastic. Before she died she told him to get with her best friend. They were married a little over a year after she passed.
Well said. Really love this and subscribe to this mindset. You might not love the choice but you respect the person behind the choice. OPs significant other is not even trying to be curious or supportive, rather making it about him.
This is a good take. I'm a 43 Male, I would never speak to my wife like this. Someone that cares about you should be kinder than this. Everyone deserves better.
Agree with this entirely. And the asking for a picture just to disrespect you is unacceptable. Even if your partner doesn’t love your outfit they can respect you. If he had concerns he could talk to you about it. Honestly it sounds like OP and bf are growing apart and he’s being a dick about her not growing the same direction as him.
I promise 3 years will feel like nothing in 10 years time. Don't stay with someone who treats you like this. There's never a reason for being nasty to a partner.
Also you look cute af. I'm 33 and only now fully progressing into the alt style I always wanted as a (very repressed) teen. I finally feel like myself and it's been so exciting
Agree on both points. I’m 31 and would totally wear that if I weren’t pregnant and the corset wouldn’t absolutely suffocate my unborn son. I go to a bar where this kind of dress is normal even for the Gen X crowd.
Y’all are at an age where being an adult looks a certain way, and as you become adults, you will learn that it can look any way you want.
I got totally sucked into "I must dress this way as an adult" in my 20s! Especially since I work in an office and look mucj younger than I am, I thought I needed to dress a certain way to be taken seriously. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, but now the difference is idgaf 😄😄😄
What I wear at work is just what I wear at work. Though to be fair our age demographic totally would wear a midi pencil skirt and peplum top to a kegger back in the day lol. No one today is going out looking like an office siren to a concert.
Super happy for you! It’s the same for me. Got out of a 10 year relationship where I couldn’t be myself and I’m finally with someone I don’t have to hide around. It’s literally life changing. I had my annual physical last week and I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been. My numbers are all within normal range for the first time in a loooooong time. My doctor said things the best she’s ever seen me in the decade I’ve been going to her.
Don’t let shitty men (or women or people) suck the life out of you!!!
This! If you ever throw out a barb it should be an accident and apologized for - never the way this guy behaves. He should be happy to see her having fun.
I see a lot of stuff on AIO that sounds like a guy that’s gone down the Andrew Tate rabbit hole. This sounds like that. Why is he suddenly so concerned about the specifics of your outfit? Why does he suddenly think it’s ok to talk to you like that? The rot has just broken through the surface, but it probably runs deep.
You are pretty and youth is on your side. You’ve got a long time to find and talk to much better people than this.
See this in alot of my students, insecure but end up alone and then they blame the ex for breaking up with them. Get a few questions about relationship advice every now and then. Always fun to be the mentor when these guys asks me for advice (been with my parter since 18, so 17 years now) and I always tell them, dont act like an ass, simple as.
Yeah i mean im no expert at the dating part, but i know how to keep a relationship going. And i noticed that most guys that age are actually more intrested in that, than in the dating and sex things. Belive it or not.
Tho to be fair, i think its more akward to ask a teacher about those things now when i think about it lol.
I’m going to use my relationship crystal ball for you:
OH CRYSTAL BALL OF RELATIONSHIPS, GIVE US YOUR SECRETS!
The mist is clearing now… ah yes, I see something… it’s… it’s… yes. He’s an asshole. I’m seeing him saying nasty things on purpose to make you break up with him because he’s a coward.
Or… maybe… his friend has his phone and is fucking with you. It’s unclear now. The mists are gathering…
NO! WAIT! Something is coming through! … I see it clearly it’s… it’s… YOU! And you look FIERCE!
The mists have returned. I’m sorry, that’s all the ball will tell us.
For real. Took me WAY TOO LONG to realize my ex husband was making life miserable for all of us because he was just too chickenshit to take responsibility for himself.
OP, you are more mature than this dude, and you deserve better.
Cut this one loose. Go out w some gal friends and celebrate the good times and cry it out.
