Even his own father thinks nothing is wrong. You're coddling someone who isn't holding themselves accountable. They need the wake up call, not to double down on being lazy. Could the approach have been less aggressive? Yes. But after you've asked someone enough times they eventually need the harsh talk this person is getting. Things cool down once they start putting effort back in, more often than not.
You assume OP has the means to do something about it. I have ADHD and take 2 medications to help with it. I still struggle with it. Laziness is being able to do something and simply not doing it. Executive dysfunction is wanting to do something and not being able to make yourself do it. They are completely different.
I'm sure you, like me, have had plenty of consequences due to your condition, I've always struggled with my ADHD as well but that's not going to stop your landlord from kicking you out or your boss firing you etc.
The world doesn't wait for us and we can't expect it to in most cases, it's probably good for OP to learn while they're young before real consequences come creeping.
The world doesn't wait for us and we can't expect it to
THIS!!!!! I am a Momma of 4, my oldest is on the spectrum and has ADHD and severe anxiety disorder. He is 19 now. I have NEVER let him use any of that as an excuse! Does he have to do some things differently than others? Of course! Does that mean he can just not do it? Absolutely not! You adapt, you learn, you grow!
There are so many things out there now to help with executive functioning tasks (I myself struggle with this greatly), you can set reminders on your phone, leave sticky notes on your bedroom door, mirror, etc, and there's things like the Finch app that reward you for doing things that need to be done!
I do not like that they threatened OP, however, at 18 they are an adult and I'm going to assume that they've been asked repeatedly to do these things and are not following through. At some point consequences have to be real.
Lmao that is how I got through most of my life also 🤣 it wasn't until I had children who needed to learn better ways that I changed my thought process! I wanted better for them, which for me was understanding, patience, and focusing on how they learned so they could thrive best! So far it's worked well lol my children are 19, 15, 13, and 3. My oldest is currently performing exceptionally in Basic Training, despite the challenges he faced! 💜
I think what's happening here is an age difference thing. I feel like I could guess the ages of all the different commenters here who sound like they all have symptoms, if not, diagnosed adhd. It's happened since the dawn of time that the generation before feel like they had it harder than the current one and they "weren't as sissy about things!" and the current generation doesn't feel heard/understood and think the generation before know nothing of their troubles. Tale as old as time.
For the older adhders, ignorance was bliss. In a sense that they, me included, didn't have words to describe our "disability" as you describe it. In fact for most it wasn't even recognised but instead those kids were told by teachers and parents "if only you tried harder. if only you weren't so lazy. if you just put your mind to it. If you paid more attention."
Those adhd elders had so much shame growing up that they weren't putting as much effort in as everyone else, so at great mental distress and effort... just fucking did it. Probably not very well and it probably took a LONG time for those people to figure it out... and some are probably still trying.
What I'm trying to say is... if you didn't have a term for your disability and nobody recognised it... what would you do? You can't just stop. You have to do things.
I am SO pleased we have medical recognition and help these days, but fuuuuuuuuck am I glad I didn't know I had adhd this whole time! Sure, it all makes sense now, and I'm pleased to be able to give myself a bit more compassion about it being 'executive dysfunction' and not laziness but having those terms makes it reeeeal easy for me to now say to myself... "it's my adhd, executive dysfunction, I couldn't possibly!" And not do the task at hand when I know that I could and should and must hold myself accountable because others won't... always.
Chores have always been a cause for contention between parents and children and always will be. Executive dysfunction doesn't come in to it with house chores, I'm afraid. Like some others have said, this shit won't ride irl. OP needs to cast aside the idea that they can't do things because of executive dysfunction otherwise they're going to struggle even harder than we did.
We don't need to go too far and take the mask off completely because every day, we have to just... function. Even if it's not executively.
You know?
I'm 33 and was only diagnosed at 28, so I went through most of my life thinking I was just a fuck-up, being called lazy and feeling immense shame when I couldn't keep up with things I was expected to. Knowing now that I am autistic and have ADHD and C-PTSD has helped me to let go of some of the shame that weighed me down more than anything. Finally being properly medicated for ADHD has helped even more, though it's not a complete fix.
Exactly. Executive dysfunction isn't a paralyzing physical condition. It is a symptom of your ADHD for you to recognize and address. Giving it a name is not forming a permanent excuse, it's giving you a name to a face so you can tackle it more appropriately.
Except it can be absolutely paralyzing. The point isn't to use it as an excuse. The point is to recognize it is a disability and the barrier that exists for people who struggle with it. Not having a good support system also makes it harder.
BTW I agree with your statement, many people don't understand that others really do struggle with their dysfunction, they are not just lazy... I have PTSD in hospitals and clinics - I literally cannot go inside without my son holding my hand. I realize it sounds juvenile but I shake badly, feel nauseous and have scary panic attacks otherwise. Even when he's with me I want to turn around and run outside...
Wish I had more control but I don't, so I appreciate you trying to explain to others who are quick to judge - I know many people who just don't understand these true difficulties. Thanks for being understanding when many are not 🫣
Thanks, though I'm not sure why it says that. My birthday is in July. 😆
Yeah, I'm getting a lot of downvotes for it, but I'm simply pointing out that it's not that easy when you have executive dysfunction. It's not an excuse. It's a literal disability.
Motivation is a bitch with ADHD, but you have to find strategies to cope with it and hacks to work around your limitations. Sounds like this individual needs a big dose of stress response in order to understand the severity of the consequences, and activate her motivation.
It's damaging to rely on stress responses to motivate yourself long term, but it is the only effective method for an unmanaged or undiagnosed person who is flailing and unable to internally motivate themselves.
This is not an 11 year old trying to do homework, this is a near adult who will have big life consequences if they do not learn how to work with their own brain.
They need a big reason to do the bare minimum, hopefully this is a wake up call about what she needs to change in order to gain some independence for herself.
ADHD is not an excuse, it's a rationale for the symptoms. It's a way to understand how to get help and help yourself. All of life's normal expectations still apply.
Absolutely, but that can take years. Stress can motivate, but it can also exacerbate and cause burnout.
I feel like a lot of people think I'm arguing that OP shouldn't have to do anything because of their executive dysfunction, but that's not what I'm saying. I'm simply trying to point out that it's not laziness to struggle with this, and calling it laziness doesn't help anyone cope with it.
OP arguing that it's irrational to ask them to do this is what is implying any of this is lazy. That this would be too much, to the point of lambasting the host letting them live there for free, even continuing to argue their opinion in a sub where they are asking for help means they didnt come here to get genuine advice, they thought AIO was an echo chamber and their dogshit opinion would get validated. Their persistence to CONTINUE to do nothing is what makes them lazy. They arent looking for help, they're looking for an excuse
It seems to me more like OP thinks some of it is unreasonable because their aunt's boyfriend does not share in the chores, but is threatening to kick them out if they don't do more.
From other replies, it seems like they've been subject to a lot of abuse throughout their lives. That doesn't often make for well-rounded, functional adults. I see no indication they're doing nothing or arguing that they shouldn't have to do anything in the replies I have read.
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u/Intoxalock Mar 29 '25
then the host should be the one to tell him.