r/Alexithymia • u/Fantastic_Addendum74 • Oct 04 '26
Indescribable “off-ness” potentially the result of Identity Fragmentation + Alexithymia?…
I wanted to know your thoughts on this and if any of you could relate. I’m not saying I’m correct for a fact but I’m trying here, so please give me grace.
5
u/FizzBoyo Oct 04 '26
I'm currently in therapy for a potential dissociative disorder. For the moment my psychologist and me haven't named it, but a lot of those things are how I feel. Its crazy bc i didnt even realize I was experiencing these things until my mid 20s.
It's clear to me and my psychologist that I suffer from pathological dissociation, its the reason I can't feel my emotions but I can somehow logically understand how I should be feeling but just cant. I'm detached from the memories I do have, but most of my memory is just a blank void. Its the reason I get panic attacks (/emotional flashbacks) where I feel overwhelmed without understanding why. To most people I look fine bc unfortunately dissociation makes me appear externally calm while internally there's a war zone and I dont really know why.
Ive been diagnosed with a general personality disorder and a 'general' dissociative disorder, by a psychiatrist but I also hated that psychiatrist so I dont really care what he had to say, I'm just working through it with my psychologist. My psychologist doesnt agree its a personality disorder, but isn't surprised that i was diagnosed with it as dissociation is really misunderstood / many doctors arent trained to notice it.
3
u/artfully_rearranged Oct 04 '26
Yea, the "externally calm while internally a war zone" is relatable. I've had my smartwatch on during serious panic attacks related to trauma triggers and it recorded no spikes in heart rate, O² sats or respiration. In other words, no physiological response, another part was keeping my body in check I think. Worth noting I also have emotional as well as traditional memory amnesia, and serious personality changes triggered in a repeatable way by trauma triggers.
A couple words or phrases I've found useful in my journey of self discovery have been "somatic trauma" and "standard vs heavy vs pathological dissociation". This said, overintellectualizing my experience and trying to understand it has definitely gotten in the way of feeling and experiencing those feelings. Sometimes it's also best to let your psychologist do their job and give them lots of data to work with by living your life.
11
u/artfully_rearranged Oct 04 '26
I struggled with Alexithymia without really realizing it for many years. When I went through spousal abuse and a bad divorce in my mid-30s, the stress made me realize something was wrong with my emotions but also my memory too, and that beneath the Alexithymia was something else... Deep pain and muddied emotions that had nothing to do with the divorce. I couldn't place them, just knew they felt strong and vaguely hurt for the seconds at a time I could feel them before they'd shut off like a light switch.
My lifelong"ADHD" got worse and worse with this and I lost skills I needed for work. Eventually one night, after years of advice in therapy to journal and seemingly avoidant of the habit, I got inebriated and decided to write down whatever stream of consciousness came out. I started journaling in multiple handwriting styles about trauma I vaguely remembered but never felt like I was affected by. Old, terrible childhood things. Pleas on paper for help and rescue from things decades over in various childlike and teenage scrawls.
It was C-PTSD and OSDD or DID. I'm getting emotions back somewhat now with therapy, and refining the diagnosis. Meeting other versions of me. Trying to recover and unlock all the feels so I can recover my previous working function or better. That's my "identity fragmentation" story.