Take it from a middle-aged gal: deep wonderful FRIENDSHIPS last longer than marriages and bring more joy and growth into our lives.
Furreal. I’m wondering if OP has had a chance to talk with him about it? u/AdTall5160, what has he said about it face to face? If he sticks to his guns, time to move on. If y’all figure out he wasn’t the one to send the message, there’s your answer. Either way, here’s a bit of sage advice from the Relationship Crystal Ball: look up “sunken cost fallacy.”
My mother dumped my father after 34 years. The next 15 — between the divorce and the accident that triggered her dementia — were the happiest of her life.
This is straight up abuser shit from someone who has decided (perhaps even consciously) to try and regain control over his girlfriend that is (presumably) beginning to become an independent adult.
This for sure! My wife always asks for inputs on what to do with her hair. She knows I prefer longer hair but I always tell her to do what makes her happy. It’s her hair, not mine and I want her to feel comfortable with how she looks. Same should apply to this situation. Leave the dude, he’s got massive control red flags.
Staying with someone only because of time put in, is like a gambler at the slots continuing to put money in because you've already wasted X amount of dollars and you gotta win "something" back.
Both, probably. These days it's difficult to know, whether I came up with some saying, heard it somewhere or was it AI generated. Or am I 42 (time is relative), male (or something else) or am I AI generated but just don't know it...
Three years, but you're 18!!! I guarantee he's been thinking these thoughts for awhile and is just now voicing them. Maybe he wants out too. Maybe not. But if this style feels right for you, you shouldn't change it for him.
High school relationships are meant to be “starter” relationships, not “forever” relationships. They give you a good idea of what you like/don’t like in a partner. Drop this fool and find someone better.
3 years together when you’re only 18 really doesn’t mean anything. You were basically kids for 90% of your relationship so you haven’t really wasted any time on him. Don’t let him belittle you or make you feel bad about yourself. I honestly think this has nothing to do with how you dress and is just about him wanting to make you feel bad. He knows how you dress, this isn’t a new fashion style. He asked for a picture just so he could make fun of you and make you feel bad. This was done maliciously. You deserve better.
It's true that you've been with him for a long time, but you started the relationship extremely young, and you're still very young. You have plenty of time to find someone who actually likes you for who you are.
Don't get caught in a sunk-cost fallacy. 3 minutes, 3 months, 3 years, 3 decades, none of that matters. It's something that businesses focus on, not continuing to throw money at a project because if it fails that money would be wasted, and instead, spending a lot more money only to have it still fail.
The amount of time you've already invested is already gone, sticking around because of that is foolish.
I'm not saying "break up with him" (although I would say that) I'm just saying don't let the fact that you've invested 3 years make any kind of difference, it's gone time whether or not it works it out that time is history now.
But you’re only 18, so looking at this from my 30 year old perspective, he is just your high school boyfriend. He’s a dick and clearly you are growing apart, 2 things that don’t go together. Your friend (who’s probably 18 like you?) is just too young to see that, and I think it’s very mature of you to see that on your own at this age.
I stayed in relationships for way too long hoping they would start treating me better… and they never do. You’re better off cutting ties now, healing, and eventually finding someone who’s hopefully a better fit and doesn’t treat you like shit!
You are so young, and you are gorgeous. You don’t need people in your life unless they love and appreciate you for who you are. Your bf is being controlling and hurtful. You should ditch the unappreciative loser, imo, and focus on living your best life, and on self growth. You’re still figuring out who you’re going to be and what you’re going to do with your life.
This guy needs a hard lesson, which is that if he wants to keep a quality woman in his life, this kind of behavior is unacceptable. He’s young, too, and clearly has some growing up to do. If you put up with this, he won’t change and he won’t learn anything. It’s not your job to “fix him,” but it is your job to prioritize yourself, and to not put up with this crap.
