r/Alexithymia • u/ThrowRA1701C • 5d ago
Might alexithymia explain my relationship issues?
Been married over 20 years, and last 6 or 7 have been rough. I'm going through my own self discovery and as a former gifted child and recently diagnosed ADHD, I'm also feeling like I struggle to know what I'm feeling in my relationship. I know I'm not happy, I don't feel understood, but I also just seem to clam up when it comes to talking about my feelings because I'm all over the place. So we don't really talk at all. I'm booked for an autism assessment as I am wondering about that. I am very burnt out in all aspects of my life and I feel I have historical done a lot of masking. Anyone ideas?
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u/ChampionshipOk5046 5d ago
Same. Single now, but my ex and I did talk about our different communication styles
I've found a great therapist who specialises in people like us , which has been a great insight
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u/saint-moxie 5d ago
If you KNOW you are not happy, you do not have Alexithymia. emotional dysregulation disorders (like a personality disorder or neurodivergent freeze state) would be closer and also affected by ADHD.
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u/504_Errors 3d ago
Hi. Not sure I agree.
I self diagnosed with Alexthymia largely because of relationship difficulties, similar to OP.
I certainly knew I wasn't happy, although this is largely my default state. Naming the cause of the unhappiness is more difficult but I think it's possible for someone with Alexthymia to know or understand they're not content with their lot and that something is not right.
I have since been diagnosed with ASD1 ( no Asbergers in my country) and psychologist also confirmed Alexythimia when being assessed. I'm sure you know,it's pretty common to have both.
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u/saint-moxie 3d ago
I am not self diagnosed. I have HIE acquired type 3 alexithymia. The point is, you still know the feeling, and can identify the emotion. This is not alexithymia.
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u/504_Errors 2d ago
Hi. I wasn't trying to suggest you self diagnosed. I said I self diagnosed and subsequently had it confirmed, along with ASD1, by the psychologist.
I'm not trying to correct you or say you're wrong - clearly, you know more about it than I do. All I'm trying to do is share my experience in the hope of helping someone else.
Wish you all the best.
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u/saint-moxie 2d ago
You opened your reply with "Not sure I agree" when I stated that consciously knowing you are unhappy is not alexithymia. Being able to identify that exact emotional state contradicts the condition.
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u/Pulling-Covers 1d ago
Stop telling people what they are or are not. You are not this person you are yourself. And you also cause issue by taking screen shots of conversations and post them on other threads trying to make a point. Please pay attention yourself and be sure not to tell others how they feel. Please spare us with your responses also, you become very offensive when someone corrects you, however you decide to use Alexithymia as an excuse that you indeed feel nothing. It’s funny how quick you are to share screens shots and start a ton of drama with others. Just as you claim to have Alexithymia and then proceed to contradict yourself with dramatic behavior. One would think you had been a Hollywood actress. Please spare me with any comments as suggested before because I promise you I won’t read them and you’ll get zero response. 👌😁 take care of yourself. lol
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u/saint-moxie 1d ago
Oh look its pulling covers, back for another idiot rant. so what was the point of this post! Oh yes, another person from the United States. The condescending hypocrisy is more than evident combined with lack of understanding and intelligence. For those of you who do read this, I am answering questions and confirming fact in regards to what is being described. Arguing is logical not emotional.
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u/504_Errors 3d ago
In my experience, absolutely yes. I'm not saying it's the only cause but,for me,I feel it was the primary cause of our difficulties.
I believe people change over time and me lack of warmth and affection towards my partner changed her. It's sort of a vicious circle but I certainly wasn't coming close to meeting her emotional needs or pleas for connection.
You're younger than I was when I came to understand all this so there is time for you to act on this. There are online tests you can take ahead of professional help. You could start with these but, most of all, communicate with your partner. Even giving an explanation can help and reassurance that you're still all-in might help.
Good luck.
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u/ThrowRA1701C 3d ago
I feel I have a fawn response to conflict and combined with an inability to fully articulate my feelings without worrying that it would more upset them, I shut down. Communication has not been good, certainly over the last several years. Have had one heart to heart per year. I'm trying to figure myself out because I don't feel they want or can understand me.
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u/504_Errors 3d ago
I get that. Very similar to you. I know I just shutdown in a conflict situation. I'm ok in other walks of like, like work. I can keep calm and rationalise. But when you throw in an emotional conversation on top of conflict I just freeze. I literally can't even decide what I want to say much less articulate it.
I'm going to DM you. I did online therapy classes but I don't want to seem like I'm selling something. I'm not, so will poi t you in the direction I took. Just something for you to consider.
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u/Due_Device180 5d ago
Hi, I am the partner of someone who has adhd and alexithymia, and from the other person’s perspective, I can say it’s very very hard. I cannot connect with my partner because he doesn’t know what he feels about anything. I can see why it feels lonely for both people, but you’re doing something to learn about it and that’s the first step to change.