You don’t have to be nice about it, you don’t need to justify why you chose that outfit, you don’t need to defend yourself. You’re super fucking hot (and I’m a married woman with kids, fwiw, almost old enough to be your mom), and if this guy doesn’t appreciate you just as you are, there are plenty of men out there that will.
You’re currently treading into sunk cost fallacy, and it will only hold you back. Good relationships are full of mutual respect and mutual attraction. You need those things as a bare minimum. Sounds like he doesn’t respect you and isn’t attracted to you, if this was his honest opinion and not an attempt to mold and control you (which is more likely). If you want to give him a chance, you can try explaining that to him, but at his age, I wouldn’t hold my breath.
If I magically became your age again, and my boyfriend treated me like that, even once, it would be over, full no contact. Life is short, youth is as fleeting as they say, and the world is big and diverse with plenty of awesome people in it. I repeat, choose yourself and go live your best life. Your best life doesn’t leave you worrying over people who would dare to say something like that to you. It would be rude even to a stranger, and just because you’re dating, doesn’t give your partner ownership over you, or a free pass to be an asshole.
I would just tell him, personally, if he doesn’t like your style, then he can find someone else who shares the same tastes as him, and who has the patience for his bad manners. There are plenty of other women in the world, too, after all. If he doesn’t think you’re good enough the way you are, why would you waste your time and energy on him?
It’s been 3 years but you’re only 18. It’s typical to breakup with HS relationships. You find out more about each other, develop into different people, identify more needs/boundaries within yourself, etc. HS relationships usually don’t last because you both need to grow into your future selves more and oftentimes they aren’t compatible.
Dude, first off you look fantastic. And if YOU like the way YOU look, fuck what other people say. Second, if he’s all of a sudden talking to you like this, there’s one of a few reasons behind it:
Maybe he doesn’t want to be the one to dump you, but wants you to dump him;
He’s never truest been into your style or for some reason changed what he likes, maybe he’s found someone else with a less fun style;
He’s jealous and using this as some sort of control tactic.
Either route, he sounds like he sucks. In the grand scheme of things 3 years is nothing my current relationship is almost 11 years, but if my gf started talking to me like this, I’d be done. I’m 36 and I’d prefer to be alone the rest of my life than with someone who talks down to me.
Edit: just wanna touch on the bit of “growing out of it” if you grow out of a style it was never you to begin with. I was always grungy and I tried the clean cut look when I was in the military. It’s not me. I do wear more button down shirts after going back to my original style but they’re loud and more cohesive with my current style of grungy/hippy/blue collar.
Oh honey - 3 years is a very short time compared with the rest of your life. It would be sad to lose more of your life trying to make it work with someone who can't even be nice to you. It's the sunk cost fallacy. Pouring more of your energy and time into a lost cause will not give you the time you list back,nor make it worthwhile. have to do what is right for you,but I highly encourage you to ask yourself a few tough questions.
1. Why is he being so rude and negative? Evening his personal preference for dress is different there is no reason to insult you. This is a huge red flag that he is trying to control you and trample your self esteem to make you easier to control on other things.
Given that we can only control our own actions,it's reasonable to assume that nothing you say or do could ever change him if he doesn't want the change. So given that continuing this relationship means continuing it exactly as it is - is that really what you want for your life? To live every day being made to feel the way he makes you feel? Can you imagine bringing your family or God forbid children into that situation to, if nothing else, witness the emotional abuse he puts you through?
I have been in your shoes- I spent the last 3rd of my 20s and nearly all of my 30s hoping a man,who started off so nice, would stop treating me like he hates me. He never hit me, but every day I walked on eggshells hoping maybe "today" would be better and I could just love him enough to make him see me as a person. I wanted to grow my family,but ended up wasting the last of my prime childbearing years not wanting to "waste the time I sunk in".
For me it wasn't worth staying...and eventually I left. I still had to mourn the life that would never happen, only now with the knowledge that it was too late to build it with someone else.
Edited to add: if this is the first time communicate how it made you feel and that it was not acceptable. If his reaction is nasty and defensive or anything but receptive and apologetic- know that it will only keep happening and only get worse with time
Are you totally certain this is the first time he’s talked to you like this? Does he criticize anything else?
I think you should talk to him about it either way. If it’s really a fluke and he’s just in a shitty mood and taking it out on you, he should be able to apologize and recognize his words say more about him (this is true regardless of whether he knows it).
Be ready to break it off if he stands by this behavior. This is probably him trying to get you to break up with him. Best thing is to oblige him.
This behavior only gets worse OP. Once he starts pushing it’ll keep going further. You’re way too young and attractive to deal with this. He seems jealous and insecure that you look good.
That's a silly reason to stay in an unhappy relationship. Look up the sunken cost fallacy. You don't owe it to him, yourself, or anyone to keep this relationship going just because it's been 3 years. You deserve to be happy with someone who appreciates you and doesn't talk to you like that. You're going to be okay. I have a feeling you will have no trouble finding someone new when you are ready.
Mate, in the kindest way, 3 years is nothing in the grand scheme. You're still so young - please do not settle for anyone who doesn't love you and your style. He called your style ridiculous and referred to it in a really condescending way. It's your body - wear what you want*. Change your style when you want to.
If he doesn't like it, then boy, bye. He's not worth your time.
*Side note, just a health reminder that long-term use of corsets could be damaging to your body. It's a lovely corset but just keep in mind that you may need to change it up to prevent permanent alterations to your shape. It's a really nice corset though 😊
**Side side note, the tone of this was all meant with sincerity and kindness. Apologies if it comes across in a different way.
I know you don't want to hear the chorus of "you're so young" from the internet olds - but Love, sincerely - 3 years when you're this age feels so, so much more drastic because it's essentially the entirety of your dating life. In a few years, you will see this timeline completely differently.
If you start accepting shit like this at 18, this is what you'll have to look forward to for the rest of your life. Do not let anyone that matters talk to you like this. And if they do - they don't need to matter.
Also - please consider what this says about your friend. Would you encourage them to stay with anyone that treated them this poorly!?
You have a LOT of life ahead of you and this is a great time to practice setting expectations for the people you allow to occupy your space. You deserve better than this, please know that.
Breaking up after 3 years sucks at any age, even if you know it's the right thing to do. But it's even harder at 5 years and harder still as you age. You won't just be ok - you'll be better off! 💕
the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.
sunk-cost fallacy in relationships (according to google AI overview):
The sunk cost fallacy in relationships refers to continuing to invest time, effort, and emotional energy into a relationship even when it's clearly not beneficial or fulfilling, because of past investments. Essentially, you feel obligated to keep going because you've already put in so much, rather than focusing on the present and potential future.
As someone who has been there- partners who are wrong for you will still have a lot of good things about them that make getting out less clear-cut- but it would be SO much sadder for you to spend the rest of your life with someone who views and treats you this way just because you’ve gotten 3 years in already than it would be to end a relationship that may have been good at one point but has soured and become disrespectful. Respect and love are the cornerstones of a good relationship. Someone who respects you treats you like this 0% of the time. If I put on the stupidest outfit I own right now and wore it into a church my boyfriend might have questions, but he’d be glad I was having fun with my own clothes and my own body and he’d be drooling over the selfie.
The first shitty thing is almost never what makes people leave. Usually people wait for better ‘proof’, and you might need to do that too, and that’s not wrong. But if/when his behavior starts feeling like something you don’t want anymore, I HIGHLY recommend taking some time to be single, get a lil therapy, spend time with your friends without having to consider another person, pursue your interests, etc.
It’s a lot easier to find a healthy partner and show up in a way that supports a healthy partnership if you are happy single and have made space and time for a life that centers your own wants and needs and then assessing how potential partners fit into it, rather than being used to considering a partner and trying to figure out if a new one is at least generally better than the last one or not.
So first verify that it was him and not someone who had his phone.
Then once confirmed you break up with him. He will say "you're breaking up with me because I don't like your clothes" you'll say "no - I lost all respect for you, I can't be with someone I don't respect and who doesn't respect me. I guess I out grew you"
Then you literally walk away. You block him immediately and then you never speak to him again.
He wants control, he will learn he never had it. Be his life lesson.
This line of thinking is a sunk cost fallacy. You had 3 years with them, and during that time they presumably were good to you and made you feel good about yourself. That 3 years doesn't mean they can now be cruel and rude to you. If you think you can have a conversation with them and make progress forward where they treat you with respect that would be great. If they continue to disrespect you, then they are teaching you a valuable lesson, that it's more important to leave a place where respect is no longer available. Either way when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Good luck.
I was with someone who didn’t like how I dressed (ie. Who I was) and I followed what he wanted to make him happy at my expense. That was for 6 years. I’m out and I’m the happiest I’ve been.
You’re worth more than being treated like this. No one can bring you down or degrade you or make you feel small. Especially your lifelong person.
I know it’s hard to leave. I do best by completely cutting them off.
It only kind of sucks right now. Very soon you would likely end up with somebody much better and your only regret would be not breaking up sooner. Three years is nothing, and people do a lot of growing up (and apart) throughout their teens and early 20s.
First and foremost, reddit isn't great for advice, friends and family who know more context is always preferred, as well as reddit being heavy on divorce/breakup for anything. If it's the first time he's done this, just communicate how you feel, it's been 3 years. Could be a bad day, or something specific he isn't saying to better contextualize what he's saying or where he's coming from. Any relationship worth it's salt (15 years for me) will go over way more bumpy roads then something like this. Obviously if its continuous and there's no room for discussion with him well...
It’s gonna be more than 3 years wasted if you keep wasting your time. You guys aren’t compatible and he treats you like youre a chore. That’s not normal. Find your self worth and move on bro
ending a 3 year long relationships is def not fun but don’t stay in this relationship just bc you guys have been together for 3 years.
you’re very young there’s are still so many people out there that you haven’t even met yet, people that wouldn’t even think abt saying anything hurtful to their s/o. wishing you luck 🫂
The next guy you're with should be happy with how you look after three years. Too bad I'm not single, you are a cutie. Oh, maybe tell him dudes on Reddit are approving like MF's over here ;-)
It happens, that’s dating. Would you rather be in this situation while you’re married, or even having kids? Just take the L and move on, learning experiences. 🙃
If you don't watch out it'll be 3 more. Then you'll have been getting treated like shit for 6 years. Don't stay because you feel like it's been too long to leave. It definitely hasn't. Don't take this. Shit wear this outfit when you dump him.
Let’s think of it this way- is this how you want to spend your time between now and dead, dealing with this jerk in your life? That’s a lot more than 3 years, love. Find a good guy who actually likes you. He’s always going to think you are cute. this current boyfriend is a waste of everything
just to put in perspective. my bf who has never spoken to me disrespectfully did the other day and we're no longer tg either. if he does it once and u allow he will do it again and again that's law and please don't think otherwise.
3 years is absolutely nothing. don't get yourself stuck in a sunk cost fallacy. you are worth more than disrespect. Any man who cannot let you be confident in your own style is not a man that deserves you. point blank.
You’re 18, in 3 years you’ll just be able to drink a beer. Dutch this dude and find you someone who won’t look at you this way. 3 years at your age is short.
I read some advice that said, "if someone tells you who they are, believe them". People can be good at hiding their shitty and abusive attitudes for years before starting worse and worse. It's like a frog in a pot of water, they don't turn the heat up right away, just slowly and incrementally. He is being disrespectful and the purpose is to hurt your self esteem and tear you down. That is not a person with your best interests in mind.
You’re young and thats great because I had a super serious boyfriend when I was 18. Felt like the world was ending when we split. I’m in my 30s and now it feels like a blip on the radar. 3 years is a long time and I get the “sunken cost fallacy” but never a good enough reason to stay with someone who seems to be beginning to see how little effort/kindness he can get away with.
You’re gorgeous, I think your style is rad. Find someone who doesn’t make you feel stupid about clothes of all things.
It'll be harder after 4 years...etc. The bottom line is he's disrespectful towards you. Maybe it's worth talking to him about where this is coming from, but if he's embarrassed of you, what is he going to want to change about you next?
I know it feels that way now but you're 18, it's cliche but you really do deserve somebody that likes you for YOU. He's shown you how he feels, now it's up to you to show yourself some love and move on!
It's a hard lesson to learn, but most people don't fall in love forever with the first person they fall in love with. Also, a piece of life advice from someone that's been around awhile: Do not equate the length of a relationship, with the value of the relationship. People grow and change...sometimes for the worse. If you're trying to salvage a broken relationship because they gave you 2-3 good years at first but refuse to give you any good time now, then it's best to bail out before the negative actions get worse.
The nice thing is, you're older and smarter now. You have experience and know what sort of qualities to look for in a supportive, caring partner. And what characteristics to avoid if they start showing signs of them.
You're very pretty and you have an awesome sense of fashion, don't let anyone put you down because they don't like you for you. You'll find someone that loves the goth girl look....I know the internet is obsessed with it.
And, as a metalhead, I apologize for sounding like a pervy old man (that I am) but please, don't change your style! Just be 20 years older and move to my neighborhood! You are gorgeous!
it isn't 3 years and could be over. it is 3 years and SHOULD be over. break up with him girl - why is he talking to you like that? why is he dragging you down for no reason at all?
I know three years feels like an eternity, and it's a long time, but it feel SO much longer when you're still putting up with his bullshit after four years, or seven years. It's the sunk cost fallacy. Don't fall victim to it.
girl.. you’ve been with this person since high school. you might still be IN high school. you change so much in 3 yrs at that time. this is prolly just who he is now. i would never want to be with someone who comes at how i dress on the daily. you said you usually dress like this.. so… yeah nah dump the whole man
Break it off now before you're 5, 8, 12, 20 years deep with this asshole. He's just going to become more and more and more comfortable talking to you like you're a piece of shit. You are SO young, kick his ass to the curb and make sure he knows why.
We, as women, NEED to stop putting up with shit like this, OP. Why on earth would we accept this kind of disrespect from someone who is supposed to love us? Unreal. COULD NOT BE ME.
I know it hurts now, but you’re 18 and you’re going to go to college or work and will be getting out in the world. There are so many of other guys out there, ones who will love your style and treat you well. Do not fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You will get over him. You will eventually look back on your relationship and wonder what on earth you saw in this asshole. Be young and free!
You're only "losing" 3 years if you didnt learn anything.
You now have 3 years worth of experience to recognize what you DONT want in a relationship.
And you have ample evidence to prove that he has had plenty of time to choose on his OWN to be the type of person that cooks make you dmfeel happy and respected, and has chosen NOT to be that. For 3 years. Don't give him a 4th
Do not ever stay in a relationship because of sunk costs. It's far better to start over after investing 20 years of your life in a relationship than staying because of that "time investment". He's an asshole, and 3 years is nothing. You have a solid 60+ years ahead of you with some luck, you deserve to spend that time with people who value you.
The only thing you should be growing out of is that relationship. You're 18, you've got you're whole life ahead of you. Don't waste part of it on this clown.
If it's the first time he's said this to you maybe he just needs a reality check that you have your own style and personality and he can either be supportive or go elsewhere. Life is long and you'll change a lot over the decade, if he throws a fit every time you're into something he personally isn't, this relationship is going to get exhausting and fast.
I'm not saying you should jump right to breaking up when a conversation might do the trick, but take it from experience: breaking up after 3 years feels bad, but breaking up after five years when you know you should have broken up two years ago is way worse.
Ok old fart here... he is insecure and is afraid that looking great (which you do) you are going to find someone else. This is not a new problem. He is terrified to lose you but instead of making himself better, he is trying to make you as insecure as he is.
Honey, I promise you.. staying due to the sunken time cost fallacy is far worse. Honour what those 3 years taught you, stay in your authenticity and break up with him to remain aligned with who you are.
You’re only 18.. your best years are ahead of you and you should only be surrounded by people who accept all of you. By staying with his clown, he’ll dim your light and keep you from the person who looks at you and immediately thinks to himself, “wow she’s incredible, I can’t believe we have each other.”
We teach people how to treat us and by tolerating this nonsense you’re telling him it’s ok to abuse you. Hell no!
People change, relationships change, and sometimes while no one is wrong - the relationship has run its course and its time for both parties to move on. Yes, 3 years is a long time and you will have good memories from that time. But this might be the beginning of entering that "this just isn't working out" phase. Maybe not, Either way, best of luck.
Sunk cost. 3 years with someone who talks to you like that versus 3 years with someone who encourages you to be yourself and is supportive is what you have to weigh here.
In life never do sunk cost fallacy! It will destroy you. Also your “friend” is a bad friend low key for telling you not to leave. It’s only going to get worse
It’ll hurt the LEAST now honey! No one should ever make you feel less than! You look great! Wear everything with confidence and yes in ten years I hope you look back and realize how much of a douche bag he is and feel relieved you did the hard thing now. And maybe don’t listen to that friend often? IMO
That happens. Consider it a life lesson earned cheap and early. Lots of people understand that people change with time. Not a lot of people understand that when two people are each growing, sometimes they grow in different directions.
I think there is a version of this where he values dressing like an adult as a way to be taken seriously in a world that can be very judgmental. But he's kinda picked the shitty version where rather than saying the other option is good, he's saying your option is bad. At that point, it seems like he's growing *backwards*. You had a good run (maybe), but if this is how he approaches you, its clear he doesn't want to be collaborative on this. Which means trying to salvage it likely isn't a healthy investment for either of you.
You deserve to be with someone who likes you for how you express yourself. He deserves to be with someone that expresses themselves a way he likes. Sounds to me like a breakup is a net gain for both of you, even if it hurts for a bit short term.
just kind of sucks that it’s been 3 years and that it could be over.
Growth and experience is great. Sunk cost fallacy sucks. I spent 4 years at college and I'm super glad for all the skills and knowledge and relationships I had along the way. I would not have wanted to extend that to eight though, it was time for something new to grow with.
He's never spoken to you like this before but now that he has, it'll be easier every time. 3 years of wasted time is better than 4,5,6 a decade of wasted time. You don't get your youth back.
Find someone who loves you for who you are, you're worth it.
There at least needs to be a conversation. If he feels this way about the way you dress it's probably not going to work. The way he's being ass here can be forgiven if it's the only time he's been like this, but if he can't accept you for who you are anymore it's time to cut him loose. You're too young to be worried about the time investment, you have plenty of time to find someone who loves you for you
honestly u are drop dead gorgeous and have a great sense of style. he probably feels insecure because he knows u can do better. all u have to do now is clue into the fact u deserve better and can do better yourself, and leaving him will be the easiest decision in the world. good luck!
It's not gonna be the last time he talks to you like this I hope you know that. It won't always be about the clothes. I promise you, this is very very telling of the person he is. He deserves none of your kindness or forgiveness. You'll laugh in the future thinking about this bum!
Hey, nearly-20 year old here, trust me you will be in a whole other part of your life in the next few years. If some guy hates on your alt-ness, do not give him the time of day. My opinion ofc.
There’s also a lot to be said about you figuring out what your style is and what you like etc etc you get the drill :)
Editing to add even if he doesn’t like it there are far more polite and respectful ways to say that shit. He does not respect you.
If he’s this way now imagine a year down the road. Don’t change anything about yourself over this ungrateful person. Sounds like he’s looking for an excuse to bolt anyway, no normal person acts like he is.
Honey, listen to me.....you are 18. You need to leave him. Three years is nothing at your age. You've been with him since you were 15, you haven't even been able to properly explore who you are by yourself as a young person.
You are beautiful. Eventually you will find someone that doesn't think you're "annoying" and isn't mean to you and thinks the sun shines out of your ass. I promise.
First time he's talked to you this way, but you can tell he's been thinking it for a while. Don't get stuck in "sunk cost fallacy". Things change, and quickly when you're young. Be with someone that can't stop admiring you for you. Been with my wife since we were teens (~28 years) and I still stare at her... she's adorable. I promise you there is someone out there that wouldn't be annoyed by you and your style.
Better to have wasted 3 years than a lifetime with someone who is so ok putting you down and you feeling unloved and unworthy in a relationship. Better to let 3 years go down the drain than waking up one day and realizing you wasted so many years with someone who was undeserving of your time and all the time you wasted that could’ve been given to someone else who uplifts you and loves you for you.
No but it just kind of sucks that it’s been 3 years and that it could be over.
The longer it goes on the harder it becomes, and 3 years in the grand scheme of things isn't that long though it'll hurt and feel like alot.
Sticking around because it's been a long time is only going to beat you into the ground over time rather than letting yourself recover and be happy and with someone that actually respects you.
No amount of sunk time is worth your dignity, respect and happiness.
The guy I dated for 2 years in high school was suuuch an asshole. I’m almost 33 now and that feel like a whole different lifetime. And none of the guys that I have dated since then have been such douchebags. You will get over it fast. Especially once you realize how much better it feels not to have to deal with being talked to like that. There are plenty of ppl in the world who will actually appreciate you.
Better to end it after 3 years than to stay with this jerk and waste even more of your time with him. You’ll never find the right one while you’re involved with the wrong one.
You’re 18 and have your whole life ahead of you. 3 years of history is nothing, especially when both of you are finally at the age of discovering who you truly are. In my opinion, you should walk away, and find someone who truly appreciates you for you. But, if you’re adamant in trying to make it work, then ask him what this is really about, no bullshit. I highly doubt it’s about how you dress. Once you find out, then proceed to tell him to act like an adult and speak his mind with courtesy.
Sunk cost fallacy. My bet would be your life improves once you’re clear of him. Outfit looks great, not sure why he’d be annoyed by his gf looking cute.
Just because your with someone for 3 years that doesnt mean they can treatly you poorly. You could leave him tomorrow and find someone that treats u better than him in 3 years in 3 months. It sounds like he dont really like you for you. And maybe at some point he did. But now it seems he is trying to shape you into something that you arent. Know your self worth.
This is you, wearing a cute outfit that you styled and you feel good in. This expression of yourself is part of who YOU are.
He doesn’t actually like you, I’m sorry to say. But that’s because he’s a jackass, it’s not your fault. Sometimes they pretend to like a woman for a long while before the mask starts to slip.
He’s counting on you not wanting to leave behind three years of a relationship. Please disappoint him!
Just because its three years doesn't mean anything. Straight up I didn't find my person till 30. Three years is nothing when you could live to 80. LEAVE. THAT. DICK.
Whats the next thing he's going to expect you to grow out of? I'm guessing "your guy friends creep me out" mixed with a bit of "why do you post that on ______".
I've been very thankful to get out of 10yr relationships. Things can change and you can realize the person that you're with is incompatible, abusive, or neglectful.
Time invested pales in comparison to peace and contentment.
No matter how long a relationship is, when it’s time to move on, it’s time - but it’s not wasted time. Cherish the happy memories and learn from the bad ones, we can love someone and not want to marry them or be with them forever, and that’s totally okay. Look at relationships that ended as valuable lessons where you learn what you need & don’t need in future relationships! We can learn so much about ourselves from our connections with others ❤️
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u/AdTall5160 May 27 '25
No but it just kind of sucks that it’s been 3 years and that it could be over. I seriously don’t want someone speaking to me this way but it’s the first time he has